Consider this Philosophical Proposition:
Try not to allow the Epistemology around a significant Ontology to be colored or covered up by your (or anyone else's) sense of Morality.
In other words: When trying to determine What Something Is; try not to allow your vision to get distorted by What you think that Something Should Be.
Once we determine precisely What Is; there will probably be plenty of time to eventually determine What Should Be.
Unfortunately, we don't always see WHAT IS, because quite often, we are instead too busy looking at what we want, or thinking about what we think should be.
Yes, What Should be can be an important thing especially in Relationships. And many of us strive to manifest it on a daily
basis. And we also spend time trying to
prevent What Should Not Be.
However What Is, already Is; regardless of what should be. What is may change over time; however, What Is; still exists until it exists no longer.
In regards to Relationships, perhaps we might think that "Relationships should never change or end." However, because CHANGE is Constant; Many Relationships do end, and they also tend to Change. They just do. What Is, is that we sometimes feel that our Relationships Should NEVER CHANGE or END; However, Relationships tend to end (or at least they tend to change) over time. And we can't always stop that -- can we?
Further, it is a MORAL IMPERITIVE that before one can claim that a Relationship SHOULD BE; they really must know for sure that EVERYONE directly Involved in this Relationship, also believes that this Relationship SHOULD BE.
In other words, the way to have a Healthy and /or a Good Relationship is for BOTH Partners to WANT THIS RELATIONSHIP to happen.
Although when Relationships are in the midst of Changing or Ending; we sometimes try to keep them from doing so; we often have to accept that this is beyond our control. Hence, at times, it seems kind of crazy to try and stop a Change in a Relationship -- especially if we truly love someone.
If Love is the willingness to allow someone to be exactly who or what or how they are right now, and then right now... and so on and so on...; then If I LOVE someone and they decide to make a change; then why would I try to stop them -- unless of course this change could put them in danger?
In other words; Sometimes, what we think SHOULD BE; is not always WHAT IS.
I also propose that a great deal of Domestic Violence type thinking, feeling and behavior happens when one or both Partners in a Relationship are either trying to STOP a CHANGE in the Relationship; or they are trying to CREATE a CHANGE in the Relationship. There is data that supports the idea that a great deal of DV happens within months of a break-up -- either before or after the break-up.
Dealing with Change in Relationships:
CHANGE is Constant in Relationships. People are ALWAYS Changing on various levels, including: Physical, Social, Psychological, Spiritual, Financial, Intellectual, Educational, Vocational, Physiological etc...
To many people CHANGE is a good thing. But to others, it's not. However, CHANGE still Happens.
Further, a great deal of PAIN around Relationships comes and/or goes away seemingly in direct relation to the Changes in a Relationship. However, some Changes also bring JOY.
Valuing and Prevention
In order to understand something; we must first have a good sense of the FACTS. We need to know What It Is. And then we can figure out What it Should Be. It also helps to have an idea about whether or not this phenomenon is something of value.
Typically, we need to know what something is before we know its value. Only after we establish precisely what it is, can we know its VALUE; such as whether or not it is A GOOD THING OR A BAD THING. If it is a GOOD Thing for all concerned; perhaps it is very valuable and it SHOULD BE. But if it is NOT a GOOD Thing for all concerned; perhaps it is not very valuable, and it SHOULD NOT BE.
Speaking of Value, a wise person once said something to the effect of: "An ounce of Prevention is worth a pound of cure." Hence, Prevention is worth more than Cure. It's often smarter to prevent a mess; than it is to have to clean it up afterwards. Hence, where should we put our efforts?
Knowledge about something before it happens often gives us the power to more effectively prevent it; or shape it. That is, if we have that much power. After all, we cannot control that which we cannot control. But working early to prevent something is a way to gain much-needed strength. Prevention requires thinking. Prevention can be as simple as taking a moment to examine the facts and think before we act.
Thinking Before We Act:
Just think; What might have happened in my DV Case, had I been ABLE AND WILLING to think more carefully and to consider BOTH What I WANTED TO HAPPEN and THE FACTS at some point before I did what I did?
Many believe they were NOT Thinking prior to, or during their DV Offense. However, the Human Brain regulates and monitors sensations and behaviors 24/7. This requires either active thinking or passive cognitive processes. We tend to do some form of Thinking almost 24 hours per day, every day. Hence, it is almost certain that we were Thinking Before, During and After our DV Offense -- even if we were intoxicated or just highly emotional -- we were thinking at some time before that offense. But, the catch is that we are not always aware that we are Thinking. But still we are Thinking. The better question would be; Were we thinking rationally at that time?
One problem is that we often forget to use our Logic when it comes to our Relationships. We tend to go with our Feelings in Relationships instead. And sometimes, that doesn't work out too good.
For example; if i was drinking or drugging while in this Relationship -- Prior to my DV offense -- a rational question could be: Did I consider the FACTS about the possible negative outcomes of drinking or drugging on the possibility that I could some day be arrested for DV? Probably not. Yet a great deal of DV happens to involve Alcohol. Hence, was it logical to be drinking or drugging while in this Relationship?
