A Collection of Quotations About Forgiveness

“30 Quotes on Forgiveness: Ponder these words of wisdom" (2/1/2011).

 "THE BASICS: The Importance of Forgiveness (From Psychology Today):

 Remember, you don't forgive someone for his or her sake—you forgive them for your sake. (On a side note, I just read that as "sake," the drink. I think that means it's time for me to get some sushi.)

 Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, nor does it mean that you've given the message that what someone did was OK. It just means that you've let go of the anger or guilt towards someone, or towards yourself. But that can be easier said than done. If forgiveness was easy, everyone would be doing it.

 "When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free." –Katherine Ponder

"There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love." –Bryant H. McGill

"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." –Robert Quillen

"Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me." –Anonymous

"Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time-just like it does for you and me." –Sara Paddison

"Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast." –Marlene Dietrich

"Forgiveness is the giving, and so the receiving, of life." –George MacDonald

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - –Louis B. Smedes

"We are all on a life long journey and the core of its meaning, the terrible demand of its centrality is forgiving and being forgiven." –Martha Kilpatrick

"To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness." –Robert Muller

"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." –Mark Twain

"Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much." –Oscar Wilde

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." –Mahatma Gandhi

"Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting." –William Arthur Ward

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future." –Paul Boese

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." –William Blake

"If you can't forgive and forget, pick one." –Robert Brault

"He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass." –George Herbert

"Without forgiveness life is governed by... an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation." –Roberto Assagioli

"Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself." –Harriet Nelson

"Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge." –Isaac Friedmann

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." –Louis B. Smedes

"Life is an adventure in forgiveness." –Norman Cousins

"Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom." –Hannah Arendt

"Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave." –Indira Gandhi

"Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on." –Alice Duer Miller

"As long as you don't forgive, who and whatever it is will occupy a rent-free space in your mind." –Isabelle Holland

"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were." –Cherie Carter-Scott

"Forgiveness is like faith. You have to keep reviving it." –Mason Cooley

"Only the brave know how to forgive. ... A coward never forgave; it is not in his nature." –Laurence Sterne”

Sources:

• "30 Quotes on Forgiveness" (Source).

The Holidays can be a Great Time to Move Forward: Planning for a Nourishing and SAFE Holiday

  This is a time of year when many Americans and others celebrate Winter Solstice, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Boxing Day.  And others who celebrate Christmas might say "Merry Christmas" in different ways, such as the Navajo saying: “Yá'át'ééh Késhmish” Merry Christmas in the Navajo Language."  Or others say, "Nittak Hullo Chito Na Yukpa (Merry Christmas) from. Chief Batton and the Choctaw Nation!"  And Latinos say, "Feliz Navidad!"

  Personally, I focus mainly on Christmas because this is a tradition that I understand more than I do others. 

  I know from my personal experience that along with Giving, Sharing, Blessing, Gratefulness, and the Joy and Celebration of Christmas, Forgiveness can also be a true Blessing of Christmas.  The Holidays can also be a time of huge Stress, Unpleasant Surprises and Disappointment.  All of these (the good and the bad) can cause STRESS.  And STRESS often leaves us open to negative thinking and problematic behaviors.

  On the other hand: for many, the Holidays bring mixed emotions.  With Holidays often comes feelings like Joy, happiness... and yes.. homecomings and forgiveness.

  ""We know based on research that violence and abuse rates go up in times of tension and stress and holidays happen to be a lot of financial stress," said Lizzy Kennedy, Communication Outreach Coordinator at Shelterhouse in Midland."

  "Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. ... Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses" (Source).

  I would guess that most of us have something or someone to forgive.  Likewise, we each have probably also been wronged in one way or another at some point(s) in our lives.  Furthermore, we each have probably also done someone else wrong in our lives.  It is sad to think of all the energy that gets tied up in resentment for the wrongs that have been done to people over the ages.  

  It's like, if we could all just take a break from the anger and the resentment for a while; perhaps some of the violence would also cease.

  Unfortunately Domestic Violence does not take a Holiday.  And some even say that it gets worse during the Holidays.  

  For example: One person recently posted on the Internet in an article titled, "Domestic Violence and the Holidays: What You Should Know":

  "On the night before Thanksgiving 2020, 9-1-1 dispatchers in Albuquerque got a call regarding an unresponsive woman. When the ambulance arrived, Nicole was pronounced dead at the scene, with suspicious marks on her neck and face that denoted beating and strangulation. Her boyfriend, Francisco, who had made the call to 9-1-1, was arrested for murder and tampering with evidence.

  Unfortunately, this true story is all too common, especially in Albuquerque. Women often experience domestic abuse or violence on or around major holidays, including Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, and even Super Bowl Sunday. Many victims are unable to escape, in spite of the holidays being a time of family reunions, warm conversations, and generosity.

  According to statistics, domestic abuse increases over the holidays, for a number of possible reasons:

•   Stress from holiday shopping, finances, and planning can aggravate volatile personalities.
•   Abusers are more likely to partake of alcohol or drugs when they don’t have to work.  And when people drink too much alcohol this can often lead to violence.
•   Simple opportunity: Abusers are more likely to be home alone with their victims than at other times of the year" (Source).

  Hence it almost goes without saying that people should be extra careful during the Holidays to have a Happy and Safe Holiday -- and that goes for potential abusers and potential victims of Domestic Violence as well.  

So What About The Holidays and Forgiveness: A Potentially Overlooked Blessing of Christmas?

  Forgiveness is a Virtue that is frequently offered and given in Christianity. 

  And also, the Eighth Night of Hanukkah is about Forgiveness for some people.  “Forgiveness is important in Judaism and is a duty, or a mitzvah that Jews should try their best to obey. Teachings on forgiveness can (also) be found in the Torah” (Source).

