*** UPCOMING TRINIDAD & WALSENBURG SURVIVOR EMPATHY PANEL *** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT for ALL TRINIDAD & WALSENBURG DV Treatment Participants !!!

 *** UPCOMING Trinidad & Walsenburg SURVIVOR EMPATHY PANEL for ALL Walsenburg & Trinidad DV Treatment Participants !!!

*** Important Information REQUIRED for ALL Walsenburg & Trinidad DV Tx Participants *** 

(For Wednesday, July 24th, 2024 and 5:30p.m. -- Save the DATE!!!)

DV SURVIVOR EMPATHY PANEL REFERRAL 

  IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR ATTENDEES 

Schedule available online at Intervention - SAVE (int-cjs.org) or call 303-902-8344. 

• Probation/Parole/Diversion Department referred clients will receive verification of attendance.  

• The fee is $50.00 payable upon entrance to the panel. MONEY ORDER ONLY! 

• Photo ID and your probation officer’s business card are required to attend.  

• Case Number:     

    Probation/Parole/Diversion Officer:      

• Space is limited due to fire codes, and it is a first come first served policy. 

• There is absolutely no late admittance.  

    Registration begins at 5:30pm and the panel starts at 6:00pm.  

    Program is approximately 60-90 minutes long. 

• Alcohol or illegal drug use is prohibited.  If use or possession is suspected you will not be allowed to attend, and your probation/parole/diversion officer will be notified. 

• No children or guests of attendees are allowed.  No tobacco use is allowed.  

• Attendees must sign a confidentiality agreement.  No recording is allowed. 

• Security may be present during the program.  Any disruptions will result in immediate expulsion and your probation/parole/diversion officer/treatment provider will be notified. 

• There is a fee of $25.00 for a replacement attendance verification form. 

• Please bring this form with you to the panel. 

• PANEL DATE and LOCATION: 

  Wednesday, July 24th at 5:30 

TRINIDAD COMMUNITY CENTER CONFERENCE ROOM

1309 BESHOAR AVENUE, Trinidad, CO 81082, Colorado

Exploring Our Motivations For Violence

* THIS IS A DRAFT.  PLEASE DO NOT PRINT, COPY OR DISTRIBUTE WITHPUT PERMISSION. *

Violence comes in many forms: Physical, Verbal, Psychological, Emotional, Biological, Digital, Economic, Social, Emotional, Psychological, Indirect or Direct.

What Motivates a Person to act Violently: 

  Triggers, Fear, Anger, Pride, Ego, Our Surroundings or Circumstances, Jealousy, Envy, Bad Manners, Gangs, Revenge, To Build Confidence, and even Curiosity, Paranoia, Intoxication, To Further one's cause, Intimidation (Using violence to intimidate), Arguing in bad faith, or shutting the Internet Off / aka/ When one one's communication ability is cut off.

Two of the DVOMB's Core Competencies Related to This are:

F. Reduce patterns of control and power behaviors, beliefs and attitudes of entitlement

1. Recognize core beliefs

2. Identify specific forms of abuse and control

3. Demonstrate equality and respect in personal relationships

What are My Core Beliefs:

"“Core beliefs are the underlying ideas we hold about ourselves, others and the world. These ideas develop during childhood as you begin to use your relationships with caregivers and your own experience to interpret the world around you. From this learning and interpretation, you develop specific thoughts and rules that allow you to get your needs met.

 While in many cases these beliefs can be helpful, there are times when they can cause negative emotions. For example, it is has been suggested that those individuals who experience  symptoms of depression are more likely to have core beliefs that tell them that they are helpless and/or unlovable (McQuaid & Carmona, 2004). Those with anxiety are more likely to have beliefs that suggest that the world is an unsafe place. If you find that you are suffering from symptoms of depression and/or anxiety then it can be very helpful to examine what your core beliefs may be.

Identifying Core Beliefs

The first step in identifying problematic core beliefs is to first learn to identify those thoughts that are bouncing around in your head every day. We refer to these thoughts as automatic thoughts because they simply arise and pop into our heads without conscious thought.  (Source, Rowan Center).”"

So What are my Automatic Thoughts -- given a certain situation: 

  You get dropped off all the sudden in "Boys Town" .. out side of Nuevo Progresso, Tamaulipas, Mexico.. 

    What's you first thought / Automatic Thought: 

        Fearful, Not to get out of hand, Keep Calm... be respectful and have fun....  

  What are your automatic thoughts if you are at home on a Saturday night... and your wife is not home yet.. she said she was going out with friends.. and it's 3 a.m. at this point:

  What are your automatic thoughts:

       She's hiding something....   She's with someone else.. Going out and seeing somebody.. 

       Why do we automatically think this....???

