A Collection of Quotations About Forgiveness

“30 Quotes on Forgiveness: Ponder these words of wisdom" (2/1/2011).

 "THE BASICS: The Importance of Forgiveness (From Psychology Today):

 Remember, you don't forgive someone for his or her sake—you forgive them for your sake. (On a side note, I just read that as "sake," the drink. I think that means it's time for me to get some sushi.)

 Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, nor does it mean that you've given the message that what someone did was OK. It just means that you've let go of the anger or guilt towards someone, or towards yourself. But that can be easier said than done. If forgiveness was easy, everyone would be doing it.

 "When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free." –Katherine Ponder

"There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love." –Bryant H. McGill

"A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers." –Robert Quillen

"Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me." –Anonymous

"Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time-just like it does for you and me." –Sara Paddison

"Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast." –Marlene Dietrich

"Forgiveness is the giving, and so the receiving, of life." –George MacDonald

"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - –Louis B. Smedes

"We are all on a life long journey and the core of its meaning, the terrible demand of its centrality is forgiving and being forgiven." –Martha Kilpatrick

"To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness." –Robert Muller

"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." –Mark Twain

"Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much." –Oscar Wilde

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." –Mahatma Gandhi

"Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting." –William Arthur Ward

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future." –Paul Boese

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." –William Blake

"If you can't forgive and forget, pick one." –Robert Brault

"He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass." –George Herbert

"Without forgiveness life is governed by... an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation." –Roberto Assagioli

"Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself." –Harriet Nelson

"Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge." –Isaac Friedmann

"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." –Louis B. Smedes

"Life is an adventure in forgiveness." –Norman Cousins

"Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom." –Hannah Arendt

"Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave." –Indira Gandhi

"Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on." –Alice Duer Miller

"As long as you don't forgive, who and whatever it is will occupy a rent-free space in your mind." –Isabelle Holland

"Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were." –Cherie Carter-Scott

"Forgiveness is like faith. You have to keep reviving it." –Mason Cooley

"Only the brave know how to forgive. ... A coward never forgave; it is not in his nature." –Laurence Sterne”

Sources:

• "30 Quotes on Forgiveness" (Source).

The Holidays can be a Great Time to Move Forward: Planning for a Nourishing and SAFE Holiday

   This is a time of year when many Americans and others celebrate Winter Solstice, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Boxing Day.  And others who celebrate Christmas might say "Merry Christmas" in different ways, such as the Navajo saying: “Yá'át'ééh Késhmish” Merry Christmas in the Navajo Language."  Or others say, "Nittak Hullo Chito Na Yukpa (Merry Christmas) from. Chief Batton and the Choctaw Nation!"  And Latinos say, "Feliz Navidad!"

  Personally, I focus mainly on Christmas because this is a tradition that I understand more than I do others. 

  I know from my personal experience that along with Giving, Sharing, Blessing, Gratefulness, and the Joy and Celebration of Christmas, Forgiveness can also be a true Blessing of Christmas.  The Holidays can also be a time of huge Stress, Unpleasant Surprises and Disappointment.  All of these (the good and the bad) can cause STRESS.  And STRESS often leaves us open to negative thinking and problematic behaviors.

  On the other hand: for many, the Holidays bring mixed emotions.  With Holidays often comes feelings like Joy, happiness... and yes.. homecomings and forgiveness.

  ""We know based on research that violence and abuse rates go up in times of tension and stress and holidays happen to be a lot of financial stress," said Lizzy Kennedy, Communication Outreach Coordinator at Shelterhouse in Midland."

  "Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. ... Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses" (Source).

  I would guess that most of us have something or someone to forgive.  Likewise, we each have probably also been wronged in one way or another at some point(s) in our lives.  Furthermore, we each have probably also done someone else wrong in our lives.  It is sad to think of all the energy that gets tied up in resentment for the wrongs that have been done to people over the ages.  

