Happy New Year!

 

The Holidays can be a Great Time to Move Forward: Planning for a Nourishing and SAFE Holiday

   This is a time of year when many Americans and others celebrate Winter Solstice, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Boxing Day.  And others who celebrate Christmas might say "Merry Christmas" in different ways, such as the Navajo saying: “Yá'át'ééh Késhmish” Merry Christmas in the Navajo Language."  Or others say, "Nittak Hullo Chito Na Yukpa (Merry Christmas) from. Chief Batton and the Choctaw Nation!"  And Latinos say, "Feliz Navidad!"

  Personally, I focus mainly on Christmas because this is a tradition that I understand more than I do others. 

  I know from my personal experience that along with Giving, Sharing, Blessing, Gratefulness, and the Joy and Celebration of Christmas, Forgiveness can also be a true Blessing of Christmas.  The Holidays can also be a time of huge Stress, Unpleasant Surprises and Disappointment.  All of these (the good and the bad) can cause STRESS.  And STRESS often leaves us open to negative thinking and problematic behaviors.

  On the other hand: for many, the Holidays bring mixed emotions.  With Holidays often comes feelings like Joy, happiness... and yes.. homecomings and forgiveness.

  ""We know based on research that violence and abuse rates go up in times of tension and stress and holidays happen to be a lot of financial stress," said Lizzy Kennedy, Communication Outreach Coordinator at Shelterhouse in Midland."

  "Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. ... Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses" (Source).

  I would guess that most of us have something or someone to forgive.  Likewise, we each have probably also been wronged in one way or another at some point(s) in our lives.  Furthermore, we each have probably also done someone else wrong in our lives.  It is sad to think of all the energy that gets tied up in resentment for the wrongs that have been done to people over the ages.  

  It's like, if we could all just take a break from the anger and the resentment for a while; perhaps some of the violence would also cease.

  Unfortunately Domestic Violence does not take a Holiday.  And some even say that it gets worse during the Holidays.  

  For example: One person recently posted on the Internet in an article titled, "Domestic Violence and the Holidays: What You Should Know":

  "On the night before Thanksgiving 2020, 9-1-1 dispatchers in Albuquerque got a call regarding an unresponsive woman. When the ambulance arrived, Nicole was pronounced dead at the scene, with suspicious marks on her neck and face that denoted beating and strangulation. Her boyfriend, Francisco, who had made the call to 9-1-1, was arrested for murder and tampering with evidence.

  Unfortunately, this true story is all too common, especially in Albuquerque. Women often experience domestic abuse or violence on or around major holidays, including Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, and even Super Bowl Sunday. Many victims are unable to escape, in spite of the holidays being a time of family reunions, warm conversations, and generosity.

  According to statistics, domestic abuse increases over the holidays, for a number of possible reasons:

•   Stress from holiday shopping, finances, and planning can aggravate volatile personalities.
•   Abusers are more likely to partake of alcohol or drugs when they don’t have to work.  And when people drink too much alcohol this can often lead to violence.
•   Simple opportunity: Abusers are more likely to be home alone with their victims than at other times of the year" (Source).

  Hence it almost goes without saying that people should be extra careful during the Holidays to have a Happy and Safe Holiday -- and that goes for potential abusers and potential victims of Domestic Violence as well.  

So What About The Holidays and Forgiveness: A Potentially Overlooked Blessing of Christmas?

  Forgiveness is a Virtue that is frequently offered and given in Christianity. 

  And also, the Eighth Night of Hanukkah is about Forgiveness for some people.  “Forgiveness is important in Judaism and is a duty, or a mitzvah that Jews should try their best to obey. Teachings on forgiveness can (also) be found in the Torah” (Source).

  Additionally, as a Christian, Dr. Martin Luther King expressed how he believed in Forgiveness.  

– “Despite Doctor King’s several arrests and detention, he drew strength from the power of love, forgiveness and non-violence.  He said: “Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act.”  It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship.  He further said that forgiveness is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning, and we are free from the mental block that impedes new relationships.  Forgiveness means reconciliation, a coming together again. Without this, no man (or woman) can love his (or her) enemies.  The degree to which we are able to forgive determines the degree to which we are able to love our enemies."

"These prophetic expressions of Doctor King's still reverberate as inspiration to oppressed people all over the world” (Source).

  Also, in a post on "Practicing Forgiveness", another author shared that this time of year provides an excellent opportunity for Forgiveness.  They write: “Forgive them – not for them, but for you” (Source).  In other words, give yourself the gift of Forgiveness, by forgiving either your self or someone else this Holiday Season.

  This idea seems also to fit with the notions about forgiveness that Dr. King shared, because it is believed by Christians that Jesus taught about how loving your enemies can be good for you.  And how Forgiveness can help bring about a Renewal of sorts.  

  Christmas and these other holidays can be about renewal as well.  However, many people in other traditions also believe that "renewal" requires a letting go of the past -- just for a little while, if not forever.  

