“Denial and Responsibility -- Which Works Better for Me?”

*** THIS POST IS A DRAFT.  PLEASE DO NOT DUPLICATE OR COPY IT. *** 

Topic: “Denial and Responsibility -- Which Works Better for Me?”

For some people Denial works better.. for others Denial is just fooling yourself..

Question: In what ways have you found yourself in Denial about your DV Offense?  

Like There is that point,

before we get into trouble; before the cops come; before anybody even calls the cops... when we realize ??? what ???

 (Something like...  "Well, it's too late now..!..  or "We are so F__k'd"  or maybe we don't even think at all.. We are just mad still..."  

  How many of you guys were actually SHOCKED when you got arrested?  So, feeling like one is in SHOCK is a sign of Denial.

  

Assumption: When we get arrested for DV -- even if we could swear that we did nothing wrong; there is a good possibility that we could have changed this outcome had we made a different decision somewhere in our past.  

But: What keeps us from realizing that a choice we made -- who knows when -- might have been the wrong choice -- even if we felt we had to make it that way.. Or we felt like we did not have a choice... but we did have a choice....

This is what we call Denial.

What is Denial?

  “Denial is a type of defense mechanism that involves ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety. Defense mechanisms are strategies that people use to cope with distressing feelings. In the case of denial, it can involve not acknowledging reality or denying the consequences of that reality” (VerWellMInd).

Types of Denial?

• Conscious Denial -  Where I know about what happened, but I don't own it.
• Subconscious Denial - We kind of know about it, but we don't admit it to ourselves 100%.  
• Pathological Denial - Where my denial is something I purposely use in order to justify the harm that I do to myself and others.

What Does Denial Look Like?

• When we are not being honest with ourselves or others about something that we should know is different from the way we believe it to be.
• When I am trying to be the victim; not the suspect.
• When you just don't remember it (Like when we are in emotional shock).
• When we blame something we did on someone or something else because it is too painful to admit.
• Not being mindful about what happened and what's happening right now, right here.
• When you don't really want to believe that it actually happened.  "Like I can't believe that happened.... Did I really do that?"
• When you know it happened, but you blame other people for the whole thing, instead of owning your part of it.
• When I fail to see the results of my actions on other people.  What it did to them.
• Like somebody actually calling me out with facts; but I still claim that I didn't do it.
• When you blame what you did on someone else's words or actions as if that excuses what you did.
• When all you can think is "they are a cop caller and we are done because they got me into trouble."

What does Denial do?  What's so bad about denial?  What's the problem here?

•   It's true denial can be a protective factor.  It helps us survive sometimes.
•   One refuses to admit the truth.. Hence they are at risk of living in a fantasy world, or living a lie.  And then that can cause more problems because they are not being real with themselves or with anyone else.
•   Denial Stands in the way of Accountability.  Makes it hard for us to own what we say and do -- even when owning it is required as a goal for getting off of probation.
•   Denial Hides our sense of Responsibility for future thoughts and actions.
•   Denial Disconnects our consequences from the cause of the consequences (as in ASPD).  So we tend think that we have consequences for no reason at all.  We think we are being picked on.
•   Denial can kind of control the way a person thinks about the outcome of a situation... So it can effect their thinking and behavior such that they have a higher possibility of getting into trouble again. 
•   Denial Increases the probability that there will be more victims or more victimization, more trauma, more issues, and even more costs or consequences for the person who keeps doing the same things over and over again; as well as for the Victims too.
•   Keep in mind, it's harder to forgive someone who is in denial than someone who owns what they did.
•   I might stop progressing in a certain area that I might need to be changing.  Because Denial can impede my growth. For example, if I did not study at all, and I flunked a Math class, and then I blamed it on the teacher; that is denial.

How or Why do we get ourselves into Denial?

• Self-Preservation.  To Save our own Ego.
• When we just don't want it to be true.
• Or when our psyche just can't handle the truth about something.
• It's a protective defense mechanism... protects my feelings from getting hurt.
• Just a plain old Defense Mechanisms -- If I don't acknowledge it; it never happened and then I don't have to deal with it at all.
• Or Blame -- When we blame something or someone else for our DV Offense -- then we start to believe that our offense was their fault and not our own doing.
• When we fail to comprehend Cause and Effect relationships.
• When we are lacking in empathy.  Sometimes we simply cannot see how someone else feels. 
• When some of us are pretty Codependent -- such that it gets us into trouble.  Knowing and caring tends to draw us in like a magnet, so we either become closer; or we end up in denial instead.  Our denial of their pain, helps us stay neutral.
• Family and / or Friends promote our Denial by blaming everyone else for our own poor choices, bad behaviors and mistakes.

