Using The Control Log Process In Order to Prevent Domestic Violence

  When we are at Risk of Domestic Violence happening, we sometimes need a tool that we can enlist to help prevent things from escalating.  And we usually need it Right Away!!!  There's no time to lose in such situations...  

  It seems perhaps that the Most Effective Emergency tools for prevention of Domestic Violence could be -- for example: 

1. Taking Time Outs; 

2. Doing a Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely Exercise;

3. Communication for Healthy Relationships -- In a Crisis, this might be mostly Sitting Down, Calmly, and Listening Respectfully until the heat is gone; 

4. Effectively using or reaching out to our Social Support Networks, our Families, Close Friends, Therapists, Probation Officers -- or even call a Support Hotline, or some other person who will listen who can help you navigate this situation; and 

5. Going through the Control Log Process?

 Why A Control Log?  Well Why Not?

  Part of the problem with Domestic Violence is that it often comes out of our attempts to control people, situations and things.  But this often brings more problems for everyone involved.  And it doesn't solve anything.  Also at some times, we don't even realize that we are doing this -- trying to control someone or something.

 One of the Best Tools for Understanding and Preventing DV can be the Control Log Process.  Basically, the Control Log Process can be used in two (or more) different ways: 

1. To document abuse that is happening to you -- For example: This is how that person was trying to control me...  or in Analyzing the other person's behaviors to get a glimpse of what is really happening at the time; and / or

2. The other way to use a Control Log is as a Process Instrument that helps us to explore and to better understand the situations that we are in; and how our apparent desire and / or our need to control things and / or the other people involved in our lives manifests and then eventually causes problems for us and for others.

  For example, many of us might find ourselves going through the following questions as we try to sort things out.  Imagine you are in the middle of a crisis and that you really feel a need to do something.  But perhaps, the smartest thing you could do right now would be to sit down alone, relax, drink a glass of water, and ponder some of the questions below:  

 --- Why is it that I feel I really need to have control right now?  Am I afraid of something? If so, what am I afraid of?  And keep in mind that Fear is often a strong motivator for violence.

 --- It's one thing if I need more self-control so that I don't hurt anyone else.  But it's another thing if I just want to control the situation or to control someone else in order to get something that I want.

 --- What am I trying to control in the first place?  In some cases, I might just be trying to control my self... or my temper... or trying to end the pain and anguish that I'm in.  This might be okay.

 --- But, what is so powerful about this situation that makes me so frustrated?  Could it be that I'm feeling either out of control my self, or that I'm bothered by my lack of ability to control other people?

 --- What is it about me that has to take control and then to feel that I have to make this change happen in THIS PARTICULAR WAY… Right Now?  

 --- How might this change bring me relief anyway?  Is this really the solution?

 --- Surely, we need to have control over ourselves, Right?  

 --- But do we really need to control other people or situations?  In the case of small children or others that would otherwise be in immediate danger, it could be different though.  

 --- Perhaps, sometimes, I should try to only control my own part of a given situation.  Because I can't expect my self to be able to control the others in this situation, can I?  And this goes double in cases where I still can't even control my self.

 --- Is it not hard enough for me to just control my self then?  Quite possibly.

 --- So then, why do I want to control other people and situations involving others?  Now that's a good question!

 --- When I am trying to control someone else do I ever ask my self the following questions: What is it that is so important that it Must happen Right Now…-- even at the risk of interfering in someone else's life???  

 --- Or Why Must I control this Right Now...?  Do I really think I can control this?  If not, then why on Earth would I put everything at risk to try and control this?

 --- Our sense of Urgency and Frustration often comes out of us wanting something to get fixed right away.. even though it’s not likely to happen that way at all.

--- So Why can’t I just take some time – and Relax and Be Patient?…  Great Idea!  Work on my patience Right Now; instead of trying  to force a change that requires someone else to make a decision.

--- Then, perhaps, I will be ready to reasonably Consider what I’m doing or what I am about to do.... right?  And then I could try again... next time with more patience, more flexibility, and more empathy for the other people involved.  And then I could finally let go of trying to control others?

  So, Why not just take a Time Out Right Now???  Otherwise, the police might make me take a Time Out?  And that wouldn't be any fun, now would it?

 --- In the first place, why do I feel like I need to take a Time Out?  (This is where I should start finding lots of good reasons for taking a Time out.... Right Now!!!)

 --- Ok... so when I was taking my Time Out for instance… What was it that I found that apparently just had to happen or not to happen that created this level of frustration in the first place?  

  And then while I was on my Time Out, I learned that there are several things I could do to take care of my self, including: Relaxation exercises; Reaching out to supportive and helpful others; Developing more awareness about what exactly is going on with me -- and of course, a great tool for this might be to complete a Control Log Process.  

What is a Control Log?

  A Control Log is largely about the simple -- albeit extremely helpful -- task of separating the things that I can change from the things that I cannot change.

  The Control Log helps us take a closer look at what is going on with us around the situation that involves other people.  And it also might possibly help us generate insights about ways to do things that could yield much more positive results.  

  Rather than doing things that might hurt other people or might get us into trouble; a Control Log Process can help us prevent trouble instead.  After all, who really needs more trouble?

  And Remember, The Control Log can help us get a grip on what's going on Right Now.  And that can also be really helpful.

  So, What does a Control Log Look Like?  Or am I too controlling, in assuming that a Control Log actually looks like anything in particular?  After all, a Control Log is mostly just a thinking exercise... that we do in our minds or on paper.  Kind of like Mindfulness, in a way...  But it's more focused directly on preventing violence.

One Version of a CONTROL LOG could Include the following Items:

  For Example: Something possibly bad is happening in my life, and my alarm bells are going off...  I might be feeling angry, defeated, hurt, insecure, jealous, I might even feel put down or belittled or even disrespected and abandoned.  Or I might just be scared.  So where does that leave me....???  Probably a pretty empty place.  

  I am finding my self at a place where the most important thing becomes me being able to control my self -- and no one else...    

  But unfortunately I have already done or said something that I will probably regret.  So what can I do now?  

>>> Questions about the following -- for me to ask my self:  

Start Right Here with Your Control Log Process:

• >>> >>> Who is actually Involved in this situation -- who are the stakeholders here?  

• >>> >>> What is the Problem as I see it - on the face of it - right now at this time?  What is it?  What's the big deal?

• >>> >>> Actions: Describe the actions that I would use to either try and control the                          situation; or to try and control or change something about my partner?