  It's like, if we could all just take a break from the anger and the resentment for a while; perhaps some of the violence would also cease.

  Unfortunately Domestic Violence does not take a Holiday.  And some even say that it gets worse during the Holidays.  

  For example: One person recently posted on the Internet in an article titled, "Domestic Violence and the Holidays: What You Should Know":

  "On the night before Thanksgiving 2020, 9-1-1 dispatchers in Albuquerque got a call regarding an unresponsive woman. When the ambulance arrived, Nicole was pronounced dead at the scene, with suspicious marks on her neck and face that denoted beating and strangulation. Her boyfriend, Francisco, who had made the call to 9-1-1, was arrested for murder and tampering with evidence.

  Unfortunately, this true story is all too common, especially in Albuquerque. Women often experience domestic abuse or violence on or around major holidays, including Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, and even Super Bowl Sunday. Many victims are unable to escape, in spite of the holidays being a time of family reunions, warm conversations, and generosity.

  According to statistics, domestic abuse increases over the holidays, for a number of possible reasons:

•   Stress from holiday shopping, finances, and planning can aggravate volatile personalities.
•   Abusers are more likely to partake of alcohol or drugs when they don’t have to work.  And when people drink too much alcohol this can often lead to violence.
•   Simple opportunity: Abusers are more likely to be home alone with their victims than at other times of the year" (Source).

  Hence it almost goes without saying that people should be extra careful during the Holidays to have a Happy and Safe Holiday -- and that goes for potential abusers and potential victims of Domestic Violence as well.  

So What About The Holidays and Forgiveness: A Potentially Overlooked Blessing of Christmas?

  Forgiveness is a Virtue that is frequently offered and given in Christianity. 

  And also, the Eighth Night of Hanukkah is about Forgiveness for some people.  “Forgiveness is important in Judaism and is a duty, or a mitzvah that Jews should try their best to obey. Teachings on forgiveness can (also) be found in the Torah” (Source).

  Additionally, as a Christian, Dr. Martin Luther King expressed how he believed in Forgiveness.  

– “Despite Doctor King’s several arrests and detention, he drew strength from the power of love, forgiveness and non-violence.  He said: “Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act.”  It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship.  He further said that forgiveness is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning, and we are free from the mental block that impedes new relationships.  Forgiveness means reconciliation, a coming together again. Without this, no man (or woman) can love his (or her) enemies.  The degree to which we are able to forgive determines the degree to which we are able to love our enemies."

"These prophetic expressions of Doctor King's still reverberate as inspiration to oppressed people all over the world” (Source).

  Also, in a post on "Practicing Forgiveness", another author shared that this time of year provides an excellent opportunity for Forgiveness.  They write: “Forgive them – not for them, but for you” (Source).  In other words, give yourself the gift of Forgiveness, by forgiving either your self or someone else this Holiday Season.

  This idea seems also to fit with the notions about forgiveness that Dr. King shared, because it is believed by Christians that Jesus taught about how loving your enemies can be good for you.  And how Forgiveness can help bring about a Renewal of sorts.  

  Christmas and these other holidays can be about renewal as well.  However, many people in other traditions also believe that "renewal" requires a letting go of the past -- just for a little while, if not forever.  

  These Holidays (and others) can be about letting go of the pain from the past.  It's about recognizing the need to move on.  It's also about realizing that you have the power to choose to move beyond the negative, and possibly into the positive.  It's about not letting the ugliness of things that happened before to color your day today.  It's about overcoming that fear of moving forward.  And it's about living for today.  And finally, it's about recognizing that being here now; is a blessing in and of itself.  And its also about finding a sense of gratitude for your blessings -- no matter how small or seemingly insignificant they are.

  As one author wrote, and as is believed by many: "Christmas means Hope, Love and Peace" (Source).  

  Therefore, this part of the Christmas / Hanukkah / Kwanzaa Spirit can be about Love, Hope, Peace, and all that those things bring, such as Celebration, Gratitude, Forgiveness, Looking Forward, and Moving Forward as well.  

