Having Compassion for the Effects of Domestic Violence

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  Let's talk about Compassion and Domestic Violence.

One could speculate that When Domestic Violence happens, there is probably at least a temporary lack of Compassion somewhere in the relationship between the two people.

  The Core Competency D, which is about "Empathy" states the following: 

 D. Empathy

   1. Recognize & verbalize effects (of the offense) on victim.   

   2. Recognize & verbalize effects (of the offense) kids & family.

   3. Offers compassion w/out turning attention on self.

In What Ways are Victims Sometimes Impacted by Domestic Violence"

• Feelings hurt.
• Might make them start feeling insecure.
• Might make them Depressed or Anxious -- or Traumatized.
• Might make them Homeless.
• Cause Physical Injury.  (And many other things).
• The victim might lose their job due to absences.

In What Ways are the Kids and the Family Sometimes Impacted by Domestic Violence"

• Might have to move away from home and their friends too.
• It could traumatize them.
• They might have to change schools and school friends too.
• Kids might end up with related Mental Health Issues like Depression and Anxiety.
• Kids might not get to see one (or both) of their parents for a long time.
• Kids might have to go without their old possessions, toys, books and their old assets, like favorite teachers or neighbors.

In What Ways are Extended Family and Third Parties Sometimes Impacted by Domestic Violence"

• The family members or Friends might be embarrassed.
• Family members and Friends might get involved and get injured too.
• Family members might and Friends might have to help clean up the mess... like physically, financially, or even by just having to take care of the kids for a couple of weeks. 
• Family members and Friends might have to deal with the HATE.

  In some cases, one can help prevent DV from happening.  And if so, many of the problems listed above would never happen...

  But in other cases, nobody can prevent it.  Because the abuser keeps on abusing, and the victim just keeps going back.

  And every time the victim goes back to the abuser; there is a chance that there will be more abuse.

  And as the abuse continues; there are greater possibilities of more serious and more physical injuries to the victim and to the family.

  Sometimes, it's just too late to prevent the abuse.  The abuse has already happened, and one can only have Compassion.

 So What is Compassion?  

  "Compassion may be defined as: “Sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.” (Oxford).

 “Compassion literally means “to suffer together.” Among emotion researchers, it is defined as the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another's suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering. Compassion is not the same as empathy or altruism, though the concepts are related” (Greater Good Magazine).

“While empathy refers more generally to our ability to take the perspective of and feel the emotions of another person, compassion is when those feelings and thoughts include the desire to help. Altruism, in turn, is the kind of selfless behavior often prompted by feelings of compassion, though one can feel compassion without acting on it, and altruism isn’t always motivated by compassion” (Greater Good Magazine).

Another Source writes: “While there is no single all-encompassing definition of compassion, it is generally understood to be a response to the suffering of another person."

"The kind of suffering we're responding to could be a variety of things ranging from physical, emotional or mental pain brought on by anything from disease to injury to a general dissatisfaction with life. The cause of the discomfort may come from external or interpersonal events, real or imagined. In any case, it is our care or concern for the person suffering that is considered compassion.”  (Paul Ekman Group).

What are the Different Types of Compassion:

“Compassionate Responses

As mentioned, there are many interpretations of compassion, focusing on different aspects of our response to suffering. One way to categorize different types of compassion is by the varying focus of our response, including our feelings, actions, concerns, and intentions:

empathic compassion: focusing on feeling the emotions experienced by the person who is suffering.

action compassion: focusing on actions that attempt to relieve physical and emotional pain.

concerned compassion: concern for the person who is suffering, emphasizing the compassionate person’s motivation (a desire, urge, or feeling) to alleviate suffering.

aspirational compassion: Buddhists describe something somewhat different, a compassion that is more cognitive than emotional, an aspiration or intention.”  (Paul Ekman Group).

 

“Immediacy of Compassion

Compassion can also be distinguished by the immediacy of response: responding to the current or future anticipated suffering of someone.

 Proximal compassion: compassion to alleviate suffering felt right now. Proximal compassion is often closely tied with our current emotional state.

Example: listening empathically to a friend in distress.

Distal compassion: compassion to avoid suffering in the future.

Distal compassion often involves more cognition as it involves 2 components:

1. Recognizing the problem that lies ahead

2. Being willing to engage in actions necessary to avoid future suffering, even if it requires some sacrifices now

Example: telling your child to wear their helmet when riding their bicycle to avoid injury.”  (Paul Ekman Group).

"What are the benefits of compassion?

 The conversations between Dr. Ekman and the Dalai Lama have highlighted some philosophical questions regarding the nature of compassion and our motivations and intentions behind acting compassionately.

The Dalai Lama believes that unbiased compassion must be carried out in a manner that is detached from selfish motivation, however he has also acknowledged how compassionate actions can benefit ourselves as well.

Whether or not an action may be considered truly compassionate if it is also in some way self-serving, Dr. Ekman takes the stand that it is helpful to hold a perspective of enlightened self-interest, in which we consider the ways that helping others can also help ourselves. In that light, Dr. Ekman outlines three benefits of compassion:

1. It generates an intrinsically good feeling (compassion joy).
2. It can increase our self-regard; it supports a positive view of oneself, as well as a sense of well-being and purpose.
3. It can elicit the approval of others: when other people learn about the compassionate action, accidentally or by design, their regard for the compassionate person may be increased. In turn this acknowledgment and approval may elicit further enjoyment in the compassionate actor." (Paul Ekman Group, Source.)

Discussion Questions: 

What Is My Level of Compassion for My Victim (Then and Now)?

0-10 (0 = No Compassion at all); (10 = Tons of Compassion)?

What Is My Level of Compassion for The Other's Involved (Then and Now)?

0-10 (0 = No Compassion at all); (10 = Tons of Compassion)?

How would I describe my sense of Compassion related to all of the Victims in my offense?