First: Think about the Historical use of Argument. Arguments actually do a lot of good; but productive arguments are not always done the way that many of us think arguments should be done. For one, think of all the comforts and the things that we would not have as a Human Civilization today if not for Arguments. We have all benefited from Arguments; we just may not know it yet?
Some of the greatest arguers ever known to humankind have names that we have heard before: Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Galileo, Da Vinci, Copernicus, Thomas Paine or even Freud?
- For Example: Some professionals argue for a living.
- Philosophers ( such as those named above) -- Essentially invented argument. Philosophers such Aristotle essentially invented things such as parts of the Scientific Method, as well as certain Methods for Argument about Right and Wrong (Ethics or Moral Philosophy) or Logic.
- Attorneys / Lawyers argue for a living (like in Court) -- while Judges settle Arguments. In the U.S.A., Court is one place where people argue for a living.
- Teachers and (more so) Professors try to teach people how to Argue. And many Professors are actually Professional Arguers as well... such as in the use the what's called the Socratic Method.
- Scientists present their findings of Research and other Researchers or Scientists or even Scholars argue for or against the validity of their findings. In other words sometimes we come up with better solutions because we argue about our results or our research until we are enlightened by new information or by new ways of thinking.
- Politicians argue for what they think is right. And they are often swayed by the arguments of Lobbyists and Advocates.
- Authors who write Editorials or Op/Eds or Books or Popular Articles or even Scholarly Journal Articles often argue for a living as well. They get paid to argue in writing.
- And Guess What Else? All of these people above -- are typically able to argue almost every day and yet they are trained on how to do so without being disrespectful or violent.
- But without Freedom of Expression -- Freedom or Speech and Freedom of Thought and Belief; We would essentially be nowhere as far as arguments go.
- Because there are societies where arguing is not legal. Stalin killed as many as 40,000,000 - many of which were killed because they disagreed with his philosophy of Government.
- Many leaders and even Mobs throughout the ages have killed people for having different opinions.
Arguments can be Personal and Professional. But still in all, if in a Personal Argument, a person can argue in a Profesional way, they might find that it helps their relationship, more than it hurts the relationship.
Today's lesson is about Arguing in a Professional way.
- "The act or (the) process of arguing, reasoning, or discussing."
- That's all it is...
- "A coherent series of reasons, statements, or facts intended to support or establish a point of view."
- The problem is that it appears to be that most Americans seem to think that argument is essentially a fight; when truly, nothing could be further from the truth. Arguing and fighting are two completely different things.
Per Dr. B., Some of The Possibly Good Things About Healthy Argument Include:
Dr. B's Rules About Arguments / How To Argue Without Destroying An Otherwise Good Relationship:
"How to Communicate During an Argument: 7 Quick Rules (By Estes (2012). (Dr. B's Annotations are in Parentheses):
*** Other: The "Rules for Argument" as proposed by the University of Colorado include an
"Argument Checklist", which suggests that the following questions be answered prior to arguing (Dr. B's Annotations are in Parentheses):
"Rules for Argument: Make Your Argument Convincing" (University of Colorado, Denver).
"A Short Guide to Writing About History" Marius (1999).
- Can Help us build Stronger Relationships. Helps with Nurturing your Relationships.
- Can Help one partner get to know the needs, desires and concerns of the other partner in a really good way.
- It can Help a Couple Find New Information, Workable Solutions and even Better Solutions.
- It often Increases Bonding between Partners.
- It also sometimes helps one or both Partners in Clearing the Air. In that way it can help us feel better.
- Helps each Partner learn how to Increase their Listening Skills. Helps Partners Learn Skills at paying attention to the new information presented during an argument.
- Helps individual Partners at Building Collaboration and Negotiation Skills. Argument is Good practice for Collaboration and Negotiation.
- Builds on one's ability to exercise Patience.
- Helps one develop more Clear and more Rational and more Logical Thinking Skills. Arguing helps one build Critical Thinking Skills.
- Argument can be a great way to experience the depths and the strength of a Relationship; but only when it is done respectfully.
Why does this Seem So Outlandish to Some People -- the Idea that Arguing Can Be Good???
- Could it be that this seems crazy because usually when me and my partner disagree, it turns into a fight?
- Or perhaps this seems crazy because as a child, I learned not to argue...?
- Or perhaps I am afraid that an argument will bring me down or even break us up...?
- But does it really have to be that way?
- What if you were in a Healthy Relationship where it was perfectly okay to have a different opinion about something important?
- Is that even possible? What do you think? Yes, with Critical Thinking.
- So remember, if it wasn't for argument, everyone might just be thinking the same things all the time. Everyone might eventually even have the same point of view. There would be no diversity of thought. It might even be illegal to have a point of view that is different from the Average point of view, or the Majority point of view.
- Without Argument and Critical Thinking we might not have the benefits of Diversity. Where would we be as a Society without a Diverse or a Minority Viewpoint? Finally, where would we as a People be without Diversity in our manners of thinking and in our bodies of knowledge?
Some Tools for Arguing include the following: Self Respect, Respect for others, Listening skills, Critical Thinking skills, Clear Respectful and Rational Communication, Patience, Collaboration skills, Negotiation skills, Willingness to consider Minority or Different Viewpoints, and even Compromise. And finally, one probably really needs to know one's self in order to argue in a healthy way.
- Accept that Argument is an almost inevitable part of Relationships. It's gonna happen.
- Know that the Purpose of an Argument is to Find Solutions Together. The Purpose of an Argument is NOT to Win. It is not about Winning or Losing or being Right or Wrong.