   = = = = = = = =  = ********************** = = = = = = = = = = 

This week, we are looking at a different Competency: 

K. Understanding, identifying and managing our own pattern of violence

1. Acknowledge past/present violent/controlling/abusive behavior

2. Exploring our Motivation(s) for Violence

3. Understanding learned violence/explain to others

4. Stops violence before it happens (Preventing Violence).

  Just on the face of it, many might agree that Violence is often inspired by any of the following:

• Fear
• Upsetness / When someone is feeling down -- enough to hurt self or others or an object
• Stress
• Obsession
• Betrayal
• Disappointment
• Abandonment
• PTSD
• Shock
• Drugs / Intoxication
• Mental Health
• An act of any Congress
• Codependency
• Bad Relationships -- "You can take violence from your home out into the streets..."
• A sense of entitlement

Understanding LEARNED VIOLENCE:

  Where do we learn Violence:

• From Home / Violent Homes / Past Trauma / Foster Care / Group Homes / Gangs / TV / Movies / Music Lyrics / Pop Culture / Video Games / Police Officers / The News (War), Social Medical, The Bible, Some Religions

Alpha Dog... -- 

  To me, the most important parts of the above are what I would call the Roots of our Violence.  When I think about the Roots, I think about words such as:

Our Values, How we believe and Morals

Entitlement

Core Beliefs

Motivations for Violence (Are a Trigger and a Motivation the same?)

Understanding learned violence (Learned by observation, experience, and/or being subjected to it).

Preventing Violence

A deeper... Look: What is Abuse in the context of family relationships... ?

  We expect our kids to love us, want to be around us, to be loyal to the family, to respect us and to obey us..

  But what if they don't do some of that?  (This could cause lots of problems).

How do you "Put them in Check"?   (Punishment vs. Induction).   Induction / Alpha Dog... 

 Whereas other parents help change their child's ways with love.

  Therefore have a choice don't they???  Unfortunately some parents choose to abuse...

   

So what Motivates Violence....???  

  Motivators of Violence:  Fear, Anxiety, Ignorance, Stress, Frustration, Disappointment, Shock, Hate, Tragedy, Depression, Intoxication, Fear of Loss, Jealousy/Insecurity, Feeling unsafe, Being accused, Panic.

What are My Core Beliefs:  

  My Philosophy of Life -- While some people believe in Helping People, others believe in Teaching People, Still others believe in Controlling people, Some people even believe in ignoring people.   Each person gets to choose.  

   -- What I believe why I believe it... what's right and what's wrong... 

  My Morals -- What we believe is right and wrong..  Like about being a partner.. What should a partner be? (Loving, caring, understanding, appreciating, accepting, trustworthy, honest, loyal, self-sufficient, independent, very communicative

  My Values -- What do we value --- Hopefully our values support our morals and lead to our sense of morality.  I value happiness, honesty, having a lot of love in a relationship, trust, faithfulness, gratefulness, appreciation, humble, forgiving, 

  My Theory of behavior Management.  Induction...  Doing so without anger, yelling, hatefulness, stubbornness, no attitude, be sincere.

    +++++++++++++++

-------------------------------

But how do we get motivated To Do Violence?  

  We get set off, things accumulate over time, suppressing negative feelings, ...

  Some people just like doing violence.  Irritability.  

How do we get motivated to prevent violence?

  Mindfulness, consideration, understanding how to stop it, understanding the consequences of violence.  

  Realizing that if I don't change... I might lose important things and people...

  Being open to he possibilities.  

  Getting help when you need it.

  Having Faith can help.  Having Hope..

*** UPCOMING SAN LUIS VALLEY EMPATHY PANEL *** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT for ALL ALAMOSA & MONTE VISTA DV Treatment Participants !!!

*** IMPORTANT Information REQUIRED for 

ALL ALAMOSA & MONTE Vista DV Tx Participants *** 

(For Wednesday, August 14th -- Save the DATE!!!)

DV SURVIVOR EMPATHY PANEL REFERRAL 

   IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR ATTENDEES 

Schedule available online at Intervention - SAVE (int-cjs.org) or call 303-902-8344. 

• Probation/Parole/Diversion Department referred clients will receive verification of attendance.  

• The fee is $50.00 payable upon entrance to the panel. MONEY ORDER ONLY! 

• Photo ID and your probation officer’s business card are required to attend.  

• Case Number:     

    Probation/Parole/Diversion Officer:      

• Space is limited due to fire codes, and it is a first come first served policy. 

• There is absolutely no late admittance.  

    Registration begins at 5:30pm and the panel starts at 6:00pm.  

    Program is approximately 60-90 minutes long. 

• Alcohol or illegal drug use is prohibited.  If use or possession is suspected you will not be allowed to attend, and your probation/parole/diversion officer will be notified. 

• No children or guests of attendees are allowed.  No tobacco use is allowed.  

• Attendees must sign a confidentiality agreement.  No recording is allowed. 

• Security may be present during the program.  Any disruptions will result in immediate expulsion and your probation/parole/diversion officer/treatment provider will be notified. 

• There is a fee of $25.00 for a replacement attendance verification form. 

• Please bring this form with you to the panel. 

• PANEL DATE and LOCATION: 

  Wednesday August 14, 2024 

  San Luis Valley Behavioral  Health Group 

  8745 County Road South Alamosa, Colorado

Reducing My Patterns of Control and Power Behaviors, Beliefs and Attitudes of Entitlement

Under Core Competency Item "F", it talks about Reducing My Patterns of Control and Power Behaviors: What does a Pattern of Control-Type Behaviors look like?  