  However, this is not about any particular Religion.  This about letting go and moving forward for your own piece of mind.

  A lot of people think that in order to Forgive, one has to contact someone else; or that one has to do something or spend money or go out of their way....  But Forgiveness does not require any of that.  Remember Forgiveness does not require anything other than a willingness to let go of certain awful feelings about something or someone that negatively effected you in the past.  Forgiveness is Free and it also doesn't require that you actually do anything physical or social.  All you need do is look inside your heart and if you look deep enough, you will probably find it there.

  Forgiveness doesn't mean that bad things did not happen in your past.  It means that you are no longer willing to let those horrible feelings hold you back.  It's not always easy.  But its doable.  And in many ways, believe me....  it can be worth it.

  It's about recognizing that even if you don't have the emotional or financial resources to make Christmas what some think it should be; it is important to recognize that Celebrating, Gratitude, Forgiveness, Looking Forward, Creativity and Moving Forward are each available to us -- all of us, FREE OF CHARGE!  And that such thoughts and feelings can bring about wonderful gifts.

Discussion Questions:

• What does this time of year mean to me?

• What do I celebrate at this time of year?

• What or who are some things or people that I am most Grateful for at this time?

• What/Who are some people or things that I feel I can Forgive at this time?

• What things / thoughts / behaviors do I feel that I can Put Behind me at this time?

• In What ways do I feel that I am Looking Forward at this time?

Why a Safety Plan?

   Safety planning is relevant because the Holidays are here, stress is bound to increase (Distress as well as Eustress).  It is important that each of us has an idea of things I can do and people I can reach out to and resources I can use if needed -- just in case I start to get  stressed out during this time.  Hence, I ask myself the following questions:

• The Safety Plan begins with a commitment to do the Right Thing as needed.  Am I committed?

• Are there people I might see or think about during the Holidays that might present certain challenges for me?

• What will I do if I find myself around or with anyone who is totally negative, or who is using or abusing drugs or alcohol this Holiday Season?

• If I feel down or lonely or as if I might act out, or if I want or need someone to talk to, or if I feel like I am vulnerable to taking a drink or using drugs, I will contact the following supports?

• If I become tempted in any way to use abuse, violence, or substances during this Holiday Season, I will instead do the following?

              *** Please CLICK HERE to Complete 

                      your Holiday Safety Plan! ***

(Originally Posted: 12/21/2020)

Sources: 

https://womenagainstcrime.com/domestic-violence-and-the-holidays-what-you-should-know/

https://discoverlivingalive.com/practice-forgiveness/

https://onbeing.org/blog/postcards-for-hanukkah-the-eighth-night-forgiveness/

https://blogs.shu.edu/diplomacyresearch/2013/12/31/martin-luther-king-jr/#:~:text=MLK%20said%3A%20%E2%80%9CForgiveness%20does%20not,a%20barrier%20to%20the%20relationship.&text=%5B11%5DForgiveness%20means%20reconciliation%2C,man%20can%20love%20his%20enemies.

The Often-Times Challenging Journey from Trauma to Hope and Confidence for People with Domestic Violence Offenses

  As Humans we typically have the ability to feel, think and do (or not do).  We do it.  Then we can choose to do it all over again in any given order.  Hence, it makes sense to assume that when someone gets a DV Charge, he or she was feeling, thinking, and doing (in some order).

  Sure, our thinking may have been impaired by a substance.  And/or depending on the way we were raised; we may or may not be in touch with our feelings.  Or we may have just been frustrated.  Or perhaps we were simply too busy to give something the attention it deserved.  Furthermore, many of us do not always seem to have a truly functional connection between our feeling, our thinking and our doing -- especially if we are distracted.

  Yes, sometimes, we rationalize or excuse our behaviors by calling them reactions to someone or something else' actions; or by thinking we had no other choice.  But even so, we still must be accountable for our actions when they cause physical, emotional or some other form of harm or inconvenience to others.

