Disaster is No Excuse for Abuse: Finding Our Chi, Eliminating Our DV and Experiencing Unbelievably wonderful Relationships -- aka Working Through the Crisis Together

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 Disaster is No Excuse for Abuse: Finding Our Chi, Eliminating Our DV and Experiencing Unbelievably wonderful Relationships -- aka Working Through the Crisis Together

Disaster Strkes.  It's a CRISIS!!!  A Perceived Emergency!  Then What?

  We often make it bigger than it really is... By Over-Reacting, 

  Sometimes we actually create new problems by Over-Reacting.  

  We might even Trigger Other Crises by carrying on like this.

  Then it can become a total mess... much bigger than when it actually started.

  Then We might start feeling awful, angry, overwhelmed, with even more extreme emotions...

  We might start negative talking about others and everythign else... -- or negative self-talking...  That's when it gets dangerous.  

  We might even be in DENIAL.

  We could start coming to invalid conclusions...  such as "I'm always the VICTIM..."  Feeling sorry for yourself.

Then What???  Anger... ANGER ...... A-N-G-E-R  !!!

Lashing out... No Good.  We might start Placing Blame...  Whether it's on yourself or others...

Then We are BARGAINING.

Then WE REALLY FEEL LIKE VICTIMS!!!  THE VICTIM.  That's totally unproductive.  

BUT we just want to trade it out for something better.

Depression...   Negatively Impacts Our Wellbeing and our Physical Health and our Self-Esteem too.

Then we might just BE READY to ACT OUT...  Why not just find something or somebody and abuse them???

Then there is TRULY NEGATIVE and DESTRUCTIVE BARGAINING...

How about if we get everybody else to feel as bad as we do today....

I mean we are having a BAD DAY...  Hence... Everyone else should have a bad DAY!!!

  No!  That's the No Good.     That's the Bad Me Talking.

  So How does all this happen?

  Well, when we feel like that, we don't always really think about the impact of our words, actions, and gestures on others -- or on ourselves for that matter...  

  And frequently, those closest to us tend to get the worst of it.

  How much DV Happens when someone is in a Crisis of Some Sort.  

  "Domestic violence can occur at any time, and it often happens in a cyclical pattern with periods of tension, violent outbursts, and then attempts at reconciliation. While domestic violence incidents can occur across the board, there's no definitive "time" or "crisis" that universally triggers it. However, domestic violence is more likely to happen when individuals are alone and no witnesses are present. It's also important to note that while crises and stressors can contribute to the overall relationship dynamics, domestic violence is not solely caused by them."  (AI Source).

  Hence, it is clear that even though a lot of DV Happens when one or both partners are in Crisis; it is important to note that CRISIS or an EMERGENCY is NOT AN EXCUSE For DV.

"Cycles of Violence:

Domestic violence often follows a pattern, with periods of escalating tension (verbal abuse, minor physical abuse) followed by a violent outburst, and then a "honeymoon" phase where the abuser attempts to make amends. 

No Specific Time or Crisis:

While stressors like financial problems, job loss, or alcohol/drug abuse can be present in abusive relationships, they don't directly cause the violence. Domestic violence is more about a power dynamic and control exerted by one person over another. 

When and Where:

Domestic violence incidents are more likely to occur when the abuser and victim are alone and no witnesses are present. While more than 60% of incidents happen at home, they can occur in various settings. 

General Statistics:

Domestic violence is a significant issue, with millions of people experiencing it annually.  Women between the ages of 20 and 24 are at higher risk, according to the Bay Area Women's Center. 

It's About Control:

Domestic abuse is rarely about losing control and more about taking control and maintaining power. It's a conscious choice made by the abuser, not a spontaneous outburst. "  (AI Source).

What does all this mean?

That being said, it stands to reason that we can learn better, more peaceful ways of dealing with our crises; we may have less DV in our lives if we do.  

DBT And CRISIS -- Several ways of dealing effectively with Crisis are included in the DBT Regimen:  

  (AI) says: "Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) provides skills to manage crisis situations effectively. These skills help individuals navigate emotional turmoil and distress without resorting to harmful behaviors. Some key aspects of DBT crisis management include: 

MentalHealth.com

DISTRESS TOLERANCE and CRISIS (Click Here for Video)

+4 (Mindfulness Guided Meditation).

Pausing  (Video: DBT Mindfulness How Skills).

