Overcoming Minimization, Denial and Blame about a Domestic Violence Offense In Order to Manifest Accountability

  One of the primary goals of Domestic Violence treatment is to help people become accountable for their actions, thoughts and feelings from the past and the present; as well as to strive for Accountability in the future.  

  One can begin at the point of thinking for just a minute about a time when I was hurt (physically or emotionally or socially or financially) by someone (on purpose; or even accidentally).    

  Think about that for a moment.  And try to picture how I would feel if they didn't even acknowledge that they have hurt me.  What would I think about them?  Also, what would I think about myself at that moment? 

  This is a pain that could go on and on for decades in some cases.  When all it would have taken at the beginning would have been an apology from the person who did it.  

  So after processing all that (back then); what would I do?  Would I -- or should I act out violently?  Probably not.  Should I act out verbally and try to hurt their feelings or their reputation?  Probably not.  Should do nothing about it?  

  Either way, the pain is there.  But wouldn't I then be making it even more painful if I were to get into trouble for what I did back to them?  So what should I do?  One idea could be to just always try and be fully accountable for the things that I do to others.

  Otherwise, I am going to be in Denial with either Minimization or Blame on my mind.  And that will be a hard way to go.  Accountability is the answer.

Minimization, Denial and Blame

  In discussing Minimization, Denial and Blame regarding DV-type Behaviors or Offenses, it is important to accept the fact that when ever someone is hurt by another person; yet that other person either minimizes, denies, or blames the victim for the pain they are suffering; this tends to add insult to injury.  

  In short, Minimization, Denial and Blame can be conceptualized as Freudian Ego Defenses.  In other words; then phenomena tend to protect us from things we cannot handle at times. But eventually, everyone has to pay the piper.

  Humans tend to be very intelligent and they are really good at manufacturing defenses that will help keep them from having to think honestly about something awful that happened in their life.  Unfortunately, these defenses also tend to hurt others at times.  This is a good reason why we should strive to overcome our Minimization, Denial and Blame for things that we have done to others.  These defenses tend to hurt everyone involved at one time or another.  But that's usually not our intention.  That's why it's good to be able to stop it.

  Minimization is when one (or both) persons are hurt; and the person who did harm to the other person refuses to recognize that harm was done and/or that the other person is actually hurt (physically or in some other way).

  Denial is when the person who did harm to the other person either flat out denies that the harm exists, denies that the event took place, or denies that they were a part of this event which caused harm to the other person.

  Blame is when the person who harmed the other person may admit that they did what they did; however, rather than taking accountability for their actions, he or she blames their actions on the other person, on the situation, or on other factors.  Surely, many things may be involved in any given situation -- particularly a situation involving Domestic Violence; however, DV or Interpersonal Violence almost always involves a deliberate choice on the part of at least one of the people involved.

  And truly, in many cases, the victim played a part in becoming the victim and they are likely to live with the reality of their choices for a long time.  This is not to blame victims.  

  At the same time, the person who did the damage (whether physical, emotional, financial, social, or otherwise) must also accept the reality of the choices that he or she made.  We have to admit to the circumstances and things that contributed to the harm and pain that the other person -- the victim -- is having to live with.
  Therefore, once a person has caused any kind of harm to another person, in order for there to be a chance of any kind of healing, it is important that the person who did the harm avoid any sort of Minimization, Denial or Blaming of the Victim in regards to what happened and how and why the Victim was harmed.

  Minimization Denial and Blame can contribute to the cause of at least three problems: 

• 1) They keep the person who has done the harm from being able to truly comprehend the harm they have done, how they did it, and the pain that they have caused.  The person who did the harm does not really learn to do better next time.  They don't learn that they should do better;

• 2) Minimization Denial and Blame keep the person who has done the harm from being able to move on and make improvements that will help him or her to never make such choices again; and

• 3) Minimization Denial and Blame sometimes keep the victim from ever feeling whole again.  This may contribute to ongoing harm, pain or even trauma.

  Denial can be defined as: “When either the perpetrator or the victim essentially deny that the domestic violence is happening. 

 Or when one denies that what is happening is Domestic Violence -- even when it is clear to others that it is Domestic Violence.  In some cases, one might admit that it is happening, and that what is happening is Domestic Violence; but that “it is not that bad"; or that it's their own fault that they got hurt or that the DV was justified; as well as denial about the impact of the DV on those who it effects. 
 Denial is one of the most common Ego Defenses or barriers to accountability among DV Offenders -- and probably among many others as well. 

