Like an old Actor or Actress, you picture yourself after a make-believe Domestic Violence Situation; where you were the one who got arrested. And then, all that comes with it starts raining down like a mountain of rocks.... But This is a Real-Life situation. -- I mean... A S I T U A T I O N !!! It is Shocking !!! ... Who knows what really happened; but we know that somehow, what was a beautiful turn of events that had been the wonderful relationship that you once had with your partner; has now evolved (or even devolved) into a Serious MESS !!!
What are you gonna do now? --
Like Right Now -- What would you do???
Picture Your Self Now -- moving forward: You are at a Railroad Crossing ready to go; but which way are you gonna choose this time?
Obviously, you only have two safe choices: Your best choice would either be to turn around and go back from whence you came; or you could try to just stop right here for a moment and start thinking about what happened that got you into this mess in the first place.
Like anyone else, you're getting tired of waiting for trains to go by. But you can't move forward safely right now. So you have to sit there and think... right... just think..
This would be an excellent time to choose the right move -- no doubt. Nobody wants to make the wrong move -- twice?
And only you can say which is right and which is wrong for you right now.
So how do we know which of the two to choose? Perhaps some thinking is in order...?
Think about this: How Did I Get Into This Mess In The First Place?
Regardless of our feelings of innocence or guilt about our DV Offenses; we can admit that there were some things about Our Social Interactions, or Our Emotions, or Our Behaviors, or Our Personalities, or even Our Strengths that somehow contributed to our DV Offense.
Surely, we all know that some combination of all these qualities is there with us every day -- 24/7 -- for better or for worse.
So for a moment, let's imagine that our Strengths as a: “family of positive characteristics … each of which
exists in degrees” (Park & Peterson, 2009, p. 3) are laying out before us... just waiting for us to pick them up and put them on and then use them to the best of our ability. Our Strengths.
And so we probably should remember that it's a no-brainer that some combination of Our Social Interactions, Emotions, Behaviors, Personalities and even Our Strengths helped shape our Perceptions, Feelings, Thinking, and Our Behaviors that in some form or another combined with the rest of the elements on that day to make Our DV Offenses possible.
So perhaps we didn't intend for things to turn out that way. But regardless of our intent; we each ended up with a DV-Related Charge and all the unfortunate and even painful baggage that comes with it.
But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Today's Lesson is about getting to know ourselves better so as to Prevent DV from ever happening again in our lives. And we will be doing this from a Strengths Perspective. “The Strengths Perspective is an approach to social work
that puts the strengths and resources of people, communities, and their
environments, -- rather than their problems and pathologies, -- at the center of the
helping process” (Source.). Now that could be good, right?
So What Gives??? How Does All This Come Together?
Theoretically, we are each informed by Our Previous Behaviors, Our Memories, Our Wants and Our Needs, Our Perceptions, Our Feelings, Our Thinking, the Reactions of Others, as well as our assessments of our most Recent Behaviors. It is also important to admit that unfortunately, some of our Strengths also overpower us at times in the wrong way sometimes... even to a point where we make choices that are not good for us, or for anyone else. So this is about honing our Strengths and learning how to use them for "The GOOD".
Hence, it might be smart to start building on our Strengths so that we can prevent this in the future. But first, we need to figure out exactly what our Strengths are. We also need to really focus today on our Relationship-Building Strengths. And then we can Learn how to Use Them to Make Our Relationships Better.
Below is a list of possible Relationship-Building Strengths that could probably help most people to have much more enjoyable Relationships.
What does it mean to be someone who displays and/or Exemplifies one of the Relationship-Building Strengths as listed below. Well think about it for a minute. It could mean that we are more successful at building healthier relationships in the future. Would that be a good thing for you? Probably...
So what are these theoretically-proposed Relationship-Building Strengths??? --
And which ones speak to you the loudest?
- Altruistic (Giving without expecting something in return): Or do I keep score in a Relationship? Am I able to give without expecting something in return? How might this help a relationship?
- Brilliance: How might a combination of being creative, smart, witty, and energetic help my relationships? Can I be this way? Can I begin to recognize and develop my own Brilliance?
- Caring: Am I consistently caring about my partner and showing compassion for this person and for our Relationship?
- Committed and Reliable: How might showing commitment or being reliable help this Relationship? Am I being Reliable? Am I truly Committed to this Relationship? How do I feel when someone who I love is committed to a relationship with me? Do I take that for granted?
- A Communicator: Do I communicate clearly and in a meaningful way with my partner? How well do I listen to my partner? Have I accepted that listening is probably the most important part of communication? Do I have Empathy for my partner?
- Courageous or Brave: Does my partner know that I will stand up for what I feel is right and that I am Courageous enough to do it the correct way?
