Recognizing, Respecting and Setting Boundaries for Healthy Relationships

  What are Boundaries?  Who sets Boundaries?  Why do we need Boundaries?  What happens without Boundaries?  Do other people need Boundaries?  Do other people respect our Boundaries?  

Do we respect the Boundaries of others?  Do we respect our own Boundaries?  What might Boundaries have to do with a Healthy Relationship.  Or better still, What might Boundaries have to do with Domestic Violence?

  Boundaries can be defined as: “A line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.  Or a limit of a subject or sphere of activity” (Source).

 According to Wikipedia, “Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.[1] They are built out of a mix of conclusions, beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning.[2][3] This concept or life skill has been widely referenced in self-help books and used in the counseling profession since the mid-1980s.[4]

  "According to some counselors, personal boundaries help to define an individual by outlining likes and dislikes, and setting the distances one allows others to approach.[5] They include physical, mental, psychological and spiritual boundaries, involving beliefs, emotions, intuitions and self-esteem.[6] Jacques Lacan considered such boundaries to be layered in a hierarchy, reflecting "all the successive envelopes of the biological and social status of the person".[7] Personal boundaries operate in two directions, affecting both the incoming and outgoing interactions between people.[8] These are sometimes referred to as the "protection" and "containment" functions.[2]”  (Source).

  Wikipedia goes on to state that: “The personal boundaries concept is particularly pertinent in environments with controlling people or people not taking responsibility for their own life.[11]

  Co-Dependents Anonymous recommends setting limits on what members will do to and for people and on what members will allow people to do to and for them, as part of their efforts to establish autonomy from being controlled by other people's thoughts, feelings and problems.[13]

  The National Alliance on Mental Illness tells its members that establishing and maintaining values and boundaries will improve the sense of security, stability, predictability and order, in a family even when some members of the family resist.  NAMI contends that boundaries encourage a more relaxed, nonjudgmental atmosphere and that the presence of boundaries need not conflict with the need for maintaining an understanding atmosphere.[14] ”   (Source).

 

“Risks of re-establishing (Boundaries)

 (Dr. B. says, "Okay, so let's say you and this other person have been really close for 6 months now.  But then, all the sudden, this person is not returning your phone calls. Whereas you used to talk to each other at least one time per day.  How would you feel?  How would anyone feel?  (Answer:  Perhaps the other person is "re-establishing boundaries" but didn't bother to tell you about it...).  It is important to note that re-establishing boundaries can cause friction.  At the same time, some people re-establish boundaries for their own wellbeing.  And we cannot argue with that.  However, perhaps we could at least hope they would be so kind as to give a warning before hand.")

 Feelings about Boundaries re-Appearing:  Music:  McCartney, No Longer Needs You

  In Families and How to Survive Them, Robin Skynner MD explains methods for how family therapists can effectively help family members to develop clearer values and boundaries by when treating them, drawing lines, and treating different generations in different compartments[15] – something especially pertinent in families where unhealthy enmeshment overrides normal personal values.[16] However, the establishment of personal values and boundaries in such instances may produce a negative fall-out,[16] if the pathological state of enmeshment had been a central attraction or element of the relationship.[17] This is especially true if the establishment of healthy boundaries results in unilateral limit setting which did not occur previously. It is important to distinguish between unilateral limits and collaborative solutions in these settings.[2] ”   (Source). 

Dr. B. says, "In other words, if we wish to change our boundaries, it is quite possibly more productive and even more kind and considerate in many cases, if we do this in collaboration with the other person." 

Clarity around Boundaries:

  Clarity around Boundaries is important.  Sometimes we break boundaries on purpose.  Other times, we just notice that they are there -- just in time before we break them -- whether we were told so or not.  

  Boundaries are not always about excluding people...   They often keep people together.  Such as the Boundaries in a Prison.  

  Boundaries help us know where we can go and where we must not go.  But, each person has her or his own boundaries also.  

  Sometimes, one needs to set boundaries around what is going on between themselves and their partner.  Other times, everything is A-okay... without setting boundaries.

