DV Cues: Awareness Of Our Domestic Violence Cues Could Help Us Stop, Prevent and Avoid Domestic Violence Offenses And Other Regrettable Events

  What we are looking at here are two major areas that have to do with our DV Offenses.  We are going to focus on the areas of our sensations and our timing.  We are going explore the ideas around; What was I sensing -- and at which points of time was I sensing it -- before, during and after my DV Offense?

  Ask yourself the following questions regarding the time period around your Domestic Violence Offense: 

> -- What was I Seeing around the time of my DV Offense? 

> -- What was I Hearing around the time of my DV Offense? 

> -- What was I Smelling around the time of my DV Offense? 

> -- What was I Tasting around the time of my DV Offense?

> -- What was I Thinking around the time of my DV Offense?

> -- What was I Feeling around the time of my DV Offense?

> -- What was I Believing just before and at the time of my DV Offense? 

> -- What was I Afraid of around the time of my DV Offense? and

> -- What was I Doing around the time of my DV Offense?

(I was definitely Feeling, Thinking, Doing, Tasting, Hearing, Wanting, Seeing, Believing something at the time... Right?  -- Also, I was definitely trying to do something around the time of my DV Offense.)

 

Spot Your Monster, Before Your Monster Spots You:

  The Philosopher Fredrich Nietzsche once wrote: "He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster.  And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee." 

  (In Nietzshe's case, the Abyss could have been: "the regions of hell conceived of as a bottomless pit.")

  A different point of view along similar lines might be like viewing an Image that seems not to have a beginning, or an end, or even a good projection of clarity when we first view it.  And at that point, we might have a feeling like we are to look into the abyss -- one might say -- -- and if one thinks of the Abyss in terms of that mysterious place that Humans go often in their minds when they commit DV -- it becomes even more interesting --  because of the idea that it also might start looking back into us.  

  Then we can also begin to explore ways to make it stop -- to make what stop?  In this case, to make DV Stop.  But then at that point, we have to keep in mind that it might start looking back into us still.  Imagine our DV looking back at us.  

  In other words, Human Experiences are full of moment-by-moment sensations such as taste, smell, feeling, thinking, yearning, hearing, seeing, fearing etc...  The key here is to get a good look at what those sensations are/were for us before, during and after the time of our DV Offense.

That DV Offense Probably DID NOT Just Happen all by itself -- Because Many other things were happening at the same time:

  Domestic Violence Events, Offenses and the Choices that help create them involve both relatively simple and relatively complex factors and situations.  

  Some people are more aware of their Surroundings, their Senses and their Choices than are others.  However, after hearing over 1,000 first-hand stories of how DV Offenses Happen, I have never heard one where there was not at least one choice involved: Either To DO Something; OR To NOT DO something.

  However, People are typically more complex thinkers, feelers and doers than would be allowed in a system limited to just Yes-or-No, binary or discrete choices such as "To Do; or Not To Do".  

  I propose that Domestic Violence often occurs as a result of choices that we make that involve a complex array of sensations, desires, truths, facts, wants, beliefs and other psychological processes. 

  That being said, there are at least 5 different Time Periods to every event.  In terms of DV; one could say that there are the following time periods around any DV Event.

Now Ask yourself this:   

> -- What was going through my mind during the time period Leading up to My DV Offense?  (It could be seconds, moments, days, hours, months...)

> -- What was going through my mind during the time period Just Before My DV Offense?  (Right before it happened.)

> -- What was going through my mind during the time period During My DV Offense?  (When I did something or some things that the Police considered to be -- hence alleged to be -- Domestic Violence.)

> -- What was going through my mind during the time period Just After My DV Offense? (Could be a lot of things...) and

> -- What was going through my mind during the time period further Afterwards or in Retrospect of My DV Offense?  (Could be months later, or it could be that night in my jail cell, or in Court for the first time...)

Now: What are My DV CUES? 

  DV Cues are the impressions, feelings, thoughts, physical sensations, fears, desires, ideas, notions, positions of standing or sitting, inspirations, movements and other influences that tell me that it is time to do something (Like, "Here's your cue...") -- and in too many cases; it tells me to do something that could be considered Domestic Violence.  I say that because one time is too many.  This could drag out for weeks; or most likely, this could all happen in a split second.  But even one split-second of Domestic Violence behavior is too much, Right?