  These Holidays (and others) can be about letting go of the pain from the past.  It's about recognizing the need to move on.  It's also about realizing that you have the power to choose to move beyond the negative, and possibly into the positive.  It's about not letting the ugliness of things that happened before to color your day today.  It's about overcoming that fear of moving forward.  And it's about living for today.  And finally, it's about recognizing that being here now; is a blessing in and of itself.  And its also about finding a sense of gratitude for your blessings -- no matter how small or seemingly insignificant they are.

  As one author wrote, and as is believed by many: "Christmas means Hope, Love and Peace" (Source).  

  Therefore, this part of the Christmas / Hanukkah / Kwanzaa Spirit can be about Love, Hope, Peace, and all that those things bring, such as Celebration, Gratitude, Forgiveness, Looking Forward, and Moving Forward as well.  

  However, this is not about any particular Religion.  This about letting go and moving forward for your own piece of mind.

  A lot of people think that in order to Forgive, one has to contact someone else; or that one has to do something or spend money or go out of their way....  But Forgiveness does not require any of that.  Remember Forgiveness does not require anything other than a willingness to let go of certain awful feelings about something or someone that negatively effected you in the past.  Forgiveness is Free and it also doesn't require that you actually do anything physical or social.  All you need do is look inside your heart and if you look deep enough, you will probably find it there.

  Forgiveness doesn't mean that bad things did not happen in your past.  It means that you are no longer willing to let those horrible feelings hold you back.  It's not always easy.  But its doable.  And in many ways, believe me....  it can be worth it.

  It's about recognizing that even if you don't have the emotional or financial resources to make Christmas what some think it should be; it is important to recognize that Celebrating, Gratitude, Forgiveness, Looking Forward, Creativity and Moving Forward are each available to us -- all of us, FREE OF CHARGE!  And that such thoughts and feelings can bring about wonderful gifts.

Discussion Questions:

• What does this time of year mean to me?

• What do I celebrate at this time of year?

• What or who are some things or people that I am most Grateful for at this time?

• What/Who are some people or things that I feel I can Forgive at this time?

• What things / thoughts / behaviors do I feel that I can Put Behind me at this time?

• In What ways do I feel that I am Looking Forward at this time?

Why a Safety Plan?

   Safety planning is relevant because the Holidays are here, stress is bound to increase (Distress as well as Eustress).  It is important that each of us has an idea of things I can do and people I can reach out to and resources I can use if needed -- just in case I start to get  stressed out during this time.  Hence, I ask myself the following questions:

• The Safety Plan begins with a commitment to do the Right Thing as needed.  Am I committed?

• Are there people I might see or think about during the Holidays that might present certain challenges for me?

• What will I do if I find myself around or with anyone who is totally negative, or who is using or abusing drugs or alcohol this Holiday Season?

• If I feel down or lonely or as if I might act out, or if I want or need someone to talk to, or if I feel like I am vulnerable to taking a drink or using drugs, I will contact the following supports?

• If I become tempted in any way to use abuse, violence, or substances during this Holiday Season, I will instead do the following?

              *** Please CLICK HERE to Complete 

                      your Holiday Safety Plan! ***

(Originally Posted: 12/21/2020)

Sources: 

https://womenagainstcrime.com/domestic-violence-and-the-holidays-what-you-should-know/

https://discoverlivingalive.com/practice-forgiveness/

https://onbeing.org/blog/postcards-for-hanukkah-the-eighth-night-forgiveness/

https://blogs.shu.edu/diplomacyresearch/2013/12/31/martin-luther-king-jr/#:~:text=MLK%20said%3A%20%E2%80%9CForgiveness%20does%20not,a%20barrier%20to%20the%20relationship.&text=%5B11%5DForgiveness%20means%20reconciliation%2C,man%20can%20love%20his%20enemies.

Try Gratitude For Prevention of Domestic Violence

Think about it:

  It is probably impossible for a partner to be BOTH Violent and Grateful at the same time.

Agreed?  

  A wise Teacher drawing inspiration from the story of Joseph in the Old Testament once said: 

"While Gratitude is the Mother of 

Goodness and happiness;

InGratitude is the Mother of 

Meanness and Misery"   (Dennis Prager).

  Therefore, it stands to reason that If I am UnGrateful, my heart, mind, thoughts, attitudes and behaviors are quite possibly going to be filled with Meanness and Misery;

  Whereas, If I am Grateful, it is quite possible that my heart, mind, thoughts, attitudes and behaviors are going to be filled with Goodness and happiness.

  Hence, which person is More likely to be abusive?  

The one filled with Meanness and Misery;

 or the one filled with Goodness and happiness? 

 The one filled with Meanness and Misery. 

 Right?

  And finally  which person is More likely to be a healthier, patient, loving, responsible and non-abusive partner?  

The one filled with Meanness and Misery; 

 or the one filled with Goodness and happiness?

