STRESS and DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

  First and foremost, it is important to accept the truth that STRESS DOES NOT CAUSE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.  However, it his highly believable that serious stress may contribute to the perceptions, feelings and thoughts that could help one make the bad decisions or poor choices to commit DV.  Another way of looking at it is that when people are Stressed Out, they might also be more likely to forget to do things that might prevent DV Behaviors. 

  "A new study has found that domestic violence tends to occur more often when a couple is experiencing financial stress. And while the findings don’t prove a specific cause-and-effect relationship, they do confirm that extreme stressors such as unstable housing and food insecurity should be addressed more often in health care settings." 
  "What we don’t know yet is whether financial stress makes a violent couple more violent, or is financial stress enough of a disruption in a relationship that violence begins?” (Pedersen, 2018). 

  

Why Should I Care about Stress?  (Or: Ways that High Stress Might Seem to be Related to Ruining Relationships and even Related to Domestic Violence):

  Ways that Stress Might Contribute to Domestic Violence - Types of Feelings, Thinking and Behaviors are numerous.  But before proceeding, one must understand that even if Stress was a major factor in the demise of my Relationship; and may have seemed to contribute to my DV Charge; the responsibility for Reducing my Stress so as to avoid any sort of DV Charges lies solely on me, myself and I.

  Nonetheless, Stress might contribute to DV in that it could possibly do some of the following:

• Stress could make us feel like we do not have time to enjoy good times with each other.
• Stress could contribute to increased Irritability which can sometimes be a part of DV.
• Stress could contribute to increased Desire for Social Isolation which can sometimes be a part of DV.
• Stress could contribute to a decrease in the Mindfulness it sometimes takes to be nicely Respectful toward our partners which can in turn sometimes be a part of DV.  
• Stress increasing our level of Disrespect towards our Partner, essentially facilitates Fighting which often includes DV-type Thinking, Feeling and Behavior.
• Stress could contribute to a decrease in our willingness or our ability to help handle our Partner's Issues, Problems and / or their lack of Temper sometimes; which could sometimes be a part of our rationalization for our own DV Behaviors.
• Stress can make it to where we no longer hear what our Partner is saying to us.  This can cause major problems.
• Stress could even make us feel like we don't have to be accountable.
• Stress could also lead us to a mindset where we have little or no empathy for our partner's struggles.  We might even lack sympathy too.
• Stress can make it to where we no longer feel that anyone is on our side, thus no one including our partner can be trusted.  This can kill the trust in a relationship.
• Stress could make us feel so overwhelmed that we miss important things that we need to do, say or even think about (i.e., Picking up Our Partner's Meds from the Pharmacy, Our Partner's Birthday, or even our Anniversary); and this can cause stress on the Relationship for sure.
• Stress can contribute to us forgetting to, neglecting to, or even refusing to Apologize to our Partner when we really should apologize.

WebMD has something to say about Stress:

"What Are the Symptoms of Stress?

Stress can affect all parts of your life, including your emotions, behaviors, thinking ability, and physical health. No part of the body is immune. But, because people handle stress differently, symptoms of stress can vary. Symptoms can be vague and may be the same as those caused by medical conditions. So it is important to discuss them with your doctor. You may have any of the following symptoms of stress.

Emotional symptoms of stress include:

• Becoming easily agitated, frustrated, and moody
• Feeling overwhelmed, as if you are losing control or need to take control
• Having a hard time relaxing and quieting your mind
• Feeling bad about yourself (low self-esteem), and feeling lonely, worthless, and depressed
• Avoiding others
• Physical symptoms of stress include:
•  
• Low energy
• Headaches
• Upset stomach, including diarrhea, constipation, and nausea
• Aches, pains, and tense muscles
• Chest pain and rapid heartbeat
• Insomnia
• Frequent colds and infections
• Loss of sexual desire and/or ability
• Nervousness and shaking, ringing in the ears, and cold or sweaty hands and feet
• Dry mouth and a hard time swallowing
• Clenched jaw and grinding teeth
• Cognitive symptoms of stress include:
•  
• Constant worrying
• Racing thoughts
• Forgetfulness and disorganization
• Inability to focus
• Poor judgment
• Being pessimistic or seeing only the negative side
• Behavioral symptoms of stress include:
•  
• Changes in appetite -- either not eating or eating too much
• Procrastinating and avoiding responsibilities
• More use of alcohol, drugs, or cigarettes
• Having more nervous behaviors, such as nail biting, fidgeting, and pacing

 

"What Are the Consequences of Long-Term Stress?

