Recognizing, Respecting and Setting Boundaries for Healthy Relationships

  What are Boundaries?  Who sets Boundaries?  Why do we need Boundaries?  What happens without Boundaries?  Do other people need Boundaries?  Do other people respect our Boundaries?  

Do we respect the Boundaries of others?  Do we respect our own Boundaries?  What might Boundaries have to do with a Healthy Relationship.  Or better still, What might Boundaries have to do with Domestic Violence?

  Boundaries can be defined as: “A line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.  Or a limit of a subject or sphere of activity” (Source).

 According to Wikipedia, “Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.[1] They are built out of a mix of conclusions, beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning.[2][3] This concept or life skill has been widely referenced in self-help books and used in the counseling profession since the mid-1980s.[4]

  "According to some counselors, personal boundaries help to define an individual by outlining likes and dislikes, and setting the distances one allows others to approach.[5] They include physical, mental, psychological and spiritual boundaries, involving beliefs, emotions, intuitions and self-esteem.[6] Jacques Lacan considered such boundaries to be layered in a hierarchy, reflecting "all the successive envelopes of the biological and social status of the person".[7] Personal boundaries operate in two directions, affecting both the incoming and outgoing interactions between people.[8] These are sometimes referred to as the "protection" and "containment" functions.[2]”  (Source).

  Wikipedia goes on to state that: “The personal boundaries concept is particularly pertinent in environments with controlling people or people not taking responsibility for their own life.[11]

  Co-Dependents Anonymous recommends setting limits on what members will do to and for people and on what members will allow people to do to and for them, as part of their efforts to establish autonomy from being controlled by other people's thoughts, feelings and problems.[13]

  The National Alliance on Mental Illness tells its members that establishing and maintaining values and boundaries will improve the sense of security, stability, predictability and order, in a family even when some members of the family resist.  NAMI contends that boundaries encourage a more relaxed, nonjudgmental atmosphere and that the presence of boundaries need not conflict with the need for maintaining an understanding atmosphere.[14] ”   (Source).

 

“Risks of re-establishing (Boundaries)

 (Dr. B. says, "Okay, so let's say you and this other person have been really close for 6 months now.  But then, all the sudden, this person is not returning your phone calls. Whereas you used to talk to each other at least one time per day.  How would you feel?  How would anyone feel?  (Answer:  Perhaps the other person is "re-establishing boundaries" but didn't bother to tell you about it...).  It is important to note that re-establishing boundaries can cause friction.  At the same time, some people re-establish boundaries for their own wellbeing.  And we cannot argue with that.  However, perhaps we could at least hope they would be so kind as to give a warning before hand.")

 Feelings about Boundaries re-Appearing:  Music:  McCartney, No Longer Needs You

  In Families and How to Survive Them, Robin Skynner MD explains methods for how family therapists can effectively help family members to develop clearer values and boundaries by when treating them, drawing lines, and treating different generations in different compartments[15] – something especially pertinent in families where unhealthy enmeshment overrides normal personal values.[16] However, the establishment of personal values and boundaries in such instances may produce a negative fall-out,[16] if the pathological state of enmeshment had been a central attraction or element of the relationship.[17] This is especially true if the establishment of healthy boundaries results in unilateral limit setting which did not occur previously. It is important to distinguish between unilateral limits and collaborative solutions in these settings.[2] ”   (Source). 

Dr. B. says, "In other words, if we wish to change our boundaries, it is quite possibly more productive and even more kind and considerate in many cases, if we do this in collaboration with the other person." 

Clarity around Boundaries:

  Clarity around Boundaries is important.  Sometimes we break boundaries on purpose.  Other times, we just notice that they are there -- just in time before we break them -- whether we were told so or not.  

  Boundaries are not always about excluding people...   They often keep people together.  Such as the Boundaries in a Prison.  

  Boundaries help us know where we can go and where we must not go.  But, each person has her or his own boundaries also.  

  Sometimes, one needs to set boundaries around what is going on between themselves and their partner.  Other times, everything is A-okay... without setting boundaries.

Respecting Boundaries:  

  Boundaries are really important.  However, Boundaries can be meaningless if we do not respect the Boundaries of others; and if we do not also expect other adults to respect our Boundaries.

“Respect is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. ... Respect means that you recognize that your partner is a whole person, and not just a way to get something that you want. It means that you know your partner has different experiences and opinions from you, and that's ok.  When we respect Boundaries: 

• 1.       We Demonstrate trust.

• 2.       We are mindful of how we communicate.

• 3.       We are reliable and accountable.

• 4.       We Encourage time apart.

• 5.       We Appreciate our differences.

• 6.       We Get to know ourselves and the other.

“Showing respect may sound complicated, but it’s really not.

It all comes down to listening to your partner, and being kind to them. If your partner wants to know where you are all the time, frequently accuses you of lying or cheating, puts you down, calls you names, or is in any way physically aggressive, you may be in an abusive relationship. Abusive relationships are based on power and control, rather than respect.” (Source).