Using TIPP (Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing, Paired Muscle Relaxation) (Short Version; Longer Version

Distracting with ACCEPTS (Activities, Contributing, Comparisons, Emotions, Pushing away, Thoughts, Sensations)

Practicing mindfulness"

Finding Our Innter Self, Our Healing Light, Positive Energy, Our Chi and our Faith

 and Eliminating Our DV and Experiencing Unbelievably wonderful Relationships:

Discussion Questions: 

  QUESTION:  How would you define the idea of Energy?

""

   QUESTION:  How would you describe the Energy around your Relationship with your partner around the time of your DV Offense?

""

  QUESTION: If I find my Inner Self, Healing Light, Positive Energy, my Chi and/ or my Faith – How does this sense of a very powerful positive energy help me to prevent events that sometimes lead to Domestic Violence?

“”

   QUESTION: When I get comfortable within my sense of my Chi – in what ways can that help me to experience an unbelievably wonderful Relationship?

“”

Technique(s) used during group: Discussion, Sharing their work from their Worksheets, Group response to questions.

--------------------------------------- 

  ++++++++++++++++++++++

Taking Time Outs: A Great Tool for Helping Keep Potential Domestic Violence Victims from Being Harmed; And an Effective Tool for Helping Keep A Potential Domestic Violence Offender from Becoming A Person with a Domestic Violence Offense

  Did you ever wonder what is basically going to happen when a Police Person intervenes in a Domestic Violence Dispute and finds that either; a Domestic Violence crime has happened; or that a Domestic Violence crime is about to happen?  
  In such cases, perhaps a Time Out is about to happen.  Either that Police Person is going to recommend that one or both parties involved in the dispute take a Time Out.  Or that Police Person is going to require that one or the other of the parties involved has to take a time out.  
  If the Police requires a Time Out, then someone is probably going to get arrested and charged with a DV-Related Crime.
  Question: Do you need for a Police Person to come along and give you a Time Out when one is needed?  Or can you take a Time Out on your own when one is needed?

Why Time Outs?
  Time Outs are probably the most effective way to stop potentially-abusive behavior before it becomes abusive behavior.  
  Time Outs are probably the most effective way to stop a potential DV - Type of Incident before it becomes a DV Offense.
   Time Outs are probably the most effective way to stop a potential DV victim from getting attacked before she or he gets hurt.  



***  And Time Outs are probably the most effective way to stop a potential DV Offender from becoming a DV Offender. ***

  In Short: Time Outs are a VERY GOOD THING!!!
  And it is most important to remember that a Time Out does not happen until one actually takes a Time Out.  In order to benefit from Time Outs, one needs to take a Time Out.
  A Time Out should be taken at any time that a person feels that they are about to become Violent, whether it is going to be Physical Violence, Verbal Violence, Sexual Violence, Emotional Violence Psychological Violence, Social Violence, Electronic or Cyber Violence, Financial Violence, Parental Alienation, Ostracizing, Intimidation, Coercion, Threats, or even Passive-Aggressive Violence. 
  Time Outs can be a great tool that one can use to avoid any kind of Violence.  
  A Time Out is when one immediately takes himself or herself out of the situation (or is taken out of the situation immediately in order to avoid committing or continuing violence toward others or even towards one's self).
  Violence is a horribly negative energy that people (and animals) sometimes put out into the World either directly or indirectly.  Violence tends to hurt or even kill people or animals or destroy things and it is generally destructive.  It is just that simple.  
  Over the past 30 years, the U.S. Government (and other Governments) have begun to address Domestic Violence with legal sanctions such as Jail Time, Prison, Probation, Treatment Aimed At Prevention, as well as making it easier for couples to immediately separate and divorce in order to to be safe.

  When Should One Take A Time Out?
  If one begins to think about committing violence, is thinking thoughts or feeling feelings that could lead to violence of any kind.  Or if one has a history of losing their temper and one is about to lose their temper; it is time to take a Time Out instead.  
  One should be aware of his or her Red Flags that might indicate that one could be at risk of becoming violent. 
  When one feels Cues telling him or her that they are truly starting to feel like doing violence or feeling that one may soon be unable to control one's self, then it is definitely time to act.  It is time for a Time Out.  

