It Really is all About Power and Control, Right? What would you do if...?

Think about it: What would you do if???  How might you feel if....???  What would you need ... ???  What you gonna do when... ???  What would you think if... ???

 -- What would you do if you came home and your partner was not there when they said they would be there -- and they did not show up for about an hour or so -- with no explanation?  No apology?  What would you think?

-- What would you say if your partner became angry over something they thought you said or did and they then proceeded to call you every name in the book?  What would you think?  What would you say?

  Maybe there is not always an easy answer to every situation...  

-- What would you feel if your partner told you that they were thinking about giving up on the relationship with you because they were not feeling like you loved them enough or in the right way(s)?  What would you think?  What would you say?  What would you do?

-- What would you want if your partner refused to carry their fair share of the load around the house or in the workplace or with the kids -- or worse still; what would you feel if you partner was constantly bitter toward you in front of the kids -- calling you names -- putting you down -- although you work 3 jobs to help keep them all sheltered, fed and clothed?  What would you feel?

-- Just exactly HOW LONG could you put up with this without wanting to kill somebody?  (Trigger warning -- Don't go killing anybody.)

   (Try talking to them???  Perhaps suggest Therapy??? (in a really nice gentle Therapy...).

• What are some ways I could successfully navigate a situation like this without using Power and Control?  Like Without even a hint of Power and Control?

• If you response here is "I don't know....."  Then you're on the right track.

• Question -- Where is the POTENTIAL for Power and Control here???  Have can I successfully navigate this situation without using (or excusing) Power and Control?

-- What would you need if your partner told a really big lie and the proof was sitting right there in front of you.  And when you confronted them about it; they said it was "none of your damn business!"???

• If you response here is "I don't know....."  Then you're on the right track.

• Question -- Where is the POTENTIAL for Power and Control here???  Have can I successfully navigate this situation without using (or excusing) Power and Control?

 

  Chances are, Domestic Violence has been occurring in various places around the Planet for millennia.  Let that sink in...

  Consequently, there are numerous ideas about how DV starts, what DV is about, why it happens, how it builds up, and what it leads to.  However, no single set of ideas related to the various properties of DV has more credibility among DV Offender Treatment Providers and DV Victim Advocates than the concepts contained in the Power and Control Wheels (as developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, Minnesota, some decades ago.)

Click here for Videos about the Power and Control Wheels and how it all works together.

  One might explain the Power and Control Dynamic in the following way:  In many cases, the primary component is one choosing in a split second or over time to try and use power to try and gain control over something or someone in the relationship; or it is one choosing in a split second or over time to try and use control to try and gain power over something or someone in the relationship.
  These wheels provide a very brief, and easy-to-comprehend set of behaviors that tend to lead to, constitute, or end in Domestic Violence.  Please see these wheels below:
The Power and Control Wheel provides substance for a proscriptive backbone for interventions for Domestic Violence Prevention.

Click here to view a modified Power and Control Wheel.

The Equality Wheel provides substance for a prescriptive pathway toward Domestic Violence Prevention.

Click here to view the Equality Wheel.

The Duluth Model Explained

Please Tell Us About Your Experience Studying of The Power & Control Wheel and The Equality Wheel.

Please Click Here to Complete your 

"It Is All About Power and Control, Right?" Worksheet!

(Originally Posted 4/20/2021)

Getting Your Personal Change Plan Done -- AGAIN!!!

  Sometimes people might get tired of hearing that they need to put together another Personal Change Plan.  Question: Would I rather have changes that just happen to me -- and even effect me in a bad way?  Or would I rather make the plan myself and hopefully do better in the long run?  The bottom line is that Personal Change is an ongoing thing and one can make a new Personal Change Plan Monthly, Weekly, or even Daily if they really want to.

  From one planning period to another; hopefully things are changing for the better.  It is hoped that anyone who is reading this for the second or third time is doing better now than they were doing when they did their previous plan.

  It might be good somewhere along the lines to think of making a new plan -- The first question being: What progress have I made since the last time I was in the position of making a new plan?

What's all this about the Commitment to Positive Personal Change?   

  Frankly, if one has not yet come to a point where she or he can see a need for some Personal Changes; then one ought to try and think about it some more.  How did I get into this mess?  What is one thing about me, or something that I thought, or something that I did that helped contribute to this tragic series of events?  The fact is that I was there.  Regardless of innocence or guilt, I was there.  Regardless of my intent or my actual thoughts and behaviors that day, I was arrested, charged, prosecuted and here I am.

