Getting Ahead Of Our Domestic Violence Behavior: Learning How To Think More Carefully Before We Wish We Had

Change is CONSTANT:  "On average, an adult sheds close to 12 million skin cells in a year, which adds up to more than 8 pounds (3.6 kilograms) of dead skin. By about age 70, we have shed approximately 105 pounds (35 kg) of skin" (From How Stuff Works.)

  The question is, is my Change gonna be a good Change or a bad Change -- or even a mixture of both?  

Consider this Philosophical Proposition:

  Try not to allow the Epistemology around a significant Ontology to be colored or covered up by your (or anyone else's) sense of Morality.  

  In other words: When trying to determine What Something Is; try not to allow your vision to get distorted by What you think that Something Should Be. 

  Once we determine precisely What Is; there will probably be plenty of time to eventually determine What Should Be.

  Unfortunately, we don't always see WHAT IS, because quite often, we are instead too busy looking at what we want, or thinking about what we think should be. 

  Yes, What Should be can be an important thing especially in Relationships.  And many of us strive to manifest it on a daily basis.  And we also spend time trying to prevent What Should Not Be.

  However What Is, already Is; regardless of what should be.  What is may change over time; however, What Is; still exists until it exists no longer. 

  In regards to Relationships, perhaps we might think that "Relationships should never change or end."  However, because CHANGE is Constant; Many Relationships do end, and they also tend to Change.  They just do.  What Is, is that we sometimes feel that our Relationships Should NEVER CHANGE or END; However, Relationships tend to end (or at least they tend to change) over time.  And we can't always stop that -- can we?

  Further, it is a MORAL IMPERITIVE that before one can claim that a Relationship SHOULD BE; they really must know for sure that EVERYONE directly Involved in this Relationship, also believes that this Relationship SHOULD BE.  

  In other words, the way to have a Healthy and /or a Good Relationship is for BOTH Partners to WANT THIS RELATIONSHIP to happen.

  Although when Relationships are in the midst of Changing or Ending; we sometimes try to keep them from doing so; we often have to accept that this is beyond our control.  Hence, at times, it seems kind of crazy to try and stop a Change in a Relationship -- especially if we truly love someone. 

   If Love is the willingness to allow someone to be exactly who or what or how they are right now, and then right now... and so on and so on...; then If I LOVE someone and they decide to make a change; then why would I try to stop them -- unless of course this change could put them in danger?

  In other words; Sometimes, what we think SHOULD BE; is not always WHAT IS.

  I also propose that a great deal of Domestic Violence type thinking, feeling and behavior happens when one or both Partners in a Relationship are either trying to STOP a CHANGE in the Relationship; or they are trying to CREATE a CHANGE in the Relationship.  There is data that supports the idea that a great deal of DV happens within months of a break-up -- either before or after the break-up.

Dealing with Change in Relationships:

  CHANGE is Constant in Relationships.  People are ALWAYS Changing on various levels, including: Physical, Social, Psychological, Spiritual, Financial, Intellectual, Educational, Vocational, Physiological etc...  

  To many people CHANGE is a good thing.  But to others, it's not.  However, CHANGE still Happens.

  Further, a great deal of PAIN around Relationships comes and/or goes away seemingly in direct relation to the Changes in a Relationship.  However, some Changes also bring JOY.

Valuing and Prevention

  In order to understand something; we must first have a good sense of the FACTS.  We need to know What It Is.  And then we can figure out What it Should Be.  It also helps to have an idea about whether or not this phenomenon is something of value. 

 Typically, we need to know what something is before we know its value.  Only after we establish precisely what it is, can we know its VALUE; such as whether or not it is A GOOD THING OR A BAD THING.  If it is a GOOD Thing for all concerned; perhaps it is very valuable and it SHOULD BE.  But if it is NOT a GOOD Thing for all concerned; perhaps it is not very valuable, and it SHOULD NOT BE.  

  Speaking of Value, a wise person once said something to the effect of: "An ounce of Prevention is worth a pound of cure."  Hence, Prevention is worth more than Cure.  It's often smarter to prevent a mess; than it is to have to clean it up afterwards.  Hence, where should we put our efforts?

  Knowledge about something before it happens often gives us the power to more effectively prevent it; or shape it.  That is, if we have that much power.  After all, we cannot control that which we cannot control.  But working early to prevent something is a way to gain much-needed strength.  Prevention requires thinking.  Prevention can be as simple as taking a moment to examine the facts and think before we act.  