A little stress every now and then is not something to be concerned about. But ongoing, chronic stress can cause or worsen many serious health problems, including: 

• Mental health problems, such as depression, anxiety, and personality disorders
• Cardiovascular disease, including heart disease, high blood pressure, abnormal heart rhythms, heart attacks, and strokes
• Obesity and other eating disorders
• Menstrual problems
• Sexual dysfunction, such as impotence and premature ejaculation in men and loss of sexual desire in men and women
• Skin and hair problems, such as acne, psoriasis, and eczema, and permanent hair loss
• Gastrointestinal problems, such as GERD, gastritis, ulcerative colitis, and irritable colon"

(WebMD: Stress Symptoms: Physical Effects of Stress on the Body (webmd.com))

These are Indeed Stressful Times:

  In stressful times, people who have experienced stress, tension, anxiety, fear heightened Anxiety or Anxiety-type Disorders might find themselves being more on-guard... or more hyper-vigilant.  In some cases, one might be more likely to have panic attacks.. in other cases, more likely to get really emotionally numb, and disconnected and more likely to start feeling all alone -- even in a crowd or even with family or loved ones.  
  For some people, this can be devastating.  For others, this can be just another way of life.  Many people do this and have no idea that they are doing this.
  High Stress is often caused by significant events such as general chaos, pandemics, pressure such as at work or school, War, relationship issues, trauma of any kind, and reminders of trauma. 
  Many people get triggered and they become aware of being triggered as the symptoms of Re-Traumatization and/or High Anxiety start to re-appear.
  For many people, the inability to control stressful triggers is the worst thing of all.
  And others are just generally anxious.  They do not identify a specific trigger.  But they are anxious frequently regardless of whether or not they have been triggered.
  Some stressed people might find that they experience thinking and/or behavioral changes during stressful times.  Others might find that today's stressors might impact their perceptions.  And these changes might contribute to them falling behind on their obligations, becoming less able to take accountability, more hopeless, more helpless, more depressed, or a general feeling that they are losing ground on previous accomplishments, wanting to hurry things up, having unrealistic expectations, and sometimes being unable to concentrate as well.

 The Center for Disease Control (CDC, 2020) recently published some information that may explain a part of this.  Per the CDC, reactions to an infectious disease outbreak (such as COVID-19) can be exacerbated by the expected high stress and in some cases, fear that come along with such events.  The "Stress (response) during an infectious disease outbreak can include:

• Fear and worry about your own health and the health of your loved ones.  Changes in sleep or eating patterns.  Difficulty sleeping or concentrating.  Worsening of chronic health problems.  Worsening of mental health conditions.  Or increased use of alcohol, tobacco, or other drugs."

  Although one cannot blame Stress for choices related to Domestic Violence, or the Behavior itself, Stress is quite possibly a contributor. 

How Can We Help Keep Stress from Making Our Lives Worse?
  Well, we already know that some of the worst coping mechanisms that typically do not work include, Substance abuse, and Rage in the Presence of others, whether it is Accidental, Spontaneous or Intentional.  Sitting around feeling sorry for one's self also does not necessarily work.  So we probably should not do any of these.
  Possible Solutions to Stress or Stress Reducers are Numerous and Mostly Free.  

Possible Solutions -- Things one can do to Help Relieve Stress:

• Realizing what we can change and what we cannot change.  Make that difference.  And accept that difference.
• Finding Serenity can be helpful.  Find the strength to accept the things one cannot change, The Courage to Change the things that one can, as well as the Wisdom to know that difference.
• Consider making a First Aide Kit for When One Is Stressed Out.  This Kit could include a list of things to do when Stressed.  It should be in a box or a place where you can get to it.  And it might also include Positive Affirmations, Crafts, Coloring Tools, Ideas that help you reduce your stress, Art Supplies, Inspirational Texts, such as the Bible or other helpful text, A Journal for Writing, and Helpful information about symptoms to recognize and combat.  As well as a Harmonica...