  When we begin to sense our DV Cues (that is if we know what they feel like), it is something to be taken seriously.   We need to learn how to listen to our senses -- how to listen to our Cues -- our turn -- and try and accept that those senses are telling us something.  Those are our CUES.  We need to know as soon as possible, when it is time to STOP and immediately do whatever it takes to prevent any more thinking, feeling or acting in a way that could lead to, or be construed as Domestic Violence.  Those cues might possibly tell us this.  We just need to listen to them.

  Now ask yourself: What are my DV Cues? (Hint: They might be a whole lot like your answers to the first 15 questions above.)

  If you are able to become familiar with your DV Cues, then you will be one step closer to being able to stop DV-type Thinking and Behaviors in the future.  This in turn, could help you prevent any further DV in your life.  

  Hence, you may be able to have even much more fulfilling Relationships.  And you can quite possibly stay out of trouble.  That's a good thing, right?

  A Really Great first Step, however, would be to try and start to figure out what are your DV Cues.

So what do I do now???  Then Comes Immediate Crisis Intervention Aimed At Prevention of DV:

  Three good methods for preventing Domestic Violence at the points around a potential DV crisis include: 

• In order to learn how to completely avoid getting into a DV-Type Situation in the first place, it helps to learn about effective Communication Techniques to use During a Crisis -- Basically Self-Management: (Stop, Be Quiet, Sit Down, Listen Respectfully, Try really hard to understand the message your partner is trying to convey, Wait until you know what to do, and then Proceed Respectfully with Caution).

• Once any type of DV-Type Thinking Begins, it is time to Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely.

• Once one feels at immediate Risk of DV-type Behavior, it is time for Taking a Time Out.

 

***  Click Here to Complete the "My DV Cues" Worksheet. ***

*** In addition to the Worksheet; always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session as well.  

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  If you have an IOU, then start paying on that IOU today.  We will definitely be settling all IOU's prior to any discharges.  The best thing to do is to stay as current as possible with paying for your DV Services.  If you need a balance, please text or email Dr. B and he will send you a balance as soon as possible.  But do not wait for a Balance to start paying.  You are responsible for paying for all sessions, unless they were covered by Vouchers.  Your Probation Officer should be able to tell you ahead of time if you have any Vouchers.  Meanwhile, if you attend a session and you do not know for sure that you in fact have a voucher, your should pay asap.

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A Collection of Quotations About Forgiveness

“30 Quotes on Forgiveness: Ponder these words of wisdom" (2/1/2011).

 "THE BASICS: The Importance of Forgiveness (From Psychology Today):

 Remember, you don't forgive someone for his or her sake—you forgive them for your sake. (On a side note, I just read that as "sake," the drink. I think that means it's time for me to get some sushi.)

 Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, nor does it mean that you've given the message that what someone did was OK. It just means that you've let go of the anger or guilt towards someone, or towards yourself. But that can be easier said than done. If forgiveness was easy, everyone would be doing it.

 "When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free." –Katherine Ponder

"There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love." –Bryant H. McGill

"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." –Robert Quillen

"Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me." –Anonymous

"Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time-just like it does for you and me." –Sara Paddison

"Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast." –Marlene Dietrich

"Forgiveness is the giving, and so the receiving, of life." –George MacDonald

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - –Louis B. Smedes

"We are all on a life long journey and the core of its meaning, the terrible demand of its centrality is forgiving and being forgiven." –Martha Kilpatrick

"To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness." –Robert Muller

"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." –Mark Twain

"Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much." –Oscar Wilde

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." –Mahatma Gandhi

"Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting." –William Arthur Ward

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future." –Paul Boese

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." –William Blake

"If you can't forgive and forget, pick one." –Robert Brault

"He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass." –George Herbert

"Without forgiveness life is governed by... an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation." –Roberto Assagioli

"Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself." –Harriet Nelson

"Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge." –Isaac Friedmann

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." –Louis B. Smedes

"Life is an adventure in forgiveness." –Norman Cousins

"Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom." –Hannah Arendt

"Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave." –Indira Gandhi

"Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on." –Alice Duer Miller

"As long as you don't forgive, who and whatever it is will occupy a rent-free space in your mind." –Isabelle Holland

"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were." –Cherie Carter-Scott

"Forgiveness is like faith. You have to keep reviving it." –Mason Cooley

"Only the brave know how to forgive. ... A coward never forgave; it is not in his nature." –Laurence Sterne”

Sources:

• "30 Quotes on Forgiveness" (Source).

