The Often-Times Challenging Journey from Trauma to Hope and Confidence for People with Domestic Violence Offenses

  As Humans we typically have the ability to feel, think and do (or not do).  We do it.  Then we can choose to do it all over again in any given order.  Hence, it makes sense to assume that when someone gets a DV Charge, he or she was feeling, thinking, and doing (in some order).

  Sure, our thinking may have been impaired by a substance.  And/or depending on the way we were raised; we may or may not be in touch with our feelings.  Or we may have just been frustrated.  Or perhaps we were simply too busy to give something the attention it deserved.  Furthermore, many of us do not always seem to have a truly functional connection between our feeling, our thinking and our doing -- especially if we are distracted.

  Yes, sometimes, we rationalize or excuse our behaviors by calling them reactions to someone or something else' actions; or by thinking we had no other choice.  But even so, we still must be accountable for our actions when they cause physical, emotional or some other form of harm or inconvenience to others.

So What are We?  Who are We -- Who are We Humans -- We Humans with Challenges -- We Humans with Challenges such as a Domestic Violence Offense and all that Follows?

  “Ben Okri is a Nigerian poet and novelist.  Okri is considered one of the foremost African authors in the post-modern and post-colonial traditions, and has been compared favorably to authors such as Salman Rushdie and Gabriel García Márquez" (Source).

  "The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering" (Ben Okri).

  Regardless of what we have done in our lives -- whether it was to make a Billion Dollars, Invent a Cure for COVID-19, Get a DV Offense, or otherwise; we still have those things that Okri mentioned.  We each must still feel, think and behave.  And when we behave -- (good or bad) -- we are doing -- and we are doing.

  Domestic Violence Offenses frequently cause some sort of Trauma for the Victims and for the Witnesses.  However, today, we are looking at that as well as at a different sort of Traumatization.  

The Trauma Associated with Being a DV Offender:

  I submit to you that DV Offenders also have Trauma in their lives.  Many were Traumatized in their past -- childhood, or some other form.  And many were also Traumatized by what happened in their relationships with the Victims -- possibly even prior to the offense.  And some were even Traumatized by their own DV Offense(s) as well as the intervention carried out by Law Enforcement and/or the Courts.

•   The fact that BOTH the Victims and the Perpetrators of DV have been Traumatized in no way excuses or justifies the harm that was done to the Victims and/or the Witnesses.  As each of us goes through the process of living day to day, we must hold ourselves Accountable for things we have done in our lives.

  At the same time, in order to Prevent any future Domestic Violence - related Feeling, Thinking or Doing / Behavior, we each must heal.  We each must move through the process of acknowledging the pain in our lives and move forward toward Forgiveness, Hope and Confidence.  This is the purpose of this week's lesson.  

  Ask yourself: "What is the process for someone to evolve from having committed a DV Offense; and to grow to a point to where they are able to come back whole and possibly even better than before?"

 

 

  “Man's Search for Meaning is a 1946 book by Viktor Frankl chronicling his experiences as a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps during World War II, and describing his psychotherapeutic method, which involved identifying a purpose to each person's life through one of three ways: the completion of tasks, caring for another person, or finding meaning by facing suffering with dignity.

  Frankl observed that among the fellow inmates in the concentration camp, those who survived were able to connect with a purpose in life to feel positive about, and then immersed themselves in imagining that purpose such as conversing with an (imagined) loved one. According to Frankl, the way a prisoner imagined the future affected his longevity.

  The book intends to answer the question "How was everyday life in a concentration camp reflected in the mind of the average prisoner?" Part One constitutes Frankl's analysis of his experiences in the concentration camps, while Part Two introduces his ideas of meaning and his theory called logotherapy.

According to a survey conducted by the Book-of-the-Month Club and the Library of Congress, Man's Search for Meaning belongs to a list of "the ten most influential books in the United States."[1] At the time of the author's death in 1997, the book had sold over 10 million copies and had been translated into 24 languages” (Source).