So What are We?  Who are We -- Who are We Humans -- We Humans with Challenges -- We Humans with Challenges such as a Domestic Violence Offense and all that Follows?

  “Ben Okri is a Nigerian poet and novelist.  Okri is considered one of the foremost African authors in the post-modern and post-colonial traditions, and has been compared favorably to authors such as Salman Rushdie and Gabriel García Márquez" (Source).

  "The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering" (Ben Okri).

  Regardless of what we have done in our lives -- whether it was to make a Billion Dollars, Invent a Cure for COVID-19, Get a DV Offense, or otherwise; we still have those things that Okri mentioned.  We each must still feel, think and behave.  And when we behave -- (good or bad) -- we are doing -- and we are doing.

  Domestic Violence Offenses frequently cause some sort of Trauma for the Victims and for the Witnesses.  However, today, we are looking at that as well as at a different sort of Traumatization.  

The Trauma Associated with Being a DV Offender:

  I submit to you that DV Offenders also have Trauma in their lives.  Many were Traumatized in their past -- childhood, or some other form.  And many were also Traumatized by what happened in their relationships with the Victims -- possibly even prior to the offense.  And some were even Traumatized by their own DV Offense(s) as well as the intervention carried out by Law Enforcement and/or the Courts.

•   The fact that BOTH the Victims and the Perpetrators of DV have been Traumatized in no way excuses or justifies the harm that was done to the Victims and/or the Witnesses.  As each of us goes through the process of living day to day, we must hold ourselves Accountable for things we have done in our lives.

  At the same time, in order to Prevent any future Domestic Violence - related Feeling, Thinking or Doing / Behavior, we each must heal.  We each must move through the process of acknowledging the pain in our lives and move forward toward Forgiveness, Hope and Confidence.  This is the purpose of this week's lesson.  

  Ask yourself: "What is the process for someone to evolve from having committed a DV Offense; and to grow to a point to where they are able to come back whole and possibly even better than before?"

 

 

  “Man's Search for Meaning is a 1946 book by Viktor Frankl chronicling his experiences as a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps during World War II, and describing his psychotherapeutic method, which involved identifying a purpose to each person's life through one of three ways: the completion of tasks, caring for another person, or finding meaning by facing suffering with dignity.

  Frankl observed that among the fellow inmates in the concentration camp, those who survived were able to connect with a purpose in life to feel positive about, and then immersed themselves in imagining that purpose such as conversing with an (imagined) loved one. According to Frankl, the way a prisoner imagined the future affected his longevity.

  The book intends to answer the question "How was everyday life in a concentration camp reflected in the mind of the average prisoner?" Part One constitutes Frankl's analysis of his experiences in the concentration camps, while Part Two introduces his ideas of meaning and his theory called logotherapy.

According to a survey conducted by the Book-of-the-Month Club and the Library of Congress, Man's Search for Meaning belongs to a list of "the ten most influential books in the United States."[1] At the time of the author's death in 1997, the book had sold over 10 million copies and had been translated into 24 languages” (Source).

  A Few Sincere and Relatively Serious Questions to Ponder while one is in Search of Meaningful Answers on the Journey from a DV Offense, to feeling really bad and perhaps even like a Victim of the System; and then to the point of Hope and Confidence and moving forward in a positive and constructive way:

• What have the various Trauma(s) in my life been like for me?

• What has the Trauma of my DV Offense probably been like for the Victim?

• What has the Trauma of my DV Offense probably been like for the Witness(es)?

• What has the Trauma of my DV Offense probably been like for other third Parties involved such as Police, Jailers, Attorneys, Probation Officers, Treatment Providers, friends, employers and others?

• In what ways have I been in Denial related to this process?

• In what ways have I played, or actually been a Victim in this process?