DV In the NEWS Increases in Domestic Violence: Another One of COVID-19's Possible Impacts

  Who would think that will all the awful news and inconveniences of the COVID-19 Crisis; we would also have to be mindful that Domestic Violence / Family Violence seems to be on the rise.

How do we know this?

"Domestic Violence Hotline Calls Rise 52% In Alaska." Excerpts from this Article Include: "ANCHORAGE, Alaska (AP) — Domestic violence and sexual assault organizations in Alaska have experienced a 52% increase in hotline calls as residents remain at home amid the coronavirus pandemic, a study said. 

"In that time period, shelter capacity was reduced by 57% to comply with federal social distancing guidelines, meaning some shelters limited one person to a room instead of four, the study said.

  To curtail limited space, shelters saw a 60% increase in alternative housing options such as hotel rooms and safe houses, and a 20% increase in online tool usage, the study said."

"A Pandemic within a Pandemic: Intimate Partner Violence During Covid-19"

Excerpts from this Article Include: "Domestic-violence hotlines prepared for an increase in demand for services as states enforced these mandates, but many organizations experienced the opposite. In some regions, the number of calls dropped by more than 50%.1 Experts in the field knew that rates of IPV had not decreased, but rather that victims were unable to safely connect with services. Though restrictions on movement have been lifted in most regions, the pandemic and its effects rage on, and there is widespread agreement that areas that have seen a drop in caseloads are likely to experience a second surge. This pandemic has reinforced important truths: inequities related to social determinants of health are magnified during a crisis, and sheltering in place does not inflict equivalent hardship on all people.

 One in 4 women and one in 10 men experience IPV, and violence can take various forms: it can be physical, emotional, sexual, or psychological.2 People of all races, cultures, genders, sexual orientations, socioeconomic classes, and religions experience IPV. However, such violence has a disproportionate effect on communities of color and other marginalized groups. Economic instability, unsafe housing, neighborhood violence, and lack of safe and stable child care and social support can worsen already tenuous situations. IPV cannot be addressed without also addressing social factors, especially in the context of a pandemic that is causing substantial isolation.

 Economic independence is a critical factor in violence prevention."

"Study Finds Rise In Domestic Violence During Covid-19" 

Excerpts from this Article Include: "X-ray evidence points to pandemic lockdowns triggering a surge in cases of domestic violence.

 Data from a major Massachusetts hospital found a significant year-over-year jump in intimate partner violence cases among patients -- nearly all women -- who sought emergency care during the COVID-19 pandemic's first few weeks.

 "This data confirms what we suspected," said study co-author Mardi Chadwick Balcom. "Being confined to home for a period of time would increase the possibility for violence between intimate partners."

 And the new study probably exposes "only the tip of the iceberg," said co-author Dr. Bharti Khurana, as it focused only on patients who sought emergency care at Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston and reported being a victim of domestic abuse."

"The scans identified 26 patients with injuries consistent with either superficial wounds or serious abuse.

 That number was nearly equal to the 27 identified at the hospital during the same weeks in 2018 and 2019 combined. It also exceeded the 15 cases of physical abuse treated in 2017.

 During spring 2020, the hospital treated 28 serious domestic abuse injuries (with some patients sustaining more than one). Such "deep" injuries resulted from strangulation, stabbing, burns and/or the use of knives or guns, the study reported.

 Five victims of severe abuse were identified in 2020, compared to one in each of the three previous years."

""For many women and girls," he added, "the threat looms largest where they should be safest, in their own homes.""

"Many shelters and safe homes have had to move people into hotels to comply with COVID-19 guidelines, so space for domestic abuse victims can be limited. But help is available, Balcom said."

"Early Numbers Suggest Domestic Violence Homicides May Be On The Rise."

Excerpts from this Article Include: "In two major counties, preliminary data shows domestic violence homicides are already twice 2019 totals—with nearly all occurring since the pandemic began."  "In Memphis, Milwaukee and Jefferson Parish, a New Orleans suburb, domestic violence homicides had equaled or surpassed last year’s total by Oct.13, NBC News found. In Tarrant County, Texas — home to Fort Worth — they had more than doubled.

