Using Children as a Form of Domestic Violence During a Relationship; and/or Parental Alienation as a Form of DV After the Intimate Relationship is Over

DRAFT In PROGRESS -- 

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  Surely, any one of the forms of Domestic Violence as depicted on the various Power and Control Wheels can negatively impact children.  As sad as it is to admit; unfortunately, children are all too frequently exposed to these various forms of Power and Control.  

  Ideally, Responsible Parenting is what happens in a Healthy Family, even during difficult times; where the parents use the principles of Equality; rather than Power and Control when dealing with others.  In such families, the adults in the couple and the children tend to experience Non Threatening Behavior, Respect, Trust and Support, Honesty and Accountability, Responsible Parenting, Shared Responsibility, Economic Partnership, and Negotiation and Fairness.

 Obviously, this is better for the children, than to be raised in a Family where the Parents are frequently being disrespectful toward each other.  And this would be the ideal.  However, it does not always work out that way.  Not every couple is ready to share an Honorable Relationship;  

  Surely, anyone can see how each of the following Tactics could harm children; even if the target of the attack is the Mother or Father of these children; rather than the children themselves.  Using Children has been well-documented as a form of Domestic Violence.  For Male and Female Offenders, according to the Duluth Power and Control Wheel, Using Children includes the following types of abuse or tactics, which include:

• Making her or him feel guilty about the children.
• Using the children to relay messages.
• Using visitation to harass her or him.
• Threatening to take the children away.

  When looking over basic forms of Domestic Violence -- in addition to the segment on "Using Children" -- one can imagine there are plenty of opportunities to drag the children into the conflict(s) between their parents -- whether they are still together or separated.  Just look at this list and imagine what might happen to a child if one is doing this to their partner -- the mother or the father of a given child.  How is that child going to be impacted if this is happening to one or both of her or his parents?

• If one partner is Using Intimidation against the other partner, 
• If one partner is Using Emotional Abuse against the other partner, 
• If one partner is Using Isolation against the other partner,
• If one partner is Using Minimizing, Denying and Blaming against the other partner
• If one partner is Using Children against the other partner,
• If one partner is Using Economic Abuse against the other partner, 
• If one partner is Using Male (or Female) Privilege against the other partner, and / or
• If one partner is Using Coercion and Threats against the other partner.

  Please listen to this Explanation about "Using Children" from the Duluth Model Power and Control Wheel Domestic Violence Intervention Programs.

VIDEO: Impact of Domestic Violence on Children

How does DV Impact Babies Children & Young People

  How might this type of abuse impact the children?  “Studies show that living with domestic violence can cause various problems for children growing up, including physical and emotional harm in the following ways:

• ongoing anxiety and depression
• emotional distress
• eating and sleeping disturbances
• physical symptoms, such as headaches and stomach aches
• finding it hard to manage stress
• low self-esteem
• self-harm
• being aggressive towards friends and school mates
• feeling guilt or blame themselves for the violence
• having trouble forming positive relationships
• developing phobias and insomnia
• struggling with going to school and doing school work
• using bullying behavior or becoming a target of bullying
• difficulty concentrating
• finding it hard to solve problems
• having less empathy and caring for others (https://www.facs.nsw.gov.au/domestic-violence/about/effects-of-dv-on-children). 

  

Additionally, “Young people exposed to domestic and family violence are:

• more likely to suffer from depression
• more likely to be homeless
• more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol
• more likely to engage in risk-taking behaviors, and/or
• more likely to experience or use violence and be controlling and manipulative in relationships (https://www.facs.nsw.gov.au/domestic-violence/about/effects-of-dv-on-children).

Discussion: 

  Think about this for a moment: What do children learn under such circumstances?  What do you think?

  What is it like for a child to live in a home where there is Domestic Violence; even while their parents are actually still together?  

So How Does This Possibly Change After Abusive Parents Separate or Divorce?

  In some cases, Separation or Divorce is a good thing.  But in others, it doesn't always turn out to be good for the children.  More specific to the topic of Using Children and Parental Alienation, we take a look at this modified Duluth Power and Control Wheel that focuses on "Post-Separation" and emphasizes how children can be used during this period as weapons by one parent; against the other parent.  

  This particular Duluth Wheel is titled, "Post Separation Power and Control Wheel".  According to the "Post-Separation" wheel, the various types of Abuse -- as a continuation of Post-Separation Domestic Violence -- tend to also involve the Children, and they can include: 

• Using Harassment & Intimidation against the Ex-partner, 
• Undermining Her / His Ability to Parent, 
• Discrediting Her as a Mother / or / Him as a Father, 
• Withholding Financial Support for the Children, 
• Endangering the Children, 
• Disregarding the Children, 
• Disrupting Her / His Relationship with Her / His Children, and
• Using Physical & Sexual Violence Against the Mother / or / the Father & Children.

  This can happen within the context of Separation from the Abuser in a relationship where there has been: "Prior physical and sexual violence, coercive and controlling behavior against mother / father and children" (Source.).  And it can also happen as a byproduct of Separation or Divorce in cases where there has been no prior abuse of any kind.  

