To Love, Honor and Cherish: Would A More Thorough Understanding Of These Words Help Prevent Domestic Violence?

  Somewhere during my lifetime, the traditional American Wedding Vows changed in a significant way -- at one time, the Men promised to "Love, Honor and Cherish for as long as we both shall live".  Meanwhile, the Women -- in the spirit of their historical oppression; would promise to "Love, Honor and Obey for as long as we both shall live."  

  Of course, many different Cultures and Sub-Cultures throughout the World have different traditions related to Marriage and Coupledom.

  These days, some couples -- rather than taking there time, Courting, Sparking, becoming Engaged, and then finally getting married; Many Postmodern Couples appear to fall in love at warp speed; then just casually head off down the road of the trials and tribulations of Cohabitation, Common-Law Marriage and perhaps even Partnership.  Still for what seems to be too many, there are couples who only weeks after meeting each other-- and without so much as meeting each others' families or friends -- decide to take one kind of plunge or another, and with such rapid moves that even a roadrunner couldn't catch them.

  It's almost like sometimes, we are so desperate for what we think is Love, that we will settle in a heartbeat for companionship with almost any willing candidate, or someone good-looking.  And they will venture in with optimism as long as the Sex is good, the Money is plenty, the Social Status is tolerable, and/or perhaps, we just think they could make a real nice Trophy.

  While this path often leads to a lifetime of Bliss; it also has hundreds of thousands of times, led to Tragedy.  

  And perhaps the worst part of these arrangements is that -- Married or NOT -- while many Men and Women sometimes suffer enormously following Break-Ups; when there are children involved; it is quite frequently the children who suffer the most; and this kind of childhood trauma can sometimes last for a Lifetime,

  It is clear that many things have changed around the Human Rituals related to Coupling, Mating and Procreation.  One broadly-practiced alteration -- quite possibly happening due to the post-WW2 Baby-Boom, followed by the Divorce-Boom, and then what some call "The Breakdown of the American Family" -- is that many people these days simply do not get married anymore.  Whereas, in the 1960's, it was considered Taboo to have a child out of Wedlock.  Well, now....  you know what I mean.

  While this essay is not intended to promote marriage; one wonders how many lives might be changed for the better if more Couples made their actual, witnessed -- and even Licensed -- Marriage Vows Together; rather than just Shacking Up together.  

  What do you think?

Some History About the Idea of: To Love, Honor and Cherish:

  It’s almost a no-brainer to assume that people have been making commitments to each other in one form or another for a very long time.

  “In the time of the Roman Empire (17 BC – 476 AD) the lower classes had "free" marriages. The bride's father would deliver her to the groom, and the two agreed that they were wed, and would keep the vow of marriage by mutual consent. Wealthy Romans, though, would sign documents listing property rights to publicly declare that their union was legalized and not a common law marriage. This was the beginning of the official recording of marriage”

  "Some Traditional Wedding Vows (in Western Civilization) can be traced back to the manuals of the medieval church. In England, there were manuals of the dioceses of Salisbury (Sarum) and York. The compilers of the first Book of Common Prayer, published in 1549, based its marriage service mainly on the Sarum manual” (Source).  It should also be noted that the Jews, Hindus and Buddhists also have their Wedding Vows.  Even persons of non-religious, Atheist or secular persuasions Vows such as, “I promise to love, respect, protect, and trust you. I promise to give you the best of myself, because I know that together we will build a life far better than either of us could imagine alone. I choose you. I'll choose you over and over and over again, and I'll keep choosing you” (Source).

One thing for sure is that "To Love, Honor and Cherish" means different things to different people.

  The History of the traditional Wedding Vows according to one Author's Perspective goes as follows:

  "Once upon a time, thankfully not ours, women were considered property. Marriage contracts were usually a financial transaction. A lot of bargaining would take place before a marriage to settle on the bride price, with the poor female the pawn of it all. They had little choice in the matter of whom they would marry. "Love is for the poor for they do not care if they starve, because they already are", was the belief.

  When they were led down to the altar, they would seem to be so docile. The truth is that some were usually drugged so that they wouldn't run away. The practice of being veiled was embraced as a way that the groom wouldn't see the bride's tears. The women would have to say out loud that they would love, honor and OBEY the man who now was their husband and that was that.

  Thanks to women's lib, this is no longer the case. The ladies may choose their mates, be it for financial gain or for love; maybe even both. They are considered equal partners of the men they will marry and as such the vows have been changed to love, honor and cherish.

  Of course, you don't need to use those vows either. You can make your vows completely personal and from the heart. It can make your wedding more memorable for both of you. Just check first with your officiant if you can go ahead and do this, some may be really strict and insist on the basic vows (though they are rare)" (Graham, Lesley-Ann, 2006).

  On the other hand, About Marriage, more traditionally speaking in this culture, The Holy Bible offers a number of ideas about such to many whom it has guided in the practices of Love and Marriage over the past two Millennia.  Two passages that seem to go together are as follows: 

"Ephesians 5:25: "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her." 9. Genesis 2:24: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.""

 

Does it Really Make a Difference Whether or not we are Married When it Comes to Domestic Violence or Family Violence?

  Does it really make a difference if people are Married or Living Together?  That is a question for the Ages.  One bit of information regarding this comes from "REWIRE" and Author, Katie Moritz (2018), who wrote an article titled: “How Domestic Violence is Different for Unmarried Couples”.  It reads: 

  "Maybe you've heard the statistic: one in three women and one in four men will experience domestic violence. It's a reminder of how very common it is to find yourself in a violent situation with someone you trusted. But with fewer and fewer people getting married these days, shouldn't domestic violence rates be going down, too?

