Managing Conflict Effectively: And Prevention of Domestic Violence

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Think about it; How Can One Effectively Manage a Conflict?

Topic: Effectively Managing Conflict

  Effective Conflict Management is about taking something that appears to be a total mess with dangerous potential; and somehow coming to a point with the others involved where what was a scary thing full of destructive potential; now appears to be an agreed upon mess.

  Learning how to NOT Poke the Bear.

  Think about it... What does it take to Manage Conflict Effectively?

  What does it take to Effectively Manage a Conflict?  Could it be behaviors like

  Timing?  Having Empathy?  Silence?  Taking the Temperature?  Listening Skills?  Active Listening Skills?  Walking Away?  Ignoring the Problem (sometimes)?  Speaking your Mind in the correct way?  Practicing Patience?  Humility?  De-escalation?  Communication?  Self-Awareness?  Tactfulness?  Keeping your eye on the GOOD goal?  Keeping your assumptions and your defensiveness in check?

  What works best for you? 

What is the Value of Effectively Managing Conflict?

  Another consideration is that Managing Conflict Effectively, can lead to Prevention of Domestic Violence ... which can in turn help prevent trauma and arrests.

  The first thing to manage is myself.

What might be some Skills and Tactics?

  Some really simple Conflict Management tactics might include: Practicing Self-Control, Having Patience, Regulating your own Emotions, Stopping yourself and thinking before you speak or act, Practicing Mindfulness, Doing some Self-Talk, Nicely Walking Away, Running Away if necessary, Looking for something Positive, Respect each other's Boundaries when in conflict, Pulling out your old Emergency DV Toolkit, Using your resources, and/or Having a fair witness present so things don't get out of hand.

What can a Conflict Gone Wrong Lead To?  

  Jail, Fighting, Separation and Divorce, Alienation, Hurting your Kids, Getting Hurt, Legal Issues, Traumatizing your pets or others, Destruction of Valuable Property, Eviction, and lots of other costs and liabilities.

What are Some Risk Factors that can Influence Conflict?

Someone's Emotions are a little out of control.  

Certain Substances -- Alcohol, Meth, Pills, Marijuana

Jealousy, When People don't really listen.

Certain Mental Disorders, Paranoia, Hypervigilance, Anger Problems.

Selective Hearing / NOT Listening, Sudden Negative or Positive Surprises, Invading Someone's Space, Intimidation, Arguments that are OUT OF CONTROL or Playing Power and Control Games and Trust Issues, past trauma, 

Anatomy of Conflict and Conflict Management

  “Conflict is the disagreement or difference of opinions between or among individuals that can be potentially harmful to any (person or) organization. In the workplace setting, it often involves personal agendas, insights, or goals versus the agendas, insights, or goals of the group or team.  Conflict management seeks to resolve the disagreement or conflict with positive outcomes that satisfy all individuals involved or is beneficial to the group. However, the perception of conflict is often negative" (Source).

  

Whereas: Conflict Management is:   A plan or course of action that is planned ahead of time -- and determined to lead into a positive direction (away from the Conflict).

"Conflict can, in fact, be positive if it is managed properly. Conflict can promote team-building skills, critical thinking, new ideas, and alternative resolutions. Conflict management is a crucial competency that leaders must possess, for the success of the team, group, unit, or employees they lead.[1][2][3][4]”  (Source).  And this goes for family too.  Families can benefit from effective conflict management.

What Might Be Some Possible Parts of Conflict Management

Understanding your Triggers and the Triggers  of others --  

Understanding Anger Types / Situational Anger vs. Deeply Held Anger, 

Understanding Argument Styles, 

Understanding Conflict Management, 

Understanding Conflict Styles, 

Understanding Violence Prevention,

Understanding Crisis management,

Understanding Solution Manifestation,

Understanding Debriefing. and finally,

Understanding Forgiveness.

 For example:  A lot of Conflict in Relationships simply boils down to a Disagreement and an Inability to Argue in a Healthy Way;

“What Kind of an Arguer are you in a Relationship?

There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship in which neither party picks a fight, ever. If that is the case, chances are both parties are avoiding the hard stuff, or not getting deep and vulnerable with one another to express how they really feel about a situation, a moment, or something that was said. We can tell a lot about ourselves and our romantic partners by the way we respond to inevitable conflict, so it’s a good idea to detect what your argument style is, and consider your partner’s, too.

 First of all, we don’t mean to point a finger at anyone for any particular argument style. These tactical responses are typically formed in childhood, either through how our parents treated us or how we witnessed them treat each other. However, being aware of your argument style can help you choose and evolve better tactics for dealing with conflict in the future. Here are the main styles to consider.

 Avoidant

If you tend to shut down, become quiet, or withdraw completely, you’re an Avoidant Arguer. The conflict itself makes you feel uneasy, so instead of working on solutions, you choose to exit the situation as much as possible. It’s OK to need space after someone has brought something less than glowing about you or their experience of you to light, but pulling away completely can make them feel like you don’t care. Try calmly (and lovingly, if you can muster it) asking them for some time to think before responding, so that you can withdraw in the heat of the moment and provide solutions for them later.

 Defender

If you feel constantly criticized every time your partner has an issue, you might be a Defender. You may feel like things are only OK when they are going perfectly smooth, and anytime someone has an issue, it makes you feel rejected, wrong about everything, stupid, or like a failure. It’s a default mode that only succeeds in making the other person feel unheard, unseen, and like their feelings are invalidated. Instead of making the moment about you and how you’re being made to feel like a failure, consider the hurt they are expressing to you and how you can see it from their side, explain how you don’t mean it to come off that way, and find a solution together.

