A Review of Two Solid Techniques for Preventing DV: STOP, BREATHE, FOCUS, RELAX, REFLECT and CHOOSE WISELY --- AND --- TAKING TIME OUTS

  Today, we are going to talk about what are probably Two of the BEST Ways to Avoid DV-Type Feelings, Thinking or Behaviors

 First, let me ask you a few questions (Feel Free to Chime In).  What would you do if:  

>>>  What if you and your partner had a really big fight last night and she (he) told you to leave; but you didn't.  Not a word between you all night; and today, while you were on your lunch break, she (he) texted you that she (he) and your 3-year-old are moving in with his (her) mother for now, while they file for Divorce; what would you do??

>>>  Let's say: you know a person is in an abusive relationship.  Let’s say that you know it is abusive, because you have seen or heard it with your own eyes or ears.  What would you tell her (or him) to do?

>>>  If your partner was planning to start a job tomorrow at a place where lots of eligible singles hang out, what would you do?.

>>>  Let’s also say that you have noticed that someone close to you is in pain (physical and emotional) as result of this abusiveness in her (his) relationship.  What would you tell her (or him) to do?.

>>>  If your partner and you had just not been connecting lately; and they started up an argument with you about something that could spell the end of your Relationship; what would you do?

>>>  If someone who is a Victim of Abuse told you that they are going to go back to their abuser because they have no power; What would you tell her (or him) to do?.

>>>  If you got into an argument with your partner and you decided to leave so that you could just get away from the hurtful things they were saying to you; and then as you were driving down the road, they texted you saying: "And don't you ever come back here, you A__hole!!!"; what would you do?

>>>  If someone who is close to you was being abused and they told you that they were going to go ahead and go home today because she or he wanted to Stand up for herself or himself What would you tell her (or him) to do?. 

>>>  If you had been worrying for a while about how heated and even disrespectful your arguments have been getting with your partner lately; and if they started talking about something that tends to make you very angry; what would you do? 

For sure: NOW's a Great Time for either (or BOTH), a STOP, BREATHE,

 FOCUS, RELAX, REFLECT and CHOOSE WISELY ---  

 and / or --- Take A TIME OUT!!!     What-da-ya-Think???

  When I'm not sure if I need a time out; then this technique helps me clear my mind enough to where I can decide wisely whether to take a Time Out; or whether to simply do this Stop, Breathe and Focus exercise and just move forward.  
  If violence is already happening.  Or if I am really thinking about doing violence, then it is time to take a Time Out.  
  Otherwise, Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely can help me handle the situation in a constructive way.  I can do this in the same room or in a different room.
  In many cases, such a break could be a Time Out.  However, if it is not that bad; then one can do a pretty simple, easy-to-do exercise that helps them relax and adjust their thinking such that they feel a whole lot more in control of their self; while feeling a whole lot less of a need to continue to try and control their partner.

Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely:

(Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely) can be done in as little as 15 minutes.  Here is how you do it:

• Stop --  Stop Talking -- Stop Arguing -- Stop trying to Prove Something.  Stop doing what ever I am doing, get alone for a moment -- if needed.  Or just sit down if possible in the same room and  (Stop, Shut yourself up, Sit Down, and Start Breathing -- slow, deliberate deep breaths).  Either stay in that room where the argument was taking place -- and listen to the other person (only if it's safe to do that).  
• Or if needed, go into another room where you can feel peaceful.  Be by yourself for a few moments..  Listen to yourself.  It's kind of like meditating.  If you cannot leave the room where the problem is taking place, then at least sit down and shut yourself up.  Stop talking.  Stop reacting.  Focus on you.  What are you thinking?  And listen to your partner.

• Breathe --  Breathe deeply (close my eyes if I need to), get into a nice comfortable posture, feeling your body, feeling your senses, body relaxed.  All my weight on my but.  Breathe deeply – in slowly and out slowly (feel my blood cells in my lungs becoming more oxygenated, and let that flow up to my brain and it makes me think more clearly at that moment).  This can help me make better decisions..  

