DENIAL: What Does My Denial Look Like?

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 The DVOMB Core Competencies states that every person with a DV Offense MUST do the Following:

"E. We have to Accept full responsibility for our actions

 1. Disclose our History of abuse

 2. Put a Stop to our denial and minimization

 3. Increase our self-disclosure over time

 4. Accept our responsibility for the impact of the abuse on others

 5. Recognize that our abusive behavior is unacceptable"

REQUIREMENTS?

  >>> Give A Genuine Response versus a Pretend Response

  >>> Denial can be a majorly simple concept.  However, the sticky webs of Denial that our minds construct can be quite complicated.  So in order to simplify it, Today, we are discussing these particular questions: 

What is Denial: 

Denial might be a state in which we sometimes get stuck.  Sometimes we get stuck because we don't know any better.  Other times we get stuck because we don't want to change.

  AI Suggests that “In psychology, denial is a defense mechanism that causes a person to refuse to acknowledge or recognize objective facts or experiences.  It's an unconscious process that can help people cope with difficult situations that might otherwise make them feel afraid, ashamed, depressed, or worried.” (SOURCE.)

  Psychology Today and Very Well Mind suggest that: “Denial is a type of defense mechanism that involves ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety. 

  Defense mechanisms are strategies that people use to cope with distressing feelings. In the case of denial, it can involve not acknowledging reality or denying the consequences of that reality” (SOURCE).

  Oxford Reference suggests that Denial is: “a psychological process in which an individual refuses to accept an aspect of reality despite robust evidence of this. It is seen particularly in dying patients who refuse to accept their impending death and in those who have problems with alcohol or drug dependency.” (SOURCE.)

  In Social Work, “Denial is a type of defense mechanism that involves ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety. 

  In the case of denial, it can involve not acknowledging reality or denying the consequences of that reality.”

  Denial often protects us from the bitter realities of our life. 

 Harvard Health Publishing suggests that Denial involves the following:

  “What is denial?  In psychological terms, denial is a defense mechanism, a skillful tool the mind can employ when things get tough. "I see it as a protective barrier we have that we might or might not be aware of," Scholl says. "It keeps us safe. It also keeps us from looking at ourselves or addressing something around us and making a change."

  In other words, you can be in denial about something that you're not ready to admit or take on; or you can be in denial about something that challenges deeply held beliefs.

  A Lot Of Times, Our Things We Should Probably Be Aware of or Remember Accurately Either get Repressed or Suppressed and so we don't recall them for a long time. But other times, we triggered by some sort of reminder.  And next thing we know, our Trauma comes to the front.   

Common triggers that can make one recall something that they one has held in denial can involve

• abuse (mental, emotional, physical, verbal, sexual, financial, or other types of abuse)
• alcohol in excess or other substance use, or substance use disorder
• lifestyle or family issues
• medical diagnoses
• mental health issues
• politics
• smoking
• unhealthy weight gain.

How does denial help us?

  Denial can shield us from difficult emotions. Scholl says that might be helpful in the short term, and provide relief to people who don't have the bandwidth or ability to face a problem.

  For example, maybe someone is unhappy in a relationship, but the thought of being alone is worse than the thought of being together -- (Even when they are abusive). Or perhaps someone is burned out or overwhelmed, and lacks the energy or emotional capacity for accepting what's happening. "Part of the person feels it's easier not to think about the situation, and lets it go because it feels like it's too much to handle right now," Scholl says.

 

How can denial hurt us?

  In dangerous or unhealthy situations, denial can hurt us.  How?  Because, sometimes we stay in situations that could cause us (or someone else) serious harm; yet we stay anyway.  We take risks that are probably not good for us.  

  For example, keeping our eyes shut about the realities of a physical or mental illness can lead to serious health consequences. "We see a lot of teens with depression and substance use disorders, and some parents deny there are problems because they're afraid of what it means for the child. It comes from a place of worry," Scholl says. "But denying problems can hurt children and block them from making meaningful change."

  Denial can also hurt when it involves addiction or abuse (as well). Those problems affect everyone in a family, and can lead to unhealthy patterns that get passed down from one generation to the next.

