“Denial and Responsibility -- Which Works Better for Me?”

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Topic: “Denial and Responsibility -- Which Works Better for Me?”

For some people Denial works better.. for others Denial is just fooling yourself..

Question: In what ways have you found yourself in Denial about your DV Offense?  

Like There is that point,

before we get into trouble; before the cops come; before anybody even calls the cops... when we realize ??? what ???

 (Something like...  "Well, it's too late now..!..  or "We are so F__k'd"  or maybe we don't even think at all.. We are just mad still..."  

  How many of you guys were actually SHOCKED when you got arrested?  So, feeling like one is in SHOCK is a sign of Denial.

  

Assumption: When we get arrested for DV -- even if we could swear that we did nothing wrong; there is a good possibility that we could have changed this outcome had we made a different decision somewhere in our past.  

But: What keeps us from realizing that a choice we made -- who knows when -- might have been the wrong choice -- even if we felt we had to make it that way.. Or we felt like we did not have a choice... but we did have a choice....

This is what we call Denial.

What is Denial?

  “Denial is a type of defense mechanism that involves ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety. Defense mechanisms are strategies that people use to cope with distressing feelings. In the case of denial, it can involve not acknowledging reality or denying the consequences of that reality” (VerWellMInd).

Types of Denial?

• Conscious Denial -  Where I know about what happened, but I don't own it.
• Subconscious Denial - We kind of know about it, but we don't admit it to ourselves 100%.  
• Pathological Denial - Where my denial is something I purposely use in order to justify the harm that I do to myself and others.

What Does Denial Look Like?

• When we are not being honest with ourselves or others about something that we should know is different from the way we believe it to be.
• When I am trying to be the victim; not the suspect.
• When you just don't remember it (Like when we are in emotional shock).
• When we blame something we did on someone or something else because it is too painful to admit.
• Not being mindful about what happened and what's happening right now, right here.
• When you don't really want to believe that it actually happened.  "Like I can't believe that happened.... Did I really do that?"
• When you know it happened, but you blame other people for the whole thing, instead of owning your part of it.
• When I fail to see the results of my actions on other people.  What it did to them.
• Like somebody actually calling me out with facts; but I still claim that I didn't do it.
• When you blame what you did on someone else's words or actions as if that excuses what you did.
• When all you can think is "they are a cop caller and we are done because they got me into trouble."

What does Denial do?  What's so bad about denial?  What's the problem here?

•   It's true denial can be a protective factor.  It helps us survive sometimes.
•   One refuses to admit the truth.. Hence they are at risk of living in a fantasy world, or living a lie.  And then that can cause more problems because they are not being real with themselves or with anyone else.
•   Denial Stands in the way of Accountability.  Makes it hard for us to own what we say and do -- even when owning it is required as a goal for getting off of probation.
•   Denial Hides our sense of Responsibility for future thoughts and actions.
•   Denial Disconnects our consequences from the cause of the consequences (as in ASPD).  So we tend think that we have consequences for no reason at all.  We think we are being picked on.
•   Denial can kind of control the way a person thinks about the outcome of a situation... So it can effect their thinking and behavior such that they have a higher possibility of getting into trouble again. 
•   Denial Increases the probability that there will be more victims or more victimization, more trauma, more issues, and even more costs or consequences for the person who keeps doing the same things over and over again; as well as for the Victims too.
•   Keep in mind, it's harder to forgive someone who is in denial than someone who owns what they did.
•   I might stop progressing in a certain area that I might need to be changing.  Because Denial can impede my growth. For example, if I did not study at all, and I flunked a Math class, and then I blamed it on the teacher; that is denial.

How or Why do we get ourselves into Denial?

• Self-Preservation.  To Save our own Ego.
• When we just don't want it to be true.
• Or when our psyche just can't handle the truth about something.
• It's a protective defense mechanism... protects my feelings from getting hurt.
• Just a plain old Defense Mechanisms -- If I don't acknowledge it; it never happened and then I don't have to deal with it at all.
• Or Blame -- When we blame something or someone else for our DV Offense -- then we start to believe that our offense was their fault and not our own doing.
• When we fail to comprehend Cause and Effect relationships.
• When we are lacking in empathy.  Sometimes we simply cannot see how someone else feels. 
• When some of us are pretty Codependent -- such that it gets us into trouble.  Knowing and caring tends to draw us in like a magnet, so we either become closer; or we end up in denial instead.  Our denial of their pain, helps us stay neutral.
• Family and / or Friends promote our Denial by blaming everyone else for our own poor choices, bad behaviors and mistakes.

What are some of the benefits of coming out of our Denial and being more Responsible, and more Accountable?

• Possibly, You get better as a person.  Become a better person.
• Builds Character.  Opens your eyes to the world.
• Helps stop the cycle.
• You might find more Acceptance and Realization of the path you want to take for a better you.
• I might become a lot more careful.
• You have a healthier relationship with yourself -- maybe even more confidence.
• More Personal Growth, Social Growth, or even Economic Growth.
• Might love yourself more.
• You have healthier relationships with others.  Because people view you as being more honest, truthful, accountable, dependable etc...
• You might get better at trusting yourself.
• Self-worth might increase.
• Your eyes will open to a World of Opportunity.
• You might be better able to prevent DV from re-occurring.
• I might even make better choices about relationships.
• We move forward in our lives instead of staying stuck in the past.

How might one put an end to their Denial:

• Listen to what other people are saying to you.
• Listen to Wisdom when it is there.
• Try to understand (without judging) how others feel about what happened.
• Take time to understand what really happened.  Put yourself in their shoes.  
• Imagine if you were them and dealing with what you did to them or to yourself.
• Let it go.  And forgive yourself... And forgive everybody else too if you can.
• Acceptance, Apology, Empathy... 
• Get Therapy.  Trust the process... Learn to process things critically.
• Just do whatever it takes to get my mind clear so that I can think straight and more accurately -- Might require getting away; and Will require eliminating useless distractions. 
• Be more Mindful.  Learn how to Take a Time Out. Stop, Breathe and Focus.
• Learn how to De-Escalate heated situations.
• Being sober so that I can know what I am feeling instead of hiding from it.
• Know the Rules before you try to play the game.

Exceptions, or Food for Thought about Denial:

• One could have been doing something that they thought was the Right thing to do when they got charged with DV.  

• Perhaps my Denial involved a failure to do the Right thing at the Right time -- such as call the cops.  (Or maybe I did call the cops, but yet I got charged for a violation of the other person's Rights.) 

• A person can stop their Denial any time they are ready to.

• One could be doing something that seems to be morally -- the Right thing to do; but Legally, it can get one arrested.  Such as hugging during an altercation to get it to stop; or hugging someone after a fight in order to comfort them when they do not want you to be hugged them or touch them at that time.

Think about it: 

• Question: Which works better for you in the Long Run; Denial or Responsibility?

• Question: In what ways have you found yourself being fully Responsible about this DV Offense?

• Question: What are my primary issues that got me into my DV Offense?  Could one of them have been denial or distorted thinking or both... ?

• Question:  Can I take accountability for another person's impression about what I was intending to do or what I did, even if that was not my intention to do?  Or, what if someone else seems to mis-read my intent.  Yet I did not give them any reason to read it correctly?

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