Codependency has a lot of faces.... It's not just one thing.. There are a few definitions that truly cover this concept.
What is Codependency? One way to look at it is that: “Codependency is a circular relationship in which one person needs the other person, who in turn, needs to be needed. The codependent person, known as 'the giver,' feels worthless unless they are needed by — and making sacrifices for — the enabler, otherwise known as 'the taker.'"(Source: Very Well Mind).
Codependency is what happens when we perceive our sense of wellbeing to be tied to someone else's happiness. Like, we are NOT okay, unless they are happy.
So we (as individuals) could be perfectly happy and doing well; but if our partner (or someone else with whom we are codependent) seems to be unhappy or seems to be otherwise in trouble; then we sometimes feel a need to address it quickly, even if it costs us tremendously.
According to Melodi Beatty (Author of the fantastic Book, "Codependent No More"), Codependency can be described as when we make someone else's problem into our problem. She asks: "Is someone else's problem your problem? If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to someone else's, you may be codependent."
- Another author wrote: "Many people have heard of codependency and understand that it can be harmful in a relationships. But, what does being codependent mean? Some people interpret codependency as an extreme dependence on someone else, a strong need for the companionship of another.
Although this might be part of it, this is not the entire definition of codependency. "Codependency is a mental and emotional problem that affects the way people interact and connect with others in an interpersonal relationship. It creates problems in relationships as it causes people to become uncomfortable with themselves. Many codependent people have low self-esteem and struggle to think well of themselves. As a result, they often enter into destructive relationships that are abusive or otherwise unfulfilling" (Source.)
It's not uncommon for a person with Codependency to get involved with another person who has a whole lot of serious needs (i.e., Addiction, Mental Illness, Physical Illness, or even Personality Issues, etc..).
Codependency would be wonderful if it was just humans caring for other humans and showing compassion. But that is not what it is. Why? Because there's a catch... what if in expressing my need to have someone else be okay, I am actually trying to control them? Trying to control what they do? Trying to control who they like and spend their time with. And trying to control where they go as well...?
All this , just so that I would be OKAY??? Why does me being OKAY depend so much on someone else? What kind of relationship is that? Looks like two people being dependent on each other.
But at what point does it become unhealthy?
When it gets out of control. Or when it escalates to a point where we are both truly dependent on each other for things that we should be providing for our selves (i.e., Proving we are trustworthy, proving we are good people or proving that we deserve to be loved.).
What happens when we are too Codependent?
"What Does Being Codependent Mean?
Many people have heard of codependency and understand that it can be harmful in a relationship. But, what does being codependent really mean? Some people interpret codependency as an extreme dependence on someone else, a strong need for the companionship of another person. Although this might be part of it, this is not the entire definition of codependency.
Codependency is a mental and emotional problem that affects the way people interact and connect with others in an interpersonal relationship. It creates problems in relationships as it causes people to become uncomfortable with themselves. Many codependent people have low self-esteem and struggle to think well of themselves. As a result, they often enter inter destructive relationships that are abusive or otherwise unfulfilling.
To be codependent is to rely heavily on someone else. Often, people who are in a codependent relationships rely on a partner who actually has an addiction problem. Codependent individuals often have excessive emotional or psychological dependence on their significant other making for a relationship dynamic that is toxic and unfulfilling." (Parts of this passage were edited for clarity) (Source)."
Potentially Harmful Patterns in Codependent Relationships:
Some believe that in Codependent Relationships and/or Relationships involving one or more people who have some Codependency or Codependent Traits; one might experiences at least one of the following Codependent Patterns:
- Denial Patterns -- Like denying how we truly feel sometimes.
- Low Self-Esteem Patterns -- Like being highly critical of ourselves or denying our own self-worth.
- Compliance Patterns -- Like People-Pleasers just getting along to go along.
- Control Patterns -- Such as somehow NEEDING others to be like us or to follow our advice and getting angry when they don't. And...
- Avoidance Patterns -- Like doing anything to avoid Rejection or Anger.
Is codependency a bad thing? It can be...
But Not necessarily in all cases...
Perhaps Codependency is not necessarily inherently a bad thing... But what happens when our needs are no longer being met?
Perhaps what happens then is that damage can be done... like damage to a relationship -- or even emotional damage to ourselves -- or damage to other people. Perhaps?