What are some of the benefits of coming out of our Denial and being more Responsible, and more Accountable?

• Possibly, You get better as a person.  Become a better person.
• Builds Character.  Opens your eyes to the world.
• Helps stop the cycle.
• You might find more Acceptance and Realization of the path you want to take for a better you.
• I might become a lot more careful.
• You have a healthier relationship with yourself -- maybe even more confidence.
• More Personal Growth, Social Growth, or even Economic Growth.
• Might love yourself more.
• You have healthier relationships with others.  Because people view you as being more honest, truthful, accountable, dependable etc...
• You might get better at trusting yourself.
• Self-worth might increase.
• Your eyes will open to a World of Opportunity.
• You might be better able to prevent DV from re-occurring.
• I might even make better choices about relationships.
• We move forward in our lives instead of staying stuck in the past.

How might one put an end to their Denial:

• Listen to what other people are saying to you.
• Listen to Wisdom when it is there.
• Try to understand (without judging) how others feel about what happened.
• Take time to understand what really happened.  Put yourself in their shoes.  
• Imagine if you were them and dealing with what you did to them or to yourself.
• Let it go.  And forgive yourself... And forgive everybody else too if you can.
• Acceptance, Apology, Empathy... 
• Get Therapy.  Trust the process... Learn to process things critically.
• Just do whatever it takes to get my mind clear so that I can think straight and more accurately -- Might require getting away; and Will require eliminating useless distractions. 
• Be more Mindful.  Learn how to Take a Time Out. Stop, Breathe and Focus.
• Learn how to De-Escalate heated situations.
• Being sober so that I can know what I am feeling instead of hiding from it.
• Know the Rules before you try to play the game.

Exceptions, or Food for Thought about Denial:

• One could have been doing something that they thought was the Right thing to do when they got charged with DV.  

• Perhaps my Denial involved a failure to do the Right thing at the Right time -- such as call the cops.  (Or maybe I did call the cops, but yet I got charged for a violation of the other person's Rights.) 

• A person can stop their Denial any time they are ready to.

• One could be doing something that seems to be morally -- the Right thing to do; but Legally, it can get one arrested.  Such as hugging during an altercation to get it to stop; or hugging someone after a fight in order to comfort them when they do not want you to be hugged them or touch them at that time.

Think about it: 

• Question: Which works better for you in the Long Run; Denial or Responsibility?

• Question: In what ways have you found yourself being fully Responsible about this DV Offense?

• Question: What are my primary issues that got me into my DV Offense?  Could one of them have been denial or distorted thinking or both... ?

• Question:  Can I take accountability for another person's impression about what I was intending to do or what I did, even if that was not my intention to do?  Or, what if someone else seems to mis-read my intent.  Yet I did not give them any reason to read it correctly?

*** Please Click here to Complete Your Denial Session Worksheet ***

Developing Accountability for a Better Chance at Preventing Domestic Violence and a Brighter Future!

DRAFT DO NOT PRINT OR COPY.... 

What is Accountability?  

Why is Accountability important in Life?  

  Could it be that Accountability is so important that although much of what we think, say and do is forgivable; we are ultimately responsible... In the long run... as we mature, we realize that eventually, We shall reap what we sow.  Either that, or we shall be extremely grateful that we got away with it.... whatever it was...

So, Why is Accountability imperative for Successful Completion of DV Offender Treatment?   Can you say, "PREVENTION"...

  Look at it this way: "What the Heck Was I thinking???"

  The older I get... the more I find myself thinking about things, situations, thoughts and behaviors that I did... but that I never gave a second thought until recently..."  You know???

  So   Go ahead!  Ask Yourself: "What the Heck Was I thinking???"  But NOT in a negative way.  

  This is NOT about BLAME, SHAME or GUILT!!!

  This is about HEALING!!!  

  This is about a Do-OVER.... a GIMME. 

  This is about having another Chance!!! 

  Another Chance.

  And theoretically, if I go about this next Chance with a greater sense of Accountability, I will do it better... 

  Why? Because if I do it with more Accountability, I will be more thoughtful, more careful, more patient, more mindful, wiser, more understanding, and more loving of myself and everyone else.

