Dr. B's DV Prevention & Education Blog: Mindfulness and Prevention of DV: Where was I IN MY MIND when my DV Happened?

Can Mindfulness Help Prevent Domestic Violence?

According to HealthLine, regarding Mindfulness helping in Relationships: “A set of three studies from 2018 (Source) found evidence to suggest mindfulness can promote increased acceptance in romantic relationships. Being more present with your partner also seemed to have a positive impact on relationship satisfaction overall" (Source).

Mindfulness would include understanding of one's self and at the very least, an attempt to understand the other person..

It stands to reason that if a Relationship has more Acceptance and more Presence; then perhaps BOTH partners can find more satisfaction in the relationship; hence, they could have fewer of the Perceptions, Feelings, Thoughts, Behaviors and Impulses that relate to Domestic Violence. Such a Relationship, might even have more Happiness, more Cooperation, more Negotiation, more Humility, more Fairness, more Compassion, more Mutual Respect, more Reciprocation, more Teamwork and a greater sense of Equality between the partners.

Why Does Domestic Violence Happen?

In a 2016 article in Psych Central, the author writes about some of the theoretical reasons for DV saying: "Domestic violence — also known as DV, intimate partner violence or abuse — may start when one partner feels the need to control and dominate the other."

"Abusers may feel this need to control their partner because of low self-esteem, extreme jealousy, difficulties in regulating anger and other strong emotions, or when they feel inferior to the other partner in education and socioeconomic background." (Axelrod, J., 2016).

Dr. B. adds: "The above probably originates out of some very popular long-held beliefs about DV and they do have some validity. However, based on years of practice in the field, Dr. B. does not whole-heartedly agree with all of that. It is also believed that DV often seems to arise out of circumstances such as those which develop into crises with feelings among potential abusers (such as extreme insecurity, or extreme fear of loss of the relationship; or extreme frustration with things going on in the relationship, where a person might feel: 1) That they must do something; 2) That they must do something now; and 3) That they must somehow take control of the situation.) And this is often where the exertion of power and control happens in DV. This is certainly not to rationalize away the offender's responsibility for DV; nor is the intention here to project blame onto the Victim for the DV. But rather, this is quite possibly more common of a reason for DV than some of those mentioned above, as it takes into account the Systems Perspective."

Even when intoxicated, such feelings of jealousy, anger and other strong emotions can surface. People often become more impulsive and even belligerent when intoxicated. Many argue that their DV Offense would not have happened if not for the alcohol. These feelings are still there; however, what might not have been there also while intoxicated was that ability to fully manage impulses.

Others believe that when more closely examined, it seems that DV often happens as a result of poor choices and even mistakes.

Still others -- particularly victims of DV, DV Offenders, their Families, the Courts, and Treatment Providers really want to know more about exactly HOW DV happens? There is no one certain answer.

We know that in order for DV to happen, at least the Victim and the Perpetrator need to be physically present; or at least involved in a Relationship to some extent. At the same time, one should consider that Presence in the sense of Mindfulness, can be much more than just being physically present.

Mindfulness -- How does that work?

Per Oxford, Mindfulness is: “the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something” or “mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.”

For example: In her Article regarding “Mindfulness, Presence and Connection”, Knowlan (2007) defined Mindfulness and Presence in the following ways:

"Mindfulness is a quality of focused, non-judgmental attention to the present moment; the capacity to witness. Mindfulness is accepting something the way it is -- in the moment.
Whereas, Presence is a quality of being fully, yet authentically, available in the present moment; often experienced as a quality of being connected and open to what is arising or co-arising between and among us."
It almost seems like Presence is kind of like just BEING IN The Moment WITH SOMEONE.

Knowlan also wrote that, “THE CAPACITY TO BE MINDFUL is fundamental to creating conscious, living systems” (Knowlan, 2007).

In other words, Mindfulness is about being more Conscious of ourselves and others.