• Focus --   Focus on your breathing.  Focus on relaxing your body.  Focus away from what ever has been happening that has you so frustrated.  Focus on what I am facing.  The reality.  The pain.  The Anger.  The Fear.  What am I afraid of?  And what are the Possibilities (bad or good)?

• Relax --   Relax some more. Focus on breathing some more.  Relax for a few more moments…….  Take it easy….  Take some more deep breaths.  SLOWLY.  Get out of a hurry of the stress in that was in that other space.  No hurry.  Take your time.

• Reflect -- Reflect on what I would like to have happen for me right now or in the near future.  How would I like for this situation to resolve?  Continue to Relax and Breathe as you do this -------   
• And Reflect on what I would like for this moment or for my life to be remembered for as I get older.  Do I want to be remembered as someone with DV-type problems, DV convictions etc...?  Or do I want to be remembered as someone who really cared for people and cared for myself, and showed it by doing the right thing(s) such as Stop, Breathe and Focus; rather than fighting?  
• Disengage from the Craziness in that other space.... (Stop chasing the solution with that other person for right now.)

• Re-Focus --  Now, Re-Focus on what I need to do right now to feel better.  Do I need to take a Time Out?  (Remember... Sobriety is a must in these situations.).  
• Think: "What -- if anything -- has to happen right now?"  
• Does anything really need to be done right this minute?  
• Is this an emergency?  Probably not.  
• Or can it wait for just a little while, or few days or weeks?  
• Keep breathing deeply, Relaxing, Focusing...  
• What can I do to turn this into a situation that works for me?  
• And how does patience help me right now?  
• Keep doing the deep breathing.  Keep doing the right thing.

• Choose Wisely --  Choose what you need to do right now (if anything).  Choose something that will BOTH prevent any more bad feelings regarding this situation right now; and/or something that will help you address the situation in a way that is non-threatening, peaceful, respectful, helpful, and a win-win solution for everyone.  
• Or be patient until you have such a solution.  
• (Then when you present a solution to the other person -- be sure to first: Listen to what your partner is saying; and also remember that as you speak about your ideas, you must be flexible).  
• And always continue with patience.

   ---------------------------------------------------

Taking Time Outs:

Taking Time Outs can be A Great Tool for Helping Keep Potential Domestic Violence Victims from Being Harmed; And an Effective Tool for Helping Keep A Potential Domestic Violence Offender from Becoming A Domestic Violence Offender.

  Did you ever wonder what is basically going to happen when a Police Person intervenes in a Domestic Violence Dispute and finds that either; a Domestic Violence crime has happened; or that a Domestic Violence crime is about to happen?  
  In such cases, perhaps a Time Out is about to happen.  Either that Police Person is going to recommend that one or both parties involved in the dispute take a Time Out.  Or that Police Person is going to require that one or the other of the parties involved has to take a time out.  
  If the Police requires a Time Out, then someone is probably going to get arrested and charged with a DV-Related Crime.
  Question: Do you need for a Police Person to come along and give you a Time Out when one is needed?  Or can you take a Time Out on your own when one is needed?

  When Should One Take A Time Out?
  If one begins to think about committing violence, is thinking thoughts or feeling feelings that could lead to violence of any kind.  Or if one has a history of losing their temper and one is about to lose their temper; it is time to take a Time Out instead.  
  One should be aware of his or her Red Flags that might indicate that one could be at risk of becoming violent. 
  When one feels Cues telling him or her that they are truly starting to feel like doing violence or feeling that one may soon be unable to control one's self, then it is definitely time to act.  It is time for a Time Out.  