  Additionally, as a Christian, Dr. Martin Luther King expressed how he believed in Forgiveness.  

– “Despite Doctor King’s several arrests and detention, he drew strength from the power of love, forgiveness and non-violence.  He said: “Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act.”  It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship.  He further said that forgiveness is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning, and we are free from the mental block that impedes new relationships.  Forgiveness means reconciliation, a coming together again. Without this, no man (or woman) can love his (or her) enemies.  The degree to which we are able to forgive determines the degree to which we are able to love our enemies."

"These prophetic expressions of Doctor King's still reverberate as inspiration to oppressed people all over the world” (Source).

  Also, in a post on "Practicing Forgiveness", another author shared that this time of year provides an excellent opportunity for Forgiveness.  They write: “Forgive them – not for them, but for you” (Source).  In other words, give yourself the gift of Forgiveness, by forgiving either your self or someone else this Holiday Season.

  This idea seems also to fit with the notions about forgiveness that Dr. King shared, because it is believed by Christians that Jesus taught about how loving your enemies can be good for you.  And how Forgiveness can help bring about a Renewal of sorts.  

  Christmas and these other holidays can be about renewal as well.  However, many people in other traditions also believe that "renewal" requires a letting go of the past -- just for a little while, if not forever.  

  These Holidays (and others) can be about letting go of the pain from the past.  It's about recognizing the need to move on.  It's also about realizing that you have the power to choose to move beyond the negative, and possibly into the positive.  It's about not letting the ugliness of things that happened before to color your day today.  It's about overcoming that fear of moving forward.  And it's about living for today.  And finally, it's about recognizing that being here now; is a blessing in and of itself.  And its also about finding a sense of gratitude for your blessings -- no matter how small or seemingly insignificant they are.

  As one author wrote, and as is believed by many: "Christmas means Hope, Love and Peace" (Source).  

  Therefore, this part of the Christmas / Hanukkah / Kwanzaa Spirit can be about Love, Hope, Peace, and all that those things bring, such as Celebration, Gratitude, Forgiveness, Looking Forward, and Moving Forward as well.  

  However, this is not about any particular Religion.  This about letting go and moving forward for your own piece of mind.

  A lot of people think that in order to Forgive, one has to contact someone else; or that one has to do something or spend money or go out of their way....  But Forgiveness does not require any of that.  Remember Forgiveness does not require anything other than a willingness to let go of certain awful feelings about something or someone that negatively effected you in the past.  Forgiveness is Free and it also doesn't require that you actually do anything physical or social.  All you need do is look inside your heart and if you look deep enough, you will probably find it there.

  Forgiveness doesn't mean that bad things did not happen in your past.  It means that you are no longer willing to let those horrible feelings hold you back.  It's not always easy.  But its doable.  And in many ways, believe me....  it can be worth it.

  It's about recognizing that even if you don't have the emotional or financial resources to make Christmas what some think it should be; it is important to recognize that Celebrating, Gratitude, Forgiveness, Looking Forward, Creativity and Moving Forward are each available to us -- all of us, FREE OF CHARGE!  And that such thoughts and feelings can bring about wonderful gifts.

Discussion Questions:

• What does this time of year mean to me?

• What do I celebrate at this time of year?

• What or who are some things or people that I am most Grateful for at this time?

• What/Who are some people or things that I feel I can Forgive at this time?

• What things / thoughts / behaviors do I feel that I can Put Behind me at this time?

• In What ways do I feel that I am Looking Forward at this time?

Why a Safety Plan?

   Safety planning is relevant because the Holidays are here, stress is bound to increase (Distress as well as Eustress).  It is important that each of us has an idea of things I can do and people I can reach out to and resources I can use if needed -- just in case I start to get  stressed out during this time.  Hence, I ask myself the following questions:

• The Safety Plan begins with a commitment to do the Right Thing as needed.  Am I committed?

• Are there people I might see or think about during the Holidays that might present certain challenges for me?

• What will I do if I find myself around or with anyone who is totally negative, or who is using or abusing drugs or alcohol this Holiday Season?

• If I feel down or lonely or as if I might act out, or if I want or need someone to talk to, or if I feel like I am vulnerable to taking a drink or using drugs, I will contact the following supports?

• If I become tempted in any way to use abuse, violence, or substances during this Holiday Season, I will instead do the following?

              *** Please CLICK HERE to Complete 

                      your Holiday Safety Plan! ***

(Originally Posted: 12/21/2020)

Sources: 

https://womenagainstcrime.com/domestic-violence-and-the-holidays-what-you-should-know/

https://discoverlivingalive.com/practice-forgiveness/

https://onbeing.org/blog/postcards-for-hanukkah-the-eighth-night-forgiveness/

https://blogs.shu.edu/diplomacyresearch/2013/12/31/martin-luther-king-jr/#:~:text=MLK%20said%3A%20%E2%80%9CForgiveness%20does%20not,a%20barrier%20to%20the%20relationship.&text=%5B11%5DForgiveness%20means%20reconciliation%2C,man%20can%20love%20his%20enemies.

The Often-Times Challenging Journey from Trauma to Hope and Confidence for People with Domestic Violence Offenses

  As Humans we typically have the ability to feel, think and do (or not do).  We do it.  Then we can choose to do it all over again in any given order.  Hence, it makes sense to assume that when someone gets a DV Charge, he or she was feeling, thinking, and doing (in some order).

  Sure, our thinking may have been impaired by a substance.  And/or depending on the way we were raised; we may or may not be in touch with our feelings.  Or we may have just been frustrated.  Or perhaps we were simply too busy to give something the attention it deserved.  Furthermore, many of us do not always seem to have a truly functional connection between our feeling, our thinking and our doing -- especially if we are distracted.