• In what ways have I been Grieving during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Sorrow during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Anger during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Bargaining (or tried to change the outcome in my mind) during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Shame, the Fears and the Unknowns during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Depression during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Anxiety, Nervousness or Panic during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced a full Acceptance of the Consequences and Forgiveness of the Others Involved during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Forgiveness for My Self during this process?
• This is a place in my mind / my soul that could be a great place to make some lasting positive changes -- More Peace / Less Anger -- hopefully. It is assumed that One has to forgive his or her self in order to move on in a positive way and to successfully navigate his or her new World.

• In what ways have I experienced (given and/or received) Apology -- as in Apologizing to Others Effected; as well as Apologizing to My Self; or being Open and Able to Hear Someone Else' Apology during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Opportunity (for good or bad) during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced moving beyond my truths and my rationalizations and my excuses and reasons, toward my Acceptance of FACT(s) during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced A Sense of Helplessness during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Humility or Humbleness during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Survival and/or Survivorship during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Gratitude during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Acceptance of My Self (My Past Self, My Present Self and My Future Self) during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Accountability (Holding My Self Accountable) during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Re-Birth or Renewal or a "Do-Over" or a "Gimme" during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Confidence (in light of realizing the fact that I am Human and Humans are Imperfect) during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Hope and/or Faith that "everything will eventually work out" during this process?

NOW: Think to yourself......... Breathe deeply for a moment.......... How do you feel?

*** Click Here to Complete your From Trauma to Hope Worksheet. ***

and

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For those who are having a difficult time with this, please Click Here to read the following  Quotes about Forgiveness.

(Originally Posted 11/23/2020.)

Sources:

• (Ben Okri: "“Ben Okri OBE FRSL is a Nigerian poet and novelist. Okri is considered one of the foremost African authors in the post-modern and post-colonial traditions, and has been compared favourably to authors such as Salman Rushdie and Gabriel García Márquez. Wikipedia” (Source).
• "30 Quotes on Forgiveness" (Source).

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Empathy Recognition, Emotional Intelligence, and Their Potential Role in Forgiveness and Prevention of Domestic Violence

  Empathy can be defined as: According to Hodges and Myers in the Encyclopedia of Social Psychology, “Empathy is often defined as understanding another person's experience by imagining oneself in that other person's situation: One understands the other person's experience as if it were being experienced by the self, but without the self actually ... (Hodges & Myers, 2019).

  It's important to know that Empathy is about Understanding another person's experience.  But Empathy is NOT about Feeling Sorry for them.

  “Empathy is a broad concept that refers to the cognitive and emotional reactions of an individual to the observed experiences of another."

  (We do a lot of this by the way...  Watching TV... right?) 

  Question: 

• How might Empathy in a Relationship help us prevent DV?

  "Having empathy increases the likelihood of helping others and showing compassion."  In this way, Empathy might in fact lead to Sympathy.

  “Empathy is a building block of morality—for people to follow the Golden Rule, it helps if they can put themselves in someone else’s shoes,” according to the Greater Good Science Center, a research institute that studies the psychology, sociology, and neuroscience of well-being. 

  “It is also a key ingredient of successful relationships because it helps us understand the perspectives, needs, and intentions of others.” (Lesley.edu, 2019),

Empathy in Relationships:

  “The 3 Types Of Empathy You Need To Strengthen Your Relationships include:

• Cognitive Empathy. When you hear the phrase “try to walk a mile in the other person's shoes,” you're discussing cognitive empathy, Goleman says. ...  

• Social Empathy. Another set is the social side of empathy. ...  "  Social empathy is the ability to understand people by perceiving or experiencing their life situations and as a result gain insight into structural inequalities and disparities." (Source).  To really get down and get where that person is at right now.