  A Few Sincere and Relatively Serious Questions to Ponder while one is in Search of Meaningful Answers on the Journey from a DV Offense, to feeling really bad and perhaps even like a Victim of the System; and then to the point of Hope and Confidence and moving forward in a positive and constructive way:

• What have the various Trauma(s) in my life been like for me?

• What has the Trauma of my DV Offense probably been like for the Victim?

• What has the Trauma of my DV Offense probably been like for the Witness(es)?

• What has the Trauma of my DV Offense probably been like for other third Parties involved such as Police, Jailers, Attorneys, Probation Officers, Treatment Providers, friends, employers and others?

• In what ways have I been in Denial related to this process?

• In what ways have I played, or actually been a Victim in this process?

• In what ways have I been Grieving during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Sorrow during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Anger during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Bargaining (or tried to change the outcome in my mind) during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Shame, the Fears and the Unknowns during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Depression during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Anxiety, Nervousness or Panic during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced a full Acceptance of the Consequences and Forgiveness of the Others Involved during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Forgiveness for My Self during this process?
• This is a place in my mind / my soul that could be a great place to make some lasting positive changes -- More Peace / Less Anger -- hopefully. It is assumed that One has to forgive his or her self in order to move on in a positive way and to successfully navigate his or her new World.

• In what ways have I experienced (given and/or received) Apology -- as in Apologizing to Others Effected; as well as Apologizing to My Self; or being Open and Able to Hear Someone Else' Apology during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Opportunity (for good or bad) during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced moving beyond my truths and my rationalizations and my excuses and reasons, toward my Acceptance of FACT(s) during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced A Sense of Helplessness during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Humility or Humbleness during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Survival and/or Survivorship during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Gratitude during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Acceptance of My Self (My Past Self, My Present Self and My Future Self) during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Accountability (Holding My Self Accountable) during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Re-Birth or Renewal or a "Do-Over" or a "Gimme" during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Confidence (in light of realizing the fact that I am Human and Humans are Imperfect) during this process?

• In what ways have I experienced Hope and/or Faith that "everything will eventually work out" during this process?

NOW: Think to yourself......... Breathe deeply for a moment.......... How do you feel?

*** Click Here to Complete your From Trauma to Hope Worksheet. ***

and

Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

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For those who are having a difficult time with this, please Click Here to read the following  Quotes about Forgiveness.

(Originally Posted 11/23/2020.)

Sources:

• (Ben Okri: "“Ben Okri OBE FRSL is a Nigerian poet and novelist. Okri is considered one of the foremost African authors in the post-modern and post-colonial traditions, and has been compared favourably to authors such as Salman Rushdie and Gabriel García Márquez. Wikipedia” (Source).
• "30 Quotes on Forgiveness" (Source).

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

The Power of Respect When it Comes to Prevention of Domestic Violence

  Basically, when one commits Domestic Violence, he or she is committing a serious form of Disrespect toward his or her partner, as well as Disrespect towards both families, and ultimately, Disrespect toward his or her self.

  Formally speaking, there could be Two Assumptions about Respect and its relationship with DV:

1. DV happens largely as result of either unilateral disrespect or mutual disrespect (i.e., Disrespect coming from one person; and/or Disrespect coming from BOTH people.).

2. A person has to respect his or herself before he or she can truly respect others.  

About the value of Respect, Clint Eastwood once said: 

"Respect your efforts, respect yourself.  Self-respect leads to self discipline.  When you have both firmly under your belt, that's real power."

  In other words, real power comes from BOTH Respecting Yourself and having Self-Discipline at the same time.

That being said, Respect can be a very complex topic:
  For example, some people confuse fear with Respect.  Some people think that if they make me afraid, they automatically get my respect.  Whereas what may have actually happened, is that what they really got was my attention and possibly even my fear; but not my respect.  If we want Respect; we need to understand that making someone else afraid of us is not a healthy way to get respect.
  It is important to understand that Respect is probably most wisely given and/or earned in a non-violent way without fear, without threats, without violence or even without disrespect. 
  Because Fear and Respect are two completely different things.

