The Phenomenon of Jealousy and How it Relates to Domestic Violence

 What is Jealousy?

  Jealousy can be different things to different people.  There could be a situation where one is jealous; or could be a situation where one is troubled by a partner who is struggling with jealousy.  

  One might say that Jealousy is largely about distrust, suspicion, insecurity, fear, loss, pain, paranoia, betrayal, obsession, anger and sometimes eventually stalking and/or violence.  Jealousy is typically not a good thing.

 “It is important to distinguish between envy and jealousy in relationship. How do they differ? Being envious means feeling angry, frustrated, or left out because someone else has something you don't (have). (Whereas) Being jealous is about the fear of losing something (or more typically, someone) that you do have to a third person.”  (SOURCE.)  

 When is Jealousy Unhealthy?

  “When jealousy is intense or irrational, the story is very different. Irrational or excessive jealousy is often a warning sign of a potentially abusive relationship."

  Eventually, jealous people feel so overwhelmed by their emotions and insecurities and other possible psychosocial issues that they exert intense) control over their partners. "They may resort to financial abuse, verbal bullying, and violence to maintain control and alleviate or mask their feelings.

  Unhealthy jealousy is sometimes rooted in fear of abandonment and a worry about not being truly loved.2 Unhealthy jealousy is other characterized by:

Being paranoid about what a partner is doing or feeling

Demanding an account of where a partner has been

Displaying unusual insecurity and fear

Engaging in storytelling and making accusations that are not true

Excessively questioning a partner's behaviors and motives

Following or stalking a partner to confirm their whereabouts

Infringing on a partner's freedom or prohibiting them from seeing friends or family

Reading emails and texts or listening to voicemails expecting to discover infidelity or a lie. 3

  (Source.) Ligman K, Rodriguez LM, Rocek G. Jealousy and electronic intrusion mediated by relationship uncertainty in married and cohabiting couples during Covid-19. Cyberpsychol Behav Soc Netw. 2021;24(7):444-449. doi:10.1089/cyber.2020.0669 Texting a partner non-stop when the couple is apart”  

 

People sometimes act irrationally when they are Jealous.  Why?

  People often tend to get very emotional -- if not just very volatile when they ware jealous.   Perhaps the jealousy itself is grounded in a deep emotional wound that they have.  “Theoretically, the  more irrational a person gets jealous… (throwing tantrums etc ..)… the ore likely this person has early childhood issues...“  (Source.)

 On the other hand, some Jealousy is just about power and control and fear of loss. 

 

What Percent of people get Jealous?

  “One study of married couples who sought relationship counseling found that 79% of men and 66% of women defined themselves as jealous.”  (Source).

  

Why do people get Jealous?

“Because they don’t know how to deal with the emotions that they are experiencing... Like perhaps they are afraid of losing their partner and as it gets more intense, they don't know how to handle it.

  Emotions in jealousy can include: Fear, Anger, Anxiety, Nervousness, Envy, Confusion, Loss, Rivalry… Intensity  (Source.)

What Causes Jealousy?

  Some of the causes of jealousy could be: “Anxiety, Attachment issues. Insecurity, Borderline personality disorder, Paranoia, Fear, Lack of confidence and/or Neuroticism” (Source).

 

Is Jealousy always Negative? 

  Jealousy is probably typically negative.  Whereas, at some other times, it could be a motivator for self-improvement -- like motivates a jealous mate to get sober and stay sober, or motivates him to go to school and develop more of a career, and/or it motivates her to start taking better care of herself.  On the other hand, some say that: “Jealousy also heightens emotions, making love feel stronger. In small, manageable doses, jealousy can be a positive force in a relationship”  (Source.). 

 

One way to try and keep Jealousy from going too Negative might be by using Cognitive Defusion:  Click to Watch Video Here.

(Video By Kyira Wackett)

Characteristics of Jealousy?

“While it’s typically perceived as a negative emotion, it is natural to experience jealousy in a close relationship. You may feel suspicious jealousy or reactive jealousy.

The former is based on perception and is often tied to low self-esteem and insecurity, and the latter is based on situations that actually threaten the relationship and is often tied to actions or situations that lead to or cause the betrayal of trust.2

Jealousy can lead to other emotions or feelings. Psychiatrist Nereida Gonzalez-Berrios, MD, explains how jealousy can manifest in relationships:

Acting obsessive

Criticizing

Fault finding

Blaming

Feeling distrust

Being overprotective or suspicious

Experiencing a quick temper

Verbally abusing (Source.).

 

Some Basic Types of Jealousy

Projection Jealousy  --  I'm doing it, so she must be doing it too.

Morbid Jealousy – Othello Syndrome -- An unfounded ongoing belief that no matter who my partner is, she or he is cheating.