• >>> >>> Intentions: What am I intending to happen at this time?  What do I really want (or need) to happen at this time?  What am I trying to make happen?  Who am I really doing this for?

• >>> >>> Beliefs: What beliefs do I have that helped me generate my Intentions which led to my possible Actions right -- which could lead to my Regrets and / or my Rationalizations and / or my false Justifications about what is about to happen?  What am I believing -- at this time -- that I seem to be trying and use to justify my actions?  And Why am I believing that?  Could it be that I believe that I need to; and / or have a Right to control my partner or someone else?  Or do I just think I have a Right to get my way?

• >>> >>> Feelings: What feelings am I having at this time?  What am I feeling?  Am I feeling insecure?  Am I feeling frustrated, angry, empty, defeated, fed-up, or even just afraid?  So, why can't I just stop right here and go down a different path...???  I wish I could!  An Avenue that could help me to better deal with the way that I am feeling?  And also an Avenue where using substances or violence could is not the answer?  Because Note This: At times, tragically it seems Substances and Violence are used to quench our most intense feelings.

• >>> >>> Minimization, Denial and Blame:  Can I just go ahead now and admit that These are My actions???  And these are My feelings?!?!?!  (Truly other people might have been involved -- and were even there at that time.  But my actions are My actions, correct?  I made My choices and now I have to live with the consequences.  And I really can't blame the victim for my own desperation, now can I?  So In what ways am I minimizing, denying or totally underestimating the possible impact of my actions?  And why was I trying to blame my actions on someone else?  Was I trying to blame the victim because the Victim wasn't doing what I wanted her or him to do at that time?  Or was I trying to be a martyr?  Was I hoping someone might feel sorry for me?  What good would that do anyway?

• >>> >>> Effects: #1. What was / or could be the Impact of my actions on me?

• >>> >>> Effects: #2. What was / or could be the Impact of my actions on my Partner or on the Victim?

• >>> >>> Effects: #3. What was / or could be the Impact of my actions on the other people around me, such as my kids, or other innocent by-standers; or even the Police?

• >>> >>> Past Violence:  #1. What was / or could be the Impact of my past experiences with violence on me and what I did here?  How has my past influenced what is happening now?  For example, if I have some Trauma, how did that impact what I did here?

• >>> >>> Past Violence:  #2. What was / or could be the Impact of my past violent actions against my partner or my victim?  If I had hurt my partner before, what was this event like for her or him?

• >>> >>> Possible Solutions, Non-Controlling Behaviors and Preventive Strategies: What are some examples of non-Controlling Behaviors that I could have used instead of what I did this time?  How might I have solved or prevented this situation from happening in the first place?  (Hint: I could have focused on controlling Only Myself.  And then I could have Looked for possible win-win solutions [And remember, it's not a "Win" for your partner unless your partner feels like it is a win).  

• Think about it: "What was the Problem as I saw it -- on the face of it -- right at that time?"  
•   And now consider What are some examples of non-Controlling and non-Violent and non-Intrusive Behaviors that I could have used instead of what I did?

• Now, think for just a few minutes more. Consider the fact that the Control Log Process is largely just a Thought Process.  It's a way of thinking...... in advance of our behaviors.  It can be a very helpful way of thinking.  It's just a few steps in our Thought Process that can save us lots of trouble.

• So Remember, the Basic Control Log Steps include: 
1. Getting Real about what is going on and what I think I want or need to happen Right Now;
2. Consider my Actions, my Intentions, my Beliefs, and my Feelings; 
3. Ask yourself: Am I taking Accountability for my Actions here, or am I trying to minimize, deny and blame what I am doing on someone else?  And most of all, Am I really being Me here?  Am I being my genuine self?  Or am I just going through the motions again?
4. What are the Effects and Impacts (or possible Effects and Impacts) of my prospective Actions on myself and on others -- especially the ones that I say that I love?;
5. How does my Past Violence play a role here; 
6. And Finally, How could I possibly do this differently that would include Non-Violence, Prevention and Solutions instead of what happened before?

• Now: How might it have helped this situation if I had completed a Control Log Process -- or at least went through these Control Log steps (above) in my head before taking any further action?  I might have averted the crisis all together.  

• And remember: It's important to know that Nobody's perfect.  But having a plan and some skills such as the Control Log Process can really make a heck of a difference in a difficult situation.  The ultimate goal of a Control Log is to help me realize that if I am doing pretty good i might even be perhaps lucky enough to be able to control myself;  I might be able to realize and accept that I really have no reason to try and control anyone else...

*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete your CONTROL LOG Worksheet! ***

Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.

*** Also, please Click Here complete your Session Feedback Form for today's Session.

And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.       

 

* Please Click Here to Work on Another Treatment Plan. *

 You may Click HERE for a Refresher on Taking Time Outs.

*** Please Click Here to Complete the 

Attached Time Out Anecdote Worksheet. 

and

Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Sources: 

• Richie Cole, Ph.D., LMFT, of Radical Counseling & Consultation  (Possibly formerly of the Domestic Abuse Center).
• Rules for Taking Time Outs According to Dr. Daniel Sonkin.
• Info about Control Logs may be found in "Education Groups For Men Who Batter, The Duluth Model"; Pence & Paymar, 1993, Springer Publishing Company, Inc.
• Control Log: http://nomsintranet.org.uk/roh/official-documents/Domestic%20Abuse%20Workbook%20final.pdf
• Morran, D. and Wilson, M. (1997). Men who are Violent to Women; A Groupwork Practice Manual. Russell House, Dorset.
• Road-Mapping Situations.
• For Info Regarding Parental Alienation, Click Here.

(Originally Posted April 5, 2021)

(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic     and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

Moving from Being Considered the "Offender" in a Domestic Violence Case, (yet Feeling Like a Victim); Toward Becoming an Accountable Survivor

 What does it take to successfully move from feeling like a Victim in a Domestic Violence Situation, but actually being labelled as the "Offender" in that same situation; to becoming a Survivor in that same situation? 

  Even if one is charged with an Offense that includes a DV Enhancer; though one was Charged as an Offender or a Perpetrator; one often feels like THE VICTIM.  

  Why is that?  How does this happen?  Let us Count the ways....

  One basic fact is that a lot of people being charged with DV Offenses have in their lives -- at one point or another -- been victims of Domestic Violence or Family Violence (as an adult; or Child Abuse; or Neglect as a child).  Sometimes even within coupling -- meaning that in some cases, the person who is now Officially the "Victim"; has at times in the past been a perpetrator of abuse against the person who is now considered the "Offender". 

