Getting Ready for a NEW YEAR: Planning for A Year without Domestic Violence and A Year with Healthier Relationships

How do we do it?  How do we plan for a New Year that will be free of Domestic Violence?

  Sure, we have had some really dark times.  Yes, we did get into trouble because we made some poor choices.  And there is little doubt that many of us also feel like we got a raw deal.

  However, we still have the power to make this situation come out better for us -- in the long run.  We have at least three choices here:

1. Do Nothing.  Just sit around feeling sad;

2. Get even more angry and sad about it and everything else and then spend the next few months being resentful instead of learning how to prevent ever again getting arrested for Domestic Violence.  Not feeling like learning how to have healthier relationships; Or

3. We can look ahead.  Stop and take a good look at that rising SUN up ahead.  Notice how the dark clouds above us seem to be ending about one-third of the way toward the Horizon out there.  Ask ourselves a question: Are we going to sit here and obsess over those dark clouds?  Or are we going to take advantage of the opportunity before us?  In order to take those first steps?  Are we ready to take the actions that we need in order to be willing and able to let go of the losses as we move forward -- as we move forward toward the Sunshine and hopefully a New Year without Domestic Violence?  

  Are you READY?

  First, we have to be clear about what DV Is.  What is Domestic Violence?  Let's sample a few possibilities here.

  According to the Violence Prevention Alliance, DV can be defined as:   

"The intentional use of physical force or power, threatened or actual, against oneself, another person, or against a group or community, that either results in or has a high likelihood of resulting in injury, death, psychological harm, maldevelopment, or deprivation" (Source).

  For further clarification about this important question -- (What is DV?) -- we also searched other parts of the Web.  We found that according to the Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence: 

“When the general public thinks about domestic violence, they usually think in terms of physical assault that results in visible injuries to the victim. (However) This is only one type of abuse. There are several categories of abusive behavior, each of which has its own devastating consequences. Lethality involved with physical abuse may place the victim at higher risk, but the long term destruction of personhood that accompanies the other forms of abuse is significant and cannot be minimized.” (Source). 

  Also, on a related train of thought about Violence itself, we found that we need to keep other things in mind as well.  Such as the larger context of Violence.  For example, according to the Newfoundland Labrador the types of Violence include:  

Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Psychological, Spiritual, Cultural, Verbal, Financial, Racial and Neglect (Source).

  And to that list, Dr. B might add: digital / electronic violence (via social media), as well as social violence (destroying reputation). 

  As for the Colorado law that defines domestic violence (DV) is CRS 18-6-800.3.  It states that "“domestic violence” means an act or threatened act of violence upon a person with whom the actor is or has been involved in an intimate relationship" (Source). 

  Then this definition of DV brings out more questions about our topic, such as: What is Intimacy?  What constitutes an intimate relationship?  Does it have to be sexual, in order to be intimate?  Or, can it be emotional only and still be intimate?  Some scholars might feel that one can be emotionally intimate with another person, without having sex.  Furthermore other people might define intimacy differently than that.

 This brings us back to the questions of:

1. How do we define Violence here?  Remember -- in relation to Domestic Violence -- Violence does not have to actually cause physical harm.  It does not have to be directly against another person -- It can be against yourself.  And the harm that it causes, does not have to happen right away.  And further,

2. Does Domestic Violence have to only happen between people who have had sex?  Or is Domestic Violence also possible between people who are emotionally close -- but have not had sex -- and may never have sex?

  Historically, in the Domestic Violence Treatment Community, the Duluth Model a.k.a. the Duluth Power and Control Wheel has been a very popular model for generally pinpointing the types of DV.  Basically, this model lists various behaviors that could be considered Violence; particularly in the context of an intimate relationship.

According to the Duluth Model website, The Power and Control Wheel was created In 1984, when the “staff at the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP) began developing curricula for groups of men who batter and victims of domestic violence.  The tactics chosen for the wheel were those that were most universally experienced by battered women”. 

“Whereas, The Equality Wheel was developed not to describe equality per se, but to describe the changes needed for men who batter to move from being abusive to (having a) non-violent partnership.  For example, the “emotional abuse” segment on the Power and Control Wheel is contrasted with the “respect” segment on the Equality Wheel.  So the wheels can be used together as a way to identify and explore abuse, then encourage non-violent change” (Source).

   It is safe to say that Many DV Offender Treatment Providers have been following this model for a very long time.  Yes.  And it's also important to note that this model has been adapted into many many different forms; such as a Wheel form this model that was adapted for Female Abusers.  

  According to the Power and Control Wheel, DV includes the following types of Violence:

• Physical and Sexual Violence (outer ring)
• Using Intimidation
• Using Emotional Abuse
• Using Isolation (Jealousy)
• Minimizing, Denying and Blaming
• Using Children (as a weapon against the other partner or Ex)
• Using Male Privilege (or Female Privilege)
• Using Economic Abuse
• Using Coercion and Threats

  And the Object for each of us is to get from there -- The Power and Control Wheel -- stuck in those DV-Type Behaviors; to the Equality Wheel, and the opposite types of behaviors; which reflect Equality, and include the list below. Think of this part as how to plan for a Year with Healthier Relationships.  Theoretically, rather than including the above Power and Control-type behaviors; Healthy relationships should include the following:

• Non-Violence
• Using Non-Threatening Behavior
• Using Respect
• Using Trust and Support
• Using Honesty and Accountability
• Using Responsible Parenting
• Using Shared Responsibility
• Using Economic Partnership
• Using Negotiation and Fairness

  This process can be Quite involved.  And it is important to remember that such changes can take longer than one might think.  This is a gradual process for most people.  Further, it is so, because we have to change the ways that we perceive things, the ways that we react, the ways that we feel about things, the ways that we think about things, and the ways that we behave.  This is why we have DV Offender Treatment.