  How does One Take a Time Out?  
  Ideas on How to Take a Time Out in order to Prevent DV are readily available.  For Example, Author and Family Therapist, Dr. Richie Cole (1993) suggested that things one should do include (These lists below are Paraphrased and Edited for inclusion): 

Things to do when Taking a Time Out:

• 'Say you're taking a Time-Out and/or give the Time-Out hand signal
• Immediately leave the place you're at without getting caught up in an argument or explanation.
• Try to make sure you're positioned near an exit so your partner won't be in your pathway. If you push her on the way out, you've been physically abusive and re-violated.
• Go away from the place you are and do a relaxation exercise or some physical activity that will not reinforce abusive actions in order to initially deal with your adrenaline rush.
• Make a buddy contact with a group member (or a close friend) who's working the program. (This means you should have phone numbers in a few different places and always in your wallet.)
• Call or Text your female or male partner after about 30 minutes to let them know you're taking your Time-Out and that you're not doing something destructive to yourself, to them or to the relationship. Don't get caught up in a conversation and don't talk about the matter at hand.
• Tell her or him that you’re on your Time-Out and that you'll call them in a few hours.
• Notice if you need to do another relaxation exercise or some activity to deal with your physiological state.
• Do a control log analyzing your behavior. Don't examine her or his behavior.
• Think about how you want to non-abusively deal with the situation. You may need to road-map the situation.
• Make sure you stay away for at least four (4) hours since the adrenaline pump won't fully abate for at least that amount of time.
• When the time is appropriate call your partner and see if she or he is open to having you return and to deal with the matter at hand. If they are, return and deal with them in a non-abusive, assertive and empathic manner. Only return or talk about the issue at hand if your partner wants to do so.
• If the red flags reappear take another Time-Out.'

Things to NOT do when Taking a Time Out: 

• 'Never try to give your partner a Time Out.  She or he needs to make that decision for themselves.
• Don't give any parting shots, insults, threats or poor me-type signals.  Just leave.
• Don't act abusively toward anyone.
• Try not to make this into a moral situation where you determine that she or he is wrong and you are right.  Instead, I need to figure out what I am doing wrong or what I am doing that is not working for me.
• If there is a small child around, DO NOT Bring Them into the argument.
• Don't drink alcohol or use drugs or engage in other addictive behaviors.
• Don't stay with, or see another person who could be thought of as a potential partner; or even a friend or family member who is the same sex/gender as your partner.
• Don't do any behavior that will reinforce violent actions, Such as, martial arts, boxing, batting practice, shooting weapons, etc.
• Don't return home too early.
• Don't get caught up in an argument on the phone.
• Don't interact with people who will reinforce violent and controlling thoughts, behaviors, or beliefs.
• Don't think you're above and beyond a Time-Out.
• Don't forget or fail to clearly announce your Time-Out.'

*** Please Click Here 

to Complete the Attached 

        Time Out Anecdote Worksheet. ***

*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete 

your CONTROL LOG Worksheet! ***

Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.

*** Also, please Click Here to complete

your Session Feedback Form 

for today's Session. ***

And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.   

     

* Please Click Here to Work on 

Another Treatment Plan. *

(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic     and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

Discussion Questions:  
  How do I identifying my Red Flags?
  How to do Road-mapping a situation?
  How to do a Control Log?
  How will my Partner know if I am taking a Time Out or what it is?

Souces Include:
Richie Cole, Ph.D., LMFT, of Radical Counseling & Consultation  (Possibly formerly of the Domestic Abuse Center).
Rules for Taking Time Outs According to Dr. Daniel Sonkin.
Info about Control Logs may be found in "Education Groups For Men Who Batter, The Duluth Model"; Pence & Paymar, 1993, Springer Publishing Company, Inc.

Control Log: http://nomsintranet.org.uk/roh/official-documents/Domestic%20Abuse%20Workbook%20final.pdf

Morran, D. and Wilson, M. (1997). Men who are Violent to Women; A Groupwork Practice Manual. Russell House, Dorset.
Road-Mapping Situations.
For Info Regarding Parental Alienation, Click Here.

(Originally Posted 2020)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

  First Published 5/18/2020, Dr. Beverly.  

STOP, BREATHE, FOCUS, RELAX, REFLECT and CHOOSE WISELY

  Sometimes, our differences or arguments get to where someone might feel like she or he cannot think straight.  And one might even start feeling cues telling one that they are angry and might just act out.  When angry, it is a great time to take a break. When I feel my Anger Cues it is time. (Question: What are your cues?  How do you know if you are angry?)

