About Relationships: Unhealthy versus Healthy

What is a Relationship?   What is an UnHealthy Relationship?   What is a Healthy Relationship?   Have you Ever stopped to Think About The Differences?

  Have you ever stopped to think that one of the reasons why we get DV Charges is because we might be lacking in our understanding of how Relationships really work?  What are some of the differences between Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships?

  Perhaps the first and most important factor to consider about having a relationship is whether or not I am emotionally, socially, financially, professionally and/or in the right mind and in the right place to have a Healthy Relationship?

  Relationships can be BOTH complex and simple.  So it can really help if we first get educated about Relationships before we go any further.  

But first, we need to ask: What is a Relationship?   

  According to Oxford Languages, A Relationship is: "the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected."

  Or a Relationship can be viewed as: "the state of being connected by blood or marriage."  "they can trace their relationship to a common ancestor"

  Or "the way in which two or more people or groups regard and behave toward each other..  "the landlord–tenant relationship"  (Source.)

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  So then, a Relationship is about a CONNECTION.  What TYPE of Connection?  

  In Psychology, the American Psychological Association, states that a Relationship might be viewed as: “A continuing and often committed association between two or more people, as in a family, friendship, marriage, partnership, or other interpersonal link in which the participants have some degree of influence on each other's thoughts, feelings, and actions.” (Source.).

What Types of Relationships are there?

  "According to Very Well Mind regarding Basic Types of Interpersonal and/or Informal (no legal contract) Relationships, they write: “Relationships typically fall into one of several different categories (although these can sometimes overlap):

Family relationships

Friendships

Acquaintances

Romantic relationships

Exclusive relationships

Sexual relationships

Work relationships

Situational relationships (sometimes called "situationships")"  (SOURCE.)

And add to those, at least two more:

            "Professional Relationship"

            A "Relationship based on a Psychological Kinship" (This would be a Relationship where you feel like Family; and you are treated like family; but you are neither biologically or legally related to each other (Bailey, K. G., 1987)). 

  Further, any of these relationships (above) can be different in intensity, length, depth, consistency, and can also last different lengths of time and even have different sets of rules or parameters.  The one consistent part is that they all usually up to the two (or more) people involved.

  Additionally, "Very Well Mind also says there are different FORMS of Relationships (Healthy Ones and Unhealthy Relationships) including:

Platonic Relationships

Romantic Relationships

Exclusive Relationships

Codependent Relationships

Casual Relationships

Open Relationships

Long-Distance Relationships

and finally, Toxic Relationships" (SOURCE.)

Below are Descriptions of these different types of Relationships: 

"Platonic Relationships

  A platonic relationship is a type of friendship that involves a close, intimate bond without sex or romance. These relationships tend to be characterized by:

Closeness

Fondness

Understanding

Respect

Care

Support

Honesty

Acceptance

  Platonic relationships can occur in a wide range of settings and can involve same-sex or opposite-sex friendships. You might form a platonic relationship with a classmate or co-worker, or you might make a connection with a person in another setting such as a club, athletic activity, or volunteer organization you are involved in.

  This type of relationship can play an essential role in providing social support, which is essential for your health and well-being. Research suggests that platonic friendships can help reduce your risk for disease, lower your risk for depression or anxiety, and boost your immunity.1

  Platonic relationships are those that involve closeness and friendship without sex. Sometimes platonic relationships can change over time and shift into a romantic or sexual relationship."  (SOURCE.)

 

"Romantic Relationships

Romantic relationships are those characterized by feelings of love and attraction for another person. While romantic love can vary, it often involves feelings of infatuation, intimacy, and commitment.

Experts have come up with a variety of different ways to describe how people experience and express love. For example, "psychologist Robert Sternberg suggests three main components of love: passion, intimacy, and decision/commitment. Romantic love, he explains, is a combination of passion and intimacy."2

Romantic relationships tend to change over time. At the start of a relationship, people typically experience stronger feelings of passion. During this initial infatuation period, the brain releases specific neurotransmitters (dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin) that cause people to feel euphoric and "in love."

Over time, these feelings start to lessen in their intensity. As the relationship matures, people develop deeper levels of emotional intimacy and understanding. 