Planning for a Domestic Violence-Free Year as well as Planning for Learning how to have Healthier Relationships: 

  So how do we go about the task of planning for a Domestic Violence-Free Year?  The First Step could be in getting our mind ready.  Hence, we might need to back-track a little bit.  

Think about the following questions:

• Name 3 things you lost as a result of this offense?
• Who else was impacted by this offense?
• What are some things they lost because of this offense?
• List 3 reasons to never again commit DV, or get charged with a DV Offense?
• List 3 reasons or benefits of having potentially healthy relationship?

  In moving forward from here, we also need to consider these questions:

• Identify our strengths that can help us move forward.  What are our strengths that could help us have healthier relationships?
• Identify our Risk Factors.  Ask yourself, What are my Risk Factors?  Risk Factors are those things that could get in the way of having a healthy relationship?  (One can find a list of Potential Risk Factors at this link; or at this link).
• What are some ways that we can Neutralize, Eliminate, Avoid, or Suspend our Risk Factors' ability to impact us or influence us to commit DV?

  Then after that, we need to make a plan.  Consider the following Questions:

• What are 2 Problems or Challenges that get in the way (or could get in the way) of our ability to be in Relationships or to LOVE without DV?
•   Problem 1 is: 
•   Problem 2 is: 

• For Each Problem or Challenge, we need to have its Goal:
•    What would be our Goal regarding Problem 1: 
•    What would be our Goal regarding Problem 2: 

•  Each needs a plan:
•     What would be our plan for solving Problem 1 – What steps would we need to take:
•     What would be our plan for solving Problem 2 – What steps would we need to take:

    Now, all we need to do is put this plan into practice, and move forward from there.  And we can start thinking about How Could We Learn How To Have Healthier Relationships?

*** CLICK HERE to complete your 

Planning for a Year Without Violence Worksheet.***

(Originally posted 12/28/2020)

Sources:

  https://www.who.int/violenceprevention/approach/definition/en/

  https://www.acesdv.org/domestic-violence-graphics/types-of-abuse/

https://www.shouselaw.com/co/defense/laws/domestic-violence/#:~:text=CRS%2018%2D6%2D800.3%20is,defines%20domestic%20violence%20(DV).&text=CRS%2018%2D6%2D800.3%20states,involved%20in%20an%20intimate%20relationship.

  https://www.gov.nl.ca/vpi/files/nine_types_of_violence.pdf

  https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/faqs-about-the-wheels/#:~:text=Why%20was%20the%20Power%20and,and%20victims%20of%20domestic%20violence.&text=The%20tactics%20chosen%20for%20the,universally%20experienced%20by%20battered%20women

  

  

"The Courage to Change the Things I Can" in order to Prevent Domestic Violence from Happening in my life... I am going to....

  Assumption: If I am here today because I got a Charge related to Domestic Violence; then perhaps it is because I have some sort a glitch in my thinking, my communications and/or perceptions when it comes to relationships.  But if this glitch adjusted properly; I might be a lot less likely to have Domestic Violence in my life.  Hence, it could be a great time to consider some sort of change in my life -- A change in the way I handle things such that I don't end up in a similar situation again.  

  Actress Comedian Carol Burnett once said, "Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me."

  One good question to ponder at this time could be: Am I up for making some sort of a change in my life and the way I conduct myself while in relationships?    

  If so, then what about making a Commitment to elimination of abusive behavior?

  Admittedly, sometimes, we just cannot see to stop abusive behavior from happening.  Other times, we know that we can.  But what if it is me who is doing the abusing?  Or even worse, what if it is me who is accused of doing the abusive behavior?

  What can I do?  Take accountability for it; Walk away; take a minute; Stop and think about it; Take nice deep breaths; Get some help; and/or Make a Change: 

  According to AI: "The likelihood of reoffending for a misdemeanor domestic violence offender is high, with studies showing rates as high as 53.5% within a certain timeframe. Several factors increase this risk, including a history of prior offenses (especially serious ones) and substance abuse.

  Other studies indicate that one-third to over half of domestic violence offenders may be re-arrested for a new crime, though not always a violent one. 

  "These are results for what is the likelihood that a misdemeanor domestic violence offender will reoffend?  

   What might be some of the Factors that increase the likelihood of reoffending:

Prior criminal history: Offenders with previous criminal convictions are significantly more likely to reoffend.

Severity of prior convictions: A more serious prior conviction increases the likelihood of a new conviction.

Substance abuse: Offenders who violate sobriety orders have a much higher likelihood of reoffending.

Age: Younger offenders have been found to have higher recidivism rates.

Number of prior arrests: The more an individual interacts with the criminal justice system, the more likely they are to have future contacts. 