  Look at it this way -- Many circumstances can twist the situation around to where such confusion can happen:  For example: One might even feel like they are a victim of the situation, or a victim of alcohol dependence -- Perhaps, they get angry when they drink and they think its the Alcohol's fault.  

  Or perhaps they feel like a victim of poverty -- like being poor all their lives.  

  Or a victim of the system.  

  Some might even think that the whole reason that they got into trouble was because they are from a different culture or race or a different sexual orientation than a lot of other people around.  

  Or they think the only reason they got into trouble was because the policeman did not like them.  

  Some people might even be a victim of a bad break-up.  

  Some people might even feel like a victim to a mental disorder -- perhaps when they are sick with their psychological problems, they don't think straight...  and that's not fair is it?

  But it goes on and on and on and on...  

  And surely many of these possible reasons or excuses may be valid on one hand.  However, the fact is that just before the point where they got into trouble, they made some choices...  

  Such as a person with an alcohol / anger problem deciding to drink.  

  Or a person with a psychiatric disorder deciding NOT to take their meds.  

  Or they spent the last 2 years telling their partner that they don't really need help with Anger Management... even though their partner has told them many times before that their violence against them is unacceptable.

  But there is a major disconnect here it seems.  Right?

   One problem is that in order to successfully move on in life after a DV Offense, one MUST take Accountability and learn ways to NEVER AGAIN commit Domestic Violence; That's why we go to DV Treatment.

  This way, no one needs to become a Repeat Domestic Violence Offender.  In short, one needs to learn how to prevent DV from occurring in any way in one's life -- even if it means they can never again have a drink of alcohol.

ON The Same Note: It also helps to remember that the Court divides people in Criminal cases into Victims and Offenders.  So frequently, an Offender might also feel like they were victimized.  But the Court is not necessarily going to recognize their Victimhood this time... 

So What is This Really All About?

  This lesson is intended to help better explain how one CAN MOVE ON beyond feeling like a VICTIM; toward feeling like an Accountable Survivor.  There are few things worse than getting stuck in the land of Victimhood; Right? 

  And, it is highly possible large part of the passage-way from Victim to Survivor is through Accountability.  There are probably few Virtues more important and more fruitful than holding one's self Accountable.

  Mind you; THIS IS IN NO WAY ABOUT BLAMING THE VICTIM!  Hence, one should never twist these words around to make it sound like it is suggested that your DV Offense is actually the Victim's fault.

  At the same time, there is nothing wrong a person who feels like a Victim; taking it upon her or his self to find her or his own sense of Accountability about how she or he got into this situation in the first place.

 First, think about this:  What does the word Accountability mean to you in terms of your Domestic Violence Offense?

  Like really.... Think about it for a moment?!?!?!?

  Let's check out what the Experts say:

  Accountability can be defined in various ways. 

   Accountability can be defined as: "The quality or state of being accountable especially: an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions ..." (Source).

   Fair???

   Accountability can also be defined as: "According to Social Workers: "Accountability means being obliged and responsible to others."  "Accountability means being answerable to others and is related to responsibility.  One takes responsibility for actions but one is held accountable"(Source). 

   Fair???

   Finally, Accountability can be defined this way: "Psychologists define Accountability as: “The condition of having to answer, explain, or justify one's actions or beliefs to another. It often includes the possibility that you will be held responsible and punished if your acts cannot be justified, or rewarded if your actions are justified.  Accountability is a composite of numerous factors: being held responsible for one’s actions, presence of another, being identifiable as an actor, evaluation by an audience, and providing validation for one’s behavior" (Source).

  

  It also helps to think about what is a Victim; versus what is a Survivor?

A Victim could be thought of as: 

  “One that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions (a victim of cancer, a victim of an auto crash, a murder victim).  (Maby even a victim of DV?)

  A Victim could also be: One that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment.  For example: a frequent victim of political attacks, one that is tricked or duped, or even a conman's victim.”  (Source)

Question: Would a person who knows that when he drinks too much he gets angry and violent truly be a victim of the alcohol if he had consequences to deal with?

  Sure, he could say that the Alcohol contributed to his bad behavior.  However, he would also have to accept the fact that he chose to drink and/or he chose not to get help for his problem before it was too late.

  However, even if one has this problem, one MUST be Accountable for their behavior and for any related damages to person or property. 

  It's also important to note that a serious Challenge for a lot of good people is overcoming their cravings and/or dependency on Alcohol, drugs, gambling, casual sex or other self-destructive behaviors.  And persons who quit drinking or other behaviors are often thought of as "Recovering Alcoholics"  or Recovering Gamblers etc.. -- rather than cured.  Or perhaps a Surviving Alcoholic or a surviving Gambler.  But hopefully, In Recovery; meaning they are sober or they have actually quit the behavior.  It's also important to note that for many people, these struggles last their entire lives.  So given that, how is this behavior 100% their fault if they have a disease? 

So then, What is a Survivor?

  One who survives the death of a loved one: Such as remaining alive after the death of someone.  This person is generally spoken of as:  "He is survived by his wife.  To continue to exist or live after (survived the earthquake);  To continue to function or prosper despite (numerous challenges).   Or to withstand.  (Such as being described as: "they survived many hardships”) (Source).

Now, Think for a minute: 

  Think about or describe a time in your life when you have been a Victim? 

  Think about or describe a time in your life when you have been a Survivor?

  How are these two conditions different?  

  How are these two conditions similar? (Keep reading).

The Problem of Feeling Like a Victim: 

   An Important Note: Sometimes when we feel like victims, we tend to excuse what we do to others, as though is it our Right to show them how we are hurting, by trying to make them feel the pain and fear that we feel as victims.  Nonetheless, taking one’s own experiences as a Victim and trying to make other people relive them is just plain wrong WRONG.  Right??? 

   Why is this so -- that we should not put our pain onto someone else?   How is it wrong to make someone else experience the pain that I am experiencing?  For one, we have no right to do that.

  Consider this:  Could it be Legally Right or even Morally Right to have someone else experience the fear, the pain, or the anguish and the residual effects of my victimhood?

  Probably NOT.

  NO.So then, if I have all this pain from my past, what can I do with it?

  One Possibility is that I could probably try to live with it and overcome it.  In the meantime, why not try to become (in my Heart and Mind) an Accountable Survivor Instead of a Victim?  Is that Possible for you?  Can you do this?  Probably.  You can definitely try, right?

