Monday, October 27, 2025

DISTURBING: Colorado DV In the News !?!?!?!?

This is a DRAFT POST.  

Please DO NOT Re-Post, Copy or Print.

Wha_ Happa_!?!??

Why Can't Colorado get it's DV-Prevention Act Together?

The following articles were published within the past week or so and all are regarding DV in Colorado.  How could this be?


  What is it that makes Colorado -- and in particular -- Southern Colorado such a DANGEROU
S place for DV Victims and their Children???

  It's like there is an enormous DARK Orange and Black SPOT on all of us!  Shame Shame Shame!

  We can Do Better.  We MUST DO BETTER!

  Like one can see a light trying to come through in the Heavens... but we just can't seem to get it.  

  WHY???

  There must be an answer; Why is this happening?


Just Read Below:

On the brink of Nov. 4 trial, DA drops charges against accused Boncarbo murderer Gonzales - The World Journal https://share.google/Ldzsmxi0g1BHHQRk9 

Colorado saw an increase in domestic violence-related deaths in 2024, AG report finds | 9news.com https://share.google/9mGEsWh7p1ltMJkt9

Record number of kids killed in Colorado domestic violence in 2024 https://share.google/nrphJYo6Oiq97Hz8f 

Colorado domestic violence deaths rise even as statewide homicides fall https://share.google/9nufNglRbXeCzKIFz 

Colorado domestic violence fatalities increase 24% despite lower overall homicide rate https://share.google/RAt71JNxlEpKOaxWD 

Record number of kids killed in Colorado domestic violence in 2024 https://share.google/3KZjWXvOvt3x1mVzw 

‘Sobering’ rise in Colorado domestic violence, Attorney General reports | WesternSlopeNow.com https://share.google/QvgR8CRpJlPjKr9wA 

Domestic violence homicides increased in Colorado in 2024. Are they increasing in Pueblo? https://share.google/emmExj4hcrQJdWTn7 

2024-DV-Fatality-Review-Board-Key-Findings.pdf https://share.google/CGaN1tKkWge1N6o2A 

We really need to FIX this, RIGHT???

What is the Solution???  And what must we do to Fix It???  

What do you think it will work???

Offer up your ideas NOW, Before it's too late:



Monday, October 20, 2025

An Emerging Philosophy of Domestic Violence (DRAFT -- PLEASE DO NOT COPY or PRINT).

--THIS IS A DRAFT POST--

-- PLEASE DO NOT DUPLICATE OR PRINT --

  What is a philosophy?  According to Wikipedia, A philosophy is: 

"Philosophy is defined as the systematic study of fundamental questions concerning existence, knowledge, values, reason, and language. The term originates from the Greek word "philosophia," meaning "love of wisdom."  Philosophy involves rational and methodical consideration of reality and human experience, emphasizing clarity and rigorous arguments. It addresses deep questions about the nature of ourselves and the world we live in, reflecting on its methods and assumptions."

  A Philosophy is made up of questions about What something is, Why it is what it is, What it means, How it is made, What it is made of, Why it exists, and What it should be, and probably How one knows What it is to?

  So What is My Philosophy of Domcstic Violence?


What is DV???

  A Philosophy is made up of questions about What something is -- Its disrespect, It's abuse, It's an emotion (it's got emotion all over it... From cause to impact.  A Violation of one's rights.  It's a really bad behavior; It's both a lack of control and a manifestation of an attempt to control others; or just a lack of control of our emotions and our behavior. In some places, DV is illegal.  In other places, it is encouraged.  

  Why it is what it is, Why is DV what it is as described above or elsewhere?  It's morally wrong.  In some places, it is wrong due to Civil Rights, Feminist Movement, and the evolution of American Law.  

  In other places, it might be encouraged or required due to religious, theocratic traditions.  

  What about Violence against Men?  

  A violation of Rights because -- Assault is real.  Harassment or False Imprisonment, and Menacing.


What does it mean -- For some it meant, "The man just has a lack of confidence."  Does it mean -- there's no love there?  Possibility...  Shame on you!  It probably means this relationship needs some work (at least), Possibly not real healthy... that could be the fault of either or both partners. Might mean that one or both partners are uneducated about what DV is.  

How it is made?  For some it's made of ignorance, for others, it's made of desparation and fear and anger, it's also sometimes made out of drunkeness and even stonedness and trippin Balls.  It's made from relationships taht are not based in Friendship.  It's made from hoodwinking.  

What it is made of, Disrespect, Impatience, Ignorance, Faulty relationships, Intolerance, Desparation, Anger, a sense of inequality, Toxicity.