- Arguments are NOT about Venting either necessarily; however, we often feel better after we share our point of view on important matters. But it is important in an Argument to try and keep the emotions from taking over. It's often good to stay on point.
- Understanding the difference between Truths and Facts helps in Arguments. We each have our own Truths. But between us somewhere, lie the Facts. I might own my Truth. But I can never own the Facts. Because Truths are not Always FACTual. Truths are what each person believes to be True. Whereas FACTS are simply FACTS. They don't change much. And the Purpose of an Argument is often to learn what the FACTS are by Listening to Each Person's Truths. (Perhaps this is why in Court, the Judge asks you: "Do you swear to tell the TRUTH and nothing but the TRUTH, so help you GOD?" Rather than asking you if you will swear to tell the FACTS and nothing but the FACTS, so help you GOD?) Another Purpose of an Argument is to Discover Facts as gleaned from Truths. So it's important that we always respect and even Value our Partner's or the other person's Truths. In essence, we need to learn how to value the fact that the other person has a Truth; even if we disagree with it.
- Effective Arguments do not necessarily have Winners or Losers. An Effective Argument does not need to include Blame, Shame, Guilt, Exaggeration or Intimidation. Effective Arguments should almost always end in a positive, fulfilling way -- if possible. In other words, when an Argument ends; both parties should feel like they learned something new; or that something is finally settled -- or about to be settled.
- Arguments tend to have Rules. And the first Rule of Arguments is Respect. Successful Romantic Relationships (and Other Relationships); as well as productive, and healthy arguments; are all built on Respect. ALWAYS be Respectful toward your Partner (And Everyone Else too -- including yourself) -- especially if you are trying to argue about something.) Especially if you disagree. Proper Argument is always done in a Respectful Manner. If an Argument is NOT Respectful; then it is no longer an Argument. It then has become a Fight.
- Arguments are NOT Fights. Arguing is NOT Fighting. Fighting is one of the most Disrespectful things one person can do to another person or to themselves. Whereas a good Argument can be educative, enlightening, resourceful and even helpful -- and above all, a good Argument MUST BE Respectful at all times.
- One cannot really facilitate a healthy Argument in a rush either. Take your time. Make time to Argue.
- Always be sure to to identify the standards you are using for telling what indicates success in the argument. For example: Do NOT confuse Morals with the Law or what is Legal with Morality. In other words, what is Legal is not always Right. And what seems Right, is not always Legal. In other words, just being Right or Legal in an Argument does not necessarily win the Argument for both people; unless, that is the standard for a successful argument in that case. Because the goal is often to be BOTH Right (or good) and also Legal at the same time, for example.
- Try to argue about one point at a time. Don't mix points or time frames. If you are arguing about one thing, don't bring up another until this one is settled.
- A Point only becomes a Point if you both agree that it is point -- and that point belongs to both of you. No person gets more points than the other in a Personal Argument. The objective here is to settle differences; not to win. Now, in a Courtroom it's different to do it this way because the Judge (and/or the Jury) are frequently keeping score.
- "Avoid bringing up the past. When your partner comes to you with a concern or is upset, avoid bringing in the past as an example, to prove your point, or in an attempt to resolve the issue. ... (Much less to shame or intimidate your partner). (Dr. B. says, Don't bring up the past or exaggerations in order discount the other person's point and try to win; when in fact, the purpose is to solve things, not to win or lose.)
- Use positive pointing language. ... (Don't blame your partner -- Like "You always..... or You never...." etc.. Use "I" statements noticing positive qualities about your partner. Be sensitive to how both you and your partner are feeling during this argument. We don't want to create more damage than good.)
- Become a “we” ... (Like Partners -- or like a Team -- yeah... like a Couple!). Look at the solution as something "we" are seeing together, given the facts that have now been revealed through our truths and our argument.
- Claim your own role in the problem. ... (Take Responsibility and Accountability for what you have contributed to the problem. Be accountable.)
- Calm your nerves. ... (Deep Breathing helps, Grounding helps. Be patient. Try to Ralax. Try never to argue standing up. Sit down, listen and listen really well.) (Don't raise your voice).
- Don't leave -- or walk out on the argument if you can help it; unless it's getting abusive; or if it is time for you to take a Time Out. ... If nothing else, you can Stay there and listen Respectfully. Be Patient.
- Bring down the wall." (Be yourself). (Let your partner come past your defenses. (From: Jennine Estes, MFT (2012)).
*** Don't let your argument get the best of you. ***
"Argument Checklist", which suggests that the following questions be answered prior to arguing (Dr. B's Annotations are in Parentheses):
- "Is this subject worth arguing about? (Will it take an argument to solve this? Or do you simply need a friendly negotiation instead?)
- Have I gathered enough evidence to make an argument? (Have I established what the Truths are as well as what are probably the FACTS. Hence, is my argument going to be based in fact or in fiction?)
- Do I represent the views of my opponents in a way they would consider fair? (Would my partner agree with the way I am representing her or his View of the Situation? Or am I exaggeration or embellishing truths in order to sway opinions? Or am I missing crucial information?)
- Have I developed my argument logically? (Or am I just angry and venting? But seriously, does my argument flow from one point to the next without holes?)
- Is my use of evidence accurate? (Or am I minimizing or just exaggerating?)
- Have I tried to prove too much?" (Am I over-arguing in trying drive home the point?)
Sources: Webster's Dictionary Online.
Jennine Estes, MFT (2012) "How to Communicate During An Argument.""Rules for Argument: Make Your Argument Convincing" (University of Colorado, Denver).
"A Short Guide to Writing About History" Marius (1999).
(c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).
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