Accepting the Repercussions and/or our Consequences for DV-related Thinking and Behavior

THIS IS A DRAFT -- PLEASE DO NOT DUPLICATE OR COPY

Recognizing and Accepting the Repercussions and/or our Consequences for things that we have to do, or may experience due to our DV-Type Thinking and / or our DV-Type Behavior.

According to The DVOMB Core Competencies: 

H. Acceptance --

  Behavior has / should have consequences  

1. Identify the consequences of our thinking 
2. Identify the consequences of our behavior, and
3. Recognize that abusive behavior is or was a choice, it is or was intentional & and it is or was goal oriented

Consequences:  

  Consequences can be good or bad.  

  Our Thinking can bring consequences.  

  And Our behaviors can bring consequences.

 Are basically things that happen (we think) in relation to what we think, or what we don't think.

 Are basically things that happen (we think) in relation to how we think, or how we don't think.

 Are basically things that happen (we think) in relation to what we do, or what we don't do.

For example: 

If I do all my homework, I might get a good Grade.

If I do not do all my homework, I might not get a good Grade.

Some view Consequences as a Form of Punishment.

Others view Consequences as an opportunity to make changes that will help you.

Consequences can also be viewed as a deterrent... to keep you from doing things that you should not do.

One of the challenges with DV -related consequences these days is that many persons with DV Offenses, had no idea at the time that they could end up with the consequences that they got for their DV Offense.

Consequences for Men and Women are not always equal (albeit they they might be equitable).

For example, a 16 year old an d10 year old are hangin out on a Fridy ngiht.  

They start drinking,, adn throwing rocks at cars.

The connsequences may be very different, but still equitable.

BACK TO THE COMPETENCY:

The DVOMB Suggests the following:

We must accept that behavior has / should have consequences

We must Identify the consequences of our thinking,

We must Identify the consequences of our behavior, 

Recognize that our behavior was abusive (It was a form of abuse, no doubt: Physical, Emotional, Psychological, Economic, Social, Digital, Sexual, Using Children, Spiritual, Isolation / Jealousy and Control, Intimidation, Coercion and Threats).

Recognize that our abusive behavior is or was a choice,

Recognize that our abusive behavior is or was intentional,

Recognize that our Abusive behavior is or was goal oriented.  

*** UPCOMING TRINIDAD & WALSENBURG SURVIVOR EMPATHY PANEL *** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT for ALL TRINIDAD & WALSENBURG DV Treatment Participants !!!

 *** UPCOMING Trinidad & Walsenburg SURVIVOR EMPATHY PANEL for ALL Walsenburg & Trinidad DV Treatment Participants !!!

*** Important Information REQUIRED for ALL Walsenburg & Trinidad DV Tx Participants *** 

(For Wednesday, July 24th, 2024 and 5:30p.m. -- Save the DATE!!!)

DV SURVIVOR EMPATHY PANEL REFERRAL 

  IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR ATTENDEES 

Schedule available online at Intervention - SAVE (int-cjs.org) or call 303-902-8344. 

• Probation/Parole/Diversion Department referred clients will receive verification of attendance.  

• The fee is $50.00 payable upon entrance to the panel. MONEY ORDER ONLY! 

• Photo ID and your probation officer’s business card are required to attend.  

• Case Number:     

    Probation/Parole/Diversion Officer:      

• Space is limited due to fire codes, and it is a first come first served policy. 

• There is absolutely no late admittance.  

    Registration begins at 5:30pm and the panel starts at 6:00pm.  

    Program is approximately 60-90 minutes long. 

• Alcohol or illegal drug use is prohibited.  If use or possession is suspected you will not be allowed to attend, and your probation/parole/diversion officer will be notified. 

• No children or guests of attendees are allowed.  No tobacco use is allowed.  

• Attendees must sign a confidentiality agreement.  No recording is allowed. 

• Security may be present during the program.  Any disruptions will result in immediate expulsion and your probation/parole/diversion officer/treatment provider will be notified. 

• There is a fee of $25.00 for a replacement attendance verification form. 

• Please bring this form with you to the panel. 

• PANEL DATE and LOCATION: 

  Wednesday, July 24th at 5:30 

TRINIDAD COMMUNITY CENTER CONFERENCE ROOM

1309 BESHOAR AVENUE, Trinidad, CO 81082, Colorado

Exploring Our Motivations For Violence

* THIS IS A DRAFT.  PLEASE DO NOT PRINT, COPY OR DISTRIBUTE WITHPUT PERMISSION. *

Violence comes in many forms: Physical, Verbal, Psychological, Emotional, Biological, Digital, Economic, Social, Emotional, Psychological, Indirect or Direct.

