Cycle of Violence: The Cyclical Nature of Our World as it Relates to Intimate Partner Violence

  First, it is important to know that this Cycle of Violence is NOT the Inter-Generational Cycle of Inherited Maladies and Tendencies.  Whereas the former Cycle is about how we tend to learn ways of thinking and behaving in our families of origin; the Cycle of Violence is about what we do as adults in our Relationships while we are a part of a system otherwise known as a Relationship or a Marriage.

  In other words, the Cycle of Violence is about the tendency to continue a bad or violent dance with our partner; until it gets so out of control that we tend to crash and burn. 

  It can also happen after we leave a partner, where we simply continue thinking and acting out behaviors that are self-destructive; and/or harmful to others.

  Think about it: This World operates on many MANY Cycles!  Such as the Lunar Cycles, the Earth's Seasons, Crop Rotation, Months and Seasons of each Year, Each Person has numerous Cycles going on -- such as each Generation of a Family, or the NEWS Cycle, Biological Cycles, pretty much every School operates on Cycles, Cicadas and Snakes (shedding their skins in cycles), and Humans do too.  And there's a good time of year to sheer your sheep because their wool grows and we don't want them to have that heavy wool during the hot Summer.  Our Financial Institutions and Government Agencies have their Fiscal Year-End, and they have their own cycles as well...  Some Flowers open up during the Sunlight; but then close at Night. and many many more!  

  Cycles are often a good thing -- and a natural thing... But like automobiles heading toward brick walls, it is better if certain cycles go slower or stop completely before they crash.

  Many survivors describe the abuse that they endured as happening in a cycle, meaning that there seems to be a pattern that occurs. 

  Of course, all relationships are different, and some do not fall into the cycle, however, when they do, the cycle described below is similar for many survivors. The Cycle of Violence consists of three phases, known as the:

Tension Building Phase

Explosion Phase / Crisis Phase

Honeymoon / Reconciliation Phase

 Click here to view a graphic of the Cycle of Violence by (Walker, 1979). 

Faster is NOT Always Better:

  Even after the first cycle completes itself which might take a year or more; it is time to try and stop and think about it, before we proceed.  But very few actually do that.  In other words, it is best to try and resolve and accept our differences; than it is to hold grudges and resentment in a relationship. Frequently, we are in such a hurry to get back to that comfortable state of being In-Love, so we overlook the problems that are right in front of us and hence we set ourselves up for yet another cycle -- one that could be much worse...

  And here we go again!!!

Tension-Building Phase:

  During this phase the victim often feels as though s/he is walking on eggshells, being extra careful not to trigger an explosion. The abuser may be moody or irritable. The victim senses a growing tension in the abuser and fears that the abuse could occur at any moment."

  Example:

• "I could feel it coming for about a week. Sam kept talking about being stressed at work and how I never understood how hard things were for him. I tried to be extra nice and made sure I had his favorite food around. I came home from my campus job early a few times to make sure that the apartment was clean so it would not add to his stress. Then finally, one evening I was sorting laundry and watching my favorite program, not paying attention to Sam. He must have said something to me, I am hearing impaired and cannot hear if there is a lot of background noise, and since I didn't respond he grabbed me by the hair and yanked my head around."

Explosion Phase: This is typically what most people think of when they hear of an abusive relationship. Yelling, hitting, pushing, punching, rape and other forms of emotional, physical or sexual violence can occur during this phase. The abuser may make threats of future violence against the victim, her family or her pets, pull out a weapon, or destroy property. An explosion can also take the form of extreme psychological or emotional abuse such as insults, mind games, embarrassing someone in public or restricting their personal liberty (locking them into a room, binding them, restricting their access to food, bathroom etc).

  Example:

• "We were hanging out with a bunch of his friends. At first he was just teasing me, then he started calling me names in front of his friends. Telling me I was stupid and that I embarrassed him. I told him I wanted to leave. We got up and went to the car. He insisted on driving me home that night. I was so mad at him for treating me like that, I just got in the car and was silent. This made him really mad. He started driving really fast, too fast and swerving all around. We almost hit another car. By the time we got to my place, I was crying and shaking. He yelled at me, saying that if I hated him so much why didn't I just run in and tell my daddy. He knew I wouldn't say anything. I would be in so much trouble if my family knew I was dating someone outside our religion, and he had already threatened to tell them himself if I ever complained..."

The Honeymoon Phase or The Reconciliation Phase: A cycle can begin or end with this phase. In order to regain control of the victim after an explosion the abuser often apologizes and promises that things will be better and that he/she will change, a tactic that instills hope in the victim. The abuser may blame the victim for the explosion and tell the victim that they are forgiven but that in the future they must help the abuser so that this does not happen again. The abuser gives the victim flowers, gifts, and sweet or romantic behavior to cement the reconciliation and reinforce that a time of peace and love (aka Honeymoon) has come to the relationship.

