When we are at Risk of Domestic Violence happening, we sometimes need a tool that we can enlist to help prevent things from escalating. And we usually need it Right Away!!! There's no time to lose in such situations...
1. Taking Time Outs;
2. Doing a Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely Exercise;
3. Communication for Healthy Relationships -- In a Crisis, this might be mostly Sitting Down, Calmly, and Listening Respectfully until the heat is gone;
4. Effectively using supports, or reaching out to our Social Support Networks, our Families, Close Friends, Therapists, Probation Officers -- or even call a Support Hotline, or some other person who will listen who can help you navigate this situation; and
5. Going through the Control Log Process?
Why A Control Log? Well Why Not?
Part of the problem with Domestic Violence is that it often comes out of our attempts to control people, situations and things that we either cannot or should not be trying to control in the first place... I just get more frustrated when I do this. But this often brings more problems for everyone involved. And it doesn't solve anything. Also at some times, we don't even realize that we are doing this -- trying to control someone or something.
One of the Best Tools for Understanding and Preventing DV can be the Control Log Process. Basically, the Control Log Process can be used in two (or more) different ways:
1. To document abuse that is happening to you -- For example: This is how that person was trying to control me... or in Analyzing the other person's behaviors to get a glimpse of what is really happening at the time; and / or
2. The other way to use a Control Log is as a Process Instrument that helps us to explore and to better understand the situations that we are in; and how our apparent desire and / or our need to control things and / or the other people involved in our lives manifests and then eventually causes problems for us and for others -- like How did I get into this mess in the first place? and / or
3. A Control Log can help with identification, understanding and management of self-destructive or other-destructive impulses.
For example, many of us might find ourselves going through the following questions as we try to sort things out. Imagine you are in the middle of a crisis and that you really feel a need to do something. But perhaps, the smartest thing you could do right now would be to sit down alone, relax, drink a glass of water, and ponder some of the questions below:
--- Why is it that I feel I really need to have control right now? Am I afraid of something? If so, what am I afraid of? And keep in mind that Fear is often a strong motivator for violence. Have you ever gotten to a point where you realized the only thing you can really do at that time is just give it up for the moment, sit down, and try to relax for a few minutes.
--- It's one thing if I need more self-control so that I don't hurt anyone else. But it's another thing if I just want to control the situation or to control someone else in order to get something that I want.
--- What am I trying to control in the first place? In some cases, I might just be trying to control my self... or my temper... or trying to end the pain and anguish that I'm in. This might be okay.
--- But, what is so powerful about this situation that makes me so frustrated? Could it be that I'm feeling either out of control my self, or that I'm bothered by my lack of ability to control other people?
--- What is it about me that has to take control and then to feel that I have to make this change happen in THIS PARTICULAR WAY… Right Now?
--- How might this change bring me relief anyway? Is this really the solution?
--- Surely, we need to have control over ourselves, Right?
--- But do we really need to control other people or situations? In the case of small children or others that would otherwise be in immediate danger, it could be different though.
--- Perhaps, sometimes, I should try to only control my own part of a given situation. Because I can't expect my self to be able to control the others in this situation, can I? And this goes double in cases where I still can't even control my self.
--- Is it not hard enough for me to just control my self then? Quite possibly.
--- So then, why do I want to control other people and situations involving others? Now that's a good question!
--- When I am trying to control someone else do I ever ask my self the following questions: What is it that is so important that it Must happen Right Now… -- even at the risk of interfering in someone else's life???
--- Or Why Must I control this Right Now...? Do I really think I can control this? If not, then why on Earth would I put everything at risk to try and control this?
--- Our sense of Urgency and Frustration often comes out of us wanting something to get fixed right away.. even though it’s not likely to happen that way at all.
--- So Why can’t I just take some time – and Relax and Be Patient?… Great Idea! Work on my patience Right Now; instead of trying to force a change that requires someone else to make a decision.
--- Then, perhaps, I will be ready to reasonably Consider what I’m doing or what I am about to do.... right? And then I could try again... next time with more patience, more flexibility, and more empathy for the other people involved. And then I could finally let go of trying to control others?
So, Why not just take a Time Out Right Now??? Otherwise, the police might make me take a Time Out? And that wouldn't be any fun, now would it?
--- In the first place, why do I feel like I need to take a Time Out? (This is where I should start finding lots of good reasons for taking a Time out.... Right Now!!!)
--- Ok... so when I was taking my Time Out for instance… What was it that I found that apparently just had to happen or not to happen that created this level of frustration in the first place?
And then while I was on my Time Out, I learned that there are several things I could do to take care of my self, including: Relaxation exercises; Reaching out to supportive and helpful others; Developing more awareness about what exactly is going on with me -- and of course, a great tool for this might be to complete a Control Log Process.
What is a Control Log?
A Control Log is largely about the simple -- albeit extremely helpful -- task of separating the things that I can change from the things that I cannot change.
The Control Log helps us take a closer look at what is going on with us around the situation that involves other people. And it also might possibly help us generate insights about ways to do things that could yield much more positive results.
Rather than doing things that might hurt other people or might get us into trouble; a Control Log Process can help us prevent trouble instead. After all, who really needs more trouble?
And Remember, The Control Log can help us get a grip on what's going on Right Now. And that can also be really helpful.
One Version of a CONTROL LOG could Include the following Items:
For Example: Something possibly bad is happening in my life, and my alarm bells are going off... I might be feeling angry, defeated, hurt, insecure, jealous, I might even feel put down or belittled or even disrespected and abandoned. Or I might just be scared. So where does that leave me....??? Probably a pretty empty place.
I am finding my self at a place where the most important thing becomes me being able to control my self -- and no one else...