  When people get into trouble for DV, it is very common to find that there was a pattern of Power and Control in place for one of both partners.  

  A lot of times, the people involved cannot see the pattern.  They focus on one or two elements and fail to take in the patterns throughout whole system.

What do Patterns look like?

  Perhaps it looks like a young woman trying to get her boyfriend to stop using addictive drugs.  (She has good and pure intentions), but it sometimes seems as though it might be impossible for her to accomplish such a task.  Still she tries this and tries that -- just like she did with herEx.

  Or Perhaps it looks like a guy telling his girlfriend to quit her job because he's jealous of some guy that works where she works.  Sometimes we can cannot see the big picture; or truly comprehend what we are looking at because we cannot see the whole forest due to the patterns in the trees.

  At times, we cannot see clearly because we are hyper-focused on that one thing that we are trying to control.  Sometimes we believe something because we are only looking at one part of it; rather than studying the whole thing before coming to a conclusion.

  What do Beliefs and / or behaviors that lead to Control-Type Behaviors look like?   

  -- Narcissistism

  -- Gaslighting

  -- Toxicity

  -- A misplaced need to Take Control over situations.  (Like thinking you are always supposed to be in charge.)

  -- Psychotic Delusional Beliefs with Sociopathic Thinking and Behaviors.

 Another task here is Reducing my Beliefs and Attitudes of Entitlement that contribute to my Patterns of Control and Power.  The assumption is that when I want to use power and control over something, I am entitled to do so.

  Am I really entitled to do so in all of these situations... ?  I if was, I might not have gotten arrested.

  And What do Attitudes of Entitlement look like?

  -- Conceit

  -- Privilege

  -- Rudeness

  -- Opinionated

  -- Greed.

  -- Over-Confident

In the process of better understanding our feelings of entitlement:

 We will be Recognizing our core beliefs that lead us into trouble in Relationships (Note: These core beliefs are not necessarily valid though they have been very popular at times).

Core Beliefs such as:

Some people believe in Male Superiority (Might makes Right);  Some actually believe that they have the Right to Control one's Partner, such as who they talk to; who their Friends are; Where they go and when and with whom they go.

Some people believe in Female Inferiority -- Whereas, the woman has to be led around like billi-goat by the man.  And the Man makes all the big decisions.  Further, the Man decides what is a big decision.

                  

 We will be Identifying specific forms or methods of control and power such as:

            Physical dominance.

            Exercising Entitlement

  Male Privilege.

            Economic Oppression.

  Ongoing impoverishment of women.

                 

 and We will be Demonstrating equality and respect in personal relationships.  What does that look like  in practice?  

 Joint Problem-Solving (Both saying what happens with the money.  And/or both working.

 Consensus- Building Agreement rather than Competing to be the Right one.

 Supporting and Valuing of Differences.

           Having Good, Healthy, Clear Communication that makes a positive difference even in negative situations. 

 

Patterns:

What does a Pattern of Control Behaviors look like? 

Perhaps it looks like a continuous thought-driven behavior process that is aimed at exerting control. 

What does a Pattern of Power Behaviors look like? 

A series of behaviors aimed at maintaining a sense of Power.

                    Can we make Progress in Life and Love without trying to Dominate people around us?

For example: Can a young man and a young woman successfully grow their healthy relationship, when one is trying to tell her who she can have as Friends on Facebook.

Unfortunately, Power often destroys more than it enables.

What is a Pattern?

Patterns happen in a step-by-step sequence of events that may or may or may not be repetitive.

Patterns tend to start somewhere and end somewhere and often repeat over and over again. 

Patterns often have a purpose, a goal or a series of steps, and objectives and can lead to a projected outcome.

 

A Pattern might look like this: 

At first I was happy to be with someone.

          Then I started becoming afraid that I was gonna lose her.  And I started tripping on her. 

And now, for some odd reason, I believe that I am entitled to control who may partner talks to, shares time with, makes Friends with across Social Media, who she eats with, who she sleeps with, and even who she dreams about at night.

Would this sort of Pattern lead a Relationship down a Healthy Path? 

Another way of looking at Patterns in Relationships -- From start to finish -- a Pattern of Control and Power Behaviors, Beliefs and Attitudes of Entitlement.  In other words, What are the steps that typically happen when I am using Power and Control Behaviors in my relationship?  Here is an example.  See if you can relate to this (although at times, at times it might seem rediculous)?

  This Might be Called "A Pattern of Delusion."

Step 1 might be:  I Wake up in a bad mood.

Step 2 might be:  I am Thinking about something she or he said about a dream they had last night.

Step 3 might be:  And Now I'm in bad mood.  I Was up half the night at the STRIP CLUB.

Step 4 might be:  I feel guilty so I Upped the ante...

Step 5 might be:  I decide to break up with her because she won't tell me who she dreamt about last night...

Step 6 might be:  She says, "OK.... No Problem."

Step 7 might be:  So now I am convinced she's cheating...   That's proof, right?

Step 8 might be:  I'm already 20 min. late for work and I tell her she has to move out because she cheated and I didn't..."