 

Spotting behavior patterns that suggest denial

  People in denial often exhibit certain behaviors. For example, they might:

  >>> minimize or justify problems, issues, or unhealthy behaviors; or 

  >>> avoid thinking about their problems -- by using, alcohol, drugs or sex -- or even gambling; or 

            >>> avoid taking responsibility for unhealthy behaviors, or        blame them on someone else; and 

>>> refuse to talk about certain issues, and get defensive when the subjects are brought up. 

 

     Moving from denial toward meaningful change

Dealing with denial means first recognizing that it's occurring — which can be a challenge for anyone — and then addressing the underlying issue that's causing it.

  If you recognize denial in yourself, Scholl advises that you reach out for help. Talk to someone close to you or get an outside opinion from a therapist, a spiritual counselor, your doctor, or a hotline number, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline if you're experiencing intimate partner violence. For addiction problems, make that first call to a substance use disorder hotline or recovery center, or try attending just one meeting of a 12-step program (such as Alcoholics Anonymous). In time, you can learn to face your fears or concerns, and develop a concrete plan to change.

Recognizing denial in others: Tread carefully

  If you recognize denial in others and you'd like to point it out, tread very carefully. Seek guidance from experts before taking on a situation that could be dangerous to you or to the other person.

  If the situation is not dangerous, be as compassionate as possible. "Have a warm and empathetic conversation in an environment without distractions," Scholl says. "Express your love and point out what you're seeing. Talk about how it affects you. And then give it time. You can't force anyone to change. All you can do is plant a seed.” (SOURCE.)

DENIAL IN DV:

  "Denial of responsibility takes place when the abuser attempts to shift blame from themselves on to others. The abuser denies responsibility by claiming the abusive act was an accident, or by arguing that it was secondary to stress, alcohol, or just a bad day."  

  In Psychology Today, Lamber (2024) writes about: "Denial for the Perpetrator and Survivor of Intimate Partner Abuse"  (She also separates the ideas of Perpetrator Denial versus Survivor Denial):

  "A Perpetrator’s Denial looks like The coercive partner who seeks to be in charge in an intimate relationship utilizes many tactics to obtain and maintain this power. Central to this stance is the defense of externalization that shows up as excessive blaming and holding their partner responsible. Attempts by their partner to speak up about their perspective or push back results in them often being accused of being the abusive one or the “gaslighter.” Thus, the abuser sustains a deep denial of their hurtful abusive behavior sidestepping taking any responsibility at all costs."

  "A Survivor’s Denial looks like "The recipient of psychological abuse from an intimate partner usually doesn’t see or experience coercion at the beginning of the relationship. In part, it’s intentionally not demonstrated by the interested partner who is “courting” to win over someone of interest. It’s often a slow and insidious process where coercive intents are embedded in seemingly normal behavior that can be missed. Eventually, it shows up in earnest upon living together, marriage, pregnancy, or the birth of the first child.

  Concurrently, a coercive partner’s behavior fluctuates and can be “kind and caring” at times. It’s during these times when the person they met while “courting” might appear to have returned—giving hope for lasting change—that denial of the previous hurtful behavior kicks in. Sadly, these favorable periods never last and only serve to offer ongoing intermittent hope and reinforce denial of the abuse." (Source).

  So Denial is kind of like a Double-Edged Sword.  It can help one through a difficult time, by reducing the initial shock of a tragedy.  But it can also be extremely costly and even dangerous if one does not realize the danger prior to it being too late to change course. 

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NOW: Complete Your Session Feedback Forms Here

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Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.
      Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan -- especially if you have not completed on in the past 10 weeks.        

* Please Click Here to Work on Another Treatment Plan. *

(c. 2020-2024, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

Types of Domestic Violence / Family Violence / Inter-Personal Violence / Intimate Partner Violence

The DVOMB Core Competencies state:

J. Ability to define types of DV

  1. Defines: coercion, controlling behavior, psychological emotional, sexual, physical, animal abuse, property,

financial, isolation... all types of DV.

  2. Identifies specific types of DV engaged in

  3. Demonstrate understanding of DV by giving examples

  4. Defines continuum of behavior from healthy to abusive

What is Domestic Violence?  

  I cannot tell you how many people get charged with Domestic Violence, yet when I interview them, they claim they could never have committed Domestic Violence.  Yet, they proceed to tell me a story that includes the current legal definition of DV.  It seems this could be as good a time as any to talk about what DV is, right?  
  