•  Think about it: What does denial look like in your life? 

Other examples of Denial could look like when someone says: 

• “At least no one ended up in the hospital – therefore, it was definitely not abuse.”
•  Or “I never laid a hand on her.” 
•  Or “If it was not for me drinking; it never would have happened. It’s the alcohol’s fault.” 
•  Or “She deserved everything she got.” 
•  Or “Heck, if I’d have done 1/10th of what my old man used to do to my mom, that would have been abuse!  But what I did was nothing.” 
•  Or “If she hadn't been talking to that other man, I would not have had to do something about it.” 

Accountability is VERY Different from Denial, Blame or Minimization; 
  When a DV offender actively takes full (100%; not just 50%) responsibility for his or her own actions, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings related to the DV incident(s). 
  This includes becoming responsible for her or his part in the cause(s) of DV, the reason(s) for the DV, the behaviors leading up to the DV incident, all of the different elements of the DV itself, the effects of the DV, and the impact that this DV had on all of those who were affected by it. 


What does Accountability look like? 

  Accountability can look like any of the following, plus many other things not mentioned here:

• Accountability can look like a person apologizing for his or her Domestic violence behaviors, thoughts and/or feelings without blaming any of it on any other person;

• Accountability can look like a person accepting that his or her DV-related legal problems are NOT the Victim's fault or the fault of the police, the person who called the police, the Courts, Probation, or DV treatment providers;

 

• Accountability can look like when a DV offender comes to all DV classes, pays for all DV classes as soon as possible, Contributes in class, and Complies with all other DV-related requirements;

 

• Accountability can look like a person actively taking a full moral inventory of her or his character, behavior, thinking, feeling, or socialization challenges that led to the DV and making a serious commitment to changing them for the better;

   Accountability can look like a person taking full responsibility for his or her DV actions without trying to say that it was the alcohol or drug’s fault; 

 • Accountability can look like a person taking steps to make amends (altruistic amends only – (i.e., expecting nothing in return)) for the damage she or he did;

 • Accountability can look like a person taking serious steps and making serious lifestyle changes that will lead to preventing any DV in the future;

  • Accountability can look like a person committing to living her or his life in such a way as to have the serenity to accept the things that she or he cannot change; the courage to change the things she or he can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  And

        And Accountability can look like a lot of other things as well. 

Our Defenses and Accountability; Versus Minimization, Denial and Blame.  

  Our Ego Defenses do several things.  Our Defenses protect us from realizing things that could be disappointing or even painful.  But they can also put us in danger, that is if there is some danger in NOT realizing something important.  

  "Defense mechanisms are behaviors people use to separate themselves from unpleasant events, actions, or thoughts. These psychological strategies may help people put distance between themselves and threats or unwanted feelings, such as guilt or shame” (Source).  

  At the same time, if my defenses will never let me own up to my issues in a relationship; eventually, my partner might get tired of me.

  And there are at least 10 different types of defenses: Denial, Repression, Projection, Displacement, Regression, Rationalization, Sublimation (or it could look like me becoming really sarcastic whenever I am angry), Reaction Formation (like exaggerating a fear), Compartmentalization and Intellectualization (Freud).

  Any of these Ego Defenses could keep me from truly realizing things that are currently hidden from me and tend to manifest in my interpersonal interactions as minimization, denial or blame; instead of accountability.  In short, the more I can be aware of my defenses, and when, and how I use them; and the more I can keep from using them; the more accountable I can become. 

  So if I am using Denial; who am I helping?  Who knows?  And If I'm using Denial; who am I possibly hurting?  

  Finally, if I really think I am doing this to hurt my partner -- or to get even with my Ex-Partner; then what could I possibly gain from this sort of behavior in the long run?

  Our Defenses are truly our own to solve or quit using.  And if we don't, then we are probably going to continue hurting BOTH ourselves AND others....  Same with using Minimization, Denial and Blame...   And what good will that do?

  The take home message here is that it is feasible that one of the best things any of us could possibly do at some point in our lives could be to get some help to try and figure out what our Defenses are -- or at least to try and figure it out for ourselves.  After all, these defenses sure can get in the way of accountability.  So let's get them out of the way!

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(Originally posted: 7/27/2020).

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).