  So, we really need to be respectful of our partners.  And a big part of that is Respecting her or his Boundaries.  It starts with Learning about your own Boundaries.  Then learning about your partner's Boundaries...  Learning how to Listen and and learning how to Care - and learning how to be Respectful -- no matter what's going.  And if there is a big difference, then it can be about learning how to negotiate and learning how to compromise.

 -- Remember: The faster and better one Respects a Partner's Boundaries -- almost no matter what they are -- the better the likelihood that one will be happier in the Relationship as it progresses.

What Types of Boundaries are there:

  Legal Boundaries -- The Bill of Rights and Constitution in the U.S.A. defined our Legal Boundaries as Americans.  Our Laws and Codes.

  Boundaries in Sports -- Out of Bounds or In Bounds.

  Moral Boundaries -- Our Moral Boundaries are summarized by Rules of Various Institutions and/or Dogma, such as the Honor Code at a University, as well as lists such as the 10 Commandments.

  Instrumental Boundaries – A Code of Conduct at Work.  Or the U.S. Marines who state: "Our Core Values are Honor, Courage and Commitment, and if you are to become one of us, they will be the values you live by and fight with as well."  Many believe that without these Core Values, the Marine Corps would not be as powerful as they are.

  Communal Boundaries – The "12 Steps" and the "12 Traditions" of AA, NA, CoDa, OA, ACOA or other 12-Step based Groups.  Land Covenants are examples of Communal Boundaries -- such as what color to paint your fences.

  National Boundaries – Obvious….  The Borders between different countries.

  Personal Boundaries– We are free to set these ourselves.  (Includes: Boundaries for Bio Family vs. Legal Family; Immediate Family vs. Extended Family; Biological Kin vs. Psychological Kin; Family vs. Friends; Boundaries for Friends vs. Acquaintances; Boundaries for Friends vs. Co-Workers; Boundaries for Known persons, versus Strangers.)  

Cultural Boundaries -- often based on Cultural Traditions.  In-Culture vs. Out-Culture.

Racial Boundaries -- Some have been unjust at times such as Apartheid and Segregation.  Whereas, others have been inclusive Racial Boundaries, meaning if you are one of us, then  you can come in.  Some Racial Boundaries are Formalized and some are not.  

Boundaries around Communications -- How to communicate and whether to communicate are common places for boundaries... for example, on an Emergency Dispatch Radio -- certain codes are used to indicate certain things.  Truckers and CB.  Ham Radio Operators have their own Codes.  Also, the Military uses different codes for different commands -- different expectations and styles and codes of conduct for communication transmission.  For example, during WWII, the German Central Command broadcasted the word "Dusseldorf" in order to tell their Commanders in the field that it was time to Invade Russia.

Boundaries around Reactions to things when Angry or Insecure -- we are not supposed to show too much emotion in many cases.  In other cases you can be yourself.  And still in some cases, if you do not cry, people will look at you weird.  Also, Big boys don't cry.

Boundaries around the acceptable extent of BOTH Good and Bad extremes.  It's one thing to be Bad, but don't be too bad.  Or like, "I may be a fool, but I ain't stupid.... I realize I'm younger than you, but I wasn't born yesterday."  Or the differences between a peaceful protest and a riot.

Coming from differences in Philosophy -- Different philosophies have different ideas about Boundaries -- Structuralism is largely about how something looks or how it is shaped; whereas Functionalism is largely about how well something Functions.  These takes on philosophy can effect a lot of things between people and between groups.  There is such a thing as Philosophical Differences.  

Boundaries about How to deal with Conflict (Inclusive Humanism (do we view it as us Humans all together and humans with differences together -- kind of like the way that Dr. King did); versus Forceful Invasion (us against them)) or exclusion or segregation based on beliefs of differences within a Win or Lose Paradigm.

Boundaries about how to Celebrate -- Some folks don't drink, but they do smoke weed.  Whereas some folks, don't ever use any mind-altering substances.  Finally, the daily drinker probably does not view drinking as a form of celebration any more due to his or her dependence on Alcohol.  More so he or she might now view drinking as a way to keep from shaking and a way to feel better.  Whereas for others, drinking is a party.

Boundaries around sex.  Some folks go one way; others go both ways.  

Boundaries around the house/home.  Who cleans up, who is allowed to make decisions about what color to paint the dining room?  What time is each person's bedtime?  Who decides?  What about the temperature preferences?  And who's paying the rent anyway?

Boundaries around work.  These days, work is supposed to be safe.  It was not always that way.  Boundaries around whether to clock in on a clock, or to keep your own time... or even just accept a salary.  And there's contract work with a piece of paper setting the boundaries.

Boundaries around predicting the future.  Is it possible?  What about magic?  What about telepathy.  Some people still view Edgar Cayce's work on Extrasensory Perception (ESP), Telepathy, Mind-Reading as the "occult"; other's view it as good science.  Still others view it as the work of the Devil.  

Boundaries around what is love.  What does Love mean to you?  What does it mean to your partner?  Sometimes, one might think they are showing Love to a partner, who perceives it as something other than Love.  And then there's Tough Love and Unconditional Love.

