The Domestic Violence Treatment Progress Assessment (or the D.V.T.P.A.): Great Practice for Successfully Completing DV Treatment

   There are some Important Questions that a person should be able to answer in a meaningful way when they are ready to Discharge from DV Treatment.

  This exercise is intended to help you figure out what else you need to know about in order to Complete DV Treatment.  Please Note: Studying and Completing the attached Worksheet does not mean that you are ready for Discharge.  More so, this is an Exercise to help You and Your Treatment Provider determine when you could be ready for Discharge.

  There are two Parts.  One part is the DV Treatment Progress Assessment (DVTPA).  This instrument helps You and Your Treatment Provider get an idea of Your Progress in Treatment.

  The second Part of this Process is the Aftercare Plan in which one assesses their current state of being in terms of Healthy Relationships and/or possibility of never again having Domestic Violence in his or her life.  Then one makes a plan for how they are going to remain free of DV in the future; as well as remain free of the negative effects of any potential Risk Factors in their lives.  

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE TREATMENT PROGRESS ASSESSMENT (DVTPA):

Some Treatment Progress Assessment Items are as follows:

POSSIBLE CHALLENGES To Successfully Completing DV Treatment: (Have you found that your Treatment Progress has been negatively impacted by any of these (or other) potential challenges?):

1. "Not Accountable with community supervision and treatment conditions
2. Using alcohol or illicit drugs
3. Not maintaining stable employment
4. Not maintaining stable living arrangements
5. Not Compliant with psychiatric and medical recommendations
6. Hostility
7. Stalking dynamics/obsession with the victim
8. Suicidal/Homicidal"

 

Competency Areas to Master.  (Think about these Competency Areas.  Where do you stand within the Context of your Treatment, and in terms of Your Treatment Progress?):     

  Keep in mind: Someone might believe that Mastering a competency here means he or she does not ever have to visit it again; or does not have anything else to learn about Healthy Relationships or Preventing DV.  But that's not necessarily true.  Because each new Relationship is going to be different -- Regardless of whether or not it's a Romantic Relationship.  A wise person will be revisiting and gaining new insights into ideas like this possibly for the rest of their life.

1.  "Actively participates in treatment.

2.  Confronts (and/or Supports) others appropriately in group.

3.  Commitment to elimination of abusive behavior.

4.  Eliminates manipulative behavior.

5.  Completes personal change plan drafts and Final Version.

6.  Demonstrates and Acknowledges development of empathy for the Victim.

7.  Accepts full responsibility for offense and abusive behavior.

        *Denial Level (If applicable)

8.  Understands pattern of power and control issues.

9.  Does not view themselves as the victim.

10.  Accepts consequences of abusive behavior.

11.  Challenges cognitive distortions.

12.  Define types of violence.

13.  Identifies & manages personal pattern of violence.

14.  Understanding of inter-generational effects of violence.

15.  Uses appropriate, respectful & effective communication skills.

16.  Offender understands and uses “time-out” & Stop, Breathe & Focus Techniques.

17.  Recognizes financial responsibility.

18.  Not engaging in any known forms of violence & abuse.

19.  Understands distorted view of self, others & relationships.

20. Identifies chronic abusive beliefs about victim and thought patterns that support abusive behavior

21.  Uses pro-social community supports.

22.  Understands cycle of violence.

23. Positive parenting skills with children. (living with biological children)

24. Demonstrates appropriate interaction with children and partner in a co-parenting or step-parenting situation (Client a step-parent or visiting parent)

25.  Understands healthy sexual behaviors & consent."

STRENGTHS: (How are you regarding the following Strengths?):

• "Pro-Social Friends
• Social Activity
• Spirituality
• Happiness
• Creativity
• Fun Time/Hobbies
• Health"

(Davies & Associates)

Another part of this is understanding the basic Principles of Equality in Relationship:

• Trust and Support:  Supporting her/his goals in life. Respecting her/his right to her/his own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions. 

• Respect: Listening to her/his non-judgmentally.  Being emotionally affirming and understanding.  Valuing her/his opinions.  This term essentially means valuing each others points of views. It means being open to being wrong. It means accepting people as they are.  It means not dumping on someone because you're having a bad day.  It means being polite and kind always, because being kind to people is not negotiable.  It means not dissing people because they're different to you.  It means not gossiping about people or spreading lies.