  How does One Take a Time Out?  
  Ideas on How to Take a Time Out in order to Prevent DV are readily available.  For Example, Author and Family Therapist, Dr. Richie Cole (1993) suggested that things one should do include (These lists below are Paraphrased and Edited for inclusion): 

Things to do when Taking a Time Out:

• 'Say you're taking a Time-Out and/or give the Time-Out hand signal
• Immediately leave the place you're at without getting caught up in an argument or explanation.
• Try to make sure you're positioned near an exit so your partner won't be in your pathway. If you push her on the way out, you've been physically abusive and re-violated.
• Go away from the place you are and do a relaxation exercise or some physical activity that will not reinforce abusive actions in order to initially deal with your adrenaline rush.
• Make a buddy contact with a group member (or a close friend) who's working the program. (This means you should have phone numbers in a few different places and always in your wallet.)
• Call or Text your female or male partner after about 30 minutes to let them know you're taking your Time-Out and that you're not doing something destructive to yourself, to them or to the relationship. Don't get caught up in a conversation and don't talk about the matter at hand.
• Tell her or him that you’re on your Time-Out and that you'll call them in a few hours.
• Notice if you need to do another relaxation exercise or some activity to deal with your physiological state.
• Do a control log analyzing your behavior. Don't examine her or his behavior.
• Think about how you want to non-abusively deal with the situation. You may need to road-map the situation.
• Make sure you stay away for at least four (4) hours since the adrenaline pump won't fully abate for at least that amount of time.
• When the time is appropriate call your partner and see if she or he is open to having you return and to deal with the matter at hand. If they are, return and deal with them in a non-abusive, assertive and empathic manner. Only return or talk about the issue at hand if your partner wants to do so.
• If the red flags reappear take another Time-Out.'

Things to NOT do when Taking a Time Out: 

• 'Never try to give your partner a Time Out.  She or he needs to make that decision for themselves.
• Don't give any parting shots, insults, threats or poor me-type signals.  Just leave.
• Don't act abusively toward anyone.
• Try not to make this into a moral situation where you determine that she or he is wrong and you are right.  Instead, I need to figure out what I am doing wrong or what I am doing that is not working for me.
• If there is a small child around, DO NOT Bring Them into the argument.
• Don't drink alcohol or use drugs or engage in other addictive behaviors.
• Don't stay with, or see another person who could be thought of as a potential partner; or even a friend or family member who is the same sex/gender as your partner.
• Don't do any behavior that will reinforce violent actions, Such as, martial arts, boxing, batting practice, shooting weapons, etc.
• Don't return home too early.
• Don't get caught up in an argument on the phone.
• Don't interact with people who will reinforce violent and controlling thoughts, behaviors, or beliefs.
• Don't think you're above and beyond a Time-Out.
• Don't forget or fail to clearly announce your Time-Out.

Now: What do you do when?  And which should you try first?

*** PLEASE CLICK ON THIS LINK TO COMPLETE YOUR STOP BREATHE FOCUS RELAX REFLECT and CHOOSE WISELY WORKSHEET ***

*** Please Click Here to Complete the Attached Time Out Anecdote Worksheet. 

Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.

*** Also, please Click Here complete your Session Feedback Form for today's Session.

And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.        

* Please Click Here to Work on Another Treatment Plan. *

(Originally Posted, June 7, 2021)

(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic     and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

Using The Control Log Process In Order to Prevent Domestic Violence

  When we are at Risk of Domestic Violence happening, we sometimes need a tool that we can enlist to help prevent things from escalating.  And we usually need it Right Away!!!  There's no time to lose in such situations...  

  It seems perhaps that the Most Effective Emergency tools for prevention of Domestic Violence could be -- for example: 

1. Taking Time Outs; 

2. Doing a Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely Exercise;

3. Communication for Healthy Relationships -- In a Crisis, this might be mostly Sitting Down, Calmly, and Listening Respectfully until the heat is gone; 

4. Effectively using or reaching out to our Social Support Networks, our Families, Close Friends, Therapists, Probation Officers -- or even call a Support Hotline, or some other person who will listen who can help you navigate this situation; and 

5. Going through the Control Log Process?

 Why A Control Log?  Well Why Not?