Respecting Boundaries:  

  Boundaries are really important.  However, Boundaries can be meaningless if we do not respect the Boundaries of others; and if we do not also expect other adults to respect our Boundaries.

“Respect is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. ... Respect means that you recognize that your partner is a whole person, and not just a way to get something that you want. It means that you know your partner has different experiences and opinions from you, and that's ok.  When we respect Boundaries: 

• 1.       We Demonstrate trust.

• 2.       We are mindful of how we communicate.

• 3.       We are reliable and accountable.

• 4.       We Encourage time apart.

• 5.       We Appreciate our differences.

• 6.       We Get to know ourselves and the other.

“Showing respect may sound complicated, but it’s really not.

It all comes down to listening to your partner, and being kind to them. If your partner wants to know where you are all the time, frequently accuses you of lying or cheating, puts you down, calls you names, or is in any way physically aggressive, you may be in an abusive relationship. Abusive relationships are based on power and control, rather than respect.” (Source).

  So, we really need to be respectful of our partners.  And a big part of that is Respecting her or his Boundaries.  It starts with Learning about your own Boundaries.  Then learning about your partner's Boundaries...  Learning how to Listen and and learning how to Care - and learning how to be Respectful -- no matter what's going.  And if there is a big difference, then it can be about learning how to negotiate and learning how to compromise.

 -- Remember: The faster and better one Respects a Partner's Boundaries -- almost no matter what they are -- the better the likelihood that one will be happier in the Relationship as it progresses.

What Types of Boundaries are there:

  Legal Boundaries -- The Bill of Rights and Constitution in the U.S.A. defined our Legal Boundaries as Americans.  Our Laws and Codes.

  Boundaries in Sports -- Out of Bounds or In Bounds.

  Moral Boundaries -- Our Moral Boundaries are summarized by Rules of Various Institutions and/or Dogma, such as the Honor Code at a University, as well as lists such as the 10 Commandments.

  Instrumental Boundaries – A Code of Conduct at Work.  Or the U.S. Marines who state: "Our Core Values are Honor, Courage and Commitment, and if you are to become one of us, they will be the values you live by and fight with as well."  Many believe that without these Core Values, the Marine Corps would not be as powerful as they are.

  Communal Boundaries – The "12 Steps" and the "12 Traditions" of AA, NA, CoDa, OA, ACOA or other 12-Step based Groups.  Land Covenants are examples of Communal Boundaries -- such as what color to paint your fences.

  National Boundaries – Obvious….  The Borders between different countries.

  Personal Boundaries– We are free to set these ourselves.  (Includes: Boundaries for Bio Family vs. Legal Family; Immediate Family vs. Extended Family; Biological Kin vs. Psychological Kin; Family vs. Friends; Boundaries for Friends vs. Acquaintances; Boundaries for Friends vs. Co-Workers; Boundaries for Known persons, versus Strangers.)  

Cultural Boundaries -- often based on Cultural Traditions.  In-Culture vs. Out-Culture.

Racial Boundaries -- Some have been unjust at times such as Apartheid and Segregation.  Whereas, others have been inclusive Racial Boundaries, meaning if you are one of us, then  you can come in.  Some Racial Boundaries are Formalized and some are not.  

Boundaries around Communications -- How to communicate and whether to communicate are common places for boundaries... for example, on an Emergency Dispatch Radio -- certain codes are used to indicate certain things.  Truckers and CB.  Ham Radio Operators have their own Codes.  Also, the Military uses different codes for different commands -- different expectations and styles and codes of conduct for communication transmission.  For example, during WWII, the German Central Command broadcasted the word "Dusseldorf" in order to tell their Commanders in the field that it was time to Invade Russia.

Boundaries around Reactions to things when Angry or Insecure -- we are not supposed to show too much emotion in many cases.  In other cases you can be yourself.  And still in some cases, if you do not cry, people will look at you weird.  Also, Big boys don't cry.