• Negotiation and Fairness: Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict.  Accepting changes.  Being willing to compromise.

• Responsible Parenting: Sharing parental responsibilities.  Being a positive, nonviolent role model for the children.

• Non-Threatening Behavior: Talking and acting so that she feels safe and comfortable expressing her/his-self and doing things.

• Shared Responsibility: Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work.  Making family decisions together.

• Economic Partnership: Making money decisions together.  Making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

• Honesty and Accountability: Accepting responsibility for self.  Acknowledging past use of violence. Admitting being wrong. Communicating openly and truthfully.

The Third Part of this process if keeping an Ongoing Personal Change Plan:

• Am I ready to Make Changes in my mind that would allow for me agreeing to this?   I hereby commit to eliminate abusive behavior; which includes the use of physical intimidation or violence, coercion, emotional, verbal or economic abuse, or psychological cruelty toward my spouse, partner and/or children.  If I do behave abusively in the future, I consider it my responsibility to report the behaviors honestly to my friends, relatives, probation officer or other interested party who will hold me accountable.

• Am I ready to Make Changes and Make Room for this?  The way I am going to prevent abusive behavior of any kind is by:

• Am I ready to Make Changes and Make Room for this?  The way I am going to change my thinking so my thoughts and behaviors will be healthy is by:

• Am I ready to Make Changes and Make Room for this?  If I realize I am in danger of becoming abusive I will do the following:

The Fourth Part of this Process is Aftercare Planning:  

AFTERCARE PLANNING is the act of Planning for how one will care for himself or herself after Treatment is completed so as to never again commit DV-Type Behaviors and therefore never again end up with a DV-related Charge. Hence, the overall question is: Have you developed an Aftercare Plan that could help you do the following:

A. Continue to be fully Accountable your previous DV Offense? 

B. Continue to heal from your previous DV Offense?  and

C. Continue to make changes to your life that will help you better prevent DV-Type Behaviors and Offenses in the future? 

   Here, take a look at the following questions and think about how you might answer them: 

(Questions to consider as you move along successfully include)

1.  "What effect has this domestic violence offender treatment program had on your life?

2.  What changes have you noticed about yourself, you relationship, your lifestyle, or your attitude from when you first started treatment until now?

3.  What did you learn about the cycle of violence?

4.  What are the consequences of violence?

5.  How do you communicate with your partner and express your feelings?

6.  Describe the steps you use when taking a “time out”?

7.  What do you take responsibility for in your specific domestic violence incident?

8.  What are you major goals in your personal relationships?  (3 or more)

9.  What have you done to make amends to the victim?

10. What are options you have to acting out violently? (activities, exercise, meditation, etc.)

11. Who are the people that you rely on to help you understand your thoughts and feelings?  Talk about how they are supportive to you."

12. Name three general attitudes or ways of thinking that you plan to hold in order to keep yourself from ever again committing DV-Type Behaviors or being charged with a DV-related Offense.  

(SLVBHG)

*** Please CLICK HERE to

Complete your Adapted DVTPA Worksheet *** 

Please CLICK HERE to Complete

Your Session Feedback Form!!!

*** AND Once have completed the above, 

you can CLICK HER TO move on to 

the Treatment Planning for Success Section. ***

Sources: 

(DVTPA by Davies and Associates)

(AFTER CARE PLAN Questions by SLVBHG)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Make an Emergency Toolkit in Order to Prevent Domestic Violence

  It is time to begin putting into practice some of the things we have learned in Domestic Violence Treatment.  Are you ready for this? 

   For people who take Domestic Violence seriously, an Emergency Toolkit can be a great tool for helping prevent another Domestic Violence Offense.  It's easy.  Its free.  And It works!

   This week, we are talking about how to make an emergency toolkit (physical or digital) that includes things you can easily do in order to prevent DV, avoid DV; or to de-escalate potential DV.

   Think about it: What types of things help you avoid DV?  

   Clearly Patience is a Virtue and is probably one of the best strategies to help avoid a crisis or DV; however, lots of us need more than just patience.