  

Other things that can help reduce Stress include: 

• Grounding Exercises to Ground One's Self
• Find ways to Nourish One's Need to Feel Safe.
• Work on Self-Esteem, and Confidence Building Exercises.
• Physical Exercise.  Doing light exercises can be really helpful.    Even just walking.
• Drive a different route to work or to the store one day.
• Be creative -- Make things that help.  (Like during COVID-19, make cool masks).
• Think about and/or maybe visit or write to or call people that you love. 
• Get Park Passes or go Fishing.  
• Get out in Nature.
• Get a Therapist.
• Go to a Church, Synagogue, Mosque, or other place where Communities Gather to share fellowship.
• Look up these 101 Stress Relievers 
• for more Ideas in List or Graphic Forms.
• Google "Youtube and Stress Relief".

  What ever you do, do not hand your heart and soul and behavior over to the Stress.  And definitely, do not let your Stress get in the way of you Being Accountable for Your Feelings, Your Thoughts and Your Behaviors.  

  What ever you do, do not give up.

  Please Click Here to Complete My Stressed Out Strategy Worksheet. 

  Please Click Here to Complete Your Session Feedback Form.

(Previously posted August 16, 2021.)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

  Originally published 6/1/2020.

 

Types of Domestic Violence / Family Violence / Inter-Personal Violence / Intimate Partner Violence

What is Domestic Violence?  

  I cannot tell you how many people get charged with Domestic Violence, yet when I interview them, they claim they could never have committed Domestic Violence.  Yet, they proceed to tell me a story that includes the current legal definition of DV.  It seems this could be as good a time as any to talk about what DV is, right?  
  

According to the Colorado D.V.O.M.B. Standards:

  All DV Offenders need to have the ability to define types of domestic violence.  We also need to be able to:

1. Define coercion, controlling behavior and all types of domestic violence (psychological, emotional, sexual, physical, animal abuse, property, financial, isolation, (digital, and Social)).
2. To Identify in detail the specific types of domestic violence that we engaged in, and the destructive impact of that behavior on our partner and our children (or anyone else involved) (Pence & Paymar, 1993; SAFE JeffCo., 2002).
3. To Demonstrate cognitive understanding of the types of domestic violence as evidenced by giving examples and accurately label situations (SAFE JeffCo, 2002)."
4. To Define a continuum of Relationship-Related Feelings, Thinking and Behavior from healthy to abusive. 

According to the Colorado Bar Association: The Current Definition of Domestic violence includes the idea that it is a pattern of (feeling, thinking) and behavior in which one person attempts to control another (person) through threats or actual use of physical, verbal, or psychological violence or sexual assault on their current or past intimate partner. (Source FVPF2) 

According to the Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence, regarding the Types of Domestic Violence:  “When the general public thinks about domestic violence, they usually think in terms of physical assault that results in visible injuries to the victim. This is only one type of abuse. There are several categories of abusive behavior, each of which has its own devastating consequences. Lethality involved with physical abuse may place the victim at higher risk, but the long term destruction of personhood that accompanies the other forms of abuse is significant and cannot be minimized.  Please explore the following sections to learn more about how to identify domestic violence.”

A list of Types of Abuse could include but should not be limited to:

• Control
• Physical Abuse
• Sexual Abuse
• Emotional Abuse & Intimidation
• Isolation
• Verbal Abuse: Coercion, Threats, & Blame
• Using Male Privilege
• Economic Abuse
• Stalking  (Source).

Breaking it Down Just a Little Bit More:

Domestic Violence: This term is also defined in Section 18-6-800.3(1), C.R.S. and is expanded to include the following definitions for the purpose of the approved provider's use in treatment:

1. Physical violence: aggressive behavior including but not limited to hitting, pushing or grabbing, choking, scratching, pinching, restraining, slapping, pulling, hitting with weapons or objects, shooting, stabbing, damaging property or pets, or threatening to do so.
2. Sexual violence: forcing someone to perform any sexual act without consent.
3. Psychological violence: intense and repetitive degradation, creating isolation, and controlling the actions or behaviors of another person through intimidation (such as stalking or harassing) or manipulation to the detriment of the individual.
4. Economic Deprivation/Financial Abuse: use of financial means to control the actions or behaviors of another person. This may also include such acts as withholding funds, taking economic resources from our intimate partner, and using funds to manipulate or control our intimate partner.