Thinking Before We Act:

  Just think; What might have happened in my DV Case, had I been ABLE AND WILLING to think more carefully and to consider BOTH What I WANTED TO HAPPEN and THE FACTS at some point before I did what I did?

  Many believe they were NOT Thinking prior to, or during their DV Offense.  However, the Human Brain regulates and monitors sensations and behaviors 24/7.  This requires either active thinking or passive cognitive processes.  We tend to do some form of Thinking almost 24 hours per day, every day.   Hence, it is almost certain that we were Thinking Before, During and After our DV Offense -- even if we were intoxicated or just highly emotional -- we were thinking at some time before that offense.  But, the catch is that we are not always aware that we are Thinking.  But still we are Thinking.  The better question would be; Were we thinking rationally at that time?  

  One problem is that we often forget to use our Logic when it comes to our Relationships.  We tend to go with our Feelings in Relationships instead.  And sometimes, that doesn't work out too good. 

  For example; if I was drinking or drugging while in this Relationship -- Prior to my DV offense -- a rational question could be: Did I consider the FACTS about the possible negative outcomes of drinking or drugging on the possibility that I could some day be arrested for DV?  Probably not.  Yet a great deal of DV happens to involve Alcohol.  Hence, was it logical to be drinking or drugging while in this Relationship?    

  And the same goes for high emotion or high distraction.  If we are highly emotional or highly distracted, it is quite possible that we are going to make a poor choice, Right?  

  Or if I feel that much of the blame for my DV Offense lies in the hands of my Victim; Prior to my DV offense, did I consider the FACTS and probable outcomes of getting involved with a person like this on the possibility that I could some day be arrested for DV?  Is it Logical to get involved with a person who is dangerous for me?

  Perhaps we need to develop some techniques that will help us do a better job of thinking when it comes to Relationships.

Possible Steps for Thinking it Through -- Just Ideas.. not a Recipe:

  Consider these ten ideas -- Particularly in regard to your Relationships -- especially before they start and during challenging times and during endings. 

  The point is to learn to be more careful with our relationships through more sound decision-making.  None of us are necessarily going to follow all of the steps below.  But if we at least try to consider some of them, we might have some good results:

1. Stop -- Slow down - Take your time -- Think before you do it!  (As much as possible).

2. Be Clear with yourself about What YOU really Want -- What you want is what you think SHOULD BE.  Or at least think about what you DON'T want in a partner.  And you get bonus points if you can do this before you get too involved. 

3. Pay Attention to the FACTS as you go -- Get REAL CLEAR about WHAT IS.  Be honest with yourself about what you are seeing in front of you right now.

4. Think about whether or not there is a Possibility that you could influence a Change in this Situation (i.e., if you ask her out, will she go with you?).  (Remember, a change could be as small as calling your sweetheart, "Babe", instead "Honey" for a few months; or a Change could be as large as Starting or Ending a Relationship).

5. Before you make this Change, consider the possible OUTCOMES (Negative and Positive).  (Learn how to do a Cost-Benefit Analysis.  And be sure to consider your potential costs first).

6. Make a Decision To Act; or To NOT Act.  (Remember, it is often good to NOT Act unless you must).

7. If you still want to make this Change, then Make a PLAN for Action first.  (You can do this in your head even -- Roadmap the situation.  Get your Mission on.)

8. When you are ready, engage in your Action; making necessary Adjustments or additional Changes as needed;  (Hint;  Look back at Number 1... and consider the probability that most people might start here at Number 8, instead of at Number 1.  How might that influence the Outcome?)

9. Critically (Honestly) Assess your New Situation, and your Results -- Both Bad and Good (Think about it: Who Benefited from my actions?  Who Lost?  Was it a Good Thing for me?  Was it Worth It for Everyone Else?).

10. Either Continue moving forward, or wait for a while, or move backwards, or Stop the Action altogether.  (Sounds a lot easier than it is; right?)

 

 Moving Forward in a Smarter Way:  Complimenting the above steps... 

(EXTRA QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF):

  When presented with the opportunity to either pursue, begin, continue, modify, alter, change, or end a Relationship; carefully consider the potential costs and benefits before you act.  (Hint: Consider the possible COSTS first -- and repeat...).  

  Ask yourself the following Questions:

  1. What change am I presently thinking that I would like to make?  (And don't forget about the other changes that could probably happen; after I make this change?  (Can you say domino effect?) 