Boundaries around roles.  What is a Husband's role; versus a Wife's role.  Do both Husband and Wife have the same privileges -- the same boundaries -- or the same amount of power?    

Boundaries about each person trusting the other person to set their own boundaries.  Do both parties agree to this?  Who sets your Boundaries for you?

Boundaries around being more involved in the Community; versus being less involved in the Community.

Boundaries around whether or not we are in a committed relationship.  Are we?  A lot of times, people make the wrong assumptions about this.  Further, some couples eventually find that each person has a different idea of what is "being in a committed relationship".  For example, some people believe that once a committed relationship starts, the other person should not have friends outside of the relationship -- much less friends who are of the opposite sex -- or even friends that used to be lovers....  What do you think?  People tend to have boundaries around this stuff.

What about Boundaries for Ex's -- some Ex's wanna be friends.  Other's don't.  

Boundaries around sticking to our agreements -- What is it if one person feels one way about an agreement that was made; where as another person feels different about it.

“Complicating factors

  Mental illness: People with certain mental conditions are predisposed to controlling behavior including those with obsessive compulsive disorder, paranoid personality disorder,[18] borderline personality disorder,[19] and narcissistic personality disorder,[20] attention deficit disorder,[21] and the manic state of bipolar disorder[21] (Source).

Dr. B. says, "This description (above) does not always apply to everyone with such Disorders."

  Borderline personality disorder (BPD): There is a tendency for loved ones of people with BPD to slip into caretaker roles, giving priority and focus to problems in the life of the person with BPD rather than to issues in their own lives. Too often in these relationships, the codependent will gain a sense of worth by being "the sane one" or "the responsible one".[22] 

  Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD): For those involved with a person with NPD, values and boundaries are often challenged as narcissists have a poor sense of self and often do not recognize that others are fully separate and not extensions of themselves. Those who meet their needs and those who provide gratification may be treated as if they are part of the narcissist and expected to live up to their expectations.[24]”  (Source).

 “Codependency: 

  Codependency often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[25]

  While a healthy relationship depends on the emotional space provided by personal boundaries,[26] codependent personalities have difficulties in setting such limits, so that defining and protecting boundaries efficiently may be for them a vital part of regaining mental health.[16]

Dr. B says, "A person with Codependency might need to let go in order to feel okay -- in order regain their own Mental Health ... yet... such persons might also have a very difficult time letting go."  

  In a codependent relationship, the codependent's sense of purpose is based on making extreme sacrifices to satisfy their partner's needs. Codependent relationships signify a degree of unhealthy clinginess, where one person doesn't have self-sufficiency or autonomy. One or both parties depend on the other for fulfilment.[27] There is usually an unconscious reason for continuing to put another person's life first, often for the mistaken notion that self-worth comes from other people. ”   (Source).

“Dysfunctional family:  

  Demanding parent: In the dysfunctional family the child learns to become attuned to the parent's needs and feelings instead of the other way around.[28]

  Demanding child: Parenting is a role that requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice and giving a child's needs a high priority. A parent can, nevertheless, be codependent towards a child if the caretaking or parental sacrifice reaches unhealthy or destructive levels.[29]”   (Source)."

 

“Communal influences: Freud described the loss of conscious boundaries that may occur when an individual is in a unified, fast-moving crowd.[30]

  (Dr. B. says:  In other words, some people lose track of who they are individually and/or their own sense of Boundries, when they are focusing intensely on being in a Group.  It might be possible that this is one reason that some people are willing to undergo hazing rituals -- even dangerous ones.)

  Almost a century later, Steven Pinker took up the theme of the loss of personal boundaries in a communal experience, noting that such occurrences could be triggered by intense shared ordeals like hunger, fear or pain, and that such methods were traditionally used to create liminal conditions in initiation rites.[31] Jung had described this as the absorption of identity into the collective unconscious.[32]

  Rave culture has also been said to involve a dissolution of personal boundaries, and a merger into a binding sense of communality.[33]”  (Source).

“Unequal power relations: Also unequal relations of political and social power influence the possibilities for marking cultural boundaries and more generally the quality of life of individuals.[34] Unequal power in personal relationships, including abusive relationships, can make it difficult for individuals to mark boundaries”   (Source).

“Anger: Anger is a normal emotion that involves a strong uncomfortable and emotional response to a perceived provocation. Often, it indicates when one's personal boundaries are violated. Anger may be utilized effectively by setting boundaries or escaping from dangerous situations.[35]” (Source).

 

Discussion Questions:

What does it mean when someone loves you?  Is your meaning the same as your partner's?  Do they have to be?

Boundaries around caring.. who's caring for whom?  Who is to take care of whom?  Who is most dependent on the other?  Who is most dependent on her or his own self?

What are some boundaries you feel you could have (or should have) set before in the relationship where you got your DV charge?

List some Boundaries that you would like to have now in a Relationship?

Am I worthy enough to set my own boundaries when I feel a need or a desire to do so?