Why does DV Exist?  Because some folks don't know any better.  Human nature to be violent, Jealous, Dominant, Controlling of others and/or of their own environemtns.

Why (DV Laws) exists, and WHy does DV exist?  As a set of laws To protect the victims and possible future victims, To protect children

Human nature, 


What it should be, and probably should be... What should DV Be?  Fair -- It should be judged equally in the legal arena; One and done -- if it happens, it should never happen again.  DV Should be some thing that is learned about and talked about at a much younger age and among all.  Should be taught in a preventive manner in school.


How one knows What it is to?  From education when/if it is possible.

 

  How does DV Happen: Can be a results a  misunderstanding,  


  How does one (or a couple) Prevent DV?  


, Why it is what it is, What it means, How it is made, What it is made of, Why it exists, and What it should be, and probably How one knows What it is to?

What Domestic Violence is, (Personal Definition versus Legal Definitions, versus Societal Definition).

What is the Meaning of Domestic Violence?  Happens within the home or  within the family.  And harm (physical, emotional or social)

Why Domestic Violence is what it is, (A. Reference -- The Violence Against Women Act.  -- B. Reference Biblical References to DV.)

Why Domestic Violence Exists, (Habit, Bad Parenting of the individuals involved, Learned Violence, Misinterpretations of scripture and other things, Anger Mgmnt. Issues, Addiction, Mental Illness, Impatience, Frustration, Because it can be addictive.  In some cases, Society Promotes it.

What is Domestic Violence is made of?  Power and Control, Anger, Bad History, Bad Choices, Physical Violence, Emotional Violence, Sexual Violence, Financial Violence, Social Violence, Digital Violence

How is Domestic Violence made? (The Ingredients), but how do the Ingredients come together?   First, perhaps, comes small talk, dating, attraction, affinity, lust, possessiveness,  Love, attachment, obsession, jealousy, betrayal, sense of loss, fear of loss, control, toxicity, violence, A form of Abandonment.

In a Moral Sense, what is Domestic Violence? It's wrong, It's inexcusable, It's destructive, It's harmful and harm is bad, I hurts innocent people, It's illegal, It is VERY difficult to justify in any given case, It can be a violation of a person, as well as it can be humiliating, embarrassing, It's a form of bullying, It can suck the life out of someone, 

How does one knows What Domestic Violence is?  How do you know DV when you see it?  When you see one person out of the relationship feeling intimidated or the other person controlling what they eat.  

How is DV Addicting?  When you see two people just constantly going at it for what seems to be no reason at all.

What Causes DV?  Insecurities, Mishandled Anger, A loss of control, Assumed Privilege, Selfishness, A lack of empathy or sympathy, A desire for Power or Control, 

How is DV Enabled -- But not caused?  It's helped along by a lack of Societal Protections, An abundance of Alcohol and other Drugs, A violence Culture (Bolstered by violence-infected mass media), Enabled by poor training among professionals, 

What are the Results of DV?  More DV, Jail, Court, Probation, Treatment, Divorce, Separation, Child Abuse, Depression, PTSD, Drug and Alcohol Abuse, Broken Homes, Poverty, 

What is DV In a Diverse sense?  Well, in Sharia Law -- it seems to be legal, It tends to mutate across cultures, It's passed down to children in some cases, 

What is the Nature of DV?  

So How do you know if it's DV?  Because they are hitting each other.  Or because they are burdening each other with some sort of real or threatened pain (physical, emotional, financial, sexual, social, digital pain).  

What Domestic Violence should be --It should be stopped, prevented, frowned upon, it should cease, 

What is the Human Experience of Domestic Violence?  At first, it was essentially ignored for thousands of years -- and certain cultures and religions addressed it; while others did not address it.  Different Groups, Societies, Cultures, Nations and Religions came up with with different ways of discouraging it o encouraging it, or addressing it, or preventing it.

What does DV look like?  "A couple that's always fighting."  It looks DV Classes.  It looks like Women's Shelters.  It looks like Childrens' Shelters.

Emotional Intelligence (The Feeler / or The Feeling-Thinker) -- For this person, DV might be: Expert at being Emotional Abuse.  And/or They would be very sensitive to Emotional Abuse.  (A feeling manipulator). 

Versus Intellectual Intelligence (The Thinker, The Reasoner versus)  -- For this person, DV might be: Manipulative (A thinking manipulator).  A person who is aware of their abuse.

Versus the Hands-On Intelligence (The Experiential Thinker/Feeling) -- For this person, DV might be: All-out hand-to-hand combat.