  What reasonable person would not want to see some sort of a positive change at this point?  So come on!  What are some things that I could change that would help make sure that I never again end up in such a situation?

  

Keep that in mind as we move forward; One foot after another.

 

  The Domestic Violence Offender Management Board of Colorado says that The Personal Change Plan is a written plan for preventing abusive behaviors and also for developing healthy thoughts and behaviors. It further says that everyone here "shall design and implement this plan during treatment and utilize it after discharge."                                     

  The Personal Change Plan primarily encourages a person to really think about the following among other things:

 

    --> Identifying his or her triggers. 

    --> Identifying his or her cycles of abusive thoughts.

    --> Identifying his or her abusive words.

    --> Identifying his or her abusive behaviors.

    --> Coming up with thoughts, words and behaviors that can help him or her turn otherwise 

          potentially abusive situations into situations that are no longer abusive.

    --> Creating a plan for preventing or interrupting the triggers and cycles. 

This is My Promise; My Commitment to Personal Change: 

  “I hereby commit to eliminate abusive behavior; which includes the use of physical intimidation or violence, coercion, emotional, verbal or economic abuse, or psychological cruelty toward my spouse, partner and/or children.  If I do behave abusively in the future, I consider it my responsibility to report or discuss these behaviors honestly with my friends, relatives, probation officer or other interested party who will hold me accountable.”

Then we are asked to think about and list the following: 

• The ways I am going to prevent abusive behavior of any kind are by?  How might I do this???

• The ways I am going to change my thinking so my thoughts and behaviors will be healthy is by?  How might I make this happen???

• If I realize I am in danger of becoming abusive I will do the following?  What are some resources that I have that might help me prevent such a situation?

Some questions to ask yourself as you do this include:

• Am I ready to make some changes?

• Think about It at this point, what kinds of changes have I already made since the DV Offense?

• If I have already made some changes in my life that impact how I hold my Relationships; Are the changes I made working for me?  Or do I need to tweak them around a bit?

• Do you need to make more changes?

 A Good Starter List of Possible Personal Changes to Plan for that Could Help One Prevent DV Is Below:

  Think about it NOW -- Given what I have already learned and I've already changed:   What kinds of changes do I need to make now in order to avoid DV in the future?    For Example, are there more things that I should do; or have I already done everything that I should -- or that I can at this point?
  For example here are some ideas that might inspire some more good changes for me to make.

• Learn how to take Time Outs when I need them.

• Learn how to use Stop, Breathe and Focus when needed.

• Respect yourself and others always.

• Plan Ahead in order to prevent problems -- This includes communication.

• Don't spy on your partner.  Learn how to Trust my partner.

• Avoid Competing with my partner.  Create Win-Win situations.

• Don't be afraid to question myself and my motives some.

• Always be willing to take my time.

• Be Sober.

• Watch out for Red Flags?

• If something in my relationship is Wonderful -- then It might be good to Tell my Partner About It.

• Always remember to give myself positive affirmations.

• Be aware of, and be mindful of my Cognitive Distortions.

• Apply what I know about Relationships in order to have healthy relationships

• Listen to, and pay close attention to my Partner. (Put down the phone, Turn off the TV etc..) when it's time to communicate about important things.

• Learn How to Argue Respectfully -- To avoid fights -- Always be Respectful.

• Learn to always disagree in a Respectful manner.  Create Win-Win solutions.

• Find things about the Relationship that make me feel Happy, Safe and Grateful.

• Am I willing to do things differently this time?

• If you feel a need for Treatment or could benefit from Treatment, then go get it.

• Be Careful.  Be Courteous.  Be Patient.  Be Kind.  Be Humble.  Play nice.

• I should try to be aware of my Triggers.  Try to avoid or prevent situations that tend to trigger me.  Keep my eye on the Ball.

• Learn how to Negotiate and Compromise and to Navigate with Patience.

• Get in the habit of Road-mapping potentially difficult situations.

• Use Fairness in Decision-Making (means everyone agrees or it is not yet fair).

• Be careful never to Fight and never to be Disrespectful.

• Act with Prevention in Mind.  Prevent problems.  Get ahead of the Curve.

• Learn how to appreciate the differences between me and my partner.  

• Try to learn new things from your partner on a regular basis. 

• Never be afraid to look at my partner honestly in terms of what they are contributing to the Relationship.  (But the secret is -- try not to compare what I contribute to what they contribute).