What Motivates a Person to act Violently: 

  Triggers, Fear, Anger, Pride, Ego, Our Surroundings or Circumstances, Jealousy, Envy, Bad Manners, Gangs, Revenge, To Build Confidence, and even Curiosity, Paranoia, Intoxication, To Further one's cause, Intimidation (Using violence to intimidate), Arguing in bad faith, or shutting the Internet Off / aka/ When one one's communication ability is cut off.

Two of the DVOMB's Core Competencies Related to This are:

F. Reduce patterns of control and power behaviors, beliefs and attitudes of entitlement

1. Recognize core beliefs

2. Identify specific forms of abuse and control

3. Demonstrate equality and respect in personal relationships

What are My Core Beliefs:

"“Core beliefs are the underlying ideas we hold about ourselves, others and the world. These ideas develop during childhood as you begin to use your relationships with caregivers and your own experience to interpret the world around you. From this learning and interpretation, you develop specific thoughts and rules that allow you to get your needs met.

 While in many cases these beliefs can be helpful, there are times when they can cause negative emotions. For example, it is has been suggested that those individuals who experience  symptoms of depression are more likely to have core beliefs that tell them that they are helpless and/or unlovable (McQuaid & Carmona, 2004). Those with anxiety are more likely to have beliefs that suggest that the world is an unsafe place. If you find that you are suffering from symptoms of depression and/or anxiety then it can be very helpful to examine what your core beliefs may be.

Identifying Core Beliefs

The first step in identifying problematic core beliefs is to first learn to identify those thoughts that are bouncing around in your head every day. We refer to these thoughts as automatic thoughts because they simply arise and pop into our heads without conscious thought.  (Source, Rowan Center).”"

So What are my Automatic Thoughts -- given a certain situation: 

  You get dropped off all the sudden in "Boys Town" .. out side of Nuevo Progresso, Tamaulipas, Mexico.. 

    What's you first thought / Automatic Thought: 

        Fearful, Not to get out of hand, Keep Calm... be respectful and have fun....  

  What are your automatic thoughts if you are at home on a Saturday night... and your wife is not home yet.. she said she was going out with friends.. and it's 3 a.m. at this point:

  What are your automatic thoughts:

       She's hiding something....   She's with someone else.. Going out and seeing somebody.. 

       Why do we automatically think this....???

   = = = = = = = =  = ********************** = = = = = = = = = = 

This week, we are looking at a different Competency: 

K. Understanding, identifying and managing our own pattern of violence

1. Acknowledge past/present violent/controlling/abusive behavior

2. Exploring our Motivation(s) for Violence

3. Understanding learned violence/explain to others

4. Stops violence before it happens (Preventing Violence).

  Just on the face of it, many might agree that Violence is often inspired by any of the following:

• Fear
• Upsetness / When someone is feeling down -- enough to hurt self or others or an object
• Stress
• Obsession
• Betrayal
• Disappointment
• Abandonment
• PTSD
• Shock
• Drugs / Intoxication
• Mental Health
• An act of any Congress
• Codependency
• Bad Relationships -- "You can take violence from your home out into the streets..."
• A sense of entitlement

Understanding LEARNED VIOLENCE:

  Where do we learn Violence:

• From Home / Violent Homes / Past Trauma / Foster Care / Group Homes / Gangs / TV / Movies / Music Lyrics / Pop Culture / Video Games / Police Officers / The News (War), Social Medical, The Bible, Some Religions

Alpha Dog... -- 

  To me, the most important parts of the above are what I would call the Roots of our Violence.  When I think about the Roots, I think about words such as:

Our Values, How we believe and Morals

Entitlement

Core Beliefs

Motivations for Violence (Are a Trigger and a Motivation the same?)

Understanding learned violence (Learned by observation, experience, and/or being subjected to it).

Preventing Violence

A deeper... Look: What is Abuse in the context of family relationships... ?

  We expect our kids to love us, want to be around us, to be loyal to the family, to respect us and to obey us..

  But what if they don't do some of that?  (This could cause lots of problems).

How do you "Put them in Check"?   (Punishment vs. Induction).   Induction / Alpha Dog... 

 Whereas other parents help change their child's ways with love.

  Therefore have a choice don't they???  Unfortunately some parents choose to abuse...

   

So what Motivates Violence....???  

  Motivators of Violence:  Fear, Anxiety, Ignorance, Stress, Frustration, Disappointment, Shock, Hate, Tragedy, Depression, Intoxication, Fear of Loss, Jealousy/Insecurity, Feeling unsafe, Being accused, Panic.

What are My Core Beliefs:  

  My Philosophy of Life -- While some people believe in Helping People, others believe in Teaching People, Still others believe in Controlling people, Some people even believe in ignoring people.   Each person gets to choose.  