  Example:

• "A few days after the incident I was back with her. I don't know why exactly. She told me that she needed my help to get better. I guess I believed that I had somehow brought the violence out of her. That morning I'd been on the phone with a friend of mine that I knew she was jealous of, and I should have known it would make her angry. She loved me so much, and when it was good, it was so good. She made me feel so beautiful. We were happy like that for about six months until the tension started to build again."

Cycle Frequency/Duration: The cycle can happen hundreds of times during the course of an abusive relationship. One total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete. Each stage can vary greatly in the amount of time it takes to complete, and a stage may be skipped altogether. Typically the cycle shortens each time, so that very soon the honeymoon and tension building phases are shorter and the explosion is longer and more violent.

  Example:

• "It was really good with me and my boyfriend for like a whole year or something. Then he started to get angry a lot because he kept getting in trouble at school. He used to be a good student too, but this one White teacher had it out for him because he's the only Black kid in the honors class and spread around that he was a "problem kid". I mean I actually heard him talking to another professor about that. Anyway, my boyfriend was really upset about that, and sometimes he'd take it out on me, yelling and hitting me and stuff. I knew that wasn't right, but it wasn't right what was happening to him either and I wasn't going to get him into any more trouble with anyone. My mom told me that it's a crime how many young black men there are in prison. I wasn't going to do anything to add another one. But eventually it was like I couldn't even remember ever feeling good around him. It was like I was always afraid of him, and I would almost look forward to him hitting me just to get over with it. It got to the point he didn't even try to apologize anymore afterwards like he used to. I still didn't want to get him in trouble, though. I didn't know what to do."

  Per Doctor B, When the Cycle Speeds up, danger may not be far ahead.  When things get faster, we do not see as much of the detail as we need to in order to navigate safely.   And so, when the Cycle is going faster, such as if you are blowing up now and now again...  (whereas you used to blow up every six months); but you are now blowing every week for the last month; it is time to STOP Breathe Focus and Choose Wisely.  This way, you will have a fighting chance to avoid your Cycle of Violence from speeding up to a point where it is so fast that you end up with a DV Charge.

Question: So How am I going to break each Cycle .....

BEFORE it becomes too late???

  There is something to be said for the art of working through our differences; before our differences work through us... and we end up with a lot of built-up pressure and then eventually all the unresolved issues cause our boiling pot to boil over.  And then there is a Fight where there is disrespect (i.e., verbal violence) and/or possibly even physical violence.  

  Perhaps one of the most reliable keys to stopping this cycle is to learn how to resolve issues as they arise (or at least within a reasonable amount of time) BEFORE we get to a point where we feel that disrespect or violence can be justified.  And then we end up doing something awful that might never be forgotten.

  If one cannot do that.. then perhaps -- as difficult as it may seem -- it is time to walk away from the Relationship.

But WHY???

  It is also important to think about the probability that if we do not solve whatever is the root problem that we keep fighting about; then the cycle will probably just continue.

  And if it continues, then the faster it will get.  And then... the worse it gets.  The faster the cycle goes; the more likely someone is going to get hurt or even worse.

  And finally, if we continue the cycle without creating or allowing any solutions, then eventually, we will just keep acting on the cycle itself -- faster and faster and faster and becoming more dangerous with every spin...  When it comes to this, the ultimate self-control would include the willingness and ability to find a way to stop the cycle.  

  And because we cannot really control other people, sometimes the only thing we can really do is stop our own part of the fighting.  Even if it means we have to walk away from taunts by the other person saying that we are just losers.  We have to be mature enough to know that it ain't worth it.

  Simply put: There is nothing to actually win by putting down a person that we said that we loved; or by defeating that person, or by beating them in any way, shape or form.  Nothing good ever comes out of it.

*** Please Click Here to Complete your Cycle of Violence Worksheet. ***

Sources:

Source: (Campus Advocacy Network, Retrieved 8/31/2020.) (Other Source Info.)
Source: (Walker, 1979, Cycle of Violence.)
Source: The Author for the second Cycle of Violence Graphic Above is Unknown.
Source: (Click here to see other wheel-like adaptations to DV-Related Topics).

(Originally Published 8/31/2020).

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

 

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(Originally posted 2/20/2021)

Overcoming Minimization, Denial and Blame about a Domestic Violence Offense In Order to Manifest Accountability

  One of the primary goals of Domestic Violence treatment is to help people become accountable for their actions, thoughts and feelings from the past and the present; as well as to strive for Accountability in the future.  

  One can begin at the point of thinking for just a minute about a time when I was hurt (physically or emotionally or socially or financially) by someone (on purpose; or even accidentally).    

  Think about that for a moment.  And try to picture how I would feel if they didn't even acknowledge that they have hurt me.  What would I think about them?  Also, what would I think about myself at that moment? 