  This is about separating the things that I can control or the things change from the things I cannot control or change.  And then letting go of things I cannot change... 

  And then becoming Accountable for the things that I can Control or the things that I can Change. 

 

 Hence, this Lesson is about Developing Accountability for a Better Future.

 The DVOMB Core Competencies states that in order for a person to complete Domestic Violence Treatment they MUST develop a strong sense of Accountability.  They MUST have an understanding of Accountability.  And they MUST take Accountability for their own actions leading up to and related to their DV Offenses as.  As well as Developing a commitment to having Accountability moving forward.

"G.   Offender Accountability 

         1. Accepts responsibility for one’s abusive behaviors,

2. Accepts the consequences of those abusive behaviors,

3. Actively works to repair the harm, and prevent future abusive                        behavior;

4.  Taking corrective actions to foster safety and health for the                         victim

A.      Recognizes and eliminates all minimizations of abusive behavior and without prompts identifies one’s own abusive behaviors

B.      Demonstrates full ownership for his/her actions and accepts the consequences of these actions: The offender demonstrates an understanding of patterns for past abusive actions and acknowledges the need to plan for future self-management and further agrees to create the structure that makes accountability possible

C.    The offender accepts that their partner or former partner and their children may continue to challenge them regarding past or current behaviors.  Should they behave abusively in the future, they consider it their responsibility to report those behaviors honestly to their friends and relatives, to their probation officer, and to others who will hold them accountable"

"What is personal accountability?

There are numerous definitions for the concept of personal accountability, but in the most general terms, displaying it means you are someone who consciously takes ownership of your life and responsibility for your decisions and actions. Personal accountability is sometimes thought to be comprised of five habits:

• Obligation: Duties that have consequences.
• Willingness: Taking action more because we want to than because we have to.
• Intent: Your purpose behind a plan.
• Ownership: Control over something.
• Commitment: Dedication to a task at hand and betterment of self."  (From: 

  5 easy habits to develop personal accountability at (https://www.fingerprintforsuccess.com/blog/personal-accountability).

Why is Personal Accountability Important?

  

"Simplest terms: without it, no one would have to own any of their decisions, and personal + professional life would become wholly circular, without repercussions or clear goals. People having personal accountability, especially those in formal leadership roles, is the entire reason that organizations can work together, and the underpinning of hierarchy too: when something goes wrong, someone needs to be on the hook for that, and take responsibility. 

There are also personal benefits to developing more personal accountability, including:

• Stronger relationships
• Less stress
• More trust of other individuals
• Better sense of self and self-efficacy
• More focused use of time
• Higher self-esteem 
• Growth mindset, i.e. idea that one can tackle anything they need to"
  

"It’s worth spending one second here on personal accountability vs. personal responsibility, as those two terms often also get conflated. Here’s the essential difference:

Most people have been responsible for the welfare of either themselves or another being at some point in their early lives. Young children are often responsible for pets or siblings.

Accountability is a word that carries a lot more weight, and is one that we don’t really hear until we enter the world of work and business. It can have positive and negative connotations, but research suggests that being held accountable for things can have positive effects on enhancing the feeling of self-control in the workplace. "  (From: https://www.fingerprintforsuccess.com/blog/personal-accountability)

Building a Culture of Accountability (By Flesner).

“To guide you on this journey, I present ten essential steps that you can follow to cultivate a culture where accountability thrives and success reigns supreme.

1.     Cultivate Trust -- Trust is the cornerstone of effective leadership and a culture of accountability. Ensure your team members trust you and each other so they feel safe holding each other accountable. It's essential to convey that being held accountable is not a personal attack, as team members understand it's always about the success of the team as a whole. We've covered trust and psychological safety in newsletter 3 and newsletter 4.

2.     Communicate the Accountability Concept and Benefits -- Transparency is key. Clearly convey the concept and benefits of a culture of accountability. Encourage team members to take ownership of their work and emphasize how it contributes to the organization's goals. As Patricia Susan Summitt, former American women's college basketball coach once said: “Accountability equals ownership. And a sense of ownership is the most powerful weapon a team or organisation can have.” We have covered this topic in the last 'Leadership Shots' newsletter.

3.     Establish Measurable KPIs -- Ensure that the team's and individual team members' deliverables are measurable Key Performance Indicators (KPIs) aligned with organisational objectives. Tangible metrics make accountability more concrete and achievable.