 Attacker

You come in hot. You don’t passively beat around the bush, which is great at saving time and the headache of a guessing game, but it can also feel like a lot all at once, and immediately set your partner on the defensive. It often involves blatant blaming, a lot of “you” statements, and superlatives that don’t give much space for the other party; think words like “you always…” or “you never…” These phrases can feel really definitive and hopeless, while only relaying anger instead of the hurt you’re feeling. It’s an ineffective way to receive comfort or understanding from the party being attacked.

 Persistent

If you’re the one who can’t drop a subject, won’t give it a necessary pause, or continues to bring it up at the most inopportune moments, you may be a Persistent Arguer. When your partner or loved one needs some space, you call them repeatedly, drown them in text messages, or show up at their doorstep. You get anxious about leaving anything open for thought and have trouble leaving things on the table for a while to think. This ultimately makes the other person feel suffocated and attacked, and oftentimes uncared for as it may ignore their need for space. Take a moment to pause and do a calming activity that takes your mind off of the conflict so that you don’t become consumed by anxiety while the other person gets the space they need.

 Accommodator

If you’re someone who prefers to take the fall for something so that the argument can be over quicker, you are likely an Accommodator. You’re happy to agree with everything the other person says so that you can apologize and conclude the conflict. The issue here is that you may not be taking the time to really understand the issues, and are just shutting things down with feigned understanding. It may also give the other person too much power, believing that they are always right in every argument, and finding more reasons to be upset, enabling a cycle and unhealthy power dynamic. It’s great if you like to apologize and own your struggles, but take time to fully hear things, and don’t be afraid to share your perspective.”  (Source.)

 

 Argument Types:   8 Types of Arguments and their purpose (Source.) 

“Types of arguments: The following are the primary types of arguments used in daily life:

1. Causal argument

A causal argument is a type of argument used to persuade someone or a group of people that one thing has caused something else. This type of argument focuses on how something occurred and how a problem arose as a result of that occurrence.

This argument type is important because it helps people determine the reasons why certain things happen and to make clear the cause to ensure it doesn't happen again. For example, arguing why climate change is occurring allows individuals to explore potential causes and come to an agreement on those causes.

Related: The Parts of an Argument (With Definition and Examples)

 

2. Rebuttal argument

A rebuttal argument is centered on refuting an idea or belief that has been present up until this point in time. This type of argument often involves including why a particular idea or belief is flawed and how you feel it can be fixed or changed. Most rebuttal arguments include a statement of the counterargument, a statement regarding your position and how it's different from the counterargument and evidence to support your position.

Related: How To Craft Your Own Unfair Performance Review Rebuttal

 

3. Proposal argument

A proposal argument is one in which a person proposes a particular solution to a specific issue. This argument should include the establishment of a problem, the details of the proposal and reasons why the proposal is a good idea. For example, an employee may make a proposal argument that proposes a new way to increase customer retention rates.

Related: 26 Logical Fallacies and How To Spot Them

 

4. Evaluation argument

An evaluation argument is an argument that is used to evaluate whether a particular element is "good" or "bad." For this argument to work, those participating in the argument must first come to an agreement as to the criteria of "good" and "bad." For example, you may make a list of the most widely recognized standards or protocols for judging a particular issue.

 

5. Narrative argument

A narrative argument is an argument in which an individual states their case by telling a story that illustrates a point directly related to the argument. Unlike other arguments which rely solely on figures and facts, narrative arguments allow individuals to use a narrative to express their stance on a particular issue. For example, an employee may describe their experience with another company's customer service representatives to make a stance on a change the employee wants to make in their own company's customer service approach.

 

6. Toulmin argument

The Toulmin argument was developed by Stephen E. Toulmin and is an argument that is composed of six different parts: claim, grounds, warrant, qualifier, rebuttal and backing. In this argument, the claim is what the arguer wishes to prove; the grounds of the argument are the facts and evidence that support the claim; the warrant is what links the grounds to the claim; the backing is additional warrant support; the qualifier is used to show that the claim does not always apply to all situations and the rebuttal is acknowledging that there are other valid viewpoints for the claim.

 

7. Rogerian argument

A Rogerian argument is an argument used to determine the best possible solution to a particular issue based on the interests and needs of all parties involved. This type of argument is used to help those with opposing viewpoints reach a common ground by allowing them to look at a situation from a different perspective. In a Rogerian argument, both parties acknowledge the opposition and build trust by identifying each others' merit.

Related: What's the Importance of Critical Thinking in the Workplace?

 

8. Classical Western argument

A classical Western argument is used to persuade a group of people of the validity of an argument and/or reveal the truths that define or affect the argument. This is a basic type of persuasive argument and typically includes five different components: an introduction, narration, confirmation, refutation, and a conclusion.

Classical arguments are often used when an individual or group wants to be more aggressive or direct, or when someone wants to establish power with another individual or group. Many people who use the classical argument wrap up their conclusion by incorporating appeals to the audience's motivations, values and feelings to help them identify with the argument.”  (Source)

So, How do we settle Our Conflicts?

  When is a Conflict Settled?

  Is it once one party WINS?

   or

  Is it when we just agree to Disagree?

   or 

  Is it when one party just gives up and walks away?

   or

  Is it once both parties are Satisfied?  

Revisiting Various Possible Parts of Conflict Management

Understanding Triggers --  

Understanding Anger Types / Situational Anger vs. Deeply Held Anger, 

Understanding Argument Styles and Techniques, 

Understanding how I would define -- Conflict Management, 

Understanding My Conflict Styles, 

Understanding Violence Prevention,

Understanding Crisis management,

Understanding Solution Manifestation,

Understanding Debriefing, and finally,

Understanding Forgiveness.