Romantic relationships often burn hot at the beginning. While the initial feelings of passion usually lessen in strength over time, feelings of trust, emotional intimacy, and commitment grow stronger."  (SOURCE.)

 

"Codependent Relationships: 

A codependent relationship is an imbalanced, dysfunctional type of relationship in which a partner has an emotional, physical, or mental reliance on the other person.

It is also common for both partners to be mutually co-dependent on each other. Both may take turns enacting the caretaker role, alternating between the caretaker and the receiver of care.

Characteristics of a codependent relationship include:

Acting as a giver while the other person acts as a taker

Going to great lengths to avoid conflict with the other person

Feeling like you have to ask permission to do things

Having to save or rescue the other person from their own actions

Doing things to make someone happy, even if they make you uncomfortable

Feeling like you don't know who you are in the relationship

Elevating the other person even if they've done nothing to earn your goodwill and admiration

Not all codependent relationships are the same, however. They can vary in terms of severity. Codependency can impact all different types of relationships including relationships between romantic partners, parents and children, friendship, other family members, and even coworkers.

Codependent relationships are co-constructed. While one partner might seem more "needy," the other partner might feel more comfortable being needed.

Someone who feels more comfortable being needed, for instance, may avoid focusing on their own needs by choosing a partner who constantly needs them." (SOURCE.)

 

"Casual Relationships

Casual relationships often involve dating relationships that may include sex without expectations of monogamy or commitment. However, experts suggest that the term is vague and can mean different things to different people.

According to the authors of one study published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, "casual relationships can encompass situations such as:3

One-night stands

Booty calls

"Sex" buddies

Friends with benefits

Such relationships often exist on a continuum that varies in the levels of frequency of contact, type of contact, amount of personal disclosure, discussion of the relationship, and degree of friendship. The study found that people with more sexual experience were better able to identify the definitions of these labels compared to people with less sexual experience.

Casual relationships are often common among young adults. As long as casual relationships are marked by communication and consent, they can have several sex-positive benefits. They can satisfy the need for sex, intimacy, connection, and companionship without the emotional demand and energy commitment of a more serious relationship.4

Casual relationships tend to be more common among younger adults, but people of any age can engage in this type of relationship. Consent and communication are key." (SOURCE.)

 

"Open Relationships

An open relationship is a type of consensually non-monogamous relationship in which one or more partners have sex or relationships with other people. Both people agree to have sex with other people in an open relationship but may have certain conditions or limitations.

Open relationships can take place in any type of romantic relationship, whether casual, dating, or married.

There tends to be a stigma surrounding non-monogamous relationships. Still, research suggests that around 21% to 22% of adults will be involved in some type of open relationship at some point in their life.5

The likelihood of engaging in an open relationship also depends on gender and sexual orientation. Men reported having higher numbers of open relationships compared to women; people who identify as gay, lesbian, and bisexual relative to those who identify as heterosexual were more likely to report previous engagement in open relationships.

Such relationships can have benefits, including increased sexual freedom and pitfalls such as jealousy and emotional pain. Open relationships are more successful when couples establish personal, emotional, and sexual boundaries and clearly communicate their feelings and needs with one another.

Open relationships are a form of consensual non-monogamy. While there is a primary emotional and often physical connection between the two people in the relationship, they mutually agree to intimacy with other people outside of the relationship."  (SOURCE.)

 

  Oh Wait!!!  This is about Preventing Domestic Violence, Right???  Many DV-related events occur in Unhealthy Relationships.

   What about UNHEALTHY (Romantic) RELATIONSHIPS?  What does an Unhealthy Relationship Look Like?

  While some of above types of Relationships can result in DV; the Toxic Relationship best describes a Relationship where Violence is most likely.

"Toxic Relationships

A toxic relationship is any type of interpersonal relationship where your emotional, physical, or psychological well-being is undermined or threatened in some way. Such relationships often leave you feeling ashamed, humiliated, misunderstood, or unsupported.

Any type of relationship can be toxic including friendships, family relationships, romantic relationships, or workplace relationships.

Toxic relationships are characterized by:

A lack of support

Blaming

Competitiveness

Controlling behaviors

Disrespect

Dishonesty

Gaslighting

Hostility

Jealousy

Passive-aggressive behaviors

Poor communication

Stress

  Sometimes all people in a relationship play a role in creating this toxicity. For example, you may be contributing to toxicity if you are all consistently unkind, critical, insecure, and negative”  (SOURCE.)