Step 9 might be: I know she cheated but I need proof, so when she's in the bathroom, I check out her phone.  I see a text from her Sancho, his name is Pat...  it said, "Hi, how are you today?... it's Pat."  So now I know really she's cheating..

Step 10 might be: Hence, I cannot go to work.  

Step 11 might be: I lose my job and I blame it on her.  I blame it on her cheating...

Step 12 might be: So she just laughs and heads out to go find another place to life.  Meanwhile, I am now convinced that she's definitely cheating.

Step 13 might be: After a few months of hate, sadness, anger, offensiveness, and a lot more nights at strip club, I realize that she  was not cheating... because Pat happens to be her female cousin...   But it's too late now. 

  So where are the FLAWS in MY PATTERN of CONTROL and DELUSION (above)?

Questions for Thought and Discussion: 

What do Beliefs in Entitlement look like in REAL LIFE?  

What do Attitudes of Entitlement look like? 

What are my Patterns of Controlling Behaviors?

What are my Patterns of Power Behaviors? 

What are my Pattern of Entitlement?  

The Benefits of Accepting My Part of My Relationship Up To And Including My Domestic Violence Offense

The Potential Benefits of Accepting My Part of The Collapse of my Relationship Up To And Including My Domestic Violence Offense can be enormous.

  Think about it... Some benefits of getting honest with myself about things like this could lead to less stress, more clarity, I could sleep better, and perhaps other things too...  like I might find more peace at home and in my heart and mind too.

  In the beginning, a lot of DV Clients are in denial...  and they are angry, and sad, and scared, and they tend to blame most everyone else for their offense...   Such as their estranged partner, the cops, the judge, the DA or who ever else... When in fact, blaming just does not work -- it does not help.

  Think about it this way.

  What might be one thing gained from continuing to Blame other people for our DV Offense?  Anything?  I don't think so either...

  On the other hand, What might one gain from Accepting his or her part of his or her DV Offense?  More Clarity perhaps...  if nothing else.  And Clarity is a lot more than a lot of folks have.

The Pitfalls of Blame, Shame and Guilt

  So we should already know (hopefully) that if we are still blaming the other person for what we did, then we are still losing.

  And we should also already know that if we are still trying to convince our Ex- to be ashamed for what they did; then we are -- once again -- losing still...  because we are wasting our time and energy.  And we may even be alienating a good person in the meantime.

  Finally, if we are sitting here trying to convince ourselves, our Ex- or anyone else that instead of us; our Ex is the "guilty party", then we are definitely, heading for the junkyard again, right?.

  I could sit here and rationalize away my losses all day long... but all I am really doing is trying to make myself feel better.  Or perhaps, I am thinking that I seem to look better regarding the not-so-wonderful things I did and said.. and the poor decisions that I made.

  Feel better yet???  Probably not, right?  Me neither.

  It is normal after a heartbreak to just want it to be over and done with.  However, it is also pretty normal unfortunately to want to go back...  over and over again... no matter how dangerous things could be.  An ironic hypocrisy of sorts.

  We can always get some of what we lost back; but we can never get back the energy that we wasted or the time that we spent in the process of trying to change the outcome.

  Perhaps, this is where Responsibility and Accountability Come In.  Because some how we have to make up for what we just lost so that we can get moving again.

  Because taking responsibility is a good way to regain the power to move forward again.

  And perhaps because taking accountability is in a way an accounting or a reconciliation (not the social / emotional part -- such as a getting back together reconciliation); but rather, an accounting of or a reconciliation of our Gains and Losses; where we conduct a reconciliation of that which we have lost and are still losing or giving away; versus that which we gained or stand to gain. 

  Even in this current litigious environment -- where it seems everybody is suing somebody for hurting their feelings; one cannot squeeze blood out of an apple.

  One can really only acknowledge their regrets and their fears; then Count their Blessings, and move on up the road to the next Truck Stop, take a shower, fill her up, grab some coffee and move on.

  In the process... we will be accepting what we did...  Right?

  So Let's backtrack a little...

  Why Do We Avoid Accepting our Part of What We Did?  I own my own actions.  So why do I avoid it?  

  Could it be uncomfortable? Hello!  

  So why is it often seem like a good thing to do?  Well For One... it's a natural thing...  

  Besides, it's a great way to start improving your life...

• For some, it is to feel better.
• For some, it is to feel a sense vengeance.
• For some, it's a yearning for getting even.
• For many, it's just a distraction, isn't it...  It is a distraction from What is.
• What happens when we distract ourselves from what is?  
• Answer: Usually nothing good.
• Whereas, Being aware of What Is is probably one of the most difficult; AND one of the wisest things a human being can do.

So Why do we Hang On and Constantly Ruminate about Our Losses, the Personal Insults, the feelings of social disgrace and embarrassment, obsess over that?

• Well, For some it is just a way of life.
• For others, it just feels good.
• Still for others, it is simply impossible to let go of the pain an the anger.
• Others get contentment, if not JOY, out of attributing BLAME to their Ex.
• And then there are those that just get off on taking revenge.

So How do we Fix It?

