What we are looking at here are two major areas that have to do with our DV Offenses. We are going to focus on the areas of our sensations and our timing. We are going explore the ideas around; What was I sensing -- and at which points of time was I sensing it -- before, during and after my DV Offense?
Ask yourself the following questions regarding the time period around your Domestic Violence Offense:
> -- What was I Seeing around the time of my DV Offense?
> -- What was I Hearing around the time of my DV Offense?
> -- What was I Smelling around the time of my DV Offense?
> -- What was I Tasting around the time of my DV Offense?
> -- What was I Thinking around the time of my DV Offense?
> -- What was I Feeling around the time of my DV Offense?
> -- What was I Believing just before and at the time of my DV Offense?
> -- What was I Afraid of around the time of my DV Offense? and
> -- What was I Doing around the time of my DV Offense?
(I was definitely Feeling, Thinking, Doing, Tasting, Hearing, Wanting, Seeing, Believing something at the time... Right? -- Also, I was definitely trying to do something around the time of my DV Offense.)
Spot Your Monster, Before Your Monster Spots You:
The Philosopher Fredrich Nietzsche once wrote: "He who fights with monsters should be careful lest he thereby become a monster. And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee."
(In Nietzshe's case, the Abyss could have been: "the regions of hell conceived of as a bottomless pit.")
A different point of view along similar lines might be like viewing an Image that seems not to have a beginning, or an end, or even a good projection of clarity when we first view it. And at that point, we might have a feeling like we are to look into the abyss -- one might say -- -- and if one thinks of the Abyss in terms of that mysterious place that Humans go often in their minds when they commit DV -- it becomes even more interesting -- because of the idea that it also might start looking back into us.
Then we can also begin to explore ways to make it stop -- to make what stop? In this case, to make DV Stop. But then at that point, we have to keep in mind that it might start looking back into us still. Imagine our DV looking back at us.
In other words, Human Experiences are full of moment-by-moment sensations such as taste, smell, feeling, thinking, yearning, hearing, seeing, fearing etc... The key here is to get a good look at what those sensations are/were for us before, during and after the time of our DV Offense.
That DV Offense Probably DID NOT Just Happen all by itself -- Because Many other things were happening at the same time:
Domestic Violence Events, Offenses and the Choices that help create them involve both relatively simple and relatively complex factors and situations.
Some people are more aware of their Surroundings, their Senses and their Choices than are others. However, after hearing over 1,000 first-hand stories of how DV Offenses Happen, I have never heard one where there was not at least one choice involved: Either To DO Something; OR To NOT DO something.
However, People are typically more complex thinkers, feelers and doers than would be allowed in a system limited to just Yes-or-No, binary or discrete choices such as "To Do; or Not To Do".
I propose that Domestic Violence often occurs as a result of choices that we make that involve a complex array of sensations, desires, truths, facts, wants, beliefs and other psychological processes.
That being said, there are at least 5 different Time Periods to every event. In terms of DV; one could say that there are the following time periods around any DV Event.
Now Ask yourself this:
> -- What was going through my mind during the time period Leading up to My DV Offense? (It could be seconds, moments, days, hours, months...)
> -- What was going through my mind during the time period Just Before My DV Offense? (Right before it happened.)
> -- What was going through my mind during the time period During My DV Offense? (When I did something or some things that the Police considered to be -- hence alleged to be -- Domestic Violence.)
> -- What was going through my mind during the time period Just After My DV Offense? (Could be a lot of things...) and
> -- What was going through my mind during the time period further Afterwards or in Retrospect of My DV Offense? (Could be months later, or it could be that night in my jail cell, or in Court for the first time...)
Now: What are My DV CUES?
DV Cues are the impressions, feelings, thoughts, physical sensations, fears, desires, ideas, notions, positions of standing or sitting, inspirations, movements and other influences that tell me that it is time to do something (Like, "Here's your cue...") -- and in too many cases; it tells me to do something that could be considered Domestic Violence. I say that because one time is too many. This could drag out for weeks; or most likely, this could all happen in a split second. But even one split-second of Domestic Violence behavior is too much, Right?
When we begin to sense our DV Cues (that is if we know what they feel like), it is something to be taken seriously. We need to learn how to listen to our senses -- how to listen to our Cues -- our turn -- and try and accept that those senses are telling us something. Those are our CUES. We need to know as soon as possible, when it is time to STOP and immediately do whatever it takes to prevent any more thinking, feeling or acting in a way that could lead to, or be construed as Domestic Violence. Those cues might possibly tell us this. We just need to listen to them.
Now ask yourself: What are my DV Cues? (Hint: They might be a whole lot like your answers to the first 15 questions above.)
If you are able to become familiar with your DV Cues, then you will be one step closer to being able to stop DV-type Thinking and Behaviors in the future. This in turn, could help you prevent any further DV in your life.
Hence, you may be able to have even much more fulfilling Relationships. And you can quite possibly stay out of trouble. That's a good thing, right?
A Really Great first Step, however, would be to try and start to figure out what are your DV Cues.
So what do I do now??? Then Comes Immediate Crisis Intervention Aimed At Prevention of DV:
Three good methods for preventing Domestic Violence at the points around a potential DV crisis include:
- In order to learn how to completely avoid getting into a DV-Type Situation in the first place, it helps to learn about effective Communication Techniques to use During a Crisis -- Basically Self-Management: (Stop, Be Quiet, Sit Down, Listen Respectfully, Try really hard to understand the message your partner is trying to convey, Wait until you know what to do, and then Proceed Respectfully with Caution).
- Once any type of DV-Type Thinking Begins, it is time to Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely.
- Once one feels at immediate Risk of DV-type Behavior, it is time for Taking a Time Out.
*** Click Here to Complete the "My DV Cues" Worksheet. ***
*** In addition to the Worksheet; always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session as well.
Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.
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