What about HEALTHY ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS?

What is a Healthy Relationship  -- What does a Healthy Relationship Include the following.  Better Help suggests that "All relationships are different, but most healthy ones have the following characteristics:   

  Respect

  Intimacy

  Trust

  Effective Communication

  Friendship

  Connection

  Commitment

  Healthy Conflict

  Flexibility

  Enjoyment"

  

  They add: "If you feel that your relationship is lacking in one or more of these areas, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is unhealthy. Instead, it indicates that you and your significant other may have an opportunity to grow and improve together. Online couples therapy is one way to cultivate your relationship health."  (SOURCE.) 

  Okay.... so what?  What do I do now???  Well, perhaps a FIX is in order???

How Can You Fix A Relationship that is Having Problems:

  According to Meaghan Rice PsyD., LPC writing for TALKSPACE, some of the Most Common Relationship Problem Areas can be:

Communication

Arguments

Staying Close

Sex and Intimacy

Infidelity

Money

Trauma

Showing Gratitude

Children

Keep Things Exciting

Battling over Chores

Trust and Safety

Change in Life Goals

Same Fight Different Day”

 

Remembering to implement any or all of the following can be beneficial in any relationship:

Say please and thank you

Express dissatisfaction without using profanity or name-calling

Schedule regular date nights, even if they’re during the day or at home

Be proactive about pleasing your partner sexually

Spend time asking questions about each other’s wants and needs

Take time outs from debates that seem to be turning into arguments

If you want to solve your relationship issues, remember what it was that first attracted you to your partner. Ask yourself where the relationship problem is stemming from, and then take action to improve the situation. Be honest with your partner and enjoy rediscovering the excitement of your love.” (SOURCE.)

   Finally, One could also consider Couple’s Therapy.  However, one cannot do Couples Therapy until AFTER they have successfully completed DV Treatment.   

  

How About Some DBT-STYLE Informational VIDEOS To Help Improve Your Relationship(s)?

The GIVE Method Video.  CLICK HERE!

DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness #7: Trust in Relationships  CLICK HERE!

DEARMAN: How to Communicate Assertively.  CLICK HERE!

DBT Emotion Regulation #10: Coping Ahead.  CLICK HERE!

DBT Emotion Regulation #1: Recognizing Your Emotions.  CLICK HERE!

DBT Emotion Regulation #2: Being Effective.  CLICK HERE!

DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness #5: Listening & Validation VIdeo.. CLICK HERE!

DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness #1: Communication Styles.  CLICK HERE!

***  Click Here to Complete Your 

Qualities of Self and Partners 

in Relationships Worksheet  *** 

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Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

The Dangers Of Domestic Violence

  Many of the Costs of DV are paid by the Victims, their Children, and by their Friends and Families.   Those who commit DV also pay a price as well -- on different levels. 

  But an often overlooked cost is the Price and the Pain that Community Members pay -- especially the First Responders.

 I'm saying a Special Prayer this morning for the people of Burnsville, Minnesota where 2 Police Officers and 1 Fireman were killed while responding to a Domestic Violence call.  

  DV is one of the most dangerous situations our Public Servants are called to help in.  Thankyou to all who serve in dangerous situations.  Stay Safe. 

  Click HERE to Read the Story

REFERENCE MATERIAL: Problem Solving Process for DV Prevention

REFERENCE MATERIAL: Check out this method for Solving Problems that was offered by the University of IOWA.  

The Following Problem Solving Method is Copied from the University of IOWA Website:

  How might one apply this Problem-Solving Method to Prevention of DV?

  Typically, problems that Couples have  tend to get pretty emotional pretty quickly.  What if we could add just a tiny bit of Logic to the Process of solving such problems before they get us into trouble?

  How might one apply this method to Preventing the DV that I had?

  First: Go back to the time that this DV Offense was developing and up through the Crisis itself.  You kind of have to put yourself back there...

 

 "University of Iowa 8-Step Problem Solving Process (for their Human Resources Department):

Step 1: Define the Problem

• What is the problem?
• How did you discover the problem?
• When did the problem start and how long has this problem been going on? (This particular piece is possibly going to go back for a long time)
• Is (or was) there enough data available to contain the problem and prevent it from getting passed to the next process step? If yes, contain the problem.