Boundaries around the acceptable extent of BOTH Good and Bad extremes.  It's one thing to be Bad, but don't be too bad.  Or like, "I may be a fool, but I ain't stupid.... I realize I'm younger than you, but I wasn't born yesterday."  Or the differences between a peaceful protest and a riot.

Coming from differences in Philosophy -- Different philosophies have different ideas about Boundaries -- Structuralism is largely about how something looks or how it is shaped; whereas Functionalism is largely about how well something Functions.  These takes on philosophy can effect a lot of things between people and between groups.  There is such a thing as Philosophical Differences.  

Boundaries about How to deal with Conflict (Inclusive Humanism (do we view it as us Humans all together and humans with differences together -- kind of like the way that Dr. King did); versus Forceful Invasion (us against them)) or exclusion or segregation based on beliefs of differences within a Win or Lose Paradigm.

Boundaries about how to Celebrate -- Some folks don't drink, but they do smoke weed.  Whereas some folks, don't ever use any mind-altering substances.  Finally, the daily drinker probably does not view drinking as a form of celebration any more due to his or her dependence on Alcohol.  More so he or she might now view drinking as a way to keep from shaking and a way to feel better.  Whereas for others, drinking is a party.

Boundaries around sex.  Some folks go one way; others go both ways.  

Boundaries around the house/home.  Who cleans up, who is allowed to make decisions about what color to paint the dining room?  What time is each person's bedtime?  Who decides?  What about the temperature preferences?  And who's paying the rent anyway?

Boundaries around work.  These days, work is supposed to be safe.  It was not always that way.  Boundaries around whether to clock in on a clock, or to keep your own time... or even just accept a salary.  And there's contract work with a piece of paper setting the boundaries.

Boundaries around predicting the future.  Is it possible?  What about magic?  What about telepathy.  Some people still view Edgar Cayce's work on Extrasensory Perception (ESP), Telepathy, Mind-Reading as the "occult"; other's view it as good science.  Still others view it as the work of the Devil.  

Boundaries around what is love.  What does Love mean to you?  What does it mean to your partner?  Sometimes, one might think they are showing Love to a partner, who perceives it as something other than Love.  And then there's Tough Love and Unconditional Love.

Boundaries around roles.  What is a Husband's role; versus a Wife's role.  Do both Husband and Wife have the same privileges -- the same boundaries -- or the same amount of power?    

Boundaries about each person trusting the other person to set their own boundaries.  Do both parties agree to this?  Who sets your Boundaries for you?

Boundaries around being more involved in the Community; versus being less involved in the Community.

Boundaries around whether or not we are in a committed relationship.  Are we?  A lot of times, people make the wrong assumptions about this.  Further, some couples eventually find that each person has a different idea of what is "being in a committed relationship".  For example, some people believe that once a committed relationship starts, the other person should not have friends outside of the relationship -- much less friends who are of the opposite sex -- or even friends that used to be lovers....  What do you think?  People tend to have boundaries around this stuff.

What about Boundaries for Ex's -- some Ex's wanna be friends.  Other's don't.  

Boundaries around sticking to our agreements -- What is it if one person feels one way about an agreement that was made; where as another person feels different about it.

“Complicating factors

  Mental illness: People with certain mental conditions are predisposed to controlling behavior including those with obsessive compulsive disorder, paranoid personality disorder,[18] borderline personality disorder,[19] and narcissistic personality disorder,[20] attention deficit disorder,[21] and the manic state of bipolar disorder[21] (Source).

Dr. B. says, "This description (above) does not always apply to everyone with such Disorders."

  Borderline personality disorder (BPD): There is a tendency for loved ones of people with BPD to slip into caretaker roles, giving priority and focus to problems in the life of the person with BPD rather than to issues in their own lives. Too often in these relationships, the codependent will gain a sense of worth by being "the sane one" or "the responsible one".[22] 

  Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD): For those involved with a person with NPD, values and boundaries are often challenged as narcissists have a poor sense of self and often do not recognize that others are fully separate and not extensions of themselves. Those who meet their needs and those who provide gratification may be treated as if they are part of the narcissist and expected to live up to their expectations.[24]”  (Source).