  Unfortunately, when a couple with children separate, the children sometimes get involved in and/or are impacted by the process in a very unhealthy way -- if not a dangerous way.  

What Is Parental Alienation and How Does It Relate? 

  One type of DV not specifically listed on the Duluth Power and Control Wheels is "Parental Alienation".  Parental Alienation however is somewhat alluded to on the Power and Control Wheels in the areas where they talk about using children, as well as in some of the other areas.

   In answering the question: What is Parental alienation?  Jennifer Harman (2016) wrote: "Parental Alienation involves behaviors that a parent does to hurt or damage a relationship between a child and the other parent" (Source.).  To that, she added: "Parental Alienation Syndrome, on the other hand, was coined by Dr. Richard Gardner in 1985 and describes the ultimate outcome or impact of those behaviors on a child (Source.)."

  SIDE NOTE: The term “parental alienation” is not in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM, which is a manual that offers a common language and standard criteria that mental health providers use to classify mental disorders). However, “child affected by parental relationship distress (CAPRD)” is a term that has been added to the most recent edition of the DSM, the DSM-5. CAPRD includes parental alienating behaviors such as badmouthing a parent to a child. And several of the manual’s authors have clarified CAPRD to include an entire range of parental alienating behaviors and outcomes." (Source.).

Parental Alienation Video #1. 

Parental Alienation Video, Susan Shofer.

Parental Alienation -- Evidence-Based Science.

Parental Alienation -- The Four-Factor Model.

Parental Alienation Video #2.

Parental Alienation Ted Talk, Jennifer Harman.

What are some Signs that Parental Alienation may be taking place:

  Are you or your ex-partner an alienator, alienating the other parent?  If so, here are some signs that indicate that Parental Alienation is happening:

• "An alienator might divulge unnecessary relational details — for example, instances of affairs — to a child. This can certainly make the child feel alienated themselves, as well as angry at (and feeling personally hurt by) something that was really between mom and dad.
• An alienator may prevent a child from seeing or talking to the other parent, while saying that the alienated is busy/occupied/uninterested in the child.
• An alienator may insist the child’s personal items all be kept at the alienator’s house, regardless of how much time the kid spends with the other parent.
• An alienator might plan tempting activities during the other parent’s custody. For example, “You’re supposed to be at your dad’s this weekend, but I was thinking it’s the perfect weekend to invite your friends to a sleepover here for your birthday this month. What would you like to do?”
• Related to the above, an alienator might frequently bend or break custody guidelines, arranged inside or outside of court. On the flip side, an alienator may also refuse to compromise on a custody agreement. For example, if mom’s birthday falls on a day when dad has custody and dad is an alienator, he may rigidly refuse to let the kid go to mom’s birthday dinner when mom asks.
• Secrecy may become rampant. There are several ways this can happen: The alienator may keep medical records, report cards, information about the child’s friends, and more all under wraps. This can alienate the child from the other parent because let’s face it — if one parent knows all your friends, likes, and activities, that’s the parent you’ll want to talk to.
• And related to secrecy, gossip may become rampant. The alienator may ask the child about the alienated parent’s personal life and more. This can then become a subject of gossip. Oh, your dad has a new girlfriend? What’s she like? Wonder how long it will last. He had four girlfriends the year you were in kindergarten and we were still married, you know.
• The alienator may become controlling when it comes to the child’s relationship with the other parent. For example, the alienator could try to monitor all phone calls, text messages, or interactions.
• The alienator may actively compare the other parent to a new partner. This could take the form of the child hearing that their stepmom loves them more than their mom. A child might even be told that their stepparent will adopt them and give them a new last name”  (Source.).

Signs of Parental Alienation Syndrome: 

   When Gardner talked about PAS, he identified eight “symptoms” (or criteria) for it.  These include:

• The child constantly and unfairly criticizes the alienated parent (sometimes called a “campaign of denigration”).
• The child doesn’t have any strong evidence, specific examples, or justifications for the criticisms — or only has false reasoning.
• The child’s feelings about the alienated parent aren’t mixed — they’re (just) all negative, with no redeeming qualities to be found. This is sometimes called “lack of ambivalence.”
• The child claims the criticisms are all their own conclusions and based on their own independent thinking. (In reality, in PA, the alienating parent is said to “program” the child with these ideas.)
• The child has unwavering support for the alienator.
• The child doesn’t feel guilty about mistreating or hating the alienated parent.
• The child uses terms and phrases that seem borrowed from adult language when referring to situations that never happened or happened before the child’s memory.
• The child’s feelings of hatred toward the alienated parent expand to include other family members related to that parent (for example, grandparents or cousins on that side of the family).

Gardner later added that to be diagnosed with PAS, the child should have a strong bond with the alienator and previously have had a strong bond with the alienated. He also said the child should show negative behaviors when with the alienated parent and have difficulty with custody transitions” (https://www.healthline.com/health/childrens-health/parental-alienation-syndrome#signs-and-symptoms).