And the same goes for high emotion or high distraction. If we are highly emotional or highly distracted, it is quite possible that we are going to make a poor choice, Right?
Or if I feel that much
of the blame for my DV Offense lies in the hands of my Victim; Prior to my DV offense, did I consider the FACTS and probable outcomes of getting
involved with a person like this on the possibility that I could some day be
arrested for DV? Is it Logical to get involved with a person who is dangerous for me?
Perhaps we need to develop some techniques that will help us do a better job of thinking when it comes to Relationships.
Possible Steps for Thinking it Through -- Just Ideas.. not a Recipe:
Consider these ten ideas -- Particularly in regard to your Relationships -- especially before they start and during challenging times and during endings.
The point is to learn to be more careful with our relationships through more sound decision-making. None of us are necessarily going to follow all of the steps below. But if we at least try to consider some of them, we might have some good results:
1. Stop -- Slow down - Take your time -- Think before you do it! (As much as possible).
2. Be Clear with yourself about What YOU really Want -- What you want is what you think SHOULD BE. Or at least think about what you DON'T want in a partner. And you get bonus points if you can do this before you get too involved.
3. Pay Attention to the FACTS as you go -- Get REAL CLEAR about WHAT IS. Be honest with yourself about what you are seeing in front of you right now.
4. Think about whether or not there is a Possibility that you could influence a Change in this Situation (i.e., if you ask her out, will she go with you?). (Remember, a change could be as small as calling your sweetheart, "Babe", instead "Honey" for a few months; or a Change could be as large as Starting or Ending a Relationship).
5. Before you make this Change, consider the possible OUTCOMES (Negative and Positive). (Learn how to do a Cost-Benefit Analysis. And be sure to consider your potential costs first).
6. Make a Decision To Act; or To NOT Act. (Remember, it is often good to NOT Act unless you must).
7. If you still want to make this Change, then Make a PLAN for Action first. (You can do this in your head even -- Roadmap the situation. Get your Mission on.)
8. When you are ready, engage in your Action; making necessary Adjustments or additional Changes as needed; (Hint; Look back at Number 1... and consider the probability that most people might start here at Number 8, instead of at Number 1. How might that influence the Outcome?)
9. Critically (Honestly) Assess your New Situation, and your Results -- Both Bad and Good (Think about it: Who Benefited from my actions? Who Lost? Was it a Good Thing for me? Was it Worth It for Everyone Else?).
10. Either Continue moving forward, or wait for a while, or move backwards, or Stop the Action altogether. (Sounds a lot easier than it is; right?)
Moving Forward in a Smarter Way: Complimenting the above steps...
(EXTRA QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF):
When presented with
the opportunity to either pursue, begin, continue, modify, alter, change, or end a Relationship; carefully consider the potential costs and benefits before you act. (Hint: Consider the possible COSTS first -- and repeat...).
Ask yourself the following Questions:
1. What change am I presently thinking that I would like to make? (And don't forget about the other changes that could probably happen; after I make this change? (Can you say domino effect?)
2. Am I ready for the DOMINO effect changes as well? Is my potential partner ready and willing for this change to happen? And How might these changes effect me and everyone else?)
3. Why do I want to make a change regarding this situation? Does this Need to happen or is it just something I want? Furthermore, does it really need to happen right now? Am I in Lust or am I in Love?
4. How might this Change Impact Others? How might this Change Impact me if it impacts others? Is it worth the possible costs or the possible benefits?
4. Is this change truly within my grasp to where I could actually make my part of it happen? (Consider that which you can control; versus that which you cannot control. And remember, if you have to force something too much; you might just break it).
5. If I start to try and make a change, what things could possibly happen then?
A. What negative things could possibly happen -- what are the Risk Factors?
B. What Positive things could possibly happen as a result of this change? Is it worth it?
1. If these things happen, who could be directly impacted either Negatively or Positively.
2. Overall, who could be harmed by the possible impacts of this change?
3. Overall, who could be helped by the possible impacts of this change?
Also Remember: If you feel a need to, you may ask these questions in an order different from the way they are presented above; or you may add questions or discard questions to ask yourself. However, it is typically best to be as thorough as possible -- no matter what your method -- in order to avoid problematic or even dangerous outcomes.
A Curative Suggestion: Becoming a Life-long Learner can probably help
Pay Attention. Learn the differences between wishes and facts. And Learn how to Question your own perceptions, thinking, feelings, plans, actions and evaluations -- hopefully, before it's too late.
Instead of trying to focus on the other person's mind and what they are thinking right now; make sure your own mind is clear about what you are thinking right now.
Always be willing to
ask yourself: What do I really know about this person who is sitting right here in
front of me?
And always be willing to learn something new -- especially when it's about someone or something that you think you already know.
* Please Click HERE to Complete Your Moving Forward Smarter Worksheet. *
*** And always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session (Below).
Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.
Music: "What is and What Should Never Be" by Led Zepplin
"Call it Stormy Monday" by BB King
"When the Rain Comes" By The Beatles
"Sweet Melissa" By The Allman Brothers
"Cruel to be Kind" By Nick Lowe
Thank you. And have a nice day.
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