Malcolm X once said: “Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery. That's a good religion.”

  More about Malcom X and Respect: For all of his great qualities and his good deeds; Even Malcolm X had a bit of confusion between "giving" Respect (Meaning: Give Respect No Matter What); and "giving" Respect on a conditional basis -- in other words, he said we should give respect; except when someone put their hands on us.  Whereas many others suggest that Giving Respect; was an unconditional thing -- a.k.a.: Give Respect especially if someone puts their hands on you; unless of course you are defending yourself or others out of necessity.  Some feel that one should attack someone who attacks you.  Others believe that we should instead learn to turn the other cheek if someone attacks you.

  And Self-Respect is also very important in relationships. Without Self-Respect, a person is sometimes an unattractive suiter.  One person in History who definitely respected herself was Susan B. Anthony.  As she was advocating in 1872 for the Right of Women to Vote in the United States of America.  She did great things.  At the same time, she was careful about where she put her energy.  She once said: 

"No self respecting woman should wish or work for the success of a party that ignores her sex.”  

  Anthony was apparently demanding that Women should have enough self-respect to be careful which side they choose, as they are fighting to be given enough respect by the male Lawmakers in the U.S.A. to be allowed to Vote. 

So Then, What is Fear?

  Fear is: “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.”  Fear is often accomplished through Intimidation.
  Intimidation is to: “frighten or overawe (someone), esp. in order to make them do what one wants.  For example, one might say about a professional wrestler: "he tries to intimidate his rivals"”  And he might do it in many ways.  There are different types of Intimidation including Verbal, Physical Intimidation, Social Intimidation, and there is even Professional Intimidation.

  On the other hand, Respect is: “a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, their qualities, or their achievements.”  Such as many golfers would certainly Respect Tiger Woods' abilities on the Golf Course.
  People don’t necessarily admire me when they fear me.  When people are afraid of me, they don't necessarily respect me.  People do not necessarily respect me if they fear me.

  On the other hand, sometimes Fear and Respect seem to go together --  For example: when a boss is trying to get his or her workers to do a job safely, some might respect him or her; whereas others might not.  Some employees might do the job in an unsafe way because they do not respect their Boss or themselves.  In such cases, eventually, the Boss might have to resort to instilling fear of job loss or fear of injury from a work accident if the workers do not follow her or his directions.  He or she might even fire someone to provide an example to others.
  Also, sometimes people put themselves at risk when they don't respect people and things.  People should always respect weapons, snakes, hurricanes, poisonous spiders, ocean waves, knives, fires, automobiles, electricity, and many other potentially dangerous things.  And people often do respect these things because they are afraid of them.  So here again, we have Respect and Fear working together to help people remain safe.

  Another example of trying to get Respect through fear is when a new Inmate goes into a crowded jail cell and he might even pick a fight with the biggest meanest guy there in order to try and use fear to gain instant respect from the rest of the prisoners.  However, that is a very dangerous thing to do.  And this may or may not earn him respect.  Or it might just get him killed.  

  On one hand, while some feel that being disrespectful gives them power over others; many wiser people disagreed.  For example; a famous peace-maker once said:

“It has always been a mystery to me how men can feel themselves honored by the humiliation of their fellow beings” (Mahatma Gandhi).

  In other words; How is it that a man can feel honored because he just humiliated another person?  Perhaps they have no mercy when they do this.  And perhaps they do not have any respect for themselves or others either.

How Do We Learn Respect?

  Wouldn't it be great if people learned Respect WITHOUT Violence, Threats or Intimidation?  Yes, of course!  But still, some people might learn Respect through Punishment of some sort.

  For example, the Reverend Billy Graham said: 

"A child who is allowed to be disrespectful to his parents will not have true respect for anyone” (Billy Graham).

  Other people might also learn Respect through Induction.  Induction is about teaching respect without using violence.  Induction is about BOTH the Child learning how to Respect the Parent; and the Parent learning how to Respect the Child.