• Learn some good rules for Argument: One thing at a time.  Listen.  Be Flexible.  The objective is to solve the problem; not to win.

• Don't ever try to make my Partner feel Ashamed.

• Stop Keeping Score of things that I do Good for my Partner.

• Stop Keeping Score of things that my Partner did Badly.

• Never be afraid to look at yourself honestly in terms of what I am contributing to the Relationship.

• Always be willing to Re-Think conclusions that do not yield win-win results.

• Wake up every morning and try to think of some things that I feel grateful for.

• Believe in my Self -- Increase my Self-Esteem.  Do things that make me feel good.

• Strive to have lots of FUN with my partner.

• Look for Positive Solutions -- even in Negative Situations

• Always find different ways to tell your partner that I love her or him when I feel that way.

• Remember to try and be Patient with my Partner.

• Don't ever Humiliate my Partner. 

• Trying to find Win-Win Solutions. 

• Never be Afraid to Make Positive Changes (Sometimes the Devil you know is safer than the Devil you don't know.  But all the time, the Devil you know is the Devil.)

• Learn how to give without expecting anything in return.

• Always be Patient with myself.  No one is Perfect.

• Never threaten my Partner in any way.  Don't threaten or scare anyone.

• Always help my Partner feel safe.

• Don't ever call my Partner a Name other than a nice Name.

• Takes some time to jot down all the great things about my partner.

• Make a list of fun and healthy things that I could do to become a better partner.

• And there are many many more ideas on how to have a Healthy Relationship......

MORE IDEAS for A GOOD Personal Change Plan:

  Consider and learn how to develop some of the following Patterns of Thinking, Behaviors and Traits:

Social Support -- "Social support is the perception and actuality that one is cared for, has assistance available from other people, and that one is part of a supportive social network. These supportive resources can be emotional (e.g., nurturance), tangible (e.g., financial assistance), informational (e.g., advice), or companionship (e.g., sense of belonging)and intangible (e.g. personal advice).”  It is frequently a great idea to seek support from trusted friends, family and professionals.

Accountability – “The state of being accountable, liable, or answerable.” Or “"A personal choice to rise above one's circumstances and demonstrate the ownership necessary for achieving desired results—to See It, Own It, Solve It, and Do It." This definition includes a mindset or attitude of continually asking, "What else can I do to rise above my circumstances and achieve the results I desire?" It requires a level of ownership that includes making, keeping and answering for personal commitments.”

Prevention -- “The act or practice of stopping something bad from happening : the act of preventing something.”

Trust and Support -- "Supporting her/his goals in life. Respecting her/his right to her/his own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions." 

Respect -- "Listening to her/him non-judgmentally.  Being emotionally affirming and understanding.  Valuing her/his opinions.  This term essentially means valuing each others point of view. It means being open to being wrong; It means accepting people as they are;  It means not dumping on someone because you're having a bad day;  It means being polite and kind always, because being kind to people is not negotiable;  It means not dissing people because they're different to you; and It means not gossiping about people or spreading lies."

Negotiation and Fairness -- "Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict.  Accepting changes.  Being willing to compromise."  This often requires a bit of patience.

Responsible Parenting -- "Sharing parental responsibilities.  Being a positive, nonviolent role model for the children."

Non-Threatening Behavior -- "Talking and acting so that she or he feels safe and comfortable expressing her/his-self and doing things."

Shared Responsibility -- "Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work.  Making family decisions together."

Economic Partnership -- "Making money decisions together.  Making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements."

Honesty and Accountability -- "Accepting responsibility for self.  Acknowledging past use of violence. Admitting being wrong. Communicating openly and truthfully."

  Perhaps we can put things such as those mentioned directly below to an end in our lives.  And then we can move forward in a much better way as we learn how to employ the following ideas in our relationships.  Below are some Definitions related to the Personal Change Plan...  It would be really good to try and learn what all these words mean -- and how they could relate to -- and even improve -- a good Personal Change Plan? 

Commitment – “A promise to do or give something. : a promise to be loyal to someone or something. : the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something.”

Eliminate (Like to eliminate abusive behavior) – To do away with. To end something.

Abusive behavior – Characterized by wrong or improper use or action; (for example: corrupt <abusive financial practices>; using harsh insulting language <an angry and abusive husband>; or physically injurious).

Physical intimidation -- Encroachment into your physical space (usually defined as approximately three feet away from you) in a manner that is threatening, even without contact.  This could also include Purposeful acts designed to make your physical environment uncomfortable.