According to the Colorado Bar Association: The Current Definition of Domestic violence includes the idea that it is a pattern of (feeling, thinking) and behavior in which one person attempts to control another (person) through threats or actual use of physical, verbal, or psychological violence or sexual assault on their current or past intimate partner. (Source FVPF2) 

According to the Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence, regarding the Types of Domestic Violence:  “When the general public thinks about domestic violence, they usually think in terms of physical assault that results in visible injuries to the victim. This is only one type of abuse. There are several categories of abusive behavior, each of which has its own devastating consequences. Lethality involved with physical abuse may place the victim at higher risk, but the long term destruction of personhood that accompanies the other forms of abuse is significant and cannot be minimized.  Please explore the following sections to learn more about how to identify domestic violence.”

A list of Types of Abuse could include but should not be limited to:

• Coercion
• Controlling Behavior
• Physical Abuse
• Sexual Abuse
• Emotional Abuse & Intimidation
• Isolation
• Verbal Abuse: Coercion, Threats, & Blame
• Using Male Privilege
• Animal Abuse
• Property Abuse
• Economic Abuse
• Digital Abuse
• Stalking  (Source).

Check out this Video/Audio about Power and Control and Domestic Violence.

According to the Colorado D.V.O.M.B. Standards:

  All DV Offenders need to have the ability to define types of domestic violence.  We also need to be able to:

1. Define coercion, controlling behavior and all types of domestic violence (psychological, emotional, sexual, physical, animal abuse, property, financial, isolation, (digital, and Social)).
2. To Identify in detail the specific types of domestic violence that we engaged in, and the destructive impact of that behavior on our partner and our children (or anyone else involved) (Pence & Paymar, 1993; SAFE JeffCo., 2002).
3. To Demonstrate cognitive understanding of the types of domestic violence as evidenced by giving examples and accurately label situations (SAFE JeffCo, 2002)."
4. To Define a continuum of Relationship-Related Feelings, Thinking and Behavior from healthy to abusive.

Where do my Thoughts and Behaviors fall on 

   a Continuum of Relationship-Related Feelings? 

          Healthy                                                     Abusive

Thinking & Behavior                    Thinking & Behavior

             ^^^ ---------------------------------------------------^^^

    

Breaking it Down Just a Little Bit More:

Domestic Violence: This term is also defined in Section 18-6-800.3(1), C.R.S. and is expanded to include the following definitions for the purpose of the approved provider's use in treatment:

1. Physical violence: aggressive behavior including but not limited to hitting, pushing or grabbing, choking, scratching, pinching, restraining, slapping, pulling, hitting with weapons or objects, shooting, stabbing, damaging property or pets, or threatening to do so.
2. Sexual violence: forcing someone to perform any sexual act without consent.
3. Psychological violence: intense and repetitive degradation, creating isolation, and controlling the actions or behaviors of another person through intimidation (such as stalking or harassing) or manipulation to the detriment of the individual.
4. Economic Deprivation/Financial Abuse: use of financial means to control the actions or behaviors of another person. This may also include such acts as withholding funds, taking economic resources from our intimate partner, and using funds to manipulate or control our intimate partner.

But it really goes much Deeper, correct???

Question: What did I think I was doing when I did my DV Offense?  

Did I think I was committing DV?

Did I Really Make A Choice to Commit DV?; Or Did I Make A Choice to Do Something Aggressive and/or Threatening in order to Try and Get My Way?:

  Violent and abusive behavior is typically viewed as the abuser’s choice: Typically, just before we commit domestic violence, we do make a (sometimes hasty) decision about what we want, and how to get it.  And we do this even when we are intoxicated.  We just might not remember it.

  Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is technically not considered to be due to our loss of control over our behavior.  Abusive behavior and violence is frequently viewed as a deliberate choice made by a person (or an abuser) in order to take control of the situation and/or the relationship.  And at the very least; for persons who are intoxicated when it happened, DV is a result of the poor choice to become intoxicated.

The Fact is that Most Domestic Violence is about Power and Control, Right:

  DV is frequently about using Power to gain Control over a situation or a person; Or it is about using Control to gain some sense of Power over a Person or a Situation.  