  So for one, it seems that children should be learning respect from their parents, Right?.

  But does this mean that we should teach a child to be Respectful using force -- or using Disrespect?  Or using Violence?  Absolutely NOT!!!  Because those ways of teaching Respect do not work.  They simply teach a child to be disrespectful.

  This means that if we have such problems in our lives; we should try more Respectful and more Effective methods, such as Induction; rather than violence.  For example: Teaching Respect by Giving Respect.  This is a big part of Induction.  

  Think about it: Where did you learn about Respect as a Child or as an Adult?  By chance, did any older / bigger / potentially tougher people respect you when you were a kid?   Did the people who taught you Respect use Punishment; or did they use Induction?  Or perhaps Both?

  Using non-violence and/or using Induction is typically good for BOTH the person who is being disrespectful, and for the person who is trying to get the disrespectful person to change their thinking, words and behavior.  For example, a very wise and peaceful man once said: 

  

"The nonviolent approach does not immediately change the heart of the oppressor (the person doing the violence).  It first does something to the hearts and souls of those committed to it (those committed to using a non-violent approach).  It gives them new self-respect; it calls up resources of strength and courage they did not know they had” (Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.).

  In other words, if we learn to use Respect instead of Violence or disrespect, we might truly become better people who are actually more self-confident, more respectful; and hence more respected.  And therefore, we can probably be more effective at handling and putting an end to the other person's disrespect and violence.

For some, Respect is Earned.  For others, Respect is Given.  Or Both?  How about you?

  Or by chance, should I just start off with Respect for Everyone I meet?  Then go from there.

  Am I able and willing to give respect to someone who does not yet respect me?
  In learning how to have healthy relationships, the Goal is to learn how to get things done without using Fear, Punishment, or Intimidation (No Force or Violence of Any Kind).  

  One way to gain Respect is through fear or violence or basically scaring someone into believing that I'm going to hurt them if they don't do what I want.  This is what I call Forced Respect.  Therefore, it is NOT preferable in Relationships.  Actually, Force or Violence can destroy a relationship.
  However a preferred method could be Induction.  Induction is the idea of inducting someone into sharing Respect with you; rather than trying to force it through violence, or through fear, or through threats.  Violence tends to destroy healthy relationships.  Whereas Induction helps foster a healthy relationship. 

  Induction is a way to gain respect without using Violence, Fear, Punishment, or Intimidation.

“Preservation of one's own culture does not require contempt or disrespect for other cultures” (Cesar Chavez).

  In other words: If we are going to preserve our families, our beliefs, our ways and our Culture, we should do so using Respect; NOT disrespect.

How Do We Learn To Practice Induction?

  Induction is not always an easy thing to do -- especially when one is angry or hurt.  Some ways of facilitating Induction include the following:

•   Be reliable.  Do what you say you are going to do.  
•   Set a good example.  Always try to be the first to Give Respect to the other person.  Even for people that you don't like -- or that don't like you.
•   Do a good job.  Especially when no one is watching.  And nobody needs to know about it either.
•   Be conscientious.  Care about what you do and the people you do it with.
•   Be courteous always.  Be courteous especially if you are upset or angry or hurt. 
•   Be respectful toward everyone.  Always be respectful to those less fortunate than you.
•   Be kind and considerate to everyone.
•   Treat others how you want to be treated.  (The Golden Rule.)
•   Show compassion (relating to them - always if you can do it.).
•   Try to become Inspired by the likes of Dr. Martin Luther King, Cesar Chavez, Gandhi, Jesus & others who have made gigantic changes in the World without using violence.

Unconditional Respect: 

  Am I able to always give respect to the other person no matter what they are doing?  Maybe, maybe not... But I can at least try, Right???

  Few Humans have given more of themselves to their fellow Human Beings than has Mother Teresa.  She was known to have said: 

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them” 

(Mother Teresa).

  Question: Would I rather be a person who judges people; or a person who Loves people?

And if my partner makes a poor choice; what might be the most loving way to deal with her within the spirit of Induction and Love.