   -- What I believe why I believe it... what's right and what's wrong... 

  My Morals -- What we believe is right and wrong..  Like about being a partner.. What should a partner be? (Loving, caring, understanding, appreciating, accepting, trustworthy, honest, loyal, self-sufficient, independent, very communicative

  My Values -- What do we value --- Hopefully our values support our morals and lead to our sense of morality.  I value happiness, honesty, having a lot of love in a relationship, trust, faithfulness, gratefulness, appreciation, humble, forgiving, 

  My Theory of behavior Management.  Induction...  Doing so without anger, yelling, hatefulness, stubbornness, no attitude, be sincere.

    +++++++++++++++

-------------------------------

But how do we get motivated To Do Violence?  

  We get set off, things accumulate over time, suppressing negative feelings, ...

  Some people just like doing violence.  Irritability.  

How do we get motivated to prevent violence?

  Mindfulness, consideration, understanding how to stop it, understanding the consequences of violence.  

  Realizing that if I don't change... I might lose important things and people...

  Being open to he possibilities.  

  Getting help when you need it.

  Having Faith can help.  Having Hope..

*** UPCOMING SAN LUIS VALLEY EMPATHY PANEL *** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT for ALL ALAMOSA & MONTE VISTA DV Treatment Participants !!!

*** IMPORTANT Information REQUIRED for 

ALL ALAMOSA & MONTE Vista DV Tx Participants *** 

(For Wednesday, August 14th -- Save the DATE!!!)

DV SURVIVOR EMPATHY PANEL REFERRAL 

   IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR ATTENDEES 

Schedule available online at Intervention - SAVE (int-cjs.org) or call 303-902-8344. 

• Probation/Parole/Diversion Department referred clients will receive verification of attendance.  

• The fee is $50.00 payable upon entrance to the panel. MONEY ORDER ONLY! 

• Photo ID and your probation officer’s business card are required to attend.  

• Case Number:     

    Probation/Parole/Diversion Officer:      

• Space is limited due to fire codes, and it is a first come first served policy. 

• There is absolutely no late admittance.  

    Registration begins at 5:30pm and the panel starts at 6:00pm.  

    Program is approximately 60-90 minutes long. 

• Alcohol or illegal drug use is prohibited.  If use or possession is suspected you will not be allowed to attend, and your probation/parole/diversion officer will be notified. 

• No children or guests of attendees are allowed.  No tobacco use is allowed.  

• Attendees must sign a confidentiality agreement.  No recording is allowed. 

• Security may be present during the program.  Any disruptions will result in immediate expulsion and your probation/parole/diversion officer/treatment provider will be notified. 

• There is a fee of $25.00 for a replacement attendance verification form. 

• Please bring this form with you to the panel. 

• PANEL DATE and LOCATION: 

  Wednesday August 14, 2024 

  San Luis Valley Behavioral  Health Group 

  8745 County Road South Alamosa, Colorado

Reducing My Patterns of Control and Power Behaviors, Beliefs and Attitudes of Entitlement

Under Core Competency Item "F", it talks about Reducing My Patterns of Control and Power Behaviors: What does a Pattern of Control-Type Behaviors look like?  

  When people get into trouble for DV, it is very common to find that there was a pattern of Power and Control in place for one of both partners.  

  A lot of times, the people involved cannot see the pattern.  They focus on one or two elements and fail to take in the patterns throughout whole system.

What do Patterns look like?

  Perhaps it looks like a young woman trying to get her boyfriend to stop using addictive drugs.  (She has good and pure intentions), but it sometimes seems as though it might be impossible for her to accomplish such a task.  Still she tries this and tries that -- just like she did with herEx.

  Or Perhaps it looks like a guy telling his girlfriend to quit her job because he's jealous of some guy that works where she works.  Sometimes we can cannot see the big picture; or truly comprehend what we are looking at because we cannot see the whole forest due to the patterns in the trees.

  At times, we cannot see clearly because we are hyper-focused on that one thing that we are trying to control.  Sometimes we believe something because we are only looking at one part of it; rather than studying the whole thing before coming to a conclusion.

  What do Beliefs and / or behaviors that lead to Control-Type Behaviors look like?   

  -- Narcissistism

  -- Gaslighting

  -- Toxicity

  -- A misplaced need to Take Control over situations.  (Like thinking you are always supposed to be in charge.)

  -- Psychotic Delusional Beliefs with Sociopathic Thinking and Behaviors.

 Another task here is Reducing my Beliefs and Attitudes of Entitlement that contribute to my Patterns of Control and Power.  The assumption is that when I want to use power and control over something, I am entitled to do so.