 Other Important Considerations include:

Varying recidivism rates: Different studies report varying recidivism rates depending on the time period studied, the population, and the specific metrics used (e.g., new arrest vs. new conviction).

Type of offense: While some re-offenses are for violent crimes, others may be for less serious offenses, such as probation violations.

Effectiveness of (DV Treatment) programs: The effectiveness of common court-mandated batterer intervention programs in reducing recidivism is debated, as some research suggests they do not significantly reduce re-offense rates or change attitudes about violence, though this area is still being researched" (Source).

 The bottom line is that many of us need to be open to making positive changes in our lives in order to avoid committing more domestic violence against the people who we say that we love.

 

Speaking of Change:

  Realistically, what percentage of people who have done abusive behavior in their past are willing and capable of making such a change? 

  Serenity is often thought to be a combination of accepting the things that I cannot change, I would like to be able to have the serenity to do this: 

     - having the Courage to change the things that I can change, and 

     - having the Wisdom to know the difference between things I can change and things         that I cannot change. 

  Rhetorical Question: Which among these is the most important then -- Serenity, Courage, or Wisdom?  Or do we truly need all three of them?  They kind of work together to form one, though -- right?  If so, then we probably need all three.

  Now, think about a given relationship with potential for Domestic Violence; If having had a prior DV Event -- and/or a prior DV Charge is a Risk Factor, Can I change that Risk Factor?  Or is it permanent?  This is what is known as a Static Risk Factor, because one cannot change the past.   

  However, one probably can change whether or not the potential still exists.  Or perhaps another way to look at it, is that one can probably change how high one's Risk is for DV in the future.  For example, if alcohol is one's major Risk Factor, then one could possibly change his or her potential for DV by Drinking or Not Drinking Alcohol.

  What about making changes within a given relationship?  Could one make changes within the relationship that could possibly impact the future probability of having DV in that relationship?  Yes, possibly. However, it may require that both partners want to make a change.  

  However, if only one person needs to make the change, then it might only take one of the partners to make the changes.  But generally speaking, both partners might need to be involved in the change.  

  So what does it take to make these changes?   

• A Curiosity about what needs to be changed.  
• (Being willing to ask the question.)
• A Desire to make the change.
• Support to help one work through the change. 
• The Knowledge and Skills needed to get through the change.
• The Right Tools for the Change (i.e., Help from others, patience, commitment, and perhaps even courage...).

  In some cases, courage could be the main ingredient needed to make the right change.  But what makes Courage.  What is Courage Made of: 

  Well, Audre Lorde was known to have said, "When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid" (From Inspiring Quotes by Women). 

  Sounds like Changes might require courage, wisdom and commitment.

  So what does Courage really have to do with it? 

• Courage makes it easier to get through the good and the bad.
• Courage helps one know when one needs help.
• Courage helps one ask for help.
• Courage helps one honestly consider and even accept some of the critical ideas of others.
• It takes Courage to really listen to one's self.
• It often takes Courage to know the difference between the things I can change and the things I cannot change.
• It may take courage to change the things that I can change.  
• It could take courage to make the necessary and desired changes that will help one move forward; rather than backwards.
• It may take serenity to Accept things I cannot change.
• And it probably takes wisdom to know the difference between the things that I can change and the things I cannot change.

  

Things that one might have the Courage to change could be related to:

• Quitting alcohol or drug use.
• How one handles their anger.
• One's attitude.
• One's peer group.
• How one thinks about certain things.
• How one reacts to certain things.
• How one feels about certain things.
• One's level of accountability.
• The degree to which one tries to blame others for their own problems and their own regrettable decisions and behaviors.
• One's behavior.  The courage to change how I act.
• What one does or does not do.

Think about it: What might each type of Courage below look like as one considers making the Changes that one could make in order to prevent any DV-type thinking, DV-type Feeling or DV-type Behavior in the future?

• Physical Courage
• Social Courage
• Moral Courage
• Emotional Courage
• Intellectual Courage
• Spiritual Courage

Discussion Questions: 

Question #1: In what was has your sense of Courage helped you make changes that have helped you recover from having Domestic Violence in your life?

Question #2: What is one enormous Change that you feel like if you could make it -- it would go a long way towards helping you never again have any Domestic Violence in your life as a victim?

Question #3: What is one enormous Change that you feel like if you could make it -- it would go a long way towards helping you never again have any Domestic Violence in your life as a perpetrator?

My Personal Mission Statement is for Prevention of Domestic Violence in my Life

  Regardless of what happened or how it happened, if I was named in the Court Case, then I was probably involved.  

  And now, I am choosing to never again be involved in Domestic violence...  NEVER AGAIN!!!  So how might I do that?  

  Could it be that perhaps I need a Personal Mission Statement?

  In order to plan for this, we need to take a good look at our own values.  Our values tend to project our thoughts, our feelings, our desires, our needs, our beliefs, our past, and our shortcomings among other things.  Many of us carry our values around like billboards so that everyone can see them.

  Some folks get Morals and Values confused.  And “While morals may feel like they are usually imposed from the outside, values are inherent and personal in character” (Study.com).  So for the purpose of this discussion here today, Values and Morals are essentially the same.