  According to the Power and Control Wheels from which much of the current thinking about DV has come: DV Can Include any or all of the following behaviors:

• Intimidation 
• Emotional Abuse 
• Minimizing, Denying and Blaming:
• Using Children: 
• Economic / Financial Abuse:
• Using Male Privilege -- And possibly Female Privilege in some cases: 
• Coercion and Threats:
• Physical Abuse:
• Sexual Abuse:
• Psychological Abuse:
• Parental Alienation
• Animal abuse:
• Property Abuse:
• Jealousy (Using Isolation):
• Social Abuse / Reputation Abuse:
• Digital Abuse / Online stalking or trolling or Harassment on FB or elsewhere:
• Manipulation:
• Trying to gain Respect through Fear.

Watch or Listen to this Video about the Power and Control Wheel.

Question: What might make a certain behavior into DV?

Some Specifics About Different Types of DV from the Victim's Point of View.

 

 Think about it: What does DV  Look Like from the Point of View of the Victim(s)?

Emotional abuse: It’s often a bigger problem than we think.

  When people think of domestic abuse, we often picture battered women who has been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve physical violence.  Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused.  Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked — even by the person being abused.

Understanding emotional abuse:  The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at  our feelings of self-worth and independence.  If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

  Emotional abuse can include: verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse.   Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

  We may naturally think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send us to the hospital and leave us with scars.  But many survivors say that the scars of emotional abuse are also very real, and they run deep too. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse — sometimes even more so.

Also Some Abuse is About the Money:  Economic or financial abuse:  A subtle form of emotional abuse.  Remember, an abuser’s goal is often to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so.  Economic or financial abuse can include:

 Rigidly controlling your finances.

 Withholding money or credit cards.

 Making you account for every penny you spend.

 Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

 Restricting you to an allowance.

 Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

 Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly).

 Stealing from you or taking your money.

 Watch or Listen to This Video about Domestic Violence

 Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power.  Some of these tactics are very effective and leave lasting damages and scars in their wake:

1.  Dominance –  Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. Sometimes, they will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may even treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
2.  Humiliation –  An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave.  Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
3.  Isolation –  In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world.  He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school.  You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
4.  Threats –  Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, or to harm or kill your children, or other family members, or even pets.  He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, threaten to file false charges against you, or to report you to child services.
5.  Intimidation –  Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
6.  Denial and blame –  Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

On the other Hand, there are times when a Woman can be Abusive as well.  What about a case where a Woman is the Abuser?

  From "10 Signs of an Abusive Wife and How to Deal with It" By Sylvia Smith, Expert Blogger Verified Marriage & Family Therapist Approved By Angela Welch, LMFT (7 May, 2021).

  According to this author, some of Women's types of abuse can include:

Controlling behavior

Verbal abuse

Violence

Extreme jealousy

Unreasonable reactions

Isolation

Instills fear

Blames everyone else

Gaslighting

Inability to handle criticism

(Source).

Discussion Question: What Tactics Have I Used to Take Control?  Did it work?:

*** Please CLICK HERE, to Complete your Types of DV Worksheet. ***

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NOW: Complete Your Session Feedback Forms Here

          -- Always look for the American Flag!

Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.
      Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan -- especially if you have not completed on in the past 10 weeks.        

* Please Click Here to Work on Another Treatment Plan. *

(c. 2020-2024, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

(Originally Posted, 8/28/2020)

Sources: https://www.cobar.org/index.cfm/ID/21062

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#emotional

(For info on DV in LBGTQ Relationships: http://www.humanservices.alberta.ca/documents/NCN1375-abuse-in-same-sex-LGBTQ-relationships-booklets.pdf)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Making Positive Changes In Order to Prevent Domestic Violence in the Future

  Regardless of how we each feel about our particular Domestic Violence Offense; the facts are that we each have been ordered by a Court to successfully complete DV Treatment. We are each unique as Human Beings.  And we each come to this Domestic Violence Treatment Program out of different backgrounds, different types of Relationships, and with different thoughts and feelings about the process itself.  

  Certainly, we all come from diverse backgrounds, and our reasons for being in this session today are different as well.  And Diversity most certainly seems to be extremely important to the survival of the Human Species.  