When writing a Philosophy of Something, the following topics should be covered (according to AI):

Defining the core concept, 

Exploring its fundamental principles, 

Examining its ethical implications, 

Analyzing its relationship to other concepts, 

Considering different perspectives on the subject, and 

Providing a reasoned argument for your own position on the matter; 

Essentially, using critical thinking to delve deep into the nature and meaning of a particular subject area. 

 What is the Nature of DV:

 What is th Meaning of DV:  

 

The Ontology of DV: 

"Ontology is the branch of philosophy that studies the nature of existence, being, and reality. It also examines the kinds and structures of objects, properties, events, processes, and relations. "


Ontology of Domestic Violence:

"Ontology, at its simplest, is the study of existence. But it is much more than that, too. Ontology is also the study of how we determine if things exist or not, as well as the classification of existence. It attempts to take things that are abstract and establish that they are, in fact, real."


Phenomenology of Domestic Violence:  

1 Descriptive phenomenology. ...

  How would you describe Domestic Violence?


2 Interpretive phenomenology. ...

"how people experience and make meaning of their lives"


3 Hermeneutic phenomenology. ...

"Hermeneutic phenomenological research is rested on the ground of the subjective knowledge. As a philosophy of knowledge applied in hermeneutic phenomenology the epistemology is grounded on the belief that knowledge making is possible through subjective experience and insights."


4 Narrative phenomenology. ...

"Narrative research involves interpreting stories to understand how people make sense of their experiences and perceptions."


The Epistemology of Domestic Violence: 

"Epistemology is the philosophical study of knowledge, or the theory of knowledge. It examines the nature of knowledge, how it's created, and what its limits are. Epistemology also explores how people should acquire beliefs, and which beliefs are valid. "




The Morality of Domestic Violence:  (Ethics: Investigates moral principles and what constitutes right conduct)

"morality is a system of ideas that helps determine what is right and wrong, or good and evil. It is a subjective concept that is part of the philosophical study of ethics, also known as moral philosophy. "


Logic: Examines correct reasoning and how to distinguish good arguments from bad ones. 


Metaphysics: Explores the most general features of reality, existence, and properties. 




Pragmatism and Domestic Violence: 

Pragmatism is a philosophical movement that emphasizes the practical usefulness of ideas, policies, and proposals. It originated in the United States in the late 19th century and was dominant in the country in the early 20th century. 

Pragmatism is based on the idea that: 

The truth of an ideology or proposition is determined by its practical success 

The meaning of a proposition is found in the practical consequences of accepting it 

Ideas should be practical and useful, and unpractical ideas should be rejected 

Action is more important than doctrine, and experience is more important than fixed principles 

Ideas are instruments and plans of action, and their meanings come from their consequences 

Pragmatism is often contrasted with idealism, which is based on high principles or ideals. Pragmatism is based on real-world conditions and what can realistically be done. 

The term "pragmatism" was first used in print in 1898 by William James in his address "Philosophical Conceptions and Practical Results". However, James claimed that his friend and compatriot C. S. Peirce coined the term almost 30 years earlier. 

Notable proponents of pragmatism include Charles Sanders Peirce, William James, and John Dewey. 


Aesthetics: Deals with the nature of beauty and artistic appreciation. 

Think about all the benefits of Holding my Temper and handling things in a calmer way -- Especially when I am mad to smack-em in the head:

  But Had I Held My Temper, then I might have been able to walk away on my own time instead of in handcuffs...

  List some of the OTHER Benefits of Holding My Temper.  What could they be? 

No Jail

No Bail

No Probation

No Court Fees

No Treatment

No Treatment Fees

"You coiuld get jobs.

You could rent an apartment or 

Or get a loan for a house

"I could have went my own life without knowing anybody in the Courthouse"

I could have dealt without knowing all the cops.

It would have saved humiliation.  

It would be easier to see my kids.

I might still have my house.

I might still have my still have my retirement account.

I wouldn't have to go to Therapy.

My credit wouldn't be ruined.

All the druggies down on the corner wouldn't know me by name.

I probably wouldn't have PTSD.

My Ex- and I might be able to settle our differences without using Talking Parents.

My 401-K wouldn't be gone.

I wouldn't know all the cops in town by first name.

I wouldn't been so afraid to wear Orange.

I wouldn't still have that smell in my nose.

I wouldn't be so used to peeing in front of everyone on camera.

I could cancel my subscription to that Adult Channel.

At least me and my baby could still hanging out and chilling together.


  Name a few more reasons why it would have been beneficial to handle things in a calmer way instead of getting a DV Charge.