• Try to Forget About It.  Walk away from it.
• Try to Distract Yourself.  (A lot of people use substances to do this -- That's Not Good).
• Try to Cover it up.
• Find new ways to cope with it; Reading, Exercising... Put up a wall.
• Work through it; DBT -- Take out your Emotional Baggage and throw it away.
• Actively Convert your negative energy into positive energy and reap the benefits through Mindfulness / Meditation / Prayer / Wholesome Activities.
• Or...  perhaps.... even Accept My Part of it and Move On in My Mind and Focus on Something or Someone else.  Like the Kids; or Giving Back...
• Move through it; instead of hiding from it.  More DBT.  And put it behind you.
• Find Serenity.  
• Learn to tell the difference between what you can change and what you cannot change.
• Focus on Accepting what you cannot change.  
• And then Focus on Changing what you can change.
• Try really hard to see What is REAL; versus what is NOT REAL.
• Learn from My own Mistakes and My own Poor Choices and then Move On with a Positive Attitude.  And accept my flaws.
• Cherish every minute. 
• Have Faith that tomorrow can be better than today.
• Right?  
• Other ideas?

So Check this out:

The CORE COMPETENCIES For DV Treatment, state the following:

  In order for a person to successfully complete DV Treatment they must do the following (among other things).

E. Accept full responsibility for actions

1. Disclose Hx of abuse

2. Stop denial and minimization

3. Increase self-disclosure over time

4. Accept responsibility for impact of abuse on others

5. Recognize abusive behavior as unacceptable

*** PLEASE CLICK HERE to Complete the 

Accepting My Part of My Relationship Worksheet *** 

c. 2024, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All Rights Reserved.  

This and all original contents on this Blog are Protected by Copyright.

Building On Individual Values And A Personal Mission Statement For Domestic Violence Prevention

What are Values?
"Values are the guiding principles of our lives. They are essential for positive human behavior and actions in our daily lives. They are formed on the basis of interests, choices, needs, desires and preferences. They have played important role in not only sociology, but also psychology, anthropology and related disciplines." (Source.)  Our Values are also possibly influenced by our Religious Beliefs and Experiences, our Education, our Career Paths, and our Social Groups, our Socio-Economic Status, our Teachers, our Mentors, our Culture, our Peers, our Friends, and our Families.

Values on an Individual Level

  "Our values concern those things we regard as having ultimate importance, significance, or worth. More abstractly, the term often refers to a set of principles, standards, or beliefs concerning these things of ultimate importance."

  "Typically there are many things that an individual values, and among these, some will be more highly valued than others. For this reason, philosophers have sometimes spoken of "value systems". The relative importance of these values often varies to some degree according to the prevailing circumstances of life, with those things valued which cannot readily be obtained taking on greater significance (and hence acquiring greater value), while those things which are readily available may be taken for granted (thereby becoming less valued)."  From: (Source) 

"What are Basic Human Values?

  Basic human values refer to those values which are at the core of being human. The values which are considered basic inherent values in humans include truth, honesty, loyalty, love, peace, etc. because they bring out the fundamental goodness of human beings and society at large. Further, since these values are unifying in nature and cut across individual’s social, cultural, religious and sectarian interests; they are also considered universal, timeless and eternal applying to all human beings."

"How are values different from norms?

  Values and norms are different. Norm refers to a relatively specific behavior as per social customs and (are often) is obligatory. On the other hand, values are matter of choice. For example, honesty cannot be a norm because it may not be chosen to be followed (by some). Further, once a particular value is internalized by an individual, it becomes a norm for him / her for making decisions, judgements, preferences and choices."

"How are values different from Morals?

  Morals are taught by the society to the individual while values can be cultivated from within. Morals act as motivation for leading a good life, while values act as intuition. Further, while morals are deep rooted, values may keep changing from time to time and as per needs."  (From GK Today)

HONOR and Values and DV.
  Consider these examples of Honor from a Dictionary, as well from the U.S. Army: "If you are called a man (or woman) of honor, you are respected. If someone honors you, they recognize and award you for your achievements. The term honor has always been a word used to describe men and women of high moral worth or great achievement. ... (Also), People graduate from college with honor, meaning they have outstanding grades." (Source: Vocabulary.com).

Why is Honor Important (In Relation to DV)?
  "Honor is a matter of carrying out, acting, and living the values of respect, duty, loyalty, selfless service, integrity and personal courage in everything you do, according to the Army. ... We give honor to the flag and to the ideals it represents and the symbolism it lends to the greatness of our nation." (From the Army "Code of Honor: Know It.  Embrace It.).   

  Paraphrased Translation for an example of preventing DV in a Relationship: We give honor to the Marriage or the Relationship and to the ideals it represents and the symbolism it lends to the fulfilment of our lives.  In other words, if I am acting abusively in my Relationship or my Marriage, then I am not honoring that Relationship or that Marriage.  Just like if I am abusive in my Family, then I am not Honoring my Family or it's members.

What are Virtues?  Virtues are that which we do in order to see that our values are realized.  This begs the question: What is a Virtuous Person?  A Virtuous Person is a person who tends to think and behave in ways that help maintain his or her personal Value System.