 The one filled with Goodness and happiness. 

 Right!

  Therefore, it seems logical to assume that a partner with a heart filled with Gratitude,  Goodness and happiness is going to be a much healthier and less abusive partner than a partner with a heart filled with Ingratitude, Meanness and Misery.

  So then I ask myself: What would it look like -- or better still, What would I be like if my Heart was filled with Gratitude, Goodness and Happiness?

  I think I will try to be More Grateful and I will see...

Critically Creative: What's Actually Going On?

What do you really see here?

Many of us have a hard time separating what we actually see in a given situation; from What we want to see.

We are Creative Beings by Nature. That's what makes us exciting to one another.

But are we always able to Think Critically when we truly need to?

So think about it -- have you ever been convinced that you saw something in a relationship that turned out NOT to be there?

For example, have you ever thought she or he was cheating on you; only to later find that they were very loyal....  Or even the other way around.

What is it that often keeps the smartest among us from seeing what really is?

Could it be that the problem is that we spend way too much time thinking we are looking at what we want it to be instead?

We fool ourselves.

Then worst of all; we end up blaming the other person for our own rose-colited glasses.

Then We fool ourselves again.

"The Courage to Change the Things I Can" in order to Prevent Domestic Violence from Happening in my life... I am going to....

  Assumption: If I am here today because I got a Charge related to Domestic Violence; and/or because I have some sort a glitch that if adjusted properly, I could probably be a lot less likely to have Domestic Violence in my life; then it would probably a great time to consider some sort of change in my life -- A change in the way I handle things such that I don't end up in a similar situation again.  

  Actress Comedian Carol Burnett once said, "Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me."

  A good question to ponder; Am I up for some kind of a change?

Speaking of Change:

  Serenity is often thought to be a combination of accepting the things that I cannot change,  I would like to be able to have the serenity to do this... 

     ---- having the Courage to change the things that I can change, 

     ---- and having the Wisdom to know the difference between things I can change and things I cannot change. 

  Rhetorical Question: Which among these is the most important then -- Serenity, Courage, or Wisdom?

Or do we truly need all three of them?  They kind of work together to form one, though right?  We need all three.

  Now, think about a given relationship with potential for Domestic Violence; If having had DV is a Risk Factor, Can I change that Risk Factor?  Or is it permanent?  (One can probably change whether or not the potential is still present.  Or perhaps another way to look at it, is that one can probably change how high one's Risk is for DV in the future.  For example, if alcohol is one's major Risk Factor, then one could change his or her potential for DV by Drinking or Not Drinking Alcohol.)

  What about a given relationship could I possibly change?  Probably almost anything as long as both people want to make a change.  However, if only one person needs to make the change, then it might only take one of the partners to make the changes.  But generally speaking, both partners need to be involved in the change.  And in fact, usually both partners need to make some changes on their own.

  So what does it take to make these changes?   

• A Curiosity about what needs to be changed.  
• (Being willing to ask the question)
• A Desire to make the change.
• Support to help one work through the change. 
• The Knowledge and Skills needed to get through the change.
• The Right Tools for the Change (i.e., Help from others, Patience, Stamina, and perhaps even Courage...).

  In fact, Courage could be the main ingredient needed to make the right change.  But what makes Courage.  What is Courage Made of: 

  Well, Audre Lorde was known to have said, "When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid" (From Inspiring Quotes by Women). 

  Sounds like Change takes Courage, Wisdom and Commitment.

  So what does Courage really have to do with it? 

• Courage makes it easier to get through the good and the bad.
• Courage helps one know when you need help.
• Courage helps ask for help.
• Courage helps one honestly consider and even accept some of the critical ideas of others.
• It takes Courage to really listen to yourself.
• The Serenity and the COURAGE to Accept things things I cannot Change.
• The Wisdom and the COURAGE to Know the Difference between the things I can Change and the things I cannot change.
• The Courage to Change the things that I can Change.  
• The Courage to make the necessary and desired changes that will help one move forward; rather than backwards.

  

Things that one might have the Courage to change might include?

• Quitting Alcohol or Drugs.
• How one handles their Anger.
• One's Attitude.
• One's Peer Group.
• How one Thinks about certain things.
• How one Reacts to certain things.
• How one Feels about certain things.
• One's level of Accountability.
• The degree to which one tries to blame others for their own problems and their own regrettable decisions and behaviors.
• One's Behavior.  The Courage to change how I act.
• What one does or does not do.

So Think about it: What might each type of Courage below look like as one considers making the Changes that one could make in order to Prevent any DV thinking, Feeling or Behavior in the future?

• Physical Courage   -- ???
• Social Courage -- ???
• Moral Courage  -- ???
• Emotional Courage  -- ???
• Intellectual Courage  -- ???
• Spiritual Courage  -- ???