And other kinds of Jealousy might include a variety of types  "While there are many forms of jealousy, there are two main categories: normal and abnormal jealousy. The six main types, described by Dr. Gonzalez-Berrios, are:

Rational jealousy: When there is genuine, reasonable doubt, especially when you love a partner and fear losing them, rational jealousy can occur.

Family jealousy: This typically occurs between family members, such as siblings. When a new baby is born, a sibling may feel jealous as the attention of the parents shifts to the new baby, for example.

Pathological jealousy: This type of jealousy is irrational. Unhealthy feelings may result from an underlying mental health disorder such as anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or schizophrenia. Signs of pathological jealousy can include extreme insecurity, as well as a desire to control and manipulate.  (This could include Morbid Jealousy.)

Sexual jealousy: When there is fear that a partner has been unfaithful and has engaged in physical infidelity, you may become suspicious.

Romantic jealousy: This can result from a real or imagined threat to a romantic relationship, resulting in jealous thoughts or reactions.

Power jealousy: This type of jealousy stems from personal insecurity. You may be jealous of someone who has what you want. When a coworker receives a promotion or a reward that you wish to receive, for example, you may become jealous.

Studies conducted on heterosexual romantic relationships found that men tend to feel jealous over a third party’s dominance and are more concerned about sexual infidelity, whereas women tend to feel jealous of a third party’s attractiveness and are more concerned about emotional infidelity.5

(Source).

 

Jealousy and Mental Health

  "Certain mental health conditions can also play a role in feelings of jealousy. Conditions that might be linked to this emotion include:

Anxiety disorders

Attachment issues

Borderline personality disorder (BPD)

Depression

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)

Paranoia

Psychosis

Schizophrenia

  If you are experiencing intense jealousy and other symptoms that cause distress or interfere with your ability to function normally, it is important to talk to your doctor or mental health professional.  (Source).

 

How Can Jealousy Relate to Domestic Violence?

Under: "HOW CAN JEALOUSY LEAD TO VIOLENCE?"  The Author(s) wrote: 

“Abusers often use jealousy as a tool for control, monitoring their partner's every move and isolating them from family and friends. This controlling behavior can escalate quickly, leading to emotional and physical abuse.”  (Source).

  Often where there is jealousy a-foot, trust is at its lowest point and this often leads to numerous types of emotionally, verbally and/or physically abusive behaviors.

 “Abusers often use jealousy as a tool for control, monitoring their partner's every move and isolating them from family and friends. This controlling behavior can escalate quickly, leading to emotional and physical abuse.

  In some cases, jealousy can spiral into violent behavior, leading to tragic outcomes such as domestic violence, and even homicide. Regrettably, incidents of domestic and family violence are on the rise"  (Data From Queensland Police Service responding to 138,871 occurrences of such violence in the community during the 2021/22 Financial Year). (Source.).

  Jealousy can begin out of genuine concern for a partner; and eventually lead to violence if it goes down the wrong road.

"The cycle of violence

Jealousy can play a significant role in perpetuating the cycle of violence in an abusive relationship. In the early stages, an abusive partner may look for any reason to start a fight, often resorting to possessiveness, jealousy and attempts to control the other person’s behaviour.

These actions can intensify tensions and escalate into physical, emotional, or verbal abuse in the next phase. At times, the abuser may express remorse and seek forgiveness, using apologies, gifts, or promises to convince the victim to stay in the relationship.

It’s a vicious cycle that repeats itself, with jealousy and possessiveness present in each phase. Recognising these signs early on and seeking help to break the cycle of violence can be a crucial step towards your safety and well-being."  (Source.).

The red flags of jealousy

Identifying these behaviors in a romantic relationship and noting they are problematic is an incredibly difficult thing to do. However, it is up to all of us to recognize the potential signs of relationship abuse (and support those who are experiencing it). Some of these early warning signs include a partner:

Monitoring your every move

Expecting immediate responses to texts and calls

Isolating you from family and friends

Belittling or controlling your behaviour

Blaming you for their actions or emotions

Using threats or intimidation to control you

Ultimately, if you find yourself changing your behaviour so that the person you’re dating doesn’t become angry, that is a clear sign of an unhealthy relationship.” (Source.).

How does one Fix Jealousy?

“Trace it back to its source.”

“Talk to a trusted friend.

Practice gratitude for what you have.

Practice in-the-moment coping techniques -- DBT

Explore underlying issues

Remember your own value

Practice mindfulness.

Give it time.

Talk to a therapist  

(Try to have better self esteem) To combat low self-esteem:

  Remind yourself of things you do well.

  Practice self-compassion (in other words, treat yourself the way you would a close friend).

  Practice daily affirmations or exchange them with your partner.

  Remind yourself of the things you value in your partner and relationship.

  Make time to do things you enjoy.”  (Source).  (Source.)