• Empathic Concern.” (Huffpost, 2019).  "Refers to other-oriented emotions elicited by and congruent with the perceived welfare of someone in need.^[1][2]  These other-oriented emotions include feelings of tenderness, sympathy, compassion, soft-heartedness, and the like.  Empathic concern is often and wrongly confused with empathy. 
• To empathize is to respond to another's perceived emotional state by experiencing feeling of a similar sort. 
• Empathic concern or sympathy not only includes empathizing, but also entails having a positive regard or a non-fleeting concern for the other person.^[3]"  (Source.)

• What does it mean to you when someone else Empathizes with you?

• What does Empathy mean to you?  

• What does Empathy mean for you in your personal relationships?  

• How could Empathy -- and understanding -- or attempting Empathy help you in navigating your personal relationships?  

• How might Empathy in a Relationship help us prevent DV?

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE CAN HELP with EMPATHY DEVELOPMENT

“Emotional Intelligence (EI) is the ability to manage both your own emotions and understand the emotions of people around you. There are five key elements to EI: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills” (Source).

   Video Link for: "What is Emotional Intelligence?"

   Video Link for "Developing Emotional Intelligence"

   Video on Emotional Intelligence

  Six Key Parts of Emotional Intelligence:

1. Self Awareness

2. Self Regulation

3. Motivation

4. Empathy

5. Validation

6. Social Skills

 EVER Thought About Moving Empathy Towards Sympathy...???

  Dr. Martin Luther King was somewhat of a Genius when it came to Empathy.  He actually convinced his marchers to have empathy for those who were attacking them in order to help their attackers to have empathy (and possibly even sympathy) for his marchers and their cause.

Dr. Martin Luther King and Nonviolent Resistance

   “Nonviolence

  As a theologian, Martin Luther King reflected often on his understanding of nonviolence. He described his own “pilgrimage to nonviolence” in his first book, Stride Toward Freedom, and in subsequent books and articles. “True pacifism,” or “nonviolent resistance,” King wrote, is “a courageous confrontation of evil by the power of love” (Source). Both “morally and practically” committed to nonviolence, King believed that “the Christian doctrine of love operating through the Gandhian method of nonviolence was one of the most potent weapons available to oppressed people in their struggle for freedom” (Source).

  King was first introduced to the concept of nonviolence when he read Henry David Thoreau’s Essay on Civil Disobedience as a freshman at Morehouse College. Having grown up in Atlanta and witnessed segregation and racism every day, King was “fascinated by the idea of refusing to cooperate with an evil system” (Source).

  In 1950, as a student at Crozer Theological Seminary, King heard a talk by Dr. Mordecai Johnson, president of Howard University. Dr. Johnson, who had recently traveled to India, spoke about the life and teachings of Mohandas K. Gandhi. Gandhi, King later wrote, was the first person to transform Christian love into a powerful force for social change. Gandhi’s stress on love and nonviolence gave King “the method for social reform that I had been seeking” (Source).

  While intellectually committed to nonviolence, King did not experience the power of nonviolent direct action first-hand until the start of the Montgomery bus boycott in 1955. During the boycott, King personally enacted Gandhian principles. With guidance from black pacifist Bayard Rustin and Glenn Smiley of the Fellowship of Reconciliation, King eventually decided not to use armed bodyguards despite threats on his life, and reacted to violent experiences, such as the bombing of his home, with compassion. Through the practical experience of leading nonviolent protest, King came to understand how nonviolence could become a way of life, applicable to all situations. King called the principle of nonviolent resistance the “guiding light of our movement. Christ furnished the spirit and motivation while Gandhi furnished the method” (Source).

  King’s notion of nonviolence had six key principles.

1.   First, one can resist evil without resorting to violence.
2.   Second, nonviolence seeks to win the “friendship and understanding” of the opponent, not to humiliate him (Source).
3.  Third, evil itself, not the people committing evil acts, should be opposed.
4.  Fourth, those committed to nonviolence must be willing to suffer without retaliation as suffering itself can be redemptive.
5.  Fifth, nonviolent resistance avoids “external physical violence” and “internal violence of spirit” as well: “The nonviolent resister not only refuses to shoot his opponent but he also refuses to hate him” (Source ). The resister should be motivated by love in the sense of the Greek word agape, which means “understanding,” or “redeeming good will for all men” (Source).
6.  The sixth principle is that the nonviolent resister must have a “deep faith in the future,” stemming from the conviction that “The universe is on the side of justice” (Source).