Serenity as a Powerful Tool forPrevention of Domestic Violence

  Perhaps one of the most Effective and.  Efficient Tools for Prevention of Domestic Violence is being able to readily figure out the difference between things about my partner that I can change and/or control; and things about my partner that I cannot change and/or control.

 This proposition applies not only to ourselves, relationships, and other people; but also to the World around us.

  For example, take a look at this photograph above; and tell me what parts of the photo that one could change; and one things in the photo one probably could not change.

Positive Psychology and Prevention of Domestic Violence: Knowing our Social, Emotional, Behavioral and Personality Strengths That Might Help Us Have Healthier Relationships

  Like an old Actor or Actress, you picture yourself after a make-believe Domestic Violence Situation; where you were the one who got arrested.  And then, all that comes with it starts raining down like a mountain of rocks....  But This is a Real-Life situation. -- I mean...   A    S I T U A T I O N !!!  It is Shocking !!! ...  Who knows what really happened; but we know that somehow, what was a beautiful turn of events that had been the wonderful relationship that you once had with your partner; has now evolved (or even devolved) into a Serious MESS !!!

  What are you gonna do now?  -- 

Like Right Now -- What would you do???

  

  Picture Your Self Now -- moving forward: You are at a Railroad Crossing ready to go; but which way are you gonna choose this time?  

  Obviously, you only have two safe choices: Your best choice would either be to turn around and go back from whence you came; or you could try to just stop right here for a moment and start thinking about what happened that got you into this mess in the first place.

  Like anyone else, you're getting tired of waiting for trains to go by.  But you can't move forward safely right now.  So you have to sit there and think...  right... just think..

  This would be an excellent time to choose the right move -- no doubt.  Nobody wants to make the wrong move -- twice?  

  And only you can say which is right and which is wrong for you right now.

  So how do we know which of the two to choose?  Perhaps some thinking is in order...?

Think about this: How Did I Get Into This Mess In The First Place?

  Regardless of our feelings of innocence or guilt about our DV Offenses; we can admit that there were some things about Our Social Interactions, or Our Emotions, or Our Behaviors, or Our Personalities, or even Our Strengths that somehow contributed to our DV Offense.  

  Surely, we all know that some combination of all these qualities is there with us every day -- 24/7 -- for better or for worse.

  So for a moment, let's imagine that our Strengths as a: “family of positive characteristics … each of which exists in degrees” (Park & Peterson, 2009, p. 3) are laying out before us... just waiting for us to pick them up and put them on and then use them to the best of our ability.  Our Strengths. 

  And so we probably should remember that it's a no-brainer that some combination of Our Social Interactions, Emotions, Behaviors, Personalities and even Our Strengths helped shape our Perceptions, Feelings, Thinking, and Our Behaviors that in some form or another combined with the rest of the elements on that day to make Our DV Offenses possible. 

  So perhaps we didn't intend for things to turn out that way.  But regardless of our intent; we each ended up with a DV-Related Charge and all the unfortunate and even painful baggage that comes with it.  

  But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

  Today's Lesson is about getting to know ourselves better so as to Prevent DV from ever happening again in our lives.  And we will be doing this from a Strengths Perspective.  “The Strengths Perspective is an approach to social work that puts the strengths and resources of people, communities, and their environments, -- rather than their problems and pathologies, -- at the center of the helping process” (Source.).  Now that could be good, right?

So What Gives???  How Does All This Come Together?

  Theoretically, we are each informed by Our Previous Behaviors, Our Memories, Our Wants and Our Needs, Our Perceptions, Our Feelings, Our Thinking, the Reactions of Others, as well as our assessments of our most Recent Behaviors.  It is also important to admit that unfortunately, some of our Strengths also overpower us at times in the wrong way sometimes...  even to a point where we make choices that are not good for us, or for anyone else.  So this is about honing our Strengths and learning how to use them for "The GOOD".

  Hence, it might be smart to start building on our Strengths so that we can prevent this in the future.  But first, we need to figure out exactly what our Strengths are.  We also need to really focus today on our Relationship-Building Strengths.  And then we can Learn how to Use Them to Make Our Relationships Better.

  Below is a list of possible Relationship-Building Strengths that could probably help most people to have much more enjoyable Relationships.  

  What does it mean to be someone who displays and/or Exemplifies one of the Relationship-Building Strengths as listed below.  Well think about it for a minute.  It could mean that we are more successful at building healthier relationships in the future.  Would that be a good thing for you?  Probably...

  So what are these theoretically-proposed Relationship-Building Strengths???  -- 

  And which ones speak to you the loudest?