Am I wise enough to know which boundaries to set?

Am I skilled enough to know how to appropriately set the boundaries that I need or want?

Am I strong enough to live with the boundaries that I have set?

Am I flexible enough to change boundaries when it is appropriate?

How do we react when someone else sets Boundaries that impact us?  

Am I a good enough of a Communicator to be able to Negotiate and Compromise with the other person, and to set boundaries Collaboratively when it's appropriate?

*** Please Remember.... Boundaries in Relationships are a Mutual kind of thing.  And while one might not agree with, or like a Boundary that their Partner has set; One should probably try one's best to accept that Boundary until further notice.... regardless of what that Boundary is.  

*** Please Click HERE to Complete Your Healthy Boundaries Worksheet ***

Music:  McCartney, For No One

       Probably better just to feel your way through Heartbreaking Boundaries, than to risk a DV Charge by going Redneck Crazy...

Sources: 

• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_boundaries
• https://www.teenhealthcare.org/blog/6-ways-to-show-respect-in-your-relationship/#:~:text=Respect%20is%20the%20cornerstone%20of%20any%20healthy%20relationship.&text=Respect%20means%20that%20you%20recognize,from%20you%2C%20and%20that's%20ok

 (c. 2021, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

DENIAL: What Does My Denial Look Like?

*** DRAFT POSTING *** PLEASE DO NOT COPY OR DISTRIBUTE  *** THANKYOU ***

 The DVOMB Core Competencies states that every person with a DV Offense MUST do the Following:

"E. We have to Accept full responsibility for our actions

 1. Disclose our History of abuse

 2. Put a Stop to our denial and minimization

 3. Increase our self-disclosure over time

 4. Accept our responsibility for the impact of the abuse on others

 5. Recognize that our abusive behavior is unacceptable"

REQUIREMENTS?

  >>> Give A Genuine Response versus a Pretend Response

  >>> Denial can be a majorly simple concept.  However, the sticky webs of Denial that our minds construct can be quite complicated.  So in order to simplify it, Today, we are discussing these particular questions: 

What is Denial: 

Denial might be a state in which we sometimes get stuck.  Sometimes we get stuck because we don't know any better.  Other times we get stuck because we don't want to change.

  AI Suggests that “In psychology, denial is a defense mechanism that causes a person to refuse to acknowledge or recognize objective facts or experiences.  It's an unconscious process that can help people cope with difficult situations that might otherwise make them feel afraid, ashamed, depressed, or worried.” (SOURCE.)

  Psychology Today and Very Well Mind suggest that: “Denial is a type of defense mechanism that involves ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety. 

  Defense mechanisms are strategies that people use to cope with distressing feelings. In the case of denial, it can involve not acknowledging reality or denying the consequences of that reality” (SOURCE).

  Oxford Reference suggests that Denial is: “a psychological process in which an individual refuses to accept an aspect of reality despite robust evidence of this. It is seen particularly in dying patients who refuse to accept their impending death and in those who have problems with alcohol or drug dependency.” (SOURCE.)

  In Social Work, “Denial is a type of defense mechanism that involves ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety. 

  In the case of denial, it can involve not acknowledging reality or denying the consequences of that reality.”

  Denial often protects us from the bitter realities of our life. 

 Harvard Health Publishing suggests that Denial involves the following:

  “What is denial?  In psychological terms, denial is a defense mechanism, a skillful tool the mind can employ when things get tough. "I see it as a protective barrier we have that we might or might not be aware of," Scholl says. "It keeps us safe. It also keeps us from looking at ourselves or addressing something around us and making a change."

  In other words, you can be in denial about something that you're not ready to admit or take on; or you can be in denial about something that challenges deeply held beliefs.

  A Lot Of Times, Our Things We Should Probably Be Aware of or Remember Accurately Either get Repressed or Suppressed and so we don't recall them for a long time. But other times, we triggered by some sort of reminder.  And next thing we know, our Trauma comes to the front.   

Common triggers that can make one recall something that they one has held in denial can involve

• abuse (mental, emotional, physical, verbal, sexual, financial, or other types of abuse)
• alcohol in excess or other substance use, or substance use disorder
• lifestyle or family issues
• medical diagnoses
• mental health issues
• politics
• smoking
• unhealthy weight gain.

How does denial help us?

  Denial can shield us from difficult emotions. Scholl says that might be helpful in the short term, and provide relief to people who don't have the bandwidth or ability to face a problem.

  For example, maybe someone is unhappy in a relationship, but the thought of being alone is worse than the thought of being together -- (Even when they are abusive). Or perhaps someone is burned out or overwhelmed, and lacks the energy or emotional capacity for accepting what's happening. "Part of the person feels it's easier not to think about the situation, and lets it go because it feels like it's too much to handle right now," Scholl says.

 

How can denial hurt us?

  In dangerous or unhealthy situations, denial can hurt us.  How?  Because, sometimes we stay in situations that could cause us (or someone else) serious harm; yet we stay anyway.  We take risks that are probably not good for us.  