  Sadly, no. The vast majority of reported domestic assaults actually take place between boyfriends and girlfriends. Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania discovered that more than 80 percent of incidents of domestic violence reported to the Philadelphia police in 2013 happened between current or former unmarried couples.

  These relationships were also more violent than those between married couples.

   “Current boyfriends or girlfriends were more likely than current spouses to injure their victims,” said researcher Susan B. Sorenson, director of Penn’s Evelyn Jacobs Ortner Center on Family Violence, in a news release about the research.

  "They were more likely to push and shove, to grab, to punch," Sorenson explained. "They were more likely to strangle—some pretty awful behaviors toward a partner. They were also more likely to use a knife, a bat or another kind of weapon.  We were not expecting to find this."  (https://www.rewire.org/domestic-violence/).

  

One Wonders: Why might this be this way?  Perhaps one reason for this is because Couples who are not married have yet to make such Vows to each other such as to Love, Honor and Cherish -- which can be made with or without a Church Wedding.  One benefit of marrying within a Church (in some cases) is that couples are encouraged to learn about Marriage before getting married.  Or for example, in Texas they wave part of the Marriage License Fee if Couples under go several Educational-Counseling sessions prior to the Wedding.

 

  So it could be that one possible key to a Safe and Happy Relationship would be some sort of Vow, a Covenant, a Contract, or at least some Promises between.  Perhaps making some sort of agreement with each other could be helpful.

  It could be that the Psychology of this phenomenon is that many humans tend to work better -- or to become better partners -- when there is an understanding that this is a Long-Term Relationship with Clear Expectations and Boundaries; as opposed to it being just a temporary Arrangement of Convenience.  

So If We Are Going To Live Together; Should We Commit To Love, Honor and Cherish -- Even if we are Not Married?  Perhaps so.. that is if we are going to be together, Right?

   Regardless of Married or Not -- and particularly when a Couple decides to bring a child into the world -- we should probably at least commit To Love, Honor and Cherish each other.  Otherwise -- with exception of purely Sexually Recreational Relationships; why would we be having sex, living together and even having children; if we cannot make meaningful commitment to each other?  Even though this is not necessarily a very meaningful commitment for some people.

  Another important questions is that If we are going to have kids; yet there is no commitment; is it healthy for the kids?  Some say that even if we are not married; but we had children together, and then we split up; we should still love, honor and cherish our co-parent(s) -- For the children's sake.  What do you think of that?  

Back to the Basics of Love, Honor and Cherish:

  Think about the basic terms of Love, Honor and Cherish.  What do they mean?  More importantly, What Do They Mean To You?  And What Do They Mean To Your Partner?  

  If we are getting married; it is quite possible that we are going to think carefully about these terms (to Love, Honor and Cherish); prior to taking the Vows.  And if I think more clearly about this before-hand, am I not less likely to make a mistake of marrying the wrong person?

What does it mean, To Love?

"“Love encompasses a range of strong and positive emotional and mental states, from the most sublime virtue or good habit, to the deepest interpersonal affection, to the simplest pleasure.” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love)

According to the dictionary, love is "an intense feeling of deep affection."

Meanwhile, Urban Dictionary defines love as, "The act of caring and giving to someone else. Having someone's best interest and wellbeing as a priority in your life. To truly love is a very selfless act."  (Source)."

According to Dr. B., Love is the Ability and the Willingness to Accept someone for the way they are Right Now, and in the Future and on and on and on .

 

What does it mean, To Honor?  (Why is this a part of the Wedding Vows?)

"“Honour or honor is the idea of a bond between an individual and a society as a quality of a person that is both of social teaching and of personal ethos, that manifests itself as a code of conduct, and has various elements such as valour, chivalry, honesty, and compassion.” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honour).

According to Eagle Family Ministries: “The strength in “honor” is in its definition. As defined by Webster, it is as high respect, esteem, and exalted title or rank. In practical terms, that means to recognize the worth of our spouse and decide to cherish them as a treasure they are. Honor instructs us to put our other half ahead of ourselves and others (The only seat higher than our spouse is God). Also, it is giving them the very best version of you, instead of giving that to others.  Last, but not least, it is “the little things” that we do every day that builds honor in marriage” (Eagle Family Ministries.  Source.)

 

What does it mean, To Cherish?

"To hold dear : feel or show affection for.  To keep or cultivate with care and affection.  To nurture."  (Source).

Important Questions to Ask Yourself -- and possibly to ask your Partner -- especially before you make a long-term Commitment:

  So what does it take to successfully love, honor and cherish someone -- how does it all start? To begin this process we probably need to answer some questions.  Perhaps, we first need to learn how to do these things for our Selves -- To Love My Self, To Honor My Self, and To Cherish My Self...  Then, once we can do that, we can begin to ask the following in a serious way regarding our intentions as they relate to our prospective partner:

>>> Am I definitely ready to Love, Honor and Cherish My Partner?

>>> Am I truly able to Love, Honor and Cherish My Partner?

>>> Do I really want to Love, Honor and Cherish My Partner?

Then, we might get to the following questions: 

>>> Does this other person wish to Love, Honor and Cherish me --  And.... are they truly Able and Ready and Willing to do this with me?