  During the years after the bus boycott, King grew increasingly committed to nonviolence. An India trip in 1959 helped him connect more intimately with Gandhi’s legacy. King began to advocate nonviolence not just in a national sphere, but internationally as well: “the potential destructiveness of modern weapons” convinced King that “the choice today is no longer between violence and nonviolence. It is either nonviolence or nonexistence” (Source).

  After Black Power advocates such as Stokely Carmichael began to reject nonviolence, King lamented that some African Americans had lost hope, and reaffirmed his own commitment to nonviolence: “Occasionally in life one develops a conviction so precious and meaningful that he will stand on it till the end. This is what I have found in nonviolence” (Source). He wrote in his 1967 book, Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?: “We maintained the hope while transforming the hate of traditional revolutions into positive nonviolent power. As long as the hope was fulfilled there was little questioning of nonviolence. But when the hopes were blasted, when people came to see that in spite of progress their conditions were still insufferable … despair began to set in” (Source). Arguing that violent revolution was impractical in the context of a multiracial society, he concluded: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. The beauty of nonviolence is that in its own way and in its own time it seeks to break the chain reaction of evil” (Source)."

Finally, it should be noted that along these lines, Dr. King also wrote: "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. "

Wrap - Up:

  If we practice more Non-Violence; we can develop more Empathy for others and for ourselves as well; and if you can practice Emotional Intelligence, then we can also develop even more Empathy for Others and for ourselves.  And if we can have more empathy for others; we can understand them better; and then -- if we really try, we will be more likely to be able to co-exist peacefully.

  *** Please CLICK HERE to Complete Your Recognizing Empathy Worksheet. ***

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Sources: 

 (By Dr. Beverly, March 2018)

 Hodges & Myers, (Retrieved  3/26/2019, from: https://www.google.com/search?q=empathy+ definition+psychology&oq=empathy+defintion&aqs=chrome.4.69i57j0l5.7709j1j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8).

 (Lesley.edu, 2019). (Retrieved 3/26/2019, https://lesley.edu/article/the-psychology-of-emotional-and-cognitive-empathy).

 (Huffpost, 2019). (Retrieved 3/26/2019, from: https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_56f171cde4b03a640a6bcc17).

Footnotes for King Piece: 

King, “Pilgrimage to Nonviolence,” 13 April 1960, in Papers 5:419–425.

King, Stride Toward Freedom, 1958.

King, Where Do We Go from Here, 1967.”  (SOURCE).

Other King Citations in Text Above (In order of presentation): King, Stride, 80; King, Stride, 73; King, Stride, 79; Papers 5:423; King, Stride, 84; Stride, 85; King; King, Stride, 86; King, Stride, 88; Papers 5:424; King, Where, 63–64; King, Where, 45; King, Where, 62–63; Stride, 79; Papers 5:422).    

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

You Would Like To Have A Healthy Relationship, Right? Ever Seriously Consider Equality -- In-Depth?

  If you would like to have a healthy relationship, you should probably start from a point of equality -- somehow.  

  Equality may be defined as: “The state or quality of being equal; correspondence in quantity, degree, value, rank, or ability.”   

  When it comes to DV, the concept of Gender Equality may also be pertinent.  Gender Equality may be thought of in terms of: "Equal treatment of women and men in laws and policies, and equal access to resources and services within families, communities and society at large.  

  As well as in terms of Gender Equity," or "Fairness and justice in the distribution of benefits and responsibilities between women and men. Programs and policies that specifically empower women are often needed to achieve this".   