Speaking of Love and Respect; What does RESPECT look like in a relationship?

• Avoid interruptions.  Have patience to listen.  And Listen good.  Real Good!
• Pay attention when your partner is talking to you.
• Don't use always or never casually.  Stay away from absolutes.  Be flexible.
• Use I statements.  Talk about your own feelings and thoughts.  Don't judge theirs.
• Be honorable.  Don't make allegations or accusations unless you have really strong proof.  And also, don't do so without thorough consideration of the possible damages it could do to the other person; or even to yourself.
• Don’t diagnose each other.
• Don't try to make your partner jealous.  Help your partner feel more secure every day.
• No rude gestures.  Be polite.
• No walking out (unless necessary for a Time Out).  Be patient.
• Use as much Patience and Trust as you possibly can.
• Always offer a sense of equality and fairness -- Fairness is when both agree to the solution before it happens.
• Be Considerate of others.
• Observe, or Pay attention to your partner -- without being critical.
• Withhold Judgment and be open to learning.  Maybe even be open to changing some of the ways that you present yourself or that you react to others.
• Call them what they like to be called.   No name calling.
• Hold open the possibilities.  Keep a positive attitude.
• Do not blame, minimize or deny. Be accountable.
• Be nice.  Always try to play nicely with partner.

RESPECT versus LOVE -- Question:  What are some of the common qualities between what Respect Looks Like and what Love Looks Like?

  Perhaps one of the most important differences between Love and Respect is that for many, Respect may be given -- even if it is not earned.  However, for some, this is not a common philosophy or practice.

  On the other hand, with Love; people are able to Give Respect Regardless of whether or not one has apparently Earned Respect.

  Nelson Mandela has been known in my lifetime as one of the greatest people who ever walked the Earth.  Why?  Because he fought the Good Fight.  He fought -- mostly using his intellect, his words, and other non-violent methods for the sake of FREEDOM for the Africans in South Africa who were Native Africans there; and who had been legally discriminated against, utterly disrespected, beaten down, subjugated, and even systematically murdered through the ugly System of Apartheid. 

  However, even with all that; plus his almost 30 years in Prison due to an unjust conviction; Mandela came out of Prison and through his own actions and his ability to inspire, he taught about Reconciliation; rather than teaching about Revenge.  He taught about Respect; rather than teaching about Disrespect.

  He taught about Freedom and Respect.  Additionally, Nelson Mandela was known to have said: 

"For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others” 

(Nelson-Mandela).

 

  In other words, I won't be free, until I value the freedom of others.

Second Question: What might be some Possible Benefits of giving respect even when it has not been earned?

Third Question: What we know is that Respect can help prevent Domestic Violence.  And patience is often the best way to show Respect.  How are you when it comes to being patient and showing respect when you are angry?

Other:

• Talk about a time in any sort of a relationship where you wished you had shown more Respect to another person and perhaps did not; hence you lost something?
• What does are some of the possible benefits of giving Respect to your partner; Even when you feel they have not earned it?

*** Please Complete These Three Worksheets: 

Please Click Here to Complete Today's About Respect Worksheet.

Please Click Here to Complete Your Respect Form Letter Exercise.

 

 Please Click Here to Complete Today's Session Feedback Form.

   Have a nice day!!!

(Originally Posted, 5/20//2020; Updated, 5/9/2022).

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

The Phenomenon of Jealousy and How it Relates to Domestic Violence

 What is Jealousy?

  Jealousy can be different things to different people.  There could be a situation where one is jealous; or could be a situation where one is troubled by a partner who is struggling with jealousy.  

  One might say that Jealousy is largely about distrust, suspicion, insecurity, fear, loss, pain, paranoia, betrayal, obsession, anger and sometimes eventually stalking and/or violence.  Jealousy is typically not a good thing.

 “It is important to distinguish between envy and jealousy in relationship. How do they differ? Being envious means feeling angry, frustrated, or left out because someone else has something you don't (have). (Whereas) Being jealous is about the fear of losing something (or more typically, someone) that you do have to a third person.”  (SOURCE.)  