Note: If we BOTH are Ready, Able and Willing to Love, Honor and Cherish each other.... there is a possibility that our relationship will be good.

>>> >>> >>>  AND does it feel as if we Can BOTH go on like this .... For Ever and Ever and For Ever as Long as We BOTH Shall Live.   (Think about it....)

  And Remember: If the other person is not Ready, Willing and Able to Love, Honor and Cherish you; it may not be about you at all.  More so, it may be about the fact that they are not yet Ready, Willing and Able to Love, Honor and Cherish themselves....

  And then there are cases where we have totally different definitions of these words.  This is why it can be a good thing to talk about it ahead of time; rather than rushing into it... 

  Until we get to this point in our Relationships (as described above, where we are Ready, Willing and Able to Love, Honor, and Cherish); perhaps we should just settle for Dating the person(s) to whom we feel attracted; rather than marrying or shacking up with them?  

  This way, perhaps fewer people might get hurt.

Discussion Questions: 

  How might our World change if we held ourselves to a standard that says: We would only want to live with, or marry someone, or have children with them if we are truly ready, willing and able to Love, Honor and Cherish them for life?  

Or..

  How might our World change if we held ourselves to a standard that says, we would only want to live with, or marry someone, or have children with them if they were also ready, willing and able to Love, Honor and Cherish us for ever and ever?

  Oh... But that take some more time, doesn't it...?  Hence, Patience really is a Virtue for those who value a Peaceful Home...

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Music:

It's Too Late Baby (Carol King)

Where is the Love (Roberta Flack & Donny Hathaway)

There is Love (Peter, Paul and Mary)

Cherish (The Association)

I Love You Baby (Frankie Valli)

Cherish (Cool & the Gang)

Do Ya Do Ya Want My Love (ELO)

Want Somebody to Love (Queen)

Sources: 

https://ezinearticles.com/?Love,-Honor-and-Obey-The-History-Of-Wedding-Vows&id=215344

https://www.rewire.org/domestic-violence/

https://www.eaglefamily.org/honor-build-achieve-marriage/#:~:text=As%20defined%20by%20Webster%2C%20it,than%20our%20spouse%20is%20God

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_vows#:~:text=The%20oldest%20traditional%20wedding%20vows,mainly%20on%20the%20Sarum%20manual.

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/a26857708/definition-of-love/

https://www.minted.com/wedding-ideas/wedding-vows/secular#:~:text=I%20promise%20to%20love%2C%20respect,'ll%20keep%20choosing%20you.%E2%80%9D

Using Gratitude for Healthier Relationships and Prevention of Domestic Violence

  “The word gratitude comes from the Latin root gratus, meaning “pleasing; welcome; agreeable.” Gratus is also the root of related terms such as grace, gratuity and gratis, all signifying positive moods, actions and ideas” (Source).

A Brief History of Thankfulness and Gratitude:

  Whether at home during our childhood, at school as we learn and grow, within our religions, our clubs, our traditions, our associations, our teams, our Tribes, our cultures, out on the streets, in churches, and even at work, and in adult personal relationships; we learn about Gratefulness and Thankfulness and the many values of such.  

  Further, the practices of Gratitude and Thankfulness go back possibly 3,200 years or more among Humans.  For example: In the Torah, the Hebrew Bible which largely forms the Old Testament of the "Bible" one will find the concept of Gratefulness.  Also, the Buddhist Tradition includes forms of Gratitude and Thankfulness going back 3,500 years.  And per one interpretation of Islam for Muslims, "God mentions thankfulness even before belief in Him."  In Islam, dating back about 1,300 years, "The Concept of Gratefulness in Islam, as one author explains: "one of our foremost duties is to be grateful to God for all of His blessings. We can describe three levels of thankfulness:  To realize and appreciate all blessings by and within the heart.  To say thanks with the tongue.  and To express gratitude by doing righteous deeds” (Source).

  Regardless of one's Religious beliefs; it seems that the Tradition of Human Thankfulness and Gratitude dates back at least 3,500 years and probably much further among various Indigenous Tribes throughout the World including the Navajo and even the Celtic.  Hence, it is logical to assume that there must be some benefits for Humans in realizing and expressing their thoughts and feelings around Thankfulness and Gratefulness.   

  In other words, if Humans have been Thankful and/or Grateful for thousands of years, it is quite possibly a good thing, and an important thing to learn about as we mature. 

What good does it do for us to feel Thankful?  How does Gratefulness help us?  

  It seems reasonable to assume that if we are spending more time feeling Thankful or Grateful, then we are quite possibly spending less time feeling angry or feeling cheated.

  It also seems that if we are spending more time and energy expressing our Thankfulness or our Gratitude, then we are spending less time expressing resentment, bitterness or hatred.  

  Which type of person would you rather spend your time with: 

  A person who is frequently feeling Angry or Bitter, and acting Resentful and/or Hateful; or a person who is frequently feeling Thankful or Grateful and acting Humble and/or Appreciative?

  Finally, Which type of person would you rather be: Thankful and Grateful -- even for the little things in life; Or Ungrateful?

As for the Evolution of Gratitude:   

  Psychologist Malinia Suchak of the Greater Good Science Center suggests: 

  “Plenty of research shows the benefit of saying thank you, as well as of other expressions of gratitude. Gratitude is one of the fundamentally important parts of human life, and comparative psychologists like myself are always interested in where these things come from, in the grand scheme of things. How did we as humans end up as a species for whom gratitude is as much a part of our social relationships as gossip?