  Part of the problem with Domestic Violence is that it often comes out of our attempts to control people, situations and things.  But this often brings more problems for everyone involved.  And it doesn't solve anything.  Also at some times, we don't even realize that we are doing this -- trying to control someone or something.

 One of the Best Tools for Understanding and Preventing DV can be the Control Log Process.  Basically, the Control Log Process can be used in two (or more) different ways: 

1. To document abuse that is happening to you -- For example: This is how that person was trying to control me...  or in Analyzing the other person's behaviors to get a glimpse of what is really happening at the time; and / or

2. The other way to use a Control Log is as a Process Instrument that helps us to explore and to better understand the situations that we are in; and how our apparent desire and / or our need to control things and / or the other people involved in our lives manifests and then eventually causes problems for us and for others.

  For example, many of us might find ourselves going through the following questions as we try to sort things out.  Imagine you are in the middle of a crisis and that you really feel a need to do something.  But perhaps, the smartest thing you could do right now would be to sit down alone, relax, drink a glass of water, and ponder some of the questions below:  

 --- Why is it that I feel I really need to have control right now?  Am I afraid of something? If so, what am I afraid of?  And keep in mind that Fear is often a strong motivator for violence.

 --- It's one thing if I need more self-control so that I don't hurt anyone else.  But it's another thing if I just want to control the situation or to control someone else in order to get something that I want.

 --- What am I trying to control in the first place?  In some cases, I might just be trying to control my self... or my temper... or trying to end the pain and anguish that I'm in.  This might be okay.

 --- But, what is so powerful about this situation that makes me so frustrated?  Could it be that I'm feeling either out of control my self, or that I'm bothered by my lack of ability to control other people?

 --- What is it about me that has to take control and then to feel that I have to make this change happen in THIS PARTICULAR WAY… Right Now?  

 --- How might this change bring me relief anyway?  Is this really the solution?

 --- Surely, we need to have control over ourselves, Right?  

 --- But do we really need to control other people or situations?  In the case of small children or others that would otherwise be in immediate danger, it could be different though.  

 --- Perhaps, sometimes, I should try to only control my own part of a given situation.  Because I can't expect my self to be able to control the others in this situation, can I?  And this goes double in cases where I still can't even control my self.

 --- Is it not hard enough for me to just control my self then?  Quite possibly.

 --- So then, why do I want to control other people and situations involving others?  Now that's a good question!

 --- When I am trying to control someone else do I ever ask my self the following questions: What is it that is so important that it Must happen Right Now…-- even at the risk of interfering in someone else's life???  

 --- Or Why Must I control this Right Now...?  Do I really think I can control this?  If not, then why on Earth would I put everything at risk to try and control this?

 --- Our sense of Urgency and Frustration often comes out of us wanting something to get fixed right away.. even though it’s not likely to happen that way at all.

--- So Why can’t I just take some time – and Relax and Be Patient?…  Great Idea!  Work on my patience Right Now; instead of trying  to force a change that requires someone else to make a decision.

--- Then, perhaps, I will be ready to reasonably Consider what I’m doing or what I am about to do.... right?  And then I could try again... next time with more patience, more flexibility, and more empathy for the other people involved.  And then I could finally let go of trying to control others?

  So, Why not just take a Time Out Right Now???  Otherwise, the police might make me take a Time Out?  And that wouldn't be any fun, now would it?

 --- In the first place, why do I feel like I need to take a Time Out?  (This is where I should start finding lots of good reasons for taking a Time out.... Right Now!!!)

 --- Ok... so when I was taking my Time Out for instance… What was it that I found that apparently just had to happen or not to happen that created this level of frustration in the first place?  

  And then while I was on my Time Out, I learned that there are several things I could do to take care of my self, including: Relaxation exercises; Reaching out to supportive and helpful others; Developing more awareness about what exactly is going on with me -- and of course, a great tool for this might be to complete a Control Log Process.  

What is a Control Log?

  A Control Log is largely about the simple -- albeit extremely helpful -- task of separating the things that I can change from the things that I cannot change.

