Valentine's Day and Domestic Violence -- What does Valentine's Day Mean To You? A Process Approach

NOTES>>> DRAFT >>> DO NO DUPLICATE!

  Valentine's Day and Domestic Violence -- What does Valentine's Day Mean To You?  A Process Approach

One thing for certain: There are few things more natural than two Humans pairing off together... and doing what they do...  If nothing else, it keeps the species going.  And by the way, Animals do it too.. kind of...  (I think....)

  But unfortunately, for those who are not doing it...  That is pairing off together ---  it can feel empty, left out... rejected, neglected and down right out of place.

Valentine's Day and Domestic Violence --  Now how the heck could those two things be related to each other...

  "Some people get into Domestic Violence situations on Valentine's Day because the other person is expecting special attention.. some affection, a gift, or maybe even flowers... and a CARD!....    But it doesn't always come through that way -- does it...  

  Otherwise, this day could turn into a fighting day and that could yield some DV.  Or if nothing else... it might become a good reason for someone to break up with someone else.

  This is a hard topic... it tends to stir up feelings.... Why?

Unrealized expectations...  ?

So what is so special about Valentine's Day? 

From the Article: “Violence and Valentine's Day: A brief reprieve from abuse.”

  “This Valentine’s Day, whether you are in a happy, loving, committed relationship or you are one of the many people who will be celebrating “Singles Awareness Day,” one of the things that you may be thankful for is a brief reprieve from domestic violence.

  Although there is anecdotal evidence that Valentine’s Day is connected to a spike in domestic abuse, according to the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, Valentine’s Day is actually one of three days where there is actually a slight decrease in reports of domestic violence (the other two are Thanksgiving and Christmas).

  This is a tiny bright spot within a very dark issue that usually only comes to light when a celebrity has been caught on tape abusing their partner or because someone who you have never heard of has been killed after years of abuse.

  Sadly, domestic violence is overwhelmingly common in the United States. Twenty people are physically abused by their partners every minute. Nearly 5 million women are victims of physical abuse by their partners every year and over 38 million women in the United States have experienced physical intimate partner violence in their lifetimes.”  (Source).  

How do you feel about Valentine's Day???

You say... Valentine's Day is Made Of what???  

  Love, Happiness, Candy.. Sweetness... Appreciation, Gratitude..  Gifts...  Recognition, Intimacy..... Sexual Intimacy.. Victoria's Secret makes a fortune on Valentine's Day....

  Or Valentine's day could be sad and lonely for a lot of people as well...

  Perhaps when these things happen.. and people experience painful rejection... loss.... fear... sadness...  Lots of pain.

  So perhaps all this could be avoided... if we each... just show a little kindness... 

  Being kind to the person you are with is not a bed thing.. Being extra nice to your children or family... and maybe even celebration of the relationships that you are gifted with.....  Or .. it could be celebrating a friendship... with anybody... or some other type of relationship.. such as the one that St. Valentine might have felt like when he chose NOT to deny his belief in Jesus which cost him his life...  (Maby Valentine's Day is about a Love that one cannot deny....)  For he was killed for refusing to give it up or renounce his love for Christ even under the penalty of death.....  

  On the other hand, some might think that Valentine's Day should be ignored, or minimized..

  One person even said, "I think Valentine's Day is Stupid!"

She continued, "There should not be just one day to dedicate or to get or to give chocolates... Rather it should be a consistent effort from both sides...  To me.. I like little things that are consistently done by each other to show their love for you..   Add a surprise just to make you happy or smile..  it should not be just ONE day out of the year and also it does not have to be EVERY day either."

So let's take a DEEPER DIVE -- What is the Origin of Valentine's Day:

  “The "Feast" (Latin: "in natali", lit.: on the birthday) of Saint Valentine originated in (what was called) Christendom and has been marked by the Western Church of Christendom in honour of one of the Christian martyrs named Valentine, as recorded in the 8th century Gelasian Sacramentary.” (Source).

Who was St. Valentine?

  “The very brief vita of St Valentine states that he was executed for refusing to deny Christ by the order of the "Emperor Claudius" in the year 269.” 