• Altruistic (Giving without expecting something in return):  Or do I keep score in a Relationship?  Am I able to give without expecting something in return?  How might this help a relationship?
• 
  
• Brilliance: How might a combination of being creative, smart, witty, and energetic help my relationships?  Can I be this way?  Can I begin to recognize and develop my own Brilliance?
• 
  
• Caring: Am I consistently caring about my partner and showing compassion for this person and for our Relationship --  and caring about myself too?
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• Committed and Reliable: How might showing commitment or being reliable help this Relationship?  Am I being Reliable?  Am I truly Committed to this Relationship?  How do I feel when someone who I love is committed to a relationship with me?  Do I take that for granted?
• 
  
• A Communicator: Do I communicate clearly and in a meaningful way with my partner?  How well do I listen to my partner?  Have I accepted that listening is probably the most important part of communication?  Do I have Empathy for my partner?
• 
  
• Courageous or Brave: Does my partner know that I will stand up for what I feel is right and that I am Courageous enough to do it the correct way?
• 
  
• A Critical Thinker (Am I able to think clearly with or without my emotions?): Can I think beyond my Biases in order to get to the FACTS -- before I think I know something?
• 
  
• Diligent: Am I conscientious in the ways that I interact with my Partner in this Relationship?  Do I do my best?  And Does my partner see that?  Do I care about the impact of things that I am doing with my Partner?
• 
  
• Easy Going: Can I go about the time in this Relationship without sweating the small stuff?  Do I practice relaxation exercises?  Am I able to not let my own Anxiety become my partner's problem?
• 
  
• Committed to Equality: Do I view my partner as being a person of equal worth and equal value?  Am I committed to manifesting a sense of Equality and/or Equity in our Relationship?
• 
  
• Fair / Fairness: Am I able to make decisions with my partner, while being willing to hold off until we find solutions that suit both of us?  
• 
  
• Faithful: Am I Faithful to my partner?  Can I withstand temptation?  
• 
  
• Flexible: Am I Flexible with my Partner and Flexible within this Relationship as well.  Am I able to bend with the Wind like a blade of grass; instead of breaking like a tree in a windstorm?  
• 
  
• Forgiving: Can I Forgive on an ongoing basis?  Am I willing to NOT have any Regrets that I could otherwise blame on my Partner?  Can I just let it go?  Can I truly forget the wrongs done to me?  (Now that's a hard one!)
• 
  
• Grateful / Thankful: Do I truly feel and show my appreciation, and my gratitude, and my thankfulness for the blessings, challenges, and gifts that each day brings with my partner?  
• 
  
• Honorable: Do I carry myself with Honor?  And do I consistently hold my Partner in the light of Honor?  Do I treat my Partner with reverence, respect, and trust?  Or am I always trying to catch my Partner in a lie or something?  
• 
  
• Humble / Humility: Do I present myself as a Humble spirit?  Especially regarding our Relationship?  Or do I delude myself into thinking that I am ALWAYS Right?  And / Or do I truly think that I am always in total control of my partner as well as this relationship and the World around it?
• 
  
• Independent: Am I willing and able to function with or without my partner for a day, or a or a week, a month, or even a year........  and still be in Love?  
• 
  
• Understands and Values Intimacy: Do I understand and practice Emotional Intimacy on a regular basis with my partner?  Do I consistently treat my partner with Trust, Respect, Humility, Altruism, Spontaneity, and Equality etc... ?  Can I be a part of such closeness?  (Note: Sexual Intimacy is a whole different thing...)
• 
  
• Jovial / Good Sense of Humor: Am I am able to laugh at something funny  -- even if it's the 15th time I have heard it?  Or myself -- Can I laugh at myself?  Can I just laugh?  Also, can I admit when I make a mistake?  And can I laugh off a costly blunder that I might otherwise blame on my partner?  Can I let my partner mess up and not blame her or him for it?
• 
  
• Kind / Kindness: Do I give in terms of both physical and social graces?  Am I a kind person?  Do I allow my partner to mess up without making her or him feel worse about it?  Can I offer my Partner a strong shoulder of Grace to cry on?  Can I be humble with my partner 100% of the time -- even when I think I know better?
• 
  
• Expresses Love: Do I understand what Love is?  And am I willing to, and capable of Accepting my partner for who she/he is right now, and as the times rolls forward?  Can I tell my partner that I love her or him, even when I am furious?
• 
  
• Mature: Can I step up to the plate when necessary, and act like an adult?  Am I committed to operating above the Drama?  Can I look the other way when it's appropriate?  Or do I have to win every time?
• 
  
• Mindful, Paying Attention: Am I willing and able to be in the moment with my Partner on a regular basis?  Can we connect on that level?  Do I Pay Attention to My Partner?
• 
  
• Nice: Can I carry myself with Grace -- meaning ongoing forgiveness, humility and charity for my Partner.  And can I smile with Faith -- even when I feel like crap?
• 
  
• Open to Change, Forward Thinking, Constantly Moving Forward: Am I willing to continue to grow; or have I stopped growing already?   Am I able to grow along with my partner; rather than competing against my partner?  Can I even admit that I still have some growing to do?  Or am I deluded into thinking that I am all GROW-ed Up already?
• 
  