   When one starts having DV-Type Thinking or DV-Type Feeling; it is time to reach for an Emergency Toolkit for Prevention of Domestic Violence. 

   Sure, you might think this is silly.  But an Emergency DV Prevention Toolkit can mean the difference between a Successful, Happy and Healthy Relationship; and Miserably Failed Relationship with the possibility of another DV Charge.  So Ask yourself:

• Do I take Domestic Violence Seriously?
• Do I want another Domestic Violence - Related Offense? 
• Am I NOW Completely Done with Domestic Violence in My Life?
• Am I Committed to Preventing Domestic Violence in my life in the future?
• Am I ready to Eliminate my Domestic Violence-Type Thinking?
• Am I ready to Change my Domestic Violence-Type Feelings?
• Am I ready to find better, non-violent ways of Preventing DV in My Life?

Think about it.  What Would I Do To Avoid Another DV Offense:

• What would I do if I think my partner is not being very responsible with money?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if I was intoxicated and my partner physically attacks me?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if I feel that my partner is being an emotional bully to me?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if my partner refuses to work outside of the home and yet the home is always a terrible mess?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if my partner told me that I have a tendency to bully them or I am acting like a bully right NOW?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if my partner and I are having difficulties and I am confused over what to do because virtually everything -- every possible solution that I can think of seems to be abusive?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if I heard that the Victim Advocate is trying to get in touch with the victim / who happens to be my partner?

• What would you say?  What would you do?

What Would You Do To Prevent Another DV Offense?

• Let's say, You were living with your child (age 7) and your partner refused to quit drinking or using drugs?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, You are pretty sure that your partner is having an affair with someone at work and your partner has left their cell phone on the dresser while they are in the shower?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, You are standing in the living room with your partner.  And your 5-year-old daughter is sitting on the couch watching cartoons.  Your partner starts an argument that is likely to get loud.  
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, Your partner tells you that s/he is leaving you and that s/he is taking the kids and that you will never see them again?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, Your partner’s Ex calls to speak with him/her on the phone.  You rudely ask “why” and he/she says “It’s personal.”  (And They don’t even have kids together.)?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, Say you and your partner just had a really awful fight and there was disrespect as well as threats to leave.
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, Your partner tells you that they have close friends of the opposite sex and they have no intention of dumping them.
• What would you say?  What would you do? 
• 
  
• Let's say, Your partner is intoxicated and you have been arguing.  They take the keys and the baby and head toward the car saying they are leaving.
• What would you say?  What would you do?

  >>> What would you say or do?  What would I do if faced with this situation or a situation that is just as challenging.

  My theory is that DV Trouble often happens due to a decision made at this point...  So what we want to do is figure out how to make a much better decision than I did when I got into trouble.  And that's not always easy.  But it's doable. 

  It starts with a willingness to think critically... to be willing to second-guess assumptions that one already has. <<<

Now -- Answer the question: Why do you think or feel that the solutions that you thought of here might be the best solution(s) for you at this time? 

• It goes deeper than just Behavior though, right?
• It is more than just thoughts, right?
• It is also about feelings, Right?   

         So we put all that together... and that's what we are working on in order to prevent DV.  There's a lot to this.... Relationships are complicated aren't they?

 

The first step could be to learn about your DV Cues:

  DV Cues are feelings, thoughts, physical sensations, ideas, notions, inspirations and other influences that tell you that it is time to do something that could be considered Domestic Violence.  

  Remember:

>>> DV Cues can be Dangerous!!!  -- Very Dangerous -- Especially if ignored!

• How do I know when I am in Danger of DV Happening?  
• Ask Yourself: What are my DV Cues?

• But YOU CAN STOP YOUR DV CUES from getting you into Trouble. 
• The First Step is to figure out What your DV CUES are.  (So what are some of your DV Cues?)

A DV Prevention Emergency Toolkit is an Excellent Compliment to Understanding Our DV Cues:

  What is in a DV Emergency Toolkit?  You tell me: What are some things that can help you prevent DV in your life -- besides making really good choices about who you are going to be with?  Sure, we all have frustrations; but sometimes we tend to blow them up -- way out of proportion.  Then we get into trouble.  And at those times, we also tend to NOT think very clearly.  