  “Saint Valentine (Italian: San Valentino; Latin: Valentinus) was a 3rd-century Roman saint, commemorated in Western Christianity on February 14 and in Eastern Orthodoxy on July 6. From the High Middle Ages, his Saints' Day has been associated with a tradition of courtly love.  He is also a patron saint of Terni, epilepsy and beekeepers.[2][3] Saint Valentine was a clergyman – either a priest or a bishop – in the Roman Empire who ministered to persecuted Christians.[4] He was martyred and his body buried on the Via Flaminia on February 14, which has been observed as the Feast of Saint Valentine (Saint Valentine's Day) since at least the eighth century.[5]

  Relics of him were kept in the Church and Catacombs of San Valentino in Rome, which "remained an important pilgrim site throughout the Middle Ages until the relics of St. Valentine were transferred to the church of Santa Prassede during the pontificate of Nicholas IV".[6] His skull, crowned with flowers, is exhibited in the Basilica of Santa Maria in Cosmedin, Rome."  (Source.).

How did Valentine's Day start in the US."

"Valentine's Day is named after Saint Valentine, a Catholic priest who lived in the third century. The exact origins of the holiday are not clear, but it is believed to have originated as a Christian feast day to commemorate Saint Valentine."  (Source).....  

  What is the deeper meaning of Valentine's day?  (Could it be that The martyr Valentine who died for refusing to deny Christ... was basically like Christ reportedly loving the people and the Church for ever -  like a wife.).

The Deeper Deeper Meaning Behind Valentine's Day 

  "It is about sacrifice and devotion, love and honor, in the face of overwhelming and dangerous odds.  While making your Valentine's Day plans, remember St. Valentine who was willing to give his life in pursuit of love and marriage, and ask yourself if you would be willing to do the same for those you profess to love." (Source.).

"One is the Loneliest Number..."  Dealing with Valentine's Day as a Single person or a Non-Attached Person:  Let's Try A PROCESS APPROACH -- a good way to work through your feelings

  As noted above: Few things in human life are more natural than pairing off.

  Thus unfortunately, to some people, if a person is not paired off, there's something wrong with them...  Which is not always the case.

  So What's it like if you do not have anyone on Valentine's Day?  Do you Celebrate "Singles Appreciation Day"..

  Some people suggest: "Make February a Month about you... Give yourself things.. not everybody else...  (A time to learn how to practice Radical Acceptance). 

  Radical Acceptance (Radically accept the moment you are in and the past.

Radical Acceptance Video: By Wackett 

Questions to Ponder: 

  What is One Little thing I could Change in my Life that might improve how I feel on Valentine's Day?  

  Have you ever considered Serenity.  

  What feelings does Valentine's Day bring up for you?

  Ever felt really sad or left out or like a Loser on Valentine's Day?

  Valentine's Day without my Valentine -- Seriously??? 

  What is it like to feel like there is someone out there who will never give up on you?

  Is there someone out there who you will never give up on?

  Isn't it nice when both people feel that way?

Let's go back a little bit:

  What are your Earliest MEMORIES OF Valentine's-Day?    

  Did they contain... Acceptance, Surprise, Rejection, Loneliness, or Sadness?  Or something else? 

  What might it be like Accepting My-Self on Valentine's Day... just the way I am?

  What do you plan to do for your partner or for yourself on this Coming Valentine's day?

Now: How Can I Move Forward?

  Perhaps, First: Accept where I am RIGHT NOW!  Re-asses my situation and myself.  Think of my Good Qualities.  Think positive.  Be open to the possibilities.  Problem solve.  Keep at it.  Whatever you do... Don't give up!

  If your feelings and emotions are getting the best of you, please watch this video about Emotional Regulation:

  Hey, Check this out this Article by Taryn Herlich!

 “Valentine’s Day and Abuse:  The Emotional Ties Between The Two”

“Valentine’s Day can be difficult  for survivors of domestic violence. Our society has marketed this day towards happy, healthy couples and for individuals who have faced abuse, it can make this day feel rather disheartening. Social media is often full of unrealistic presentations of happy couples and this can create feelings of unworthiness, provoking individuals to ponder their own decisions. When Valentine’s Day and abuse come together, the emotions can get complicated.