 When is Jealousy Unhealthy?

  “When jealousy is intense or irrational, the story is very different. Irrational or excessive jealousy is often a warning sign of a potentially abusive relationship."

  Eventually, jealous people feel so overwhelmed by their emotions and insecurities and other possible psychosocial issues that they exert intense) control over their partners. "They may resort to financial abuse, verbal bullying, and violence to maintain control and alleviate or mask their feelings.

  Unhealthy jealousy is sometimes rooted in fear of abandonment and a worry about not being truly loved.2 Unhealthy jealousy is other characterized by:

Being paranoid about what a partner is doing or feeling

Demanding an account of where a partner has been

Displaying unusual insecurity and fear

Engaging in storytelling and making accusations that are not true

Excessively questioning a partner's behaviors and motives

Following or stalking a partner to confirm their whereabouts

Infringing on a partner's freedom or prohibiting them from seeing friends or family

Reading emails and texts or listening to voicemails expecting to discover infidelity or a lie. 3

  (Source.) Ligman K, Rodriguez LM, Rocek G. Jealousy and electronic intrusion mediated by relationship uncertainty in married and cohabiting couples during Covid-19. Cyberpsychol Behav Soc Netw. 2021;24(7):444-449. doi:10.1089/cyber.2020.0669 Texting a partner non-stop when the couple is apart”  

 

People sometimes act irrationally when they are Jealous.  Why?

  People often tend to get very emotional -- if not just very volatile when they ware jealous.   Perhaps the jealousy itself is grounded in a deep emotional wound that they have.  “Theoretically, the  more irrational a person gets jealous… (throwing tantrums etc ..)… the ore likely this person has early childhood issues...“  (Source.)

 On the other hand, some Jealousy is just about power and control and fear of loss. 

 

What Percent of people get Jealous?

  “One study of married couples who sought relationship counseling found that 79% of men and 66% of women defined themselves as jealous.”  (Source).

  

Why do people get Jealous?

“Because they don’t know how to deal with the emotions that they are experiencing... Like perhaps they are afraid of losing their partner and as it gets more intense, they don't know how to handle it.

  Emotions in jealousy can include: Fear, Anger, Anxiety, Nervousness, Envy, Confusion, Loss, Rivalry… Intensity  (Source.)

What Causes Jealousy?

  Some of the causes of jealousy could be: “Anxiety, Attachment issues. Insecurity, Borderline personality disorder, Paranoia, Fear, Lack of confidence and/or Neuroticism” (Source).

 

Is Jealousy always Negative? 

  Jealousy is probably typically negative.  Whereas, at some other times, it could be a motivator for self-improvement -- like motivates a jealous mate to get sober and stay sober, or motivates him to go to school and develop more of a career, and/or it motivates her to start taking better care of herself.  On the other hand, some say that: “Jealousy also heightens emotions, making love feel stronger. In small, manageable doses, jealousy can be a positive force in a relationship”  (Source.). 

 

One way to try and keep Jealousy from going too Negative might be by using Cognitive Defusion:  Click to Watch Video Here.

(Video By Kyira Wackett)

Characteristics of Jealousy?

“While it’s typically perceived as a negative emotion, it is natural to experience jealousy in a close relationship. You may feel suspicious jealousy or reactive jealousy.

The former is based on perception and is often tied to low self-esteem and insecurity, and the latter is based on situations that actually threaten the relationship and is often tied to actions or situations that lead to or cause the betrayal of trust.2

Jealousy can lead to other emotions or feelings. Psychiatrist Nereida Gonzalez-Berrios, MD, explains how jealousy can manifest in relationships:

Acting obsessive

Criticizing

Fault finding

Blaming

Feeling distrust

Being overprotective or suspicious

Experiencing a quick temper

Verbally abusing (Source.).

 

Some Basic Types of Jealousy

Projection Jealousy  --  I'm doing it, so she must be doing it too.