Verbal Intimidation -- This can include: shouting, especially from a near distance; use of cursing or other abusive language; use of demeaning language.  This form of intimidation may also include repeated telling of insulting or demeaning jokes, references to your person, or physical gestures designed to insult or demean you as a person.

Physical violence – Physical actions that are designed to harm another person, an animal or an object.

Coercion – “The intimidation of a victim to compel the individual to do some act against his or her will by the use of psychological pressure, physical force, or threats. The crime of intentionally and unlawfully restraining another's freedom by threatening to commit a crime, accusing the victim of a crime, disclosing any secret that would seriously impair the victim's reputation in the community, or by performing or refusing to perform an official action lawfully requested by the victim, or by causing an official to do so.”  See also: Harassment, Intimidation and Bullying.  Blackmail is a word that is often used to describe Coercion.

Emotional abuse – “Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.  It is mostly used by insecure people who feel the need to undermine people's feelings to the point where it is absolutely unbearable and action must be taken.  Emotional abuse is not a joke. People say it’s not abuse because there's not physical harm being done, but that is not true at all. In case you might of not known before, words do in fact hurt, and they leave marks inside our brains as well.”  And emotional abuse often leads to physical harm.

Verbal abuse – “Verbal Abuse is use of words to attack or injure an individual, to cause one to believe an untrue statement, or to speak falsely of an individual.”  Verbal abuse also is sometimes an indicator of physical abuse that is about to come.

Economic abuse --  “Economic abuse is a form of abuse when one intimate partner has control over the other partner's access to economic resources,[1] which diminishes the victim's capacity to support him/herself and forces him/her to depend on the perpetrator financially.”

Blaming the Victim --  "A devaluing act where the victim of a crime, an accident, or any type of abusive maltreatment is held as wholly or partially responsible for the wrongful conduct committed against them.  Victim blaming can appear in the form of negative social reactions from legal, medical, and mental health professionals, as well as from the media and immediate family members and other acquaintances.  Traditionally, this has emerged in racist and sexist forms.  The reason for victim blaming can be attributed to the misconceptions about victims, perpetrators, and the nature of violent acts."  

Psychological cruelty – The systematic destruction of a person’s self-esteem, self-image, psychological well-being, reputation, or cognitive abilities typically through the use of violence, intimidation, coercion or verbal abuse.

*** Click on this Link to Complete Your Personal Change Plan. *** 

(First Posted, 7/6/2020; Originally penned 2013.)

Sources: Some Definitions from online sources including: Merriam Webster Dictionary, the Legal Dictionary, Ladybug Books, The Urban Dictionary,  Ask.com, Wikipedia, and ASME.  Also Equality and Power and Control Wheel Definitions from Duluth, MN.

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Good Ideas about Prevention of Domestic Violence BEFORE it Starts

 What are some ways to Prevent Domestic Violence?  Think about it...

1. Taking Time-Outs.
2. Stop-Breathe and Focus.
3. Going into a Quiet Room (and Coloring or doing something else that nurtures your inner child)
4. Go on a walk.
5. Exercise.
6. Doing something you love, like Riding your horse, Cleaning up, or Spending time with someone you love.
7. Taking a relaxing bath or shower or both.
8. Pulling up our Domestic Violence Prevention Toolkit.
9. DBT Skills.
10. Watch out for Red Flags.  And be ready to walk away if necessary.
11. Write in your journal.
12. Make sure you take time for yourself every day -- like self-care.
13. Do something that makes you feel less stressed.
14. Take time to try and understand what your partner is thinking and feeling.
15. Mitigate your reactions to their emotions.
16. Think before you speak and Think even more before you act.
17. Consider the possible long-term effects of your thoughts, your words, your actions and your reactions.
18. Take Accountability of your words and actions and Apologize when appropriate.
19. Practice your Listening Skills.
20. Learn how to be VERY Patient.
21. Say something nice and mean it.
22. Do some Breathing Exercises.
23. Stay calm.
24. Show your Love.  Show you Care.
25. Practice Empathy.
26. Always find a way to Love yourself -- and Forgive yourself too.
27. Take time to enjoy and celebrate your relationship.
28. Protect your relationship from outside stressors or haters (without being controlling).
29. Only try to control things that you can control.
30. Accept the things that you cannot control.
31. Practice Healthy Communication Skills.
32. Try to Walk a Mile in your Partner's Shoes.
33. Consider Couple's Counseling.....  Consider Individual Counseling.
34. Develop activities that you and your partner Enjoy doing Together.
35. Make something Nice for your partner.
36. Do something that your partner usually does.
37. Be sure that you and your partner divide up the chores fairly.
38. Thank your Partner for something.
39. Know when your partner needs help and know how to fix it.
40. Stay Committed.
41. Do a favor for your Partner without them asking and without expecting anything in return.
42. Count your Blessings.  Find things to be Grateful for.
43. Share something special with your partner.
44. Get beyond the little things between you and your partner.
45. Give your partner a Compliment.
46. Thank your partner for being them.  
47. Remember why you fell in love with your Partner.
48. Be Flexible.
49. Accommodate your Partner's Schedule when you can.
50. Always show Respect for your Partner.
51. Respect your partner's boundaries.  And Respect their decisions.