4.     Promote Open Communication -- Create an open and inclusive environment where team members feel comfortable sharing progress, challenges, and concerns. Open communication channels help identify issues early and facilitate collaborative problem-solving. Leadership expert and host of the 'Leaders of Transformation podcast', Nicole Jansen , and I will publish an Inc. Magazine article about this topic shortly. Please check the bell on my profile if you want to be notified accordingly.

5.     Provide Regular, Empathetic Feedback -- Acknowledge accomplishments and address areas for improvement immediately and regularly. Reinforce the importance of accountability in personal and professional growth. When providing feedback, approach it with empathy and constructive guidance.

6.     Address Accountability Failures Promptly -- When accountability lapses occur, address them promptly and constructively. Use these instances as opportunities for learning and improvement rather than punitive measures. Encourage individuals to reflect on what went wrong and how to prevent it in the future. Recognise and Celebrate Success:

7.     Celebrate achievements and milestones as a team -- Recognising successes as a team reinforces the value of accountability and encourages continued efforts. It fosters a sense of pride and unity within the team.

8.     Promote a Learning Mindset -- Emphasise that accountability is not about assigning blame but about continuous learning and growth. Encourage individuals to reflect on their actions, learn from mistakes, and adapt to changing circumstances. Mistakes should be seen as opportunities for improvement, not as failures.

9.  Lead by Example -- Set the tone by being accountable for your own actions and decisions. Demonstrate integrity, take responsibility for your mistakes, and actively seek solutions. When your team members see you practicing accountability, they are more likely to follow suit and embrace this mindset. As my friend and host of the Developing The Leader Within Podcast , Enrique A. nice phrased this:

"As long as leaders don't deal with their own relationship with accountability, they will misuse their leadership position to hold others accountable for things they can’t face."

10. Champion Cultural Change -- Creating a culture of accountability may require a cultural shift within your organisation. If so, champion this change, communicate its importance, and provide ongoing support. Be the driving force behind the transformation and lead by example.”

(Think of it this way: "Humans shed about 600,000 skin cells per day and up to 1.5 pounds of skin cells per year. Research from the Journal of Allergy and Clinical Immunology found that shedding skin contributes to 69 to 88 percent of dust in our homes–now, that's gross.Apr 29, 2016" Texas A&M University, Immunology.)

  Accountability means we got to Role with the Changes. 

  So, think about: How Can We Apply the above knowledge toward Preventing DV In the Future???

<<<<<>>>>>

Domestic Violence and/or Anger Management Accountability Statement

AND

IMPORTANT: <<< CLICK HERE >>> DV Session Feedback Form >>>

(Source:  https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/10-steps-build-culture-accountability-patrick-flesner-mw71e).  (Flesner).

Domestic Violence, Parental Alienation & Child Abuse: A Deadly Intersection

DRAFT In PROGRESS -- 

PLEASE DO NOT PRINT OR COPY

  A real-life glaring example of the intersection of Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Parental Alienation, and True Crime.  This type of behavior among parents is way too common.

  Click the link below if you would like to view the CBS Special on Parental Alienation.

https://www.cbsnews.com/video/karries-choice/

      IMPORTANT: <<< CLICK HERE >>> DV Session Feedback Form >>>

The Challenges of Breaking Up: Parental Alienation and Domestic Violence: A New and Different Kind of Child Abuse -- Resulting in Parental Alienation Syndrome

DRAFT In PROGRESS -- 

PLEASE DO NOT PRINT OR COPY

 There are many challenges to Breaking Up.

Talking about Parental Alienation 

The Neil Sedaka Song....  
"Breakiing Up is Hard to DO... Don't tak eyou love, away from me...

..."

From: https://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/102708p26.shtml

Parental alienation is a set of strategies that a parent uses to foster a child’s rejection of the other parent. Parental alienation syndrome develops in children who come to hate, fear, and reject the targeted parent as someone unworthy of having a relationship with them. Richard Gardner, PhD, who coined parental alienation syndrome, described in The Parental Alienation Syndrome: A Guide for Mental Health and Legal Professionals that there are eight behavioral components that have been validated in a survey of 68 targeted parents of severely alienated children (Baker & Darnall, 2007).

Eight Manifestations of Parental Alienation Syndrome  

1. A Campaign of Denigration
Alienated children are consumed with hatred of the targeted parent. They deny any positive past experiences and reject all contact and communication. Parents who were once loved and valued seemingly overnight become hated and feared.