  This Toolkit is about reminding ourselves about what to do in such times, so that we do not end up blowing things way out of proportion.

  A Domestic Violence Prevention Emergency Toolkit is something that you put together in order to help you STOP your DV-Type Feeling and DV-Type Thinking.  And this will be in order to avoid DV-Type Behaviors.  

  And the Best time to stop it is before it starts.  

  But if it starts, that's also a great time to stop it.  

  A good DV Emergency Toolkit might start with a list -- Like a LIST of Ideas, Things and Supports that help you avoid DV.  

  What are some behaviors or things you can use to STOP DV when you think or feel it's about to happen?  

  These things might include the following:

• Be very careful who you are involved with.

• Find ways to Reduce your own stress level. without Alcohol or other Substances.

• Take a Time out.

• Stay sober.  (We know that alcohol and drugs can increase the possibility of DV -- as well as the possibility of getting arrested should a confrontation happen.)

• Learn how to use Stop breathe and focus.

• Be Creative (Draw a picture, Write a Poem, Take a Photo / Edit a Photo, Hum a tune... especially a new tune that you are making up as you go...).

• Practice your Anger Management Skills.

• Do Deep Breathing Exercises -- Mediate if if helps you think more clearly.

• Study the Possible Risk Factors for Domestic Violence.   Learn what your Risk Factors are for DV.  Reverse your Risk Factors for Recidivism (in order to reduce your risk of Re-Offense).

• Go to work.  Get a job... Or at least go and do some Volunteer Work.  Stay productive.  Stay busy.

• Be nice to EVERYONE you meet --- on purpose.  Watch their reactions.  Let it nourish  your soul.

• Research about the Importance of Trust in Relationships.  Are you really TRUSTing  your partner?  Are they really trusting you?  Make a List of Reasons why you could trust your partner.  Make a List of Reasons why your your partner should trust you. 

• Go Shoot some baskets; Volleyball, Tennis or some other sport.  Work out.  Walk around the Park.

• Take one day at a time.  Try to let tomorrow alone for a while.

• Let go of things you cannot control.  Just try to let them go!

• Consider the potential victim's rights.  -- Think before you act.

• Practice your Right to remain silent; especially if your silence is not hurtful to your partner. 

• Try to be Helpful to your partner.

• Separate from your partner for the day.  You don't even have to tell them you are doing this.  Just take a day to yourself.

• Get Couples counseling (If this is currently permitted for you.  Current DV Offenders in DV Treatment are not allowed to do this per the D.V.O.M.B.)

• Do good things for the kids, the old folks or the infirmed people in your community.

• Promise yourself to never be violent.

• Watercolor.  Color outside the lines ON PURPOSE.

• Study up on the Philosophy of Nonviolence (Read MLK, Gandhi, Cesar Chavez, The Bible, The Gita, The Torah, The Koran).

• Choose equality over power and control.  Learn about both and start identifying where both appear in your life.

• Commit to Accountability.  Commit to being Accountable.

• Keep in mind; It may be Better to separate briefly, now; than to do so permanently later.

• Let it go.  Turn it over to a higher power.  Pray if it works for you or makes you feel better.  Or take some quiet time to yourself.  

• Focus on controlling yourself rather than controlling your partner.

• Catch yourself... and then Stop monitoring your partner (never look at her/his phone, her/his private journals, or her/his private belongings).  Never spy on your partner.  Just don't do it.

• Learn about what LOVE really is.  Look it up.  Google "LOVE".  Review your feelings about what Love Is after you read about it.  Now that you know what Love is; Try to figure out: Do you really LOVE this person?  (Are you sure..... Is this really Love?)

• Listen to some Music; or Play some Music.  (Sometimes, Music without words is best in that it might help one think peaceful thoughts.)

• Do an Art Project to relieve Stress.  Do some Finger-painting.

• Do some Grounding Exercises.  Google: Grounding Exercises!

• Try to View your situation through your partner's eyes.  If you were her or him, what would you want you to do at this point in time?

• Try to View your situation through your children's eyes.  If you were them, what would you want you to do at this point?