  It turns out this question is centuries old, with Darwin himself suggesting that humans and other animals share the “same emotions, even the more complex ones such as jealousy, suspicion, emulation, gratitude, and magnanimity.” And—at least for gratitude—some initial research by my colleagues and I suggests that Darwin might be right” (https://gratefulness.org/resource/the-evolution-of-gratitude/).”

 

Is Being Thankful and/or Grateful Good For You?

  It seems logical to assume that being Thankful and being Grateful for the good things in life and in relationships is good for us in a number of ways.  

  In the field of Positive Psychology, there has already been a good bit of research done on the benefits of Gratitude:  

"Research shows that gratitude can:

•  Gratitude can Help you make friends. One study found that thanking a new acquaintance makes them more likely to seek a more lasting relationship with you.
•  <<<_____>>>

•  Gratitude can Improve your physical health. People who exhibit gratitude report fewer aches and pains, a general feeling of health, more regular exercise, and more frequent checkups with their doctor than those who don’t.
•  <<<_____>>>

•  Gratitude can Improve your psychological health. Grateful people enjoy higher wellbeing and happiness and suffer from reduced symptoms of depression.
•  <<<_____>>>

•  Gratitude can Enhance empathy and reduces aggression. Those who show their gratitude are less likely to seek revenge against others and more likely to behave in a prosocial manner, with sensitivity and empathy.
•  <<<_____>>>

•  Gratitude can Improve your sleep.  Practicing gratitude regularly can help you sleep longer and better.  (Better sleep to a clearer mind..).
•  <<<_____>>>

•  Gratitude can Enhance your self-esteem. People who are grateful have increased self-esteem, partly due to their ability to appreciate other peoples’ accomplishments.
•  <<<_____>>>

•  Gratitude can Increase mental strength. Grateful people have an advantage in overcoming trauma and enhanced resilience, helping them to bounce back from highly stressful situations. (Morin, 2014).  (https://positivepsychology.com/gratitude-exercises/)."
• <<<_____>>> 

 

  According to Chowdhury, (2020), "The Neuroscience of Gratitude and How it Affects Anxiety and Grief"; "In its simplest form, gratitude refers to a ‘state of thankfulness’ or a ‘state of being grateful’."

  Chowdhury (2020) also reports that: 

• "Gratitude impacts on mental and physical well-being. Positive psychology and mental health researchers in the past few decades have established an overwhelming connection between gratitude and good health.  Keeping a gratitude journal causes less stress, improves the quality of sleep, and builds emotional awareness (Seligman, Steen, Park and Peterson, 2005).
• <<<_____>>> 

•   Further, Chowdhury explains that:  "In positive psychology, gratitude is the human way of acknowledging the good things of life. Psychologists have defined gratitude as a positive emotional response that we perceive on giving or receiving a benefit from someone (Emmons & McCullough, 2004)."
• <<<_____>>> 

•   Gratitude is positively correlated to more vitality, energy, and enthusiasm to work harder."  Chowdhury wrote that: "Thanking others, thanking ourselves, Mother Nature, or the Almighty – gratitude in any form can enlighten the mind and make us feel happier. It has a healing effect on us. (Russell and Fosha, 2008). (Chowdury, 2020)"
• <<<_____>>> 

 

• Chowdhury also explains: 

•   "There are different types of benefits one gets from being Grateful.  For example, one gets Psychological Benefits for "A Happier You", Physical Benefits for "A Fitter You", and Social benefits for "A Better You".
• <<<_____>>>

•   In a Neuro-scientific way, Gratitude reportedly helps neurotransmitters to produce substances that help improve one's mental health.
• <<<_____>>>

•   That "Gratitude Brings Happiness."  Further, Gratitude "Improves Interpersonal Relationships".
• <<<_____>>>

•   "Gratitude can improve Relationships: "Couple studies have also indicated that partners who expressed their thankfulness to each other often, could sustain their relationships with mutual trust, loyalty, and had long-lasting happy relationships."
• <<<_____>>>

•   "Gratitude helps promote Optimism, Selflessness, Spirituality, Empathy and Self-Esteem. In turn, these sensations may lead one toward True Happiness." (Chowdhury, 2020) 
• <<<_____>>>

The Gratitude Journal Exercise: 

  Chowdhury (2020) also suggests that people practice something Simple, such as keeping a "Gratitude Journal".  "Gratitude journaling is the habit of recording and reflecting on things (typically three) that you are grateful for on a regular basis. ... Keeping a gratitude journal is a popular practice in positive psychology - the scientific study of happiness."

  Below is a Gratitude Journal model offered by TherapistAide.com (2015) that has been adapted for Prevention of Domestic Violence: 

Title: "Why I’m Grateful" (Complete the sentence of 3 or more of these...):

• I am grateful for my Life because... _______________ ...

• I am grateful for the Life of my Partner because... _______________ ...

• I am grateful for my family and my children because... _______________ ...

• Something good that my Partner and I shared this week was... _______________ ... 

• I am grateful for my work because... _______________ ...

• Something silly that I am grateful for... _______________ ...

• Something else that I am grateful for … _______________ ...

  Think about it: How might taking a moment to think about questions related to our Thankfulness or our Gratefulness such as those above be good for us and for our interpersonal relationships?  What might be some benefits of this to us?