  These are just some of the forms parental alienation may take. Be aware that PAS is a tricky thing to use in legal contexts when it comes to custody agreements, because it’s hard to prove. Ironically, it’s in custody disputes that PAS comes up the most.

 

How does Parental Alienation impact children?

  Besides the harms done to children in Violent homes, as noted above; there are additional harms that can happen, once a couple breaks up.  Parental Alienation tends to cause harm to children.  

Side Note: "To elaborate on the clinical presentations of CAPRD, four common scenarios are described in more detail,  Children may react to parental intimate partner distress; Children may react to parental intimate partner violence; Children may react to acrimonious divorce; and Children may react to unfair disparagement of one parent by another." 

  Reactions of the child may include:

• The onset or exacerbation of psychological symptoms, 
• Somatic complaints, 
• An internal loyalty conflict, and, 
• In the extreme, parental alienation, can lead to loss of a parent–child relationship. 

Side Note: Results Since the definition of CAPRD in the DSM-5 consists of only one sentence, the authors propose an expanded explanation, clarifying that children may develop various problems as listed below.

Children may also develop problems in areas such as:

• behavioral, 
• cognitive, 
• affective, and 
• physical symptoms when they experience varying degrees of parental relationship distress, that is, intimate partner distress and intimate partner violence, which are defined with more specificity and reliability in the DSM-5." (Bernet, William, John's Hopkins.).

 Other scholars say that parental alienation affects the kids in still other ways.  For example: 

"One 2016 study surveyed 109 college-aged individuals and found a significant link between the behaviors of alienating parents and the behaviors of those who had been alienated. In other words, children who are subject to a parental alienation situation may grow up to behave in much the same way as the alienator."

Children who are alienated from one parent may:

• Experience increased anger
• Have heightened feelings of neglect (or even have their basic needs actually neglected while being caught in the middle of their parents’ fight)
• Learn a destructive pattern that they pass on to others
• Take on a skewed view of reality and become prone to lying about others
• Become combative with others due to learning an “us vs. them” mentality
• See things as very “black and white”
• Lack empathy

  "(What Is Parental Alienation Syndrome?  Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, Ph.D., CRNP — Written by the Healthline Editorial Team on December 5, 2019 ).

What Can You Do About Parental Alienation?

Trying to parent a child who has been conditioned into believing you’re bad or worse is challenging. What do you do when your child appears to hate you, or refuses to see you? Here are five ways that Targeted Parents can reconnect with their kids.

• Address lies and bad-mouthing.
• Encourage your child to speak to you directly.
• Manage your emotional reactivity.
• Continue reaching out.
• Be patient (Source.  https://www.weinbergerlawgroup.com/blog/newjersey-child-parenting-issues/overcoming-parental-alienation/).

Other suggestions -- for when you are able to visit with your child -- include: 

"Listen to your child. Have a time and space that is safe for your child to vent. This is commonly done at bedtime when a child is relaxed and perhaps more reflective. Listen openly to your child without comment, judgment, emotional reaction, or questioning. Just listen. Absorb what your child is saying and respond with empathy only. No solutions. No punishment. No pressure.

This works because it is the counter to parental alienation. Remember in order for alienation to be effective, there is a constant barrage of misinformation, manipulation, and pressure. Creating a no-pressure-safe-zone helps your child to decompress.

Play with your child. Have structured times of unstructured play in which you as the parent participate. During this time, the child is in charge of everything: what to play, how to play it, and the duration. Play therapist has used this technique for some time to discover a child's hidden thoughts, emotions, and traumas/experiences.

This technique puts the child in the drivers seat which is very different from the home in which the alienation is occurring. Again, it is the anti-alienation environment that provides healing, awareness, and insight.

Be patient with your child. At your house, your child should be free from questions or comments about the other household. In trying to find out about the alienation, some parents border on unintentional alienation. Don't do this. Let your child come to you, offer empathy, show love, and express your concern but don't talk bad about the other parent. If your child shows you anger, show them support and compassion. Some times a child releases the negative emotions in a space they feel is safe and not in the space that is causing the frustration.

Patience with your child might need to last longer than a couple of days, it might turn into a couple of years. Regardless of how long it takes, show unconditional love whenever they return. Remember, you are the adult. Their child-like behavior is age-appropriate.

Parenting in a divorce situation is hard enough without all of the drama that comes with parental alienation. Keep the drama in your household to a minimum so your child can rest, heal, and recoup before they return to the hostile environment."  (https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2019/08/how-to-counteract-parental-alienation#4).

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Special Notes Related to Parental Alienation:

 CAPRD, like other relational problems, provides a way to define key relationship patterns that appear to lead to or exacerbate adverse mental health outcomes. It deserves the attention of clinicians who work with youth, as well as researchers assessing environmental inputs to common mental health problems." (From: Child Affected by Parental Relationship Distress.  William Bernet et al. J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry. 2016 Jul. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27343884/  ).

Sources: 

Bernet, William, John's Hopkins.

https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Using-Children-Wheel.pdf

(Source.).

What Is Parental Alienation Syndrome?Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, Ph.D., CRNP — Written by the Healthline Editorial Team on December 5, 2019