  This is a pain that could go on and on for decades in some cases.  When all it would have taken at the beginning would have been an apology from the person who did it.  

  So after processing all that (back then); what would I do?  Would I -- or should I act out violently?  Probably not.  Should I act out verbally and try to hurt their feelings or their reputation?  Probably not.  Should do nothing about it?  

  Either way, the pain is there.  But wouldn't I then be making it even more painful if I were to get into trouble for what I did back to them?  So what should I do?  One idea could be to just always try and be fully accountable for the things that I do to others.

  Otherwise, I am going to be in Denial with either Minimization or Blame on my mind.  And that will be a hard way to go.  Accountability is the answer.

Minimization, Denial and Blame

  In discussing Minimization, Denial and Blame regarding DV-type Behaviors or Offenses, it is important to accept the fact that when ever someone is hurt by another person; yet that other person either minimizes, denies, or blames the victim for the pain they are suffering; this tends to add insult to injury.  

  In short, Minimization, Denial and Blame can be conceptualized as Freudian Ego Defenses.  In other words; then phenomena tend to protect us from things we cannot handle at times. But eventually, everyone has to pay the piper.

  Humans tend to be very intelligent and they are really good at manufacturing defenses that will help keep them from having to think honestly about something awful that happened in their life.  Unfortunately, these defenses also tend to hurt others at times.  This is a good reason why we should strive to overcome our Minimization, Denial and Blame for things that we have done to others.  These defenses tend to hurt everyone involved at one time or another.  But that's usually not our intention.  That's why it's good to be able to stop it.

  Minimization is when one (or both) persons are hurt; and the person who did harm to the other person refuses to recognize that harm was done and/or that the other person is actually hurt (physically or in some other way).

  Denial is when the person who did harm to the other person either flat out denies that the harm exists, denies that the event took place, or denies that they were a part of this event which caused harm to the other person.

  Blame is when the person who harmed the other person may admit that they did what they did; however, rather than taking accountability for their actions, he or she blames their actions on the other person, on the situation, or on other factors.  Surely, many things may be involved in any given situation -- particularly a situation involving Domestic Violence; however, DV or Interpersonal Violence almost always involves a deliberate choice on the part of at least one of the people involved.

  And truly, in many cases, the victim played a part in becoming the victim and they are likely to live with the reality of their choices for a long time.  This is not to blame victims.  

  At the same time, the person who did the damage (whether physical, emotional, financial, social, or otherwise) must also accept the reality of the choices that he or she made.  We have to admit to the circumstances and things that contributed to the harm and pain that the other person -- the victim -- is having to live with.
  Therefore, once a person has caused any kind of harm to another person, in order for there to be a chance of any kind of healing, it is important that the person who did the harm avoid any sort of Minimization, Denial or Blaming of the Victim in regards to what happened and how and why the Victim was harmed.

  Minimization Denial and Blame can contribute to the cause of at least three problems: 

• 1) They keep the person who has done the harm from being able to truly comprehend the harm they have done, how they did it, and the pain that they have caused.  The person who did the harm does not really learn to do better next time.  They don't learn that they should do better;

• 2) Minimization Denial and Blame keep the person who has done the harm from being able to move on and make improvements that will help him or her to never make such choices again; and

• 3) Minimization Denial and Blame sometimes keep the victim from ever feeling whole again.  This may contribute to ongoing harm, pain or even trauma.

  Denial can be defined as: “When either the perpetrator or the victim essentially deny that the domestic violence is happening. 

 Or when one denies that what is happening is Domestic Violence -- even when it is clear to others that it is Domestic Violence.  In some cases, one might admit that it is happening, and that what is happening is Domestic Violence; but that “it is not that bad"; or that it's their own fault that they got hurt or that the DV was justified; as well as denial about the impact of the DV on those who it effects. 
 Denial is one of the most common Ego Defenses or barriers to accountability among DV Offenders -- and probably among many others as well. 

•  Think about it: What does denial look like in your life? 

Other examples of Denial could look like when someone says: 

• “At least no one ended up in the hospital – therefore, it was definitely not abuse.”
•  Or “I never laid a hand on her.” 
•  Or “If it was not for me drinking; it never would have happened. It’s the alcohol’s fault.” 
•  Or “She deserved everything she got.” 
•  Or “Heck, if I’d have done 1/10th of what my old man used to do to my mom, that would have been abuse!  But what I did was nothing.” 
•  Or “If she hadn't been talking to that other man, I would not have had to do something about it.” 

Accountability is VERY Different from Denial, Blame or Minimization; 
  When a DV offender actively takes full (100%; not just 50%) responsibility for his or her own actions, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings related to the DV incident(s). 
  This includes becoming responsible for her or his part in the cause(s) of DV, the reason(s) for the DV, the behaviors leading up to the DV incident, all of the different elements of the DV itself, the effects of the DV, and the impact that this DV had on all of those who were affected by it. 