• Patient: Am I able to have Patience with my partner?  Am I capable of waiting for the right moment?  Am I committed to never judging My Partner or My Self too quickly?
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• Peaceful: Am I committed and able to settle differences without any sort of violence?  Am I committed to learning how to appreciate, value and even treasure our differences?
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• Prudent / Wise: Do I tend to make the right decisions at the right time when it comes to our relationship?  Can I hold my tongue until I have a better response than what I had before?
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• Respectful: Am I committed to consistently treating my partner the way she or he would like to be treated?  Am I always able to show Respect to my partner; no matter how angry I am or how insecure I feel?
• 
  
• Responsible: Can I hold myself Responsible to the point where my partner never has to hold me responsible? - No blame, and No shame or guilt either.  But am I willing to own my own blemishes as well as my own beauty marks?  Do I admit that I messed up, when I messed up?  And do I gracefully look the other way when my partner messes up?
• 
  
• Sincere: Am I typically willing and able to express exactly what I feel and think to my partner?  Am I able to hear what my partner is communicating to me on the deeper levels (as well as the meta-messages.  (Note: Meta-messages are: "inner messages that could be inferred or implied from a message” (Source.))).
  
• 
  
• Supportive: Am I there for my partner when ever she or he needs me?  Will I stand at my partner's side with love and admirability even at times that I do not agree with what she or he is thinking, saying or doing?
• 
  
• Thoughtful: Do I think about what my partner and I need or want on a regular basis?  Am I able to think outside of the box of my past to a newer and broader and deeper level of thoughts regarding our relationship that make it to where the previous relationships cannot compare?
• 
  
• Timely / Punctual: Am I willing and able to wait for the right time to do things or say things that I need to say to my Partner?  Can I be right on time for my partner, almost every time -- even if I'm late?
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• Virtuous / Lives by his or her Values: Do I understand the Principles and Values that I live by to the point where I can act with Virtue on a regular basis; particularly when it comes to this relationship?  Does my partner know who I really am?
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• Willing to Learn: Do I think I already know it all?  Or am I willing to keep Learning -- especially when it comes to my partner?  Could we both become Lifelong Learners Together?
• 
  
• Young at Heart: Am I willing and able to try and think and feel like a child at times with or without my partner?  Or must I always insist on being the adult in the room?  Do we play enough?

  Surely, there are more strengths available for us to identify, develop and use over time.  But for now, how could each of these Relationship Strengths (i.e., these Social strengths, Emotional strengths, Behavioral strengths and Personality strengths (Above)) help us to better navigate our relationships?  Think about it?  

           Our Strengths Can Be Like Our Tools For Life

  I am thinking that the more of these tools (above) that I can learn how to use effectively; the more satisfying my Relationships are gonna be.  And even if I only learn how to do 1 or 2 of those Strengths above; my Relationships will quite possibly improve to some degree.

Retrospective Strengths-Based Summary:

  How did each of the following -- including Our Perceptions, Feelings,  Thinking, Experiences and Previous Behaviors help shape Our Social Interactions, Emotions, Recent Behaviors, Personalities, or even Our Strengths to help contribute to Our DV Offenses?

  The idea here is about getting to know ourselves a little better.  It's about making good changes to the way we do things. Then we can possibly begin to allow Our Social Interactions, Emotions, Personalities, even Our Strengths, Our Feelings, Our Thinking, and Our Behaviors to be informed more so by, and driven by, and even colored by more of our Positive Social, Emotional, Behavioral and Personality Strengths.  This could possibly lead to healthier relationships.  Right?

  But first, we have to accept that all that negative stuff just doesn't work and it leads to the poor choices that helped get us into this mess in the first place.  So we have to let go of all that Hurt, Pain, Blame, Shame, Guilt, Resentment and HATE -- Let go of all that negative stuff....  

  And then we need to start focusing on our Strengths -- Our Positive Strengths.  Our Positive Relationship Strengths.

  And so remember, the idea here is not as much about what we are lacking; It is more about our strengths.  It's more about what we have, but maybe do not use enough of.   

  And so remember, our strengths are things that we each have, and we each can improve upon them..... together; or separately if we want to.

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Music:  "I love to Laugh" (Mary Poppins)

A Note About Positive Psychology:

“Positive psychology has been described in many ways and with many words, but the commonly accepted definition of the field is this:

“Positive psychology is the scientific study of what makes life most worth living” (Peterson, 2008).”

“To push this brief description a bit further, positive psychology is a scientific approach to studying human thoughts, feelings, and behavior, with a focus on strengths instead of weaknesses, building the good in life instead of repairing the bad, and taking the lives of average people up to “great” instead of focusing solely on moving those who are struggling up to “normal” (Peterson, 2008).

What Positive Psychology Focuses on in a Nutshell:

Positive psychology focuses on the positive events and influences in life, including:

1.    Positive experiences (like happiness, joy, inspiration, and love).

2.    Positive states and traits (like gratitude, resilience, and compassion).

3.    Positive institutions (applying positive principles within entire organizations and institutions).

As a field, positive psychology spends much of its time thinking about topics like character strengths, optimism, life satisfaction, happiness, wellbeing, gratitude, compassion (as well as self-compassion), self-esteem and self-confidence, hope, and elevation.