• Learn that if you are in a Healthy Relationship, you don't ever NEED to prove that you are right when it comes to your  partner.

• Try to Stop making assumptions.  Stick to what you know.  Learn the FACTS.

• Quit interrogating your partner about where she or he was, where he has been or who else was there.  Remember: Jealousy can destroy an otherwise promising relationship.

• Quit judging your partner.  

• Learn about what Intimacy really is.  int: it's not always about sex.  Think along the  lines of a sense of Equality, Trust, Respect, Altruism, Humanism, and Fairness... etc..

• Write a Poem or write a Song.

• Put things into perspective.  Get professional Help -- Call Someone who can help you.

• Remember: You can eventually attract more flies with honey than with vinegar -- if you  want flies.  So Be NICE to everyone!  No, this does not mean you should return to a your partner while they are being abusive to you.

• Realize that While you MUST NEVER try and control your partner; you do need to  control yourself.  You should try to control yourself enough to keep from causing harm to others or to yourself.

• Study up on what being Psychologically "Healthy" looks like.  Are you in touch with your emotions?  How do you really feel?  Spend some time figuring that out. 

• Let go and let Your Higher Power or God or Allah or the Lord Buddha do what ever needs to be done.

• Never fight.  (Once you disrespect your partner; You are fighting) -- Never call her or him names.

• Learn how to Apologize with Sincerity -- and then Follow it through.

• Do not speak to your kids about problems with your partner.

• Practice ways to De-Escalate a heated argument.  Remember to Sit down.  Be quiet.     And Listen carefully.  But never sit there and abuse them or be abused by them.

• Accept that our Lives as Humans are constantly changing.  And that we cannot (and in   some cases, should not) try to control the changes but so much.  Study the phenomenon of CHANGE.

• Encourage your partner to think for themself.  Respect his or her Reality.  Value   her / his   point of view -- especially if it's different from yours'.  

• Avoid Catastrophizing the situation by Threatening to Break-Up.  Do not threaten to leave or to do harm to yourself or to anyone else.  If you want to leave, then do it.  But don’t force yourself to do it today.  Don’t do it when you are angry.

• Take a Walk.  Walk your pet(s).  Walk around with your kid(s).  Walk alone.

• Go Fishing.  Go Birding.

• Go to a Self-Help Meeting if there is one that is available and covers what you need.  Try Codependents Anonymous, or Alanon, or ACOA, or AA or NA.. Or Sex Addicts Anonymous, or Over-Eaters Anonymous.  They're available on the Internet too.  Try Googling them.

• Build something.  Fix something.  Make something.  Create something with your hands.

• Do Something that makes you feel whole and confident. 

• Remember, it's never too late to learn new Coping Skills for Preventing negative moments in a relationship. 

• Plant a garden.

• Above all; promise yourself that you will be RESPECTful to EVERYONE the Whole Time -- No matter how angry you feel.

• Send yourself a Text or an Email with a list of ways you can prevent DV in your life.

• Be open to making good changes in your life.

• Be open to making healthy changes to how you think about things, how you feel about things, and how you do things... 

• Always be willing to learn something new that could help improve your life and/or your relationships.

• And finally, be PATIENT. 

BEST ANSWER:  SERENITY -- 

• Accept the things that you cannot change.  
• (In time) change the things that you can.  
• And strive to know the difference between what you can change and you cannot change.

*** Please Click Here to Complete 

your Emergency DV Prevention Toolkit Worksheet. ***

(Originally Posted 8/2/2021)

Sources: 

 -- Many Sources are cited above.  Please press the HyperLinks to see the Sources.

(Originally posted, 11/26/2020)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

STOP, BREATHE, FOCUS, RELAX, REFLECT and CHOOSE WISELY

  Sometimes, our differences or arguments get to where someone might feel like she or he cannot think straight.  And one might even start feeling cues telling one that they are angry and might just act out.  When angry, it is a great time to take a break. When I feel my Anger Cues it is time. (Question: What are your cues?  How do you know if you are angry?)