Things to Learn About and/or Learn To Do that will Prevent Problems in Relationships:

1. Learn how to Listen and Negotiate Patiently.

2. Learn how to Apologize with Humility.

3. Learn how to be Accountable.

4. Learn how to Back Off when you should.

4. Learn how to Give Compliments instead of Criticism.

6. Learn how to Take a Break.

7. Learn how to Talk in a Nice Respectful Way.

8. Learn how to Argue Respectfully.

9. Learn how to Share and to Give without Expecting Anything in Return.

10. Learn how to be unconditionally Loyal.

11. Learn your Partner's Cues.

12. Learn how to Let the Little Things Go.

13. Learn what Love is and how to Love and Give Respect Unconditionally.

14. Learn what a Healthy Relationship looks like.

15. Learn how to keep a Commitment.

16. Learn when you (or your partner) need(s) a break.

17. Learn how to Control your Temper.

18. Learn when and how to Gracefully Let an Argument Go.

19. Learn how to Put Yourself in Your Partner's Shoes.

20. Learn how to do at least One Kind Thing per day.

21. Learn how to show your love without having to speak it.

22. Learn how to show your Gratitude, Affection, and Caring without having to say it.

23. Learn how to Come home Happy from Work.

24. Learn how to Leave your Outside Stressors Outside of the Home.

25. Learn how to Take Good Care of Each Other -- In Sickness and In Health.

Making Payments and Settling Balances for DV Treatment: EVERYONE Who is in DV Treatment Must Read This and Complete the Form at the Bottom

 IMPORTANT: Don't Get Discharged as Unsuccessful due to having a Past-Due Balance:

(Originally Posted 6/1/2021.)

Making Payments for DV Treatment:

  Hello there -- Please READ this entire Text or Email.  (If this TEXT is too long for your Cell Phone Text App, then TEXT me your Email Address at 719-671-7793 so I can email it to you).

Please Note: The Colorado Domestic Violence Offender Management Board's Standards and Guidelines for Domestic Violence Offenders states the following:

 

In Section 5.04, 2, B, Item 9, says: "The offender paying for his/her own evaluation and treatment is an indicator of responsibility and shall be incorporated in the treatment plan..."

  This means that if a DV Client does not have a Voucher from Probation for every session; she or he must pay Dr. Beverly for her or his own Treatment.  

  This also means that Dr. Beverly, cannot and will not successfully discharge any DV Clients who has an outstanding Balance.

  As you probably know: 

   The DV Admin Intake Fee is a one-time $25 fee, 

   The DV Post-Sentence DV Evaluation is one-time $75 fee, 

   The DV Text/Blog Fee is a one-time $25 fee, 

   The Group Sessions are $35 per Session & Individual DV Sessions are $65 each.  

   The prices have been this way since June 1st, 2021.   

  In other words: If you are attending Dr. Beverly's DV Treatment Sessions in-person or via conference call, you should expect to pay for your sessions each time you attend.  Or you may pay in advance.  

  Everyone who has any Balance in Dr. B's DV Treatment really must clear that up as soon as it is possible (No Exceptions).  Chances are that if you have not been paying every week, you have a Balance.

  (WAIT!!!  DO NOT Just CALL OR TEXT Dr. B. for your Balance or with other questions yet.  Let's see what you can figure out for yourself.  Please Follow the steps below.  You can do this...!) 

 Also, please keep this Blog Entry or Text Message.  And be sure to READ all points below before getting distracted.

  Everyone who attends DV should be paying weekly or every two weeks if possible.  Please READ everything here and then follow the link below to make payments.  On your payments, please be sure to enter your name so that you will get credit.