  So here are some questions for us to ponder:

  What are our values?  

  How do our values impact our lives?  

  How do your values impact the lives of others?

  What is My Mission Statement?   

  Great Questions!  Well, Our Missions in life tend to be based on our Values.  We usually gotta believe in something before we really want to make it happen bad enough that we will develop the drive to actually make it happen.

   First, It might help to know what a Mission Statement is. It can sometimes be challenging to tease out our Mission from our Values and Goals.  In fact, our Goals and our Mission can sometimes be intertwined.   So let's check out a few popular Mission Statements.  For example:

 Even McDonald's has a Mission Statement!  For example: McDonald’s says, “Our mission is to make delicious feel-good moments easy for everyone.  This is how we uniquely feed and foster communities” (McDonald’s).

Martin Luther King “refused to allow prison, violence or the threat of death sway his end mission. Instead, he stood beside his goal of achieving rights for all through nonviolent protests. Dr. King maintained a vision for a more diverse America where all people enjoyed the benefits of equality” (The National Civil Rights Museum).

“The goal of the Grateful Dead was to provide a high quality experience with high quality music. They wanted to play great music for people who were really into music. There were choices they could have made along the way that, while more profitable, would have meant abandoning their true goal”  (Anne Grady Group).

And “The Red Cross, born of a desire to bring assistance without discrimination to the wounded on the battlefield, endeavors—in its international and national capacity— to prevent and alleviate human suffering wherever it may be found. Its purpose is to protect life and health and to ensure respect for the human being”  (The American Red Cross). 

  Types of Values might include: Personal Values, Professional Values, Social Values, National Values, Religious Values....

  In this particular case, it is important now to know that for each one of us involved in DV Offender Treatment: "My Personal Mission Statement is for me to be able to Prevent any more Domestic Violence in my Life." 

  Let's see if we Can we agree on to the following:  

  Whereas, according to the Courts, I have had some Domestic Violence in my Life.  This problem may have created costs for others and for myself including costs related to: Time, Money, Trust, Emotional or Physical Trauma, Stress, Pain, Mental challenges and numerous other resources.  

  Therefore, I have decided I no longer want DV in my life.  In order to make that Mission come true, I need a Mission Statement 

 "A meaningful personal mission statement contains these basic elements. 

1. The first thing to think about is what I want to do?  –  "What I want to accomplish?  What contributions do I want to make and to whom?... to what?"  And finally, "What do I hope to get out of it?"

2. The second is: "What do I want to be?"  Like...  How do I want to be viewed or perceived by others when my Mission is done?  –  And what character strengths do I have to help me accomplish this?   Also, What qualities do I want to develop during this process.  How do I want to grow?" 

3. Thirdly, I need to keep in mind that an effective Personal Mission Statement must also be doable for me.  

  In order to create a good Personal Mission Statement: I have to be honest with myself; I have to be Flexible; willing to listen to others who mean well; and I have to be strong.  I need to have Positive Energy in my life.  In order to create more positive energy in my life, I may need to develop more skills related to being more patient.  I may need more of a positive outlook, more tact, and more of a sense of good will.  I need to do good in my life.  And I also need as much Mindfulness as I can get.  I can do this.  First, I will have to be committed to making the correct decisions, as well as correcting my errors, and then following up by doing the right thing(s).

  So I need some important Tools: I will need to know myself, including what I need, what I want, what I like, how I love, my feelings, my anger, my respect for everyone, my boundaries, my morals, my resistance, all of my wisdom -- all the energy that I can muster, my courage, and my needs in a relationship, etc...   and I also need to know that which I want.  Finally, I need to be aware of the things and situations that I simply cannot tolerate.  

  Furthermore.  I also need to know what I am capable of; and what I am not capable of.  I need some reliable ways of knowing when things are truly good; as well as ways of knowing when things are not good; along with many other things.

And Finally: 

  In order for me to Prevent DV from happening in my life; I will need to recognize the warning signs -- the Red Flags!  

  I have to be able to Manifest and Promote a Lifestyle that can accommodate healthy relationships as well as one that is without Violence of any kind.

Knowledge Building Questions: 

  “It's time to start building On My Individual Values in order to create My Personal Mission Statement for Domestic Violence Prevention”.  First I need to know the following:

Question: “What are some of my Personal Values as they relate to Relationships and Prevention of DV?"

Question: “What is my Mission in Life as it relates to Relationships and Prevention of Domestic Violence?”

Question: “How might my Values and / or my Mission in Life help me to Prevent Domestic Violence in my future relationships?”

  And this is how I am going to do it.  I am going to Feel, Think, Love, Listen to my Heart, be Honorable, I will Plan, Act, Respect others, command Respect for myself, Re-Assess, and go for it again... 

*** Please Click Here to Complete your 

Personal Mission Statement To Prevent DV *** 

Using The Control Log Process In Order to Prevent Domestic Violence

  When we are at Risk of Domestic Violence happening, we sometimes need a tool that we can enlist to help prevent things from escalating.  And we usually need it Right Away!!!  There's no time to lose in such situations...  