- A Critical Thinker (Am I able to think clearly with or without my emotions?): Can I think beyond my Biases in order to get to the FACTS -- before I think I know something?
- Diligent: Am I conscientious in the ways that I interact with my Partner in this Relationship? Do I do my best? And Does my partner see that? Do I care about the impact of things that I am doing with my Partner?
- Easy Going: Can I go about the time in this Relationship without sweating the small stuff? Do I practice relaxation exercises? Am I able to not let my own Anxiety become my partner's problem?
- Committed to Equality: Do I view my partner as being a person of equal worth and equal value? Am I committed to manifesting a sense of Equality and/or Equity in our Relationship?
- Fair / Fairness: Am I able to make decisions with my partner, while being willing to hold off until we find solutions that suit both of us?
- Faithful: Am I Faithful to my partner? Can I withstand temptation?
- Flexible: Am I Flexible with my Partner and Flexible within this Relationship as well. Am I able to bend with the Wind like a blade of grass; instead of breaking like a tree in a windstorm?
- Forgiving: Can I Forgive on an ongoing basis? Am I willing to NOT have any Regrets that I could otherwise blame on my Partner? Can I just let it go? Can I truly forget the wrongs done to me? (Now that's a hard one!)
- Grateful / Thankful: Do I truly feel and show my appreciation, and my gratitude, and my thankfulness for the blessings, challenges, and gifts that each day brings with my partner?
- Honorable: Do I carry myself with Honor? And do I consistently hold my Partner in the light of Honor? Do I treat my Partner with reverence, respect, and trust? Or am I always trying to catch my Partner in a lie or something?
- Humble / Humility: Do I present myself as a Humble spirit? Especially regarding our Relationship? Or do I delude myself into thinking that I am ALWAYS Right? And / Or do I truly think that I am always in total control of my partner as well as this relationship and the World around it?
- Independent: Am I willing and able to function with or without my partner for a day, or a or a week, a month, or even a year........ and still be in Love?
- Understands and Values Intimacy: Do I understand and practice Emotional Intimacy on a regular basis with my partner? Do I consistently treat my partner with Trust, Respect, Humility, Altruism, Spontaneity, and Equality etc... ? Can I be a part of such closeness? (Note: Sexual Intimacy is a whole different thing...)
- Jovial / Good Sense of Humor: Am I am able to laugh at something funny -- even if it's the 15th time I have heard it? Or myself -- Can I laugh at myself? Can I just laugh? Also, can I admit when I make a mistake? And can I laugh off a costly blunder that I might otherwise blame on my partner? Can I let my partner mess up and not blame her or him for it?
- Kind / Kindness: Do I give in terms of both physical and social graces? Am I a kind person? Do I allow my partner to mess up without making her or him feel worse about it? Can I offer my Partner a strong shoulder of Grace to cry on? Can I be humble with my partner 100% of the time -- even when I think I know better?
- Expresses Love: Do I understand what Love is? And am I willing to, and capable of Accepting my partner for who she/he is right now, and as the times rolls forward? Can I tell my partner that I love her or him, even when I am furious?
- Mature: Can I step up to the plate when necessary, and act like an adult? Am I committed to operating above the Drama? Can I look the other way when it's appropriate? Or do I have to win every time?
- Mindful, Paying Attention: Am I willing and able to be in the moment with my Partner on a regular basis? Can we connect on that level? Do I Pay Attention to My Partner?
- Nice: Can I carry myself with Grace -- meaning ongoing forgiveness, humility and charity for my Partner. And can I smile with Faith -- even when I feel like crap?
- Open to Change, Forward Thinking, Constantly Moving Forward: Am I willing to continue to grow; or have I stopped growing already? Am I able to grow along with my partner; rather than competing against my partner? Can I even admit that I still have some growing to do? Or am I deluded into thinking that I am all GROW-ed Up already?
- Patient: Am I able to have Patience with my partner? Am I capable of waiting for the right moment? Am I committed to never judging My Partner or My Self too quickly?
- Peaceful: Am I committed and able to settle differences without any sort of violence? Am I committed to learning how to appreciate, value and even treasure our differences?
- Prudent / Wise: Do I tend to make the right decisions at the right time when it comes to our relationship? Can I hold my tongue until I have a better response than what I had before?
- Respectful: Am I committed to consistently treating my partner the way she or he would like to be treated? Am I always able to show Respect to my partner; no matter how angry I am or how insecure I feel?
- Responsible: Can I hold myself Responsible to the point where my partner never has to hold me responsible? - No blame, and No shame or guilt either. But am I willing to own my own blemishes as well as my own beauty marks? Do I admit that I messed up, when I messed up? And do I gracefully look the other way when my partner messes up?