  Yes, sometimes, we rationalize or excuse our behaviors by calling them reactions to someone or something else' actions; or by thinking we had no other choice.  But even so, we still must be accountable for our actions when they cause physical, emotional or some other form of harm or inconvenience to others.

So What are We?  Who are We -- Who are We Humans -- We Humans with Challenges -- We Humans with Challenges such as a Domestic Violence Offense and all that Follows?

  “Ben Okri is a Nigerian poet and novelist.  Okri is considered one of the foremost African authors in the post-modern and post-colonial traditions, and has been compared favorably to authors such as Salman Rushdie and Gabriel García Márquez" (Source).

  "The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering" (Ben Okri).

  Regardless of what we have done in our lives -- whether it was to make a Billion Dollars, Invent a Cure for COVID-19, Get a DV Offense, or otherwise; we still have those things that Okri mentioned.  We each must still feel, think and behave.  And when we behave -- (good or bad) -- we are doing -- and we are doing.

  Domestic Violence Offenses frequently cause some sort of Trauma for the Victims and for the Witnesses.  However, today, we are looking at that as well as at a different sort of Traumatization.  

The Trauma Associated with Being a DV Offender:

  I submit to you that DV Offenders also have Trauma in their lives.  Many were Traumatized in their past -- childhood, or some other form.  And many were also Traumatized by what happened in their relationships with the Victims -- possibly even prior to the offense.  And some were even Traumatized by their own DV Offense(s) as well as the intervention carried out by Law Enforcement and/or the Courts.

•   The fact that BOTH the Victims and the Perpetrators of DV have been Traumatized in no way excuses or justifies the harm that was done to the Victims and/or the Witnesses.  As each of us goes through the process of living day to day, we must hold ourselves Accountable for things we have done in our lives.

  At the same time, in order to Prevent any future Domestic Violence - related Feeling, Thinking or Doing / Behavior, we each must heal.  We each must move through the process of acknowledging the pain in our lives and move forward toward Forgiveness, Hope and Confidence.  This is the purpose of this week's lesson.  

  Ask yourself: "What is the process for someone to evolve from having committed a DV Offense; and to grow to a point to where they are able to come back whole and possibly even better than before?"

 

 

  “Man's Search for Meaning is a 1946 book by Viktor Frankl chronicling his experiences as a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps during World War II, and describing his psychotherapeutic method, which involved identifying a purpose to each person's life through one of three ways: the completion of tasks, caring for another person, or finding meaning by facing suffering with dignity.

  Frankl observed that among the fellow inmates in the concentration camp, those who survived were able to connect with a purpose in life to feel positive about, and then immersed themselves in imagining that purpose such as conversing with an (imagined) loved one. According to Frankl, the way a prisoner imagined the future affected his longevity.

  The book intends to answer the question "How was everyday life in a concentration camp reflected in the mind of the average prisoner?" Part One constitutes Frankl's analysis of his experiences in the concentration camps, while Part Two introduces his ideas of meaning and his theory called logotherapy.

According to a survey conducted by the Book-of-the-Month Club and the Library of Congress, Man's Search for Meaning belongs to a list of "the ten most influential books in the United States."[1] At the time of the author's death in 1997, the book had sold over 10 million copies and had been translated into 24 languages” (Source).

  A Few Sincere and Relatively Serious Questions to Ponder while one is in Search of Meaningful Answers on the Journey from a DV Offense, to feeling really bad and perhaps even like a Victim of the System; and then to the point of Hope and Confidence and moving forward in a positive and constructive way:

• What have the various Trauma(s) in my life been like for me?

• What has the Trauma of my DV Offense probably been like for the Victim?

• What has the Trauma of my DV Offense probably been like for the Witness(es)?

• What has the Trauma of my DV Offense probably been like for other third Parties involved such as Police, Jailers, Attorneys, Probation Officers, Treatment Providers, friends, employers and others?

• In what ways have I been in Denial related to this process?

• In what ways have I played, or actually been a Victim in this process?

• In what ways have I been Grieving during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Sorrow during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Anger during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Bargaining (or tried to change the outcome in my mind) during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Shame, the Fears and the Unknowns during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Depression during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Anxiety, Nervousness or Panic during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced a full Acceptance of the Consequences and Forgiveness of the Others Involved during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Forgiveness for My Self during this process?
• This is a place in my mind / my soul that could be a great place to make some lasting positive changes -- More Peace / Less Anger -- hopefully. It is assumed that One has to forgive his or her self in order to move on in a positive way and to successfully navigate his or her new World.

• In what ways have I experienced (given and/or received) Apology -- as in Apologizing to Others Effected; as well as Apologizing to My Self; or being Open and Able to Hear Someone Else' Apology during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Opportunity (for good or bad) during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced moving beyond my truths and my rationalizations and my excuses and reasons, toward my Acceptance of FACT(s) during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced A Sense of Helplessness during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Humility or Humbleness during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Survival and/or Survivorship during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Gratitude during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Acceptance of My Self (My Past Self, My Present Self and My Future Self) during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Accountability (Holding My Self Accountable) during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Re-Birth or Renewal or a "Do-Over" or a "Gimme" during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Confidence (in light of realizing the fact that I am Human and Humans are Imperfect) during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Hope and/or Faith that "everything will eventually work out" during this process?

NOW: Think to yourself......... Breathe deeply for a moment.......... How do you feel?

*** Click Here to Complete your From Trauma to Hope Worksheet. ***

and

Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

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For those who are having a difficult time with this, please Click Here to read the following  Quotes about Forgiveness.

(Originally Posted 11/23/2020.)