These topics are studied in order to learn how to help people flourish and live their best lives” (Ackerman, Courtney, 2020: https://positivepsychology.com/what-is-positive-psychology-definition/).

Sources:

https://www.oxfordhandbooks.com/view/10.1093/oxfordhb/9780199935291.001.0001/oxfordhb-9780199935291-e-77#:~:text=Researchers%20have%20defined%20character%20strengths,3).

https://socwel.ku.edu/strengths-perspective#:~:text=The%20Strengths%20Perspective%20is%20an,center%20of%20the%20helping%20process.

https://positivepsychology.com/what-is-positive-psychology-definition/

(Originally Published March 29, 2021, c. William T. Beverly.)

Codependency, Relationships and Domestic Violence

Codependency has a lot of faces.... It's not just one thing.. There are a few definitions that truly cover this concept. 

 What is Codependency?

  One way to look at it is that: “Codependency is a circular relationship in which one person needs the other person, who in turn, needs to be needed. The codependent person, known as 'the giver,' feels worthless unless they are needed by — and making sacrifices for — the enabler, otherwise known as 'the taker.'"(Source: Very Well Mind).

  Codependency is what happens  when we perceive our sense of wellbeing to be tied to someone else's happiness.  Like, we are NOT okay, unless they are happy.

  So we (as individuals) could be perfectly happy and doing well; but if our partner (or someone else with whom we are codependent) seems to be unhappy or seems to be otherwise in trouble; then we sometimes feel a need to address it quickly, even if it costs us tremendously.

  According to Melodi Beatty (Author of the fantastic Book, "Codependent No More"), Codependency can be described as when we make someone else's problem into our problem.  She asks: "Is someone else's problem your problem?  If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to someone else's, you may be codependent."

•   Another author wrote: "Many people have heard of codependency and understand that it can be harmful in a relationships. But, what does being codependent mean?  Some people interpret codependency as an extreme dependence on someone else, a strong need for the companionship of another. 

  Although this might be part of it, this is not the entire definition of codependency.

  "Codependency is a mental and emotional problem that affects the way people interact and connect with others in an interpersonal relationship.  It creates problems in relationships as it causes people to become uncomfortable with themselves. Many codependent people have low self-esteem and struggle to think well of themselves. As a result, they often enter into destructive relationships that are abusive or otherwise unfulfilling" (Source.)

  It's not uncommon for a person with Codependency to get involved with another person who has a whole lot of serious needs (i.e., Addiction, Mental Illness, Physical Illness, or even Personality Issues, etc..).  

  Codependency would be wonderful if it was just humans caring for other humans and showing compassion.  But that is not what it is.  Why?  Because there's a catch... what if in expressing my need to have someone else be okay, I am actually trying to control them?  Trying to control what they do?  Trying to control who they like and spend their time with.  And trying to control where they go as well...? 

  All this , just so that I would be OKAY???  Why does me being OKAY depend so much on someone else?  What kind of relationship is that?  Looks like two people being dependent on each other.  

  But at what point does it become unhealthy?  

  When it gets out of control.  Or when it escalates to a point where we are both truly dependent on each other for things that we should be providing for our selves (i.e., Proving we are trustworthy, proving we are good people or proving that we deserve to be loved.).

  What happens when we are too Codependent?  

"What Does Being Codependent Mean?

Many people have heard of codependency and understand that it can be harmful in a relationship. But, what does being codependent really mean? Some people interpret codependency as an extreme dependence on someone else, a strong need for the companionship of another person. Although this might be part of it, this is not the entire definition of codependency.

Codependency is a mental and emotional problem that affects the way people interact and connect with others in an interpersonal relationship. It creates problems in relationships as it causes people to become uncomfortable with themselves.  Many codependent people have low self-esteem and struggle to think well of themselves.  As a result, they often enter inter destructive  relationships that are abusive or otherwise unfulfilling.

To be codependent is to rely heavily on someone else. Often, people who are in a codependent relationships rely on a partner who actually has an addiction problem.  Codependent individuals often have excessive emotional or psychological dependence on their significant other making for a relationship dynamic that is toxic and unfulfilling." (Parts of this passage were edited for clarity) (Source)."

Potentially Harmful Patterns in Codependent Relationships:

  Some believe that in Codependent Relationships and/or Relationships involving one or more people who have some Codependency or Codependent Traits; one  might experiences at least one of the following Codependent Patterns:

• Denial Patterns -- Like denying how we truly feel sometimes.

• Low Self-Esteem Patterns -- Like being highly critical of ourselves or denying our own self-worth.

• Compliance Patterns -- Like People-Pleasers just getting along to go along.