  It seems perhaps that the Most Effective Emergency tools for prevention of Domestic Violence could be -- for example: 

1. Taking Time Outs; 

2. Doing a Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely Exercise;

3. Communication for Healthy Relationships -- In a Crisis, this might be mostly Sitting Down, Calmly, and Listening Respectfully until the heat is gone; 

4. Effectively using supports, or reaching out to our Social Support Networks, our Families, Close Friends, Therapists, Probation Officers -- or even call a Support Hotline, or some other person who will listen who can help you navigate this situation; and 

5. Going through the Control Log Process?

 Why A Control Log?  Well Why Not?

  Part of the problem with Domestic Violence is that it often comes out of our attempts to control people, situations and things that we either cannot or should not be trying to control in the first place...  I just get more frustrated when I do this.  But this often brings more problems for everyone involved.  And it doesn't solve anything.  Also at some times, we don't even realize that we are doing this -- trying to control someone or something.

 One of the Best Tools for Understanding and Preventing DV can be the Control Log Process.  Basically, the Control Log Process can be used in two (or more) different ways: 

1. To document abuse that is happening to you -- For example: This is how that person was trying to control me...  or in Analyzing the other person's behaviors to get a glimpse of what is really happening at the time; and / or

2. The other way to use a Control Log is as a Process Instrument that helps us to explore and to better understand the situations that we are in; and how our apparent desire and / or our need to control things and / or the other people involved in our lives manifests and then eventually causes problems for us and for others -- like How did I get into this mess in the first place? and / or

3. A Control Log can help with identification, understanding and management of self-destructive or other-destructive impulses. 

  For example, many of us might find ourselves going through the following questions as we try to sort things out.  Imagine you are in the middle of a crisis and that you really feel a need to do something.  But perhaps, the smartest thing you could do right now would be to sit down alone, relax, drink a glass of water, and ponder some of the questions below:  

 --- Why is it that I feel I really need to have control right now?  Am I afraid of something? If so, what am I afraid of?  And keep in mind that Fear is often a strong motivator for violence.  Have you ever gotten to a point where you realized the only thing you can really do at that time is just give it up for the moment, sit down, and try to relax for a few minutes.

 --- It's one thing if I need more self-control so that I don't hurt anyone else.  But it's another thing if I just want to control the situation or to control someone else in order to get something that I want.

 --- What am I trying to control in the first place?  In some cases, I might just be trying to control my self... or my temper... or trying to end the pain and anguish that I'm in.  This might be okay.

 --- But, what is so powerful about this situation that makes me so frustrated?  Could it be that I'm feeling either out of control my self, or that I'm bothered by my lack of ability to control other people?

 --- What is it about me that has to take control and then to feel that I have to make this change happen in THIS PARTICULAR WAY… Right Now?  

 --- How might this change bring me relief anyway?  Is this really the solution?

 --- Surely, we need to have control over ourselves, Right?  

 --- But do we really need to control other people or situations?  In the case of small children or others that would otherwise be in immediate danger, it could be different though.  

 --- Perhaps, sometimes, I should try to only control my own part of a given situation.  Because I can't expect my self to be able to control the others in this situation, can I?  And this goes double in cases where I still can't even control my self.

 --- Is it not hard enough for me to just control my self then?  Quite possibly.

 --- So then, why do I want to control other people and situations involving others?  Now that's a good question!

 --- When I am trying to control someone else do I ever ask my self the following questions: What is it that is so important that it Must happen Right Now… -- even at the risk of interfering in someone else's life???  

 --- Or Why Must I control this Right Now...?  Do I really think I can control this?  If not, then why on Earth would I put everything at risk to try and control this?

 --- Our sense of Urgency and Frustration often comes out of us wanting something to get fixed right away.. even though it’s not likely to happen that way at all.

--- So Why can’t I just take some time – and Relax and Be Patient?…  Great Idea!  Work on my patience Right Now; instead of trying  to force a change that requires someone else to make a decision.

--- Then, perhaps, I will be ready to reasonably Consider what I’m doing or what I am about to do.... right?  And then I could try again... next time with more patience, more flexibility, and more empathy for the other people involved.  And then I could finally let go of trying to control others?

  So, Why not just take a Time Out Right Now???  Otherwise, the police might make me take a Time Out?  And that wouldn't be any fun, now would it?

 --- In the first place, why do I feel like I need to take a Time Out?  (This is where I should start finding lots of good reasons for taking a Time out.... Right Now!!!)

 --- Ok... so when I was taking my Time Out for instance… What was it that I found that apparently just had to happen or not to happen that created this level of frustration in the first place?  

  And then while I was on my Time Out, I learned that there are several things I could do to take care of my self, including: Relaxation exercises; Reaching out to supportive and helpful others; Developing more awareness about what exactly is going on with me -- and of course, a great tool for this might be to complete a Control Log Process.  

What is a Control Log?

  A Control Log is largely about the simple -- albeit extremely helpful -- task of separating the things that I can change from the things that I cannot change.

  The Control Log helps us take a closer look at what is going on with us around the situation that involves other people.  And it also might possibly help us generate insights about ways to do things that could yield much more positive results.  

  Rather than doing things that might hurt other people or might get us into trouble; a Control Log Process can help us prevent trouble instead.  After all, who really needs more trouble?

  And Remember, The Control Log can help us get a grip on what's going on Right Now.  And that can also be really helpful.