  When I'm not sure if I need a time out; then this technique helps me clear my mind enough to where I can decide wisely whether to take a Time Out; or whether to simply do this Stop, Breathe and Focus exercise and just move forward.  
  If violence is already happening.  Or if I am really thinking about doing violence, then it is time to take a Time Out.  
  Otherwise, Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely can help me handle the situation in a constructive way.  I can do this in the same room or in a different room.
  In many cases, such a break could be a Time Out.  However, if it is not that bad; then one can do a pretty simple, easy-to-do exercise that helps them relax and adjust their thinking such that they feel a whole lot more in control of their self; while feeling a whole lot less of a need to continue to try and control their partner.
Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely is just that.  
  First, I need to decide whether or not I can stay in this same room or situation for the time being and start to focus without going to the other room.  Or if I can go into the other room without any problems anyway.  The bottom line is whether or not I can stay in this room without doing or saying something that I might regret later.
  When the tension has built up to a level where one might lose one's temper and say or do something that they will later regret, it is time to do this.  If/When I get to a point where I might do something destructive I can do the following exercise instead.
  I can quietly and respectfully withdraw from the conversation or the interaction -- while still in the room or while not in the room.  But if I stay in that room, I need to be careful that I don't irritate the other person by occupying myself with a cell phone or something, or just being disrespectful/
  The best thing -- if possible -- Is probably just to listen really good.  If this doesn't work or if the tension doesn't de-escalate, then I can walk calmly to a place where I can sit down and relax quietly and away from all the noise and other people.  And I can begin to do this exercise that will help me feel much more in control of myself; while also feeling less anxious, less angry, and feeling less of a need to act out or to say something that could cause more problems.
  Whereas a Time Out is a very effective way to prevent DV Behaviors, it takes 4 hours to do; whereas this technique (Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely) can be done in as little as 15 minutes.  
  Here is how you do it:

• Stop --  Stop Talking -- Stop Arguing -- Stop trying to Prove Something.  Stop doing what ever I am doing, get alone for a moment -- if needed.  Or just sit down if possible in the same room and  (Stop, Shut yourself up, Sit Down, and Start Breathing -- slow, deliberate deep breaths).  Either stay in that room where the argument was taking place -- and listen to the other person (only if it's safe to do that).  
• Or if needed, go into another room where you can feel peaceful.  Be by yourself for a few moments..  Listen to yourself.  It's kind of like meditating.  If you cannot leave the room where the problem is taking place, then at least sit down and shut yourself up.  Stop talking.  Stop reacting.  Focus on you.  What are you thinking?  And listen to your partner.

• Breathe --  Breathe deeply (close my eyes if I need to), get into a nice comfortable posture, feeling your body, feeling your senses, body relaxed.  All my weight on my but.  Breathe deeply – in slowly and out slowly (feel my blood cells in my lungs becoming more oxygenated, and let that flow up to my brain and it makes me think more clearly at that moment).  This can help me make better decisions..  

• Focus --   Focus on your breathing.  Focus on relaxing your body.  Focus away from what ever has been happening that has you so frustrated.  Focus on what I am facing.  The reality.  The pain.  The Anger.  The Fear.  What am I afraid of?  And what are the Possibilities (bad or good)?

• Relax --   Relax some more. Focus on breathing some more.  Relax for a few more moments…….  Take it easy….  Take some more deep breaths.  SLOWLY.  Get out of a hurry of the stress in that was in that other space.  No hurry.  Take your time.

• Reflect -- Reflect on what I would like to have happen for me right now or in the near future.  How would I like for this situation to resolve?  Continue to Relax and Breathe as you do this -------   
• And Reflect on what I would like for this moment or for my life to be remembered for as I get older.  Do I want to be remembered as someone with DV-type problems, DV convictions etc...?  Or do I want to be remembered as someone who really cared for people and cared for myself, and showed it by doing the right thing(s) such as Stop, Breathe and Focus; rather than fighting?  
• Disengage from the Craziness in that other space.... (Stop chasing the solution with that other person for right now.)

• Re-Focus --  Now, Re-Focus on what I need to do right now to feel better.  Do I need to take a Time Out?  (Remember... Sobriety is a must in these situations.).  
• Think: "What -- if anything -- has to happen right now?"  
• Does anything really need to be done right this minute?  
• Is this an emergency?  Probably not.  
• Or can it wait for just a little while, or few days or weeks?  
• Keep breathing deeply, Relaxing, Focusing...  
• What can I do to turn this into a situation that works for me?  
• And how does patience help me right now?  
• Keep doing the deep breathing.  Keep doing the right thing.