Intergenerational Domestic Violence: How Does It Work?

*** DRAFT POST: Please Do Not re-post, copy, or print.  ***

 Intergenerational Domestic Violence: How Does It Work?

  How do we learn Domestic Violence?

From seeing it from other people like parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, TV, Movies, Songs

  Some Things that we Believe to be True:

"What is intergenerational domestic violence?  Intergenerational cycles of

violence occurs when violence is passed from parent to child, or sibling to sibling. Children exposed to domestic violence are likely to develop behavioral problems, such as regressing, exhibiting out of control behavior, and imitating behaviors."  (Source).

  "The association between childhood exposure to domestic violence and later intimate partner violence (IPV) perpetration in adulthood has been well established in the literature. However, the literature examining the factors of exposure that contribute to perpetration in adulthood is fraught with mixed findings, with some studies finding a direct link between childhood domestic violence exposure and later IPV perpetration and others ruling out a link after controlling for other contextual barriers such as community violence and socioeconomic status. This study examined 124 non-treatment-seeking and unadjudicated adult male IPV perpetrators and found exposure to domestic violence in childhood contributes to the normalization of violence, which could predict future adult IPV perpetration."  (Source).

  "The prevalence and impact of childhood exposure to adult domestic violence (DV) has been documented for more than 20 years. It is estimated that 3 to 10 million U.S. children are exposed to adult DV in their households by seeing it, hearing it, or observing the aftermath of such violence (Carlson, 1984, 2000; Straus, 1992). Although exposure to adult DV is neither a prerequisite nor a determinant for problem behaviors, children who have been exposed to DV are more likely to exhibit cognitive and behavioral problems (e.g., acceptance of violence, withdrawal, aggression) when compared to those not exposed to violence in their homes (Appel & Holden, 1998; Edleson, 1999; Edleson et al., 2007; Lehmann, 2000; Rossman, 2001). For clarity, we are using domestic violence for exposure to violence in childhood, and intimate partner violence for adult perpetration of the violence."  (Source).

  "Previous research shows higher rates of IPV perpetration are associated with higher levels of childhood DV exposure (Delsol & Margolin, 2004; Ehrensaft et al., 2003; Murrell, Christoff, & Henning, 2007). Based on a review of 21 studies, Delsol and Margolin (2004) found a range of 34% to 54% of men who engaged in IPV as adults were exposed to DV as children, compared with the 8% to 27% of men without a history of violence in their childhood home. At the same time, the relative effects of childhood exposure to DV are still quite mixed (Feldman, 1997; Holtzworth-Munroe, Bates, Smutzler, & Sandin, 1997; Hotaling & Sugarman, 1986). For example, a proportion of children exposed to DV do not exhibit more cognitive or behavioral problems when compared to children not so exposed, which has been explained in part by resilience in the children (Graham-Bermann, 1996)."  (Source).

  Social learning theory (SLT) states that people behave as they do in part as a result of observing and imitating others’ behaviors (Bandura, 1973, 1977). We internalize attitudes learned from others, imitate behaviors of our role models, and receive reinforcement through positive and negative feedback from our role models (Wareham, Boots, & Chavez, 2009, p. 163). Indeed, studies have found that individuals exposed to DV in their childhood might learn abusive behaviors and perpetrate IPV in their adulthood (Ehrensaft et al., 2003; Feldman, 1997; Stith et al., 2000; Wareham et al., 2009; Widom, 1989). Delsol and Margolin (2004) noted that exposure to family violence could also lead to distorted beliefs about violence, including seeing IPV as an accepted component of family life. This latter explanation, IPV as an accepted component of family life, led to the selection of one of the constructs for this study: perceived norms of IPV perpetration."  (Source).

  What are some key symptoms of intergenerational trauma?

"Common symptoms of generational trauma can include:

Hyper-vigilance.

Difficulty trusting others.

Low self-esteem.

Fear of death.

Hopelessness.

Substance abuse problems.

Mental health disorders." (Source.)

  Some says that Facts support Theories, and Theories compel postulation of certain Hypotheses, such as as "The intergenerational transmission hypothesis (which) predicts that experiencing physical abuse in childhood will lead to increased risk for physically abusing one's own children"  (Source).

  "What Is Generational Trauma?  Generational trauma refers to the psychological effects of trauma that are passed down from one generation to the next."  (Source).

"Even if descendants don’t directly experience the original trauma, they may still exhibit emotional or psychological symptoms tied to it, especially as they learn fears, responses, and coping mechanisms from their caregivers.