• It's Easy to do.  And it's FREE Too!
• It Only takes a few minutes per week, perhaps...
• It Might help me develop a Better Attitude.
• This could help us build stronger bonds.
• Could give me Better Understanding of a lot of things.
• Gratefulness helps me let go of Negative Emotions.
• It might improve my Health.
• Just being able to Appreciate what I have around me can be a blessing in and of itself.  What I actually have could be a blessing too especially once I realize it.
• It could help me feel better about myself.
• It Might make me seem like I am a nicer person if I am Grateful.  I might seem to be Thankful too.
• Gratefulness Helps in New Relationships; and in More Mature Relationships alike.
• Provides us with New more Positive things to Discuss with Our Loved Ones and with Strangers too.
• Doing so regularly Could Help me Build More Confidence in Myself.
• It Might even help me to Express More Gratitude to my Partner over time.  My Gratefulness could help my Partner feel better about herself or himself also help them feel more positive about our relationship.
• It May help me to feel less resentment and less anger about the negative things in my life and in my past.
• Gratefulness quite possibly Helps me to be more energetic and more positive at my Work -- It might help me perform better as well.
• Gratitude might make me a Better Person.

Discussion Question: 

  For example, It stands to reason that if we are more aware of the things in a Relationship and in Life that we can be Grateful for or Thankful for; that we would then perhaps be at least a little more humble in our relationships; and that some degree of humbleness or humility can possibly help lead us to being better Partners in Relationships; hence we could have Happier and Healthier Relationships.  

  What are some other possible ways that Gratitude or Thankfulness might help us to have Healthier and Happier Relationships?

   

  * Please CLICK HERE to Complete Your Gratitude & 

Thankfulness for Healthy Relationships Worksheet. *

Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  

*** Also, please Click Here complete your Session Feedback Form for today's Session.

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Thank you.  And have a nice day.

Music:  

  "Blue Sky" (The Allman Brothers Band).

  "Good Day Sunshine" (The Beatles).

  "I Want To Thank You!!!"  (ZZ Top).

  "How Sweet It Is To Be Loved By You" (Marvin Gaye).

  "Tupelo Honey" (Tupelo Honey).

  "Thank You." (Led Zepplin).

  "Peaceful Easy Feeling" (The Eagles)

  "Heard it in a Love Song" (The Marshall Tucker Band)

Sources: 

  (Chowdhury, M. R. (7/22/20) From: "The Neuroscience of Gratitude and how if Effects Anxiety and Grief".  Retrieved for Gratitude Therapy.)

  (Kandler, M. (9/6/2018).  From: Retrieved 7/22/2020, from: "What is a Gratitude Journal?'  Happy Feed.) 

  https://marytn.medium.com/the-concept-of-thankfulness-in-islam-b16e9e40332a#:~:text=Gratitude%20in%20Islam%20is%20a%20form%20of%20worship.&text=Being%20ungrateful%20to%20God%20is,most%20of%20them%20are%20ungrateful.&text=And%20be%20grateful%20for%20the,is%20He%20Whom%20you%20worship.

 

  (Morin, 2014).  (https://positivepsychology.com/gratitude-exercises/).

  (TherapistAid.com, 2015)

  https://www.forbes.com/sites/luisromero/2017/11/22/gratitude-the-ultimate-spiritual-practice-a-thanksgiving-special/?sh=15a9c2222706

(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

Recent Reports of Domestic Violence Around the World: What Would You Do in Order to Prevent DV If ......... Manifested in Your Relationship??? Creating Equality Now and After.

Boy oh Boy... do we have a problem here or WHAT ?!?!?!  

  Things ain't looking too good from where I am sitting.  I mean... I got plenty to do as a person who has been a soldier in the War against Family Violence for almost three decades.  But it's not supposed to be getting worse.  It's supposed to be getting better.

  Seems every other day, some big-time Domestic Violence Story is breaking in the NEWS.  

  What is happening to us?

  One thing for sure is that there tend to be at least TWO SIDES to every story.

  But seriously, is Domestic Violence really increasing in the U.S.A.?

  What do you think.  If so, why do you think this is happening?  

Check out these Recent Headlines:  

"US Weekly: Angelina Jolie Details Ex-Husband Brad Pitt’s Alleged Domestic Violence in New Court Documents.“  "Celebrity Exes Crushing Co-parenting"

The filing, submitted on Friday, March 12, indicates that both the Maleficent alum, 45 (Jolie), and her children are willing to offer “proof and authority in support” of their claims against Pitt, 57.  Jolie has agreed to provide testimony herself, along with the “testimony of minor children,” according to the court documents.

All of Jolie and the Once Upon a Time…In Hollywood star’s children — Maddox, 19, Pax, 17, and Zahara, 16, Shiloh, 14, and twins Knox and Vivienne, 12, could freely speak out in court in their divorce hearings.

“If Angelina has more documentation to prove domestic violence towards her or the children, she can submit it as a supplemental offer to prove in trial,” family law expert and Ideal Legal Group, Inc. founder Evie P. Jeang tells Us. “She can say these are the documentation in addition to what she already presented. This could mean it’s a more recent instance (of domestic violence), or further documentation related to what was presented before.”

A source close to Pitt tells US Weekly the filing is nothing more than an attempt to “hurt” the actor.

“Over the past four and a half years there have been a number of claims made by Angelina that have been reviewed and not substantiated,” the insider says. “The children have been used by Angelina to hurt Brad before and this is more of that behavior. This leaking of documents by her fourth or fifth set of lawyers has been done to hurt Brad."”

https://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/angelina-jolie-details-brad-pitts-alleged-domestic-violence/

 

What reportedly happened here ---  What REALLY HAPPENED HERE?