Step 2: Clarify the Problem

• What data is available or needed to help clarify, or fully understand the problem?  (This is a very technical analysis of a very personal situation.)
• Is it a top priority to resolve the problem at this point in time?  (Probably was not as high of priority until the crisis point.)
• Are additional resources required to clarify the problem? If yes, elevate the problem to your leader to help locate the right resources and form a team. 

(This is the point where the DV-triggering events might manifest in a very real fashion.)

(Let's the truly Manifests in a Obvious Way right here.. .though it might have been brewing for a very long time.

So here we find ourselves finally really seeing and maybe even redefining the problem... because it is manifesting seemingly rapidly right in front of our eyes and reaching a crisis point...

So how are we gonna solve it?)

Step 3: Define the Goals  (Is it simply to stabilize a crisis, or is it to reach some sort of a consensus with my partner, or even to achieve a total reconciliation?)

  (Caution... at this point -- some partners want to know why and how this happened; while other partners might seem perfectly okay with it...  So there is not alignment at this point -- and that can be a crisis.. when you feel you are NOT on the same page.  And this might present a totally different set of problems -- seemingly divergent from what one thought the problem was... and this can compound it and make the temperature hit the roof....)

• What is your end goal or desired future state (Might be good here to try and   limit yourself to one at a time; and this can be difficult when we are emotional?   So TRY to solve one problem at a time if possible...)
• What will you accomplish if you fix this problem? (Piece of mind -- at least for now...)
• What is the desired timeline for solving this problem?  (Be sure to reach a sense of fairness in all decisions -- meaning BOTH agree...)

Step 4: Identify Root Cause of the Problem  (In DV, Roots typically lie in things such as Communication, Substance Abuse, Anger Issues, Mismatches, Jealousy, and other types of Stressors.)

• Identify possible causes of the problem.  (Remember, NO Blame, Shame or Guilt.. But by all means, be Accountable...  It also helps to always assume that your partner feels are doing the Right Thing.  It's about Respect Always.)
• Prioritize possible root causes of the problem.  (Do this without Blame.)
• What information or data is there to validate the root cause?

Step 5: Develop Action Plan

• Generate a list of actions required to address the root cause and prevent problem from getting (worse).  (Remember, Consensus here...)
• (Agree upon) an owner and timeline to each action.
• Status actions to ensure completion.

Step 6: Execute Action Plan

• Implement action plan to address the root cause.
• Verify actions are completed.

Step 7: Evaluate the Results

• Monitor and Collect Data.  (How are you getting along now regarding this problem?  What worked?  And What didn't ?)
• Did you meet your goals defined in step 3? If not, repeat the 8-Step Process. 
• Were there any unforeseen consequences?  (Their might be... You need to be sure to check-in with each other about this. Both need to be fine with it.)

Step 8: Continuously Improve  (Always be open for Collaborative Improvement of your Relationship.)

• Look for additional opportunities to implement solution.
• Ensure problem will not come back and communicate lessons learned.  (Do this nicely.  This is NOT about Blame, Shame or Guilt.)
• If needed, repeat the 8-Step Problem Solving Process to drive further improvements."

(Source.)  (The Green lettering was added by Dr. B.)

REFERENCE MATERIAL: Applying Chain Analysis for Prevention of DV

 Is it possible to apply the DBT Concept of Chain Analysis to the Prevention of DV?

The following Article is copied from an the Very Well Mind Website: 

"What Is a Behavior Chain Analysis?

Also known as functional analysis, a chain analysis is a technique designed to help a person understand the function of a particular behavior.1 During a chain analysis of a particular problem behavior (for example, deliberate self-harm), a person tries to uncover all the factors that led up to that behavior.

Behaviors can serve multiple functions. Therefore, go through a chain analysis for a number of different situations that led to problem behavior and try to identify all the functions a problem behavior serves for you.

In other words, a person tries to discover all the links in the chain that ultimately resulted in problem behavior. Therefore a chain analysis will help you figure out all the things that can contribute to problem behavior.

In doing so, a chain analysis can give you insight into how to change such behavior.