What does Accountability look like? 

  Accountability can look like any of the following, plus many other things not mentioned here:

• Accountability can look like a person apologizing for his or her Domestic violence behaviors, thoughts and/or feelings without blaming any of it on any other person;

• Accountability can look like a person accepting that his or her DV-related legal problems are NOT the Victim's fault or the fault of the police, the person who called the police, the Courts, Probation, or DV treatment providers;

 

• Accountability can look like when a DV offender comes to all DV classes, pays for all DV classes as soon as possible, Contributes in class, and Complies with all other DV-related requirements;

 

• Accountability can look like a person actively taking a full moral inventory of her or his character, behavior, thinking, feeling, or socialization challenges that led to the DV and making a serious commitment to changing them for the better;

   Accountability can look like a person taking full responsibility for his or her DV actions without trying to say that it was the alcohol or drug’s fault; 

 • Accountability can look like a person taking steps to make amends (altruistic amends only – (i.e., expecting nothing in return)) for the damage she or he did;

 • Accountability can look like a person taking serious steps and making serious lifestyle changes that will lead to preventing any DV in the future;

  • Accountability can look like a person committing to living her or his life in such a way as to have the serenity to accept the things that she or he cannot change; the courage to change the things she or he can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  And

        And Accountability can look like a lot of other things as well. 

Our Defenses and Accountability; Versus Minimization, Denial and Blame.  

  Our Ego Defenses do several things.  Our Defenses protect us from realizing things that could be disappointing or even painful.  But they can also put us in danger, that is if there is some danger in NOT realizing something important.  

  "Defense mechanisms are behaviors people use to separate themselves from unpleasant events, actions, or thoughts. These psychological strategies may help people put distance between themselves and threats or unwanted feelings, such as guilt or shame” (Source).  

  At the same time, if my defenses will never let me own up to my issues in a relationship; eventually, my partner might get tired of me.

  And there are at least 10 different types of defenses: Denial, Repression, Projection, Displacement, Regression, Rationalization, Sublimation (or it could look like me becoming really sarcastic whenever I am angry), Reaction Formation (like exaggerating a fear), Compartmentalization and Intellectualization (Freud).

  Any of these Ego Defenses could keep me from truly realizing things that are currently hidden from me and tend to manifest in my interpersonal interactions as minimization, denial or blame; instead of accountability.  In short, the more I can be aware of my defenses, and when, and how I use them; and the more I can keep from using them; the more accountable I can become. 

  So if I am using Denial; who am I helping?  Who knows?  And If I'm using Denial; who am I possibly hurting?  

  Finally, if I really think I am doing this to hurt my partner -- or to get even with my Ex-Partner; then what could I possibly gain from this sort of behavior in the long run?

  Our Defenses are truly our own to solve or quit using.  And if we don't, then we are probably going to continue hurting BOTH ourselves AND others....  Same with using Minimization, Denial and Blame...   And what good will that do?

  The take home message here is that it is feasible that one of the best things any of us could possibly do at some point in our lives could be to get some help to try and figure out what our Defenses are -- or at least to try and figure it out for ourselves.  After all, these defenses sure can get in the way of accountability.  So let's get them out of the way!

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MINIMIZATION, DENIAL & BLAME WORKSHEET ***

(Originally posted: 7/27/2020).

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Finding Serenity in Order to Prevent Domestic Violence

  There is no doubt among experts that the exertion -- or attempted exertion -- of Power and Control over situations, things and/or people involved in a Relationship is one of the primary reasons why Domestic Violence Happens.  And more often than not in my experience; it is usually when one partner tries to CONTROL someone who does not wish to be controlled; or tries to CONTROL something that they are simply unable to control.  Hence, it seems logical that one way to prevent Domestic Violence will be for people to begin to examine their lives for a moment in terms of what they CAN CONTROL and what they CANNOT CONTROL.    

  Further, it might be wise to also take note of that which we -- as Humans -- we as Partners -- and/or we as persons who claim that we "LOVE" someone realize that we really need to  get a grasp of exactly how Unlike "LOVE", trying to CONTROL someone of an adult age and maturity can be.  Because LOVE is NOT about controlling someone.  LOVE is about accepting someone the way they are.

  And let's be clear that LOVE can be like an addiction also.

Letting Go of Our Attempts to Try And CONTROL Others:

  Just as with many other bad habits; when we truly want to quit; it often helps to have a good grasp of our reasons for quitting.  If one wishes to quit trying to control people, situations and things which they have no business trying to control, the mantra of "Serenity" can be very helpful -- as it has been for other people with bad habits and addictions for decades.

  One “definition of serenity is a state of being calm, peaceful and untroubled.  Achieving this positive state of mind means you won't feel as troubled by life's ups and downs. ... Instead, it's an essential part of your body, mind and soul” (Source).  