Generational trauma is sometimes called “family trauma,” but it can be used to refer to any type of bonded community that experience traumatic events or behaviors, even if they are not directly related.

The psychological and emotional effects of traumatic events can be passed down over time through teaching that stems from feeling unsafe or unstable.

These effects can often cause intense challenges for future generations and can last for centuries if left untreated.

Generational trauma may be seen in families with trauma survivors who have experienced oppression, racism, discrimination, or violence."  (Source).

  War is also at root of a great deal of generational trauma.

    Going further:  

  "How Do You Uncover Generational Trauma?

  "Generational trauma can be seen in individuals through various symptoms such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, or self-destructive behaviors.

Relationships within a family with generational trauma may involve codependency or unhealthy attachment styles. These attachment styles can cause dysfunctional family dynamics that can perpetuate the effects of generational trauma.

To uncover generational trauma, you must first identify where the traumatic responses are coming from. The sources of generational trauma, such as systematic discrimination, can be difficult to uproot, even after they are identified.

The second step is to acknowledge the trauma and its impact on your life non-judgmentally. Feelings of guilt or shame can make symptoms worse.

Then, it is essential that families and communities experiencing the collateral of generational trauma seek professional support. For example, this could look like family therapy under the guidance of someone in the psychiatry field.

After learning coping strategies and finding effective support systems, it becomes possible to heal." (Source.)


From A Different Angle, we see that: 

"The term cycle of violence refers to repeated and dangerous acts of violence as a cyclical pattern,[1] associated with high emotions and doctrines of retribution or revenge.[citation needed] The pattern, or cycle, repeats and can happen many times during a relationship.[1] Each phase may last a different length of time, and over time the level of violence may increase.[citation needed] The phrase has been increasingly widespread since first popularized in the 1970s.[2]

It often refers to violent behaviour learned as a child, and then repeated as an adult, therefore continuing on in a perceived cycle.[3] (Source.)

 

How Can We Prevent Intergenerational DV?

"How to stop intergenerational abuse? 

One of the most significant ways to break generational trauma is by openly and honestly communicating with your children and other family members or caregivers. Another way is to try to observe and gain awareness of your family's patterns and whether you contribute to these patterns too.Oct 22, 2024" (Source).


"How Do You Start Healing Generational Trauma?

Taking the step to start healing generational trauma can be a big one, but some ways to start can involve:

Finding the root source of the trauma

Accepting the trauma

Working on being open to change

Practicing self-care

Allowing yourself to grieve and process your emotions

Seeking professional support and trauma treatment

Trauma-informed care can be a practical and effective approach for individuals with generational trauma and focuses on understanding, acknowledging, and responding to a person’s life experiences."  (Source).


"What Are Some Coping Mechanisms You Can Use to Heal Historical Trauma?

There are some tips and techniques that you can use to manage and heal from generational trauma, which can include:

Learning how to identify, acknowledge, and accept your trauma

Practicing mindfulness and meditation

Learning to set boundaries

Practicing self-care

Communicating and finding support from others

Historical trauma refers to multigenerational trauma that occurs in specific cultural, racial, or ethnic groups and is related to oppression and major traumatic events like slavery, the Holocaust, forced migration, or the colonization of Native Americans."  (Source.)

  "Historica Trauma can also devastate multiple generations of survivors of Wars and Gandfather.

  Some ways to help heal from historical trauma can include:

  Connecting with people who are strong in the culture and ancestry

  Finding support from others and working through grief together

  Acknowledging your feelings and experiences

  If you or a loved one have generational trauma, reaching out for professional support from a therapist, clinician, or another mental health professional is best.

  Seeking therapy for generational trauma or historical trauma can help you learn healthy coping mechanisms and begin to heal and break the patterns left by oppression, violence, and discrimination."

  Family therapy can also help work to heal the entire family system."  (Source).


Survivors of Wars in their own lands, survivors of severe Gang Violence, and survivors of other catastrophies such as "The Great Depression" can also have pass along the trauma reaction to their children.

xxx

What Difference Can I Make? Options, Choices, Decisions and Consequences

 *** DRAFT POST: Please Do Not re-post, copy, or print.  ***

 What Difference Can I Make? 
  Options, Choices, Decisions and Consequences

Food For Thought...

Think about the situation you were in before your DV Charge?  

Think about it this way for a second: 
   What about that situation probably needed changing before it happened?

Think about your DV Charge -- 

  If I had made changes to what probably needed changing; 
would my DV Charge had happened in the first place?

 Or did I even know there were changes needed; because the alternative could be disasterous.

