First of all: What is Domestic Violence?
One source says, Domestic Violence is: "Violent or aggressive behavior within the home, typically involving the violent abuse of a spouse or partner" (Source).
Another source says: "Domestic violence means that in a relationship or marriage,
one or both of the partners uses physical, sexual or psychological violence to
try to get power or control over the other or due to losing their temper.
Domestic violence can occur in heterosexual and same-sex relationships" (Source).
They also go on to state:
"In any culture or community, there are beliefs and attitudes that support domestic violence and beliefs and attitudes that do not support domestic violence. In most countries, laws exist to protect the victim of such violent acts. There are also organizations that can help in such situations." (Source).
In Colorado Law:
"Domestic violence is any violent act or even a threat of a violent act against someone with whom the alleged offender has had an intimate relationship. The state actually takes this definition a little further, noting that domestic violence includes situations in which someone commits a crime against another person, animal, or property with the intent to do any of the following against someone with whom he or she had an intimate relationship:
Punish
Intimidate
Control
Coerce
Revenge
For example, the state may consider it domestic violence if someone breaks a former spouse’s property as a threat or out of anger. Based on these terms, there is no shortage of acts that could be considered domestic violence.
"The law interprets several different situations in which people may have had an intimate relationship. For example, spouses, former spouses and either present or past couples fall into this category. Additionally, two people who have a child together, regardless of the terms of their relationship, are considered to have had an intimate relationship." (Source.)
Why do we do what we do? Why do we do Domestic Violence?
When DV happens, it is likely that who ever did it will say that their reason for doing it was pretty much innocent. Even though in many cases, they will also admit that how they did it was senseless, as well.
Clearly, there is no excuse for DV. There is no excuse for hurting another person whether it is physical or emotional or social.
It is also important to note that Humans are NOT perfect.
At the same time, human beings are thinkers, feelers and doers. We think, we feel, and we do. However, many other things also influence how we think, what we feel, and why we do what we do. But why do we do DV?
What Makes DV Happen?
First and Foremost, DV happens as a result of Choices.
Sometimes, we make poor choices. They may be choices based on good intentions, mistaken information, misperceptions, misunderstandings, poor communications, intoxication or just plain bad-luck choices. But the fact remains that DV Happens as a result of at least one choice.
And it's not necessarily a choice to do Domestic Violence all by itself; as much as it might be a choice to try and make something happen -- for which the resulting behavior could constitute Domestic Violence.
In other words, a lot of times, people do Domestic Violence without realizing that they are committing Domestic Violence. Nonetheless, there are consequences for breaking DV-related Law(s) even if we do it without knowing it is against the law.
In order to find Possible Ways to Make DV Stop or to Prevent DV; we have to take an honest look at Why and How it Happens, Right?
One Theory according to an Advocacy Agency about What DV Is and Why DV Happens says:
"Domestic violence is any behavior, the purpose of which is to gain power and control over a spouse, partner, girl/boyfriend or intimate family member. Abuse is a learned behavior; it is not caused by anger, mental problems, drugs or alcohol, or other common excuses" (Source).
Abuse tends to happen as a result of a choice. But it's not necessarily a choice to abuse; as much as it might be a choice to do a particular thing in order to get a desired result. Nonetheless, abuse is abuse. There's no two ways about it.
Think about the Average Joe or the Average Jane: Imagine that Joe or Jane just got a DV Charge. What are some of the possible reasons why this DV Offense and subsequent Charge(s) Happened? Why did Joe or Jane commit DV? Here are just a few possibilities:
- Anger Problems; Angry Outbursts
- Deeply held beliefs about Sex Roles or Gender Roles
- Confusion about how to be an Intimate Partner
- Confusion about how to treat an Intimate Partner
- Jealousy / Insecurity / Paranoia
- A Failure to get Mental Health Help when it is really needed
- Traumatic feelings or worries about a possible break-up
- Substance Abuse tends to sometimes Make DV more likely as well
- Losing our Patience
- Too much Drama in/or around the Relationship
- Financial Problems and Related Stresses
- Pure unadulterated Revenge
- Dysfunctional upbringing -- Where DV seemed "Normal"
- Poor Communication skills
- One partner feeling like punishing another partner
- A Trauma Reaction -- like blowing up in a Panic
- Misunderstandings about things that are happening or not happening
- Having a totally absurd conceptualization of what Love is
- Misunderstandings about the terms or parameters of a Relationship
- Not knowing when to get out of a Relationship
- Not knowing how to get out of a Relationship in a respectful and peaceful manner
- One or BOTH partners simply NOT getting what they want or think they need
- Someone feeling embarrassed
- Not knowing when to take a break from a Relationship
- A Person disrespecting her or his Partner
- A Person not Respecting himself or herself
- Not being able to let go
- A Desire for revenge -- wanting them to feel our pain
- An inability to judge whether or not a situation is healthy to stay in
- A yearning to stay together just for the kids
- Poor self control
- A sincere belief that "Love Hurts" -- or is supposed to
- Short Temper
- Having a bad day
- Misplaced Anger
- Ignorance about the DV-related Law(s)
- Dishonesty within the Couple
- Extreme Stress without a good way to manage it
- Reactions to Infidelity / Cheating or suspicions of...