Moreover, many survivors who do leave an abusive relationship may face what’s known as Stockholm syndrome after abuse. This is essentially when you feel compassion for your abuser and struggle to get over the break-up as you still miss being with them. On Valentine’s Day, it can be extremely easy to fall into a cycle of reminiscing on the positive times you had with this person, because let’s face it, even an abusive relationship can have good days. That’s essentially what keeps survivors holding on. They hope one day this person will change, and focus on the fond memories they may have had at the beginning of the relationship. During a pandemic, it can be especially challenging, as there is little distraction to help dissipate these thoughts and in some cases, triggers.

 So, let’s find ways that Valentine’s Day can be a day full of self-love rather than sorrow. This day should be about admiring your inner strength, and celebrating you as a wonderful individual deserving of recognition.

1. Write a love letter to yourself

A personal love letter is a great way to reflect on life, and recognize all the qualities that make you special and unique. It’s similar to telling yourself positive affirmations which help re-frame negative self-talk. The more you tell yourself that you are worthy, kind, smart, and a good human being, the more your mind will believe it. One of the first steps to healing is self-love and a love letter to yourself is a great way to begin or continue the process. This article on Glamour has some amazing examples of letters survivors wrote to themselves.

2. Participate in self care

Why not make Valentine’s Day about treating yourself! Relax and do what makes you feel good. Self care can be as small as doing your makeup (something many people actually find therapeutic) to colouring, writing, taking a bath, going for a walk, speaking with your therapist, or even unplugging from social media.”

3. Be around those you love

We’re in difficult times as the pandemic is still present. However, if you live with friends or family that you like, try initiating a movie or dinner night, and have a fun day of celebrating the ones you love! This day isn’t only for celebrating romantic relationships. If possible, go on a socially distant outdoor walk with a friend to switch things up.

4. Take advantage of the day full of chocolate and bake something delicious

Baking is another act of self care and for many, is extremely relaxing and a great way to unwind and relieve stress. Not only are you creating something delicious but baking actually allows you to express creativity.

5. Call a helpline if you begin to have upsetting thoughts and feelings

There is no shame in calling a helpline on Valentine’s Day. If you need that extra bit of support right now, you should absolutely reach out and get it. Sometimes having someone who doesn’t know you, listen to your problems can be a great relief.

6. Be gentle with yourself

Remember, it’s okay if you feel certain upsetting emotions on Valentine’s Day. Your feelings are valid, and normal so don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re only human and quite frankly doing the best you can. In fact, just reading this article is such a wonderful step. You are loved, and so worthy.

If you are currently in an abusive relationship, we recognize how challenging this day can be and how it can be even more difficult to leave on the days leading up to it. There is a pressure that Valentine’s Day will solve certain issues, and that with flowers, chocolate, perhaps a necklace, this day can be special and peaceful. We recognize that you may be holding onto those grand gestures, those moments of kindness, and that on this day your heart yearns for some form of love. The pressure of any holiday can make it harder to leave, especially the ones that are based on love. Know that you are worthy of kindness and respect. This is not your fault, you are not alone, and you are appreciated and loved. Please, seek support by involving a trusted family member or friend, and contact a hotline that can help guide you in leaving (we will have them listed below).  If you’re in immediate danger call 911."

(Resource Link For Helplines In Canada:   https://www.dawncanada.net/issues/crisis-hotlines/

Sources:  https://www.allure.com/story/valentines-day-guide-for-domestic-violence-survivors"   (https://www.vestasit.com/valentines-day-and-abuse/).

Other Possible Solutions Could Be: 

What is Valentine's Day a Day of:

Have some Hope

Give someone a nice Card.. or even a Picture you drew..

a Watercolor you painted.. or a Poem you just wrote... Today!

Give Love

Share Warm Greetings

Keep on Wishing

Show Appreciation

Give people Happiness

Other Solutions to Valentine's Day Disappointments;

About: Radical Acceptance (Radically accept the moment you are in; as well as the past.)

Other Solutions to Valentine's Day Disappointments; Emotional Regulation...

DBT Skills: Emotion Regulation and Calming Your Emotions

If experiencing uncomfortable and overwhelming emotions.

Identify and Name my emotions and tell myself it's okay to feel that way.  Or Acknowledge and Validate the emotions.

Manage and Then learn ways to Regulate our Emotions.

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