 “Codependency: 

  Codependency often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[25]

  While a healthy relationship depends on the emotional space provided by personal boundaries,[26] codependent personalities have difficulties in setting such limits, so that defining and protecting boundaries efficiently may be for them a vital part of regaining mental health.[16]

Dr. B says, "A person with Codependency might need to let go in order to feel okay -- in order regain their own Mental Health ... yet... such persons might also have a very difficult time letting go."  

  In a codependent relationship, the codependent's sense of purpose is based on making extreme sacrifices to satisfy their partner's needs. Codependent relationships signify a degree of unhealthy clinginess, where one person doesn't have self-sufficiency or autonomy. One or both parties depend on the other for fulfilment.[27] There is usually an unconscious reason for continuing to put another person's life first, often for the mistaken notion that self-worth comes from other people. ”   (Source).

“Dysfunctional family:  

  Demanding parent: In the dysfunctional family the child learns to become attuned to the parent's needs and feelings instead of the other way around.[28]

  Demanding child: Parenting is a role that requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice and giving a child's needs a high priority. A parent can, nevertheless, be codependent towards a child if the caretaking or parental sacrifice reaches unhealthy or destructive levels.[29]”   (Source)."

 

“Communal influences: Freud described the loss of conscious boundaries that may occur when an individual is in a unified, fast-moving crowd.[30]

  (Dr. B. says:  In other words, some people lose track of who they are individually and/or their own sense of Boundries, when they are focusing intensely on being in a Group.  It might be possible that this is one reason that some people are willing to undergo hazing rituals -- even dangerous ones.)

  Almost a century later, Steven Pinker took up the theme of the loss of personal boundaries in a communal experience, noting that such occurrences could be triggered by intense shared ordeals like hunger, fear or pain, and that such methods were traditionally used to create liminal conditions in initiation rites.[31] Jung had described this as the absorption of identity into the collective unconscious.[32]

  Rave culture has also been said to involve a dissolution of personal boundaries, and a merger into a binding sense of communality.[33]”  (Source).

“Unequal power relations: Also unequal relations of political and social power influence the possibilities for marking cultural boundaries and more generally the quality of life of individuals.[34] Unequal power in personal relationships, including abusive relationships, can make it difficult for individuals to mark boundaries”   (Source).

“Anger: Anger is a normal emotion that involves a strong uncomfortable and emotional response to a perceived provocation. Often, it indicates when one's personal boundaries are violated. Anger may be utilized effectively by setting boundaries or escaping from dangerous situations.[35]” (Source).

 

Discussion Questions:

What does it mean when someone loves you?  Is your meaning the same as your partner's?  Do they have to be?

Boundaries around caring.. who's caring for whom?  Who is to take care of whom?  Who is most dependent on the other?  Who is most dependent on her or his own self?

What are some boundaries you feel you could have (or should have) set before in the relationship where you got your DV charge?

List some Boundaries that you would like to have now in a Relationship?

Am I worthy enough to set my own boundaries when I feel a need or a desire to do so?

Am I wise enough to know which boundaries to set?

Am I skilled enough to know how to appropriately set the boundaries that I need or want?

Am I strong enough to live with the boundaries that I have set?

Am I flexible enough to change boundaries when it is appropriate?

How do we react when someone else sets Boundaries that impact us?  

Am I a good enough of a Communicator to be able to Negotiate and Compromise with the other person, and to set boundaries Collaboratively when it's appropriate?

*** Please Remember.... Boundaries in Relationships are a Mutual kind of thing.  And while one might not agree with, or like a Boundary that their Partner has set; One should probably try one's best to accept that Boundary until further notice.... regardless of what that Boundary is.  

*** Please Click HERE to Complete Your Healthy Boundaries Worksheet ***

Music:  McCartney, For No One

       Probably better just to feel your way through Heartbreaking Boundaries, than to risk a DV Charge by going Redneck Crazy...