  For example, keeping our eyes shut about the realities of a physical or mental illness can lead to serious health consequences. "We see a lot of teens with depression and substance use disorders, and some parents deny there are problems because they're afraid of what it means for the child. It comes from a place of worry," Scholl says. "But denying problems can hurt children and block them from making meaningful change."

  Denial can also hurt when it involves addiction or abuse (as well). Those problems affect everyone in a family, and can lead to unhealthy patterns that get passed down from one generation to the next.

 

Spotting behavior patterns that suggest denial

  People in denial often exhibit certain behaviors. For example, they might:

  >>> minimize or justify problems, issues, or unhealthy behaviors; or 

  >>> avoid thinking about their problems -- by using, alcohol, drugs or sex -- or even gambling; or 

            >>> avoid taking responsibility for unhealthy behaviors, or        blame them on someone else; and 

>>> refuse to talk about certain issues, and get defensive when the subjects are brought up. 

 

     Moving from denial toward meaningful change

Dealing with denial means first recognizing that it's occurring — which can be a challenge for anyone — and then addressing the underlying issue that's causing it.

  If you recognize denial in yourself, Scholl advises that you reach out for help. Talk to someone close to you or get an outside opinion from a therapist, a spiritual counselor, your doctor, or a hotline number, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline if you're experiencing intimate partner violence. For addiction problems, make that first call to a substance use disorder hotline or recovery center, or try attending just one meeting of a 12-step program (such as Alcoholics Anonymous). In time, you can learn to face your fears or concerns, and develop a concrete plan to change.

Recognizing denial in others: Tread carefully

  If you recognize denial in others and you'd like to point it out, tread very carefully. Seek guidance from experts before taking on a situation that could be dangerous to you or to the other person.

  If the situation is not dangerous, be as compassionate as possible. "Have a warm and empathetic conversation in an environment without distractions," Scholl says. "Express your love and point out what you're seeing. Talk about how it affects you. And then give it time. You can't force anyone to change. All you can do is plant a seed.” (SOURCE.)

DENIAL IN DV:

  "Denial of responsibility takes place when the abuser attempts to shift blame from themselves on to others. The abuser denies responsibility by claiming the abusive act was an accident, or by arguing that it was secondary to stress, alcohol, or just a bad day."  

  In Psychology Today, Lamber (2024) writes about: "Denial for the Perpetrator and Survivor of Intimate Partner Abuse"  (She also separates the ideas of Perpetrator Denial versus Survivor Denial):

  "A Perpetrator’s Denial looks like The coercive partner who seeks to be in charge in an intimate relationship utilizes many tactics to obtain and maintain this power. Central to this stance is the defense of externalization that shows up as excessive blaming and holding their partner responsible. Attempts by their partner to speak up about their perspective or push back results in them often being accused of being the abusive one or the “gaslighter.” Thus, the abuser sustains a deep denial of their hurtful abusive behavior sidestepping taking any responsibility at all costs."

  "A Survivor’s Denial looks like "The recipient of psychological abuse from an intimate partner usually doesn’t see or experience coercion at the beginning of the relationship. In part, it’s intentionally not demonstrated by the interested partner who is “courting” to win over someone of interest. It’s often a slow and insidious process where coercive intents are embedded in seemingly normal behavior that can be missed. Eventually, it shows up in earnest upon living together, marriage, pregnancy, or the birth of the first child.

  Concurrently, a coercive partner’s behavior fluctuates and can be “kind and caring” at times. It’s during these times when the person they met while “courting” might appear to have returned—giving hope for lasting change—that denial of the previous hurtful behavior kicks in. Sadly, these favorable periods never last and only serve to offer ongoing intermittent hope and reinforce denial of the abuse." (Source).

  So Denial is kind of like a Double-Edged Sword.  It can help one through a difficult time, by reducing the initial shock of a tragedy.  But it can also be extremely costly and even dangerous if one does not realize the danger prior to it being too late to change course. 

  +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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(c. 2020-2024, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

It Really is all About Power and Control, Right? What would you do if...?

Think about it: What would you do if???  How might you feel if....???  What would you need ... ???  What you gonna do when... ???  What would you think if... ???

 -- What would you do if you came home and your partner was not there when they said they would be there -- and they did not show up for about an hour or so -- with no explanation?  No apology?  What would you think?

-- What would you say if your partner became angry over something they thought you said or did and they then proceeded to call you every name in the book?  What would you think?  What would you say?

  Maybe there is not always an easy answer to every situation...  

-- What would you feel if your partner told you that they were thinking about giving up on the relationship with you because they were not feeling like you loved them enough or in the right way(s)?  What would you think?  What would you say?  What would you do?

-- What would you want if your partner refused to carry their fair share of the load around the house or in the workplace or with the kids -- or worse still; what would you feel if you partner was constantly bitter toward you in front of the kids -- calling you names -- putting you down -- although you work 3 jobs to help keep them all sheltered, fed and clothed?  What would you feel?

-- Just exactly HOW LONG could you put up with this without wanting to kill somebody?  (Trigger warning -- Don't go killing anybody.)