  So, What does a Control Log Look Like?  Or am I too controlling, in assuming that a Control Log actually looks like anything in particular?  After all, a Control Log is mostly just a thinking exercise... that we do in our minds or on paper.  Kind of like Mindfulness, in a way...  But it's more focused directly on preventing violence.

One Version of a CONTROL LOG could Include the following Items:

  For Example: Something possibly bad is happening in my life, and my alarm bells are going off...  I might be feeling angry, defeated, hurt, insecure, jealous, I might even feel put down or belittled or even disrespected and abandoned.  Or I might just be scared.  So where does that leave me....???  Probably a pretty empty place.  

  I am finding my self at a place where the most important thing becomes me being able to control my self -- and no one else...    

  But unfortunately I have already done or said something that I will probably regret.  So what can I do now?  

>>> Questions about the following -- for me to ask my self:  

Start Right Here with Your Control Log Process:

• >>> >>> Who is actually Involved in this situation -- who are the stakeholders here?  

• >>> >>> What is the Problem as I see it - on the face of it - right now at this time?  What is it?  What's the big deal?

• >>> >>> Actions: Describe the actions that I would use to either try and control the                          situation; or to try and control or change something about my partner?

• >>> >>> Intentions: What am I intending to happen at this time?  What do I really want (or need) to happen at this time?  What am I trying to make happen?  Who am I really doing this for?

• >>> >>> Beliefs: What beliefs do I have that helped me generate my Intentions which led to my possible Actions right now -- which could lead to my Regrets and / or my Rationalizations and / or my false Justifications about what is about to happen?  What am I believing -- at this time -- that I seem to be trying and use to justify my actions?  And Why am I believing that?  Could it be that I believe that I need to; and / or have a Right to control my partner or someone else?  Or do I just think I have a Right to get my way?

• >>> >>> Feelings: What feelings am I having at this time?  What am I feeling?  Am I feeling insecure?  Am I feeling frustrated, angry, empty, defeated, fed-up, or even just afraid?  So, why can't I just stop right here and go down a different path...???  I wish I could!  An Avenue that could help me to better deal with the way that I am feeling?  And also an Avenue where using substances or violence is not the answer?  Because Note This: At times, tragically it seems Substances and Violence are used to quench our most intense feelings.

• >>> >>> Minimization, Denial and Blame:  Can I just go ahead now and admit that These are My actions???  And these are My feelings?!?!?!  (Truly other people might have been involved -- and were even there at that time.  But my actions are My actions, correct?  I made My choices and now I have to live with the consequences.  And I really can't blame the victim for my own desperation, now can I?  So In what ways am I minimizing, denying or totally underestimating the possible impact of my actions?  And why was I trying to blame my actions on someone else?  Was I trying to blame the victim because the Victim wasn't doing what I wanted her or him to do at that time?  Or was I trying to be a martyr?  Was I hoping someone might feel sorry for me?  What good would that do anyway?

• >>> >>> Effects: #1. What was / or could be the Impact of my actions on me?

• >>> >>> Effects: #2. What was / or could be the Impact of my actions on my Partner or on the Victim?

• >>> >>> Effects: #3. What was / or could be the Impact of my actions on the other people around me, such as my kids, or other innocent by-standers; or even the Police?

• >>> >>> Past Violence:  #1. What was / or could be the Impact of my past experiences with violence on me and what I did here?  How has my past influenced what is happening now?  For example, if I have some Trauma, how did that impact what I did here?

• >>> >>> Past Violence:  #2. What was / or could be the Impact of my past violent actions against my partner or my victim?  If I had hurt my partner before, what was this event like for her or him?

• >>> >>> Possible Solutions, Non-Controlling Behaviors and Preventive Strategies: What are some examples of non-Controlling Behaviors that I could have used instead of what I did this time?  How might I have solved or prevented this situation from happening in the first place?  (Hint: I could have focused on controlling Only Myself.  And then I could have Looked for possible win-win solutions [And remember, it's not a "Win" for your partner unless your partner feels like it is a win).  

• Think about it: "What was the Problem as I saw it -- on the face of it -- right at that time?"  
•   And now consider What are some examples of non-Controlling and non-Violent and non-Intrusive Behaviors that I could have used instead of what I did?

• Now, think for just a few minutes more. Consider the fact that the Control Log Process is largely just a Thought Process.  It's a way of thinking...... in advance of our behaviors.  It can be a very helpful way of thinking.  It's just a few steps in our Thought Process that can save us lots of trouble.

• So Remember, the Basic Control Log Steps include: 
1. Getting Real about what is going on and what I think I want or need to happen Right Now;
2. Consider my Actions, my Intentions, my Beliefs, and my Feelings; 
3. Ask yourself: Am I taking Accountability for my Actions here, or am I trying to minimize, deny and blame what I am doing on someone else?  And most of all, Am I really being Me here?  Am I being my genuine self?  Or am I just going through the motions again?
4. What are the Effects and Impacts (or possible Effects and Impacts) of my prospective Actions on myself and on others -- especially the ones that I say that I love?;
5. How does my Past Violence play a role here; 
6. And Finally, How could I possibly do this differently that would include Non-Violence, Prevention and Solutions instead of what happened before?