  When I'm not sure if I need a time out; then this technique helps me clear my mind enough to where I can decide wisely whether to take a Time Out; or whether to simply do this Stop, Breathe and Focus exercise and just move forward.  
  If violence is already happening.  Or if I am really thinking about doing violence, then it is time to take a Time Out.  
  Otherwise, Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely can help me handle the situation in a constructive way.  I can do this in the same room or in a different room.
  In many cases, such a break could be a Time Out.  However, if it is not that bad; then one can do a pretty simple, easy-to-do exercise that helps them relax and adjust their thinking such that they feel a whole lot more in control of their self; while feeling a whole lot less of a need to continue to try and control their partner.
Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely is just that.  
  First, I need to decide whether or not I can stay in this same room or situation for the time being and start to focus without going to the other room.  Or if I can go into the other room without any problems anyway.  The bottom line is whether or not I can stay in this room without doing or saying something that I might regret later.
  When the tension has built up to a level where one might lose one's temper and say or do something that they will later regret, it is time to do this.  If/When I get to a point where I might do something destructive I can do the following exercise instead.
  I can quietly and respectfully withdraw from the conversation or the interaction -- while still in the room or while not in the room.  But if I stay in that room, I need to be careful that I don't irritate the other person by occupying myself with a cell phone or something, or just being disrespectful/
  The best thing -- if possible -- Is probably just to listen really good.  If this doesn't work or if the tension doesn't de-escalate, then I can walk calmly to a place where I can sit down and relax quietly and away from all the noise and other people.  And I can begin to do this exercise that will help me feel much more in control of myself; while also feeling less anxious, less angry, and feeling less of a need to act out or to say something that could cause more problems.
  Whereas a Time Out is a very effective way to prevent DV Behaviors, it takes 4 hours to do; whereas this technique (Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely) can be done in as little as 15 minutes.  
  Here is how you do it:

• Stop --  Stop Talking -- Stop Arguing -- Stop trying to Prove Something.  Stop doing what ever I am doing, get alone for a moment -- if needed.  Or just sit down if possible in the same room and  (Stop, Shut yourself up, Sit Down, and Start Breathing -- slow, deliberate deep breaths).  Either stay in that room where the argument was taking place -- and listen to the other person (only if it's safe to do that).  
• Or if needed, go into another room where you can feel peaceful.  Be by yourself for a few moments..  Listen to yourself.  It's kind of like meditating.  If you cannot leave the room where the problem is taking place, then at least sit down and shut yourself up.  Stop talking.  Stop reacting.  Focus on you.  What are you thinking?  And listen to your partner.

• Breathe --  Breathe deeply (close my eyes if I need to), get into a nice comfortable posture, feeling your body, feeling your senses, body relaxed.  All my weight on my but.  Breathe deeply – in slowly and out slowly (feel my blood cells in my lungs becoming more oxygenated, and let that flow up to my brain and it makes me think more clearly at that moment).  This can help me make better decisions..  

• Focus --   Focus on your breathing.  Focus on relaxing your body.  Focus away from what ever has been happening that has you so frustrated.  Focus on what I am facing.  The reality.  The pain.  The Anger.  The Fear.  What am I afraid of?  And what are the Possibilities (bad or good)?

• Relax --   Relax some more. Focus on breathing some more.  Relax for a few more moments…….  Take it easy….  Take some more deep breaths.  SLOWLY.  Get out of a hurry of the stress in that was in that other space.  No hurry.  Take your time.

• Reflect -- Reflect on what I would like to have happen for me right now or in the near future.  How would I like for this situation to resolve?  Continue to Relax and Breathe as you do this -------   
• And Reflect on what I would like for this moment or for my life to be remembered for as I get older.  Do I want to be remembered as someone with DV-type problems, DV convictions etc...?  Or do I want to be remembered as someone who really cared for people and cared for myself, and showed it by doing the right thing(s) such as Stop, Breathe and Focus; rather than fighting?  
• Disengage from the Craziness in that other space.... (Stop chasing the solution with that other person for right now.)

• Re-Focus --  Now, Re-Focus on what I need to do right now to feel better.  Do I need to take a Time Out?  (Remember... Sobriety is a must in these situations.).  
• Think: "What -- if anything -- has to happen right now?"  
• Does anything really need to be done right this minute?  
• Is this an emergency?  Probably not.  
• Or can it wait for just a little while, or few days or weeks?  
• Keep breathing deeply, Relaxing, Focusing...  
• What can I do to turn this into a situation that works for me?  
• And how does patience help me right now?  
• Keep doing the deep breathing.  Keep doing the right thing.

• Choose Wisely --  Choose what you need to do right now (if anything).  Choose something that will BOTH prevent any more bad feelings regarding this situation right now; and/or something that will help you address the situation in a way that is non-threatening, peaceful, respectful, helpful, and a win-win solution for everyone.  
• Or be patient until you have such a solution.  
• (Then when you present a solution to the other person -- be sure to first: Listen to what your partner is saying; and also remember that as you speak about your ideas, you must be flexible).  
• And always continue with patience.

