Getting Ready to Take Full Accountability For My Domestic Violence Offense and Moving Forward: What Is Real-Time Accountability?

  Do I have an understanding of what Accountability means to me?  

  Yes.  Hopefully.

  Or at least my sense of it is growing every day and moving forward.

  But the first thing to know about Accountability is that it does not have to be about Blame, Shame or Guilt.  It is much better when it's about accurate assessment of the past; and prevention for the future.  It's about Moving Forward.  Not as much about what I did; but probably more so about what I could do in the future to make it better.

  The point here is that Accountability can be looked at from at least two or three different directions: 1. Looking at Accountability from my past and being Accountable for the past.  And another direction -- one that I greatly prefer -- 2. Looking at Accountability as the idea of being  Accountable in the future.

  In other words, a good sense of accountability now can help prevent problems as we move forward.

  And likewise, accountability can quite possibly  make future relationships much better as well.

  If I do take Accountability; can I take Accountability this way?   

  Do I even want to be accountable?  

  Can I take Accountability for things that have not even happened yet?

  

  Can I take Accountability for my future relationships?

  Can I be Accountable?  Will I be accountable..?  

  Am I ready for this next step?  

  Am I ready to move forward?

  Am I really ready to move on in a positive direction?  If so, then I must be ready to take Accountability for my Domestic Violence (DV) Offense -- past, present and future. 

 

  But why is Accountability so important to the Process of Positive Change, Healing and Recovery from a DV Offense? 

  Accountability is ultimately something that WE DO FOR OURSELVES!

 

  Accountability is important for positive change, healing and recovery because in order to move forward in any way, one must first own their Offense.  

  And the best known way to do this is for us to be willing and able to voluntarily walk through the Passageway of accountability under our own steam, do the work, and then begin to look forward to the hope of a more positive future.  

  It's about narrowing my Offense down to what I did, who it hurt, and then owning up to it.  

  It may also include thinking about damages to others who were hurt because someone did something in reaction to what I did to them.

  It can seem like a simple concept -- Accountability -- but there are a whole lot of things to consider when considering this very important step -- Including Past, Present and Future. 

  It may sound strange, but Accountability ultimately moves out in front of us.....  It's important that we can try our best to be Accountable for what we do in the future as well.  We as human beings, have that ability to kind of in our minds and with determination, be in three places at one time -- that is: In our past, in our present situation, and in our future -- all at one time.

  That means, I am paying attention.. that means I have a stake in this.  that means, I am responsible.  And in many cases, that also means, I am going to do my best... what ever that is...

  Moving Forward Now...

Consider this for Example:

  What is Accountability?  In Psychology, Accountability is the condition of having to answer, explain, or justify one's actions or beliefs to another (person).  It often includes the possibility that you will be held responsible and (even) punished if your acts cannot be justified, or (even) rewarded if your actions are justified (Accountability Defined)

  In Health and Social Care in the UK,  Accountability means being responsible to someone (including yourself), or being responsible for some action, and that you are able to explain what you do.  Being accountable therefore involves being prepared to describe and justify (or account for) your actions to others so that they can decide whether you have fulfilled what is expected of you. (Accountability Meaning).

  In Law according to some people, Accountability refers to the processes, norms, and structures that hold the population and public officials legally responsible for their actions and that impose sanctions if they violate the law.

  Accountability is essential if systemic threats to the rule of law are to be corrected. 

  This involves ensuring (that) there are consequences for  criminal behavior; mechanisms to address impunity for past crimes; and horizontal accountability (state institutions overseeing the actions of one another (state institution) and vertical accountability ((meaning) citizens overseeing the actions of the state). (Accountability to the Law).

  In Philosophy: “Accountability demands that a person be a moral interlocutor (a critical thinker); being a moral interlocutor requires that a person is alert to moral reasons in favor of or against the behavior in question and requires that a person is a discursive (reasonable and/or rational) partner.” (Source.)

 

So Then, What is Accountability in Domestic Violence: A Specific Type of Accountability?

  According to the Colorado Domestic Violence Offender Management Board's "Standards for Domestic Violence Offender Treatment" (2020) Accountability has a DV-Specific definition in Section G. 

  It means: "Offender Accountability (Refer to 4.0 Appendix) is defined as accepting responsibility for one’s abusive behaviors, including accepting the consequences of those behaviors, actively working to repair the harm, and preventing future abusive behavior. 

  Accountability goes beyond taking ownership; it is taking corrective actions to foster safety and health for the victim.  The offender demonstrates behavioral changes to alleviate the impact of offender’s abusive words and/or actions regardless of the influence of anyone else’s words or actions (Refer to 4.0 Appendix). 

So Then, What Is Accountability Moving Forward: Real-Time Accountability

  The Concept of :Real-Time, per Word-Hippo when something is Real-Time, it is essentially: "Existing, happening, or done at the same time. concurrent. immediate. instantaneous. actual."  

  Meanwhile, Real-Time Accountability might also include having Full Awareness, Attention to Impact on Self and on Others.  And a sense of  Empathy at the same time as the event.  

  With Real-Time Accountability is me being accountable before, during and after something that happens... so as to hopefully be able to prevent it from happening.

    According to the DVOMB, Another way to put Accountability would be that: 

• We Recognize and eliminate all minimizations of abusive behavior.  Without prompts, we identify our own abusive behaviors. 

• We Demonstrate full ownership for our actions and (we) accept the consequences of these actions (Bancroft & Silverman, 2002). 

