Balancing Our Empathy for a Partner as well as Our Awareness of Our Own Needs: Learning how to Negotiate and Being Fair-Minded About Important Issues During Difficult Times
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What is Empathy: Having some idea about what another person is experiencing, and what they are thinking and feeling, so as to understand why they are saying or doing -- or even NOT saying or doing -- what they are saying or doing. Without Empathy it probably won't seem fair.
What is Equality: When both people have at least an equal say in the matter. This requires Respect and Patience among other things.
What is Fairness: When both parties feel that a decision, an arrangement, or an outcome is Fair.
What is Collaboration: When both parties work together to try and make something good happen, and/or to resolve a difference, or to solve a problem together.
What is Negotiation: Trying to come to an agreement about something
important to both parties. Negotiation often required communication, compromise, patience and respect.
There are lots of words here, like: Empathy, Equality, Fairness, Collaboration, Negotiation, Respect, Patience, Communication and Compromise.
The Duluth Power and Control Wheel Versus the Equality Wheel Pertains to this Topic in a Big Way:
Warning: There are several things that we should not do. And Empathy helps us know what NOT to do. Empathy is here so that we hopefully will know better than to do things that are harmful or disturbing to anyone else.
And empathy helps us maintain a feeling of the pulse of the person or people we are trying to relate to.
So.....
One of the biggest things to NOT do is you want a positive result is Power and Control -- Do not use Power and Control.
Like Power and Control in the Form of Coercion and Threats:
Making and/or carrying out Threats to do something to hurt your partner
Threatening to leave your partner -- just because you are angry.
Or Threatening to report them to welfare
Or even threatening to commit suicide
Or Making them drop the charges
Or Making them do illegal things
Remember... No Manipulation, No Blame, Shame or Guilt. They simply do not work.
Or Even using Power and Control in the form of Using Intimidation:
Like making your partner afraid by using looks, actions or gestures
Smashing things / Breaking Things
Or Displaying Weapons
Destroying her or his Property -- or Destroying our own Property
Abusing Pets
Displaying Weapons.
And these things above are just a few of the things NOT To Do.
Instead, One Should Do Things That Might Work A Whole Lot Better
Such as -- we need to learn to try and communicate as Equals:
Or think of this way: We can do better by Using Healthy Communication that includes Empathy, Equality, Respect, Patience, Negotiation and Fairness:
What is Negotiation? What is Fairness? How do you know if something is Fair? Well, if both sides are happy (or at least satisfied) with the outcome.
Like Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict
This often requires Accepting Change and/or Being Willing to Compromise
Ultimately, the best outcome is quite possibly where both people might give up something in the compromise; yet both people might also feel like winners once the negotiation is over.
(Ye old Win-Win Situation -- Wouldn't that be great?)
Other ideas could be:
> Using Non-Threatening Words and Non-Threatening Behaviors:
Talking and acting so that she or he feels safe and comfortable expressing herself or himself and doing things that she or he feels that she wants to do or needs to do.
> And ALWAYS Using Respect too:
Listening to her or him non-judgmentally
Being emotionally affirming and understanding
Valuing her or his opinions.
Being patient.
And basically being nice -- even when you don't feel like it.
Ask Yourself: Have you ever felt like you won an argument with your partner only to realize later that you did not really win at all?
Perhaps it was because one used Power and Control; rather than Empathy, Equality, Negotiation and Fairness?
This is why it is important to keep you finger on their pulse. It helps you know how your message is getting across and what to do next.
> And Healthy Communication -- What is that?:
Where does Communication Come Into the Picture? Well, it's all over the place... We need to be able to talk about it and listen to others in order to be able to Negotiate and Collaborate...
Healthy communication involves a lot listening, a lot patience, respect, acceptance, understanding, assertiveness and stick-to-it-iv-ness.
And the secret ingredient to Negotiation.... is Communicating with Empathy in real time...
Because then you know what they really want. And you know whether or not your communication or your message is working. Is it being understood? This is important.
The Value of Collaboration -- Yet another form of communication --
Think about it: If we truly are Partners; Do we really have to be on Opposite Sides?
After all, if we are partners, even if I am thinking that I am finally winning because my partner is disheartened; am I really winning? NO!!!