  Remember, the smartest thing one can do in many of these types of situations is to listen.
  Just sit down, shut up (unless asked a question), and listen carefully at what is being said.    This is not about giving your partner the silent treatment.  Basically, this is about stopping the competition between you.

Try to Remember the words of President John F. Kennedy: 

“Our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. And we are all mortal.”

  Pay attention to your partner.  How is your partner feeling right now?

When talk about your feelings and thoughts, use "I" statements.

  How is she or he feeling about this?   
  Accept how they are feeling.  Be compassionate.
  Listen.  There is no requirement to win something against your partner in such a situation.
  After all, this is a partnership right?  
  In partnerships, BOTH people should win at the same time.

*** PLEASE CLICK ON THIS LINK TO COMPLETE YOUR 

STOP BREATHE FOCUS RELAX REFLECT and CHOOSE WISELY WORKSHEET ***

(Originally published 6/3/2020)

 

(c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Using The Control Log Process In Order to Prevent Domestic Violence

  When we are at Risk of Domestic Violence happening, we sometimes need a tool that we can enlist to help prevent things from escalating.  And we usually need it Right Away!!!  There's no time to lose in such situations...  

  It seems perhaps that the Most Effective Emergency tools for prevention of Domestic Violence could be -- for example: 

1. Taking Time Outs; 

2. Doing a Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely Exercise;

3. Communication for Healthy Relationships -- In a Crisis, this might be mostly Sitting Down, Calmly, and Listening Respectfully until the heat is gone; 

4. Effectively using supports, or reaching out to our Social Support Networks, our Families, Close Friends, Therapists, Probation Officers -- or even call a Support Hotline, or some other person who will listen who can help you navigate this situation; and 

5. Going through the Control Log Process?

 Why A Control Log?  Well Why Not?

  Part of the problem with Domestic Violence is that it often comes out of our attempts to control people, situations and things that we either cannot or should not be trying to control in the first place...  I just get more frustrated when I do this.  But this often brings more problems for everyone involved.  And it doesn't solve anything.  Also at some times, we don't even realize that we are doing this -- trying to control someone or something.

 One of the Best Tools for Understanding and Preventing DV can be the Control Log Process.  Basically, the Control Log Process can be used in two (or more) different ways: 

1. To document abuse that is happening to you -- For example: This is how that person was trying to control me...  or in Analyzing the other person's behaviors to get a glimpse of what is really happening at the time; and / or

2. The other way to use a Control Log is as a Process Instrument that helps us to explore and to better understand the situations that we are in; and how our apparent desire and / or our need to control things and / or the other people involved in our lives manifests and then eventually causes problems for us and for others -- like How did I get into this mess in the first place? and / or

3. A Control Log can help with identification, understanding and management of self-destructive or other-destructive impulses. 

  For example, many of us might find ourselves going through the following questions as we try to sort things out.  Imagine you are in the middle of a crisis and that you really feel a need to do something.  But perhaps, the smartest thing you could do right now would be to sit down alone, relax, drink a glass of water, and ponder some of the questions below:  

 --- Why is it that I feel I really need to have control right now?  Am I afraid of something? If so, what am I afraid of?  And keep in mind that Fear is often a strong motivator for violence.  Have you ever gotten to a point where you realized the only thing you can really do at that time is just give it up for the moment, sit down, and try to relax for a few minutes.

 --- It's one thing if I need more self-control so that I don't hurt anyone else.  But it's another thing if I just want to control the situation or to control someone else in order to get something that I want.

 --- What am I trying to control in the first place?  In some cases, I might just be trying to control my self... or my temper... or trying to end the pain and anguish that I'm in.  This might be okay.

 --- But, what is so powerful about this situation that makes me so frustrated?  Could it be that I'm feeling either out of control my self, or that I'm bothered by my lack of ability to control other people?

 --- What is it about me that has to take control and then to feel that I have to make this change happen in THIS PARTICULAR WAY… Right Now?  

 --- How might this change bring me relief anyway?  Is this really the solution?

 --- Surely, we need to have control over ourselves, Right?  

 --- But do we really need to control other people or situations?  In the case of small children or others that would otherwise be in immediate danger, it could be different though.  

 --- Perhaps, sometimes, I should try to only control my own part of a given situation.  Because I can't expect my self to be able to control the others in this situation, can I?  And this goes double in cases where I still can't even control my self.

 --- Is it not hard enough for me to just control my self then?  Quite possibly.

 --- So then, why do I want to control other people and situations involving others?  Now that's a good question!

