As Humans we typically have the ability to feel, think and do (or not do). We do it. Then we can choose to do it all over again in any given order. Hence, it makes sense to assume that when someone gets a DV Charge, he or she was feeling, thinking, and doing (in some order).
Yes, sometimes, we rationalize or excuse our behaviors by calling them reactions to someone or something else' actions; or by thinking we had no other choice. But even so, we still must be accountable for our actions when they cause physical, emotional or some other form of harm or inconvenience to others.
So What are We? Who are We -- Who are We Humans -- We Humans with Challenges -- We Humans with Challenges such as a Domestic Violence Offense and all that Follows?
“Ben Okri is a Nigerian poet and novelist. Okri is considered one of the foremost African authors in the post-modern and post-colonial traditions, and has been compared favorably to authors such as Salman Rushdie and Gabriel García Márquez" (Source).
"The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering" (Ben Okri).
Regardless of what we have done in our lives -- whether it was to make a Billion Dollars, Invent a Cure for COVID-19, Get a DV Offense, or otherwise; we still have those things that Okri mentioned. We each must still feel, think and behave. And when we behave -- (good or bad) -- we are doing -- and we are doing.
Domestic Violence Offenses frequently cause some sort of Trauma for the Victims and for the Witnesses. However, today, we are looking at that as well as at a different sort of Traumatization.
The Trauma Associated with Being a DV Offender:
I submit to you that DV Offenders also have Trauma in their lives. Many were Traumatized in their past -- childhood, or some other form. And many were also Traumatized by what happened in their relationships with the Victims -- possibly even prior to the offense. And some were even Traumatized by their own DV Offense(s) as well as the intervention carried out by Law Enforcement and/or the Courts.
- The fact that BOTH the Victims and the Perpetrators of DV have been Traumatized in no way excuses or justifies the harm that was done to the Victims and/or the Witnesses. As each of us goes through the process of living day to day, we must hold ourselves Accountable for things we have done in our lives.
At the same time, in order to Prevent any future Domestic Violence - related Feeling, Thinking or Doing / Behavior, we each must heal. We each must move through the process of acknowledging the pain in our lives and move forward toward Forgiveness, Hope and Confidence. This is the purpose of this week's lesson.
Ask yourself: "What is the process for someone to evolve from having committed a DV Offense; and to grow to a point to where they are able to come back whole and possibly even better than before?"
“Man's Search for Meaning is a 1946 book by Viktor Frankl chronicling his experiences as a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps during World War II, and describing his psychotherapeutic method, which involved identifying a purpose to each person's life through one of three ways: the completion of tasks, caring for another person, or finding meaning by facing suffering with dignity.
Frankl observed that among the fellow inmates in the concentration camp, those who survived were able to connect with a purpose in life to feel positive about, and then immersed themselves in imagining that purpose such as conversing with an (imagined) loved one. According to Frankl, the way a prisoner imagined the future affected his longevity.
The book intends to answer the question "How was everyday life in a concentration camp reflected in the mind of the average prisoner?" Part One constitutes Frankl's analysis of his experiences in the concentration camps, while Part Two introduces his ideas of meaning and his theory called logotherapy.
According to a survey conducted by the Book-of-the-Month Club and the Library of Congress, Man's Search for Meaning belongs to a list of "the ten most influential books in the United States."[1] At the time of the author's death in 1997, the book had sold over 10 million copies and had been translated into 24 languages” (Source).
A Few Sincere and Relatively Serious Questions to Ponder while one is in Search of Meaningful Answers on the Journey from a DV Offense, to feeling really bad and perhaps even like a Victim of the System; and then to the point of Hope and Confidence and moving forward in a positive and constructive way:
- What have the various Trauma(s) in my life been like for me?
- What has the Trauma of my DV Offense probably been like for the Victim?
- What has the Trauma of my DV Offense probably been like for the Witness(es)?
- What has the Trauma of my DV Offense probably been like for other third Parties involved such as Police, Jailers, Attorneys, Probation Officers, Treatment Providers, friends, employers and others?
- In what ways have I been in Denial related to this process?
- In what ways have I played, or actually been a Victim in this process?
- In what ways have I been Grieving during this process?
- In what ways have I experienced Sorrow during this process?
- In what ways have I experienced Anger during this process?
- In what ways have I experienced Bargaining (or tried to change the outcome in my mind) during this process?
- In what ways have I experienced Shame, the Fears and the Unknowns during this process?
- In what ways have I experienced Depression during this process?
- In what ways have I experienced Anxiety, Nervousness or Panic during this process?
- In what ways have I experienced a full Acceptance of the Consequences and Forgiveness of the Others Involved during this process?
- In what ways have I experienced Forgiveness for My Self during this process?
- This is a place in my mind / my soul that could be a great place to make some lasting positive changes -- More Peace / Less Anger -- hopefully. It is assumed that One has to forgive his or her self in order to move on in a positive way and to successfully navigate his or her new World.
- In what ways have I experienced (given and/or received) Apology -- as in Apologizing to Others Effected; as well as Apologizing to My Self; or being Open and Able to Hear Someone Else' Apology during this process?
- In what ways have I experienced Opportunity (for good or bad) during this process?
- In what ways have I experienced moving beyond my truths and my rationalizations and my excuses and reasons, toward my Acceptance of FACT(s) during this process?
- In what ways have I experienced A Sense of Helplessness during this process?
- In what ways have I experienced Humility or Humbleness during this process?
- In what ways have I experienced Survival and/or Survivorship during this process?
- In what ways have I experienced Gratitude during this process?
- In what ways have I experienced Acceptance of My Self (My Past Self, My Present Self and My Future Self) during this process?
- In what ways have I experienced Accountability (Holding My Self Accountable) during this process?
- In what ways have I experienced Re-Birth or Renewal or a "Do-Over" or a "Gimme" during this process?
- In what ways have I experienced Confidence (in light of realizing the fact that I am Human and Humans are Imperfect) during this process?
- In what ways have I experienced Hope and/or Faith that "everything will eventually work out" during this process?
- (Ben Okri: "“Ben Okri OBE FRSL is a Nigerian poet and novelist. Okri is considered one of the foremost African authors in the post-modern and post-colonial traditions, and has been compared favourably to authors such as Salman Rushdie and Gabriel García Márquez. Wikipedia” (Source).
- "30 Quotes on Forgiveness" (Source).
(c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All
information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual
and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly,
L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).
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