• Choose Wisely --  Choose what you need to do right now (if anything).  Choose something that will BOTH prevent any more bad feelings regarding this situation right now; and/or something that will help you address the situation in a way that is non-threatening, peaceful, respectful, helpful, and a win-win solution for everyone.  
• Or be patient until you have such a solution.  
• (Then when you present a solution to the other person -- be sure to first: Listen to what your partner is saying; and also remember that as you speak about your ideas, you must be flexible).  
• And always continue with patience.

  Remember, the smartest thing one can do in many of these types of situations is to listen.
  Just sit down, shut up (unless asked a question), and listen carefully at what is being said.    This is not about giving your partner the silent treatment.  Basically, this is about stopping the competition between you.

Try to Remember the words of President John F. Kennedy: 

“Our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. And we are all mortal.”

  Pay attention to your partner.  How is your partner feeling right now?

When talk about your feelings and thoughts, use "I" statements.

  How is she or he feeling about this?   
  Accept how they are feeling.  Be compassionate.
  Listen.  There is no requirement to win something against your partner in such a situation.
  After all, this is a partnership right?  
  In partnerships, BOTH people should win at the same time.

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(Originally published 6/3/2020)

 

(c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Taking Time Outs: A Great Tool for Helping Keep Potential Domestic Violence Victims from Being Harmed; And an Effective Tool for Helping Keep A Potential Domestic Violence Offender from Becoming A Person with a Domestic Violence Offense

  Did you ever wonder what is basically going to happen when a Police Person intervenes in a Domestic Violence Dispute and finds that either; a Domestic Violence crime has happened; or that a Domestic Violence crime is about to happen?  
  In such cases, perhaps a Time Out is about to happen.  Either that Police Person is going to recommend that one or both parties involved in the dispute take a Time Out.  Or that Police Person is going to require that one or the other of the parties involved has to take a time out.  
  If the Police requires a Time Out, then someone is probably going to get arrested and charged with a DV-Related Crime.
  Question: Do you need for a Police Person to come along and give you a Time Out when one is needed?  Or can you take a Time Out on your own when one is needed?

Why Time Outs?
  Time Outs are probably the most effective way to stop potentially-abusive behavior before it becomes abusive behavior.  
  Time Outs are probably the most effective way to stop a potential DV - Type of Incident before it becomes a DV Offense.
   Time Outs are probably the most effective way to stop a potential DV victim from getting attacked before she or he gets hurt.  



***  And Time Outs are probably the most effective way to stop a potential DV Offender from becoming a DV Offender. ***

  In Short: Time Outs are a VERY GOOD THING!!!
  And it is most important to remember that a Time Out does not happen until one actually takes a Time Out.  In order to benefit from Time Outs, one needs to take a Time Out.
  A Time Out should be taken at any time that a person feels that they are about to become Violent, whether it is going to be Physical Violence, Verbal Violence, Sexual Violence, Emotional Violence Psychological Violence, Social Violence, Electronic or Cyber Violence, Financial Violence, Parental Alienation, Ostracizing, Intimidation, Coercion, Threats, or even Passive-Aggressive Violence. 
  Time Outs can be a great tool that one can use to avoid any kind of Violence.  
  A Time Out is when one immediately takes himself or herself out of the situation (or is taken out of the situation immediately in order to avoid committing or continuing violence toward others or even towards one's self).
  Violence is a horribly negative energy that people (and animals) sometimes put out into the World either directly or indirectly.  Violence tends to hurt or even kill people or animals or destroy things and it is generally destructive.  It is just that simple.  
  Over the past 30 years, the U.S. Government (and other Governments) have begun to address Domestic Violence with legal sanctions such as Jail Time, Prison, Probation, Treatment Aimed At Prevention, as well as making it easier for couples to immediately separate and divorce in order to to be safe.