  The Control Log helps us take a closer look at what is going on with us around the situation that involves other people.  And it also might possibly help us generate insights about ways to do things that could yield much more positive results.  

  Rather than doing things that might hurt other people or might get us into trouble; a Control Log Process can help us prevent trouble instead.  After all, who really needs more trouble?

  And Remember, The Control Log can help us get a grip on what's going on Right Now.  And that can also be really helpful.

  So, What does a Control Log Look Like?  Or am I too controlling, in assuming that a Control Log actually looks like anything in particular?  After all, a Control Log is mostly just a thinking exercise... that we do in our minds or on paper.  Kind of like Mindfulness, in a way...  But it's more focused directly on preventing violence.

One Version of a CONTROL LOG could Include the following Items:

  For Example: Something possibly bad is happening in my life, and my alarm bells are going off...  I might be feeling angry, defeated, hurt, insecure, jealous, I might even feel put down or belittled or even disrespected and abandoned.  Or I might just be scared.  So where does that leave me....???  Probably a pretty empty place.  

  I am finding my self at a place where the most important thing becomes me being able to control my self -- and no one else...    

  But unfortunately I have already done or said something that I will probably regret.  So what can I do now?  

>>> Questions about the following -- for me to ask my self:  

Start Right Here with Your Control Log Process:

• >>> >>> Who is actually Involved in this situation -- who are the stakeholders here?  

• >>> >>> What is the Problem as I see it - on the face of it - right now at this time?  What is it?  What's the big deal?

• >>> >>> Actions: Describe the actions that I would use to either try and control the                          situation; or to try and control or change something about my partner?

• >>> >>> Intentions: What am I intending to happen at this time?  What do I really want (or need) to happen at this time?  What am I trying to make happen?  Who am I really doing this for?

• >>> >>> Beliefs: What beliefs do I have that helped me generate my Intentions which led to my possible Actions right -- which could lead to my Regrets and / or my Rationalizations and / or my false Justifications about what is about to happen?  What am I believing -- at this time -- that I seem to be trying and use to justify my actions?  And Why am I believing that?  Could it be that I believe that I need to; and / or have a Right to control my partner or someone else?  Or do I just think I have a Right to get my way?

• >>> >>> Feelings: What feelings am I having at this time?  What am I feeling?  Am I feeling insecure?  Am I feeling frustrated, angry, empty, defeated, fed-up, or even just afraid?  So, why can't I just stop right here and go down a different path...???  I wish I could!  An Avenue that could help me to better deal with the way that I am feeling?  And also an Avenue where using substances or violence could is not the answer?  Because Note This: At times, tragically it seems Substances and Violence are used to quench our most intense feelings.

• >>> >>> Minimization, Denial and Blame:  Can I just go ahead now and admit that These are My actions???  And these are My feelings?!?!?!  (Truly other people might have been involved -- and were even there at that time.  But my actions are My actions, correct?  I made My choices and now I have to live with the consequences.  And I really can't blame the victim for my own desperation, now can I?  So In what ways am I minimizing, denying or totally underestimating the possible impact of my actions?  And why was I trying to blame my actions on someone else?  Was I trying to blame the victim because the Victim wasn't doing what I wanted her or him to do at that time?  Or was I trying to be a martyr?  Was I hoping someone might feel sorry for me?  What good would that do anyway?

• >>> >>> Effects: #1. What was / or could be the Impact of my actions on me?

• >>> >>> Effects: #2. What was / or could be the Impact of my actions on my Partner or on the Victim?

• >>> >>> Effects: #3. What was / or could be the Impact of my actions on the other people around me, such as my kids, or other innocent by-standers; or even the Police?

• >>> >>> Past Violence:  #1. What was / or could be the Impact of my past experiences with violence on me and what I did here?  How has my past influenced what is happening now?  For example, if I have some Trauma, how did that impact what I did here?

• >>> >>> Past Violence:  #2. What was / or could be the Impact of my past violent actions against my partner or my victim?  If I had hurt my partner before, what was this event like for her or him?