 In the Seattle area, there were 14 domestic violence homicides in 2020 through Oct. 8, equal to the combined total for 2018 and 2019, according to the King County District Attorney’s office. All but one of the 2020 homicides occurred after the governor issued a Covid-19 state of emergency.

 It is too soon to draw conclusions about trends, or assign any statistical significance when working with small numbers, but any increase in domestic violence homicide is worrying, said Ruth Glenn, executive director of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

 “Hard national data is impossible to come by, but we know domestic violence is on the rise” during the pandemic, she said. “My bigger concern is those [victims] who aren’t reporting, particularly during this time when things are even more frightening and it’s potentially harmful, potentially lethal to call.”"

"“There is probably a vast number of victims that aren't coming forward because they don't know where to look, or the system — maybe they try it on their own and it's very confusing, and they give up.”"

"Family Violence and Covid-19: Increased Vulnerability and Reduced Options for Support."

Excerpts from this Article Include: "Family violence during pandemics is associated with a range of factors including economic stress, disaster-related instability, increased exposure to exploitative relationships, and reduced options for support (Peterman et al. 2020)."

"Social isolation exacerbates personal and collective vulnerabilities while limiting accessible and familiar support options (van Gelder et al. 2020). In many countries, including Australia, we have already seen an increase in demand for domestic violence services and reports of increased risk for children not attending schools (Duncan, 2020), a pattern similar to previous episodes of social isolation associated with epidemics and pandemics (Boddy, Young &

O’Leary 2020). In Australia, as stay-at-home orders came into force, the police in some parts of the country reported a 40% drop in crime overall, but a 5% increase in domestic abuse call-outs (Kagi 2020). At the same time in Australia, Google reported a 75% increase in Internet searches relating to support for domestic abuse (Poate 2020).

This pattern is repeated internationally. Reports of domestic abuse and family violence have increased around the world since social isolation and quarantine measures came into force. Recently, anecdotal evidence from the United States, China, Brazil, and Australia indicates increases in intimate partner, women, and children violence due to isolation and quarantine (Campbell 2020; Peterman et al. 2020; van Gelder et al. 2020). China, the first country to impose mass quarantine in the Wuhan province, saw reported domestic abuse incidents rise threefold in February 2020 compared to the previous year (Allen-Ebrahimian 2020). As Europe imposed quarantine measures in an effort to slow the tide of infection, the Italian government began commissioning hotels to provide shelter to the increasing number of people fleeing abusive situations (Davies & Batha 2020). Similarly, France reported a 32% - 36% increase in domestic abuse complaints following the implementation of self-isolation and quarantine measures (Reuters News Agency 2020).

France also began commissioning hotels as shelters for those fleeing abuse. As quarantine measures extended to the United States, individual states reported similar increases in domestic abuse incidents ranging from 21% to 35% (Wagers 2020). Back in Europe, the UK has also seen concerns about increase in family violence (Bradbury-Jones & Isham 2020). There have been reports of homicide associated with family violence in several countries (Bradbury-Jones & Isham 2020; Reuters News Agency 2020). The National Domestic Abuse Hotline in the UK saw a 25% increase in calls since stay-at-home measures were implemented (Kelly & Morgan 2020), recording at least eight family violence-related deaths (Knowles 2020)."

"How Smart Devices Are Exploited For Domestic Abuse."

Does More Dependence on Technology during the Pandemic NOW Make DV Victims More Vulnerable to Spying, Tracking, Stalking and Ultimate Control via Technology?

"The number of domestic abuse cases has increased dramatically since the UK's Covid lockdown - and tech has played a role.

Smart speakers, tracking apps and key-logging software are among products that have made it easier for perpetrators to maintain control of victims and continue abuse.

Domestic-violence charity Refuge says more than 70% of those it provides support to have reported tech-related abuse within a relationship.

Two people who experienced abuse during the pandemic shared their stories with BBC Click.

They asked to remain anonymous for their own safety.

"When he left the house, that's when I started to see that he was using the Ring doorbell camera to track me," says Kate, who is using a pseudonym. She is referring to Amazon's internet-connected security device. It triggers alerts when it detects motion in front of a home and allows live footage or recordings to be watched from afar.

"I could take the battery out of it if I wanted to, but I didn't feel like I could because he would say to me, 'You're compromising our children's safety'.