Sources: 

• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_boundaries
• https://www.teenhealthcare.org/blog/6-ways-to-show-respect-in-your-relationship/#:~:text=Respect%20is%20the%20cornerstone%20of%20any%20healthy%20relationship.&text=Respect%20means%20that%20you%20recognize,from%20you%2C%20and%20that's%20ok

 (c. 2021, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

It Really is all About Power and Control, Right? What would you do if...?

Think about it: What would you do if???  How might you feel if....???  What would you need ... ???  What you gonna do when... ???  What would you think if... ???

 -- What would you do if you came home and your partner was not there when they said they would be there -- and they did not show up for about an hour or so -- with no explanation?  No apology?  What would you think?

-- What would you say if your partner became angry over something they thought you said or did and they then proceeded to call you every name in the book?  What would you think?  What would you say?

  Maybe there is not always an easy answer to every situation...  

-- What would you feel if your partner told you that they were thinking about giving up on the relationship with you because they were not feeling like you loved them enough or in the right way(s)?  What would you think?  What would you say?  What would you do?

-- What would you want if your partner refused to carry their fair share of the load around the house or in the workplace or with the kids -- or worse still; what would you feel if you partner was constantly bitter toward you in front of the kids -- calling you names -- putting you down -- although you work 3 jobs to help keep them all sheltered, fed and clothed?  What would you feel?

-- Just exactly HOW LONG could you put up with this without wanting to kill somebody?  (Trigger warning -- Don't go killing anybody.)

   (Try talking to them???  Perhaps suggest Therapy??? (in a really nice gentle Therapy...).

• What are some ways I could successfully navigate a situation like this without using Power and Control?  Like Without even a hint of Power and Control?

• If you response here is "I don't know....."  Then you're on the right track.

• Question -- Where is the POTENTIAL for Power and Control here???  Haw can I successfully navigate this situation without using (or excusing) Power and Control?

-- What would you need if your partner told a really big lie and the proof was sitting right there in front of you.  And when you confronted them about it; they said it was "none of your damn business!"???

• If you response here is "I don't know....."  Then you're on the right track.

• Question -- Where is the POTENTIAL for Power and Control here???  Haw can I successfully navigate this situation without using (or excusing) Power and Control?

 

  Chances are, Domestic Violence has been occurring in various places around the Planet for millennia.  Let that sink in...

  Consequently, there are numerous ideas about how DV starts, what DV is about, why it happens, how it builds up, and what it leads to.  However, no single set of ideas related to the various properties of DV has more credibility among DV Offender Treatment Providers and DV Victim Advocates than the concepts contained in the Power and Control Wheels (as developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, Minnesota, some decades ago.)

Click here for Videos about the Power and Control Wheels and how it all works together.

  One might explain the Power and Control Dynamic in the following way:  In many cases, the primary component is one choosing in a split second or over time to try and use power to try and gain control over something or someone in the relationship; or it is one choosing in a split second or over time to try and use control to try and gain power over something or someone in the relationship.
  These wheels provide a very brief, and easy-to-comprehend set of behaviors that tend to lead to, constitute, or end in Domestic Violence.  Please see these wheels below:
The Power and Control Wheel provides substance for a proscriptive backbone for interventions for Domestic Violence Prevention.

Click here to view a modified Power and Control Wheel.

The Equality Wheel provides substance for a prescriptive pathway toward Domestic Violence Prevention.

Click here to view the Equality Wheel.

The Duluth Model Explained

For Men who are Abuse, Listen to this

Please Tell Us About Your Experience Studying of The Power & Control Wheel and The Equality Wheel.

Please Click Here to Complete your 

"It Is All About Power and Control, Right?" Worksheet!

(Originally Posted 4/20/2021)

Good Ideas about Prevention of Domestic Violence BEFORE it Starts

 What are some ways to Prevent Domestic Violence?  Think about it...