Sources:

• (Ben Okri: "“Ben Okri OBE FRSL is a Nigerian poet and novelist. Okri is considered one of the foremost African authors in the post-modern and post-colonial traditions, and has been compared favourably to authors such as Salman Rushdie and Gabriel García Márquez. Wikipedia” (Source).
• "30 Quotes on Forgiveness" (Source).

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Mindfulness and Prevention of DV: Where was I IN MY MIND when my DV Happened?

Can Mindfulness Help Prevent Domestic Violence?  

  According to HealthLine, regarding Mindfulness helping in Relationships: “A set of three studies from 2018 (Source) found evidence to suggest mindfulness can promote increased acceptance in romantic relationships. Being more present with your partner also seemed to have a positive impact on relationship satisfaction overall" (Source).

  Mindfulness would include understanding of one's self and at the very least, an attempt to understand the other person..

  It stands to reason that if a Relationship has more Acceptance and more Presence; then perhaps BOTH partners can find more satisfaction in the relationship; hence, they could have fewer of the Perceptions, Feelings, Thoughts, Behaviors and Impulses that relate to Domestic Violence.  Such a Relationship, might even have more Happiness, more Cooperation, more Negotiation, more Humility, more Fairness, more Compassion, more Mutual Respect, more Reciprocation, more Teamwork and a greater sense of Equality between the partners.

Why Does Domestic Violence Happen?

  In a 2016 article in Psych Central, the author writes about some of the theoretical reasons for DV saying:   "Domestic violence — also known as DV, intimate partner violence or abuse — may start when one partner feels the need to control and dominate the other."

  "Abusers may feel this need to control their partner because of low self-esteem, extreme jealousy, difficulties in regulating anger and other strong emotions, or when they feel inferior to the other partner in education and socioeconomic background." (Axelrod, J., 2016).

Dr. B. adds: "The above probably originates out of some very popular long-held beliefs about DV and they do have some validity.  However, based on years of practice in the field, Dr. B. does not whole-heartedly agree with all of that.  It is also believed that DV often seems to arise out of circumstances such as those which develop into crises with feelings among potential abusers (such as extreme insecurity, or extreme fear of loss of the relationship; or extreme frustration with things going on in the relationship, where a person might feel: 1) That they must do something; 2) That they must do something now; and 3) That they must somehow take control of the situation.)  And this is often where the exertion of power and control happens in DV.  This is certainly not to rationalize away the offender's responsibility for DV; nor is the intention here to project blame onto the Victim for the DV.  But rather, this is quite possibly more common of a reason for DV than some of those mentioned above, as it takes into account the Systems Perspective."

  Even when intoxicated, such feelings of jealousy, anger and other strong emotions can surface.  People often become more impulsive and even belligerent when intoxicated.  Many argue that their DV Offense would not have happened if not for the alcohol.  These feelings are still there; however, what might not have been there also while intoxicated was that ability to fully manage impulses.

  Others believe that when more closely examined, it seems that DV often happens as a result of poor choices and even mistakes.  

  Still others -- particularly victims of DV, DV Offenders, their Families, the Courts, and Treatment Providers really want to know more about exactly HOW DV happens?  There is no one certain answer.

  We know that in order for DV to happen, at least the Victim and the Perpetrator need to be physically present; or at least involved in a Relationship to some extent.  At the same time, one should consider that Presence in the sense of Mindfulness, can be much more than just being physically present. 

 

VIDEO: "A Mindfulness Exercise to Calm Your Emotions."

Mindfulness -- How does that work?

  Per Oxford, Mindfulness is:  “the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something” or “mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.”

  For example: In her Article regarding “Mindfulness, Presence and Connection”, Knowlan (2007) defined Mindfulness and Presence in the following ways:

"Mindfulness is a quality of focused, non-judgmental attention to the present moment; the capacity to witness.  Mindfulness is accepting something the way it is -- in the moment.

Whereas, Presence is a quality of being fully, yet authentically, available in the present moment; often experienced as a quality of being connected and open to what is arising or co-arising between and among us."  

It almost seems like Presence is kind of like just BEING IN The Moment WITH SOMEONE.

  Knowlan also wrote that, “THE CAPACITY TO BE MINDFUL is fundamental to creating conscious, living systems” (Knowlan, 2007).

  In other words, Mindfulness is about being more Conscious of ourselves and others.

  In some ways, it seems that a Healthy Relationship could be viewed as a Conscious Living System -- or at least a part of such a system.

Question:

  So if I was conscious of my partner and my self in our relationship, How did our DV Offense happen?

  And even more telling could be the answer in mindfulness terms to the question: Why did this DV Offense happen?  

  Could it be because there was a problem with this System -- with OUR system -- the system that lives within and between us?  

  Could it be that when a Relationship is at the point of having DV; then the Relationship is lacking in Consciousness; or lacking a sense of living Vitality?

  That being proposed, one again asks: How did this DV Offense Happen?  

  In other words, What was going on when the urge to do what was done happened?  

  Or when the related decision or choice to do what I or we did was made?  

  Or even the failure to stop it from happening occurred?  

  And in some cases such as those involving drinking; this could be where the alcohol gets blamed -- But unfortunately, blaming the alcohol just does not do the trick.

  Although this dialectic here may seem like a spiral of sorts; this could be how we begin to truly understand what was going on with me; the person who committed this DV Offense -- at the time that I did what I did.

  If I could juts answer this, I might be getting somewhere.

  And with Mindfulness; we might also consider what was going on with the Victim at that time as well (That's what we call empathy)?  

  Empathy could be helpful.

  But our main focus should be on our selves and what was happening with us at that moment.

Video: "Mindfulness Exercise: Body Scan."