 --- When I am trying to control someone else do I ever ask my self the following questions: What is it that is so important that it Must happen Right Now… -- even at the risk of interfering in someone else's life???  

 --- Or Why Must I control this Right Now...?  Do I really think I can control this?  If not, then why on Earth would I put everything at risk to try and control this?

 --- Our sense of Urgency and Frustration often comes out of us wanting something to get fixed right away.. even though it’s not likely to happen that way at all.

--- So Why can’t I just take some time – and Relax and Be Patient?…  Great Idea!  Work on my patience Right Now; instead of trying  to force a change that requires someone else to make a decision.

--- Then, perhaps, I will be ready to reasonably Consider what I’m doing or what I am about to do.... right?  And then I could try again... next time with more patience, more flexibility, and more empathy for the other people involved.  And then I could finally let go of trying to control others?

  So, Why not just take a Time Out Right Now???  Otherwise, the police might make me take a Time Out?  And that wouldn't be any fun, now would it?

 --- In the first place, why do I feel like I need to take a Time Out?  (This is where I should start finding lots of good reasons for taking a Time out.... Right Now!!!)

 --- Ok... so when I was taking my Time Out for instance… What was it that I found that apparently just had to happen or not to happen that created this level of frustration in the first place?  

  And then while I was on my Time Out, I learned that there are several things I could do to take care of my self, including: Relaxation exercises; Reaching out to supportive and helpful others; Developing more awareness about what exactly is going on with me -- and of course, a great tool for this might be to complete a Control Log Process.  

What is a Control Log?

  A Control Log is largely about the simple -- albeit extremely helpful -- task of separating the things that I can change from the things that I cannot change.

  The Control Log helps us take a closer look at what is going on with us around the situation that involves other people.  And it also might possibly help us generate insights about ways to do things that could yield much more positive results.  

  Rather than doing things that might hurt other people or might get us into trouble; a Control Log Process can help us prevent trouble instead.  After all, who really needs more trouble?

  And Remember, The Control Log can help us get a grip on what's going on Right Now.  And that can also be really helpful.

  So, What does a Control Log Look Like?  Or am I too controlling, in assuming that a Control Log actually looks like anything in particular?  After all, a Control Log is mostly just a thinking exercise... that we do in our minds or on paper.  Kind of like Mindfulness, in a way...  But it's more focused directly on preventing violence.

One Version of a CONTROL LOG could Include the following Items:

  For Example: Something possibly bad is happening in my life, and my alarm bells are going off...  I might be feeling angry, defeated, hurt, insecure, jealous, I might even feel put down or belittled or even disrespected and abandoned.  Or I might just be scared.  So where does that leave me....???  Probably a pretty empty place.  

  I am finding my self at a place where the most important thing becomes me being able to control my self -- and no one else...    

  But unfortunately I have already done or said something that I will probably regret.  So what can I do now?  

>>> Questions about the following -- for me to ask my self:  

Start Right Here with Your Control Log Process:

• >>> >>> Who is actually Involved in this situation -- who are the stakeholders here?  

• >>> >>> What is the Problem as I see it - on the face of it - right now at this time?  What is it?  What's the big deal?

• >>> >>> Actions: Describe the actions that I would use to either try and control the                          situation; or to try and control or change something about my partner?

• >>> >>> Intentions: What am I intending to happen at this time?  What do I really want (or need) to happen at this time?  What am I trying to make happen?  Who am I really doing this for?

• >>> >>> Beliefs: What beliefs do I have that helped me generate my Intentions which led to my possible Actions right now -- which could lead to my Regrets and / or my Rationalizations and / or my false Justifications about what is about to happen?  What am I believing -- at this time -- that I seem to be trying and use to justify my actions?  And Why am I believing that?  Could it be that I believe that I need to; and / or have a Right to control my partner or someone else?  Or do I just think I have a Right to get my way?

• >>> >>> Feelings: What feelings am I having at this time?  What am I feeling?  Am I feeling insecure?  Am I feeling frustrated, angry, empty, defeated, fed-up, or even just afraid?  So, why can't I just stop right here and go down a different path...???  I wish I could!  An Avenue that could help me to better deal with the way that I am feeling?  And also an Avenue where using substances or violence is not the answer?  Because Note This: At times, tragically it seems Substances and Violence are used to quench our most intense feelings.