  (Please Note: The idea here is to be able to notice that a person coming from the emotional position of a Survivor is going to be coming out of a different place, a different set of thoughts and a different set of feelings than a person coming from the Victim position.)

Perhaps these first three rules of becoming a Survivor could help:

 

1. I don't want to go any further down if I can help it.

   (Whereas a Victim might instead be spending time demonstrating just how low down they can go); and 

2. I no longer have any need or a desire to pull anyone else down with me... If I do go down;

3. I would NEVER wish my pain or my anguish or my fear onto another living soul.  And that's how bad I have felt at times when I was a victim.

  What if it turns out that letting go of that need or desire for revenge is a giant step toward becoming a survivor?

  But sometimes, we are angry or hurt about what happened to us.  But we don't necessarily know what we should be doing right now, do we?  

  Hence, at first, this project of becoming accountable and becoming a Survivor might include some effort that feels kind of like basically faking it until we make it. 

  Even if I feel like a victim, I can try to start thinking like a Survivor instead.  And that might include the following such as: Gratitude for having survived, Wanting to do better next time, Letting go of the resentment...etc..., and Looking for some reasonable solutions, and developing the will to make some positive CHANGE.

  Remember: EVEN if one feels WRONGED by how one's DV Offense unfolded; One is NOT technically "The Victim" in that Offense.  This is important to always remember.

  So here is ONE LAST QUESTION Before you do the Worksheet:

  Would you rather be a DV Victim? 

   Or, Would you rather be a DV Offender who feels like a Victim?

   Or, Would you rather be a DV Offender who feels like an Accountable Survivor?

 Think about it.

*** Please CLICK HERE to complete your Offender/Victim To Survivor Worksheet ***

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER TO ALSO COMPLETE A SESSION FEEDBACK FORM FOR EVERY SESSION THAT YOU ATTEND.  Look for the link beside the AMERICAN FLAG.

+++ CLICK HERE to Complete Your SESSION FEEDBACK FORM!!! +++

"FROM VICTIM TO SUVIVOR"

Please see Additional Readings Below: 

Enough said.  Lets move on:

Check out The following essay on Survivors Vs. Victims of Disasters, written by J. Faletto.

"About Survivors Vs. Victims of Disasters: (Faletto, J. 2017)

“Surviving a disaster doesn't just come down to fight or flight. Circumventing danger is more complicated than that. However, there may be one way to gauge if you have what it takes to make it out alive, thanks to a 2015 study. Do you possess the eight shared traits of survivors?  (Related Video: The Woman Who Survived a 10,000 Foot Fall)

“I'm a Survivor, I'm Not Gon' Give Up” They say you won't know how you'll respond to a catastrophe until you're faced with one. A study published in PLOS One in July 2015 set out to clear up that mystery. What does it take to survive? The researchers interviewed and surveyed survivors of the 2011 Japan earthquake and tsunami disaster to get closer to what fuels the power to live in these scenarios. More than 1,400 survivors received the questionnaire, which included 40 items, each pertaining to one of three classes of characteristics: personal traits, attitudes, and habits. Drumroll please ... here is the list of Eight Traits that were shared among the Survivors of that disaster:” 

(Characteristics of Survivors):

1.     “Leadership: This represents the attitude or habit of gathering and organizing people. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements (taken from the questionnaire):  “I take initiative in talking to other people.  Sophisticated words that move other people come out of my mouth.”

2.     Problem-solving:  This represents the attitude or habit of strategically tackling problems. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements: “The more agitated the people around me become, the calmer I somehow become.  When I am fretting about what I should do, I compare several alternative actions.”

3.     Altruism: This represents the personality trait that causes people to care about and help others. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements: “I like it when other people rely on me and are grateful to me.  When someone asks me to do something for them, I cannot refuse.”

4.   Stubbornness: This represents the personality trait, attitude, or habit of sticking to one's desires or beliefs. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements:  “I say whatever it is I want to say without hesitation.  I hate losing.”

5.   Etiquette: This represents the attitude or habit of conforming to social norms in daily behavior. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements:  “In everyday life, I take care of myself as much as possible.  When someone has helped me or been kind to me, I clearly convey my feelings of gratitude.”

6. Emotional regulation: This represents the attitude or habit of endeavoring to stay calm in difficult or strained circumstances. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements:  “When something happens, I try to stay calm and not panic.  During difficult times, I endeavor not to brood.”

7. Self-transcendence: This represents awareness of the meaning of one's life from a spiritual perspective. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements: “I am aware of the path and teachings I should follow as a person.  I am aware of the role I should play in society.”

8. Active well-being: This refers to the daily practice of maintaining or improving one's physical, mental, and intellectual status. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements: “In everyday life, I endeavor to find opportunities to acquire new knowledge, skills, and attitudes.  In everyday life, I have habitual practices that are essential for relieving stress or giving me a change of pace.””   (Faletto, J. 2017)  Retrieved 7/8/2019). 

   Think about the above Personality Traits or Characteristics of these people who Survived a tremendous disaster.  These people chose -- even at the time of the disaster -- the be survivors instead of Victims.  Then they made it happen

  Believe it or not, one can then evolve out of the Victim Position, to the Survivor Position, and then eventually move on to become a Thriver!  

From Victim to Survivor to Thriver  Dillmann, PsyD (2011), Retrieved 7/8/2019 from: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/victim-survivor-thriver-trauma-stages/

  “A woman raises her arms in victory as she stands outside facing the sun. One way to understand the healing journey is to think of growing from a place of victimization to survival, and ultimately, to thriving. While a person has had no choice about being victimized, he or she does have a choice about growing through these stages."

(Dr. B. Says: Sometimes we do have a choice about potentially being victimized by leaving ourselves open, or making unwise choices -- like drinking when we know we shouldn't.  Still in all, we can make a choice RIGHT NOW to start to grow in a positive direction.  Even in the middle of a crisis, we can be resolved to become a Survivor.  And with a little luck, it could come true.  But if we just give in, we might end up just being victims instead.  Which do you choose?)

  "Regardless of what the traumatic event was, where or when it occurred, there was a period of time when victimization occurred. This victimization is not something one should feel guilt or shame about, rather it is a factual reality to understand, accept, and grow through. When an individual cannot or does not grow through the period of victimization, one can think of this person as being stuck within the victim stage.