2. Weak, Frivolous, and Absurd Rationalizations
When alienated children are questioned about the reasons for their intense hostility toward the targeted parent, the explanations offered are not of the magnitude that typically would lead a child to reject a parent. These children may complain about the parent’s eating habits, food preparation, or appearance. They may also make wild accusations that could not possibly be true.

3. Lack of Ambivalence About the Alienating Parent
Alienated children exhibit a lack of ambivalence about the alienating parent, demonstrating an automatic, reflexive, idealized support. That parent is perceived as perfect, while the other is perceived as wholly flawed. If an alienated child is asked to identify just one negative aspect of the alienating parent, he or she will probably draw a complete blank. This presentation is in contrast to the fact that most children have mixed feelings about even the best of parents and can usually talk about each parent as having both good and bad qualities.

4. The “Independent Thinker” Phenomenon
Even though alienated children appear to be unduly influenced by the alienating parent, they will adamantly insist that the decision to reject the targeted parent is theirs alone. They deny that their feelings about the targeted parent are in any way influenced by the alienating parent and often invoke the concept of free will to describe their decision.

5. Absence of Guilt About the Treatment of the Targeted Parent
Alienated children typically appear rude, ungrateful, spiteful, and cold toward the targeted parent, and they appear to be impervious to feelings of guilt about their harsh treatment. Gratitude for gifts, favors, or child support provided by the targeted parent is nonexistent. Children with parental alienation syndrome will try to get whatever they can from that parent, declaring that it is owed to them.

6. Reflexive Support for the Alienating Parent in Parental Conflict
Intact families, as well as recently separated and long-divorced couples, will have occasion for disagreement and conflict. In all cases, the alienated child will side with the alienating parent, regardless of how absurd or baseless that parent’s position may be. There is no willingness or attempt to be impartial when faced with interparental conflicts. Children with parental alienation syndrome have no interest in hearing the targeted parent’s point of view. Nothing the targeted parent could do or say makes any difference to these children.

7. Presence of Borrowed Scenarios
Alienated children often make accusations toward the targeted parent that utilize phrases and ideas adopted from the alienating parent. Indications that a scenario is borrowed include the use of words or ideas that the child does not appear to understand, speaking in a scripted or robotic fashion, as well as making accusations that cannot be supported with detail.

8. Rejection of Extended Family
Finally, the hatred of the targeted parent spreads to his or her extended family. Not only is the targeted parent denigrated, despised, and avoided but so are his or her extended family. Formerly beloved grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are suddenly and completely avoided and rejected.

In a recent study (Baker & Darnall, 2007), targeted parents rated their children as experiencing these eight behavioral manifestations in a way that was generally consistent with Gardner’s theory. Parents reported that their children exhibited the eight behaviors with a high degree of frequency. One exception was alienated children being able to maintain a relationship with some members of the targeted parent’s extended family, which occurred in cases where that relative was actually aligned with the alienating parent. This suggests that the context of the contact with the targeted parent’s extended family (that relative’s role in the alienation) needs to be understood prior to concluding whether this component is present in the child.

Also, Long-Term Negative Effects

Not surprisingly, the adult children with parental alienation syndrome believed that this experience had negative long-term consequences for them. Many spoke of suffering from depression, turning to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, failed relationships and multiple divorces and, most sadly, becoming alienated from their own children later in life. In this way, the intergenerational cycle of parental alienation syndrome was perpetuated.

1. Jennifer J. Harman, Demosthenes Lorandos, Zeynep Biringen, Caitlyn Grubb. Gender Differences in the Use of Parental Alienating Behaviors. Journal of Family Violence, 2019; DOI: 10.1007/s10896-019-00097-5

"parental alienation" and suicide

https://www.summitcounseling.us/blog/169349-the-alienated-parent#:~:text=The%20suicide%20rate%20for%20divorced,cut%20off%20from%20other%20people

"The suicide rate for divorced and separated adults in the United States is about 2.4 times greater that it is for married individuals. Suicide risk factors that can be directly associated with being an alienated parent include: Feelings of hopelessness. Isolation or feelings of being cut off from other people.Jan 23, 2020"

Parental Alienation: The Blossoming of a Field of Study

Jennifer J. Harman, William Bernet, Joseph Harman

First Published February 28, 2019 Research Article

https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721419827271

Article information

 