What is a Mission Statement?  Our Values are very important to the formation of our Personal Mission(s) in life.  According to the Oxford Dictionary, A Mission Statement is "a formal summary of the aims and values of a company, organization, or individual."

Your Personal Mission Statement: As an Individual, what are your Aims?  What are your Values?  What are your Virtues?  And how are you planning to put all of this into your Commitment to ending Domestic Violence, DV-type Thinking, DV-type Feeling, DV-type Believing, and DV-type Behaving in your life? 

What are your Basic Values?  

  In order to Prevent DV-Type Thinking, Feeling, Believing, or Behaving, it is probably best for one to have a good look at what his or her values are.

  Below is a list of basic Values.  In order to fully understand what we are doing here, it helps if you understand what each of these terms means.  If you need to, feel free to Google or otherwise look-up the term to get its meaning.  Or you may ask someone.

  The key is to figure out the following:  Which ones of these Values below (or other values) will best help you prevent DV in your life?

  What do these Values mean to you?  

  And which ones among them are Values with which you identify?  

  It is good to know this, because some Values that might help prevent DV include (but are not limited to the following):  

• Accountability
• Affection
• All human beings have worth as a person, and value
• Altruism
• Anger Awareness and Anger Management
• Healthy Argument
• Boundaries (And Respecting Boundaries)
• Brotherhood
• Charity
• Personal Choice & Self-Determination
• Committment 
• Clear Communication & Listening Skills
• Compassion
• Competence and Skills
• Compromise
• Creativity
• Critical Thinking
• Human Dignity -- Each person deserves Dignity
• Do Unto Others as you would Have them Do Unto You
• Education
• Effectiveness
• Efficiency
• Empathy
• Exclusivity, Being True to a Group
• Expediency
• Fairness
• Faith & Righteousness (Doing for the good of your beliefs)
• Family
• Fidelity / Truthfulness
• Financial Security
• Forgiveness, Apology & Humility
• Freedom as endowed by your Creator
• Freedom of Speech
• Freedom of Thought and Beliefs
• Friendship
• Gentleness
• Hard Work
• Health (Mental and Physical)       
• Healthy Child Development
• Hedonism
• Helpfulness
• Honesty
• Human Diversity -- Multiculturalism -- Awareness & Valuing of Differences
• Humanism
• Humanitarianism
• Utilitarianism
• Human Equality
• Humility
• Inclusion
• Independence
• Individuality
• Integrity -- Doing what is right especially when no one is looking
• Justice under the Law
• Kindness and Charity
• Liberty
• Logic
• Love
• Loyalty
• Mindfulness
• Moderation
• Mutual (Shared) Responsibility
• Negotiation
• Personal Non Violence / Non Violence: Ending Violence / World Peace
• Patience
• Peaceful Home Environment
• Physical Affection
• Power (Sharing Power)
• Prevention
• Pursuit of Happiness
• Relationships are more important than power, control, manipulation or dominance
• Relaxation
• Respect
• Responsibility
• Responsible Parenting
• Safety & Security
• Self Awareness
• Self-Worth
• Sharing
• Sisterhood
• Solitude
• Spirituality
• Sympathy
• Teamwork
• Thoughtfulness
• Trust
• Victory
• Vulnerability -- You be YOU.
• Wisdom (and Sharing Wisdom)

Final Question:  Which Values are most important to you.  Which Values will you use in order to create your Personal Mission Statement for having Violence-Free Relationships?

*** Please CLICK HERE to complete your 

Personal Values & 

Mission Statement worksheet. ***

and

Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

(Originally Published / Posted 9/28/2020.)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

BRIEF CORE COMPETENCIES CHECK-UP: Where Do I Think that I am in my DV Treatment???

 

Please go to this link and Complete the Worksheet that it leads to:  

  ???Brief CORE COMPETENCIES Check-Up???

Managing Conflict Effectively: And Prevention of Domestic Violence

DRAFT: PLEASE DO NOT PRINT OR COPY THIS POSTING.

Think about it; How Can One Effectively Manage a Conflict?

Topic: Effectively Managing Conflict

  Effective Conflict Management is about taking something that appears to be a total mess with dangerous potential; and somehow coming to a point with the others involved where what was a scary thing full of destructive potential; now appears to be an agreed upon mess.

  Learning how to NOT Poke the Bear.

  Think about it... What does it take to Manage Conflict Effectively?

  What does it take to Effectively Manage a Conflict?  Could it be behaviors like

  Timing?  Having Empathy?  Silence?  Taking the Temperature?  Listening Skills?  Active Listening Skills?  Walking Away?  Ignoring the Problem (sometimes)?  Speaking your Mind in the correct way?  Practicing Patience?  Humility?  De-escalation?  Communication?  Self-Awareness?  Tactfulness?  Keeping your eye on the GOOD goal?  Keeping your assumptions and your defensiveness in check?

  What works best for you? 

What is the Value of Effectively Managing Conflict?

  Another consideration is that Managing Conflict Effectively, can lead to Prevention of Domestic Violence ... which can in turn help prevent trauma and arrests.