  2. Am I ready for the DOMINO effect changes as well?  Is my potential partner ready and willing for this change to happen? And How might these changes effect me and everyone else?)

  3. Why do I want to make a change regarding this situation?  Does this Need to happen or is it just something I want?  Furthermore, does it really need to happen right now?  Am I in Lust or am I in Love?

  4. How might this Change Impact Others?  How might this Change Impact me if it impacts others?  Is it worth the possible costs or the possible benefits?  

  4. Is this change truly within my grasp to where I could actually make my part of it happen?  (Consider that which you can control; versus that which you cannot control.  And remember, if you have to force something too much; you might just break it).

  5. If I start to try and make a change, what things could possibly happen then?  

 A. What negative things could possibly happen -- what are the Risk Factors?  

 B. What Positive things could possibly happen as a result of this change?  Is it            worth it? 

          1. If these things happen, who could be directly impacted either Negatively                        or Positively.

          2. Overall, who could be harmed by the possible impacts of this change?

          3. Overall, who could be helped by the possible impacts of this change?

 

Also Remember: If you feel a need to, you may ask these questions in an order different from the way they are presented above; or you may add questions or discard questions to ask yourself.  However, it is typically best to be as thorough as possible -- no matter what your method -- in order to avoid problematic or even dangerous outcomes.

A Curative Suggestion: Becoming a Life-long Learner can probably help

  Pay Attention.  Learn the differences between wishes and facts.  And Learn how to Question your own perceptions, thinking, feelings, plans, actions and evaluations -- hopefully, before it's too late.  

  Instead of trying to focus on the other person's mind and what they are thinking right now; make sure your own mind is clear about what you are thinking right now.

  Always be willing to ask yourself: What do I really know about this person who is sitting right here in front of me?

  And always be willing to learn something new -- especially when it's about someone or something that you think you already know.

* Please Click HERE to Complete Your Moving Forward Smarter Worksheet. *

*** And always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session (Below). 

 
 Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

Music: "What is and What Should Never Be" by Led Zepplin

            "Call it Stormy Monday" by BB King

            "When the Rain Comes" By The Beatles

            "Sweet Melissa" By The Allman Brothers

            "Cruel to be Kind" By Nick Lowe

   Thank you.  And have a nice day.

Making Payments and Settling Balances for DV Treatment: EVERYONE Who is in DV Treatment Must Read This and Complete the Form at the Bottom

 IMPORTANT: Don't Get Discharged as Unsuccessful due to having a Past-Due Balance:

(Originally Posted 6/1/2021.)

Making Payments for DV Treatment:

  Hello there -- Please READ this entire Text or Email.  (If this TEXT is too long for your Cell Phone Text App, then TEXT me your Email Address at 719-671-7793 so I can email it to you).

Please Note: The Colorado Domestic Violence Offender Management Board's Standards and Guidelines for Domestic Violence Offenders states the following:

 

In Section 5.04, 2, B, Item 9, says: "The offender paying for his/her own evaluation and treatment is an indicator of responsibility and shall be incorporated in the treatment plan..."

  This means that if a DV Client does not have a Voucher from Probation for every session; she or he must pay Dr. Beverly for her or his own Treatment.  

  This also means that Dr. Beverly, cannot and will not successfully discharge any DV Clients who has an outstanding Balance.

  As you probably know: 

   The DV Admin Intake Fee is a one-time $25 fee, 

   The DV Post-Sentence DV Evaluation is one-time $75 fee, 

   The DV Text/Blog Fee is a one-time $25 fee, 

   The Group Sessions are $35 per Session & Individual DV Sessions are $65 each.  

   The prices have been this way since June 1st, 2021.   

  In other words: If you are attending Dr. Beverly's DV Treatment Sessions in-person or via conference call, you should expect to pay for your sessions each time you attend.  Or you may pay in advance.  

  Everyone who has any Balance in Dr. B's DV Treatment really must clear that up as soon as it is possible (No Exceptions).  Chances are that if you have not been paying every week, you have a Balance.

  (WAIT!!!  DO NOT Just CALL OR TEXT Dr. B. for your Balance or with other questions yet.  Let's see what you can figure out for yourself.  Please Follow the steps below.  You can do this...!) 

 Also, please keep this Blog Entry or Text Message.  And be sure to READ all points below before getting distracted.