Still We Must Fully Understand How It Happened:

  It stands to reason that in order to end DV -- or to improve a damaged relationship; we should fully understand how it happened?  Hence, we need to know why it happened?  

  We look inside of ourselves -- inside of the person who did the offense... and how this person (I) was Feeling or Thinking; and how I was Doing at the time just prior to the DV Offense?

  And this is where we shift our focus to our sense of  PRESENCE.... In a way...  for example, a great question to ask one's self could be: "Where was I (in my mind, like cognitively and emotionally -- fears and all) when my Domestic Violence Offense Happened?

And Perhaps this is where Mindfulness Can Really Make a Difference?

  Some scholars say that: 

"Being present (or living mindfully, whatever you want to call it) simply means you're focused and engaged in the here and now, not distracted or mentally absent."  They say that "Being Present" or (Being Mindful) "Mindfulness" can (also) help with Managing Stress, Mental Health Symptoms, and with Relationships (Source).

Instead of letting your mind wander to your partner’s quirks or mistakes, or things you wish they would do (or not do), try focusing on the moment-to-moment experience of your relationship. This can make it easier to both enjoy the many things you appreciate about your partner and address problems or concerns as they happen” (Source). 

  So, let's try some more Mindfulness... Think about this for a minute:    

  Where were we when our DV Happened?  Yeah.. sure, we know we were physically somewhere -- but where were we in our heads, or our minds and in our hearts at the time?

  This inspirational quote might help:

“It stands to reason that anyone who learns to live well will die well. The skills are the same: being PRESENT in the moment, and humble, and brave, and keeping a sense of humor” (Victoria Moran, Source).

And that's what we are working on here.   You Ready???

Can Mindfulness Help Prevent DV?  

  Surely, Mindfulness can also help at times other than while we are in the middle of a conflict.  This Exercise, for example, below is about Integrating our Heart with our Head -- that's our Feelings and our thoughts -- and doing so within the Context of a DV Offense.

We can possibly progress toward Prevention of Future DV and Healthier Resolution of our recent DV Offense through developing introspection about the following:

Question: 

---  What was I thinking before, during and after my DV offense?

---  Where was I in my head during the offense -- Where was my mind?  What was my mind doing at the time?

---  What was my heart saying to me at the time of my offense?

---  And at that time also, how did I respond to the callings of my Head and my Heart?  Did I listen to them?  And more importantly; Did I act on them?

Sometimes, a Relaxation Activity might help one develop a better understanding of such.  Let's try it!

Mindfulness Exercise for Relaxation & Stress Relief: 

5-Minute Exercise You Can Do Anywhere

NOW -- Let's Just try to start to Relax a little.

  Practicing Mindfulness.  Mindfulness can include many thoughts, feelings and actions: Awareness, Presence, Feeling the Vibe, Breathing Exercises, such as Breathing in the good, nice energy; and then Expelling all the Toxic or Negative Energy, Being in the Moment, like Right here, Right now, Positive thinking and Positive Projection, Humility and Humbleness, Accepting What it Is about yourself and Accepting Others as well, Developing Compassion for yourself and others, Accepting the things that you cannot control.  It’s about Having Faith in Yourself, and Having Faith in Others Around You too.  It’s about Practicing Patience with everyone and everything all the time.  And It’s about forgiveness –giving forgiveness to yourself and forgiving others.  And finally,  it’s about doing the best that you can, and Letting go of things that hold you back.

So, Let's Try Something Like This Mindfulness Activity:  

Please Follow these instructions:

Relax your hands.  Close your eyes.  Put your feet flat in front of you -- unless you are sitting on the floor.  Then put all of your weight on your but.  Sit back.  Relax.

Breathe slow, take some very deep breaths -- 

>>> --  Breathing in for 3 seconds or 3 Mississippi's -- and hold.

>>> --  Hold that breath in for 1 - 2 seconds or Mississippi's, then

>>> --  Slowly Breathe out for 3 seconds or Mississippi's.

Then Repeat...  until you feel relaxed... (Possibly 3 minutes).

Once you feel relaxed; Picture yourself... Picture you at that time.

  And think: Where was I in a Physical Sense when my DV Offense Happened?  Think about yourself at that time.  

  Now, Describe to yourself your sense of the scene of the Offense: Who was there?  How were they acting?  How were they apparently feeling?

  Ask yourself the following as you move forward in time:

 >>> What were my Thoughts at the time this happened -- the time of the Offense?

 

 >>> What were my Feelings at the time this happened -- the time of the Offense?

  >>> What were my Worries at that time?  What were my Fears at that time?  What was I afraid of at that time?

>>>  What were my Wants at this time?  What did I want to happen? 

>>>  What were my Needs at that time?  What did I need? 

>>>  What did I feel like doing at the time just prior to My DV Offense?

 >>>  And as you go the point where your Offense happened, What was driving me in that moment?

  Now: Consider this:  After a tragedy such as a DV Offense; we sometimes trick ourselves into believing that we did not have a choice.  But we did have a choice at that time?

 >>> What were my Options just prior to My DV Offense?

 >>> Now Remember, this is not about having Regrets or Remorse. 

 >>> But this is more about finding solutions for prevention.

 >>> Let it go.

>>> This is about having Healthier Relationships.

>>> This is about Finding Happiness for Our Selves and for others In Relationships and In The Future. 

  >>> Remember your Breathing.  Mississippi's....  

Mindfulness Exercise for loss and letting go: Alternative Action for Letting Go:  Heartbeat, A Mindfulness Exercise To Calm Your Emotions

>>> Imagine a nice white clean piece of paper and a pencil in your hands and you are writing down all of the Regretful thoughts, feelings and actions associated with your DV Offense.  You may write down your losses too. 