   (Try talking to them???  Perhaps suggest Therapy??? (in a really nice gentle Therapy...).

• What are some ways I could successfully navigate a situation like this without using Power and Control?  Like Without even a hint of Power and Control?

• If you response here is "I don't know....."  Then you're on the right track.

• Question -- Where is the POTENTIAL for Power and Control here???  Haw can I successfully navigate this situation without using (or excusing) Power and Control?

-- What would you need if your partner told a really big lie and the proof was sitting right there in front of you.  And when you confronted them about it; they said it was "none of your damn business!"???

• If you response here is "I don't know....."  Then you're on the right track.

• Question -- Where is the POTENTIAL for Power and Control here???  Haw can I successfully navigate this situation without using (or excusing) Power and Control?

 

  Chances are, Domestic Violence has been occurring in various places around the Planet for millennia.  Let that sink in...

  Consequently, there are numerous ideas about how DV starts, what DV is about, why it happens, how it builds up, and what it leads to.  However, no single set of ideas related to the various properties of DV has more credibility among DV Offender Treatment Providers and DV Victim Advocates than the concepts contained in the Power and Control Wheels (as developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, Minnesota, some decades ago.)

Click here for Videos about the Power and Control Wheels and how it all works together.

  One might explain the Power and Control Dynamic in the following way:  In many cases, the primary component is one choosing in a split second or over time to try and use power to try and gain control over something or someone in the relationship; or it is one choosing in a split second or over time to try and use control to try and gain power over something or someone in the relationship.
  These wheels provide a very brief, and easy-to-comprehend set of behaviors that tend to lead to, constitute, or end in Domestic Violence.  Please see these wheels below:
The Power and Control Wheel provides substance for a proscriptive backbone for interventions for Domestic Violence Prevention.

Click here to view a modified Power and Control Wheel.

The Equality Wheel provides substance for a prescriptive pathway toward Domestic Violence Prevention.

Click here to view the Equality Wheel.

The Duluth Model Explained

For Men who are Abuse, Listen to this

Please Tell Us About Your Experience Studying of The Power & Control Wheel and The Equality Wheel.

Please Click Here to Complete your 

"It Is All About Power and Control, Right?" Worksheet!

(Originally Posted 4/20/2021)

Getting Your Personal Change Plan Done -- AGAIN!!!

  Sometimes people might get tired of hearing that they need to put together another Personal Change Plan.  Question: Would I rather have changes that just happen to me -- and even effect me in a bad way?  Or would I rather make the plan myself and hopefully do better in the long run?  The bottom line is that Personal Change is an ongoing thing and one can make a new Personal Change Plan Monthly, Weekly, or even Daily if they really want to.

  From one planning period to another; hopefully things are changing for the better.  It is hoped that anyone who is reading this for the second or third time is doing better now than they were doing when they did their previous plan.

  It might be good somewhere along the lines to think of making a new plan -- The first question being: What progress have I made since the last time I was in the position of making a new plan?

What's all this about the Commitment to Positive Personal Change?   

  Frankly, if one has not yet come to a point where she or he can see a need for some Personal Changes; then one ought to try and think about it some more.  How did I get into this mess?  What is one thing about me, or something that I thought, or something that I did that helped contribute to this tragic series of events?  The fact is that I was there.  Regardless of innocence or guilt, I was there.  Regardless of my intent or my actual thoughts and behaviors that day, I was arrested, charged, prosecuted and here I am.

  What reasonable person would not want to see some sort of a positive change at this point?  So come on!  What are some things that I could change that would help make sure that I never again end up in such a situation?

  

Keep that in mind as we move forward; One foot after another.

 

  The Domestic Violence Offender Management Board of Colorado says that The Personal Change Plan is a written plan for preventing abusive behaviors and also for developing healthy thoughts and behaviors. It further says that everyone here "shall design and implement this plan during treatment and utilize it after discharge."                                     

  The Personal Change Plan primarily encourages a person to really think about the following among other things:

 

    --> Identifying his or her triggers. 

    --> Identifying his or her cycles of abusive thoughts.

    --> Identifying his or her abusive words.

    --> Identifying his or her abusive behaviors.

    --> Coming up with thoughts, words and behaviors that can help him or her turn otherwise 

          potentially abusive situations into situations that are no longer abusive.

    --> Creating a plan for preventing or interrupting the triggers and cycles. 

This is My Promise; My Commitment to Personal Change: 

  “I hereby commit to eliminate abusive behavior; which includes the use of physical intimidation or violence, coercion, emotional, verbal or economic abuse, or psychological cruelty toward my spouse, partner and/or children.  If I do behave abusively in the future, I consider it my responsibility to report or discuss these behaviors honestly with my friends, relatives, probation officer or other interested party who will hold me accountable.”

Then we are asked to think about and list the following: 

• The ways I am going to prevent abusive behavior of any kind are by?  How might I do this???

• The ways I am going to change my thinking so my thoughts and behaviors will be healthy is by?  How might I make this happen???