- Spying on, or Stalking one's partner
- Misunderstanding or a Misinterpretation of one's own Rights
- Misunderstanding or a Misinterpretation of the other partner's Rights
- Just plain Mean-ness
- Extreme Insecurity
- Dependent Personality Issues
- Attempts to use power to gain control over the situation
- Perhaps someone is threatening to tell others a big secret about their partner
- Attempts to use control to gain power over the situation
- Serious Fears about possible changes coming down the pike
- Fear of losing a good thing -- as if a Partner is a "thing"
- Neglecting to participate in Couple's Counseling at the right time
- When a Relationship gets too serious or too intimate too quickly
- Not paying attention to one's Self
- Not paying attention to situations
- Not paying attention to what is going on with others (how they feel about what we are doing)
- As a way to isolate a partner out of jealousy
- Not paying attention to the needs of one's Partner.
- Pure Evil.
- or 100% by accident; yet interpreted as deliberate or on-purpose.
First and foremost, we each MUST acknowledge the choices that we made that created this situation where we committed Domestic Violence. It's like, if you got a flat tire; you got to know which tire is flat and how to fix it before you can move on. Nothing worse than fixing the wrong tire. Right?
"Domestic violence is a symptom of a family system that is out of balance. The normative structure of the family, the personality traits of the individuals in the family, and the stress and conflict that the family is subjected to combine to create an environment in which violence can occur" (Source.).
The "Causal Pie" (from which that definition (above) comes) offers numerous Theoretical Causes for Domestic Violence, ranging from Feminist Theory and Exchange Theory, to Learned Behavior Theory and others. (Feel free to hit the link above to see that helpful information).
HOWEVER: It doesn't take a Theorist, to note that It typically takes a lot of things to make a DV Offense Happen.
It also typically goes deeper than just our thoughts, right?
Further, it also typically goes to our feelings -- but more than that too, Right?
And it is typically based in more than just our perceptions -- about what is going on, right?
Put it all together... and that's what we are working on here in order to prevent DV in the future.
"Why would one think or feel that the reasons or motivations that they thought of for their DV offense might have been the best solution(s) for them at the time that the Offense happened?"
and "What was I thinking would come out of this choice and subsequent effort?"
or "When thinking what I really wanted at that time; how on Earth was I believing that this behavior was going to yield the result that I wanted?"
But Remember: It's not about shame, blame or guilt. It's more about getting to the bottom of it -- getting real clear in our minds and in our hearts about why this awful thing happened.
Once we can come to terms with how or why it happened, then we can really start to look at ways to make it stop - or even ways to prevent it in the future.
So what are you thinking at this point?
Why or how did your DV Offense Happen?
Finally -- What might be some ways to avoid this sort of thinking, behavior, and these negative outcomes in the future.
Now that that's done, let's look at some possible solutions. What are some Ways to Make it STOP? What are some ways to Prevent Domestic Violence in our Futures?
- Learning how to Take Our time in Starting Up Relationships.
- Learning how to Recognize when a Situation is Escalating in a negative way.
- Learning about Our Own Strengths and Weaknesses; rather than focusing on the other person's Strengths and Weaknesses.
- Learning how to Recognize Our Triggers for Domestic Violence.
- Learning how to identify my DV Cues (the sensations within me that tell me that Imay be about to do DV or something worse).
- Learning how to Build our own Confidence enough to where we make sound judgements in difficult situations -- and even judgements about what is best for us as Individuals; rather than always deciding what we think is best for us as a Couple.
- Learning how to Recognize, Respect and Set Healthy Boundaries.
- Learning how to Assess a relationship with a potential Costs / Benefit Analysis.
- Learning how to Communicate for Healthy Relationships -- during a Crisis.
- Learning how to use Stop, Breathe and Focus.
- Learning how to make an Effective Safety Plan for DV Prevention.
- Learning how to recognize when a Relationship is Dangerously Out of Control.
- Learning how to make an Emergency Toolkit for Prevention of DV.
- Learning how to either Stay Sober or how to Get Help for Staying Sober.
- Learning how to Stop trying to Control our Partners; and focus on simply Trying To Control Ourselves.
- Learning how to use our Healthy Support Systems in order to get away from the Danger of either being Victim of DV or becoming a Perpetrator of DV.
- Learning how to Manage Our Own Emotions; instead of Trying to Manage the other person's Emotions.
- Learning how to do Grounding Exercises.
- Learning how to Recognize Deep-Seated or Mental Health Problems and Get Help.
- Learning how to Stop the Cycle of Violence once it has started.
- Learning how to Identify Our Patterns that lead to DV -- including patterns that lead up to becoming Victims of DV; or becoming Perpetrators of DV.
- Learning how to Problem-Solve and how to Think More Clearly without Cognitive Distortions that tend to get us into Trouble.
- Learning how to Recognize Our Anger, and how to Manage Our Anger.
- Learning when and how to Walk Away in a Peaceful and Respectful Manner.
- Learning about how to Love Ourselves more thoroughly before we again try to Love someone else.
*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete
Your Motivations for DV Worksheet. ***
Originally Published 2/1/2021)
Sources:
https://www.acesdv.org/domestic-violence-graphics/#:~:text=Domestic%20violence%20is%20any%20behavior,alcohol%2C%20or%20other%20common%20excuses.
http://www.ndhealth.gov/injury/nd_prevention_tool_kit/docs/Causal%20Pie.pdf
https://www.leierlawoffice.com/articles/what-constitutes-domestic-violence-in-colorado/
https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence
(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)
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