  An individual in the victim stage feels as though he or she is still in the trauma—no matter how long ago the actual traumatic incident(s) occurred. The sense of being in that moment of time permeates the person’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviors and even his or her sense of self. It is common for an individual in this stage to avoid many emotions while experiencing in abundance feelings of helplessness, vulnerability, fragility, self-pity, numbness, defeat, shame, self-hatred, and discouragement. The person might feel out of control or angry, want to hide and hope to be rescued. The individual often believes he or she lacks choices and has few possibilities and a shortened future. This combination of thoughts leads to little planning for the future and a preoccupation with the past.

  In addition, the individual may feel plagued by memories of the event, particularly if he or she is struggling with flashbacks. Common behaviors that arise out of these thoughts and feelings are self-destructive ones such as addictions or a pervasive passivity. While most individuals, even those who have been stuck within this stage for quite some time, do not desire to be within the victimization stage, some individuals do experience secondary gains (such as love, support, attention, assistance) from being within this victim stage.

  These benefits can also become intertwined with the individual’s way of life and identity, making it all the more difficult to grow through this phase. Just as some individuals struggle with leaving this stage, some individuals struggle with being in this stage and try to avoid acknowledging the truth of the victimization.  Neither approach is healthy, because true recovery can only occur when one has dwelt within and then healed out of this stage.

(In some ways, the big difference between the Victim Stage and the Survivor  stage and the Thriver stage may be the degree of Reality that one is willing to accept about their Victimization -- including the idea about the choices they made that might have contributed to them becoming victims or Survivors.  And this is followed by the degree of HOPE a person has as well.  And people tend to need hope in order to have better outcomes and even improved mental health.)

  Once a person has grown through the victim stage, he or she enters into the survivor stage, which is the time when one begins to feel strong and confident and to truly believe that there are resources and choices. A key realization of this stage is that an individual has gotten through the trauma intact, or mostly intact, and is indeed outside of it. This understanding allows the person to begin integrating the trauma into his or her life story, to take control of life, and to recognize potential for change and growth.

  For many, a sense of satisfaction accompanies this realization as does a shift into an emotional state that has less suffering, less pain, less guilt, and definitely less depression. Many of the difficult emotions decrease, and though this is not necessarily a happy phase of life, moments of happiness will start to occur more often. As one progresses through this stage, living one day at a time increasingly becomes a primary focus. Coping from day to day and acting upon a commitment to healing, trusting, and restoring relationships becomes the essence of healing.

  The thriver stage crystallizes the growth of the survivor stage and takes one’s healing to the point where he or she has general satisfaction with life as well as a sense that ordinary life is both interesting and enjoyable. Commitment to moving forward, to taking care of one’s physical health, to investing in one’s career, relationships, and love and life allow these gains to occur. On an emotional level, feelings of strength, empowerment, compassion, resilience, and self-determination eclipse the emotions experienced within the victim stage. In addition a renewed sense of joy, peace, and happiness arises because one has grown, despite the traumatic experience, and is living well.

  It is within this thriver stage that a person’s thinking becomes less pessimistic; he or she begins to think and believe that that there are long-term options, that there is a point to planning for the future, and he or she begins to recognize and embrace new possibilities. This living well is also exemplified in an ability to connect with others who are suffering, to accept imperfections in loved ones, and to reach out to others. Life is once again rich in meaningful relationships which help the person find a sense of meaning and purpose. If any symptoms of posttraumatic stress or other issues remain, the individual has learned how to effectively cope with these symptoms. Ultimately, he or she perceives him- or herself as more than a victim. One recognizes him- or herself as a valuable individual who, though tempered by tragedy, has risen and moved beyond the trauma” (Source).

(Dr. B says: A large part of the journey toward Survival and Thriving is about doing the Right Thing -- what ever that is...  Even if we don't know all the answers, we can try our best.  And we just might find them.   We can almost always ask someone for help.  We now have that positive energy that can fuel such a journey.  And as you go along, be sure to accept the fact that this includes building a positive Support System that you can lean on if you need to.)

Music about Hitting Bottom and Survival:

Whenever God Shines His Light On Me: Gets Your Feet Back on Higher Group

We Can Be Heroes (David Bowie)

The Water is Wide (Karla Bonoff)

Sweet Melissa (Allman Brothers)

Reflections of My Life (Marmalaide)

It Takes Every Kind of People (Robert Palmer)

What's Going On (Marvin Gaye)

The Water is Wide (James Taylor)

(Originally Posted 1/11/2021)

Sources:

• https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/accountability
• https://sk.sagepub.com/books/key-concepts-in-social-work-practice/n1.xml#:~:text=Accountability%20means%20being%20obliged%20and,them%20with%20a%20protected%20title.
• http://psychology.iresearchnet.com/social-psychology/social-cognition/accountability/#:~:text=Accountability%20is%20the%20condition%20of,if%20your%20actions%20are%20justified.
• © Copyright 2011 by Susanne M. Dillmann, PsyD, therapist in Escondido, California. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.
•  (Faletto, J. 2017)  Retrieved 7/8/2019: https://curiosity.com/topics/these-are-the-8-characteristics-shared-by-people-who-have-survived-disasters-curiosity/)

 

Footnote:

“Effects of domestic violence on children  

"Many children exposed to violence in the home are also victims of physical abuse.1 Children who witness domestic violence or are victims of abuse themselves are at serious risk for long-term physical and mental health problems.2 Children who witness violence between parents may also be at greater risk of being violent in their future relationships. If you are a parent who is experiencing abuse, it can be difficult to know how to protect your child” (Source).

 (c. 2021, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Effects of Domestic Violence On Children: A Reminder

Sometimes they Say: "The One's We Love the Most get hurt the Worst when we mess up."

PART 1:

  “Domestic violence affects every member of the family, including the children. Family violence creates a home environment where children live in constant fear.  Children who witness family violence are affected in ways similar to children who are physically abused.  They are often unable to establish nurturing bonds with either parent.  Children are at greater risk for abuse and neglect if they live in a violent home.  Statistics show that over 3 million children witness violence in their home each year. Those who see and hear violence in the home suffer physically and emotionally.

  Whoa!!!  Let's back up just a minute!  Just exactly how are we defining Domestic Violence Here?  Well, in 1994, the Violence Against Women Act was Passed and Signed by President Clinton.  