How is This DV??? 

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BBC: China court orders man to pay wife for housework in landmark case

February 24, 2021

“A Beijing divorce court has ordered a man to compensate his wife for the housework she did during their marriage, in a landmark ruling.

The woman will receive 50,000 yuan ($7,700; £5,460) for five years of unpaid labour.

The case has generated a huge debate online over the value of domestic work, with some saying the compensation amount was too little.

The ruling comes after China's introduction of a new civil code.

According to court records, the man identified by his surname Chen had filed for divorce last year from his wife, surnamed Wang, after getting married in 2015.

She was reluctant to divorce at first, but later requested financial compensation, arguing that Chen had not shouldered any housework or childcare responsibilities for their son.

Beijing's Fangshan District Court ruled in her favour, ordering him to pay her monthly alimony of 2,000 yuan, as well as the one-off payment of 50,000 yuan for the housework she has done.

The presiding judge told reporters on Monday that the division of a couple's joint property after marriage usually entails splitting tangible property. "But housework constitutes intangible property value," said the judge.

The ruling was made according to the new civil code in the country, which came into effect this year. Under the new law, a spouse is entitled to seek compensation in a divorce if he or she bears more responsibility in child raising, caring for elderly relatives, and assisting partners in their work.

Previously, divorcing spouses could only request such compensation if a prenuptial agreement had been signed - an uncommon practice in China.

On social media, the case sparked heated debate, with a related hashtag on microblogging platform Weibo viewed more than 570 million times.

Some social media users pointed out that 50,000 yuan for five years' of work was too little. "I'm a bit speechless, the work of a full-time housewife is being underestimated. In Beijing, hiring a nanny for a year costs more than 50,000 yuan," said one commenter.” 

What reportedly happened here ---  What REALLY HAPPENED HERE?

How is This DV??? 

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"Indianapolis quadruple homicide started after argument over stimulus check, court docs show"

Lawrence Andrea, Indianapolis Star

“INDIANAPOLIS – The man accused of killing three adults and a 7-year-old girl in Indianapolis on Saturday night told police he began shooting everyone inside a home after an argument over a stimulus check, court records show.

Malik Halfacre, 25, was taken into custody a day after police say he shot and killed Anthony Johnson, 35; Dequan Moore, 23; Eve Moore, 7; and Tomeeka Brown, 44.

A survivor of the shooting – who family said shared a daughter with Halfacre – was shot in the back during the incident and directed police to the residence Saturday night.

Halfacre said in an interview with police that he and his daughter's mother "were arguing because he wanted some of her stimulus check," according to a probable cause affidavit.

He told investigators that, after he shot everyone inside the home, he took the money and his daughter's mother's purse and car before leaving.”

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2021/03/16/indianapolis-shooting-over-stimulus-check-argument-malik-halfacre/4719076001/

 

What reportedly happened here ---  What REALLY HAPPENED HERE???

How is This DV???  

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LONDON — “She was just walking home. Now women are sharing their 'grief and distress' to force change.    (Yasmine Salam, Nathalie Emmanuel)

"She was just walking home.

The death of Sarah Everard, who was last seen walking on a busy south London street just after 9:30 p.m. March 3, has gripped the United Kingdom.

Police confirmed Friday that a body found by investigators Wednesday was that of the 33-year-old marketing executive, and that Wayne Couzens, an elite officer with London Metropolitan Police’s diplomatic protection command, had been charged with her murder.

Commenting on the arrest, Police Commissioner Cressida Dick said Wednesday that the case had sent “waves of shock and anger” through the public and the entire force. “We are utterly appalled at this dreadful news,” she said. “Our job is to patrol the streets and to protect people.”

The case has also set off calls for action on male violence against women and girls, and a change in the dialogue that surrounds it.

While the search for Everard was underway, thousands of women shared stories online about the abuse and fears they have experienced on streets in Britain, where more than 70 percent of women have been sexually harassed in public, according to a 2019 United Nations study.

Among those to speak out was the “Game of Thrones” actress Nathalie Emmanuel, who talked about “the countless times” she had faced “predatory behavior by men,” in a Twitter thread.

In an Instagram Story "Bridgerton” star Regé-Jean Page said: “Who are we not mentioning in this equation? It’s us. It’s men.”

“The grief and distress from women reacting to what happened to Sarah Everard shows just how differently women experience public space compared to men,” Andrea Simon, director of the End Violence Against Women campaign group, told NBC News.

“We rarely hear about what drives perpetrators to harm women and what needs to be put in place to stop this behavior,” she added.

Women in London were nearly twice as likely as men to mention personal safety as a barrier to walking and using public transport, according to a 2019 report by the Centre for London think tank.

Everard’s disappearance has shined a light on a double standard that exists: Women are expected to adapt their behavior to reduce personal risk, which in turn fuels a “victim-blaming culture” and detracts attention from male actions, Simon said.

“The thing that is depressing about this whole discussion is, too often, I think women are told not to go out alone after dark. I just can't even imagine the outrage if men were told that,” Anna Yearley, executive director of Reprieve, a legal action NGO, said. “Why should the onus be on women?”

“You realize just how normal these things have become. We've sort of been conditioned as women to always be nervous when we're on the streets,” she added.

Admitting that the city was not safe for women and girls, London Mayor Sadiq Khan told the local LBC radio station that “it was really important that people of my gender understand that.”