  Still in all there are common threads that pull us together.  As it was affirmed by President John Fitzgerald Kennedy, who during a Commencement Address at the American University in Washington, DC on June 10, 1963 -- just months before his assassination – said to the hopeful Graduates and Faculty:  

 “So, let us not be blind to our differences--but let us also direct attention to our common interests and to the means by which those differences can be resolved. And if we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity.  For, in the final analysis, our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet.  We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. And we are all mortal” (Source).

The Purpose(s) of Domestic Violence Treatment:

  The primary purpose of Domestic Violence Offender Treatment is to help prevent the harms done by Domestic Violence to everyone who is directly or indirectly involved in Domestic Violence behavior -- either as a victim, a perpetrator, or as a witness.  

  The secondary purpose of Domestic Violence Offender Treatment is to help Domestic Violence Offenders to NEVER AGAIN commit Domestic Violence through helping them eliminate, or substantially reduce their Risk Factors and by showing them how to make positive changes to their Perceptions, Thinking, Feeling and Behavior that relates to Domestic Violence.     

  Another important part of Domestic Violence Offender Treatment is helping Domestic Violence Offenders to have Healthier Relationships with more positive outcomes.  

  And finally, yet another crucial part of this Treatment is to help Domestic Violence Offenders to develop more positive images of themselves through Support, Treatment and Education. 

  A byproduct of this treatment is to help DV Offenders to never again be accused of, arrested for, or charged with a Domestic Violence - related Offense. 

Admitting To The Problem Is Often The First Step

  By definition the word, PROBLEM, can be defined as: “a matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome” (Source).

  And just as with Alcoholism, Substance Dependency or other behavioral problems and diseases, in order to begin learning how to prevent this problem; we first must first admit that we have a problem.  

  If no one was harmed by what we were accused of doing in terms of Domestic Violence, and if we did not at all mind getting arrested, the handcuffs, sitting in jail, the jail food, those filthy showers, Jailhouse B.S., Court, all the costs associated, the Lawyer, the forms, getting printed, the fees we have to pay, the hopelessness and the fear, the shame and the guilt, the drug tests, probation or diversion officer meetings and eventually coming to see Dr. B.; then perhaps we do not really have "a Problem".  

  Of course, one would also have to consider whether or not one's DV-related Offense caused anyone else any sort of harm before being able to truly determine whether or not we have a problem.  

  If no harm or inconvenience to anyone involved can be identified -- I think it is safe to say that there is not necessarily an identified Problem here.  But still, given the Court Order, we need to work on it so that it can never happen again.

Realistic Change:

  It is important that we do not have Expectations that are either too High or too Low.  Positive Change can take a short time; or a very long time.  It's a step-by-step process -- or sometimes, it just kind of materializes.  However, once a person puts his or her foot down and says, "I need to make a change and I am ready to make this change -- Today!"; it is likely that their change is already happening.  And still -- more than likely -- there is a long way yet to go.

Making Changes for the Better: 

  The first part of making changes is knowing that a change needs to be made.  If a DV Offender truly believes that he or she has no changes that need to be made in their life, then a reasonable person might start to get curious as to why they feel that way.  How could a person get a DV-related charge and believe that all is well and there is no need for change?  In such cases, it might be that this person is what we could call "STUCK". 

  Or perhaps she or he feels like a Victim of the offense still and is not ready to become Accountable for the things he or she did; and then hopefully move toward making the changes needed to become a Survivor.  

  Becoming a Survivor requires being honest and accountable about one's self after taking a really good look at one's thinking, feeling and behaviors and how this DV Offense either involved or impacted one's self and others.

  A good look into one's life requires that one be assessed in terms of the following:

• One's Biological Issues / Physical Issues / Health Issues that may have contributed to their Offense in the Long-Term or in the Short-Term; (e.g.: Certain Disabilities that might contribute to the over-dependency on the other person; or increase the possibility of DV-related Behavior; or Chronic Illnesses that impact their lives, or even Brain Injuries that change they way we think and act);

• One's Psychological / Emotional / Perceptual or Thinking Issues that may have contributed to their Offense in the Long-Term or in the Short-Term; (e.g.: Paranoia, Learning Disabilities / Perceptual Disabilities (Hallucinations), PTSD, High Stress, Delusions, High Anxiety, Low Self-Esteem, Poor Anger Management skills, Major Depression, Bipolar Disorder (Mania or Extreme Depression), History of being abused or neglected as a child etc..);