• Now: How might it have helped this situation if I had completed a Control Log Process -- or at least went through these Control Log steps (above) in my head before taking any further action?  I might have averted the crisis all together.  

• And remember: It's important to know that Nobody's perfect.  But having a plan and some skills such as the Control Log Process can really make a heck of a difference in a difficult situation.  The ultimate goal of a Control Log is to help me realize that if I am doing pretty good i might even be perhaps lucky enough to be able to control myself;  I might be able to realize and accept that I really have no reason to try and control anyone else...

*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete your CONTROL LOG Worksheet! ***

Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.

*** Also, please Click Here complete your Session Feedback Form for today's Session.

And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.       

 

* Please Click Here to Work on Another Treatment Plan. *

 You may Click HERE for a Refresher on Taking Time Outs.

*** Please Click Here to Complete the 

Attached Time Out Anecdote Worksheet. 

and

Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Discussion Questions about the Control Log Process:

1. Can you please describe a situation where doing a control log might have helped you?

2. If you were handling such a situation now, what might you do?

Sources: 

• Richie Cole, Ph.D., LMFT, of Radical Counseling & Consultation  (Possibly formerly of the Domestic Abuse Center).
• Rules for Taking Time Outs According to Dr. Daniel Sonkin.
• Info about Control Logs may be found in "Education Groups For Men Who Batter, The Duluth Model"; Pence & Paymar, 1993, Springer Publishing Company, Inc.
• Control Log: http://nomsintranet.org.uk/roh/official-documents/Domestic%20Abuse%20Workbook%20final.pdf
• Morran, D. and Wilson, M. (1997). Men who are Violent to Women; A Groupwork Practice Manual. Russell House, Dorset.
• Road-Mapping Situations.
• For Info Regarding Parental Alienation, Click Here.

(Originally Posted April 5, 2021)

(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic     and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

The Holidays can be a Great Time to Move Forward: Planning for a Nourishing and SAFE Holiday

  This is a time of year when many Americans and others celebrate Winter Solstice, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Boxing Day.  And others who celebrate Christmas might say "Merry Christmas" in different ways, such as the Navajo saying: “Yá'át'ééh Késhmish” Merry Christmas in the Navajo Language."  Or others say, "Nittak Hullo Chito Na Yukpa (Merry Christmas) from. Chief Batton and the Choctaw Nation!"  And Latinos say, "Feliz Navidad!"

  Personally, I focus mainly on Christmas because this is a tradition that I understand more than I do others. 

  I know from my personal experience that along with Giving, Sharing, Blessing, Gratefulness, and the Joy and Celebration of Christmas, Forgiveness can also be a true Blessing of Christmas.  The Holidays can also be a time of huge Stress, Unpleasant Surprises and Disappointment.  All of these (the good and the bad) can cause STRESS.  And STRESS often leaves us open to negative thinking and problematic behaviors.

  On the other hand: for many, the Holidays bring mixed emotions.  With Holidays often comes feelings like Joy, happiness... and yes.. homecomings and forgiveness.

  ""We know based on research that violence and abuse rates go up in times of tension and stress and holidays happen to be a lot of financial stress," said Lizzy Kennedy, Communication Outreach Coordinator at Shelterhouse in Midland."

  "Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. ... Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses" (Source).

  I would guess that most of us have something or someone to forgive.  Likewise, we each have probably also been wronged in one way or another at some point(s) in our lives.  Furthermore, we each have probably also done someone else wrong in our lives.  It is sad to think of all the energy that gets tied up in resentment for the wrongs that have been done to people over the ages.  

  It's like, if we could all just take a break from the anger and the resentment for a while; perhaps some of the violence would also cease.

  Unfortunately Domestic Violence does not take a Holiday.  And some even say that it gets worse during the Holidays.  

  For example: One person recently posted on the Internet in an article titled, "Domestic Violence and the Holidays: What You Should Know":

  "On the night before Thanksgiving 2020, 9-1-1 dispatchers in Albuquerque got a call regarding an unresponsive woman. When the ambulance arrived, Nicole was pronounced dead at the scene, with suspicious marks on her neck and face that denoted beating and strangulation. Her boyfriend, Francisco, who had made the call to 9-1-1, was arrested for murder and tampering with evidence.

  Unfortunately, this true story is all too common, especially in Albuquerque. Women often experience domestic abuse or violence on or around major holidays, including Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, and even Super Bowl Sunday. Many victims are unable to escape, in spite of the holidays being a time of family reunions, warm conversations, and generosity.

  According to statistics, domestic abuse increases over the holidays, for a number of possible reasons:

•   Stress from holiday shopping, finances, and planning can aggravate volatile personalities.
•   Abusers are more likely to partake of alcohol or drugs when they don’t have to work.  And when people drink too much alcohol this can often lead to violence.
•   Simple opportunity: Abusers are more likely to be home alone with their victims than at other times of the year" (Source).

  Hence it almost goes without saying that people should be extra careful during the Holidays to have a Happy and Safe Holiday -- and that goes for potential abusers and potential victims of Domestic Violence as well.  

So What About The Holidays and Forgiveness: A Potentially Overlooked Blessing of Christmas?

  Forgiveness is a Virtue that is frequently offered and given in Christianity. 