But it really goes much Deeper, correct???

Question: What did I think I was doing when I did my DV Offense?  

Did I think I was committing DV?

Did I Really Make A Choice to Commit DV?; Or Did I Make A Choice to Do Something Aggressive and/or Threatening in order to Try and Get My Way?:

  Violent and abusive behavior is typically viewed as the abuser’s choice: Typically, just before we commit domestic violence, we do make a (sometimes hasty) decision about what we want, and how to get it.  And we do this even when we are intoxicated.  We just might not remember it.

  Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is technically not considered to be due to our loss of control over our behavior.  Abusive behavior and violence is frequently viewed as a deliberate choice made by a person (or an abuser) in order to take control of the situation and/or the relationship.  And at the very least; for persons who are intoxicated when it happened, DV is a result of the poor choice to become intoxicated.

The Fact is that Most Domestic Violence is about Power and Control, Right:

  DV is frequently about using Power to gain Control over a situation or a person; Or it is about using Control to gain some sense of Power over a Person or a Situation.  

  According to the Power and Control Wheels from which much of the current thinking about DV has come: DV Can Include any or all of the following behaviors:

• Intimidation 
• Emotional Abuse 
• Minimizing, Denying and Blaming:
• Using Children: 
• Economic / Financial Abuse:
• Using Male Privilege -- And possibly Female Privilege in some cases: 
• Coercion and Threats:
• Physical Abuse:
• Sexual Abuse:
• Psychological Abuse:
• Using the Children / Parental Alienation
• Animal abuse:
• Property Abuse:
• Jealousy (Using Isolation):
• Social Abuse / Reputation Abuse:
• Digital Abuse / Online stalking or trolling or Harassment on FB or elsewhere:
• Manipulation:
• Trying to gain Respect through Fear.

Click Here to View & Listen To Information about the Duluth Wheels of DV

Question: What might make a certain behavior into DV?

Some Specifics About Different Types of DV from the Victim's Point of View.

 

 Think about it: What does DV  Look Like from the Point of View of the Victim(s)?

Emotional abuse: It’s often a bigger problem than we think.

  When people think of domestic abuse, we often picture battered women who has been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve physical violence.  Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused.  Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked — even by the person being abused.

Understanding emotional abuse:  The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at  our feelings of self-worth and independence.  If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

  Emotional abuse can include: verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse.   Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

  We may naturally think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send us to the hospital and leave us with scars.  But many survivors say that the scars of emotional abuse are also very real, and they run deep too. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse — sometimes even more so.

Also Some Abuse is About the Money:  Economic or financial abuse:  A subtle form of emotional abuse.  Remember, an abuser’s goal is often to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so.  Economic or financial abuse can include:

 Rigidly controlling your finances.

 Withholding money or credit cards.

 Making you account for every penny you spend.

 Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

 Restricting you to an allowance.

 Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

 Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly).

 Stealing from you or taking your money.

 

 Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power.  Some of these tactics are very effective and leave lasting damages and scars in their wake:

1.  Dominance –  Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. Sometimes, they will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may even treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
2.  Humiliation –  An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave.  Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
3.  Isolation –  In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world.  He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school.  You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
4.  Threats –  Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, or to harm or kill your children, or other family members, or even pets.  He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, threaten to file false charges against you, or to report you to child services.
5.  Intimidation –  Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
6.  Denial and blame –  Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

On the other Hand, there are times when a Woman can be Abusive as well.  What about a case where a Woman is the Abuser?

  From "10 Signs of an Abusive Wife and How to Deal with It" By Sylvia Smith, Expert Blogger Verified Marriage & Family Therapist Approved By Angela Welch, LMFT (7 May, 2021).

  According to this author, some of Women's types of abuse can include:

Controlling behavior

Verbal abuse

Violence

Extreme jealousy

Unreasonable reactions

Isolation

Instills fear

Blames everyone else

Gaslighting

Inability to handle criticism

(Source).