  Another definition of Serenity is that it is: "a state of being calm, peaceful and untroubled. Achieving this positive state of mind means you won’t feel as troubled by life’s ups and downs as before -- hopefully.  While addiction often brings chaos, a loss of control and emotional turmoil, serenity will help you stay calm and true to yourself" (Source).

  Other words for Serenity include: composure, calm, peacefulness, peace (Source).  Or: "patience, peace of mind, stillness, tranquility, quietness and quietude" (Source).   Whereas a list of words that are the Opposite to Serenity include: Anxiety, Agitation and Disruption (Source).

  "Others look at serenity as a sense of coming home to your true self and purpose. It’s not a luxurious, peaceful state. Instead, it’s an essential part of your body, mind and soul. Experiencing a state of serenity can help you avoid chronic stress and also tell you more about the activities that make you happy. It’s not just for monks, nuns and hermits hiding away in the mountains. Serenity can help you in Recovery and make a difference in how you view the challenges in your life." (Source).

Serenity can really come in handy -- particularly at times of crisis.

  A lot of DV events and DV Charges probably happen when someone (or even both parties) are trying to control something that they simply cannot control.

  There really is nothing like realizing and admitting to yourself at an awful time in your life, that you cannot control certain things.  For example if you are heartbroken because someone left you; chances are, you cannot control their decision to leave you.  And that's not always easy to accept.

  Sometimes, for example, it can be a very sad admission, such as to have to admit that you cannot control the Cancer that is ravaging the body of a dear friend.  

  Other times, Serenity can be very helpful in enabling one to admit when one cannot control something that another person is doing.  Or something another person wants to do.

Serenity, the Limits of Control and A DV Offense:

  This is a mini Exercise about how our Serenity is sometimes sacrificed when we try to take Power and Control over someone, something, or some situation which we had no business trying to control in the first place.  

• Name one thing about you that you feel contributed to you getting a DV Offense:

 >>> Now, Precisely what is it about this one thing that you are truly able to control 100 percent?

Name one thing about your partner that you feel contributed to you getting a DV Offense:

 >>> Now, Precisely what is it about this one thing  that you are truly able to control 100 percent?

    Dr. B proposes that many DV Offenses come out of someone trying to Control or Change something about another person that they truly cannot Control or Change. 

  

Exploring Causation...

  We really do not control as much as we sometimes think we do...  

  Once we accept that we truly cannot control hardly anything that we thought we could control; the question becomes: What can one do about the people, the things, the situations which one cannot control?  Admit that we cannot control it, right?  

  The theory is that the sooner one accepts that they cannot control certain people, certain situations or certain things; the sooner they might feel a whole lot better about life itself.  Yes, it might be a LOSS of some magnitude to let go of trying to control someone or something; but once we let go for good, the struggle will be over.  

  This can also become a great way to relieve stress.  Just let go of trying to control or change things that you cannot control or change.

  Also, this could lead to much more fulfilling relationships in the long run -- Relationships with fewer attempts by one partner or the other to try and control each other.

  This is where Serenity Comes in.  Why?  Because the main property of Serenity is having  the wisdom to know the difference (between the things we can control or change; and the things that we cannot control or change).  

  It works in helping people recover from addiction as well.  And it also works in helping people have healthier relationships.

  How can we make Serenity happen?  Well, it begins with studying the situation and determining what you can control or change; versus what you cannot control or change.

Here are one Author's suggestions for ways to find Serenity in your own life:

"Give thanks: Start and end your day by giving thanks for all you have, whether it’s food, shelter, clothing or something else.  (Learn to appreciate what is).

Practice acceptance: Life will always throw you curveballs, and it can get you down if you don’t practice acceptance.  (Practice accepting what is).

Be kind: Acting unkindly toward others does not benefit you. Instead, be kind, and most others will in turn be kind to you.  (Build up your Good Karma Bank Account).

Get enough sleep: Getting the right amount of sleep each night will help you wake up with a clear and relaxed mind.  (Healthy Diet might help also).

Keep your environment clean: It’s hard to relax in a messy space, so keep your space clean and fill it with things that bring you joy.  (Try to ignore the space that belongs to others).

Calm your wandering mind: Our minds easily drift away to unsettling thoughts when we let them. Instead, bring them back to what you love (a.k.a. Think of Love as the ability and the willingness to accept someone or something just the way it is...  If we want to control someone, or if we want them to change; then we clearly do not LOVE them all the way.  Right???).

Use serenity quotes: Hang serenity quotes on your fridge, around your home and in your car to remind yourself of your goals."  (Check out these Serenity Quotes.)

 (Source).  (Highlighted Notes in parentheses above were added by Dr. B.)

“Peace is the simplicity of heart, the serenity of mind, tranquility of soul, the bond of love.”

“Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm” (Source.).