It's like thinking that OUR Needs do not need to be satisfied. Besides, sometimes we are just too busy meeting their needs, right? But then that cannot go on but for some it can go on and on and on.... until they break.
One author wrote: "Codependency is so damaging because it doesn't allow healthy relationships to flourish. In order for people to truly give of themselves, their needs must be met as well, which means breaking codependent behaviors." (Source.)
What about Codependency and Boundaries --
Again, Codependency might be wonderful if it is just about being caring and giving -- or receiving.
However, people with Codependency often give with strings attaches... (LIke they give you a gift; but then they expect something in return).
Such as strings like... "Now, I'm going to write you a check for $15,000 to pay for your Treatment.
So you just go there, get better, and come back soon so that we can both feel better.
(But then what happens, after the person goes, spends the money, gets the treatment, then drops out half-way through....and Relapses worse than ever...???)
BOOM!!! What a disappointment for everybody! The addict is ashamed. And Codependent is pissed off.
It's like, we often hear people in aggrieved relationships talking about time in the Relationship as though it were an investment... Like I want something for my investment -- don't you?
However, this is sometimes a sign of Codependency...
It is? How so? Well, is not a Relationship really mostly just time that we spent together? Things that we did together? Moments that we shared?
I mean... It's not like a Mutual Fund -- or a Savings Account ... now is it?
So think about it:
If my partner is so busy paying attention to my problems; yet neglecting their own challenges'; then where is that going to lead to?
In other words, we should probably ONLY give of ourselves in great amounts in situations where our Giving is an Expression of our Love.
Meaning, it is perfectly okay if we don't get anything in return. Because our Joy, truly is an act of Giving.
So how do we know when Codependency Becomes a Serious Issue? This is when You say to yourself: "OMGosh!!! -- Their problem is so bad that it is driving me crazy!!!
So, I have a solution: I will change them instead of changing me." (This is when Codependency is really bad..... So we try to change them.. and that possibly leads to more disappointment, and even "Co-ing Out!" (Being addicted to Codependency).
(Does this ever really work? Does an Unhealthy Codependency ever really work out? Probably not.)
“9 Warning Signs of a Codependent Relationship
1. People Pleasing -- You will betray your own values in order to satisfy the whims or another person.
2. Lack of Boundaries -- Like you are dependent on someone else in some of the most intimate or material or professional ways -- instead of taking care of yourself.
3. Poor Self-Esteem -- Like when they are upset, you believe it has to be because you are not good enough for them and that it has to be something you did wrong.
4. Caretaking -- Like when you give to someone who is in need; but then you expect something in return (unlike when someone is truly Care-GIVING).
5. Reactivity -- Like when they feel bad; I feel bad... and When they feel good; I feel good.
6. Poor Communication -- I just don't hear things that I don't want to hear. Like when she said, She will probably always go back to her husband; even though she knows that I love her more.
7. Lack of Self-Image -- Like when I cannot see myself until you tell me what should I see.
8. Dependency -- Like when I cannot make decisions for myself unless you tell me which option is the right one for me.
9. Relationship Stress -- Like when a Relationship becomes fatigued because both people are so busy using up each other's energy; that there is nothing left.
(Please see: Warning Signs of Codependency.)
In Short; Try to Look At It This Way:
Perhaps people with Codependency sometimes find themselves;
Care-Taking; when they really think they are Care-Giving.
Think about it, isn't Care-Giving the act of giving Care without Strings attached?
Whereas, Care-Taking… can frequently be something completely different.
What a difference a word makes!
And It’s OKAY to be in it for yourself – either in Part or
as a Whole… Just be honest about it.
But it’s often NOT Okay to do so; yet to also be unwilling to admit it.
Not admitting that we truly want something in exchange for our time and efforts could be both a sign of denial and a sign of Codependency.
Besides, it often pops up in the worst situations. Codependency is often based in such passive-like and even manipulative behaviors that it is rarely ever pleasant or funny to those who are effected by it.
So what does Codependency Do To Relationships:
Does it make them better?
Does it bring harm them?
Does it make them worse?
Does it make them more Toxic?
And in some cases.... perhaps it even does all of these things?
SO How Could CODEPENDENCY LEAD To Domestic Violence???
Think about it!
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Brief Codependency Assessment. ***