  In this Act, DV was Defined in the following way:

"Domestic Violence: The Violence Against Women Act defines domestic violence as felony or misdemeanor crimes of violence (including threats or attempts) committed by a current or former spouse of the victim, by a person with whom the victim shares a child in common, by a person who is cohabitating with or has cohabitated with the victim as a spouse, by a person similarly situated to a spouse of the victim under the domestic or family violence laws of the jurisdiction receiving grant monies, or by any other person against an adult or youth victim/survivor who is protected from that person’s acts under the domestic or family violence laws of the jurisdiction receiving grant monies.  It should be understood that domestic violence/dating violence applies to any pattern of coercive behavior that is used by one person to gain power and control over a current or former intimate partner or dating partner.  This pattern of behavior may include physical or sexual violence, emotional and psychological intimidation, threats, verbal abuse, stalking, isolation, and economic control.  In compiling domestic violence figures, grantees should include grant funds directed at dating violence” (Source).

  "Families under stress produce children under stress. If a spouse is being abused and there are children in the home, the children are affected by the abuse." (Ackerman and Pickering, 1989) cited in (ACADV, 2012).  The bottom line is that if there is abuse in the home, it truly cannot be completely hidden from the children.  They are going to figure it out one way or the other.

Let's Look at some Numbers About This: 

“• Children in homes where domestic violence occurs are abused at a rate of 6 – 15 times higher than the national average in the general population.

• More than half of the children whose mothers are battered are likely to also be physically abused themselves.

• Whether or not the children are physically abused, they often suffer emotional and psychological trauma from living in homes where their fathers abuse their mothers.

• Children in homes where domestic violence occurs might indirectly receive injuries. Infants and children are often harmed when being held or shielded by mothers who are being beaten.

• Older children might be hurt while trying to protect their mothers.

• Children from violent homes have higher risks of alcohol and drug abuse and juvenile delinquency.

• Approximately 90% of children are aware of the violence directed at their mother.

• Children from violent homes have a higher risk of suicide than those from homes without violence.

• Approximately two-thirds of the young men between the ages of 11 and 20 who are imprisoned for homicide have killed their mother’s batterer” (ACADV, 2012).

“Top 10 Alarming Facts About How Domestic Violence Impacts Kids

1. 63% of all boys, age 11-20, who commit murder kill the man who was abusing their mother
2. 75% of boys who are present when their mothers are beaten were later identified as having demonstrable behavior problems
3. Children from homes characterized by domestic violence are five to seven times more likely to experience significant psychological problems relative to children in the general population.
4. Domestic violence exposed children are four times more likely to visit the school nurse.
5. More than half of school age children in domestic violence shelters show clinical levels of anxiety or post-traumatic stress disorder.
6. Researchers have linked exposure to chronic abuse and violence with lower IQ scores, poorer language skills, decrements in visual-motor integration skills and problems with attention and  memory.
7. Cognitive problems associated with exposure to violence and abuse comprises one of the most direct threats to the developmental task of school adaptation and academic achievement.
8. Witnessing violence as a child is associated with adult reports of depression, trauma-related symptoms and low self-esteem among women and trauma-related symptoms among men
9. Children in homes where domestic violence occurs are physically abused or seriously neglected at a rate 1500% higher than the national average in the general population.
10. 3.3 million children witness domestic violence each year in the US” 

• (SOURCE. (Blog, 2011)).

  “Children react to their environment in different ways, and reactions can vary depending on the child's gender and age.  Children exposed to family violence are more likely to develop social, emotional, psychological and or behavioral problems than those who are not.  Recent research indicates that children who witness domestic violence show more anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, anger and temperament problems than children who do not witness violence in the home.  The trauma they experience can show up in emotional, behavioral, social and physical disturbances that effect their development and can continue into adulthood” (ACADV, 2012).

“Emotional effects of domestic violence on children

• Children take responsibility for the abuse: Like their mothers, children of battered women feel that if they could be ‘better,’ the abuse would stop.
• Constant anxiety: Children of battered women live in fear of the next abusive incident.
• Guilt: Children of battered women feel guilty for not being able to stop the abuse and for loving their abusive father.
• Fear of abandonment: Children of battered women worry that their mother will be killed. Many batterers constantly threaten to leave or tell their partner to leave. This makes the children feel vulnerable to being left without either parent.
• Stress-related illnesses: Children of battered women frequently have stress-related physical ailments, such as ulcers, rashes, sleep disturbances, headaches, or stomachaches.
• Disruption of eating and sleeping patterns: Children of battered women can suffer from inadequate rest and nutrition.
• Behavioral impact: Children of battered women may become aggressive, angry, and difficult to control. Or, they might be unusually passive, fearful, and withdrawn” (RACSJC, retrieved April 2013).

“Long-term effects of domestic violence on children:

  The inter-generational pattern of domestic violence is very clear in males. And there is new research that suggests that adult women who witnessed domestic violence as children might be at a higher risk for finding themselves in an abusive relationship. However, the most common characteristic among battered women is the fact that they are female.

  The entire community feels the negative effects of domestic violence on children. Domestic violence is a major factor contributing to the problem of teenage runaways and homeless street youth. Abusers sometimes kidnap their children to punish their partners for leaving them or to get them to come back.

  Today’s child growing up in a violent home may be tomorrow’s inmate. A recent study found that 93% of incarcerated males witnessed or were themselves abused as children” (RACSJC, retrieved April 2013).

  Other long-term effects might include: Social Isolation (from mental illness, shame and/or embarrassment), leading to chronic social/vocational problems and underachievement (poverty), possible years of psychotherapy, and family alienation as those in the family who are numb to the abuse or have violently chosen sides ostracize those in the family who are most negatively impacted by it (Beverly, 2013).

PART 2:

Question: Did You Ever Wonder if Little Itty-Bitty Babies Understand Domestic Violence?

“Impact of Domestic Violence on Child Development

  Domestic violence has a demonstrable, long-term impact on adult victims as well as children who witness violence. Children and youth who are exposed to domestic violence experience emotional, mental, and social damage that can affect their developmental growth. It also has adverse effects on the community at large.” (Source).

  “Compared with other kids, those who have witnessed DV experience far greater incidence of insomnia, bed wetting, verbal, motor, and cognitive issues, learning difficulties, self-harm, aggressive and antisocial behaviors, depression and anxiety, as well as, most troubling, adult domestic violence, with boys often becoming offenders, victims, or both, and girls more likely to become victims (Brown and Bzostek, 2003).