• >>> >>> Possible Solutions, Non-Controlling Behaviors and Preventive Strategies: What are some examples of non-Controlling Behaviors that I could have used instead of what I did this time?  How might I have solved or prevented this situation from happening in the first place?  (Hint: I could have focused on controlling Only Myself.  And then I could have Looked for possible win-win solutions [And remember, it's not a "Win" for your partner unless your partner feels like it is a win).  

• Think about it: "What was the Problem as I saw it -- on the face of it -- right at that time?"  
•   And now consider What are some examples of non-Controlling and non-Violent and non-Intrusive Behaviors that I could have used instead of what I did?

• Now, think for just a few minutes more. Consider the fact that the Control Log Process is largely just a Thought Process.  It's a way of thinking...... in advance of our behaviors.  It can be a very helpful way of thinking.  It's just a few steps in our Thought Process that can save us lots of trouble.

• So Remember, the Basic Control Log Steps include: 
1. Getting Real about what is going on and what I think I want or need to happen Right Now;
2. Consider my Actions, my Intentions, my Beliefs, and my Feelings; 
3. Ask yourself: Am I taking Accountability for my Actions here, or am I trying to minimize, deny and blame what I am doing on someone else?  And most of all, Am I really being Me here?  Am I being my genuine self?  Or am I just going through the motions again?
4. What are the Effects and Impacts (or possible Effects and Impacts) of my prospective Actions on myself and on others -- especially the ones that I say that I love?;
5. How does my Past Violence play a role here; 
6. And Finally, How could I possibly do this differently that would include Non-Violence, Prevention and Solutions instead of what happened before?

• Now: How might it have helped this situation if I had completed a Control Log Process -- or at least went through these Control Log steps (above) in my head before taking any further action?  I might have averted the crisis all together.  

• And remember: It's important to know that Nobody's perfect.  But having a plan and some skills such as the Control Log Process can really make a heck of a difference in a difficult situation.  The ultimate goal of a Control Log is to help me realize that if I am doing pretty good i might even be perhaps lucky enough to be able to control myself;  I might be able to realize and accept that I really have no reason to try and control anyone else...

*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete your CONTROL LOG Worksheet! ***

Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.

*** Also, please Click Here complete your Session Feedback Form for today's Session.

And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.       

 

* Please Click Here to Work on Another Treatment Plan. *

 You may Click HERE for a Refresher on Taking Time Outs.

*** Please Click Here to Complete the 

Attached Time Out Anecdote Worksheet. 

and

Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Sources: 

• Richie Cole, Ph.D., LMFT, of Radical Counseling & Consultation  (Possibly formerly of the Domestic Abuse Center).
• Rules for Taking Time Outs According to Dr. Daniel Sonkin.
• Info about Control Logs may be found in "Education Groups For Men Who Batter, The Duluth Model"; Pence & Paymar, 1993, Springer Publishing Company, Inc.
• Control Log: http://nomsintranet.org.uk/roh/official-documents/Domestic%20Abuse%20Workbook%20final.pdf
• Morran, D. and Wilson, M. (1997). Men who are Violent to Women; A Groupwork Practice Manual. Russell House, Dorset.
• Road-Mapping Situations.
• For Info Regarding Parental Alienation, Click Here.

(Originally Posted April 5, 2021)

(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic     and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

Types of Domestic Violence / Family Violence / Inter-Personal Violence / Intimate Partner Violence

The DVOMB Core Competencies state:

J. Ability to define types of DV

  1. Defines: coercion, controlling behavior, psychological emotional, sexual, physical, animal abuse, property,

financial, isolation... all types of DV.

  2. Identifies specific types of DV engaged in

  3. Demonstrate understanding of DV by giving examples

  4. Defines continuum of behavior from healthy to abusive

What is Domestic Violence?  

  I cannot tell you how many people get charged with Domestic Violence, yet when I interview them, they claim they could never have committed Domestic Violence.  Yet, they proceed to tell me a story that includes the current legal definition of DV.  It seems this could be as good a time as any to talk about what DV is, right?  
  