  Now that I got my DV Charge; what changes can I make to be sure that I never again have DV in my life?

  It's important to note that in DV Treatment; it's typically NOT about changes that someone else should have made -- or changes they should make.
  It's about changes that I can make or changes that I made -- leading to better or worse circumstances.

  But in order to know that I need to make some changes; I have to be totally aware.  It's almost like I have to have a crystal ball to tell me the future.  We cannot always see what's about to happen.  
  Nonetheless, a person could try to be more aware what could happen and then work on ways to avoid it.

  So, if there was a change that I coulda-shoulda-woulda made; then why didn't I make it already?
  Maby I did not see it at that time?
  Maby I saw it, but I didn't realize at that time how important it was?  (Kind of like having a slow leak on a tire.... and you have to drive to Pueblo...)
  Or maby I didnt' want to make that change?
  Or maby I wanted to make the change...  but only once I had no other choice?
  Maby I tried to get away; but it just wasn't working?


  Like an Autopsy -- Trying to discover what happened, 
  How it happened.
  Why this happened to him.
  And How it could have been avoided.

What changes can I make now to be sure it never happens again.




Other Notes: 

Hard question (This may not apply to you; and it is NOT meant to make anyone feel bad):  
  But, Then if I knew changes needed to be made; why didn't I already make those changes?  Maby I no idea it could happen any day now.
  Could I have made those changes had I wanted to and felt ready to make the changes; could I have done so.?
  Or, Did I try to make those changes already; but it just wasn't happening?
  What happened?
  And so... how is it that your attempt to make those changes did not work?

  And finally if I needed to make some changes, and if my attempts did not work... then Why was I still there???

  How Might things have worked out differently, had I gotten help if needed; and if I had been making the changes that I could have made that could help me get out of the situation?

  *(For example: Had I gotten some help and then been able to quit drinking; I migth have been able to leave them...  Or perhaps even If I had gotten sober, maby they would have wanted to get sober bad enough to make their own changes.)

  And this is where the CODEPENDENCY sometimes comes in.  

 What is Codependency?  "Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person prioritizes the needs of another over their own, often at the expense of their own well-being and self-worth. It's characterized by excessive reliance on others for approval, a sense of identity, and a tendency to take on excessive responsibility for others' behavior and emotions. "

  More about Codepencency:
  "Key aspects of codependency:

One-sided relationships:
Codependent relationships often involve a "taker" who relies heavily on the "giver" for emotional support and validation.
 
Loss of self:
The codependent individual may neglect their own needs, interests, and desires, focusing instead on the needs of the other person. 

Poor boundaries:
Codependent individuals may struggle to set healthy boundaries, leading to over-involvement in others' lives and a lack of personal space. 

Enabling behavior:
Codependent individuals may unknowingly support or enable the unhealthy behaviors of the other person. 

Low self-esteem:
Codependent individuals often struggle with low self-esteem and a need for external validation. 

Fear of abandonment:
A fear of being alone or rejected can lead codependent individuals to stay in unhealthy relationships. 

Where it can occur:
Codependency can occur in romantic relationships, family dynamics, friendships, and other social connections. 

It's important to note:
Codependency is not a formal diagnosis in the same way that a mental disorder is, but it is a pattern of behavior that can have significant negative impacts on individuals and their relationships. 

Seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor can be beneficial for identifying and managing codependent patterns of behavior. "


  Other reasons why one cannot leave an unhealthy relationship?
    Financially broke.
    Narcicism...  "Nobody leaves me... and never leave anyone behind."  WHen narcicistic, one typically cannot really see how others truly see you.
    Thinks they aer unable to function without the other person.
    Comimitted to changign the other person.
    Thinks they cannot live without the other person.
    In very rare cases; they have been kidnapped, changed to walls, blinded with spears and literally cannot get away.

  It takes some work, but you can probably get away if you are really committed to getting away.


  The bottom Line is that we have choices to make... and Change often reqiures choices -- Hard Choices... Difficult chocies... and even confusing choices.

  But if we stay too long sometimes, our choices become limited....  Very limited... like a jail cell.


Taking Time Outs: A Great Tool for Helping Keep Potential Domestic Violence Victims from Being Harmed; And an Effective Tool for Helping Keep A Potential Domestic Violence Offender from Becoming A Person with a Domestic Violence Offense

  Did you ever wonder what is basically going to happen when a Police Person intervenes in a Domestic Violence Dispute and finds that either; a Domestic Violence crime has happened; or that a Domestic Violence crime is about to happen?  
  In such cases, perhaps a Time Out is about to happen.  Either that Police Person is going to recommend that one or both parties involved in the dispute take a Time Out.  Or that Police Person is going to require that one or the other of the parties involved has to take a time out.  
  If the Police requires a Time Out, then someone is probably going to get arrested and charged with a DV-Related Crime.
  Question: Do you need for a Police Person to come along and give you a Time Out when one is needed?  Or can you take a Time Out on your own when one is needed?