  When Should One Take A Time Out?
  If one begins to think about committing violence, is thinking thoughts or feeling feelings that could lead to violence of any kind.  Or if one has a history of losing their temper and one is about to lose their temper; it is time to take a Time Out instead.  
  One should be aware of his or her Red Flags that might indicate that one could be at risk of becoming violent. 
  When one feels Cues telling him or her that they are truly starting to feel like doing violence or feeling that one may soon be unable to control one's self, then it is definitely time to act.  It is time for a Time Out.  

  How does One Take a Time Out?  
  Ideas on How to Take a Time Out in order to Prevent DV are readily available.  For Example, Author and Family Therapist, Dr. Richie Cole (1993) suggested that things one should do include (These lists below are Paraphrased and Edited for inclusion): 

Things to do when Taking a Time Out:

• 'Say you're taking a Time-Out and/or give the Time-Out hand signal
• Immediately leave the place you're at without getting caught up in an argument or explanation.
• Try to make sure you're positioned near an exit so your partner won't be in your pathway. If you push her on the way out, you've been physically abusive and re-violated.
• Go away from the place you are and do a relaxation exercise or some physical activity that will not reinforce abusive actions in order to initially deal with your adrenaline rush.
• Make a buddy contact with a group member (or a close friend) who's working the program. (This means you should have phone numbers in a few different places and always in your wallet.)
• Call or Text your female or male partner after about 30 minutes to let them know you're taking your Time-Out and that you're not doing something destructive to yourself, to them or to the relationship. Don't get caught up in a conversation and don't talk about the matter at hand.
• Tell her or him that you’re on your Time-Out and that you'll call them in a few hours.
• Notice if you need to do another relaxation exercise or some activity to deal with your physiological state.
• Do a control log analyzing your behavior. Don't examine her or his behavior.
• Think about how you want to non-abusively deal with the situation. You may need to road-map the situation.
• Make sure you stay away for at least four (4) hours since the adrenaline pump won't fully abate for at least that amount of time.
• When the time is appropriate call your partner and see if she or he is open to having you return and to deal with the matter at hand. If they are, return and deal with them in a non-abusive, assertive and empathic manner. Only return or talk about the issue at hand if your partner wants to do so.
• If the red flags reappear take another Time-Out.'

Things to NOT do when Taking a Time Out: 

• 'Never try to give your partner a Time Out.  She or he needs to make that decision for themselves.
• Don't give any parting shots, insults, threats or poor me-type signals.  Just leave.
• Don't act abusively toward anyone.
• Try not to make this into a moral situation where you determine that she or he is wrong and you are right.  Instead, I need to figure out what I am doing wrong or what I am doing that is not working for me.
• If there is a small child around, DO NOT Bring Them into the argument.
• Don't drink alcohol or use drugs or engage in other addictive behaviors.
• Don't stay with, or see another person who could be thought of as a potential partner; or even a friend or family member who is the same sex/gender as your partner.
• Don't do any behavior that will reinforce violent actions, Such as, martial arts, boxing, batting practice, shooting weapons, etc.
• Don't return home too early.
• Don't get caught up in an argument on the phone.
• Don't interact with people who will reinforce violent and controlling thoughts, behaviors, or beliefs.
• Don't think you're above and beyond a Time-Out.
• Don't forget or fail to clearly announce your Time-Out.'

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(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic     and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

Discussion Questions:  
  How do I identifying my Red Flags?
  How to do Road-mapping a situation?
  How to do a Control Log?
  How will my Partner know if I am taking a Time Out or what it is?

Souces Include:
Richie Cole, Ph.D., LMFT, of Radical Counseling & Consultation  (Possibly formerly of the Domestic Abuse Center).
Rules for Taking Time Outs According to Dr. Daniel Sonkin.
Info about Control Logs may be found in "Education Groups For Men Who Batter, The Duluth Model"; Pence & Paymar, 1993, Springer Publishing Company, Inc.

Control Log: http://nomsintranet.org.uk/roh/official-documents/Domestic%20Abuse%20Workbook%20final.pdf

Morran, D. and Wilson, M. (1997). Men who are Violent to Women; A Groupwork Practice Manual. Russell House, Dorset.
Road-Mapping Situations.
For Info Regarding Parental Alienation, Click Here.

(Originally Posted 2020)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

  First Published 5/18/2020, Dr. Beverly.