But unfortunately I have already done or said something that I will probably regret. So what can I do now?
>>> Questions about the following -- for me to ask my self:
Start Right Here with Your Control Log Process:
- >>> >>> Who is actually Involved in this situation -- who are the stakeholders here?
- >>> >>> What is the Problem as I see it - on the face of it - right now at this time? What is it? What's the big deal?
- >>> >>> Actions: Describe the actions that I would use to either try and control the situation; or to try and control or change something about my partner?
- >>> >>> Intentions: What am I intending to happen at this time? What do I really want (or need) to happen at this time? What am I trying to make happen? Who am I really doing this for?
- >>> >>> Beliefs: What beliefs do I have that helped me generate my Intentions which led to my possible Actions right now -- which could lead to my Regrets and / or my Rationalizations and / or my false Justifications about what is about to happen? What am I believing -- at this time -- that I seem to be trying and use to justify my actions? And Why am I believing that? Could it be that I believe that I need to; and / or have a Right to control my partner or someone else? Or do I just think I have a Right to get my way?
- >>> >>> Feelings: What feelings am I having at this time? What am I feeling? Am I feeling insecure? Am I feeling frustrated, angry, empty, defeated, fed-up, or even just afraid? So, why can't I just stop right here and go down a different path...??? I wish I could! An Avenue that could help me to better deal with the way that I am feeling? And also an Avenue where using substances or violence is not the answer? Because Note This: At times, tragically it seems Substances and Violence are used to quench our most intense feelings.
- >>> >>> Minimization, Denial and Blame: Can I just go ahead now and admit that These are My actions??? And these are My feelings?!?!?! (Truly other people might have been involved -- and were even there at that time. But my actions are My actions, correct? I made My choices and now I have to live with the consequences. And I really can't blame the victim for my own desperation, now can I? So In what ways am I minimizing, denying or totally underestimating the possible impact of my actions? And why was I trying to blame my actions on someone else? Was I trying to blame the victim because the Victim wasn't doing what I wanted her or him to do at that time? Or was I trying to be a martyr? Was I hoping someone might feel sorry for me? What good would that do anyway?
- >>> >>> Effects: #1. What was / or could be the Impact of my actions on me?
- >>> >>> Effects: #2. What was / or could be the Impact of my actions on my Partner or on the Victim?
- >>> >>> Effects: #3. What was / or could be the Impact of my actions on the other people around me, such as my kids, or other innocent by-standers; or even the Police?
- >>> >>> Past Violence: #1. What was / or could be the Impact of my past experiences with violence on me and what I did here? How has my past influenced what is happening now? For example, if I have some Trauma, how did that impact what I did here?
- >>> >>> Past Violence: #2. What was / or could be the Impact of my past violent actions against my partner or my victim? If I had hurt my partner before, what was this event like for her or him?
- >>> >>> Possible Solutions, Non-Controlling Behaviors and Preventive Strategies: What are some examples of non-Controlling Behaviors that I could have used instead of what I did this time? How might I have solved or prevented this situation from happening in the first place? (Hint: I could have focused on controlling Only Myself. And then I could have Looked for possible win-win solutions [And remember, it's not a "Win" for your partner unless your partner feels like it is a win).
- Think about it: "What was the Problem as I saw it -- on the face of it -- right at that time?"
- And now consider What are some examples of non-Controlling and non-Violent and non-Intrusive Behaviors that I could have used instead of what I did?
- Now, think for just a few minutes more. Consider the fact that the Control Log Process is largely just a Thought Process. It's a way of thinking...... in advance of our behaviors. It can be a very helpful way of thinking. It's just a few steps in our Thought Process that can save us lots of trouble.
- So Remember, the Basic Control Log Steps include:
- Getting Real about what is going on and what I think I want or need to happen Right Now;
- Consider my Actions, my Intentions, my Beliefs, and my Feelings;
- Ask yourself: Am I taking Accountability for my Actions here, or am I trying to minimize, deny and blame what I am doing on someone else? And most of all, Am I really being Me here? Am I being my genuine self? Or am I just going through the motions again?
- What are the Effects and Impacts (or possible Effects and Impacts) of my prospective Actions on myself and on others -- especially the ones that I say that I love?;
- How does my Past Violence play a role here;
- And Finally, How could I possibly do this differently that would include Non-Violence, Prevention and Solutions instead of what happened before?
- Now: How might it have helped this situation if I had completed a Control Log Process -- or at least went through these Control Log steps (above) in my head before taking any further action? I might have averted the crisis all together.
- And remember: It's important to know that Nobody's perfect. But having a plan and some skills such as the Control Log Process can really make a heck of a difference in a difficult situation. The ultimate goal of a Control Log is to help me realize that if I am doing pretty good i might even be perhaps lucky enough to be able to control myself; I might be able to realize and accept that I really have no reason to try and control anyone else...
*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete your CONTROL LOG Worksheet! ***
and
- Richie Cole, Ph.D., LMFT, of Radical Counseling & Consultation (Possibly formerly of the Domestic Abuse Center).
- Rules for Taking Time Outs According to Dr. Daniel Sonkin.
- Info about Control Logs may be found in "Education Groups For Men Who Batter, The Duluth Model"; Pence & Paymar, 1993, Springer Publishing Company, Inc.
- Control Log: http://nomsintranet.org.uk/roh/official-documents/Domestic%20Abuse%20Workbook%20final.pdf
- Morran, D. and Wilson, M. (1997). Men who are Violent to Women; A Groupwork Practice Manual. Russell House, Dorset.
- Road-Mapping Situations.
- For Info Regarding Parental Alienation, Click Here.
(Originally Posted April 5, 2021)
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