  Everyone who attends DV should be paying weekly or every two weeks if possible.  Please READ everything here and then follow the link below to make payments.  On your payments, please be sure to enter your name so that you will get credit.

  In case you heard something different, during COVID-19 because of the COVID Restrictions and due to our Using Distance-Learning Tools for some Sessions, we had a serious problem of people NOT paying their fees every week.  Whereas, if you were here prior to COVID-19, you know that we typically do not even allow someone into a Treatment Session until AFTER they pay for it.  This is all explained in the Treatment Contract that was signed when you started Treatment.

  Some people have balances due.  This is because they have not been paying every week. 

  DO NOT WAIT for me to give you a Total Balance or an Invoice.  While I do balance everyone's account at the time of Discharge because we cannot discharge anyone who has a balance; I normally do not give out Balances or Invoices, as it is a waste of time.  If you have a balance, please start paying on that as soon as possible.

  The way to figure out if you have a balance is to do the following:

1. Sometimes, Probation Officers will award Vouchers to Clients.  One thing for certain is that Probation Officer are probably more likely to award Vouchers to clients who are attending every session and to clients who are making progress in Treatment.  If you are not sure whether or not you have a Voucher, contact your Probation or Diversion Officer.  The only way to figure this out is to speak with your Probation or Diversion Officer.  Also remember that when they issue Vouchers, these Vouchers must be used within a certain time-frame; otherwise they expire and are useless.  Do not ask me if you have a Voucher.  Ask your Probation Officer.  If you have a Voucher that did in-fact cover a given Session, then you won't have to pay for that session.

2. Then, if you were Evaluated your Intake Fee was $25, Your Blog Fee was $25, and your Evaluation Fee of $75.  

3. Add up your total number of sessions attended.  Multiply your total number of sessions by $35 each.  If you started after June 1st., text me at 719-671-7793 for that session fee amount.  (If you need to know how many sessions you have attended, I can usually give you a ballpark figure.  If you need this, please TEXT me for this at 719-671-7793.  Do not call unless it is a REAL Emergency or a Crisis.

4. Add your Evaluation, Intake and your Session Fees for a Subtotal.

5. Subtract each valid used Voucher that you had from your Subtotal.

6. Then Subtract any payments you made from that (After Vouchers) Subtotal.

7. This is your current Balance for DV Treatment.

8. If you have a Balance due, then you will see that total at this point after doing your math.

9. EVERY TIME that you attend a Treatment session, you should add $35 (or your appropriate session fee) to your total running balance and you should keep track of that. 

10. EVERY WEEK, (if possible) you must pay something.

11. Failure to pay something each week -- or -- failure to pay anything on your Balance after a week; can lead to Involuntary Unsuccessful Discharge from DV Treatment.  In order to avoid this, pay something every week, and keep track of your Sessions, your payments, payment dates, and payment amounts.

12. You should not have to ask about your Balance or for an Invoice until it is time to be Discharged.  And theoretically, by that time, you should NOT have a Balance because you have been paying every week.

13. Typically, all payments are made using cash if in-person, or using a Credit or Debit Card.  If you do not have one, you should be able to go to Walmart and get a prepaid care with which to do this.  If that is not possible, please mail your regular payments to me at P.O. Box 871, Walsenburg, CO 81089. Or bring them to an In-Person Treatment Session.

14. So if you have a Balance -- and you know who you are -- Please start making payments TODAY using the link below.  Do not worry about paying more that what you owe.  That hardly ever happens.  And if that happens, I will definitely settle up with you as soon I am made aware of the over-payment.

  ***PLEASE SEE THE INSTRUCTIONS BELOW ON HOW TO MAKE PAYMENTS*** 

   https://drbsdvpreventionandeducation.blogspot.com/

 (If when you hit the link (above), you do not see the Paypal / Debit / Credit Buttons in the upper - right-hand corner; then do this:

   A. Scroll to the bottom of your cell phone screen. 

   B. Tap where it says, "View Web Version". 

   C. You will see the Paypal / Debit / Credit Card Buttons in the Top-Right Corner of your screen. 

   D. Use your fingers to navigate to make your payments.  And MAKE your payment.)

15. If you have any questions about this, please TEXT me at 719-671-7793. (Do not call unless it is a REAL Emergency or a Crisis.)

16. Finally, if you have a Balance-related, Voucher-related, Payment-related or Fee-related question that really must be answered by Dr. B; please DO NOT ask Dr. B about this during Group.  This is a private matter and Group Time is precious.  Instead, send a Text to Dr. B at 719-671-7793.

