The Benefits of Accepting My Part of My Relationship Up To And Including My Domestic Violence Offense

The Potential Benefits of Accepting My Part of The Collapse of my Relationship Up To And Including My Domestic Violence Offense can be enormous.

  Think about it... Some benefits of getting honest with myself about things like this could lead to less stress, more clarity, I could sleep better, and perhaps other things too...  like I might find more peace at home and in my heart and mind too.

  In the beginning, a lot of DV Clients are in denial...  and they are angry, and sad, and scared, and they tend to blame most everyone else for their offense...   Such as their estranged partner, the cops, the judge, the DA or who ever else... When in fact, blaming just does not work -- it does not help.

  Think about it this way.

  What might be one thing gained from continuing to Blame other people for our DV Offense?  Anything?  I don't think so either...

  On the other hand, What might one gain from Accepting his or her part of his or her DV Offense?  More Clarity perhaps...  if nothing else.  And Clarity is a lot more than a lot of folks have.

The Pitfalls of Blame, Shame and Guilt

  So we should already know (hopefully) that if we are still blaming the other person for what we did, then we are still losing.

  And we should also already know that if we are still trying to convince our Ex- to be ashamed for what they did; then we are -- once again -- losing still...  because we are wasting our time and energy.  And we may even be alienating a good person in the meantime.

  Finally, if we are sitting here trying to convince ourselves, our Ex- or anyone else that instead of us; our Ex is the "guilty party", then we are definitely, heading for the junkyard again, right?.

  I could sit here and rationalize away my losses all day long... but all I am really doing is trying to make myself feel better.  Or perhaps, I am thinking that I seem to look better regarding the not-so-wonderful things I did and said.. and the poor decisions that I made.

  Feel better yet???  Probably not, right?  Me neither.

  It is normal after a heartbreak to just want it to be over and done with.  However, it is also pretty normal unfortunately to want to go back...  over and over again... no matter how dangerous things could be.  An ironic hypocrisy of sorts.

  We can always get some of what we lost back; but we can never get back the energy that we wasted or the time that we spent in the process of trying to change the outcome.

  Perhaps, this is where Responsibility and Accountability Come In.  Because some how we have to make up for what we just lost so that we can get moving again.

  Because taking responsibility is a good way to regain the power to move forward again.

  And perhaps because taking accountability is in a way an accounting or a reconciliation (not the social / emotional part -- such as a getting back together reconciliation); but rather, an accounting of or a reconciliation of our Gains and Losses; where we conduct a reconciliation of that which we have lost and are still losing or giving away; versus that which we gained or stand to gain. 

  Even in this current litigious environment -- where it seems everybody is suing somebody for hurting their feelings; one cannot squeeze blood out of an apple.

  One can really only acknowledge their regrets and their fears; then Count their Blessings, and move on up the road to the next Truck Stop, take a shower, fill her up, grab some coffee and move on.

  In the process... we will be accepting what we did...  Right?

  So Let's backtrack a little...

  Why Do We Avoid Accepting our Part of What We Did?  I own my own actions.  So why do I avoid it?  

  Could it be uncomfortable? Hello!  

  So why is it often seem like a good thing to do?  Well For One... it's a natural thing...  

  Besides, it's a great way to start improving your life...

• For some, it is to feel better.
• For some, it is to feel a sense vengeance.
• For some, it's a yearning for getting even.
• For many, it's just a distraction, isn't it...  It is a distraction from What is.
• What happens when we distract ourselves from what is?  
• Answer: Usually nothing good.
• Whereas, Being aware of What Is is probably one of the most difficult; AND one of the wisest things a human being can do.

So Why do we Hang On and Constantly Ruminate about Our Losses, the Personal Insults, the feelings of social disgrace and embarrassment, obsess over that?

• Well, For some it is just a way of life.
• For others, it just feels good.
• Still for others, it is simply impossible to let go of the pain an the anger.
• Others get contentment, if not JOY, out of attributing BLAME to their Ex.
• And then there are those that just get off on taking revenge.

So How do we Fix It?

• Try to Forget About It.  Walk away from it.
• Try to Distract Yourself.  (A lot of people use substances to do this -- That's Not Good).
• Try to Cover it up.
• Find new ways to cope with it; Reading, Exercising... Put up a wall.
• Work through it; DBT -- Take out your Emotional Baggage and throw it away.
• Actively Convert your negative energy into positive energy and reap the benefits through Mindfulness / Meditation / Prayer / Wholesome Activities.
• Or...  perhaps.... even Accept My Part of it and Move On in My Mind and Focus on Something or Someone else.  Like the Kids; or Giving Back...
• Move through it; instead of hiding from it.  More DBT.  And put it behind you.
• Find Serenity.  
• Learn to tell the difference between what you can change and what you cannot change.
• Focus on Accepting what you cannot change.  
• And then Focus on Changing what you can change.
• Try really hard to see What is REAL; versus what is NOT REAL.
• Learn from My own Mistakes and My own Poor Choices and then Move On with a Positive Attitude.  And accept my flaws.
• Cherish every minute. 
• Have Faith that tomorrow can be better than today.
• Right?  
• Other ideas?

So Check this out:

The CORE COMPETENCIES For DV Treatment, state the following:

  In order for a person to successfully complete DV Treatment they must do the following (among other things).

E. Accept full responsibility for actions

1. Disclose Hx of abuse

2. Stop denial and minimization

3. Increase self-disclosure over time

4. Accept responsibility for impact of abuse on others

5. Recognize abusive behavior as unacceptable

*** PLEASE CLICK HERE to Complete the 

Accepting My Part of My Relationship Worksheet *** 

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