  In case you heard something different, during COVID-19 because of the COVID Restrictions and due to our Using Distance-Learning Tools for some Sessions, we had a serious problem of people NOT paying their fees every week.  Whereas, if you were here prior to COVID-19, you know that we typically do not even allow someone into a Treatment Session until AFTER they pay for it.  This is all explained in the Treatment Contract that was signed when you started Treatment.

  Some people have balances due.  This is because they have not been paying every week. 

  DO NOT WAIT for me to give you a Total Balance or an Invoice.  While I do balance everyone's account at the time of Discharge because we cannot discharge anyone who has a balance; I normally do not give out Balances or Invoices, as it is a waste of time.  If you have a balance, please start paying on that as soon as possible.

  The way to figure out if you have a balance is to do the following:

1. Sometimes, Probation Officers will award Vouchers to Clients.  One thing for certain is that Probation Officer are probably more likely to award Vouchers to clients who are attending every session and to clients who are making progress in Treatment.  If you are not sure whether or not you have a Voucher, contact your Probation or Diversion Officer.  The only way to figure this out is to speak with your Probation or Diversion Officer.  Also remember that when they issue Vouchers, these Vouchers must be used within a certain time-frame; otherwise they expire and are useless.  Do not ask me if you have a Voucher.  Ask your Probation Officer.  If you have a Voucher that did in-fact cover a given Session, then you won't have to pay for that session.

2. Then, if you were Evaluated your Intake Fee was $25, Your Blog Fee was $25, and your Evaluation Fee of $75.  

3. Add up your total number of sessions attended.  Multiply your total number of sessions by $35 each.  If you started after June 1st., text me at 719-671-7793 for that session fee amount.  (If you need to know how many sessions you have attended, I can usually give you a ballpark figure.  If you need this, please TEXT me for this at 719-671-7793.  Do not call unless it is a REAL Emergency or a Crisis.

4. Add your Evaluation, Intake and your Session Fees for a Subtotal.

5. Subtract each valid used Voucher that you had from your Subtotal.

6. Then Subtract any payments you made from that (After Vouchers) Subtotal.

7. This is your current Balance for DV Treatment.

8. If you have a Balance due, then you will see that total at this point after doing your math.

9. EVERY TIME that you attend a Treatment session, you should add $35 (or your appropriate session fee) to your total running balance and you should keep track of that. 

10. EVERY WEEK, (if possible) you must pay something.

11. Failure to pay something each week -- or -- failure to pay anything on your Balance after a week; can lead to Involuntary Unsuccessful Discharge from DV Treatment.  In order to avoid this, pay something every week, and keep track of your Sessions, your payments, payment dates, and payment amounts.

12. You should not have to ask about your Balance or for an Invoice until it is time to be Discharged.  And theoretically, by that time, you should NOT have a Balance because you have been paying every week.

13. Typically, all payments are made using cash if in-person, or using a Credit or Debit Card.  If you do not have one, you should be able to go to Walmart and get a prepaid care with which to do this.  If that is not possible, please mail your regular payments to me at P.O. Box 871, Walsenburg, CO 81089. Or bring them to an In-Person Treatment Session.

14. So if you have a Balance -- and you know who you are -- Please start making payments TODAY using the link below.  Do not worry about paying more that what you owe.  That hardly ever happens.  And if that happens, I will definitely settle up with you as soon I am made aware of the over-payment.

  ***PLEASE SEE THE INSTRUCTIONS BELOW ON HOW TO MAKE PAYMENTS*** 

   https://drbsdvpreventionandeducation.blogspot.com/

 (If when you hit the link (above), you do not see the Paypal / Debit / Credit Buttons in the upper - right-hand corner; then do this:

   A. Scroll to the bottom of your cell phone screen. 

   B. Tap where it says, "View Web Version". 

   C. You will see the Paypal / Debit / Credit Card Buttons in the Top-Right Corner of your screen. 

   D. Use your fingers to navigate to make your payments.  And MAKE your payment.)

15. If you have any questions about this, please TEXT me at 719-671-7793. (Do not call unless it is a REAL Emergency or a Crisis.)

16. Finally, if you have a Balance-related, Voucher-related, Payment-related or Fee-related question that really must be answered by Dr. B; please DO NOT ask Dr. B about this during Group.  This is a private matter and Group Time is precious.  Instead, send a Text to Dr. B at 719-671-7793.

17. From here on our, I will assume that you understand that if you have a Balance for Dr. B's DV Treatment and if you are not paying something on this Balance every week or at least every other week; you may be Discharged from DV Treatment as Unsuccessful.