Morbid Jealousy – Othello Syndrome -- An unfounded ongoing belief that no matter who my partner is, she or he is cheating.

And other kinds of Jealousy might include a variety of types  "While there are many forms of jealousy, there are two main categories: normal and abnormal jealousy. The six main types, described by Dr. Gonzalez-Berrios, are:

Rational jealousy: When there is genuine, reasonable doubt, especially when you love a partner and fear losing them, rational jealousy can occur.

Family jealousy: This typically occurs between family members, such as siblings. When a new baby is born, a sibling may feel jealous as the attention of the parents shifts to the new baby, for example.

Pathological jealousy: This type of jealousy is irrational. Unhealthy feelings may result from an underlying mental health disorder such as anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or schizophrenia. Signs of pathological jealousy can include extreme insecurity, as well as a desire to control and manipulate.  (This could include Morbid Jealousy.)

Sexual jealousy: When there is fear that a partner has been unfaithful and has engaged in physical infidelity, you may become suspicious.

Romantic jealousy: This can result from a real or imagined threat to a romantic relationship, resulting in jealous thoughts or reactions.

Power jealousy: This type of jealousy stems from personal insecurity. You may be jealous of someone who has what you want. When a coworker receives a promotion or a reward that you wish to receive, for example, you may become jealous.

Studies conducted on heterosexual romantic relationships found that men tend to feel jealous over a third party’s dominance and are more concerned about sexual infidelity, whereas women tend to feel jealous of a third party’s attractiveness and are more concerned about emotional infidelity.5

(Source).

 

Jealousy and Mental Health

  "Certain mental health conditions can also play a role in feelings of jealousy. Conditions that might be linked to this emotion include:

Anxiety disorders

Attachment issues

Borderline personality disorder (BPD)

Depression

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)

Paranoia

Psychosis

Schizophrenia

  If you are experiencing intense jealousy and other symptoms that cause distress or interfere with your ability to function normally, it is important to talk to your doctor or mental health professional.  (Source).

 

How Can Jealousy Relate to Domestic Violence?

Under: "HOW CAN JEALOUSY LEAD TO VIOLENCE?"  The Author(s) wrote: 

“Abusers often use jealousy as a tool for control, monitoring their partner's every move and isolating them from family and friends. This controlling behavior can escalate quickly, leading to emotional and physical abuse.”  (Source).

  Often where there is jealousy a-foot, trust is at its lowest point and this often leads to numerous types of emotionally, verbally and/or physically abusive behaviors.

 “Abusers often use jealousy as a tool for control, monitoring their partner's every move and isolating them from family and friends. This controlling behavior can escalate quickly, leading to emotional and physical abuse.

  In some cases, jealousy can spiral into violent behavior, leading to tragic outcomes such as domestic violence, and even homicide. Regrettably, incidents of domestic and family violence are on the rise"  (Data From Queensland Police Service responding to 138,871 occurrences of such violence in the community during the 2021/22 Financial Year). (Source.).

  Jealousy can begin out of genuine concern for a partner; and eventually lead to violence if it goes down the wrong road.

"The cycle of violence

Jealousy can play a significant role in perpetuating the cycle of violence in an abusive relationship. In the early stages, an abusive partner may look for any reason to start a fight, often resorting to possessiveness, jealousy and attempts to control the other person’s behaviour.

These actions can intensify tensions and escalate into physical, emotional, or verbal abuse in the next phase. At times, the abuser may express remorse and seek forgiveness, using apologies, gifts, or promises to convince the victim to stay in the relationship.

It’s a vicious cycle that repeats itself, with jealousy and possessiveness present in each phase. Recognising these signs early on and seeking help to break the cycle of violence can be a crucial step towards your safety and well-being."  (Source.).

