What is Verbal Abuse?
The HealthLine Website says the following about Verbal Abuse: "When someone repeatedly uses words to demean, frighten, or control someone, it's considered verbal abuse. ... Verbal and emotional abuse takes a toll (for sure!). It can sometimes escalate into physical abuse, too. (Healthline also suggests that:) If you're being verbally abused, know that it's not your fault" (Source).
Verbal Abuse Might Also be Described by Many People as:
"
... blatantly offensive language designed to humiliate and gain power over another
person. However, verbal abuse does not only assault us through spoken words. We
read body language before we learn to speak, and our minds interpret body
language into words that we internally hear, loud and clear. Behaviors unique
to an individual and body language understood culture-wide can (also) translate to
verbal abuse” (Source.). Verbal Abuse can also "sound like name-calling, constantly correcting someone’s behavior or yelling at them, denouncing or demeaning someone. It can also take the form of a prolonged silent treatment.
If this type of relationship sounds like something you’d never put up with, you’re not alone. But is it possible that verbal abuse is happening right under your nose with your intimate partner and you don’t even recognize it when you do it (or when it is done to you)?
Yes, says Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship. In the more than two decades since she published her book, she says she’s counseled some 40,000 people about verbal abuse, many of whom didn’t even realize that what was happening to them by their partners was considered abuse. She writes:
“They’re being put down constantly by a boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse. These abusers are defining their reality for them. Which is, in essence, insane. But people who experience it may just start to think, ‘I’m an awful stupid person.’”
(Dr. B Asks: Who defines your Reality anyway?)
(It's also important to realize that Some times, people who do Verbal Abuse, might feel like it is not really abuse or like it is not really harmful to the victim or to the relationship.
On the other hand...)
The effects of this self-worth tear-down tactic, combined with gaslighting statements like, “You’re being too sensitive” or “That never happened,” can be emotionally destructive for years to come, says Evans. “It can be worse than physical abuse. (She says): I know some [survivors] would rather get hit because things like bruises can heal.”
(Dr. B Asks: Have you ever had a relationship that included Verbal Abuse? Were you the Aggressor or the Victim/Survivor in this situation -- or WERE you both Aggressor and Victim? Have you ever known anyone who was being verbally abused? Or have you ever witnessed a person being verbally abusive to their partner? What did that feel like for you? How did you React to this Abuse? How did you manage it?)
Is There a Pattern To the Verbal Abuse in your Relationship?
Not sure if what is happening here is verbal abuse? In her book, Evans identifies 10 patterns that verbal abuse may take. See if one or more sound familiar to you.
- 1. It happens behind closed doors. Interactions that upset, confuse or hurt the survivor rarely occur in public. Even if there are people in the home, writes Evans, the abuser will often make sure to only threaten or put down their partner when they’re alone. Furthermore, Evans says “going public” with verbal abuse is “usually a sign of escalation and/or impending physical abuse.”
- 2. It (sometimes) comes out of nowhere. Verbal abuse may occur repeatedly when the survivor feels like everything is fine in the relationship.
- 3. It (sometimes) happens when the (victim) or survivor is visibly happy. Or, the survivor may be showing enthusiasm or may be gaining success in some area of life, such as a career.
- 4. It (may) start to feel familiar. “The abuse may seem like a re-occurring incident manifested in different ways,” writes Evans, like one woman who said that whenever she expressed a thought, her abuser would argue against it. He would always treat her as the enemy.
- 5. The abuser (sometimes) puts down his or her partner’s interests. Making sure to always show disdain for something an abuser’s partner shows interest in is yet another pattern (that) verbal abuse can take, says Evans.
- 6. After the verbal abuse, the abuser (sometimes) does not seek reconciliation (e.g., The Abuser does not apologize). The abuser doesn’t try to apologize and may (even) say "there’s nothing to talk about" when confronted about his or her treatment of the other partner.
- 7. Between incidents, the relationship (sometimes, at first) seems normal. Before and after the interactions that involve verbal put-downs, a survivor may feel like their relationship was really OK because things seem(ed) to be functioning well.
- 8. The survivor (often) feels isolated. “Many partners experience a growing sense of isolation, especially from their own families or friends,” writes Evans.
- 9. The abuser (sometimes insists that or she knows Reality, and hence) defines his or her partner, their relationship, and most often, the interactions (Themselves). By this, Evans means the abuser (often) defines the above in a way that is very different from how the abuser’s partner has experienced things. (For example:) An abuser with an explosive temper, (might) say that he or she is easygoing. Or, the abuser who continually picks on his or her partner may say that the (Victim or) survivor is always trying to start a fight.
- 10. The survivor (or the Victim) (often) doesn’t use verbally abusive language when talking to her or his partner. Partners who are constantly blamed and confused by verbal abuse might be surprised to realize they have never said (to someone else), nor would think of saying, what is frequently being said to them. (They've never said to their partner) Examples (like): “You’re stupid,” “How dumb are you?”, “You’re not wearing that,” or “Do what I asked or I’ll get a divorce.”
(Dr. B Asks: Think about it: Why would a victim or survivor of Verbal Abuse want to speak in such a hurtful way - especially knowing how badly it hurts them when it is done to them? Or is it possible that that Victim might be afraid to strike back due to a very real fear of retaliation?)
Dr. B says Please NOTE: It is important to consider the fact that Verbal abuse and Emotional abuse are often intricately linked. Furthermore, different types of verbal abuse are also used along with other types of abuse (Physical and others). In other words, Verbal Abuse is often used as a Tactic when someone is trying to commit some other form of Domestic Violence.
Or possibly, Verbal Abuse is often part of the method for carrying out another type of abuse. For example: If a person is going to try and make his partner feel bad about herself; then he might choose to use words in order to make this happen. And those words would possibly constitute Verbal Abuse. This could be like when one partner tells the other partner who happens to think they are overweight... "Hey, you ought to stop eating so much." Whereas the long-term effects of this type of abuse could be to make the victim feel bad about herself / his-self -- which could constitute Psychological or Emotional Abuse. But it was executed Verbally.
Also consider that there are probably short-term effects and long-term effects of Verbal Abuse as well. There is also probably a Private Impact of Verbal Abuse on the Victim; as well as a more Public Impact on the Victim. And then there is also the possibility of effects on other levels, such as Social, Cognitive, Emotional, Financial, etc.. For example, due to this verbal abuse, this victim might always be spending money to lose weight to look better for their partner -- when in fact, they might not even be overweight).
If any of these resonate with you in your own relationship, consider talking to someone, like a trained domestic violence advocate or a therapist who specializes in domestic violence, to learn more about what you’re going through." (Source.)
What kind of experiences have you had with this type of Abuse?
Exercise: Consider these Common Types, or Properties of Domestic Violence (Question: How many of these might commonly include Verbal Abuse as a Tactic?):
*** Please Click Here to Complete your
Verbal Abuse and DV Worksheet. ***
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(Originally Posted Feb. 2021).
Sources for this Entry and About Verbal Abuse:
From: “10 Patterns of Verbal Abuse: This form of abuse can be harder to recognize than you may think” (September 23, 2016 By domesticshelters.org. Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship).
https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/understanding-power-control-wheel/#outerring
https://www.google.com/url?q=http://hope4dv.org/what-is-domestic-violence/
https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/10-patterns-of-verbal-abuse
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/what-is-verbal-abuse
Text above Edited from original Text, by Verbal Abuse in Relationships (Edited by Dr. Beverly, Jan. 2018)
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