18.  If you have a serious Income issue and you wish to be considered for a reduction in your fees, please send Dr. B a TEXT and he will set you up with the forms that you will need to fill out and the forms you will need to provide in order to prove that you are unable to pay these fees.  Meanwhile, continue to pay what you can.

    

*** Please Click Here to Complete your 

     Making Payments & Balances Agreement. ***

Thank you.  And have a nice day.  Dr. B

(Updated, 12/8/2024, Originally published 9/13/2021) 

 

Getting Ready for a NEW YEAR: Planning for A Year without Domestic Violence and A Year with Healthier Relationships

How do we do it?  How do we plan for a New Year that will be free of Domestic Violence?

  Sure, we have had some really dark times.  Yes, we did get into trouble because we made some poor choices.  And there is little doubt that many of us also feel like we got a raw deal.

  However, we still have the power to make this situation come out better for us -- in the long run.  We have at least three choices here:

1. Do Nothing.  Just sit around feeling sad;

2. Get even more angry and sad about it and everything else and then spend the next few months being resentful instead of learning how to prevent ever again getting arrested for Domestic Violence.  Not feeling like learning how to have healthier relationships; Or

3. We can look ahead.  Stop and take a good look at that rising SUN up ahead.  Notice how the dark clouds above us seem to be ending about one-third of the way toward the Horizon out there.  Ask ourselves a question: Are we going to sit here and obsess over those dark clouds?  Or are we going to take advantage of the opportunity before us?  In order to take those first steps?  Are we ready to take the actions that we need in order to be willing and able to let go of the losses as we move forward -- as we move forward toward the Sunshine and hopefully a New Year without Domestic Violence?  

  Are you READY?

  First, we have to be clear about what DV Is.  What is Domestic Violence?  Let's sample a few possibilities here.

  According to the Violence Prevention Alliance, DV can be defined as:   

"The intentional use of physical force or power, threatened or actual, against oneself, another person, or against a group or community, that either results in or has a high likelihood of resulting in injury, death, psychological harm, maldevelopment, or deprivation" (Source).

  For further clarification about this important question -- (What is DV?) -- we also searched other parts of the Web.  We found that according to the Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence: 

“When the general public thinks about domestic violence, they usually think in terms of physical assault that results in visible injuries to the victim. (However) This is only one type of abuse. There are several categories of abusive behavior, each of which has its own devastating consequences. Lethality involved with physical abuse may place the victim at higher risk, but the long term destruction of personhood that accompanies the other forms of abuse is significant and cannot be minimized.” (Source). 

  Also, on a related train of thought about Violence itself, we found that we need to keep other things in mind as well.  Such as the larger context of Violence.  For example, according to the Newfoundland Labrador the types of Violence include:  

Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Psychological, Spiritual, Cultural, Verbal, Financial, Racial and Neglect (Source).

  And to that list, Dr. B might add: digital / electronic violence (via social media), as well as social violence (destroying reputation). 

  As for the Colorado law that defines domestic violence (DV) is CRS 18-6-800.3.  It states that "“domestic violence” means an act or threatened act of violence upon a person with whom the actor is or has been involved in an intimate relationship" (Source). 

  Then this definition of DV brings out more questions about our topic, such as: What is Intimacy?  What constitutes an intimate relationship?  Does it have to be sexual, in order to be intimate?  Or, can it be emotional only and still be intimate?  Some scholars might feel that one can be emotionally intimate with another person, without having sex.  Furthermore other people might define intimacy differently than that.

 This brings us back to the questions of:

1. How do we define Violence here?  Remember -- in relation to Domestic Violence -- Violence does not have to actually cause physical harm.  It does not have to be directly against another person -- It can be against yourself.  And the harm that it causes, does not have to happen right away.  And further,

2. Does Domestic Violence have to only happen between people who have had sex?  Or is Domestic Violence also possible between people who are emotionally close -- but have not had sex -- and may never have sex?

  Historically, in the Domestic Violence Treatment Community, the Duluth Model a.k.a. the Duluth Power and Control Wheel has been a very popular model for generally pinpointing the types of DV.  Basically, this model lists various behaviors that could be considered Violence; particularly in the context of an intimate relationship.

According to the Duluth Model website, The Power and Control Wheel was created In 1984, when the “staff at the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP) began developing curricula for groups of men who batter and victims of domestic violence.  The tactics chosen for the wheel were those that were most universally experienced by battered women”. 