1. Taking Time-Outs.
2. Stop-Breathe and Focus.
3. Going into a Quiet Room (and Coloring or doing something else that nurtures your inner child)
4. Go on a walk.
5. Exercise.
6. Doing something you love, like Riding your horse, Cleaning up, or Spending time with someone you love.
7. Taking a relaxing bath or shower or both.
8. Pulling up our Domestic Violence Prevention Toolkit.
9. DBT Skills.
10. Watch out for Red Flags.  And be ready to walk away if necessary.
11. Write in your journal.
12. Make sure you take time for yourself every day -- like self-care.
13. Do something that makes you feel less stressed.
14. Take time to try and understand what your partner is thinking and feeling.
15. Mitigate your reactions to their emotions.
16. Think before you speak and Think even more before you act.
17. Consider the possible long-term effects of your thoughts, your words, your actions and your reactions.
18. Take Accountability of your words and actions and Apologize when appropriate.
19. Practice your Listening Skills.
20. Learn how to be VERY Patient.
21. Say something nice and mean it.
22. Do some Breathing Exercises.
23. Stay calm.
24. Show your Love.  Show you Care.
25. Practice Empathy.
26. Always find a way to Love yourself -- and Forgive yourself too.
27. Take time to enjoy and celebrate your relationship.
28. Protect your relationship from outside stressors or haters (without being controlling).
29. Only try to control things that you can control.
30. Accept the things that you cannot control.
31. Practice Healthy Communication Skills.
32. Try to Walk a Mile in your Partner's Shoes.
33. Consider Couple's Counseling.....  Consider Individual Counseling.
34. Develop activities that you and your partner Enjoy doing Together.
35. Make something Nice for your partner.
36. Do something that your partner usually does.
37. Be sure that you and your partner divide up the chores fairly.
38. Thank your Partner for something.
39. Know when your partner needs help and know how to fix it.
40. Stay Committed.
41. Do a favor for your Partner without them asking and without expecting anything in return.
42. Count your Blessings.  Find things to be Grateful for.
43. Share something special with your partner.
44. Get beyond the little things between you and your partner.
45. Give your partner a Compliment.
46. Thank your partner for being them.  
47. Remember why you fell in love with your Partner.
48. Be Flexible.
49. Accommodate your Partner's Schedule when you can.
50. Always show Respect for your Partner.
51. Respect your partner's boundaries.  And Respect their decisions.

Things to Learn About and/or Learn To Do that will Prevent Problems in Relationships:

1. Learn how to Listen and Negotiate Patiently.

2. Learn how to Apologize with Humility.

3. Learn how to be Accountable.

4. Learn how to Back Off when you should.

4. Learn how to Give Compliments instead of Criticism.

6. Learn how to Take a Break.

7. Learn how to Talk in a Nice Respectful Way.

8. Learn how to Argue Respectfully.

9. Learn how to Share and to Give without Expecting Anything in Return.

10. Learn how to be unconditionally Loyal.

11. Learn your Partner's Cues.

12. Learn how to Let the Little Things Go.

13. Learn what Love is and how to Love and Give Respect Unconditionally.

14. Learn what a Healthy Relationship looks like.

15. Learn how to keep a Commitment.

16. Learn when you (or your partner) need(s) a break.

17. Learn how to Control your Temper.

18. Learn when and how to Gracefully Let an Argument Go.

19. Learn how to Put Yourself in Your Partner's Shoes.

20. Learn how to do at least One Kind Thing per day.

21. Learn how to show your love without having to speak it.

22. Learn how to show your Gratitude, Affection, and Caring without having to say it.

23. Learn how to Come home Happy from Work.

24. Learn how to Leave your Outside Stressors Outside of the Home.

25. Learn how to Take Good Care of Each Other -- In Sickness and In Health.

Getting Ready for a NEW YEAR: Planning for A Year without Domestic Violence and A Year with Healthier Relationships

How do we do it?  How do we plan for a New Year that will be free of Domestic Violence?

  Sure, we have had some really dark times.  Yes, we did get into trouble because we made some poor choices.  And there is little doubt that many of us also feel like we got a raw deal.