• If I realize I am in danger of becoming abusive I will do the following?  What are some resources that I have that might help me prevent such a situation?

Some questions to ask yourself as you do this include:

• Am I ready to make some changes?

• Think about It at this point, what kinds of changes have I already made since the DV Offense?

• If I have already made some changes in my life that impact how I hold my Relationships; Are the changes I made working for me?  Or do I need to tweak them around a bit?

• Do you need to make more changes?

 A Good Starter List of Possible Personal Changes to Plan for that Could Help One Prevent DV Is Below:

  Think about it NOW -- Given what I have already learned and I've already changed:   What kinds of changes do I need to make now in order to avoid DV in the future?    For Example, are there more things that I should do; or have I already done everything that I should -- or that I can at this point?
  For example here are some ideas that might inspire some more good changes for me to make.

• Learn how to take Time Outs when I need them.

• Learn how to use Stop, Breathe and Focus when needed.

• Respect yourself and others always.

• Plan Ahead in order to prevent problems -- This includes communication.

• Don't spy on your partner.  Learn how to Trust my partner.

• Avoid Competing with my partner.  Create Win-Win situations.

• Don't be afraid to question myself and my motives some.

• Always be willing to take my time.

• Be Sober.

• Watch out for Red Flags?

• If something in my relationship is Wonderful -- then It might be good to Tell my Partner About It.

• Always remember to give myself positive affirmations.

• Be aware of, and be mindful of my Cognitive Distortions.

• Apply what I know about Relationships in order to have healthy relationships

• Listen to, and pay close attention to my Partner. (Put down the phone, Turn off the TV etc..) when it's time to communicate about important things.

• Learn How to Argue Respectfully -- To avoid fights -- Always be Respectful.

• Learn to always disagree in a Respectful manner.  Create Win-Win solutions.

• Find things about the Relationship that make me feel Happy, Safe and Grateful.

• Am I willing to do things differently this time?

• If you feel a need for Treatment or could benefit from Treatment, then go get it.

• Be Careful.  Be Courteous.  Be Patient.  Be Kind.  Be Humble.  Play nice.

• I should try to be aware of my Triggers.  Try to avoid or prevent situations that tend to trigger me.  Keep my eye on the Ball.

• Learn how to Negotiate and Compromise and to Navigate with Patience.

• Get in the habit of Road-mapping potentially difficult situations.

• Use Fairness in Decision-Making (means everyone agrees or it is not yet fair).

• Be careful never to Fight and never to be Disrespectful.

• Act with Prevention in Mind.  Prevent problems.  Get ahead of the Curve.

• Learn how to appreciate the differences between me and my partner.  

• Try to learn new things from your partner on a regular basis. 

• Never be afraid to look at my partner honestly in terms of what they are contributing to the Relationship.  (But the secret is -- try not to compare what I contribute to what they contribute).

• Learn some good rules for Argument: One thing at a time.  Listen.  Be Flexible.  The objective is to solve the problem; not to win.

• Don't ever try to make my Partner feel Ashamed.

• Stop Keeping Score of things that I do Good for my Partner.

• Stop Keeping Score of things that my Partner did Badly.

• Never be afraid to look at yourself honestly in terms of what I am contributing to the Relationship.

• Always be willing to Re-Think conclusions that do not yield win-win results.

• Wake up every morning and try to think of some things that I feel grateful for.

• Believe in my Self -- Increase my Self-Esteem.  Do things that make me feel good.

• Strive to have lots of FUN with my partner.

• Look for Positive Solutions -- even in Negative Situations

• Always find different ways to tell your partner that I love her or him when I feel that way.

• Remember to try and be Patient with my Partner.

• Don't ever Humiliate my Partner. 

• Trying to find Win-Win Solutions. 

• Never be Afraid to Make Positive Changes (Sometimes the Devil you know is safer than the Devil you don't know.  But all the time, the Devil you know is the Devil.)

• Learn how to give without expecting anything in return.

• Always be Patient with myself.  No one is Perfect.

• Never threaten my Partner in any way.  Don't threaten or scare anyone.

• Always help my Partner feel safe.

• Don't ever call my Partner a Name other than a nice Name.

• Takes some time to jot down all the great things about my partner.

• Make a list of fun and healthy things that I could do to become a better partner.

• And there are many many more ideas on how to have a Healthy Relationship......

MORE IDEAS for A GOOD Personal Change Plan:

  Consider and learn how to develop some of the following Patterns of Thinking, Behaviors and Traits:

Social Support -- "Social support is the perception and actuality that one is cared for, has assistance available from other people, and that one is part of a supportive social network. These supportive resources can be emotional (e.g., nurturance), tangible (e.g., financial assistance), informational (e.g., advice), or companionship (e.g., sense of belonging)and intangible (e.g. personal advice).”  It is frequently a great idea to seek support from trusted friends, family and professionals.