Why Time Outs?
  Time Outs are probably the most effective way to stop potentially-abusive behavior before it becomes abusive behavior.  
  Time Outs are probably the most effective way to stop a potential DV - Type of Incident before it becomes a DV Offense.
   Time Outs are probably the most effective way to stop a potential DV victim from getting attacked before she or he gets hurt.  



***  And Time Outs are probably the most effective way to stop a potential DV Offender from becoming a DV Offender. ***

  In Short: Time Outs are a VERY GOOD THING!!!
  And it is most important to remember that a Time Out does not happen until one actually takes a Time Out.  In order to benefit from Time Outs, one needs to take a Time Out.
  A Time Out should be taken at any time that a person feels that they are about to become Violent, whether it is going to be Physical Violence, Verbal Violence, Sexual Violence, Emotional Violence Psychological Violence, Social Violence, Electronic or Cyber Violence, Financial Violence, Parental Alienation, Ostracizing, Intimidation, Coercion, Threats, or even Passive-Aggressive Violence. 
  Time Outs can be a great tool that one can use to avoid any kind of Violence.  
  A Time Out is when one immediately takes himself or herself out of the situation (or is taken out of the situation immediately in order to avoid committing or continuing violence toward others or even towards one's self).
  Violence is a horribly negative energy that people (and animals) sometimes put out into the World either directly or indirectly.  Violence tends to hurt or even kill people or animals or destroy things and it is generally destructive.  It is just that simple.  
  Over the past 30 years, the U.S. Government (and other Governments) have begun to address Domestic Violence with legal sanctions such as Jail Time, Prison, Probation, Treatment Aimed At Prevention, as well as making it easier for couples to immediately separate and divorce in order to to be safe.

  When Should One Take A Time Out?
  If one begins to think about committing violence, is thinking thoughts or feeling feelings that could lead to violence of any kind.  Or if one has a history of losing their temper and one is about to lose their temper; it is time to take a Time Out instead.  
  One should be aware of his or her Red Flags that might indicate that one could be at risk of becoming violent. 
  When one feels Cues telling him or her that they are truly starting to feel like doing violence or feeling that one may soon be unable to control one's self, then it is definitely time to act.  It is time for a Time Out.  

  How does One Take a Time Out?  
  Ideas on How to Take a Time Out in order to Prevent DV are readily available.  For Example, Author and Family Therapist, Dr. Richie Cole (1993) suggested that things one should do include (These lists below are Paraphrased and Edited for inclusion): 

Things to do when Taking a Time Out:
  • 'Say you're taking a Time-Out and/or give the Time-Out hand signal
  • Immediately leave the place you're at without getting caught up in an argument or explanation.
  • Try to make sure you're positioned near an exit so your partner won't be in your pathway. If you push her on the way out, you've been physically abusive and re-violated.
  • Go away from the place you are and do a relaxation exercise or some physical activity that will not reinforce abusive actions in order to initially deal with your adrenaline rush.
  • Make a buddy contact with a group member (or a close friend) who's working the program. (This means you should have phone numbers in a few different places and always in your wallet.)
  • Call or Text your female or male partner after about 30 minutes to let them know you're taking your Time-Out and that you're not doing something destructive to yourself, to them or to the relationship. Don't get caught up in a conversation and don't talk about the matter at hand.
  • Tell her or him that you’re on your Time-Out and that you'll call them in a few hours.
  • Notice if you need to do another relaxation exercise or some activity to deal with your physiological state.
  • Do a control log analyzing your behavior. Don't examine her or his behavior.
  • Think about how you want to non-abusively deal with the situation. You may need to road-map the situation.
  • Make sure you stay away for at least four (4) hours since the adrenaline pump won't fully abate for at least that amount of time.
  • When the time is appropriate call your partner and see if she or he is open to having you return and to deal with the matter at hand. If they are, return and deal with them in a non-abusive, assertive and empathic manner. Only return or talk about the issue at hand if your partner wants to do so.
  • If the red flags reappear take another Time-Out.'