• >>> >>> Minimization, Denial and Blame:  Can I just go ahead now and admit that These are My actions???  And these are My feelings?!?!?!  (Truly other people might have been involved -- and were even there at that time.  But my actions are My actions, correct?  I made My choices and now I have to live with the consequences.  And I really can't blame the victim for my own desperation, now can I?  So In what ways am I minimizing, denying or totally underestimating the possible impact of my actions?  And why was I trying to blame my actions on someone else?  Was I trying to blame the victim because the Victim wasn't doing what I wanted her or him to do at that time?  Or was I trying to be a martyr?  Was I hoping someone might feel sorry for me?  What good would that do anyway?

• >>> >>> Effects: #1. What was / or could be the Impact of my actions on me?

• >>> >>> Effects: #2. What was / or could be the Impact of my actions on my Partner or on the Victim?

• >>> >>> Effects: #3. What was / or could be the Impact of my actions on the other people around me, such as my kids, or other innocent by-standers; or even the Police?

• >>> >>> Past Violence:  #1. What was / or could be the Impact of my past experiences with violence on me and what I did here?  How has my past influenced what is happening now?  For example, if I have some Trauma, how did that impact what I did here?

• >>> >>> Past Violence:  #2. What was / or could be the Impact of my past violent actions against my partner or my victim?  If I had hurt my partner before, what was this event like for her or him?

• >>> >>> Possible Solutions, Non-Controlling Behaviors and Preventive Strategies: What are some examples of non-Controlling Behaviors that I could have used instead of what I did this time?  How might I have solved or prevented this situation from happening in the first place?  (Hint: I could have focused on controlling Only Myself.  And then I could have Looked for possible win-win solutions [And remember, it's not a "Win" for your partner unless your partner feels like it is a win).  

• Think about it: "What was the Problem as I saw it -- on the face of it -- right at that time?"  
•   And now consider What are some examples of non-Controlling and non-Violent and non-Intrusive Behaviors that I could have used instead of what I did?

• Now, think for just a few minutes more. Consider the fact that the Control Log Process is largely just a Thought Process.  It's a way of thinking...... in advance of our behaviors.  It can be a very helpful way of thinking.  It's just a few steps in our Thought Process that can save us lots of trouble.

• So Remember, the Basic Control Log Steps include: 
1. Getting Real about what is going on and what I think I want or need to happen Right Now;
2. Consider my Actions, my Intentions, my Beliefs, and my Feelings; 
3. Ask yourself: Am I taking Accountability for my Actions here, or am I trying to minimize, deny and blame what I am doing on someone else?  And most of all, Am I really being Me here?  Am I being my genuine self?  Or am I just going through the motions again?
4. What are the Effects and Impacts (or possible Effects and Impacts) of my prospective Actions on myself and on others -- especially the ones that I say that I love?;
5. How does my Past Violence play a role here; 
6. And Finally, How could I possibly do this differently that would include Non-Violence, Prevention and Solutions instead of what happened before?

• Now: How might it have helped this situation if I had completed a Control Log Process -- or at least went through these Control Log steps (above) in my head before taking any further action?  I might have averted the crisis all together.  

• And remember: It's important to know that Nobody's perfect.  But having a plan and some skills such as the Control Log Process can really make a heck of a difference in a difficult situation.  The ultimate goal of a Control Log is to help me realize that if I am doing pretty good i might even be perhaps lucky enough to be able to control myself;  I might be able to realize and accept that I really have no reason to try and control anyone else...

*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete your CONTROL LOG Worksheet! ***

Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.

*** Also, please Click Here complete your Session Feedback Form for today's Session.

And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.       

 

* Please Click Here to Work on Another Treatment Plan. *

 You may Click HERE for a Refresher on Taking Time Outs.

*** Please Click Here to Complete the 

Attached Time Out Anecdote Worksheet. 

and

Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Sources: 

• Richie Cole, Ph.D., LMFT, of Radical Counseling & Consultation  (Possibly formerly of the Domestic Abuse Center).
• Rules for Taking Time Outs According to Dr. Daniel Sonkin.
• Info about Control Logs may be found in "Education Groups For Men Who Batter, The Duluth Model"; Pence & Paymar, 1993, Springer Publishing Company, Inc.
• Control Log: http://nomsintranet.org.uk/roh/official-documents/Domestic%20Abuse%20Workbook%20final.pdf
• Morran, D. and Wilson, M. (1997). Men who are Violent to Women; A Groupwork Practice Manual. Russell House, Dorset.
• Road-Mapping Situations.
• For Info Regarding Parental Alienation, Click Here.

(Originally Posted April 5, 2021)

(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic     and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

What Difference Can I Make? Options, Choices, Decisions and Consequences

 *** DRAFT POST: Please Do Not re-post, copy, or print.  ***

 What Difference Can I Make? 