>>> Then after you finish writing, you may crumble this piece of paper into a very tight ball.  And when you are ready to let go of the Blame, the Shame, the Guilt and the Regrets related to your DV Offense; when you are ready to move on beyond all that negative stuff, throw that paper ball as far away as you can; and look away from it, turn around and walk away.  

Now -- Come back to full consciousness slowly...  feeling yourself where you are right now.  And when you are ready, you can Open your eyes and Relax...

 Now Come back to this room...

 <<< How do you feel?

 <<< Many people feel more energized after they complete an exercise such as this and relaxed as well.  Both at the same time.   

          How do you feel?  

 <<< What do you recall from this session? 

 <<< What insights did you gain? 

 <<<  What if we used this technique during crises in the future?  How might my life be different if I was using this technique before I got into trouble?  How might lives of others be different?

 

 ****** End of Mindfulness Activity )******

 >>> * Please Click HERE to Complete your 

Mindfulness & DV Prevention Worksheet. * <<<

*** And always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session (Below). 

 

 Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

Music:  

My Old School (Steely Dan)

Tomorrow Never Knows (The Beatles)

Tomorrow Never Knows (Los Lobos)

Sources: 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6153889/

https://www.healthline.com/health/being-present#What-it-really-means

Knowlan, 2007.

http://www.morefamousquotes.com/topics/quotes-about-being-present-in-the-moment/

Accountability for What is Perceived by Other People as Domestic Violence

  If I do something that could be viewed as the wrong thing to do -- Did I still do it?

And even if I did it in the shade where no one could see me do it -- I still did it, right?

Accountability: According to one source, accountability can be defined as "a noun that describes accepting responsibility, and it can be personal or very public. A government has accountability for decisions and laws affecting its citizens; an individual has accountability for acts and behaviors. Sometimes, though, taking accountability means admitting you made a mistake."  And at other times, one has to simply admit that they made a poor choice.

Perception (Perceived) is in the eyes of the observer.  I cannot count the number of times that a person with a DV offense told me that he or she was accused of DV; however, they said that the accuser did not know what was really going on.  Yet still, this person with a DV offense was sitting right in front of me -- just as the court ordered.  

  In other words, what is perceived as DV by some people might or might not have been intended to be DV by the person who actually did it; however, it may have been perceived as such by the victim, or even by the observer.

  Surely, if one does not intend to commit DV, then one should not be doing anything that could be perceived as DV, right?

  Thus, even if one continues to feel like one was convicted or offered a plea deal based on someone else's faulty perception; the fact is that this person is now under court order to complete DV Treatment.

  In other words, even if one does not think they committed DV; the Court believes that they did.  So one might as well relax and make the most of this opportunity to make some positive changes in one's life.

Getting Deeper into Accountability in Terms of a Domestic Violence Offense:

  Noting the definition at the top of this page, within the context of Domestic Violence, accountability can be further defined as: When a person with a DV offense takes full (100%; not just 50%) responsibility for his or her own actions, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings related to the DV offense(s).  This includes becoming responsible for his or her part in the cause(s) of DV, the reason(s) for the DV, the behaviors leading up to the DV offense, all of the different elements of the DV itself, the effects of the DV, the impact that this DV had on all of those who were affected by it, and even the actions that other people took to try and deal with DV.

  In DV-related situations, the person with the DV offense is called upon to be 100% accountable for his or her actions.

  At the same time -- although the offender must NEVER try to blame the victim for the offense; there are cases where it is also in the victim's interest to search her or his self for accountability for her or his own actions, thoughts, behaviors and the impact on self and others as they relate to the DV offense.  

  In other words, even if the victim did something that upset me; I have no right to do what I did to them.  And that's there are charges attached.

  Now again, it is never a victim's fault for being attacked by an anyone else.  However, some victims of DV might be wise to try and help prevent themselves and others from becoming victims of DV through making wiser, more informed, slower, and more proactive choices about who to get involved with, which risk-factors to tolerate, and which ones to take seriously, when to start safety planning, when to involve third parties such as counselors or advocates, when to contact police, and when and how to exit volatile relationships safely. 

  Nonetheless, regardless of who the victim is, or what they did or did not do; the DV offender must be 100% accountable for his or her choices and actions.  

  Accepting this responsibility is part of the change process as well as the healing process. 

What does Accountability Look Like in DV Treatment?

  Accountability-like Behaviors can include:

1. ·         A person apologizing for his or her DV-related actions, behaviors, thoughts and/or feelings without blaming any of it on the other person;
2. ·         A person accepting that his or her DV-related legal problems are NOT the fault of the Victim, the police, the person who called the police, the courts, probation, or DV treatment providers.
3. ·         A person coming to all DV classes, paying for all DV classes, contributing thoughts, feelings and ideas in class, and complying with all other DV-related requirements.
4. ·         A person actively taking a full moral inventory of her or his own character, behavior, thinking, feeling, or socialization challenges that lead to the DV and making a serious commitment to changing them for the better.
5. ·         A person taking full responsibility for his or her DV actions without trying to say that it was the alcohol or drug’s fault. 
6. ·         A person taking steps to make amends (altruistic amends only – (i.e., expecting nothing in return)) for the damage he or she did.
7. ·         A person taking serious steps and making serious lifestyle changes that will lead to preventing any DV in the future; and
8. ·         A person committing to living her or his life in such a way as to have the serenity to accept the things that she or he cannot change; the courage to change the things she or he can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    Think about it: In your current situation, what does accountability look like when one is really getting something out of DV treatment?   

Check out this Article on ACCOUNTABILITY!

“Ways to be Accountable When You Have Been Abusive.”

by Kai Cheng Thom  

As I sit in my bed and begin to type (beds are my favorite typing places), there is a part of me that says, don’t write this article.