Doing a chain analysis takes time and effort, but it can be a useful tool when a person is trying to address specific problem behavior. In many cases, people will try to change a behavior without fully comprehending what is causing it. Chain analysis allows people to better recognize the factors that contribute to it, identify triggers, and look for solutions to stop the problem at many different points.

This is a process that people can use on their own as a self-help strategy. It is also something that people often do with the help of a therapist during dialectical behavior therapy or cognitive behavior therapy.

When to Do a Behavior Chain Analysis

Reasons a person might want to do a behavior include risky behaviors such as:

• Risky behaviors such as substance use or drunk driving
• Aggressive behaviors and violence,2
  
• Behaviors associated with mental disorders
• Self-injury
• Suicidal ideation and suicidal behavior3
• Any other action that creates distress, harm, or disruption in a person's life

Behavior chain analysis can often be useful for addressing specific symptoms of mental health conditions. For example, research has found that it can be useful for negative symptoms of schizophrenia.4 

It can be helpful to go through a chain analysis soon after you engage in problem behavior. This way, your experience is fresh in your mind and you will likely be able to remember more information about the factors that led up to your problem behavior.

It might also be helpful to identify what things might have made you more susceptible to responding to the situation as you did. For example, when people do not eat well or do not get enough sleep, they may be more susceptible to experiencing negative moods or having more reactive emotional experiences.

How to Do a Chain Analysis

To do a behavior chain analysis, a person identifies the situation they were in, the thoughts they were experiencing, and the feelings they were having just prior to engaging in that behavior.

In doing so, a person can increase their awareness of all the factors that may put them at risk for problem behavior. This way a person has a better ability to intervene early on to prevent that behavior in the future.

Choose the Behavior to Analyze

The first step is to identify the behavior you want to change. For example, do you want to stop engaging in self-medication through alcohol? Binge eating? Try to identify a behavior that is causing problems for you in your life.

Questions you might ask yourself include:

• What was the exact event that led to the behavior?
• When did the problem first start?
• What was happening when it began?
• What thoughts, feelings, or behaviors were you having at the time?
  

When describing the behavior, be very specific and detailed. 

Identify the Links in the Chain

Next, think about what happened prior to you engaging in the problem behavior. After you write down the initial precipitating event, ask yourself what happened next. Questions you can ask yourself include:

• What thought or feeling did you have after it happened?
• What actions followed?
• How did you feel during and after the behavior? 
• What were you doing?
• What was going on around you?
• Were you in an argument?
• Did you have a memory of your traumatic event triggered?

The goal of this process is to identify the event or situation that served as the starting point for your problem behavior.

 How to Reframe Stressful Situations

Pay Attention to Thought Patterns

Now, identify what kinds of thoughts were brought up by the situation or event that led to the problem behavior. Questions to ask yourself at this point include:

• How did you evaluate the situation or yourself in that situation?
• Did you engage in catastrophic or all-or-none thinking?

Understanding the thought patterns that led up to the behavior is important and will allow you to look for ways to change those unhelpful thoughts.

Look for Solutions

The next step is to think about solutions that can address different aspects of the behavior. These solutions will vary depending on the individual, the behavior, and the resources that each person has available. 

• What could you have done differently at each point in the sequence?
• What coping strategies could you have used?
• What skills do you have that would help you deal more effectively with that behavior, thought, or feeling?
• Are there new skills you could learn that would help?

At each point in the chain, write down solutions that you might use to address the problem. You might write, "When I start feeling X, I could use coping strategy Y."

Review the Chain of Events

Think about what emotions you were having as a result of that situation. Try your best to list as many emotions as you possibly can, such as fear, sadness, anger, shame, guilt, embarrassment, or dread.

Pay attention to what you felt in your body. Try to recognize and label all the sensations that came up.

For example, did you experience shortness of breath? Muscle tension? An increased heart rate? Think about how your body reacted to the situation.

Next, list what your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations made you want to do. That is, did they make you want to escape the situation or do something to make those feelings stop? Did you feel a need to engage in your problem behavior?

Finally, think about the consequences of engaging in your problem behavior. Did you feel better afterward? Did you feel disappointed in yourself? Ashamed? Try to list as many consequences (both positive and negative) as you can."

(Source.)