  Options, Choices, Decisions and Consequences

Food For Thought...

Think about the situation you were in before your DV Charge?  

Think about it this way for a second: 

   What about that situation probably needed changing before it happened?

Think about your DV Charge -- 

  If I had made changes to what probably needed changing; 

would my DV Charge had happened in the first place?

 Or did I even know there were changes needed; because the alternative could be disasterous.

  Now that I got my DV Charge; what changes can I make to be sure that I never again have DV in my life?

  It's important to note that in DV Treatment; it's typically NOT about changes that someone else should have made -- or changes they should make.

  It's about changes that I can make or changes that I made -- leading to better or worse circumstances.

  But in order to know that I need to make some changes; I have to be totally aware.  It's almost like I have to have a crystal ball to tell me the future.  We cannot always see what's about to happen.  

  Nonetheless, a person could try to be more aware what could happen and then work on ways to avoid it.

  So, if there was a change that I coulda-shoulda-woulda made; then why didn't I make it already?

  Maby I did not see it at that time?

  Maby I saw it, but I didn't realize at that time how important it was?  (Kind of like having a slow leak on a tire.... and you have to drive to Pueblo...)

  Or maby I didnt' want to make that change?

  Or maby I wanted to make the change...  but only once I had no other choice?

  Maby I tried to get away; but it just wasn't working?

  Like an Autopsy -- Trying to discover what happened, 

  How it happened.

  Why this happened to him.

  And How it could have been avoided.

What changes can I make now to be sure it never happens again.

50 Ways to Leave your Lover.

Other Notes: 

Hard question (This may not apply to you; and it is NOT meant to make anyone feel bad):  

  But, Then if I knew changes needed to be made; why didn't I already make those changes?  Maby I no idea it could happen any day now.

  Could I have made those changes had I wanted to and felt ready to make the changes; could I have done so.?

  Or, Did I try to make those changes already; but it just wasn't happening?

  What happened?

  And so... how is it that your attempt to make those changes did not work?

  And finally if I needed to make some changes, and if my attempts did not work... then Why was I still there???

  How Might things have worked out differently, had I gotten help if needed; and if I had been making the changes that I could have made that could help me get out of the situation?

  *(For example: Had I gotten some help and then been able to quit drinking; I migth have been able to leave them...  Or perhaps even If I had gotten sober, maby they would have wanted to get sober bad enough to make their own changes.)

  And this is where the CODEPENDENCY sometimes comes in.  

 What is Codependency?  "Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person prioritizes the needs of another over their own, often at the expense of their own well-being and self-worth. It's characterized by excessive reliance on others for approval, a sense of identity, and a tendency to take on excessive responsibility for others' behavior and emotions. "

  More about Codepencency:

  "Key aspects of codependency:

One-sided relationships:

Codependent relationships often involve a "taker" who relies heavily on the "giver" for emotional support and validation.

 

Loss of self:

The codependent individual may neglect their own needs, interests, and desires, focusing instead on the needs of the other person. 

Poor boundaries:

Codependent individuals may struggle to set healthy boundaries, leading to over-involvement in others' lives and a lack of personal space. 

Enabling behavior:

Codependent individuals may unknowingly support or enable the unhealthy behaviors of the other person. 

Low self-esteem:

Codependent individuals often struggle with low self-esteem and a need for external validation. 

Fear of abandonment:

A fear of being alone or rejected can lead codependent individuals to stay in unhealthy relationships. 

Where it can occur:

Codependency can occur in romantic relationships, family dynamics, friendships, and other social connections. 

It's important to note:

Codependency is not a formal diagnosis in the same way that a mental disorder is, but it is a pattern of behavior that can have significant negative impacts on individuals and their relationships. 

Seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor can be beneficial for identifying and managing codependent patterns of behavior. "

  Other reasons why one cannot leave an unhealthy relationship?

    Financially broke.

    Narcicism...  "Nobody leaves me... and never leave anyone behind."  WHen narcicistic, one typically cannot really see how others truly see you.

    Thinks they aer unable to function without the other person.

    Comimitted to changign the other person.

    Thinks they cannot live without the other person.

    In very rare cases; they have been kidnapped, changed to walls, blinded with spears and literally cannot get away.

  It takes some work, but you can probably get away if you are really committed to getting away.

  The bottom Line is that we have choices to make... and Change often reqiures choices -- Hard Choices... Difficult chocies... and even confusing choices.

  But if we stay too long sometimes, our choices become limited....  Very limited... like a jail cell.