• One's Substance Abuse or other Addiction-Related Issues that may have contributed to their Offense in the Long-Term or in the Short-Term; (e.g.: Spending all the money on drugs; Gets violent when they drink; or Ongoing Legal Problems, Antisocial Associates etc...);

• One's Social Issues that may have contributed to their Offense in the Long-Term or in the Short-Term; (e.g.: Explosive Temper; Rage, Extremely Isolative -- doesn't want partner to go out; Never Accountable, Doesn't keep commitments; Isolating partner from family; Unable to give partner space; Stalking partner; Dependent Personality; Unaware of one's own impact on others; Co-Dependency; Impatience, Too Controlling; Dishonesty);

• One's Spiritual Issues that may have contributed to their Offense in the Long-Term or in the Short-Term; (e.g.: Lacking a feeling of purpose in life; Extremely pessimistic / negative thinking all the time, Mis-Uses Faith to control partner, Over-estimates their own power, etc.. );

• One's Criminogenic Needs-related and Risk Factor-related Issues that may have contributed to their Offense in the Long-Term or in the Short-Term; (e.g.: Various issues including Previous DV or other Violence-related Charges; Lack of productivity or work; Antisocial Attitude (doesn't care who they hurt); Extremely negative influences; Habitual run-ins with Police; Theft; Uses others to get what they want, Disrespectful of the Rights of others, etc...); and/or

• One's Behavioral Issues that may have contributed to their Offense in the Long-Term or in the Short-Term: (e.g.: Acts without thinking; Very impulsive; Inattentive, Hyperactive, Intimidating, Difficulty Communicating, Unable to control behavior when upset).

  One should take a thorough inventory of these features (and/or others) in order to discover what changes need to be made so that they can prevent DV in the future.

Planning for Positive Change -- Where the Rubber Meets the ROAD!!!.

  In Planning for Positive Change, it is helpful if one considers how the issues discussed above might look when they meet one's day-to-day reality.  Think about the following questions in terms of how they might have contributed to your DV-Related Offense:

•   What are some people, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, circumstances or things in my life that contributed to me getting this DV Offense?

•   What are the people, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, circumstances or things that put me most at risk of having another DV-Type offense?

•   What are some changes I could make that could help prevent DV Offenses in the future?

•   What could my life look like if I made all of the right changes?  Different in a good way, Right?

Problem Solving -- Some possible Stages to Solving Our Problems could be:

1. Admit there is a Problem -- Take Accountability for what already happened.
2. Critically Assess the Problem -- Take Accountability for how it happened.
3. Try to determine Risk Factors and/or Causes related to the Problem -- Take Accountability for negative influences that you keep your life.
4. Brainstorm or Propose Options that could make the Problem much better -- Take Accountability for moving forward.
5. Inventory the available and/or needed Resources for solving the Problem.
6. Make a Plan of Attack for Solving the Problem.  Outline the steps to success.
7. Carry it out / Solve the Problem.
8. Assess the Progress Made.  Don't be afraid to be brutally honest with yourself about things that need to change.  
9. Re-Address the Problem over time as Needed.
10. Set up ways to Prevent the Problem from ever occurring again. -- Take Accountability for never letting it happen again.  Prevention.

In Closing: 

  Do not let yourself be frightened by the Morphing Process -- or Change itself.  Because, if there is one thing that is always happening in our lives, it is Change.  If you have Anxiety or Fear about making positive changes that could help prevent Domestic Violence; then try to relax and just know that the overall Goal here is for us to improve the quality of our Lives and our Relationships; and to decrease the likelihood of ever again having DV-type Feelings, DV-Type Thinking, or DV-Type Behaviors; much less a DV-related Charge.  This really can't be that bad; can it?

  Normally, we only do one Worksheet and one Session Feedback Form per session.  However, this week, we need to do a little more.  Please complete each of the three Worksheets below and the Session Feedback Form.  Thank you.

*** Please Click Here to Complete The What is My Problem Worksheet. ***

*** Please Click Here to Complete Your PERSONAL CHANGE PLAN Worksheet. ***

*** Please Click Here to Complete Your Treatment Planning Worksheet. ***

*** Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form. ***

(Originally published, Jan. 18, 2021).