According to the Colorado Bar Association: The Current Definition of Domestic violence includes the idea that it is a pattern of (feeling, thinking) and behavior in which one person attempts to control another (person) through threats or actual use of physical, verbal, or psychological violence or sexual assault on their current or past intimate partner. (Source FVPF2) 

According to the Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence, regarding the Types of Domestic Violence:  “When the general public thinks about domestic violence, they usually think in terms of physical assault that results in visible injuries to the victim. This is only one type of abuse. There are several categories of abusive behavior, each of which has its own devastating consequences. Lethality involved with physical abuse may place the victim at higher risk, but the long term destruction of personhood that accompanies the other forms of abuse is significant and cannot be minimized.  Please explore the following sections to learn more about how to identify domestic violence.”

A list of Types of Abuse could include but should not be limited to:

• Coercion
• Controlling Behavior
• Physical Abuse
• Sexual Abuse
• Emotional Abuse & Intimidation
• Isolation
• Verbal Abuse: Coercion, Threats, & Blame
• Using Male Privilege
• Animal Abuse
• Property Abuse
• Economic Abuse
• Digital Abuse
• Stalking  (Source).

Check out this Video/Audio about Power and Control and Domestic Violence.

According to the Colorado D.V.O.M.B. Standards:

  All DV Offenders need to have the ability to define types of domestic violence.  We also need to be able to:

1. Define coercion, controlling behavior and all types of domestic violence (psychological, emotional, sexual, physical, animal abuse, property, financial, isolation, (digital, and Social)).
2. To Identify in detail the specific types of domestic violence that we engaged in, and the destructive impact of that behavior on our partner and our children (or anyone else involved) (Pence & Paymar, 1993; SAFE JeffCo., 2002).
3. To Demonstrate cognitive understanding of the types of domestic violence as evidenced by giving examples and accurately label situations (SAFE JeffCo, 2002)."
4. To Define a continuum of Relationship-Related Feelings, Thinking and Behavior from healthy to abusive.

Where do my Thoughts and Behaviors fall on 

   a Continuum of Relationship-Related Feelings? 

          Healthy                                                     Abusive

Thinking & Behavior                    Thinking & Behavior

             ^^^ ---------------------------------------------------^^^

    

Breaking it Down Just a Little Bit More:

Domestic Violence: This term is also defined in Section 18-6-800.3(1), C.R.S. and is expanded to include the following definitions for the purpose of the approved provider's use in treatment:

1. Physical violence: aggressive behavior including but not limited to hitting, pushing or grabbing, choking, scratching, pinching, restraining, slapping, pulling, hitting with weapons or objects, shooting, stabbing, damaging property or pets, or threatening to do so.
2. Sexual violence: forcing someone to perform any sexual act without consent.
3. Psychological violence: intense and repetitive degradation, creating isolation, and controlling the actions or behaviors of another person through intimidation (such as stalking or harassing) or manipulation to the detriment of the individual.
4. Economic Deprivation/Financial Abuse: use of financial means to control the actions or behaviors of another person. This may also include such acts as withholding funds, taking economic resources from our intimate partner, and using funds to manipulate or control our intimate partner.

But it really goes much Deeper, correct???

Question: What did I think I was doing when I did my DV Offense?  

Did I think I was committing DV?

Did I Really Make A Choice to Commit DV?; Or Did I Make A Choice to Do Something Aggressive and/or Threatening in order to Try and Get My Way?:

  Violent and abusive behavior is typically viewed as the abuser’s choice: Typically, just before we commit domestic violence, we do make a (sometimes hasty) decision about what we want, and how to get it.  And we do this even when we are intoxicated.  We just might not remember it.

  Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is technically not considered to be due to our loss of control over our behavior.  Abusive behavior and violence is frequently viewed as a deliberate choice made by a person (or an abuser) in order to take control of the situation and/or the relationship.  And at the very least; for persons who are intoxicated when it happened, DV is a result of the poor choice to become intoxicated.