  A growing body of literature has revealed that children who have been exposed to DV are more likely than their peers to experience a wide range of difficulties, from anger and oppositional behavior, to fear, low self-worth and withdrawal, to poor sibling, peer, and social relationships. Studies have found evidence of much higher rates of pro-violence attitudes, rigid stereotypical gender beliefs involving male privilege, animal abuse, bullying, assault, property destruction, and substance abuse.

  A study by Kilpatrick, Litt, and Williams (1997) concluded that witnessing DV is an experience in and of itself sufficiently intense to precipitate posttraumatic stress in children. The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study led by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has classified exposure to DV as one of several adverse childhood experiences contributing to poor quality of life, premature death, and risk factors for many of the most common causes of death in the United States.

  In addition to the exposure itself, other factors influence impact, including the nature of the violence, age of the child, elapsed time since exposure, the child’s gender, and presence of physical or sexual abuse.

  Children who witness fewer incidents of violence and experience positive interactions between caregivers may be, for instance, less detrimentally impacted than those exposed to frequent and extreme aggression. Younger children exhibit more concerning levels of psychological distress than older, more developmentally mature children. Children are highly anxious and fearful immediately after witnessing an incident of DV and less observably so as time passes, but this should not be assumed to indicate an absence of anxiety or fear. Boys tend to exhibit more externalizing behavior problems such as aggression and acting out, while girls tend to exhibit more internalizing behavior problems such as social withdrawal and depression.

  It nearly goes without saying that children who are exposed to DV and are also physically or sexually abused are at a higher risk for emotional and psychological problems than those who witness such violence and are not physically or sexually abused.

  In so many cases, it is difficult for those outside of these family systems to know with sufficient clarity what is going on, and it is often difficult to know how best to intervene. And unfortunately, the reality is that in many cases, meaningful intervention occurs only after a child has endured direct and continued exposure to DV.”  (SOURCE.) 

“Domestic Violence – Toxic Stress in Behavioral Health, Medical

Domestic Violence is more common than we may think and negatively impacts a child’s long term mental and physical health. In the United States it is estimated that up to 30% of children, 15.5 million, live in a household where domestic violence is present. Exposure to abuse and neglect can lead to what is called Toxic Stress that causes the body to produce stress hormones over long periods of time, including Cortisol, that can be quite harmful to the developing brain and body of a child. Studies have shown that the negative effects of being exposed to domestic violence can start as early as during pregnancy and in the early newborn period. Infants and children are the most vulnerable and it is important to be able to recognize those at risk to help prevent long term consequences.

The relationship between a child and his/her parent are what shape a child’s view of the world. The interaction between parent and child teach a child how others should treat them and how they should treat others. A healthy parent-child relationship is crucial for normal development and for a child to thrive. Infants and children view their parents as almighty and powerful as they depend on these adults to care for them. If there is a rupture in this relationship due to the parent’s absence or mental health concerns they learn to not trust adults. Because the parent is inaccessible to them when they need help with their strong emotions, they do not learn how to regulate them which can hinder their ability to form relationships with others. Victims can develop an exaggerated need to control their environment and appear “bossy or rigid.” There can be an unusually strong reaction to changes in routine.

Research has shown that being a victim of domestic violence can have serious negative effects on a child’s physical health as well.

Negative effects include:

Infants and toddlers can suffer feeding difficulties that can lead to poor weight gain. In addition, they can experience difficulties with sleep and excessive fussiness and crying. They may not meet their developmental milestones and become delayed.

Preschoolers can start to exhibit regression with bedwetting, daytime accidents, and thumb sucking. They may have sleeping difficulties which include nightmares. Behavior changes may include exaggerated separation anxiety becoming very whiny and clingy. In addition, they can have feeding difficulties and constipation.

School-age children can start to have problems with recurrent headaches, abdominal pain, and constipation. They may start to have problems focusing and concentrating which can lead to poor school performance. Behavior changes may include mood changes and bullying or aggression.

Adolescents can present with risky behaviors including drug use and sexual promiscuity which can lead to sexually transmitted disease. They also have difficulty with mood disorders including depression and increase suicide risk. In addition, they struggle academically and lack goal setting.

Ways to help a child or teen who is experiencing domestic violence:

• Allow a child or teen to talk about their experiences and without judging them or their family. Please remember that children in this situation still love their parents.

• It is suggested that children and teens become involved in outside activities. Social and recreational experiences allow children to focus on fun and developing new skills. A parent or another adult can let the child or teen know that they are taking steps to keep them safe.

• Safety plans are recommended so they are aware of how to keep themselves safe, when to leave the home and when to call 911. Developing a list of friends and relatives whom they call when they feel worried about their parent or themselves is essential. Their treating pediatrician can also be utilized as a resource.” (SOURCE.) 

 

  “Exposure to intimate partner violence (IPV) can have long-lasting effects on a child’s socio-emotional and neurological development. Research has focused on the effects of IPV on women or older children, while the developmental consequences of exposure to domestic violence during early childhood are less well documented. However, one would expect significant developmental effects since the infant’s brain and stress-related systems are especially susceptible to environmental stimuli.   The goal of this mini-review is to examine how findings on infant exposure to IPV can be related to risk and resilience of development in infancy. We describe the known effects of witnessing violence during the perinatal period on socio-emotional development and the possible pathways by which IPV affects brain and stress-regulating systems. Exposure to IPV during infancy disrupts the infant’s emotional and cognitive development, the development of the Hypothalamus-Pituitary-Adrenal (HPA) axis and brain structures related to witnessing itself (auditory and visual cortex). The findings are embedded in the context of the resource depletion hypothesis. A central problem is the dearth of research on exposure to IPV during infancy, its effect on caregiving, and infant development. Nonetheless, the available evidence makes it clear that policies for prevention of IPV are critically needed.

Summary and Future Directions

  The goal of this mini-review was to examine the evidence of the impact of exposure to IPV during the perinatal phase through early childhood. The definition of IPV is adult focused and is subsumed by other (poorly defined) terms (e.g., neglect, maltreatment). In contrast to neglect, witnessing IPV occurs when a caregiver is present and is distinct from violent maltreatment, as when a child is exposed to IPV the witnessed violence is not directed against the child. These kinds of maltreatment are likely to affect the child differently in physical terms and psychological terms. For example, how the child cognitively processes each of those experiences may radically differ. Moreover, IPV and other forms of mistreatment almost always co-occur, making it problematic to identify singular effects specific to IPV. These problems make it difficult to evaluate many of the studies for the effects of IPV separate from other forms of mistreatment. Of course, in the real world, exposure to IPV is in actuality an assemblage of developmentally disruptive actions which will most often have multiple physical and psychological effects on the child.