“Learn to be silent. Let your mind listen and absorb.” – Pythagorus

Finally, About The Serenity Prayer:

  One of the most famous and most widely used Serenity Quotes is known as the "Serenity Prayer".  Without promoting any individual Faith or Religion, one can admit that the Serenity Prayer has been known as a staple of AA, NA, AL-ANON, CODA, OA and ACOA Meetings for decades.  A lot of healing has happened in conjunction with the Serenity Prayer.  

  It was also rumored that General Dwight D. Eisenhower (eventually to become U.S. President) had held close the Serenity Prayer during his planning and execution of "Operation Overlord" and/or D-Day -- Which facilitated the eventual End of WWII. He realized that he could not control whether or not any of the thousands of people who knew about the upcoming D-Day Invasion were leaking crucial information to the Nazis.  Plus, he knew that tens of thousands of Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, Pilots and others were going to perish on the Beaches of Normandy. He realized that it was bigger than him even though he was technically in charge and it probably would have been widely thought to be his fault if it all went wrong.  And this could have costs tens of thousands of lives, if not more.  Bus somehow, as the "Supreme Commander", he had to move forward and do his best to save the World from Hitler.

  "The Serenity Prayer means letting go of situations beyond your control and taking action toward things within your control. It also means being able to know when things are within your control and when things are beyond your control" (Source).

  The Serenity Prayer goes like this: "God, Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" (Source).

  Each of us could stand the benefits of the potential self-improvement of being able to consistently know our own positions regarding the following important tasks:

• >>>  Being able to muster the Serenity to Accept the things that we cannot change.

• >>>  Having the Courage to change the things that we can change. 

• >>>  And finding the wisdom to know the difference (between the things we can change; and the things which we cannot change).

  The Take home message here might be that Serenity could possibly help each of us feel a whole lot better about some of the most important things in our lives.  If we really study it and begin to truly realize which things we can control; and which things we cannot control; then we could be a lot happier because we could stop chasing things that we will never catch.  And further, we could start catching the things that we choose to chase.

  Think of it this way... Just because I might be a dog; doesn't mean that I have to chase every car that goes by.

  It's like Kenny Rogers sang, "You got to know when to hold them; know when to fold them; know when to walk away; and know when to run..."

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(Originally posted 3/8/2021)

Sources:

https://7summitpathways.com/blog/what-is-serenity/

https://www.thesaurus.com/browse/serenity

https://www.google.com/search?q=antonyms+for+serenity&rlz=1C1CHBF_en&oq=antonyms+for+serenity&aqs=chrome

..69i57j0i22i30l3j0i390j69i60.10978j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8 

https://steverosephd.com/the-meaning-of-the-serenity-prayer/

Attitudes And Types Of Thinking That Might Support DV-Type Behaviors: And How To Avoid Them

  Obviously, the things that we Humans do -- or Our Behaviors -- tend to be dictated by OUR Decisions and or Choices that we make.  And our Decisions and our Choices are typically based on our Perceptions about what is going on, Our Values, Our Beliefs, Our Attitudes, Our Desires, Our Needs, Our Intentions, and Our Thinking.

  Whenever we get into trouble of any kind, it is usually because of a Choice that we made and the Thinking and/or Behavior that we did prior to making that choice.

  Hence, if our Values, Beliefs, Attitudes, Thinking and Behaviors are those that somehow permit us to act in negative ways or even to commit DV, then we will likely choose to act negatively or to Commit DV -- even if we did not know at the time that it was DV, or that it was illegal.

  As a Mental Health Therapist and a DV Prevention Counselor or Treatment Provider, I have seen and heard many different types of thinking and attitudes from people who have gotten DV Charges (See below).  

  And I feel it is really important to know that this is not about anyone feeling ashamed; rather this is about people getting a really good look at some of what tends to under-pin or motivate DV-type Behaviors.  This way it can hopefully be prevented.

  And by the way, these are also things to watch out for in prospective future partners.

Beliefs, Attitudes and Thinking that Could Lead to DV

  This Lesson is about Learning about some of the Beliefs, Attitudes and Thinking can lead to DV or at least to some very negative patterns of thinking and behavior.  This is not to point anyone out or to pick on anyone in particular.  But below is a list of possible Less-Than-Helpful Thoughts and Attitudes that might sometimes lead to trouble.

  So, first lets take an inventory of sorts, asking the question: What are our possible Attitudes And Types Of Thinking That Might Support and/or Promote negative behaviors or DV: And How can we possibly Avoid Them?

  So, Which of these thoughts below seem familiar to you?

  (Items marked with an * are items that might just as commonly be found among women as men.)

* -- Thinking that Relationships are Permanent and that they will Never Change.

-- Thinking that I Own her (or him).

* -- Thinking that I Have a Right to Control Who She (or he) Talks To or Spends their time With.

-- Thinking that I have Privileges that she (or he) does not have.  Like going out and drinking with friends. 

-- Thinking that it is My Right to Control All of The Money -- especially if I earn all the money.