What might be an example of Collaboration then? Perhaps it's when BOTH people are happy, and both people feel like they won.
Getting things to Balance:
What is True Balance going to be in this Situation? (Are things ever Perfect or truly Equal or truly Equitable)? Probably not.
Or could it be that things right now Are good enough at this point to try and move forward together toward more a perfectly balanced relationship?
If not; then what seems to be Balanced; and what seems to be NOT Balanced in this situation? Is it fixable -- or not? Probably. But it may take patience, respect, communication, acceptance and many other virtues.
So if you remember, Today's lesson was in part about Balancing Our Empathy for a Partner with Our Own Needs -- Particularly During Troubled Times. Questions to think about:
Is somebody going for Power; rather than Cooperation here?
Am I really trying to fix this for the better? Or am I just trying to win?
Either way, Empathy is a great tool? Because then we know what is going on with our partner.
Or, think about this: Am I really doing my best here? Can I do my best without taking at least one minute or more to Empathize with my partner?
For Example, when two people are splitting up it could look like this:
One Situation:
Am I really getting what I am thinking that I really want here?Am I fully understanding what I am actually feeling in this situation?
Do I really comprehend what I am needing right now -- or am I just trying to win a fight?
Have I conceptualized and/or decided for myself what I am able and willing to settle for in this situation? Or am I just rushing into, or out of something.
Is it any wonder that I feel so crazy when we fight?
Ask Yourself This: Why wouldn't I want to be nice or at least respectful when I am dealing with my Partner or with my Ex-Partner? Even if I am angry.
Have I Considered My Partner's / Or My Ex Partner's Situation:
(Okay, we are including the Ex-relationship here as well. Why are we doing that? Can we include our Ex's among those whom we consider to be people? Why is this important? Perhaps we are following that same old destructive pattern again???
Because even if you are Ex's, you are BOTH still people. And you might have kids depending on you as well. (Separate, but still together -- United the wellbeing of your child.)
You both still have thoughts, feelings, needs and desires. Besides, if you really want to accomplish a constructive goal related to your shared property or your shared kids; you will probably get through it much more easily if you communicate, respect, collaborate and try your best to get it done without hard feelings.)
So if you are in a situation with your partner or your ex-, ask yourself:
Do I fully understand what my Partner (or Ex) is actually saying or communicating to me right now?
Do I really get what my Partner (or Ex) is indicating that she/he wants?
Do I have some sort of an idea about what my Partner (or Ex) is thinking?Do I really comprehend what my Partner (or Ex) is needing?Do I have a clue about what (or how) my Partner (or my Ex) is feeling right now?Do I even care about how my Partner (or my Ex) is feeling today -- after all that has happened?
So.. If you can answer yes to the above questions, then perhaps you have Empathy?
Unrealistic Expectations.
A lack of Empathy for my Partner (or my Ex).
Inability to Forgive or Let go of a need to beat the other person.
Trying to Control EVERYTHING going on between us.
Pride: A failure to Keep my pride in check.
Or just being too darn Defensive.
On the other hand:
Things that might really help with Negotiation and
Fairness include:
Having a good sense of Empathy for my partner.
Having an idea going in of what you really want here.
Having an idea going in of what you really need here.
Having an idea going in of what you are willing to accept.
Having an idea going in of what you are willing to give up.
Having a good sense of your own Strengths. (As well as your partner's or your Ex's Strengths)
Having a good sense of your own Weaknesses. (As well as your partner's
or your Ex's Weaknesses)Showing Compassion for your partner -- or your Ex.
Achieving Resolution in light of Empathy for your Partner or your Ex.:
Is there Room for Compromise in this situation?Are there points that could possibly be negotiated?Ask Yourself: Does Negotiation and Fairness really have to be different when two people are splitting up; versus when they are together and trying to remain together?
Finally: Can I muster a sense of winning or at least wellbeing; even in cases where I think I just lost? Or did I blow it again by letting my pride get in the way...? And trying to win; instead of trying to collaborate, negotiate, compromise and achieve peace through Empathy.
Bottom Line: Empathy is an essential part of participating successfully in a relationship.
(First posted August 15, 2022); Edited, June 20, 2023.) (C. 2022, William T. Beverly).
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