  One hypothesis on how IPV affects development can be derived from a developmental framework: witnessing IPV depletes resources that normally would be—should be—utilized for growth and development (Hobfoll, 1989; Tronick, 2017). It is well established that secure and sensitive caregiving is fundamental for the favorable development of brain structures associated with regulatory capacities. Such caretaking is, essential for the child to develop behavioral self-regulation. The occurrence of IPV disrupts this favorable caregiver-child interaction while it is happening, but critically not only while it is occurring. Moreover, adults on both sides who are involved in IPV likely have much more pervasive problems, perhaps due to their own exposure to IPV. Critically for the child, their experience of IPV affects their everyday caretaking (Letourneau et al., 2011; Pels et al., 2015). The effect of the caretaker’s state after IPV means the child has not only witnessed IPV but that the caretakers likely lack the resources for sensitive and consistent caregiving. Thus, they may be unable to help the child regulate or provide a sense of safety when the child needs it most, during or after witnessing an episode of violence.

  Disruption in caregiving is prevalent, and families dealing with IPV most likely are affected by co-occurring conditions such as parental mental health problems associated with the abuse, such as depression and anxiety or inconsistency in caregiving due to IPV related circumstances. More research and a more thorough distinction between different forms of adversity are needed to understand how exposure to IPV distorts the functioning and development of regulation-associated brain systems. DeJonghe et al. (2005) make an essential step towards a more profound understanding how sensitivity to stress as a result of IPV develops in the first year of life as theirs is the only experimental study in humans looking at behavioral effects of acute exposure to violence in infants that either have or have not been exposed to IPV. An extension of experimental research could assist in gaining a deeper understanding of how IPV disrupts caregiving, successful co-regulation with the caregiver to cope with an acute or chronic stressor, and the development of self-regulation in infancy. Examining the effects of IPV on physiological and endocrine markers of stress, as well as imaging methods documenting the effects of exposure to violence on infants in experimental as well as descriptive studies will help to separate primary and collateral causes that disrupt the child’s functioning and healthy development. And while much needs to be learned about IPV, the available evidence makes it clear that policies for prevention of witnessing IPV and experiencing other forms of maltreatment are critically needed for the insuring well-being of our infants and young children.” (Source).

 

“Effects of Domestic Violence During Pregnancy (An example of literature targeting the effects of DV and PTSD on Native American Children.”

In 2014, Michigan State University (1) professors studied and linked the abuse of pregnant women to symptoms of trauma in their children. Professors concluded that stress hormones released during pregnancy also increase stress hormones within the fetus. Some of the symptoms exhibited by the newborn baby included nightmares, startling easily and sensitivity to loud noises/bright lights.

The Impact of Domestic Violence on Children

Children and adolescents(2) exposure to domestic violence or even the threat of violence/abuse has been linked to an increased risk of psychological, social, emotional and behavioral problems. Violence includes physical aggression or assault as well as emotional abuse such as humiliation, intimidation, controlling actions and isolation from family and friends. Exposure does not require directly witnessing violence, because children often experience the harms associated with an awareness of violence.

 From Promising Futures(3), effects of exposure to domestic violence on children can include:

Believing the abuse is their fault

Turning against mother or father or having ambivalent feelings about both parents

Feeling that they are alone, that there is no one who understands them

Being afraid to talk about the abuse or express their feelings

Developing negative core beliefs about themselves and others

Developing unhealthy coping and survival reactions, such as mental health or behavior problems

Believing that the world is a dangerous and unpredictable place

Being isolated from people who might find out about the abuse or offer help

  In a case study of children exposed to violence(2), nearly half (46 percent) involved a parent/caregiver that was a victim of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV). These caregivers/parents had few social supports (39 percent); had mental health issues (27 percent); alcohol (21 percent) and drug abuse (17 percent); a perpetrator of IPV (13 percent); had physical health issues (10 percent); a history of foster care/group home (8 percent) and cognitive impairment (6 percent).

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Historical PTSD

“Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.”(5) Children six years old and younger, may re-enact the traumatic event through play and/or experience frightening dreams.

  Sadly, Native American juveniles experience posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) at a rate of 22 percent - the same rate as combat veterans and triple the rate of the general population. This is due to Native children being “polyvictimized” experiencing several forms of violence including sexual abuse, physical abuse, domestic violence, child maltreatment, and community violence. The risk of posttraumatic injuries, medical and behavioral disorders are increased by up to tenfold and their ability to thrive is severely compromised.(4)

  Four types of symptoms include: intrusive memories, avoidance, negative changes in mood and thinking, and changes in physical and/or emotional reactions. Native American children may experience:

negative thoughts about oneself and others

viewing the world as dangerous

hopelessness about the future

difficulty maintaining relationships

difficulty experiencing positive emotion

overwhelming feelings of guilt or shame.

self-destructive behavior

irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior

  If you or the children in your life have disturbing thoughts and feelings about a traumatic event, or if you feel you're having trouble getting your life back under control, a medical or behavioral health care provider can help. Getting treatment as soon as possible can help prevent PTSD symptoms from getting worse. Children may also benefit from counseling or other types of mental health therapy.” (https://strongheartshelpline.org/abuse/ptsd-effects-on-children).

From the Child’s Point of View:

“Through the Eyes of a Child

Did I do something wrong to make you lose control?

Anger so strong or do you even know?

That when you come home I want to run and hide

The pain is so deep that I keep it inside

I'm not the same because of you

Always afraid of what you'll do

If only you could see yourself through my eyes

You'd know why (I’m dying inside)

Sometimes I need a firm, but gentle hand

Someone who cares and understands that I am still learning

But I just can't take this abuse, from you

There is no excuse I'm not the same because of you

Always afraid of what you'll do

If only you could see yourself through my eyes

You'd know why (I'm dying inside)

This is no way to live If you try to change I'll try to forgive.”

So...... When will we make this stop?

• (From CHANCE Changing How Adults Nurture Children's Egos) cited in (ACADV, 2012).

***Please Click Here To Complete Your Effects of DV on Children Worksheet***

and

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----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

(Originally Posted 8/3/2020)

Sources: Jefferson City, MO Rape and Abuse Crisis Services: http://www.racsjc.org/forms/abuse/Children_and_Domestic_Violence.pdf

http://www.acadv.org/children.html   http://blog.makersofmemories.org/2011/06/ten-alarming-domestic-violence-statistics/

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).