  However, we still have the power to make this situation come out better for us -- in the long run.  We have at least three choices here:

1. Do Nothing.  Just sit around feeling sad;

2. Get even more angry and sad about it and everything else and then spend the next few months being resentful instead of learning how to prevent ever again getting arrested for Domestic Violence.  Not feeling like learning how to have healthier relationships; Or

3. We can look ahead.  Stop and take a good look at that rising SUN up ahead.  Notice how the dark clouds above us seem to be ending about one-third of the way toward the Horizon out there.  Ask ourselves a question: Are we going to sit here and obsess over those dark clouds?  Or are we going to take advantage of the opportunity before us?  In order to take those first steps?  Are we ready to take the actions that we need in order to be willing and able to let go of the losses as we move forward -- as we move forward toward the Sunshine and hopefully a New Year without Domestic Violence?  

  Are you READY?

  First, we have to be clear about what DV Is.  What is Domestic Violence?  Let's sample a few possibilities here.

  According to the Violence Prevention Alliance, DV can be defined as:   

"The intentional use of physical force or power, threatened or actual, against oneself, another person, or against a group or community, that either results in or has a high likelihood of resulting in injury, death, psychological harm, maldevelopment, or deprivation" (Source).

  For further clarification about this important question -- (What is DV?) -- we also searched other parts of the Web.  We found that according to the Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence: 

“When the general public thinks about domestic violence, they usually think in terms of physical assault that results in visible injuries to the victim. (However) This is only one type of abuse. There are several categories of abusive behavior, each of which has its own devastating consequences. Lethality involved with physical abuse may place the victim at higher risk, but the long term destruction of personhood that accompanies the other forms of abuse is significant and cannot be minimized.” (Source). 

  Also, on a related train of thought about Violence itself, we found that we need to keep other things in mind as well.  Such as the larger context of Violence.  For example, according to the Newfoundland Labrador the types of Violence include:  

Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Psychological, Spiritual, Cultural, Verbal, Financial, Racial and Neglect (Source).

  And to that list, Dr. B might add: digital / electronic violence (via social media), as well as social violence (destroying reputation). 

  As for the Colorado law that defines domestic violence (DV) is CRS 18-6-800.3.  It states that "“domestic violence” means an act or threatened act of violence upon a person with whom the actor is or has been involved in an intimate relationship" (Source). 

  Then this definition of DV brings out more questions about our topic, such as: What is Intimacy?  What constitutes an intimate relationship?  Does it have to be sexual, in order to be intimate?  Or, can it be emotional only and still be intimate?  Some scholars might feel that one can be emotionally intimate with another person, without having sex.  Furthermore other people might define intimacy differently than that.

 This brings us back to the questions of:

1. How do we define Violence here?  Remember -- in relation to Domestic Violence -- Violence does not have to actually cause physical harm.  It does not have to be directly against another person -- It can be against yourself.  And the harm that it causes, does not have to happen right away.  And further,

2. Does Domestic Violence have to only happen between people who have had sex?  Or is Domestic Violence also possible between people who are emotionally close -- but have not had sex -- and may never have sex?

  Historically, in the Domestic Violence Treatment Community, the Duluth Model a.k.a. the Duluth Power and Control Wheel has been a very popular model for generally pinpointing the types of DV.  Basically, this model lists various behaviors that could be considered Violence; particularly in the context of an intimate relationship.

According to the Duluth Model website, The Power and Control Wheel was created In 1984, when the “staff at the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP) began developing curricula for groups of men who batter and victims of domestic violence.  The tactics chosen for the wheel were those that were most universally experienced by battered women”. 

“Whereas, The Equality Wheel was developed not to describe equality per se, but to describe the changes needed for men who batter to move from being abusive to (having a) non-violent partnership.  For example, the “emotional abuse” segment on the Power and Control Wheel is contrasted with the “respect” segment on the Equality Wheel.  So the wheels can be used together as a way to identify and explore abuse, then encourage non-violent change” (Source).

   It is safe to say that Many DV Offender Treatment Providers have been following this model for a very long time.  Yes.  And it's also important to note that this model has been adapted into many many different forms; such as a Wheel form this model that was adapted for Female Abusers.  