  The first thing to manage is myself.

What might be some Skills and Tactics?

  Some really simple Conflict Management tactics might include: Practicing Self-Control, Having Patience, Regulating your own Emotions, Stopping yourself and thinking before you speak or act, Practicing Mindfulness, Doing some Self-Talk, Nicely Walking Away, Running Away if necessary, Looking for something Positive, Respect each other's Boundaries when in conflict, Pulling out your old Emergency DV Toolkit, Using your resources, and/or Having a fair witness present so things don't get out of hand.

What can a Conflict Gone Wrong Lead To?  

  Jail, Fighting, Separation and Divorce, Alienation, Hurting your Kids, Getting Hurt, Legal Issues, Traumatizing your pets or others, Destruction of Valuable Property, Eviction, and lots of other costs and liabilities.

What are Some Risk Factors that can Influence Conflict?

Someone's Emotions are a little out of control.  

Certain Substances -- Alcohol, Meth, Pills, Marijuana

Jealousy, When People don't really listen.

Certain Mental Disorders, Paranoia, Hypervigilance, Anger Problems.

Selective Hearing / NOT Listening, Sudden Negative or Positive Surprises, Invading Someone's Space, Intimidation, Arguments that are OUT OF CONTROL or Playing Power and Control Games and Trust Issues, past trauma, 

Anatomy of Conflict and Conflict Management

  “Conflict is the disagreement or difference of opinions between or among individuals that can be potentially harmful to any (person or) organization. In the workplace setting, it often involves personal agendas, insights, or goals versus the agendas, insights, or goals of the group or team.  Conflict management seeks to resolve the disagreement or conflict with positive outcomes that satisfy all individuals involved or is beneficial to the group. However, the perception of conflict is often negative" (Source).

  

Whereas: Conflict Management is:   A plan or course of action that is planned ahead of time -- and determined to lead into a positive direction (away from the Conflict).

"Conflict can, in fact, be positive if it is managed properly. Conflict can promote team-building skills, critical thinking, new ideas, and alternative resolutions. Conflict management is a crucial competency that leaders must possess, for the success of the team, group, unit, or employees they lead.[1][2][3][4]”  (Source).  And this goes for family too.  Families can benefit from effective conflict management.

What Might Be Some Possible Parts of Conflict Management

Understanding your Triggers and the Triggers  of others --  

Understanding Anger Types / Situational Anger vs. Deeply Held Anger, 

Understanding Argument Styles, 

Understanding Conflict Management, 

Understanding Conflict Styles, 

Understanding Violence Prevention,

Understanding Crisis management,

Understanding Solution Manifestation,

Understanding Debriefing. and finally,

Understanding Forgiveness.

 For example:  A lot of Conflict in Relationships simply boils down to a Disagreement and an Inability to Argue in a Healthy Way;

“What Kind of an Arguer are you in a Relationship?

There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship in which neither party picks a fight, ever. If that is the case, chances are both parties are avoiding the hard stuff, or not getting deep and vulnerable with one another to express how they really feel about a situation, a moment, or something that was said. We can tell a lot about ourselves and our romantic partners by the way we respond to inevitable conflict, so it’s a good idea to detect what your argument style is, and consider your partner’s, too.

 First of all, we don’t mean to point a finger at anyone for any particular argument style. These tactical responses are typically formed in childhood, either through how our parents treated us or how we witnessed them treat each other. However, being aware of your argument style can help you choose and evolve better tactics for dealing with conflict in the future. Here are the main styles to consider.

 Avoidant

If you tend to shut down, become quiet, or withdraw completely, you’re an Avoidant Arguer. The conflict itself makes you feel uneasy, so instead of working on solutions, you choose to exit the situation as much as possible. It’s OK to need space after someone has brought something less than glowing about you or their experience of you to light, but pulling away completely can make them feel like you don’t care. Try calmly (and lovingly, if you can muster it) asking them for some time to think before responding, so that you can withdraw in the heat of the moment and provide solutions for them later.

 Defender

If you feel constantly criticized every time your partner has an issue, you might be a Defender. You may feel like things are only OK when they are going perfectly smooth, and anytime someone has an issue, it makes you feel rejected, wrong about everything, stupid, or like a failure. It’s a default mode that only succeeds in making the other person feel unheard, unseen, and like their feelings are invalidated. Instead of making the moment about you and how you’re being made to feel like a failure, consider the hurt they are expressing to you and how you can see it from their side, explain how you don’t mean it to come off that way, and find a solution together.

 Attacker

You come in hot. You don’t passively beat around the bush, which is great at saving time and the headache of a guessing game, but it can also feel like a lot all at once, and immediately set your partner on the defensive. It often involves blatant blaming, a lot of “you” statements, and superlatives that don’t give much space for the other party; think words like “you always…” or “you never…” These phrases can feel really definitive and hopeless, while only relaying anger instead of the hurt you’re feeling. It’s an ineffective way to receive comfort or understanding from the party being attacked.