There is a part of me that still resonates deeply with the fear and shame that surround the topics of abuse and intimate partner violence – the taboo that most communities have around talking not just about the fact that people experience rape and abuse, but that people we know and care about might be rapists and abusers.

Perhaps most secret and shameful of all is the fear that we, ourselves, are or have been abusive – the fear that we could be those villains, those monsters in the night.

Nobody wants to be “an abuser.” No one wants to admit that they have hurt someone, especially when so many of us have been hurt ourselves.

But the truth is that abusers and survivors of abuse do not exist, and have never existed, in a dichotomy: Sometimes, hurt people hurt people.  In this rape culture we live in, sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference between the hurt you are experiencing and the hurt you are causing someone else.

Seven years ago, when I first started training as support worker for survivors of intimate partner violence, I was sitting in a training workshop when someone asked what our organization’s policy was on taking requests for support from people who were abusing their partners and wanted help stopping.

The answer was brusque and immediate: “We don’t work with abusers. Period.”

Fair enough, I thought. After all, an organization created to support survivors of rape and abuse should center survivors, not the people who hurt them. The only problem was, I wondered, What happens when people are both survivors and abusers? And if we don’t work with abusers, who does?

Note: I am not, in this article, talking about whether or not a relationship can be “mutually abusive.” This is a conversation for another time. Rather, I am suggesting that people who are survivors in one relationship are capable of being abusive in previous or later relationships.

Seven years later, as a therapist who has worked with many individuals who are “recovering” or “former” abusers, I am still looking for the answers to those questions. The fact is that there are extremely few resources and organizations out there with the mandate, will, and/or knowledge to how to help people stop being abusive.

But doesn’t the feminist saying go, “We shouldn’t be teaching people how not to get raped, we should be teaching people not to rape?”

And if so, doesn’t it follow that we shouldn’t only support people who have survived abuse, we should also support people in learning how not to abuse?

When we are able to admit that the capacity to harm lies within ourselves – within us all – we become capable of radically transforming the conversation around abuse and rape culture. We can go from simply reacting to abuse and punishing “abusers” to preventing abuse and healing our communities.

Because the revolution starts at home, as they say. The revolution starts in your house, in your own relationships, in your bedroom. The revolution starts in your heart.

 

The following is a nine-step guide to confronting

the abuser in you, in me, in us all.

 

>>> 1. Listen to the Survivor

When one has been abusive, the very first – and one of the most difficult – skills of holding oneself accountable is learning to simply listen to the person or people whom one has harmed:

• Listening without becoming defensive.
• Listening without trying to equivocate or make excuses.
• Listening without minimizing or denying the extent of the harm.
• Listening without trying to make oneself the center of the story being told.

When someone, particularly a partner or loved one, tells you that you have hurt or abused them, it can be easy to understand this as an accusation or attack. Very often, this is our first assumption – that we are being attacked.

This is why so many perpetrators of abuse respond to survivors who confront them by saying something along the lines of, “I’m not abusing you. You are abusing me, right now, with this accusation!”

But this is the cycle of violence talking. This is the script that rape culture has built for us: a script in which there must be a hero and a villain, a right and a wrong, an accuser and an accused.

What if we understood being confronted about perpetuating abuse as an act of courage – even a gift – on the part of the survivor?

What if, instead of reacting immediately in our own defense, we instead took the time to listen, to really try to understand the harm we might have done to another person?

When we think of accountability in terms of listening and love instead of accusation and punishment, everything changes.

 

>>> 2. Take Responsibility For the Abuse

After listening, the next step in holding oneself accountable is taking responsibility for the abuse. This means, simply enough, agreeing that you and only you are the source of physical, emotional, or psychological violence directed toward another person.

A simple analogy for taking responsibility for abuse can be made to taking responsibility for stepping on someone else’s foot: There are many reasons why you might do such a thing – you were in a hurry, you weren’t looking where you were going, or maybe no one ever taught you that it was wrong to step on other people’s feet.

But you still did it. No one else – only you are responsible, and it is up to you to acknowledge and apologize for it.

The same holds true for abuse: No one, and I really mean no one – not your partner, not patriarchy, not mental illness, not society, not the Devil – is responsible for the violence that you do to another person.

A lot of factors can contribute to or influence one’s reasons for committing abuse (see the point below), but in the end, only I am responsible for my actions, as you are for yours.

 

>>> 3. Accept That Your Reasons Are Not Excuses

There is an awful, pervasive myth out there that people who abuse others do so simply because they are bad people – because they are sadistic, or because they enjoy other people’s pain.

This is, I think, part of the reason why so many people who have been abusive in the past or present resist the use of the terms “abuse” or “abuser” to describe their behavior. In fact, very, very, very few people who abuse are motivated to do so by sadism.

In my experience as a therapist and community support worker, when people are abusive, it’s usually because they have a reason based in desperation or suffering.

Some reasons for abusive behavior I have heard include:

• I am isolated and alone, and the only person who keeps me alive is my partner. This is why I can’t let my partner leave me.
• My partner hurts me all the time.  I was just hurting them back.
• I am sick, and if I don’t force people to take care of me, then I will be left to die.
• I am suffering, and the only way to relieve the pain is to hurt myself or others.
• I didn’t know that what I was doing was abuse. People always did the same to me. I was just following the script.
• No one will love me unless I make them.

All of these are powerful, real reasons for abuse – but they are also never excuses. There is no reason good enough to excuse abusive behavior.

Reasons help us understand abuse, but they do not excuse it.

Accepting this is essential to transforming culpability into accountability and turning justice into healing.