The red flags of jealousy

Identifying these behaviors in a romantic relationship and noting they are problematic is an incredibly difficult thing to do. However, it is up to all of us to recognize the potential signs of relationship abuse (and support those who are experiencing it). Some of these early warning signs include a partner:

Monitoring your every move

Expecting immediate responses to texts and calls

Isolating you from family and friends

Belittling or controlling your behaviour

Blaming you for their actions or emotions

Using threats or intimidation to control you

Ultimately, if you find yourself changing your behaviour so that the person you’re dating doesn’t become angry, that is a clear sign of an unhealthy relationship.” (Source.).

How does one Fix Jealousy?

“Trace it back to its source.”

“Talk to a trusted friend.

Practice gratitude for what you have.

Practice in-the-moment coping techniques -- DBT

Explore underlying issues

Remember your own value

Practice mindfulness.

Give it time.

Talk to a therapist  

(Try to have better self esteem) To combat low self-esteem:

  Remind yourself of things you do well.

  Practice self-compassion (in other words, treat yourself the way you would a close friend).

  Practice daily affirmations or exchange them with your partner.

  Remind yourself of the things you value in your partner and relationship.

  Make time to do things you enjoy.”  (Source).  (Source.)

My Domestic Violence Treatment Check-In & Check-Up

   It is important for everyone to know that in order to successfully complete Domestic Violence Offender Treatment, he or she must demonstrate Progress in terms of the Process Itself as well as the Outcome.

  In other words: in order to get a point where a person can be considered for Successful Discharge from DV Treatment, he or she must use the Process and Related Tools here (as noted below), to show that they are taking this Treatment seriously, they are doing the best they can to get the most out of it, and that they are consistently making Positive Changes that will increase the likelihood that they will never again have DV-Related Problems in a Relationship; much less, DV-Related Charges.

DV Treatment Check-Up:

  How am I doing in DV Treatment?  The following is a list of indicators that a person is on course for eventually successfully completing DV Treatment.  

  The following is a general list of what is expected of a person who is to Successfully Complete DV Treatment:

• No new offenses (DV or other types of Offenses as well).
• No new Restraining Order or Protection Order Violations.
• 100% Sobriety.  100% Compliance with Testing.  And / Or in Treatment for Substance Use.
• Meeting All Requirements for Second Clinical Contacts.
• Meeting General Objectives of DV Treatment.
• Meeting Client-Specific Goals for DV Treatment.
• Consistently Paying for Treatment.
• Demonstrating Significant Changes indicative of prevention of DV in the future.

  Here are some very basic parts of DV Treatment that MUST be accomplished in order for anyone to successfully complete.  Please ask yourself the following:

• Have I completed all Intake / Evaluation Interviews with Dr. B or other DV Counselor?
• Have I completed, signed and returned all paperwork that was sent to me by Dr. Beverly?
• Have I started to Identify my Risk Factors?
• Have I been attending Sessions with either Dr. B. or my DV Counselor every week?  
• Have I missed any weekly Sessions?  (Must not miss more than 2).
• Have I completed an Absence Attestation for every Session or Week that I have missed?
• Have I completed Extra Credit / Make-Up Assignments for every Absence?
• Have I completed every one of the Topic Worksheets that accompanies the Lesson each week (on the Blog)?
• Have I completed a Weekly Session Feedback form for every Weekly Session?
• Have I completed a Treatment Plan and/or a Treatment Plan Review every 2-to-3 Months while in Treatment?
• Have I completed another Personal Change Plan Draft for every 3 Months in Treatment?
• Have I completed an Aftercare Plan Draft for every few months?
• Have I been paying my DV Treatment Session Fees every week?  If not, am I aware of the Balance of my IOU?  Am I making payments on my IOU every week?

Please DO ALL 4 of the Worksheets Below:

  *** CLICK HERE TO COMPLETE Another     

RISK FACTOR IDENTIFICATION WORKSHEET!!! *** 

  *** CLICK HERE TO COMPLETE                      

        Another PERSONAL CHANGE PLAN!!! *** 

  *** CLICK HERE TO COMPLETE            
           Another TREATMENT PLAN!!! *** 

  *** CLICK HERE TO COMPLETE         

        Another AFTERCARE PLAN!!! *** 

and

Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

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