17. From here on our, I will assume that you understand that if you have a Balance for Dr. B's DV Treatment and if you are not paying something on this Balance every week or at least every other week; you may be Discharged from DV Treatment as Unsuccessful.

18.  If you have a serious Income issue and you wish to be considered for a reduction in your fees, please send Dr. B a TEXT and he will set you up with the forms that you will need to fill out and the forms you will need to provide in order to prove that you are unable to pay these fees.  Meanwhile, continue to pay what you can.

    

*** Please Click Here to Complete your 

     Making Payments & Balances Agreement. ***

Thank you.  And have a nice day.  Dr. B

(Updated, 12/8/2024, Originally published 9/13/2021) 

 

"The Courage to Change the Things I Can" in order to Prevent Domestic Violence from Happening in my life... I am going to....

  Assumption: If I am here today because I got a Charge related to Domestic Violence; and/or because I have some sort a glitch that if adjusted properly, I could probably be a lot less likely to have Domestic Violence in my life; then it would probably a great time to consider some sort of change in my life -- A change in the way I handle things such that I don't end up in a similar situation again.  

  Actress Comedian Carol Burnett once said, "Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me."

  A good question to ponder; Am I up for some kind of a change?

Speaking of Change:

  Serenity is often thought to be a combination of accepting the things that I cannot change,  I would like to be able to have the serenity to do this... 

     ---- having the Courage to change the things that I can change, 

     ---- and having the Wisdom to know the difference between things I can change and things I cannot change. 

  Rhetorical Question: Which among these is the most important then -- Serenity, Courage, or Wisdom?

Or do we truly need all three of them?  They kind of work together to form one, though right?  We need all three.

  Now, think about a given relationship with potential for Domestic Violence; If having had DV is a Risk Factor, Can I change that Risk Factor?  Or is it permanent?  (One can probably change whether or not the potential is still present.  Or perhaps another way to look at it, is that one can probably change how high one's Risk is for DV in the future.  For example, if alcohol is one's major Risk Factor, then one could change his or her potential for DV by Drinking or Not Drinking Alcohol.)

  What about a given relationship could I possibly change?  Probably almost anything as long as both people want to make a change.  However, if only one person needs to make the change, then it might only take one of the partners to make the changes.  But generally speaking, both partners need to be involved in the change.  And in fact, usually both partners need to make some changes on their own.

  So what does it take to make these changes?   

• A Curiosity about what needs to be changed.  
• (Being willing to ask the question)
• A Desire to make the change.
• Support to help one work through the change. 
• The Knowledge and Skills needed to get through the change.
• The Right Tools for the Change (i.e., Help from others, Patience, Stamina, and perhaps even Courage...).

  In fact, Courage could be the main ingredient needed to make the right change.  But what makes Courage.  What is Courage Made of: 

  Well, Audre Lorde was known to have said, "When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid" (From Inspiring Quotes by Women). 

  Sounds like Change takes Courage, Wisdom and Commitment.

  So what does Courage really have to do with it? 

• Courage makes it easier to get through the good and the bad.
• Courage helps one know when you need help.
• Courage helps ask for help.
• Courage helps one honestly consider and even accept some of the critical ideas of others.
• It takes Courage to really listen to yourself.
• The Serenity and the COURAGE to Accept things things I cannot Change.
• The Wisdom and the COURAGE to Know the Difference between the things I can Change and the things I cannot change.
• The Courage to Change the things that I can Change.  
• The Courage to make the necessary and desired changes that will help one move forward; rather than backwards.

  

Things that one might have the Courage to change might include?

• Quitting Alcohol or Drugs.
• How one handles their Anger.
• One's Attitude.
• One's Peer Group.
• How one Thinks about certain things.
• How one Reacts to certain things.
• How one Feels about certain things.
• One's level of Accountability.
• The degree to which one tries to blame others for their own problems and their own regrettable decisions and behaviors.
• One's Behavior.  The Courage to change how I act.
• What one does or does not do.

So Think about it: What might each type of Courage below look like as one considers making the Changes that one could make in order to Prevent any DV thinking, Feeling or Behavior in the future?

• Physical Courage   -- ???
• Social Courage -- ???
• Moral Courage  -- ???
• Emotional Courage  -- ???
• Intellectual Courage  -- ???
• Spiritual Courage  -- ???