Discussion Question: What Tactics Have I Used to Take Control?  Did it work?:

*** Please CLICK HERE, to Complete your Types of DV Worksheet. ***

(Originally Posted, 8/28/2020)

Sources: https://www.cobar.org/index.cfm/ID/21062

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#emotional

(For info on DV in LBGTQ Relationships: http://www.humanservices.alberta.ca/documents/NCN1375-abuse-in-same-sex-LGBTQ-relationships-booklets.pdf)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

The Fallacy of the Virtues of Taking Control: Letting go of Our Need to take Control in Relationships

Think about it: How many times in a relationship, have you asked yourself, "Is what I am doing in this situation REALLY WHAT I NEED to be doing right now?  Is this REALLY for my own GOOD?  Is this really for anyone else's good?  Or am I just chasing an idea like a Racing Hound chasing a clay bunny rabbit around and around and around the Racetrack and the same circle over and over again...  only to NEVER catch the Rabbit!  Did you ever stop to think about that Hound Dog... even if she wins; she don't get paid a penny?

  New Idea:  We Humans can barely control ourselves sometimes...   So why do we continue to think that we can control anyone else?  

  So what's say we examine "Control" in Relationships from a Who, What, When, Where, Why and How kind of model so we can put things into perspective?

  Who do we usually try to take control of?  We try to control our partners.  And others... 

  What do we usually try to take control of?  I propose that We do things to control our partners so that we can feel more secure in our relationships.  And so that we can feel better.  So that we can feel better about ourselves in the long run.  So that we can feel better about our partners.  So that we can feel more secure and trusting of our partners.  And so that we can feel more secure as individuals.  

  When do we usually try to take control?  Some of us do it all the time.  Others only do it when they feel it's necessary -- when they feel insecure -- when they feel like this train is heading for a wreck.  When there's a crisis afoot...  

  We also tend to try and control our partners when we feel threatened.  And the weirdest part about this is that we tend to do this because we feel threatened (Like she's gonna break up with me and run off with Johnny Sancho...).  Or like if it's a he, he's gonna run off to the drug dealer again and spend all of our money... including the welfare.  

  And then we end up making our partner feel threatened through our controlling behaviors.  And this is all because we felt threatened in the first place.  Yet our partner probably wasn't trying to threaten us at all.  How much sense does that really make?

  Think about it: Is this an effective way to manage a relationship?  Much less, to manage Love....  

  And by the way, Is this really love?

  Where do we usually try to take control?  We do this where ever we feel it necessary...  The strange thing about this is that it is rarely -- if ever -- truly necessary.  Yet we feel it appropriate to do anyway: We do it out in public... right in front of others.. including kids.  We do it in private too.

  And to add insult to injury, we then try to control whether or not our partner tells anyone else about it.  Here we are being disloyal to our own selves by violating another person's Rights...  Yet, we accuse them of being "disloyal" because they told someone about it.  Does that really make any sense?

  Why do we usually try to take control?  We try to control other adults in our lives (i.e., especially our partner(s)) so that we can feel better about ourselves.  So that we can feel more secure and comfortable.  Are you really paying attention here yet?  "It's like we're trying to meet our own needs through somebody else's vulnerabilities.  Which is really sad and ironic and confusing, especially considering the likely-hood that the person we are trying to control -- is/are probably vulnerable with us simply because they love us."  

  How do we try to take control? How do we try to Control people???  There are many ways we do this.  We try to control what they think, who they see, what they do, how they do it, what they watch, how they feel, who they like, who they are close to, what they eat, how much they drink, who they are alone with, what they don't do, where they can be,  what they want, how they dress, who they talk to, who is a friend of theirs on FaceBook, what they feel about certain things, who they vote for, how much they spend, and on and on and on... 

  In all of our confusion, How do we justify all of this?  

  Well, a lot of times, we call it "LOVE"!!!  

  But it's important to get that the problem here is that if I am trying to change someone else... this is probably NOT Love.  

  Why not?  Because Love is the willingness and the ability to accept someone for who they are and with all their perfections and imperfections right now, right now....... right now.......   and later on and right now again .. and RIGHT NOW and later on, and on and on!!!

  We even try to rationalize or excuse this controlling behavior as, "Oh, I'm only doing this for her / him...."  Or, "He or She just doesn't know what's good for him/her... now does he?  That's why I do it.  And I'll keep doing it even if it kills me!  WHY???  Because I love her/him!!!  Don't you get it?  I love her/him!!!

  We even think it's good for us too.... when in many MANY MANY ways, It's NOT good for us at all.  Nor is it likely to be good for anyone else for that matter.