Music that helps convey the message of this Presentation could be:

Ch Cha Cha Changes!!! (David Bowie)

Amy (Pure Prairie League)

Chain Gang (The Pretenders)

Don't let me Down (Beatles)

Sources: 

https://www.jfklibrary.org/archives/other-resources/john-f-kennedy-speeches/american-university-19630610

https://www.google.com/search?q=define+problem+definition&rlz=1C1GGRV_enUS751US751&oq=define+problem&aqs=chrome.3.69i57j0l3j0i395l4.7280j1j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

(c. 2021, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

DV In The News - For July 21, 2025

DV In The News Takes DV Theory to the Street.  

July 13th, 2025 --

  "DV In the news: Man started deadly Chicago fire because ex-girlfriend was dating friend: Prosecutors - Washington Times"

https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2025/jul/13/man-started-deadly-chicago-fire-ex-girlfriend-dating-friend/

"By Matt Delaney - The Washington Times - Sunday, July 13, 2025

Chicago prosecutors on Saturday said a man accused of killing four people by torching an apartment building started the blaze after learning his friend and his ex-girlfriend were dating.

Cook County prosecutors said Lontray Clark, 23, tossed a Molotov cocktail into the apartment complex last month and started a deadly fire that also injured four people, including a boy who is still fighting for his life. Mr. Clark’s ex-girlfriend and his friend escaped the fire.

Among those killed was pregnant mother Regina Brown Henry, 32; her son Jayceon Henry, 5; and Ms. Henry’s 28-year-old sister, Destiny Brown Henry. Authorities said Brad Cummings, 76, also died in the fire."

    ******************** 

Sun, Jul 20

Utah mother admits to luring husband to his death in fake self-defense plot with family

https://nypost.com/2025/07/20/us-news/utah-mother-admits-to-luring-husband-to-his-death-in-fake-self-defense-plot-with-family/ 

"A Utah woman admitted to conspiring to kill her husband with the help of her mother and brother, making the fatal shooting look like an act of self-defense.

Kathryn Restelli, 37, pleaded guilty to a reduced count of murder and conspiracy to commit murder for the death of Matthew Restelli, 34, her estranged husband who was shot dead at her family’s residence in American Fork last July, local KSL reported.

The mother of two told the court that she lured her husband to her mother’s home on July 12, 2024, with the promise of reconciling their relationship, telling him he was free to walk into the home unannounced.

Restelli and her family had set things up in such a way that they would accuse Matthew of breaking into their house, allowing Kevin Ellis, her brother, to shoot him and make a claim of self-defense, according to the plea statement.

Officers who arrived at the scene testified that they found Matthew with a knife in his hand, but its placement seemed unusual and raised doubts about the family’s self-defense claim.

Police said Matthew was gripping the knife in the wrong direction and that the weapon was in his right hand — despite the fact that he’s left-handed and that a bullet wound was centered on the wrist holding the blade.

Restelli’s mother, Tracey Grist, called 911 after the shooting, but the call from inside the house came minutes after a neighbor had already notified police, setting off more alarm bells.

Diane Restelli, Matthew’s mother, said her son was concerned after his wife took the kids and family truck to stay with her family in Utah.

Matthew had agreed to drive from his California residence to American Fork to pick up his family because Restelli told him she could not rent a vehicle to come back, Diane told the court.

Despite promising Matthew that the family would drive back together, police said Restelli had not packed anything for the supposed trip.

Restelli had also put a tracking device in Matthew’s truck to monitor his arrival and stayed in touch to make sure he would get to the house so her family would be ready to act, she admitted.

Grist allegedly prepared the home for the murder, which included covering the living room couch to prevent it from getting blood stains.

Along with pleading guilty to reduced count of murder and conspiracy to commit murder, Restelli was also hit with a Felony discharge of a firearm charge.

She is set to return to court on Sept. 9 for her sentencing, where she faces a maximum of life in prison."

  *********************************************

"UC Berkeley professor killed in Athens: Suspect claims he ‘did it all for’ victim’s ex-wife, leaked police confession reveals | CNN"

https://www.cnn.com/2025/07/20/europe/greece-murder-uc-berkeley-professor-jeziorski-intl

"UC Berkeley professor killed in Athens: Suspect claims he ‘did it all for’ victim’s ex-wife, leaked police confession reveals.