* -- Thinking that I do all the work around the house.

* -- Thinking that I am in a Position to Judge Her (or Him) About Almost Anything that they do or that they Believe.

-- Thinking that Because She's Female (or He's a Male), She (or He) is Somehow Less than I am.

* -- Thinking that Because She has (He has) Committed to this Relationship with me That I Don't Have to Respect them 100% of the Time any more.

* -- Thinking that I can Use The Kids To Get Her (or Him) To Do What I want them to do.

* -- Thinking that Because She's A Woman (or He's a Man), they are Automatically Responsible for Certain Things such as Cleaning the House, Cooking and Watching the Kids -- or even putting gas in the in the Car, doing the Yardwork, or Keeping a Steady Job.

-- Thinking that I have a Right to take Sex from Her (or Him) any time I want to because she is my wife (or He is my Husband).

* -- Thinking that if I suspect (or even think I know) that they are Cheating on me, that I have a RIGHT to know any of the details --- much less ALL of the details.

* -- Thinking that I get to determine what is FAIR, and what is not FAIR for us regardless of how she (or he) feels about it.

* -- Thinking that it is My job to Teach Her (or Him), to Mold them, or to Make them do things the way I Want her them to do them.

* ? -- Thinking that whenever we disagree, that it must be settled asap, and that one of us has to be right and the other one has to be wrong.

-- Thinking that I am more powerful than her (or him) just because I am bigger, stronger and know how to fight better.

* -- Thinking that Because we are together or even married; I have a Right to make her (or his) Family and others butt out of our business.

* -- Thinking that Because She (or He) has me, they do not need to have anyone else in their life -- like no friends, no nothing....

* -- If she (or he) already has kids from before; thinking that their other kids are somehow NOT my responsibility and that they should not be treated as well as we treat the children that we share.

* -- Thinking that Because She (or He) chose to leave me; I have a Right to Alienate them from our children -- or from our friends, my family, or from anyone or anything else for that matter.

* -- Thinking that my behavior when I am stoned or drunk or even blacked out does not count.

-- Thinking that Because I make the money, she (or he) has no need for Education, Training or even a Job.

* -- Thinking that I have the Right to Control where she (or he) Works and With Whom they Work.

* -- Thinking that I have a Right to look at her (or his) Phone -- such as to see if she they are "cheating" on me.

* -- Thinking that When I am Angry, I have a Right to break anything around the House as long as it is something that I Paid For.

* -- Thinking that Because She is a Female (or He is a Male), that they are not as Smart as, or as Honorable as I am.

* -- Thinking that doing things the way my own Family did them is the way it has to be.

* -- Thinking that I have a Right to do things that I Like, even if they hurt their feelings.

* -- Thinking that it is okay to verbally Disrespect or Threaten Her (or Him) as long as I do not hit them.

* -- Thinking that it is acceptable for me to intentionally make her (or him) Jealous and make them believe that I am seeing someone else just to manipulate them.

* -- Thinking that I have the Right to Manipulate Her (or Him) by Threatening to Kill Myself if they don't do what I want them to do right now. 

* -- Thinking that I have a Right to Call Her (or Him) Names.

* -- Thinking that If I Accuse Her (or Him) of Cheating, or even Catch them Cheating that it will Solve anything.

-- Thinking that Because I am Bigger or Meaner or Stronger or Smarter or Cuter than Her (or Him), that I get to make significant decisions (I.e., Choosing a place to live, buying a vehicle, or even naming a child) without also seeking their Approval.

* -- Thinking that I have a Right to Humiliate her (or him) in front of others (or even privately), in order to get them to do what I want.

-- Thinking that it is Okay for me to emotionally or physically hurt or Threaten to hurt or neglect the Kids or the Pets when we are not getting along.

* -- Thinking that I am in a Position to determine what my partner is Really thinking or feeling.

* -- Thinking that it is understandable and acceptable for me to say and/or do hurtful and/or destructive and/or embarrassing things when I am Angry.

-- Thinking that it is Wrong to get help from a Family Member, Counselor, Therapist, a Good Friend, Doctor or Minister when we -- as a couple -- or even when either one of us -- as individuals -- are experiencing serious problems.

* -- Thinking that it is okay for me to use our funds to purchase Alcohol or Drugs -- especially if I have an Addiction -- and even if we do not have money for our basic needs.

* -- Thinking it is normal for me to NOT Trust her (or him) -- especially around people of the opposite sex.

* -- Thinking that it is Acceptable for me to live off of her (or his) Public Assistance Entitlements such as Food Stamps, Housing, Tan-F or Disability without contributing.

-- Thinking that as a Man (or Woman), I have "needs", Hence I have a Right to take a Mistress or a Sancha (Sancho) if they do not sexually please me the way I want them to.

-- Thinking that it is Okay for me to keep, play, watch or listen to offensive and/or demeaning Music or Videos in the Home, or in the presence of Her (or Him) and/or the Kids.