In some ways, it seems that a Healthy Relationship could be viewed as a Conscious Living System -- or at least a part of such a system.

Question:
So if I was conscious of my partner and my self in our relationship, How did our DV Offense happen?

And even more telling could be the answer in mindfulness terms to the question: Why did this DV Offense happen?

Could it be because there was a problem with this System -- with OUR system -- the system that lives within and between us?

Could it be that when a Relationship is at the point of having DV; then the Relationship is lacking in Consciousness; or lacking a sense of living Vitality?

That being proposed, one again asks: How did this DV Offense Happen?

In other words, What was going on when the urge to do what was done happened?

Or when the related decision or choice to do what I or we did was made?

Or even the failure to stop it from happening occurred?

And in some cases such as those involving drinking; this could be where the alcohol gets blamed -- But unfortunately, blaming the alcohol just does not do the trick.

Although this dialectic here may seem like a spiral of sorts; this could be how we begin to truly understand what was going on with me; the person who committed this DV Offense -- at the time that I did what I did.

If I could juts answer this, I might be getting somewhere.

And with Mindfulness; we might also consider what was going on with the Victim at that time as well (That's what we call empathy)?

Empathy could be helpful.

But our main focus should be on our selves and what was happening with us at that moment.

Still We Must Fully Understand How It Happened:

It stands to reason that in order to end DV -- or to improve a damaged relationship; we should fully understand how it happened? Hence, we need to know why it happened?

We look inside of ourselves -- inside of the person who did the offense... and how this person (I) was Feeling or Thinking; and how I was Doing at the time just prior to the DV Offense?

And this is where we shift our focus to our sense of PRESENCE.... In a way... for example, a great question to ask one's self could be: "Where was I (in my mind, like cognitively and emotionally -- fears and all) when my Domestic Violence Offense Happened?

And Perhaps this is where Mindfulness Can Really Make a Difference?

Some scholars say that:

"Being present (or living mindfully, whatever you want to call it) simply means you're focused and engaged in the here and now, not distracted or mentally absent." They say that "Being Present" or (Being Mindful) "Mindfulness" can (also) help with Managing Stress, Mental Health Symptoms, and with Relationships (Source).
Instead of letting your mind wander to your partner’s quirks or mistakes, or things you wish they would do (or not do), try focusing on the moment-to-moment experience of your relationship. This can make it easier to both enjoy the many things you appreciate about your partner and address problems or concerns as they happen” (Source).

So, let's try some more Mindfulness... Think about this for a minute:

Where were we when our DV Happened? Yeah.. sure, we know we were physically somewhere -- but where were we in our heads, or our minds and in our hearts at the time?

This inspirational quote might help:

“It stands to reason that anyone who learns to live well will die well. The skills are the same: being PRESENT in the moment, and humble, and brave, and keeping a sense of humor” (Victoria Moran, Source).

And that's what we are working on here. You Ready???

Can Mindfulness Help Prevent DV?

Surely, Mindfulness can also help at times other than while we are in the middle of a conflict. This Exercise, for example, below is about Integrating our Heart with our Head -- that's our Feelings and our thoughts -- and doing so within the Context of a DV Offense.

We can possibly progress toward Prevention of Future DV and Healthier Resolution of our recent DV Offense through developing introspection about the following:

Question:

--- What was I thinking before, during and after my DV offense?

--- Where was I in my head during the offense -- Where was my mind? What was my mind doing at the time?

--- What was my heart saying to me at the time of my offense?

--- And at that time also, how did I respond to the callings of my Head and my Heart? Did I listen to them? And more importantly; Did I act on them?

Sometimes, a Relaxation Activity might help one develop a better understanding of such. Let's try it!

NOW -- Let's Just try to start to Relax a little.