  According to the Power and Control Wheel, DV includes the following types of Violence:

• Physical and Sexual Violence (outer ring)
• Using Intimidation
• Using Emotional Abuse
• Using Isolation (Jealousy)
• Minimizing, Denying and Blaming
• Using Children (as a weapon against the other partner or Ex)
• Using Male Privilege (or Female Privilege)
• Using Economic Abuse
• Using Coercion and Threats

  And the Object for each of us is to get from there -- The Power and Control Wheel -- stuck in those DV-Type Behaviors; to the Equality Wheel, and the opposite types of behaviors; which reflect Equality, and include the list below. Think of this part as how to plan for a Year with Healthier Relationships.  Theoretically, rather than including the above Power and Control-type behaviors; Healthy relationships should include the following:

• Non-Violence
• Using Non-Threatening Behavior
• Using Respect
• Using Trust and Support
• Using Honesty and Accountability
• Using Responsible Parenting
• Using Shared Responsibility
• Using Economic Partnership
• Using Negotiation and Fairness

  This process can be Quite involved.  And it is important to remember that such changes can take longer than one might think.  This is a gradual process for most people.  Further, it is so, because we have to change the ways that we perceive things, the ways that we react, the ways that we feel about things, the ways that we think about things, and the ways that we behave.  This is why we have DV Offender Treatment.

Planning for a Domestic Violence-Free Year as well as Planning for Learning how to have Healthier Relationships: 

  So how do we go about the task of planning for a Domestic Violence-Free Year?  The First Step could be in getting our mind ready.  Hence, we might need to back-track a little bit.  

Think about the following questions:

• Name 3 things you lost as a result of this offense?
• Who else was impacted by this offense?
• What are some things they lost because of this offense?
• List 3 reasons to never again commit DV, or get charged with a DV Offense?
• List 3 reasons or benefits of having potentially healthy relationship?

  In moving forward from here, we also need to consider these questions:

• Identify our strengths that can help us move forward.  What are our strengths that could help us have healthier relationships?
• Identify our Risk Factors.  Ask yourself, What are my Risk Factors?  Risk Factors are those things that could get in the way of having a healthy relationship?  (One can find a list of Potential Risk Factors at this link; or at this link).
• What are some ways that we can Neutralize, Eliminate, Avoid, or Suspend our Risk Factors' ability to impact us or influence us to commit DV?

  Then after that, we need to make a plan.  Consider the following Questions:

• What are 2 Problems or Challenges that get in the way (or could get in the way) of our ability to be in Relationships or to LOVE without DV?
•   Problem 1 is: 
•   Problem 2 is: 

• For Each Problem or Challenge, we need to have its Goal:
•    What would be our Goal regarding Problem 1: 
•    What would be our Goal regarding Problem 2: 

•  Each needs a plan:
•     What would be our plan for solving Problem 1 – What steps would we need to take:
•     What would be our plan for solving Problem 2 – What steps would we need to take:

    Now, all we need to do is put this plan into practice, and move forward from there.  And we can start thinking about How Could We Learn How To Have Healthier Relationships?

*** CLICK HERE to complete your 

Planning for a Year Without Violence Worksheet.***

(Originally posted 12/28/2020)

Sources:

  https://www.who.int/violenceprevention/approach/definition/en/

  https://www.acesdv.org/domestic-violence-graphics/types-of-abuse/

https://www.shouselaw.com/co/defense/laws/domestic-violence/#:~:text=CRS%2018%2D6%2D800.3%20is,defines%20domestic%20violence%20(DV).&text=CRS%2018%2D6%2D800.3%20states,involved%20in%20an%20intimate%20relationship.

  https://www.gov.nl.ca/vpi/files/nine_types_of_violence.pdf

  https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/faqs-about-the-wheels/#:~:text=Why%20was%20the%20Power%20and,and%20victims%20of%20domestic%20violence.&text=The%20tactics%20chosen%20for%20the,universally%20experienced%20by%20battered%20women