Abstract

Parental alienation has been an unacknowledged and poorly understood form of family violence. Research on parental alienation and the behaviors that cause it has evolved out of decades of legal and clinical work documenting this phenomenon, leading to what could be considered a “greening,” or growth, of the field. Today, there is consensus among researchers as to what parental alienating behaviors are and how they affect children and the family system. We review the literature to detail what parental alienation is, how it is different from other parent–child problems such as estrangement and loyalty conflicts, and how it is perpetuated within and across different social systems. We conclude by highlighting research areas that need further investigation to develop and test effective solutions for ameliorating the devastating effects of parental alienation that, we posit, should be considered and understood not only as abusive to the child but also as a form of family violence directed toward both the child and the alienated parent.

https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=-AhklZTeuXEC&oi=fnd&pg=PP15&dq=impact+of+parental+alienation+on+child%22&ots=LHm1pllpks&sig=-nyj-kyeNXqrMx92i3jSAU20rxI#v=onepage&q=impact%20of%20parental%20alienation%20on%20child%22&f=false

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201304/the-impact-parental-alienation-children

References

Baker, A. (2010). “Adult recall of parental alienation in a community sample: Prevalence and associations with psychological maltreatment.” Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 51, 16-35.

Bernet, W. et al (2010). “Parental alienation and the DSM V.” American Journal of Family Therapy, 38, 76-187.

Fidler, B. and Bala, N. (2010). “Children resisting postseparation contact with a parent: Concepts, controversies, and conundrums.” Family Court Review, 48 (1), 10-47.

Kruk, E. (2011). Divorced Fathers: Children’s Needs and Parental Responsibilities, Halifax: Fernwood Publishing.

The Vagina Monologues -- Decades of Altruistic Efforts to Improve the Lives of Girls, Women, and Yes; the Entire Planet!

 Watching "Until the Violence Stops: The Vagina Monologues" has been a tradition in Dr. B's DV Treatment Sessions for DV Program Participants for almost a Decade now.  

  The Vagina Monologues is a very entertaining film about a World-wide V-Day (Vagina-Day) Campaign that was launched some 20 years ago by Eve Ensler of Saturday Night Live.  This presentation contains stories of tragedy, oppression, and personal stories told through superb comedy, fabulous music and conveyed by a broad-range of well-known personalities.

  The Vagina Monologues combines a dose of Humanistic Integrity and Accountability with a dose of Women's Empowerment.

  The beauty of the Vagina Monologues is that the money raised has been used to help fund countless projects that operate in order to improve the lives of girls and women around the World.  And this in turn tends to improve the lives of everyone else.

  I have seen it probably at least 50 times and each time I watch it, I get something else -- something new -- about this important topic.

  This is why watching the Vagina Monologues is a required part of my DV Offender Treatment Program.

  Click on The Links below to watch videos related to the Vagina Monologues.  Please watch some of these and then Complete The Worksheet at the Bottom of this Post.

>>> *** Please Click Here to Complete Your            

Vagina Monologues Reaction Worksheet!!! *** <<<

Click Here to Watch Eve Ensler Talk about The Vagina Monologues

Click Here to Watch Ensler Talk (some more) about The Vagina Monologues

= Click Here to Watch Eve Ensler's Ted Talk about the Vagina Monologues =

(((Click Here to Watch the 2018 Vagina Monologues)))

**>>> Click Here to Watch "Until the Violence Stops": 

The Vagina Monologues" online. <<<**  

(This one is a Pay-Per-View or one can view it 

via Subscriptions (Hulu, Prime, IMDB etc...; 

However, it is a good one!) 

Click Here for Another Version of the Vagina Monologues

<<<<<>>>>>

IMPORTANT: <<< CLICK HERE >>> DV Session Feedback Form >>>

Dealing Effectively with Dysfunctional, Destructive, Negative Behaviors and Problems in Relationships

This Is A DRAFT Post.  Please do not COPY or PRINT it.

  How does one Deal Effectively with Dysfunctional, Destructive, and Negative Behaviors and Problems in a Relationship  --  

  It could come from our Partners -- or otherwise these maladies could be manifesting in our Relationship from who knows where else?  

  Or it could be coming in from the World.

  Sometimes the problem is we just can't let go sometimes...  And sometimes we can.

  Have you ever had to deal with such things?  Problems.. negativities that get into your relationship and just fester...  Could be something old Trauma... chasing new Trauma.

  We have temporary fixes like ..... name your poison .....

What Happens when Such things as these Possible Problems Manifest in Our Relationships  What if this negativity grows like a tumor: 

... What if my life with my partner comes up with one or more of the following issues???