• Control Patterns -- Such as somehow NEEDING others to be like us or to follow our advice and getting angry when they don't.  And...

• Avoidance Patterns -- Like doing anything to avoid Rejection or Anger.

Is codependency a bad thing?  It can be... 

  But Not necessarily in all cases...

  Perhaps Codependency is not necessarily inherently a bad thing...  But what happens when our needs are no longer being met?  

  Perhaps what happens then is that damage can be done... like damage to a relationship -- or even emotional damage to ourselves  -- or damage to other people.  Perhaps?  

  It's like thinking that OUR Needs do not need to be satisfied.  Besides, sometimes we are just too busy meeting their needs, right?  But then that cannot go on but for some it can go on and on and on.... until they break.

  One author wrote: "Codependency is so damaging because it doesn't allow healthy relationships to flourish.  In order for people to truly give of themselves, their needs must be met as well, which means breaking codependent behaviors."  (Source.)

What about Codependency and Boundaries -- 

  Again, Codependency might be wonderful if it is just about being caring and giving -- or receiving.  

  However, people with Codependency often give with strings attaches...  (LIke they give you a gift; but then they expect something in return).  

  Such as strings like... "Now, I'm going to write you a check for $15,000 to pay for your Treatment.  

  So you just go there, get better, and come back soon so that we can both feel better.  

  (But then what happens, after the person goes, spends the money, gets the treatment, then drops out half-way through....and Relapses worse than ever...???)  

  BOOM!!!  What a disappointment for everybody!  The addict is ashamed.  And Codependent is pissed off.

  It's like, we often hear people in aggrieved relationships talking about time in the Relationship as though it were an investment...  Like I want something for my investment -- don't you?  

  However, this is sometimes a sign of Codependency...  

  It is?  How so?  Well, is not a Relationship really mostly just time that we spent together?  Things that we did together?  Moments that we shared? 

  I mean...  It's not like a Mutual Fund -- or a Savings Account ... now is it?

So think about it:

  If my partner is so busy paying attention to my problems; yet neglecting their own challenges'; then where is that going to lead to?

  In other words, we should probably ONLY give of ourselves in great amounts in situations where our Giving is an Expression of our Love.  

  Meaning, it is perfectly okay if we don't get anything in return.  Because our Joy, truly is an act of Giving.

  So how do we know when Codependency Becomes a Serious Issue?  This is when You say to yourself:  "OMGosh!!! -- Their problem is so bad that it is driving me crazy!!!  

  So, I have a solution: I will change them instead of changing me."  (This is when Codependency is really bad..... So we try to change them.. and that possibly leads to more disappointment, and even "Co-ing Out!"  (Being addicted to Codependency).

  (Does this ever really work?   Does an Unhealthy Codependency ever really work out?  Probably not.)

“9 Warning Signs of a Codependent Relationship

1. People Pleasing -- You will betray your own values in order to satisfy the whims or another person.

2. Lack of Boundaries -- Like you are dependent on someone else in some of the most intimate or material or professional ways -- instead of taking care of yourself.

3. Poor Self-Esteem -- Like when they are upset, you believe it has to be because you are not good enough for them and that it has to be something you did wrong.

4. Caretaking -- Like when you give to someone who is in need; but then you expect something in return (unlike when someone is truly Care-GIVING).

5. Reactivity -- Like when they feel bad; I feel bad... and When they feel good; I feel good.

6. Poor Communication -- I just don't hear things that I don't want to hear.  Like when she said, She will probably always go back to her husband; even though she knows that I love her more.

7. Lack of Self-Image -- Like when I cannot see myself until you tell me what should I see.

8. Dependency -- Like when I cannot make decisions for myself unless you tell me which option is the right one for me.

9. Relationship Stress -- Like when a Relationship becomes fatigued because both people are so busy using up each other's energy; that there is nothing left.

 (Please see: Warning Signs of Codependency.)

  

In Short; Try to Look At It This Way:

  Perhaps people with Codependency sometimes find themselves; Care-Taking; when they really think they are Care-Giving.

  Think about it, isn't Care-Giving the act of giving Care without Strings attached?

  Whereas, Care-Taking… can frequently be something completely different.

  What a difference a word makes!

   And It’s OKAY to be in it for yourself – either in Part or as a Whole…  Just be honest about it.

   But it’s often NOT Okay to do so; yet to also be unwilling to admit it. 

   Not admitting that we truly want something in exchange for our time and efforts could be both a sign of denial and a sign of Codependency.

  Besides, it often pops up in the worst situations.  Codependency is often based in such passive-like and even manipulative behaviors that it is rarely ever pleasant or funny to those who are effected by it.

So what does Codependency Do To Relationships:

  Does it make them better?

  Does it bring harm them?

  Does it make them worse?

  Does it make them more Toxic?

    And in some cases.... perhaps it even does all of these things?

SO How Could CODEPENDENCY LEAD To Domestic Violence???

  Think about it!   

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