Accountability – “The state of being accountable, liable, or answerable.” Or “"A personal choice to rise above one's circumstances and demonstrate the ownership necessary for achieving desired results—to See It, Own It, Solve It, and Do It." This definition includes a mindset or attitude of continually asking, "What else can I do to rise above my circumstances and achieve the results I desire?" It requires a level of ownership that includes making, keeping and answering for personal commitments.”

Prevention -- “The act or practice of stopping something bad from happening : the act of preventing something.”

Trust and Support -- "Supporting her/his goals in life. Respecting her/his right to her/his own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions." 

Respect -- "Listening to her/him non-judgmentally.  Being emotionally affirming and understanding.  Valuing her/his opinions.  This term essentially means valuing each others point of view. It means being open to being wrong; It means accepting people as they are;  It means not dumping on someone because you're having a bad day;  It means being polite and kind always, because being kind to people is not negotiable;  It means not dissing people because they're different to you; and It means not gossiping about people or spreading lies."

Negotiation and Fairness -- "Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict.  Accepting changes.  Being willing to compromise."  This often requires a bit of patience.

Responsible Parenting -- "Sharing parental responsibilities.  Being a positive, nonviolent role model for the children."

Non-Threatening Behavior -- "Talking and acting so that she or he feels safe and comfortable expressing her/his-self and doing things."

Shared Responsibility -- "Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work.  Making family decisions together."

Economic Partnership -- "Making money decisions together.  Making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements."

Honesty and Accountability -- "Accepting responsibility for self.  Acknowledging past use of violence. Admitting being wrong. Communicating openly and truthfully."

  Perhaps we can put things such as those mentioned directly below to an end in our lives.  And then we can move forward in a much better way as we learn how to employ the following ideas in our relationships.  Below are some Definitions related to the Personal Change Plan...  It would be really good to try and learn what all these words mean -- and how they could relate to -- and even improve -- a good Personal Change Plan? 

Commitment – “A promise to do or give something. : a promise to be loyal to someone or something. : the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something.”

Eliminate (Like to eliminate abusive behavior) – To do away with. To end something.

Abusive behavior – Characterized by wrong or improper use or action; (for example: corrupt <abusive financial practices>; using harsh insulting language <an angry and abusive husband>; or physically injurious).

Physical intimidation -- Encroachment into your physical space (usually defined as approximately three feet away from you) in a manner that is threatening, even without contact.  This could also include Purposeful acts designed to make your physical environment uncomfortable.

Verbal Intimidation -- This can include: shouting, especially from a near distance; use of cursing or other abusive language; use of demeaning language.  This form of intimidation may also include repeated telling of insulting or demeaning jokes, references to your person, or physical gestures designed to insult or demean you as a person.

Physical violence – Physical actions that are designed to harm another person, an animal or an object.

Coercion – “The intimidation of a victim to compel the individual to do some act against his or her will by the use of psychological pressure, physical force, or threats. The crime of intentionally and unlawfully restraining another's freedom by threatening to commit a crime, accusing the victim of a crime, disclosing any secret that would seriously impair the victim's reputation in the community, or by performing or refusing to perform an official action lawfully requested by the victim, or by causing an official to do so.”  See also: Harassment, Intimidation and Bullying.  Blackmail is a word that is often used to describe Coercion.

Emotional abuse – “Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.  It is mostly used by insecure people who feel the need to undermine people's feelings to the point where it is absolutely unbearable and action must be taken.  Emotional abuse is not a joke. People say it’s not abuse because there's not physical harm being done, but that is not true at all. In case you might of not known before, words do in fact hurt, and they leave marks inside our brains as well.”  And emotional abuse often leads to physical harm.

Verbal abuse – “Verbal Abuse is use of words to attack or injure an individual, to cause one to believe an untrue statement, or to speak falsely of an individual.”  Verbal abuse also is sometimes an indicator of physical abuse that is about to come.

Economic abuse --  “Economic abuse is a form of abuse when one intimate partner has control over the other partner's access to economic resources,[1] which diminishes the victim's capacity to support him/herself and forces him/her to depend on the perpetrator financially.”

Blaming the Victim --  "A devaluing act where the victim of a crime, an accident, or any type of abusive maltreatment is held as wholly or partially responsible for the wrongful conduct committed against them.  Victim blaming can appear in the form of negative social reactions from legal, medical, and mental health professionals, as well as from the media and immediate family members and other acquaintances.  Traditionally, this has emerged in racist and sexist forms.  The reason for victim blaming can be attributed to the misconceptions about victims, perpetrators, and the nature of violent acts."  

Psychological cruelty – The systematic destruction of a person’s self-esteem, self-image, psychological well-being, reputation, or cognitive abilities typically through the use of violence, intimidation, coercion or verbal abuse.

*** Click on this Link to Complete Your Personal Change Plan. *** 

(First Posted, 7/6/2020; Originally penned 2013.)

Sources: Some Definitions from online sources including: Merriam Webster Dictionary, the Legal Dictionary, Ladybug Books, The Urban Dictionary,  Ask.com, Wikipedia, and ASME.  Also Equality and Power and Control Wheel Definitions from Duluth, MN.

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).