 

>>> 4. Don’t Play the ‘Survivor Olympics’

As I mentioned above, communities tend to operate on a survivor/abuser or victim/perpetrator dichotomy model of abuse. This is the belief that people who have survived abuse in one relationship can never be abusive in other relationships.

I find that social justice or leftist communities also tend to misapply social analysis to individual situations of abuse, suggesting that individuals who belong to oppressed or marginalized groups can never abuse individuals who belong to privileged groups (that is, that women can never abuse men, racialized people can never abuse white people, and so on).

But neither of the above ideas is true.  Survivors of abuse in one relationship can, in fact, be abusive in other relationships.

And it’s for privileged individuals to abuse others because of the extra power social privilege gives them, but anyone is capable of abusing anyone given the right (or rather, wrong) circumstances.

It can be easy, when confronted with the abuse we have perpetrated, to try and play “survivor Olympics.”

“I can’t be abusive,” we may want to argue, “I’m a survivor!” Or “The abuse I have survived is so much worse than what you’re accusing me of!” Or “Nothing I do is abusive to you, because you have more privilege than me.”

But survivors can be abusers, too.

Anyone can be abusive, and comparing or trivializing doesn’t absolve us of responsibility for it.

 

>>> 5. Take the Survivor’s Lead

When having a dialogue with someone who has abused, it’s essential to give the survivor the space to take the lead on expressing their needs and setting boundaries.

If you have abused someone, it’s not up to you to decide how the process of healing or accountability should work.

Instead, it might be a good idea to try asking the person who has confronted you questions like: What do you need right now? Is there anything I can do to make this feel better? How much contact would you like to have with me going forward? If we share a community, how should I navigate situations where we might end up in the same place? How does this conversation feel for you, right now?

At the same time, it’s important to understand that the needs of survivors of abuse can change over time, and that survivors may not always know right away – or ever – what their needs are.

Being accountable and responsible for abuse means being patient, flexible, and reflective about the process of having dialogue with the survivor.

 

>>> 6. Face the Fear of Accountability

Being accountable for abuse takes a lot of courage.

We live in a culture that demonizes and oversimplifies abuse, probably because we don’t want to accept the reality that abuse is actually commonplace and can be perpetrated by anybody.

A lot of people paint themselves into corners denying abuse, because, to be quite honest, it’s terrifying to face the consequences, real and imagined, of taking responsibility.

And there are real risks: People have lost friends, communities, jobs, and resources over abuse.  The risks are especially high for marginalized individuals – I am thinking particularly of Black and Brown folks here – who are likely to face harsh, discriminatory sentencing in legal processes.

There is nothing I can say to make this hard reality easier.

I can only suggest that when it comes to ending abuse, it’s easier to face our fear than live in it all of our lives. It’s more healing to tell the truth than to hide inside a lie.

When we hold ourselves accountable, we prove that the myth of the “monster” abuser is a lie.

 

>>> 7. Separate Guilt from Shame

Shame and social stigma are powerful emotional forces that can prevent us from holding ourselves accountable for being abusive: We don’t want to admit to “being that person,” so we don’t admit to having been abusive at all.

Some people might suggest that people who have been abusive ought to feel shame – after all, perpetrating abuse is wrong. I would argue, though, that this is where the difference between guilt and shame is key:

Guilt is feeling bad about something you’ve done. Shame is feeling bad about who you are.

People who have been abusive should feel guilty – guilty for the specific acts of abuse they are responsible for. They should not feel shame about who they are, because this means that abuse has become a part of their identity.

It means that they believe that they are fundamentally a bad person – in other words, “an abuser.”

But if you believe that you are an “abuser,” a bad person who hurts others, then you have already lost the struggle for change – because we cannot change who we are.

If you believe that you are a fundamentally good person who has done hurtful or abusive things, then you open the possibility for change.

 

>>> 8. Don’t Expect Anyone to Forgive You

Being accountable is not, fundamentally, about earning forgiveness.  That is to say, it doesn’t matter how accountable you are – nobody has to forgive you for being abusive, least of all the person you have abused.

In fact, using the process of “doing” accountability to try and manipulate or coerce someone into giving their forgiveness to you is an extension of the abuse dynamic. It centers the abuser, not the survivor.

One shouldn’t try aim for forgiveness when holding oneself accountable. Rather, self-accountability is about learning how we have harmed others, why we have harmed others, and how we can stop.

But…

 

>>> 9. Forgive Yourself

You do have to forgive yourself.  Because you can’t stop hurting other people until you stop hurting yourself.

When one is abusive, when one is hurting so much on the inside, that it feels like the only way to make it stop is to hurt other people, it can be terrifying to face the hard truth of words like abuse and accountability.  One might rather blame others, blame society, blame the people we love, instead of ourselves.

This is true, I think, of community as well as individuals. It is so much easier, so much simpler, to create hard lines between good and bad people, to create walls to shut the shadowy archetype of “the abuser” out instead of mirrors to look at the abuser within.

Perhaps this is why self-accountability tools like this list are so rare.

It takes courage to be accountable. To decide to heal.

But when we do decide, we discover incredible new possibilities: There is good in everyone. Anyone is capable of change. And you are braver than you know."

Kai Cheng Thom is a Contributing Writer for Everyday Feminism. She is a Chinese trans woman writer, poet, and performance artist based in Montreal. She also holds a Master’s degree in clinical social work, and is working toward creating accessible, politically conscious mental health care for marginalized youth in her community. You can find out more about her work on her website and at Monster Academy."

(Retrieved 11/11/2025: https://transformharm.org/9-ways-to-be-accountable-when-youve-been-abusive/)"

  Please click on the link below to complete the attached Worksheet in order to complete this topic:  Accountability for What is Perceived as DV Worksheet

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(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic     and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)