"I was worried that he would go to the police and try and suggest that I'm a bad mother."

Another explained how her partner used Amazon's virtual assistant to monitor her via a function that lets users remotely connect to enabled smart speakers and listen/speak via an intercom-like facility.

"He would set up all the accounts," says Sue, who is also using an alias.

"He would set up family-sharing on things. There were various Alexa devices all over the property.

"He could drop in from outside or he could go to someone's house and ring the Alexa when we were at home."

Abuse experienced by men also increased during the pandemic.

The Respect Men's Advice Line reports receiving 5,000 more calls during the start of the UK lockdown than in the same period the year before.

But women are still more likely to experience violence and harassment. Three-quarters of domestic abuse victims recorded by the police last year were female, according to the Office for National Statistics' latest figures."

Does The Corona Virus Impact Whether or Not Someone Reports DV?

"Officials: Crime Reports Affected By Corona-Virus Response."  Excerpts from this Article Include: "Stay-at-home orders stemming from the coronavirus response likely have affected the number of burglaries, auto thefts and domestic violence incidents reported in Shelby County and Memphis, officials said."

"Home burglaries dropped by 24% countywide, compared with the first quarter of 2019.

 “This may be attributable to a significant number of citizens staying at home in March,” the report said.

 Motor vehicle thefts increased 22% countywide in the first quarter. Vehicle thefts tend to rise when schools aren’t in session, officials said.

 Reports of domestic violence in the county in March were down 9% compared with the same month last year.

 Bill Gibbons, president of the Memphis Shelby County Crime Commission, said domestic violence victims may feel it is “unsafe to call 911 with perpetrators remaining close by in the home and with no alternative places to go for safety.”

 “Even under difficult circumstances, victims should always try to safely seek help,” Gibbons said."

DV On the Streets During COVID-19: 

"Pregnant Woman, Baby Killed In Domestic Dispute, Police Say."

"Phoenix Man Kills Wife After She Reports Fight To Police."

"Man Charged With Killing Ex-Girlfriend, 3 Others."

"Police Reveal Details Regarding Shooting of Travis HS Coach Killed in Family-Related Dispute at Sports Complex in Rosenberg."

"Details Released in Shooting Death of Travis Highschool Football Coach."

Even the Helpers -- Those who work to Prevent DV, are having to do things differently:

"South Caroline Moved Domestic Violence Ceremony Online."

"Amid Pandemic, Mexico To Cut Funds To Domestic Violence Shelters."

Officials React to DV Crisis amid COVID-19 Crisis:

"UN Chief Urges End to Domestic Violence, Citing Global Surge." 

  "“For many women and girls, the threat looms largest where they should be safest — in their own homes,” Gutteres said. “And so I make a new appeal today for peace at home — and in homes — around the world.”"

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Sound: "It's the End of the World as We Know It."  

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“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.” – Robin Williams

The Most Recent News Related to Domestic Violence

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Domestic Violence Reportedly More Prevalent During CORONA-Virus / COVID-19 Shutdowns

  Many Suspected this would happen when communities throughout the World commenced their compulsory shut downs due to CORONA-Virus COVID-19.  
  Now it is upon us; What will we do now to make things right?

FOX News Article: Domestic violence More Prevalent During Covid-19 Shutdowns

DV "On the Rise" per the WHO (World Health Organization" during COVID-19 Lockdowns

   This article states: "Though data are scarce, countries are reporting up to a 60% increase for April, compared to the same month last year, in emergency calls by women who are subjected to violence from their intimate partners, Kluge said. Online queries to hotlines have increased up to five times, he added."
DV "On the Rise" during COVID-19 Lockdowns

One Terrible, albeit NOT Intended Outcome of Stay-At-Home Orders:

  A number of Domestic Violence Victim Advocates have predicted a possible rise in Family Violence during the time period when almost all people in certain countries were compelled to remain in their homes while the CORONA-Virus, COVID-19 slithered and wound it's way through modern Civilization.  

  As predicted, I have heard from both Emergency Room Doctors and DV Victim Advocates that these horrific  nightmares have unfortunately come true for way too many innocent adult victims as well as children during this time period.  

  Below is a story of such nightmares.  Please be fore-warned that the attached article and images might be disturbing to some people.  Click with care.

https://www.thescottishsun.co.uk/fabulous/5542996/coronavirus-domestic-violence-lockdown/