>>> What if me, or my partner Throws Tantrums or Fits... ?

>>> What if me, or my partner has a Sex - Addiction  (A Gigantic Porn Collection... Having Affairs,... Paying for sex)... ?

>>> What if me, or my partner has a Sugar Addiction ?  

>>> What if me, or my partner Just keeps on Over-Eating ?

>>> What if my partner or I am just too busy Gambling to do anything the other wants them to do ?

>>> What if my partner or I am just too busy Drinking or Drugging all the time ?

>>> What if me, or my partner has a Caffeine Addiction -- like just Real Hyper...  Just Can't STOP! ?

>>> What If they have a Video Game Addiction and won't quit until they Win The BIG ONE?

>>> What If they have Work-a-holism.. or A Job-addiction ?

>>> What if me, or my partner has a problem involving Spending / Binge spending.. / Credit Card issues  / Creditors calling the House all the time... ?

>>> What if my partner or I have Binge Drinking / Cocaine Binges / Meth Binges / or Extended Acid Trips... ...SHROOMS Problem???

>>> Or one of us has a Rage-alcoholism problem -- Serious Anger Management Issues?  Like breaking stuff right and left... Punching holes in walls...

>>> What if Kleptomania is a part of our relationship ?  Or we have Some other kind of Serious Mental Illness..  Or the Voices told me to do it.  What if my partner has Psychosis ???  (Don't know reality from fiction.)

>>> What if your partner Refuses to Address a Serious MH problem --  Like Trichotillomania -- Paranoia -- Psychosis -- Severe Anxiety or Debilitating Depression ?

>>> What if I have Hypochondria / Yet Still / I am Insensitive to my partner's issues (Basically I am habitually Inconsiderate of their needs)... ?

>>> What if my partner Cannot separate their Role at Work from their Role at Home ?

>>> What is my partner is a Shut-In / Always in Isolation / They are a Loner -- especially during holidays... Like my family has never even met them.... ?

>>> What if they have a Problem with their Temper  / They Lose their Temper over "nothing" on a regular basis?

>>> Selective Mutism... Won't talk when uncomfortable. ?

>>> What if I am a Dangerous Driver / I have Road Rage NO MATTER Who is in the Car  / I got DUI's (And the related expenses) too ?  Where does that leave my partner ?  What if I drive drunk with the kids in the car ?

>>> What if I am a Holy-Roller / Bible-Thumper... -- I am a Guru-Addict -- a Cult-Member --  I am Always trying to convert you to my Religion... ?

>>> What if my partner is a Hoarder -- Compulsive... Obsessive Compulsive -- meaningless collector of everything... ?

>>> What if they are always throwing away your important stuff -- without apology or anything ?

>>> What if they always do things that Seriously Embarrass You in front of your family and friends... (On purpose)... ?

>>> What if I am a Chronic Liar -- Compulsive Liar -- I just Can't or Won't tell the truth....  I will deny the truth even when it is right in front of me... ?

>>> What if I am a Bully !!!  Like you cannot trust them me with the kids even... ?

>>> What if my partner is SIMPLY A NON-STOP Gossip -- Always talking negative about things and people that just do not matter. ?

>>> What if they are Always Jealous... suspicious.. accusing you of cheating... Claiming that they have proof of your BAD DEEDS... ?

>>> What if I am Vengeful / I simply won't forget that one thing that you said or did / I Cannot let it go /  I keep Diggin up the past all the time  / I Will Never Forgive... ?

>>> What if they Can't / Won't Keep a Job / No Ambition / Can't or Won't look for work either... ?    Won't even clean the living room or the Cheerios off the Kitchen Floor?

>>> What if they are Type A -- They Never listen to you / Always talk over you... and then it's all your fault according to them ?

>>> What if they are always Compulsively Cleaning / Compulsively showering / Compulsively Primping....  Always washing their car even... ?

>>> What if I cannot have even the simplest, most insignificant disagreement without it turning into the End of the World?

>>> What if your partner are a Cat-Lady / Cat-Man (OOOh...  that Smell!) / Or they are a Person with a Violent DOG ?

>>> What if they are Always acting paranoid / Always suspecting you of doing wrong --  no matter what you did or where or how or anything?

>>> What if they are just always keeping secrets.. and they tease you with bits of info.. but never tell you the whole story?

>>> What if they used to be so nice and a GREAT LOVER. But now They are a Hater / They Hate everyone...  They are Hyper Critical / There is No Love There Any More?!?