• We demonstrate an understanding of patterns for past abusive actions and we acknowledge the need to plan for future self-management -- without abuse.  And further we agree to create the structure that makes accountability possible (Pence & Paymar, 1993). 

• We accept that our partner or former partner, and our children may continue to challenge us regarding past or current behaviors.  (In short, they might want to talk about our Offense long after we are tired of it.  But we really must entertain that... for everyone's sake).

• And Should we behave abusively in the future, we consider it our responsibility to report those behaviors honestly to our friends, relatives, and/or to our probation officer, and/or to others who will hold us accountable. (Bancroft and Silverman, 2002) (Colorado D.V.O.M.B., p. 41, (Colorado D.V.O.M.B. Standards)).  

• So does this mean that I got to rat myself out?  No.  What it means is that sometimes we do a lot better if we can share things we did with other people with whom we can speak honestly about it.  And they can in turn, reflect for us, what they are seeing.  And sometimes that can be very helpful.

  And there is also another part of Accountability  -- this part could be Accountability for things that turned out to be good.  It can also grow exponentially.  For example, the more accountable we are with ourselves and others, the more we are trusted and respected by others.  And the more we do the same for ourselves.  We end up being more confident and that can be a very good thing.

  So pat yourself on the back and take more Accountability as you go.  This is Real-Time Accountability.  When we take Accountability as we are moving forward, we are doing Real-Time Accountability.  We can do this!

  To put it bluntly --- Accountability is frequently the Pre-Cursor to Positive Change in Relationships.  In other words, one has to have Accountability in order to make meaningful change.

            So again; Are you ready for Accountability? 

  If so, tell me this: What does Accountability mean to you?  

  Remember, the ultimate idea here is to learn how to hold ourselves accountable in Real-Time.

 

Please Consider the following Quotes about accountability:

• “When I’m at the bottom looking up, the main question may not be ‘how do I get out of this hole?’ In reality, the main question might be ‘how do I get rid of the shovel that I used to dig it?”
• ― Craig D. Lounsbrough, A View from the Front Porch: Encounters with Life and Jesus

 -- Dr. B says: So if I am in a hole so to speak; chances are I helped dig the hole myself.  So I need to be accountable for the problem and for the solution.  Right???

 

• “A body of men holding themselves accountable to nobody ought not to be trusted by anybody.”
• ― Thomas Paine

 

• “What if we had to give an account each night before we went to sleep of the one thing that we did to make life brighter for someone else? 
• -- Catherine Pulsifer”

 

• “Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is you who will get you where you want to go, no one else.”
• ― Les Brown

-- Dr. B adds, Though others often make a tremendous difference in our successes; we are ultimately responsible for our primary drive in life.

 

• “If you think someone or something other than yourself is responsible for your happiness or success, I'd guess you're not that happy or successful.”
• ― Rob Liano

 

• "How can we resent the life we've created for ourselves? Who's to blame, who's to credit, but us? Who can change it, any time we wish, but us?"
• -- Richard Bach, Poems about Life

Becoming a Life-Long Learner:

  If I am not learning what to do; I ought to be learning what not to do.  

  Another idea here in our search for Accountability could be to become a Life-Long Learner about "How to have Healthy and More Fulfilling Relationships in Real-Time."

  If I really want to have a better life with a higher quality of relationships, then I should probably start now.  And few things can help get something started like good information.  There is no time like now to begin learning about this important topic.  There are many sources.  

  For example, anyone with a Smart Phone, with Google or some other Search Engine; has a ton of knowledge at their fingertips.  Just pick up your cell phone and type in "How to have a healthy Relationship."

  Full Accountability and recognition of the influences and contributions of others might just be some of the keys to having a more fulfilling life as well as happier and healthier relationships.

  Think about it.. we are more genuine -- when we are more ourselves -- particularly when we are not blaming anyone.  And we are taking our accountability in-hand in real time and essentially doing accountability with every breath.

Finally:

  In order to complete DV Offender Treatment, in Dr. B's DV Offender Treatment Program one must successfully complete and present a satisfactory Accountability Letter.  

  One of the reasons that DV Offender Treatment often takes more than six months is because an Accountability letter (even the practice letter you are doing today) should demonstrate that we are taking full Accountability for our DV Offense.  

  Attached is a copy of a very brief Accountability Letter Practice Outline Worksheet.  Please take a few minutes and fill in the answers to the questions on this Worksheet and then press "Submit" in order to hand them in to Dr. B.  

  Then we can discuss your level of Accountability in a future Session.  

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Remember: All of the Assigned Worksheets that are listed at the bottom of the Weekly Blog Post Really Must Be Completed That Week.  This Week's Assignements are Below:

 *** Please click here in order to complete 

      the Practice Accountability Letter Worksheet. *** 

  *** Click Here to Complete you Newest Personal Change Plan  ***  This will help show that you are truly willing and able to Take Accountability.

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  Have a Wonderful Week!  And Don't forget to pay for your Sessions at the PayPal / Debit / Credit Card Buttons on the Top-Right of the BLOG.

(Originally Published 4/20/2020; Revised 2/5/2024.)

Sources:

Psychology (2020), Retrieved 4/17/2020 from: Accountability Defined

Checkland et al, (2004), Retrieved 4/17/2020 from: Accountability Meaning

U.S. Institute of Peace , Retrieved 4/17/2020 from: Accountability to the Law