Practicing Mindfulness. Mindfulness can include many thoughts, feelings and actions: Awareness, Presence, Feeling the Vibe, Breathing Exercises, such as Breathing in the good, nice energy; and then Expelling all the Toxic or Negative Energy, Being in the Moment, like Right here, Right now, Positive thinking and Positive Projection, Humility and Humbleness, Accepting What it Is about yourself and Accepting Others as well, Developing Compassion for yourself and others, Accepting the things that you cannot control. It’s about Having Faith in Yourself, and Having Faith in Others Around You too. It’s about Practicing Patience with everyone and everything all the time. And It’s about forgiveness –giving forgiveness to yourself and forgiving others. And finally, it’s about doing the best that you can, and Letting go of things that hold you back.

So, Let's Try Something Like This Mindfulness Activity:

Please Follow these instructions:

Relax your hands. Close your eyes. Put your feet flat in front of you -- unless you are sitting on the floor. Then put all of your weight on your but. Sit back. Relax.

Breathe slow, take some very deep breaths --

>>> -- Breathing in for 3 seconds or 3 Mississippi's -- and hold.

>>> -- Hold that breath in for 1 - 2 seconds or Mississippi's, then

>>> -- Slowly Breathe out for 3 seconds or Mississippi's.

Then Repeat... until you feel relaxed... (Possibly 3 minutes).

Once you feel relaxed; Picture yourself... Picture you at that time.

And think: Where was I in a Physical Sense when my DV Offense Happened? Think about yourself at that time.

Now, Describe to yourself your sense of the scene of the Offense: Who was there? How were they acting? How were they apparently feeling?

Ask yourself the following as you move forward in time:

>>> What were my Thoughts at the time this happened -- the time of the Offense?

>>> What were my Feelings at the time this happened -- the time of the Offense?

>>> What were my Worries at that time? What were my Fears at that time? What was I afraid of at that time?

>>> What were my Wants at this time? What did I want to happen?

>>> What were my Needs at that time? What did I need?

>>> What did I feel like doing at the time just prior to My DV Offense?

>>> And as you go the point where your Offense happened, What was driving me in that moment?

Now: Consider this: After a tragedy such as a DV Offense; we sometimes trick ourselves into believing that we did not have a choice. But we did have a choice at that time?

>>> What were my Options just prior to My DV Offense?

>>> Now Remember, this is not about having Regrets or Remorse.

>>> But this is more about finding solutions for prevention.

>>> Let it go.

>>> This is about having Healthier Relationships.
>>> This is about Finding Happiness for Our Selves and for others In Relationships and In The Future.

>>> Remember your Breathing. Mississippi's....

Alternative Action for Letting Go:

>>> Imagine a nice white clean piece of paper and a pencil in your hands and you are writing down all of the Regretful thoughts, feelings and actions associated with your DV Offense. You may write down your losses too.

>>> Then after you finish writing, you may crumble this piece of paper into a very tight ball. And when you are ready to let go of the Blame, the Shame, the Guilt and the Regrets related to your DV Offense; when you are ready to move on beyond all that negative stuff, throw that paper ball as far away as you can; and look away from it, turn around and walk away.

Now -- Come back to full consciousness slowly... feeling yourself where you are right now. And when you are ready, you can Open your eyes and Relax...

Now Come back to this room...

<<< How do you feel?
<<< Many people feel more energized after they complete an exercise such as this and relaxed as well. Both at the same time.
How do you feel?
<<< What do you recall from this session?
<<< What insights did you gain?

<<< What if we used this technique during crises in the future? How might my life be different if I was using this technique before I got into trouble? How might lives of others be different?

****** End of Mindfulness Activity )******

>>> * Please Click HERE to Complete your

Mindfulness & DV Prevention Worksheet. * <<<

*** And always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session (Below).

Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

Music:

My Old School (Steely Dan)

Tomorrow Never Knows (The Beatles)

Tomorrow Never Knows (Los Lobos)

Sources:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6153889/

https://www.healthline.com/health/being-present#What-it-really-means