Jenny Jones, a member of Britain’s House of Lords, also suggested that all men should adhere to a 6 p.m. curfew.

Some men have said they were being unfairly portrayed, using the #NotAllMen hashtag on Twitter, although others have asked what they can do to reduce the anxiety women feel when walking alone at night.

That has spurred an outpouring of advice online from women, who have shared suggestions for how men can make their presence feel less uncomfortable — by doing things like crossing the street instead of staying behind a woman late at night, and speaking up if they witness bad behavior.

“Men can be amazing allies in this and can really help shift the narrative,” Yearley said.

Having earlier planned vigils in cities across the country, including the south London neighborhood where Everard disappeared, the “Reclaim These Streets” group which organized the events said in a statement Saturday, that they would hold a virtual gathering instead.

On Friday, a judge at London's High Court refused to intervene on behalf of the group in a legal challenge over the right to gather for a protest during coronavirus restrictions.

Instead, the group said it planned to raise money for women's causes.”

https://news.yahoo.com/she-vanished-london-street-now-093919622.html

What reportedly happened here ---  What REALLY HAPPENED HERE???

How is This DV???  

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“Florida man accused of murdering wife after telling police she is 'swimming with the fishes'  

Mary Stella Gomez-Mullet originally went missing on Feb. 20 

(FLORIDA  Published March 6) 

Boyton Beach Police arrested 66-year-old Roberto Colon for first-degree murder Friday in the death of his wife, Mary Stella Gomez-Mullet, who went missing on Feb. 20.

Officers originally searched Colon's property on Feb. 21 after a friend told them that she was on the phone with Gomez-Mullet just days before she went missing and it sounded like someone attacked her, WPEC reports.

As detectives were leaving Colon's home that day, he reportedly shouted at them that his wife was "swimming with the fishes" and they needed to "find the body, find the body," according to the local news station.

Roberto Colon, 66, is being held at the Palm Beach county jail on one charge of first-degree murder and two marijuana charges. He is accused of killing his wife.  

Police found human remains at Colon's property Friday.

He is facing one count of first-degree murder and two marijuana charges.

Colon told police that he married Gomez-Mullet just weeks after meeting her in exchange for citizenship and to take care of his mother, according to WPEC.

"Our heartfelt condolences are with Mary’s family and loved ones," Police Chief Michael G. Gregory said Friday. "We remain dedicated to this ongoing investigation and bringing justice to her family."

 

What reportedly happened here ---  What REALLY HAPPENED HERE???

How is This DV???  

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“Fargo Man Convicted of Killing Girlfriend  By - AP - Saturday, March 13, 2021

FARGO, N.D. (AP) - A Cass County District Court jury has found a Fargo man guilty in the death of his girlfriend.

Sheldon Davis, 46, was convicted Friday of murder, arson and endangering by fire in the death of 52-year-old Denise Anderson. Her body was found in Davis‘ apartment after a fire on Aug 1, 2019, KFGO reports.

The jury deliberated about an hour before convicting Davis. He faces a maximum life in prison without parole.”

What reportedly happened here ---  What REALLY HAPPENED HERE???

How is This DV???  

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 Conviction upheld for man who shot sister-in-law 10 times

“PORTLAND, Maine (AP) - A judge’s happenstance meeting with a priest a couple of times at church did not warrant the judge’s removal from a murder trial in which the priest was a witness, the state supreme court ruled Tuesday.

The priest got into a fight with a man hours before the man shot a woman 10 times and testified at the trial. Philip Clark was convicted and sentenced to 43 years for killing his sister-in-law, Renee Henneberry Clark.

Philip Clark’s attorneys contended Justice William Stokes should have recused himself because he had met the Rev. Anthony Cipolle years before.

“The fact that the presiding judge had met the witness years before on a few Sundays during one summer was insufficient to create even an appearance of bias,” Justice Joseph Jabar wrote in Tuesday’s ruling.

Police were called to quell the fight between Cipolle and Clark hours before Henneberry Clark was shot to death on July 11, 2018, in her apartment in Hampden. Philip Clark lived in the apartment next door.

Stokes said during Clark’s sentencing that that the priest could have “defused” the tense situation but instead “inflamed” it through his actions. The Roman Catholic Diocese of Portland fired Cipolle last year.

The Supreme Judicial Court also rejected the defense contention that jurors should have been given the option of convicting Clarke of manslaughter, and that his confession shouldn’t have been allowed at the trial.”

https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2021/mar/16/conviction-upheld-for-man-who-shot-sister-in-law-1/

 

What reportedly happened here ---  What REALLY HAPPENED HERE???

How is This DV???  

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"A Man Called His Ex A 'Moron' By Text While Storming The Capitol. She Turned Him In

February 25, 20211:42 PM ET 

https://www.npr.org/2021/02/25/971350325/a-man-called-his-ex-a-moron-by-text-while-storming-the-capitol-she-turned-him-in?ft=nprml&f=1001

One of the rioters accused of storming the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6 was turned in by his ex-girlfriend after sending her several videos and texts from the scene, including one calling her a "moron," court documents show.

Richard Michetti is facing charges of knowingly entering a restricted building, violent entry and disorderly conduct on Capitol grounds, and obstruction of justice/Congress, according to a Feb. 17 criminal complaint. The Ridley Park, Pa., resident was arraigned Tuesday in U.S. District Court in Philadelphia and released on unsecured bail with electronic monitoring, reports The Morning Call.