 Persistent

If you’re the one who can’t drop a subject, won’t give it a necessary pause, or continues to bring it up at the most inopportune moments, you may be a Persistent Arguer. When your partner or loved one needs some space, you call them repeatedly, drown them in text messages, or show up at their doorstep. You get anxious about leaving anything open for thought and have trouble leaving things on the table for a while to think. This ultimately makes the other person feel suffocated and attacked, and oftentimes uncared for as it may ignore their need for space. Take a moment to pause and do a calming activity that takes your mind off of the conflict so that you don’t become consumed by anxiety while the other person gets the space they need.

 Accommodator

If you’re someone who prefers to take the fall for something so that the argument can be over quicker, you are likely an Accommodator. You’re happy to agree with everything the other person says so that you can apologize and conclude the conflict. The issue here is that you may not be taking the time to really understand the issues, and are just shutting things down with feigned understanding. It may also give the other person too much power, believing that they are always right in every argument, and finding more reasons to be upset, enabling a cycle and unhealthy power dynamic. It’s great if you like to apologize and own your struggles, but take time to fully hear things, and don’t be afraid to share your perspective.”  (Source.)

 

 Argument Types:   8 Types of Arguments and their purpose (Source.) 

“Types of arguments: The following are the primary types of arguments used in daily life:

1. Causal argument

A causal argument is a type of argument used to persuade someone or a group of people that one thing has caused something else. This type of argument focuses on how something occurred and how a problem arose as a result of that occurrence.

This argument type is important because it helps people determine the reasons why certain things happen and to make clear the cause to ensure it doesn't happen again. For example, arguing why climate change is occurring allows individuals to explore potential causes and come to an agreement on those causes.

Related: The Parts of an Argument (With Definition and Examples)

 

2. Rebuttal argument

A rebuttal argument is centered on refuting an idea or belief that has been present up until this point in time. This type of argument often involves including why a particular idea or belief is flawed and how you feel it can be fixed or changed. Most rebuttal arguments include a statement of the counterargument, a statement regarding your position and how it's different from the counterargument and evidence to support your position.

Related: How To Craft Your Own Unfair Performance Review Rebuttal

 

3. Proposal argument

A proposal argument is one in which a person proposes a particular solution to a specific issue. This argument should include the establishment of a problem, the details of the proposal and reasons why the proposal is a good idea. For example, an employee may make a proposal argument that proposes a new way to increase customer retention rates.

Related: 26 Logical Fallacies and How To Spot Them

 

4. Evaluation argument

An evaluation argument is an argument that is used to evaluate whether a particular element is "good" or "bad." For this argument to work, those participating in the argument must first come to an agreement as to the criteria of "good" and "bad." For example, you may make a list of the most widely recognized standards or protocols for judging a particular issue.

 

5. Narrative argument

A narrative argument is an argument in which an individual states their case by telling a story that illustrates a point directly related to the argument. Unlike other arguments which rely solely on figures and facts, narrative arguments allow individuals to use a narrative to express their stance on a particular issue. For example, an employee may describe their experience with another company's customer service representatives to make a stance on a change the employee wants to make in their own company's customer service approach.

 

6. Toulmin argument

The Toulmin argument was developed by Stephen E. Toulmin and is an argument that is composed of six different parts: claim, grounds, warrant, qualifier, rebuttal and backing. In this argument, the claim is what the arguer wishes to prove; the grounds of the argument are the facts and evidence that support the claim; the warrant is what links the grounds to the claim; the backing is additional warrant support; the qualifier is used to show that the claim does not always apply to all situations and the rebuttal is acknowledging that there are other valid viewpoints for the claim.

 

7. Rogerian argument

A Rogerian argument is an argument used to determine the best possible solution to a particular issue based on the interests and needs of all parties involved. This type of argument is used to help those with opposing viewpoints reach a common ground by allowing them to look at a situation from a different perspective. In a Rogerian argument, both parties acknowledge the opposition and build trust by identifying each others' merit.

Related: What's the Importance of Critical Thinking in the Workplace?

 

8. Classical Western argument

A classical Western argument is used to persuade a group of people of the validity of an argument and/or reveal the truths that define or affect the argument. This is a basic type of persuasive argument and typically includes five different components: an introduction, narration, confirmation, refutation, and a conclusion.

Classical arguments are often used when an individual or group wants to be more aggressive or direct, or when someone wants to establish power with another individual or group. Many people who use the classical argument wrap up their conclusion by incorporating appeals to the audience's motivations, values and feelings to help them identify with the argument.”  (Source)

So, How do we settle Our Conflicts?

  When is a Conflict Settled?

  Is it once one party WINS?

   or

  Is it when we just agree to Disagree?

   or 

  Is it when one party just gives up and walks away?

   or

  Is it once both parties are Satisfied?  

Revisiting Various Possible Parts of Conflict Management

Understanding Triggers --  

Understanding Anger Types / Situational Anger vs. Deeply Held Anger, 

Understanding Argument Styles and Techniques, 

Understanding how I would define -- Conflict Management, 

Understanding My Conflict Styles, 

Understanding Violence Prevention,

Understanding Crisis management,

Understanding Solution Manifestation,

Understanding Debriefing, and finally,

Understanding Forgiveness.