DENIAL: What Does My Denial Look Like?

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 The DVOMB Core Competencies states that every person with a DV Offense MUST do the Following:

"E. We have to Accept full responsibility for our actions

 1. Disclose our History of abuse

 2. Put a Stop to our denial and minimization

 3. Increase our self-disclosure over time

 4. Accept our responsibility for the impact of the abuse on others

 5. Recognize that our abusive behavior is unacceptable"

REQUIREMENTS?

  >>> Give A Genuine Response versus a Pretend Response

  >>> Denial can be a majorly simple concept.  However, the sticky webs of Denial that our minds construct can be quite complicated.  So in order to simplify it, Today, we are discussing these particular questions: 

What is Denial: 

Denial might be a state in which we sometimes get stuck.  Sometimes we get stuck because we don't know any better.  Other times we get stuck because we don't want to change.

  AI Suggests that “In psychology, denial is a defense mechanism that causes a person to refuse to acknowledge or recognize objective facts or experiences.  It's an unconscious process that can help people cope with difficult situations that might otherwise make them feel afraid, ashamed, depressed, or worried.” (SOURCE.)

  Psychology Today and Very Well Mind suggest that: “Denial is a type of defense mechanism that involves ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety. 

  Defense mechanisms are strategies that people use to cope with distressing feelings. In the case of denial, it can involve not acknowledging reality or denying the consequences of that reality” (SOURCE).

  Oxford Reference suggests that Denial is: “a psychological process in which an individual refuses to accept an aspect of reality despite robust evidence of this. It is seen particularly in dying patients who refuse to accept their impending death and in those who have problems with alcohol or drug dependency.” (SOURCE.)

  In Social Work, “Denial is a type of defense mechanism that involves ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety. 

  In the case of denial, it can involve not acknowledging reality or denying the consequences of that reality.”

  Denial often protects us from the bitter realities of our life. 

 Harvard Health Publishing suggests that Denial involves the following:

  “What is denial?  In psychological terms, denial is a defense mechanism, a skillful tool the mind can employ when things get tough. "I see it as a protective barrier we have that we might or might not be aware of," Scholl says. "It keeps us safe. It also keeps us from looking at ourselves or addressing something around us and making a change."

  In other words, you can be in denial about something that you're not ready to admit or take on; or you can be in denial about something that challenges deeply held beliefs.

  A Lot Of Times, Our Things We Should Probably Be Aware of or Remember Accurately Either get Repressed or Suppressed and so we don't recall them for a long time. But other times, we triggered by some sort of reminder.  And next thing we know, our Trauma comes to the front.   

Common triggers that can make one recall something that they one has held in denial can involve

• abuse (mental, emotional, physical, verbal, sexual, financial, or other types of abuse)
• alcohol in excess or other substance use, or substance use disorder
• lifestyle or family issues
• medical diagnoses
• mental health issues
• politics
• smoking
• unhealthy weight gain.

How does denial help us?

  Denial can shield us from difficult emotions. Scholl says that might be helpful in the short term, and provide relief to people who don't have the bandwidth or ability to face a problem.

  For example, maybe someone is unhappy in a relationship, but the thought of being alone is worse than the thought of being together -- (Even when they are abusive). Or perhaps someone is burned out or overwhelmed, and lacks the energy or emotional capacity for accepting what's happening. "Part of the person feels it's easier not to think about the situation, and lets it go because it feels like it's too much to handle right now," Scholl says.

 

How can denial hurt us?

  In dangerous or unhealthy situations, denial can hurt us.  How?  Because, sometimes we stay in situations that could cause us (or someone else) serious harm; yet we stay anyway.  We take risks that are probably not good for us.  

  For example, keeping our eyes shut about the realities of a physical or mental illness can lead to serious health consequences. "We see a lot of teens with depression and substance use disorders, and some parents deny there are problems because they're afraid of what it means for the child. It comes from a place of worry," Scholl says. "But denying problems can hurt children and block them from making meaningful change."

  Denial can also hurt when it involves addiction or abuse (as well). Those problems affect everyone in a family, and can lead to unhealthy patterns that get passed down from one generation to the next.

 

Spotting behavior patterns that suggest denial

  People in denial often exhibit certain behaviors. For example, they might:

  >>> minimize or justify problems, issues, or unhealthy behaviors; or 

  >>> avoid thinking about their problems -- by using, alcohol, drugs or sex -- or even gambling; or 

            >>> avoid taking responsibility for unhealthy behaviors, or        blame them on someone else; and 

>>> refuse to talk about certain issues, and get defensive when the subjects are brought up. 

 

     Moving from denial toward meaningful change

Dealing with denial means first recognizing that it's occurring — which can be a challenge for anyone — and then addressing the underlying issue that's causing it.

  If you recognize denial in yourself, Scholl advises that you reach out for help. Talk to someone close to you or get an outside opinion from a therapist, a spiritual counselor, your doctor, or a hotline number, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline if you're experiencing intimate partner violence. For addiction problems, make that first call to a substance use disorder hotline or recovery center, or try attending just one meeting of a 12-step program (such as Alcoholics Anonymous). In time, you can learn to face your fears or concerns, and develop a concrete plan to change.

Recognizing denial in others: Tread carefully

  If you recognize denial in others and you'd like to point it out, tread very carefully. Seek guidance from experts before taking on a situation that could be dangerous to you or to the other person.

  If the situation is not dangerous, be as compassionate as possible. "Have a warm and empathetic conversation in an environment without distractions," Scholl says. "Express your love and point out what you're seeing. Talk about how it affects you. And then give it time. You can't force anyone to change. All you can do is plant a seed.” (SOURCE.)

DENIAL IN DV:

  "Denial of responsibility takes place when the abuser attempts to shift blame from themselves on to others. The abuser denies responsibility by claiming the abusive act was an accident, or by arguing that it was secondary to stress, alcohol, or just a bad day."  

  In Psychology Today, Lamber (2024) writes about: "Denial for the Perpetrator and Survivor of Intimate Partner Abuse"  (She also separates the ideas of Perpetrator Denial versus Survivor Denial):

  "A Perpetrator’s Denial looks like The coercive partner who seeks to be in charge in an intimate relationship utilizes many tactics to obtain and maintain this power. Central to this stance is the defense of externalization that shows up as excessive blaming and holding their partner responsible. Attempts by their partner to speak up about their perspective or push back results in them often being accused of being the abusive one or the “gaslighter.” Thus, the abuser sustains a deep denial of their hurtful abusive behavior sidestepping taking any responsibility at all costs."

  "A Survivor’s Denial looks like "The recipient of psychological abuse from an intimate partner usually doesn’t see or experience coercion at the beginning of the relationship. In part, it’s intentionally not demonstrated by the interested partner who is “courting” to win over someone of interest. It’s often a slow and insidious process where coercive intents are embedded in seemingly normal behavior that can be missed. Eventually, it shows up in earnest upon living together, marriage, pregnancy, or the birth of the first child.

  Concurrently, a coercive partner’s behavior fluctuates and can be “kind and caring” at times. It’s during these times when the person they met while “courting” might appear to have returned—giving hope for lasting change—that denial of the previous hurtful behavior kicks in. Sadly, these favorable periods never last and only serve to offer ongoing intermittent hope and reinforce denial of the abuse." (Source).

  So Denial is kind of like a Double-Edged Sword.  It can help one through a difficult time, by reducing the initial shock of a tragedy.  But it can also be extremely costly and even dangerous if one does not realize the danger prior to it being too late to change course. 

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