  But there is this Basic Rule in Life that we seem to forget sometimes.  And it is a very important rule that applies here.  It goes like this:  

I cannot really LOVE any other person in full; 

                                until I start to learn how to fully LOVE myself."  

   I have to love me before I can really love someone else.  This begs the question: If I'm with someone who I want to change in a significant way; then how is that loving me -- or loving them?  In many cases this is not love at all.  Not love for me or for him or her either.  

  Why shouldn't we just try and control ourselves then... instead of trying to control or trying to change those people that we say we love?  Think about it for a minute.

So NOW let's take a DEEPER LOOK at HOW we sometimes try to CONTROL OTHERS:

The Fallacy of Control applies here:

  The Term Fallacy can be defined in the following ways: A mistaken belief, especially one based on unsound argument.  Faulty reasoning; misleading or unsound argument.  A failure in reasoning which renders an argument invalid.  An Example of a fallacy would be: "The notion that the camera never lies (Source).  But the problem is that all you gotta do is crop somebody out of a picture, and then the camera lies like a dog...

Power and control

  Control Has long been believed to be a frequent contributor to Domestic Violence.  People who commit DV, often do so in an attempt to try and take control of a situation that for some reason, they feel they need to try and Control, or to change, or even to keep the same.

  From that point on, it is believed that a person committing DV is either trying to use Control to gain Power over their partner and what their partner does; or is trying to use Power to gain Control over their partner.  (Read Here about the Duluth Power & Control Wheels / Also watch this Video).

  We tend to try and Control our partners via various methods and avenues, such as those listed below in what one might call, "the Steps in the DANCE of Controlling Behaviors":  

  On one hand, we may be trying for feel safer when we try to take control.  We may be trying to feel more secure.  Or the Codependents among us may be thinking that we are trying to help someone else through our own controlling behavior.  But unfortunately, when we attempt to control others (such as our partners) or we try to do similar things to others; it often comes across as something totally different -- and even unacceptable, if not just plain abusive.   

Question: What does control Look Like in a relationship? 

(Instructions: The following list contains some common forms of abusive (and controlling) behaviors.  Read each item and then think to yourself about whether or not you have ever acted in this way towards an intimate partner.  Then Circle, Checkmark, Jot Down or Memorize each behavior that you have done in the past. And Remember, being thoughtful and honest about your past is essential to positive change.)  But also that you really don't have to tell anyone else about your findings here.  But it helps to give it some thought.  (Source of this List is From a Handout on the Web: "Violence, Abuse and Controlling Behaviors Checklist"):

 

  Think about it:  How might these behaviors be (or at least appear to be) used in an attempt to control someone?

Emotional (How might these Tactics serve to Control a Partner?) 

Yelling

Swearing

Put downs and name calling

Making fun of the other person

Insulting/mistreating her/his family or her / his children

Humiliating her / him in public or in front of friends/family

Criticizing or finding fault in her / his behavior, feelings or ideas

Blaming her / him for  the problems in my life

Failing to take her / his concerns, feelings or needs seriously

Isolating myself from the family for long periods of time

Making jealous accusations

Spying on my partner. 

Making her / him account for where and how she / he spends her / his time

Verbally attacking her / his friends

Putting down her / his goals for herself / himself, her ' his education and/or her / his work

Controlling conversations by changing topics, interrupting, not listening, not responding or twisting her / his words

Being manipulative

Lying

Withholding important information

Deciding what’s “logical” or important -- and what's not

Cheating on her / him

Repeatedly not following through on my promises

Being undependable / unreliable

         Being disrespectful 

Blaming her / him for my violence

Pressuring her / him to forget or to “get over” my abusiveness to her / him

Denying her / his feelings of anger, hurt or mistrust caused by my abuse

“Acting like their Father or Mother”: (How might these Tactics serve to Control a Partner?)

Setting rules for her / him

Giving her / him an allowance

Telling her  / him what she / he can and cannot do or what she / he can or cannot buy

Controlling all the money in the house

Telling her / him what she / he can or cannot wear outside of the house

Withholding money, car or other financial resources

Controlling the use of the TV, Computer, Telephones and/or other appliances

Automatically assuming that childrearing/household chores are her / his responsibility

Substance Abuse or Using drugs, including alcohol in ways destructive to yourself and your family: (How might these Tactics serve to Control a Partner?)