>>> What if I am a Chronic Victim / Always blaming everyone else / I never take accountability... ?

>>> What if I am Sloppy / Unclean...  / Dusty... / Stinky ... / Gross .../  Filthy... / yeaccchhhe..... ?

>>> What if I am Always getting into Fights (with anyone)... everywhere...  Every TIME .. ALL THE TIME.. Where ever I go... ?  You can't take me anywhere...

>>> What if they simply Refuse to pay the bills --- ?

>>> What if you Dial the HELP Number for their particular problem and hand them the phone --- but time after time, they just hang it up... and they say it's your fault  ???  

>>> What if they are a Social Media Addict  -- they got like 7,000 "Friends" on one Ap alone...?

>>> What if I am Someone who likes to FIGHT..  Likes to play ROUGH...  But then I say I am just kidding...?

>>> What if they are simply Someone who ALWAYS NEEDS you to agree with them... -- even when they are wrong?

So, What are Some Viable Solutions to such problems?

  >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

What do you DO???

What CAN YOU DO???

What if some of these describe your partner to a T?

What if some of these describe you to a T?

What happens when you are with someone .. In a committed relationship.. and then you realize that they are like this... 

Do you think DV comes out of this kind of stuff?

   BUT THEN THEY WON'T STOP???

What do you DO??? 

Do You GET DV'd ???...   and Must  

You Do DV ???  (NO WAY!!!)

TO DO; Or NOT TO DO Something About It???  

Is there anything you CAN Do to stop this madness?

SHOULD you DO Something?  (Why?  Why Not?)  

What are the PROS and CONS of just letting it go?  

What are the PROS and CONS of NOT just Letting it GO???

Here are some Possible Solutions (Which One's Might Work for you?):

Learn to live with it?  (NO WAY!!!)

Leave them?  

Blame it ALL on your SELF?  Will that work?

Just ignore it until it goes away?

Don't say anything and just Hope that they change?  (Maybe???)

Drop them off for Therapy... "Send them to Rehab..."?  (YES?!)

Try to get them to get Medication?  (Depends on the Problem!!!)

Get Couple's Counseling?  (Maybe???)

Call in a professional for an Intervention...

Threaten to leave them if they ever do it again?   (Maybe???)

Be grateful that you at least won't die alone?  (NO WAY!!!)

Try to have them arrested?  NONONO

Kill them with Kindness?

Just STRAIGHTEN them out?  (NO WAY!!!)

Start Therapy for yourself to help you deal with the situation?  ("YES!")

Introduce them to your slutty friend and hope they take the bait?  (NO WAY!!!)

Try to Educate them and Change them by yourself?   (Possibly)

Go & See your Fortune Teller?  Get your palm read?  Or Medicine Man (Maybe...)?  Your Curandaro.. or your Psychic... ?

Try to get them hooked on a new Hobby so they will be distracted?  (ehhh...?)

Drive them to a different State and leave them there?  (NO WAY!!!)  Don't even think about it.

Go to Church more and Pray a lot...  Pray Hard!  (???)

Hire an In-Home Applied Behavior Analysis Practictioner or Behavioral Modification Person?  

Start cooking with Herbs and Spices that might be reputed to effectively address and/or change the condition?

You could ask them if they want to get help? (But what if they're in denial?)  

Send them back to their Mother or to their Ex? (NO WAY!!!)

Call their Family and rat them out?   (NO WAY!!!)

Have an affair and just ignore the problems you have at home?  (NO WAY!!!)

Start Drinking or Drugging and blame it on them?  (NO WAY!!!)

Buy some Meds in Mexico and put them into their Food -- Or -- Secretly Drug them?    (NO WAY!!!)  Not on your life!

Have another baby because maybe that'll change things?   (NO WAY!!!)

Work on things together?  (Good idea!)

Brow-Beat them into Submission?  (NO WAY!!!)

Put signs all around the house and in the car too.  (But what would you put on the signs?)

Move away (with them) and start over Fresh in a strange land? 

Listen to them more?  YESSS!

Move away (without them) and start over Fresh?  

Love them till Death Do You Part? 

Cut them off? 

Take away their toys? 

 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

No REALLY???   What could or should you do?

Have you been in similar situations before? 

Which Options Would You Try?

Which Options Should You Try?

Which Options should you never Try???

What works best for you?   You are the one who is going to pay the price.... So what is best for you and your kids.....  And if you still love the other person... include them in your calculations...

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