Michetti is represented by Philadelphia-based federal public defender Kathleen Gaughan, according to The Morning Call. She did not respond to a request for comment.

A 10-page statement of facts details Michetti's texts to the unnamed woman on Jan. 5 and Jan. 6, in which he repeated conspiracy theories about the presidential election being stolen and described the chaotic scenes unfolding at the Capitol complex. She reported him to law enforcement the following day, turning over his personal information as well as texts, videos and photos.

Their text exchanges indicate she had tried to push back on his baseless claims of election fraud.

"If you can't see the election was stolen you're a moron," Michetti texted her at approximately 4:26 p.m. ET on Jan. 6. Minutes earlier, according to an NPR timeline, then-President Donald Trump had tweeted a video repeating his claims of a stolen election and downplaying the insurrection.

"I understand your point but what I'm saying is [ex-girlfriend's name] the election was rigged and everyone knows it," he wrote in a series of texts about an hour and a half later. "All's we wanted was an investigation that's it. And they couldn't investigate the biggest presidential race in history with mail in ballots who everyone knows is easy to fraud."

The day before the riots, Michetti told his ex over text that he was taking a train to Washington, D.C., which she later told law enforcement was because he believed the election had been stolen. Portions of the videos he sent the next day show him on the grounds of the Capitol, while other videos appear to have been filmed inside the building, the statement said.

Just after 2 p.m., Michetti texted the woman that "it's going down here we stormed the building they held us back with spray and teargas and paintballs." Minutes later, he wrote, "Gotta stop the vote it's fraud this is our country." In other messages, he wrote that his eyes were burning and that thousands of people were storming the building.

At around 2:44 p.m., according to the court document, Michetti sent two videos to the woman, one showing rioters inside the building and one showing rioters yelling and waving flags while walking around a large interior room.

(At that exact moment, NPR's timeline shows, rioter Ashli Babbitt was shot as she tried to gain entry to the Speaker's Lobby of the House chamber. Her death is one of five associated with the riots.)

Law enforcement used additional clues to identify Michetti and place him at the scene. For instance, it said his ex-girlfriend was able to positively identify him in a photo that had been submitted to an FBI tip line, in which he can be seen standing on the Capitol steps among a large group of rioters.

Officials were then able to spot Michetti in additional footage from inside the building based on his description and clothing — a Chicago White Sox baseball cap, blue backpack, dark hoodie and tan pants.

The FBI also obtained a printed copy of a receipt from a Washington, D.C., hotel located approximately one block from the U.S. Capitol, showing that Michetti had checked in on Jan. 5 and checked out the following day.

Michetti is one of more than 250 people facing charges in connection with the riots, according to an NPR tracker. He will reportedly appear in U.S. District Court in Washington by video on Monday."

What reportedly happened here ---  What REALLY HAPPENED HERE???

How is This DV???  

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What would you do if something like this happened in your Relationship?

  Think about it:

• What would I do if my partner and I are having difficulties and I am confused over what to do because virtually every solution I can think of seems to be abusive?  

 

• What would I do if my partner told me that I have a tendency to bully her or him or that I am acting like a bully right now?

 

• What would I do if I walked into my home and found my wife (or husband) in my bed with another person?

• What would I do if I disagree with the authority or opinion of the Victim Advocate? 

 

• What would I do if I had too much to drink and my partner started an argument about something that we typically tend to end up fighting about?

 

• What would I do if my partner refuses to work outside of the home and yet the home is always a terrible mess?

 

• What would I do if my partner seems to be saying things to our child that could be interpreted as verbally abusive?

 

• What would I do if my partner and I were having an escalated argument and their family who has a history of less than honorable behavior shows up?

 >>> Check out this Video for the Duluth Model's Equality Wheel. <<<

As we work to solve such problems around the World and at Home, we should Remember, that eventually, the best thinking, feeling and behavior are probably going to come out of these types Ideas:

• Using Equality; rather than Using Power -- Trying to NOT take or use Power.  Use respect for Equality instead.
• Using Equality; rather than Using Control  -- Trying to NOT take or use Control other than Self-Control.
• Using Non-Threatening Behavior -- Trying to NOT say or do anything that could be construed as a Threat to anyone.
• Using Respect -- Avoid Disrespect at all costs.
• Using Trust -- Remember that if you want your partner to trust you; that you need to Trust your partner.
• Using Support -- Trying to be Supportive of your Partner, even when you disagree.
• Using Honesty -- Being Honest is pretty much always the best policy.
• Using Accountability -- Be Accountable.
• Using Responsible Parenting -- Pull your weight and be a Good Parent.
• Using Shared Responsibility -- Learn how to share Responsibility with someone.
• Using Economic Partnership -- Share the Funds.
• Using Fairness -- Remember, no decision is Fair unless everyone involved feels that it is Fair.
• Using Negotiation -- Learn how to Negotiate in a Respectful and Constructive way.
• Be Honorable -- Always act Honorably.  And always assume that your partner is acting Honorably.
• Be Patient -- Above all, always exercise patience.

  *** For More Info about the Equality Wheels, Please CLICK HERE. ***

What do these things above mean to you???

How do you feel about the possibility of being able to have relationships that are more about Equality than they are about Power and Control?

***Please CLICK HERE to Complete Your Creating Equality Now and After Worksheet!***

>>> Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.

      Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.        

    * Please Click Here to Work on Another Treatment Plan. *

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