Spending money needed for bills

Losing my job

Losing a home or car

Driving dangerously (with her / him and/or the kids in the car)

Being physically or emotionally abusive while under the influence

Using abuse to obtain money for alcohol or drugs

Being abusive when confronted about my drinking or drugging

Sabotaging Outside Relationships In order to isolate or embarrass my partner: 

(How might these Tactics serve to Control a Partner?)

Checking up on her / him by calling or following her / him around

Pumping the children for information about her / his behavior

Attacking the friends she / he spends time with

Accusing her / him of having affairs

Not allowing her / him to have male friends / female friends or work with male / female coworkers

Refusing to watch the children so she / he cannot go out

Grilling her / him when she / he comes home

Keeping her / him tied down with children

Using religious teachings to control her / his behavior

Showing up places unexpectedly

Checking mileage on her car

Taping her / his phone calls

Using caller ID and call back features to check on her / him

Taking her / his keys

Tampering with her / his car

Physically or verbally harassing other men / women in her / his life

 

Threatening/ Intimidation: (How might these Tactics serve to Control a Partner?)

Punching walls

Breaking or destroying furniture or dishes or other precious items

Throwing objects

Overturning furniture

Driving fast or dangerously with others in car

Raising my fist

Slamming things during an argument

Cornering her / him

Ripping up pictures, letters or other personal possessions

Hurting or killing a pet

Keeping a weapon around which frightens her / him

Threatening her with or by pointing a weapon at her / him

Boasting about my ability to hurt people

Telling stories about my violent past

Threatening her / him with martial arts or military experience

Threatening to hit, slap, punch, or kick her

Threatening to hurt her / his children

Threaten to hurt her / his family or friends

Threats to hurt myself if she / he doesn’t do what I want

Suicidal gestures

Threaten to take legally or illegally take custody of children

Threatening to report her / him to the authorities or CPS

Threatening financial abandonment of her / him or children

Threatening divorce when I don't really mean it

Threatening to betray her / his secrets

Creating an atmosphere of fear in the household

Physical Violence: (How might these Tactics serve to Control a Partner?)

Slap

Punch

Choke

Push

Restrain

Kicking

Biting 

Thrown down

Pull hair

Pinch

Spit on her / him

Strike with weapon, including knife, stick, etc.

Use gun, rifle or bow to hurt Her / Him

 

Sexual Abuse: (How might these Tactics serve to Control a Partner?)

Refusing to use birth control

Stopping her / him from using birth control

Withholding information about my HIV or other STD status

Pressuring her / him to have sex when she’s ill or not feeling well

Making a scene when she / he does not want to have sex

Withholding Sex 

Threatening to “get sex somewhere else”

Pressuring her / him to have “make up” sex after my abuse

Putting down her / his sexual performance

Pressuring her / him to watch pornography

Using sexually degrading language

Pressuring her / him to have sex because of my financial support or religious beliefs

Threatening physical harm to obtain sex

Forcing her / him to do painful or humiliating things during sex

Forcing her / him to prostitute herself / himself

Forcing her / him to watch me have sex with another person

Having an affair

Visiting prostitutes

         Publishing private, sexual images of her / him

(The above is just a partial list of ways to try and control a partner.)

  *** Please Click Here to Complete 

                 Your Controlling Behaviors Worksheet. *** 

  How about a little bit of CONTROLLING, CO-Dependent Music for you Tune Lovers out there:

Sundown

  Now reflect for a minute... How might some of these behaviors actually be attempts to control a partner?  And isn't it kind of ironic how doing these things are sometimes about making me feel good about myself?

>>> Please REMEMBER:  When we have an urge to control or to change our partner(s), it is often really just a simple matter of us having a need to control or change ourselves instead....  

  In moving forward, one of the most important tasks in life is to learn how to tell the difference between that which one can control and that which one cannot control and/or should never even try to control.

I'm Gonna Make You Love Me

"To Love Somebody" Bee Gees!!!

Haitian Divorce

Going to California

 (Originally posted 12/7/2020)

Sources:

"List of Abusive/Controlling Behaviors": Violence, Abuse and Controlling Behaviors Checklist: From: ©1996, revised 1999 The Non-Violence Alliance, 353 Main Street Middletown, CT 06457 1-860-347-8220).

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).