“Whereas, The Equality Wheel was developed not to describe equality per se, but to describe the changes needed for men who batter to move from being abusive to (having a) non-violent partnership.  For example, the “emotional abuse” segment on the Power and Control Wheel is contrasted with the “respect” segment on the Equality Wheel.  So the wheels can be used together as a way to identify and explore abuse, then encourage non-violent change” (Source).

   It is safe to say that Many DV Offender Treatment Providers have been following this model for a very long time.  Yes.  And it's also important to note that this model has been adapted into many many different forms; such as a Wheel form this model that was adapted for Female Abusers.  

  According to the Power and Control Wheel, DV includes the following types of Violence:

• Physical and Sexual Violence (outer ring)
• Using Intimidation
• Using Emotional Abuse
• Using Isolation (Jealousy)
• Minimizing, Denying and Blaming
• Using Children (as a weapon against the other partner or Ex)
• Using Male Privilege (or Female Privilege)
• Using Economic Abuse
• Using Coercion and Threats

  And the Object for each of us is to get from there -- The Power and Control Wheel -- stuck in those DV-Type Behaviors; to the Equality Wheel, and the opposite types of behaviors; which reflect Equality, and include the list below. Think of this part as how to plan for a Year with Healthier Relationships.  Theoretically, rather than including the above Power and Control-type behaviors; Healthy relationships should include the following:

• Non-Violence
• Using Non-Threatening Behavior
• Using Respect
• Using Trust and Support
• Using Honesty and Accountability
• Using Responsible Parenting
• Using Shared Responsibility
• Using Economic Partnership
• Using Negotiation and Fairness

  This process can be Quite involved.  And it is important to remember that such changes can take longer than one might think.  This is a gradual process for most people.  Further, it is so, because we have to change the ways that we perceive things, the ways that we react, the ways that we feel about things, the ways that we think about things, and the ways that we behave.  This is why we have DV Offender Treatment.

Planning for a Domestic Violence-Free Year as well as Planning for Learning how to have Healthier Relationships: 

  So how do we go about the task of planning for a Domestic Violence-Free Year?  The First Step could be in getting our mind ready.  Hence, we might need to back-track a little bit.  

Think about the following questions:

• Name 3 things you lost as a result of this offense?
• Who else was impacted by this offense?
• What are some things they lost because of this offense?
• List 3 reasons to never again commit DV, or get charged with a DV Offense?
• List 3 reasons or benefits of having potentially healthy relationship?

  In moving forward from here, we also need to consider these questions:

• Identify our strengths that can help us move forward.  What are our strengths that could help us have healthier relationships?
• Identify our Risk Factors.  Ask yourself, What are my Risk Factors?  Risk Factors are those things that could get in the way of having a healthy relationship?  (One can find a list of Potential Risk Factors at this link; or at this link).
• What are some ways that we can Neutralize, Eliminate, Avoid, or Suspend our Risk Factors' ability to impact us or influence us to commit DV?

  Then after that, we need to make a plan.  Consider the following Questions:

• What are 2 Problems or Challenges that get in the way (or could get in the way) of our ability to be in Relationships or to LOVE without DV?
•   Problem 1 is: 
•   Problem 2 is: 

• For Each Problem or Challenge, we need to have its Goal:
•    What would be our Goal regarding Problem 1: 
•    What would be our Goal regarding Problem 2: 

•  Each needs a plan:
•     What would be our plan for solving Problem 1 – What steps would we need to take:
•     What would be our plan for solving Problem 2 – What steps would we need to take:

    Now, all we need to do is put this plan into practice, and move forward from there.  And we can start thinking about How Could We Learn How To Have Healthier Relationships?

*** CLICK HERE to complete your 

Planning for a Year Without Violence Worksheet.***

(Originally posted 12/28/2020)

Sources:

  https://www.who.int/violenceprevention/approach/definition/en/

  https://www.acesdv.org/domestic-violence-graphics/types-of-abuse/

https://www.shouselaw.com/co/defense/laws/domestic-violence/#:~:text=CRS%2018%2D6%2D800.3%20is,defines%20domestic%20violence%20(DV).&text=CRS%2018%2D6%2D800.3%20states,involved%20in%20an%20intimate%20relationship.

  https://www.gov.nl.ca/vpi/files/nine_types_of_violence.pdf

  https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/faqs-about-the-wheels/#:~:text=Why%20was%20the%20Power%20and,and%20victims%20of%20domestic%20violence.&text=The%20tactics%20chosen%20for%20the,universally%20experienced%20by%20battered%20women