- Sincere: Am I typically willing and able to express exactly what I feel and think to my partner? Am I able to hear what my partner is communicating to me on the deeper levels (as well as the meta-messages. (Note: Meta-messages are: "inner messages that
could be inferred or implied from a message” (Source.))).
- Supportive: Am I there for my partner when ever she or he needs me? Will I stand at my partner's side with love and admirability even at times that I do not agree with what she or he is thinking, saying or doing?
- Thoughtful: Do I think about what my partner and I need or want on a regular basis? Am I able to think outside of the box of my past to a newer and broader and deeper level of thoughts regarding our relationship that make it to where the previous relationships cannot compare?
- Timely / Punctual: Am I willing and able to wait for the right time to do things or say things that I need to say to my Partner? Can I be right on time for my partner, almost every time -- even if I'm late?
- Virtuous / Lives by his or her Values: Do I understand the Principles and Values that I live by to the point where I can act with Virtue on a regular basis; particularly when it comes to this relationship? Does my partner know who I really am?
- Willing to Learn: Do I think I already know it all? Or am I willing to keep Learning -- especially when it comes to my partner? Could we both become Lifelong Learners Together?
- Young at Heart: Am I willing and able to try and think and feel like a child at times with or without my partner? Or must I always insist on being the adult in the room? Do we play enough?
Surely, there are more strengths available for us to identify, develop and use over time. But for now, how could each of these Relationship Strengths (i.e., these Social strengths, Emotional strengths, Behavioral strengths and Personality strengths (Above)) help us to better navigate our relationships? Think about it?
Our Strengths Can Be Like Our Tools For Life
I am thinking that the more of these tools (above) that I can learn how to use effectively; the more satisfying my Relationships are gonna be. And even if I only learn how to do 1 or 2 of those Strengths above; my Relationships will quite possibly improve to some degree.
Retrospective Strengths-Based Summary:
How did each of the following -- including Our Perceptions, Feelings, Thinking, Experiences and Previous Behaviors help shape Our Social Interactions, Emotions, Recent Behaviors, Personalities, or even Our Strengths to help contribute to Our DV Offenses?
The idea here is about getting to know ourselves a little better. It's about making good changes to the way we do things. Then we can possibly begin to allow Our Social Interactions, Emotions, Personalities, even Our Strengths, Our Feelings, Our Thinking, and Our Behaviors to be informed more so by, and driven by, and even colored by more of our Positive Social, Emotional, Behavioral and Personality Strengths. This could possibly lead to healthier relationships. Right?
But first, we have to accept that all that negative stuff just doesn't work and it leads to the poor choices that helped get us into this mess in the first place. So we have to let go of all that Hurt, Pain, Blame, Shame, Guilt, Resentment and HATE -- Let go of all that negative stuff....
And then we need to start focusing on our Strengths -- Our Positive Strengths. Our Positive Relationship Strengths.
And so remember, the idea here is not as much about what we are lacking; It is more about our strengths. It's more about what we have, but maybe do not use enough of.
And so remember, our strengths are things that we each have, and we each can improve upon them..... together; or separately if we want to.
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Music: "I love to Laugh" (Mary Poppins)
A Note About Positive Psychology:
“Positive psychology has been described in many ways and with many words, but the commonly accepted definition of the field is this:
“Positive psychology is the scientific study of what makes life most worth living” (Peterson, 2008).”
“To push this brief description a bit further, positive psychology is a scientific approach to studying human thoughts, feelings, and behavior, with a focus on strengths instead of weaknesses, building the good in life instead of repairing the bad, and taking the lives of average people up to “great” instead of focusing solely on moving those who are struggling up to “normal” (Peterson, 2008).
What Positive Psychology Focuses on in a Nutshell:
Positive psychology focuses on the positive events and influences in life, including:
1. Positive experiences (like happiness, joy, inspiration, and love).
2. Positive states and traits (like gratitude, resilience, and compassion).
3. Positive institutions (applying positive principles within entire organizations and institutions).
As a field, positive psychology spends much of its time thinking about topics like character strengths, optimism, life satisfaction, happiness, wellbeing, gratitude, compassion (as well as self-compassion), self-esteem and self-confidence, hope, and elevation.
These topics are studied in order to learn how to help people flourish and live their best lives” (Ackerman, Courtney, 2020: https://positivepsychology.com/what-is-positive-psychology-definition/).
Sources:
https://www.oxfordhandbooks.com/view/10.1093/oxfordhb/9780199935291.001.0001/oxfordhb-9780199935291-e-77#:~:text=Researchers%20have%20defined%20character%20strengths,3).
https://socwel.ku.edu/strengths-perspective#:~:text=The%20Strengths%20Perspective%20is%20an,center%20of%20the%20helping%20process.
https://positivepsychology.com/what-is-positive-psychology-definition/
(Originally Published March 29, 2021, c. William T. Beverly.)
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