-- Thinking that as the Man (or Woman), it is My Role to intentionally use my Power Over them, or to Subjugate and/or Dominate My Partner, or even the Kids in order to Teach them to Respect Me.

-- Thinking that while in this Relationship, it is Acceptable for me to keep company with people or even family or friends who are disrespectful toward Women / (or toward Men) or toward Children in general and/or specifically toward Our Children and/or my Partner.

-- Thinking that Because I am the Man (or a Woman), I can single-handedly make important decisions regarding our Children (such as school, sports, church, or medical treatment etc...) without even considering the feelings of my partner.

-- Thinking that it is Okay for me to Yell and Scream in My House because I feel Angry -- even if it is scary for others when I do so.

-- Thinking it is Acceptable for me to Drive in a Scary Way when I am Angry.

-- Thinking that during times when we are Troubled, Arguing or Fighting, that I have a Right to mess around with, Clean, Display, Brandish, Train, or even Practice with a Weapon -- such as a handgun -- of any kind particularly in the presence of, or even on the same property as My Partner and/or the Children.

-- Thinking that She (or He) does not have a RIGHT to Love or even to Like any other person of the opposite Sex as much as they like or love me.

  

  CAN YOU THINK of ANY MORE???

  No doubt there are more out there.  RIGHT???

Some Ideas or Principles about Preventing the Attitudes and/or Preventing the Thoughts that might constitute "DV-Type Attitudes", "Thinking" or "Behaviors" --  that might be DV include:

1. Always know that you and your Partner are basically Equals.  You might not always notice their worth, but it is there.  Neither of you is more important as a Human than the other.  Treat your Partner like an EQUAL Partner -- for as long as you are partners.

2. Always show RESPECT for your Partner and for the Children in every way possible.  But above all, Respect yourself ...  Always strive to find ways where BOTH you and your partner can feel respected.  

3. Obtain and Maintain a firm grasp on the separation of things that you CAN Control from the things that you CANNOT Control.  Don't try to control things about your partner that you cannot control.

4. Work hard to develop a Strong Sense of Empathy for your Partner and for your Children.  Learn about what makes them tick and definitely learn about what makes them tickle.  Remember, if it is flies that you want; Honey attracts more flies than Vinegar.

5. Learn how to Communicate -- and learn that Listening is the MOST IMPORTANT Part of Communication.  And in a Crisis type of argument with your Partner or with your Kids -- if it is physically safe to do so, ALWAYS try to sit down and listen fully to their point of view.  Then work to negotiate and even compromise a Fair Solution.  This way you will never be perceived as threatening.

6. Remember that Fairness is not Fair, unless you both agree that it is Fair.  

7. Commit to always being HONEST with yourself and HONEST with your Partner.  But be careful what you say, when you say it, and how you say it.  Think before you talk.

8. Do the Best you can for your Partner -- every time -- FOR YOUR PARTNER.

9. Never Use the Children in any way to Hurt, Insult, or Relay negative messages to your partner; or to your Ex.  

10. Always be Accountable to Your Self and to your Partner.  Be willing to sit down and listen to your partner's concerns and be as prompt as you can be in the efforts to take accountability for things that you have done.

Discussion: 

  

  What do you think?  

  Do I see myself in any of these descriptions.  Do I -- or Have I -- thought of or done any of these things?

  What kinds of thoughts and feelings might underlie these types of attitudes and thinking -- this "DV Thinking" that I have had?

  Where do we learn these types of thinking and attitudes -- this "DV Thinking"?  Quite possibly, I learned it from my Family, from Friends, From Society, or even from my own Cognitive Distortions

  What could be the effects of such Thinking and Behaviors -- this "DV Thinking" -- on my partner?

  What could be the effects of such Thinking and Behaviors on our children?

  What could be the effects of such Thinking and Behaviors on other people?

  What could be the effects of such Thinking and Behaviors on Me?

  Finally, when I think or behave this way  -- with this "DV Type Thinking" --  does it really work for me?  

  Does it work for anyone?  Probably not.  

  Does it get me what I want?  No.

  So, Why do I do these things?  

  Perhaps I will never really know why.  

  But what I can do is I can try really hard to change my own Thinking, my own Attitudes,  -- my own "DV Thinking" --  and my own Behaviors.  

 

  And then I can try to move forward with a different type of thinking and a different attitude as well. 

  And perhaps then, things might work out better for me and for my partner and for our kids. 

  What do you think?  

  ***Please CLICK HERE To Complete your

Helpful Thoughts and Attitudes Worksheet!***

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(Originally posted 4/19/2021)

Musica:

Right Place; Wrong Time (Dr. John)

Can't You See... (Marshall Tucker Band)

South City Midnight Lady (Doobie Brothers)

Love on a Two Way Street (The Moments)

Thank you.  And have a nice day.