 CNN-- On the morning of July 4, an American marketing professor was walking towards his ex-wife’s house in Athens to pick up their two young children. It should have been an unremarkable, if strained visit – the couple had apparently been disputing the terms of custody arrangements.

But Przemyslaw Jeziorski never made it to the front door.

In broad daylight, in this typically quiet, suburban neighborhood of Greece’s capital, he was shot multiple times at close range, according to police. Jeziorski died where he fell, police said, his body riddled with gunshot wounds seen in grim photographs taken in the immediate aftermath.

As eyewitnesses rushed to his aid, the masked gunman fled.

The alleged perpetrator, arrested 12 days later: His ex-wife’s new partner. The motive, he told police: to prevent Jeziorski from taking away her children.

“I did it all for (her) and our children so that we could have a normal life without problems,” he said, according to a transcript of a statement he made to police in the aftermath of his arrest for premeditated murder as well as illegal possession and use of a weapon."

   ********************************************* 

"UN concerned by Taliban’s arrest of Afghan women and girls for dress code violations"

UN concerned by Taliban’s arrest of Afghan women and girls for dress code violations - ABC News

"The United Nations mission in Afghanistan has expressed concern about the Taliban's arrest of women and girls for alleged failure to comply with the authorities’ dress code"

"ISLAMABAD -- The United Nations on Monday expressed concern about the Taliban’s arrest of Afghan women and girls for their alleged failure to comply with the authorities’ dress code.

In May 2022, the Taliban government issued a decree calling for women to show only their eyes and recommending they wear a head-to-toe burqa. The Taliban, which returned to power in 2021, has cracked down on the way women dress and behave in public, notably through morality laws forbidding them to show their faces outside the home.

The U.N. mission in Afghanistan said it was concerned by the arrest of “numerous” women and girls in Kabul between July 16 and 19, who authorities claimed had not followed instructions on wearing the hijab, or the Islamic headscarf.

“These incidents serve to further isolate women and girls, contribute to a climate of fear, and erode public trust,” the mission added, without details including the number of arrests or the ages and where they have been held.

The U.N. mission urged the Taliban government to “ rescind policies and practices ” that restrict women and girls’ human rights and fundamental freedoms, particularly the ban on education beyond sixth grade.

A Taliban representative was not immediately available for comment.

In January 2024, the country's Vice and Virtue Ministry said it had arrested women in the Afghan capital for wearing “bad hijab.” A ministry spokesman, Abdul Ghafar Farooq, did not say how many women were arrested or what constituted bad hijab.

The U.N. mission said at the time it was looking into claims of ill treatment of the women and extortion in exchange for their release.

The Taliban took control of Afghanistan in August 2021 following the withdrawal of U.S. and NATO forces. Since then, the Taliban administration has sought international recognition while enforcing its interpretation of Islamic law. In July, Russia became the only country to grant formal recognition."

"Suspected Kentucky church shooter had a domestic violence hearing the next day"

Kentucky church shooting suspect had an upcoming domestic violence hearing | AP News

"By  BRUCE SCHREINER

Updated 4:55 PM MDT, July 14, 2025

The man accused of killing two women in a shooting rampage at a Kentucky church after wounding a state trooper had been expected in court for a domestic violence hearing on Monday, a local official said.

In a chilling account of Sunday’s attack, Star Rutherford, a relative of the two slain women, said Guy House went to the Lexington-area church looking for one of her sisters but was told she wasn’t there.

He declared: “Well I guess someone’s going to have to die then,” and shot her mother, 72-year-old Beverly Gumm, in the chest. Rutherford spoke to the Lexington-based broadcaster WKYT-TV. House later killed Christina Combs, who media reports said was another of Rutherford’s sisters. Two men were also critically wounded, police said Monday.

House went to Richmond Road Baptist Church seeking the mother of his children but his domestic violence hearing did not involve her, the Lexington Herald-Leader reported, citing Rachael Barnes. She identified Gumm and Combs, 34, as her mother and sister.

Matt Ball, a deputy clerk for family court in Fayette County, confirmed to The Associated Press that House had been scheduled for the domestic violence hearing on Monday."