  And also, the Eighth Night of Hanukkah is about Forgiveness for some people.  “Forgiveness is important in Judaism and is a duty, or a mitzvah that Jews should try their best to obey. Teachings on forgiveness can (also) be found in the Torah” (Source).

  Additionally, as a Christian, Dr. Martin Luther King expressed how he believed in Forgiveness.  

– “Despite Doctor King’s several arrests and detention, he drew strength from the power of love, forgiveness and non-violence.  He said: “Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act.”  It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship.  He further said that forgiveness is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning, and we are free from the mental block that impedes new relationships.  Forgiveness means reconciliation, a coming together again. Without this, no man (or woman) can love his (or her) enemies.  The degree to which we are able to forgive determines the degree to which we are able to love our enemies."

"These prophetic expressions of Doctor King's still reverberate as inspiration to oppressed people all over the world” (Source).

  Also, in a post on "Practicing Forgiveness", another author shared that this time of year provides an excellent opportunity for Forgiveness.  They write: “Forgive them – not for them, but for you” (Source).  In other words, give yourself the gift of Forgiveness, by forgiving either your self or someone else this Holiday Season.

  This idea seems also to fit with the notions about forgiveness that Dr. King shared, because it is believed by Christians that Jesus taught about how loving your enemies can be good for you.  And how Forgiveness can help bring about a Renewal of sorts.  

  Christmas and these other holidays can be about renewal as well.  However, many people in other traditions also believe that "renewal" requires a letting go of the past -- just for a little while, if not forever.  

  These Holidays (and others) can be about letting go of the pain from the past.  It's about recognizing the need to move on.  It's also about realizing that you have the power to choose to move beyond the negative, and possibly into the positive.  It's about not letting the ugliness of things that happened before to color your day today.  It's about overcoming that fear of moving forward.  And it's about living for today.  And finally, it's about recognizing that being here now; is a blessing in and of itself.  And its also about finding a sense of gratitude for your blessings -- no matter how small or seemingly insignificant they are.

  As one author wrote, and as is believed by many: "Christmas means Hope, Love and Peace" (Source).  

  Therefore, this part of the Christmas / Hanukkah / Kwanzaa Spirit can be about Love, Hope, Peace, and all that those things bring, such as Celebration, Gratitude, Forgiveness, Looking Forward, and Moving Forward as well.  

  However, this is not about any particular Religion.  This about letting go and moving forward for your own piece of mind.

  A lot of people think that in order to Forgive, one has to contact someone else; or that one has to do something or spend money or go out of their way....  But Forgiveness does not require any of that.  Remember Forgiveness does not require anything other than a willingness to let go of certain awful feelings about something or someone that negatively effected you in the past.  Forgiveness is Free and it also doesn't require that you actually do anything physical or social.  All you need do is look inside your heart and if you look deep enough, you will probably find it there.

  Forgiveness doesn't mean that bad things did not happen in your past.  It means that you are no longer willing to let those horrible feelings hold you back.  It's not always easy.  But its doable.  And in many ways, believe me....  it can be worth it.

  It's about recognizing that even if you don't have the emotional or financial resources to make Christmas what some think it should be; it is important to recognize that Celebrating, Gratitude, Forgiveness, Looking Forward, Creativity and Moving Forward are each available to us -- all of us, FREE OF CHARGE!  And that such thoughts and feelings can bring about wonderful gifts.

Discussion Questions:

• What does this time of year mean to me?

• What do I celebrate at this time of year?

• What or who are some things or people that I am most Grateful for at this time?

• What/Who are some people or things that I feel I can Forgive at this time?

• What things / thoughts / behaviors do I feel that I can Put Behind me at this time?

• In What ways do I feel that I am Looking Forward at this time?

Why a Safety Plan?

   Safety planning is relevant because the Holidays are here, stress is bound to increase (Distress as well as Eustress).  It is important that each of us has an idea of things I can do and people I can reach out to and resources I can use if needed -- just in case I start to get  stressed out during this time.  Hence, I ask myself the following questions:

• The Safety Plan begins with a commitment to do the Right Thing as needed.  Am I committed?

• Are there people I might see or think about during the Holidays that might present certain challenges for me?

• What will I do if I find myself around or with anyone who is totally negative, or who is using or abusing drugs or alcohol this Holiday Season?

• If I feel down or lonely or as if I might act out, or if I want or need someone to talk to, or if I feel like I am vulnerable to taking a drink or using drugs, I will contact the following supports?

• If I become tempted in any way to use abuse, violence, or substances during this Holiday Season, I will instead do the following?

              *** Please CLICK HERE to Complete 

                      your Holiday Safety Plan! ***

(Originally Posted: 12/21/2020)

Sources: 

https://womenagainstcrime.com/domestic-violence-and-the-holidays-what-you-should-know/

https://discoverlivingalive.com/practice-forgiveness/

https://onbeing.org/blog/postcards-for-hanukkah-the-eighth-night-forgiveness/

https://blogs.shu.edu/diplomacyresearch/2013/12/31/martin-luther-king-jr/#:~:text=MLK%20said%3A%20%E2%80%9CForgiveness%20does%20not,a%20barrier%20to%20the%20relationship.&text=%5B11%5DForgiveness%20means%20reconciliation%2C,man%20can%20love%20his%20enemies.