  According to conventional wisdom in Domestic Violence Prevention, healthy relationships should -- at the very least -- exist and/or operate within a context of Equality between partners.
And this sense of Equality is theoretically enabled through the following behaviors and/or attitudes (as highlighted on the Equality Wheel from the Duluth Model): 

•       Non-threatening Behaviors

•       Respect

•       Trust and Support

•       Honesty and Accountability

•       Responsible Parenting

•       Shared Responsibility

•       Economic Partnership

•       Negotiation and Fairness  (see Duluth Equality Wheel)

*** Tiffany explains the Equality Wheel.

What NOT TO DO:

  Don't use Power and Control.  When considering these aspects of the Equality Wheel, contrast them with their corresponding aspects of the Power & Control Wheel, such as:

                           Intimidation

Emotional Abuse

Isolation

Minimizing, Denying and Blaming

Using Children

Economic Abuse

Male Privilege

Coercion and Threats

Let's Take A Deeper Look at The Equality Wheel!  

  Think about it: What does Equality Look Like In A Relationship?

    (Do you we this in our relationships?)

***The Equality Wheel -- A Different Perspective***

 (It's kind of like Doing to Others as you would have them do to You.)

  These attitudes or behaviors can have many different meanings to different people.  For the purpose of this project, we will view them in the following ways: 

•       Non-threatening Behaviors:  Means talking and acting so that she/he feels safe and comfortable expressing herself and doing things.  Reassuring your partner can be really helpful.

•       Respect:  Means "Listening to her (or him) non-judgmentally.  Being emotionally affirming and understanding.  Valuing opinions.  Means being open to being wrong. It means accepting people as they are.  It means not dumping on someone because you're having a bad day.  It means being polite and kind always, because being kind to people is not negotiable.  It means not dissing people because they're different to you.  It means not gossiping about people or spreading lies.  This would include "An ability to listen respectfully to the words and ideas of your partner without offering an opinion (good or bad) about what she/he says.  An ability to allow your partner to do what she/he wants with whomever she/he chooses without trying to control it, put a stop to it, or punish for it."

•       Trust and Support:    Means "Supporting her goals in life.  Respecting her right to her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions."  Trust may also be viewed as "A firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something" (Google Dictionary).  Support is means: "To help maintain your partner by providing her/him with emotional, tangible, and/or instrumental support at times when she/he is willing to accept it.

•       Honesty and Accountability:   Means  "Accepting responsibility for self.  Acknowledging past use of violence.  Admitting being wrong.  Communicating openly and truthfully."

•       Responsible Parenting:  Means "Sharing parental responsibilities. Being a positive, nonviolent role model for the children."

•       Shared Responsibility:   Means "Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work. Making family decisions together."

•       Economic Partnership:    Means "Making money decisions together.  Making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements."

•       Negotiation and Fairness:   Means "Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict. Accepting changes. Being willing to compromise."  Fairness may be defined as: "The state, condition, or quality of being fair, or free from bias or injustice; even handedness.”  Note: A "Fair" solution is not considered complete until both (or all) parties are satisfied. 

>>> But what if I'm not already doing all of these things in my Relationship?  

 >>> But what if my partner (or Ex-) is not already doing all of these things in our Relationship?

>>> So what might be a solution for that?  Might I be strong enough of a partner to go ahead and do these things for my own satisfaction; rather than waiting for my partner to do so first?

   *** Could it be that the best way for me to get my partner to treat me as an Equal; is to Treat her or him as an Equal?  It's that easy, right?  Maby not... but  it can work; if you work it.  One day at time.  If you cannot do it today; then try again tomorrow. It might take some time and effort... and patience and a whole lot of forgiveness... But we can do it!!! Right??? ***

  So What does it look like when a couple is treating each other with the values that are proposed on the Equality Wheel?

*** Please Click Here to Complete the Worksheet for this Topic. ***

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         Please note: Several Concepts (above) were described with help from other unnamed sources.

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).