The Fact is that Most Domestic Violence is about Power and Control, Right:

  DV is frequently about using Power to gain Control over a situation or a person; Or it is about using Control to gain some sense of Power over a Person or a Situation.  

  According to the Power and Control Wheels from which much of the current thinking about DV has come: DV Can Include any or all of the following behaviors:

• Intimidation 
• Emotional Abuse 
• Minimizing, Denying and Blaming:
• Using Children: 
• Economic / Financial Abuse:
• Using Male Privilege -- And possibly Female Privilege in some cases: 
• Coercion and Threats:
• Physical Abuse:
• Sexual Abuse:
• Psychological Abuse:
• Parental Alienation
• Animal abuse:
• Property Abuse:
• Jealousy (Using Isolation):
• Social Abuse / Reputation Abuse:
• Digital Abuse / Online stalking or trolling or Harassment on FB or elsewhere:
• Manipulation:
• Trying to gain Respect through Fear.

Watch or Listen to this Video about the Power and Control Wheel.

Question: What might make a certain behavior into DV?

Some Specifics About Different Types of DV from the Victim's Point of View.

 

 Think about it: What does DV  Look Like from the Point of View of the Victim(s)?

Emotional abuse: It’s often a bigger problem than we think.

  When people think of domestic abuse, we often picture battered women who has been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve physical violence.  Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused.  Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked — even by the person being abused.

Understanding emotional abuse:  The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at  our feelings of self-worth and independence.  If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

  Emotional abuse can include: verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse.   Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

  We may naturally think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send us to the hospital and leave us with scars.  But many survivors say that the scars of emotional abuse are also very real, and they run deep too. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse — sometimes even more so.

Also Some Abuse is About the Money:  Economic or financial abuse:  A subtle form of emotional abuse.  Remember, an abuser’s goal is often to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so.  Economic or financial abuse can include:

 Rigidly controlling your finances.

 Withholding money or credit cards.

 Making you account for every penny you spend.

 Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

 Restricting you to an allowance.

 Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

 Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly).

 Stealing from you or taking your money.

 Watch or Listen to This Video about Domestic Violence

 Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power.  Some of these tactics are very effective and leave lasting damages and scars in their wake:

1.  Dominance –  Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. Sometimes, they will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may even treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
2.  Humiliation –  An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave.  Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
3.  Isolation –  In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world.  He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school.  You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
4.  Threats –  Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, or to harm or kill your children, or other family members, or even pets.  He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, threaten to file false charges against you, or to report you to child services.
5.  Intimidation –  Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
6.  Denial and blame –  Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

On the other Hand, there are times when a Woman can be Abusive as well.  What about a case where a Woman is the Abuser?

  From "10 Signs of an Abusive Wife and How to Deal with It" By Sylvia Smith, Expert Blogger Verified Marriage & Family Therapist Approved By Angela Welch, LMFT (7 May, 2021).

  According to this author, some of Women's types of abuse can include:

Controlling behavior

Verbal abuse

Violence

Extreme jealousy

Unreasonable reactions

Isolation

Instills fear

Blames everyone else

Gaslighting

Inability to handle criticism

(Source).

Discussion Question: What Tactics Have I Used to Take Control?  Did it work?:

*** Please CLICK HERE, to Complete your Types of DV Worksheet. ***

  +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

NOW: Complete Your Session Feedback Forms Here

          -- Always look for the American Flag!

Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.
      Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan -- especially if you have not completed on in the past 10 weeks.        

* Please Click Here to Work on Another Treatment Plan. *

(c. 2020-2024, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

(Originally Posted, 8/28/2020)

Sources: https://www.cobar.org/index.cfm/ID/21062

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#emotional

(For info on DV in LBGTQ Relationships: http://www.humanservices.alberta.ca/documents/NCN1375-abuse-in-same-sex-LGBTQ-relationships-booklets.pdf)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).