  Am I really entitled to do so in all of these situations... ?  I if was, I might not have gotten arrested.

  And What do Attitudes of Entitlement look like?

  -- Conceit

  -- Privilege

  -- Rudeness

  -- Opinionated

  -- Greed.

  -- Over-Confident

In the process of better understanding our feelings of entitlement:

 We will be Recognizing our core beliefs that lead us into trouble in Relationships (Note: These core beliefs are not necessarily valid though they have been very popular at times).

Core Beliefs such as:

Some people believe in Male Superiority (Might makes Right);  Some actually believe that they have the Right to Control one's Partner, such as who they talk to; who their Friends are; Where they go and when and with whom they go.

Some people believe in Female Inferiority -- Whereas, the woman has to be led around like billi-goat by the man.  And the Man makes all the big decisions.  Further, the Man decides what is a big decision.

                  

 We will be Identifying specific forms or methods of control and power such as:

            Physical dominance.

            Exercising Entitlement

  Male Privilege.

            Economic Oppression.

  Ongoing impoverishment of women.

                 

 and We will be Demonstrating equality and respect in personal relationships.  What does that look like  in practice?  

 Joint Problem-Solving (Both saying what happens with the money.  And/or both working.

 Consensus- Building Agreement rather than Competing to be the Right one.

 Supporting and Valuing of Differences.

           Having Good, Healthy, Clear Communication that makes a positive difference even in negative situations. 

 

Patterns:

What does a Pattern of Control Behaviors look like? 

Perhaps it looks like a continuous thought-driven behavior process that is aimed at exerting control. 

What does a Pattern of Power Behaviors look like? 

A series of behaviors aimed at maintaining a sense of Power.

                    Can we make Progress in Life and Love without trying to Dominate people around us?

For example: Can a young man and a young woman successfully grow their healthy relationship, when one is trying to tell her who she can have as Friends on Facebook.

Unfortunately, Power often destroys more than it enables.

What is a Pattern?

Patterns happen in a step-by-step sequence of events that may or may or may not be repetitive.

Patterns tend to start somewhere and end somewhere and often repeat over and over again. 

Patterns often have a purpose, a goal or a series of steps, and objectives and can lead to a projected outcome.

 

A Pattern might look like this: 

At first I was happy to be with someone.

          Then I started becoming afraid that I was gonna lose her.  And I started tripping on her. 

And now, for some odd reason, I believe that I am entitled to control who may partner talks to, shares time with, makes Friends with across Social Media, who she eats with, who she sleeps with, and even who she dreams about at night.

Would this sort of Pattern lead a Relationship down a Healthy Path? 

Another way of looking at Patterns in Relationships -- From start to finish -- a Pattern of Control and Power Behaviors, Beliefs and Attitudes of Entitlement.  In other words, What are the steps that typically happen when I am using Power and Control Behaviors in my relationship?  Here is an example.  See if you can relate to this (although at times, at times it might seem rediculous)?

  This Might be Called "A Pattern of Delusion."

Step 1 might be:  I Wake up in a bad mood.

Step 2 might be:  I am Thinking about something she or he said about a dream they had last night.

Step 3 might be:  And Now I'm in bad mood.  I Was up half the night at the STRIP CLUB.

Step 4 might be:  I feel guilty so I Upped the ante...

Step 5 might be:  I decide to break up with her because she won't tell me who she dreamt about last night...

Step 6 might be:  She says, "OK.... No Problem."

Step 7 might be:  So now I am convinced she's cheating...   That's proof, right?

Step 8 might be:  I'm already 20 min. late for work and I tell her she has to move out because she cheated and I didn't..."

Step 9 might be: I know she cheated but I need proof, so when she's in the bathroom, I check out her phone.  I see a text from her Sancho, his name is Pat...  it said, "Hi, how are you today?... it's Pat."  So now I know really she's cheating..

Step 10 might be: Hence, I cannot go to work.  

Step 11 might be: I lose my job and I blame it on her.  I blame it on her cheating...

Step 12 might be: So she just laughs and heads out to go find another place to life.  Meanwhile, I am now convinced that she's definitely cheating.

Step 13 might be: After a few months of hate, sadness, anger, offensiveness, and a lot more nights at strip club, I realize that she  was not cheating... because Pat happens to be her female cousin...   But it's too late now. 

  So where are the FLAWS in MY PATTERN of CONTROL and DELUSION (above)?

Questions for Thought and Discussion: 

What do Beliefs in Entitlement look like in REAL LIFE?  

What do Attitudes of Entitlement look like? 

What are my Patterns of Controlling Behaviors?

What are my Patterns of Power Behaviors? 

What are my Pattern of Entitlement?