Things to NOT do when Taking a Time Out: 
  • 'Never try to give your partner a Time Out.  She or he needs to make that decision for themselves.
  • Don't give any parting shots, insults, threats or poor me-type signals.  Just leave.
  • Don't act abusively toward anyone.
  • Try not to make this into a moral situation where you determine that she or he is wrong and you are right.  Instead, I need to figure out what I am doing wrong or what I am doing that is not working for me.
  • If there is a small child around, DO NOT Bring Them into the argument.
  • Don't drink alcohol or use drugs or engage in other addictive behaviors.
  • Don't stay with, or see another person who could be thought of as a potential partner; or even a friend or family member who is the same sex/gender as your partner.
  • Don't do any behavior that will reinforce violent actions, Such as, martial arts, boxing, batting practice, shooting weapons, etc.
  • Don't return home too early.
  • Don't get caught up in an argument on the phone.
  • Don't interact with people who will reinforce violent and controlling thoughts, behaviors, or beliefs.
  • Don't think you're above and beyond a Time-Out.
  • Don't forget or fail to clearly announce your Time-Out.'




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And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.   
     

(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic     and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)


Discussion Questions:  
  How do I identifying my Red Flags?
  How to do Road-mapping a situation?
  How to do a Control Log?
  How will my Partner know if I am taking a Time Out or what it is?

Souces Include:
Richie Cole, Ph.D., LMFT, of Radical Counseling & Consultation  (Possibly formerly of the Domestic Abuse Center).
Rules for Taking Time Outs According to Dr. Daniel Sonkin.
Info about Control Logs may be found in "Education Groups For Men Who Batter, The Duluth Model"; Pence & Paymar, 1993, Springer Publishing Company, Inc.
Control Log: http://nomsintranet.org.uk/roh/official-documents/Domestic%20Abuse%20Workbook%20final.pdf
Morran, D. and Wilson, M. (1997). Men who are Violent to Women; A Groupwork Practice Manual. Russell House, Dorset.
Road-Mapping Situations.
For Info Regarding Parental Alienation, Click Here.

(Originally Posted 2020)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).
  First Published 5/18/2020, Dr. Beverly.  

Accepting full Responsibility for My Actions and The Impact of My Thinking and My Actions on Others

*DRAFT POST * PLEASE DO NOT PRINT or DISTRIBUTE *

Accepting full Responsibility for My Actions and The Impact of My Thinking and Actions on Others

  Some people are raised to always accept responsibility for what they do to others.

  But other are raised to get away with whatever they can.

  Like, I am nowhere near perfect in a moral sense -- I have definitely done wrong in my life.  And sometimes, I did own up to it.  I blamed it on others.  I did not accept responsibility for it.

  But still, I have conscience that tells me that when I do such a thing it is wrong.  I have a conscience because my mother would hardly ever defend me what someone else was angry at me.  So I had to deal with it.

  Others are raised by parents who defend them no matter what they do -- right or wrong.  What does this teach a child?  Do what you want to do.. .it don't matter who you hurt... Just walk away.. Shine it on...  We have probably all known people like that.

  DVOMB Core Competency "E" states that everyone with a DV-Related Offense should Accept the full Responsibility for their actions and the impact of their actions on others.  More specifically, it says:

E. Accept full responsibility for actions:

   1. Disclose his or her history of abuse

   2. Stop One's Self from denial and minimization

   3. Increase One's use of self-disclosure over time

   4. Accepts Responsibility for the Impact of Abuse on others; and

   5. Recognize that Abusive Behavior is Unacceptable

  Like most every other topic when studying Domestic Violence Prevention, there are words that are commonly used and that seem pretty simple.  Many are included in this Core Competency; however, some may have a slightly different meaning when applied to DV Prevention.  For example: 

  • Accepting full Responsibility for My Actions.
    • What does this look like?  

  • What does the phrase "My Actions" include (My Thinking (which might be based on my feelings and my perceptions), My Behaviors, Outward Manifestations).
    • What does this look like?  

  • The Impact of My Thinking on Others.
    • What does this look like?  

  • The Impact of My Actions on Others.
    • What does this look like?  

  • The Impact of My Thinking and My Actions on My Self.
    • What does this look like?  

  • My History of Abuse.
    • What does this look like?  

  • Stop My (or Rescue Myself) Self from Denial.
    • What does this look like?  

  • Rescue My Self from Minimization.
    • What does this look like? 

  • Increase My Use of Self Disclosure over time.
    • What does this look like?  


  • Accepts Responsibility for the Impact of My Abuse on Others.
    • What does this look like?  

  • Recognizes that My Abusive Behavior is Unacceptable.
    • What does this look like?  


  +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


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(c. 2021-2024, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)