How Do I Talk About my Domestic Violence Offense? What if they just won't (or can't) let it go?

   Item G-1-C of The Colorado Domestic Violence Offender Management Board's (DVOMB) Core Competencies for Treatment of Domestic Violence Offenders requires us to learn how to NOT be Defensive when the victim or our children or even another person reminds us of the things we have done -- including the DV Offense.

  This Core Competency reads: "The offender accepts that their partner or former partner and their children may continue to challenge them regarding past or current behaviors."  

  "Should they behave abusively in the future, they consider it their responsibility to report those behaviors honestly to their friends and relatives, to their probation officer, and to others who will hold them accountable".  

  How do people normally tend to react when someone brings up something that could be painful, embarrassing, or even scary?  Could be difficult, right?

  Some may want to keep that ugly thing -- that we call our DV Offense -- in the past.  Whereas others might be okay with discussing it right here and right now.  

  And many would probably just rather keep moving forward into the future -- and totally forget about the past while they put it all behind them.  

Why Bring It Up In The First Place?

  Why would someone want to talk about this?  Why do you think someone -- say a Victim -- might want to talk about what happened back then -- right NOW?  

  Some Reasons Someone Might Want To Talk About It Could Be:

• Perhaps they never again want this awful thing to happen to them.  So they just need some reassurance from us that we are accountable and that any future possible tragedies can and will be prevented;
• Or maybe they need to know that we are committed to making sure it never happens again;
• It might it be that they sincerely don't really understand what really happened that day?
• Maybe, they really don't understand why it happened?  And they want to know.
• Could it be that They are still angry at us about what happened -- and they just want to exorcise their demons?
• Maybe they just need to clarify the past in order to move forward into the brighter future?
• Or it could be that they still feel they need an apology from us for what we did and for the impact on them of what happened?
• They are trying to hurt us -- or get us back by making us talk about it?
• It could be that they just want us to leave, and they know that we don't want to talk about it, so they won't let us forget it as long as we are there?
• They might have been triggered about a past trauma that was brought up by this offense and they are bringing it up to us now?
• Or they were deeply traumatized by what happened with us?
• Maybe this event was shocking and scary to them and they just want to know why it had to be that way?
• They are worried about what the future might hold if it happens again?
• Or it could be that they want reparations?
• Might be that they have some doubts and they just want us to re-assure them?

  What Might Stand In The Way Of Us Being Able To Face Such A Question and Respond To It In a Constructive Way?

  What are some reasons why we might hesitate when it comes to responding to these types of questions?

• Maybe we are just tired of hearing about it?
• Might we be afraid that if we talk about, it could make it happen again?
• Could it be that when they express their doubts, it makes us feel insecure too?
• Or could it possibly be that we are afraid that our own Anger is going to explode if we think about it too much?
• Might it be that we just feel too bad about what happened to be able to discuss it in a reasonable manner?
• Perhaps we just feel totally incapable of making this situation right; hence, we want to avoid thinking or talking about it?
• Maybe it even be that we are still in such denial that we have no clue as to what we did and who got hurt and how?
• Or Might we think that if it's painful and it's in the past; why should we talk about it now?
• Could it be that whenever they bring it up, I get a weird feeling inside -- like a panic attack or even rage?  And I am afraid that I just can't handle it the right way?
• Maybe we feel like when they bring this up; they are just trying to start another fight?
• Might it be that we prefer to live in the Present and keep the Past far behind us?
• Or we might feel like "It's just not worth it.  Thinking and talking about something that only brings more negative feelings"?
• Might we even feel re-traumatized whenever someone brings it up in the first place?

  So there are lots of good reasons to be able to talk about the Offense.  And some people have certain reasons why they do not want to talk about it.  But there is a reason why a Victim might really want and NEED to talk about the Offense -- and given that they are the Victim; they kinda have a Right to talk about, correct.  They also should be able to ask questions about what happened.  And although it could be the hardest thing we ever did; we should try and be willing and able to give them answers in a respectful way.  

Hence Our Mission as DV Offenders:

  All the Core Competency asks is that we accept that our Partner or Victim might bring this up from time to time.  And furthermore, in Treatment our primary Goals include: 

• Accountability, (Like I need to own what I did and the pain it caused to others.
• Empathy for the Victim(s), (Like I need to develop an understanding of what it must have been like for the Victim -- I need to have empathy), and 
• I need to Master some skills for Prevention of DV in the future -- among other things  (Like Now a-days, I need to be much more prepared to be able to prevent DV).

But then there is our own EGO to consider.  (Our EGO is what holds our Mind Together and keeps us from Crumbling or becoming Defensive when we are faced with something very challenging or even embarrassing).  And talking about our DV Offense could be both challenging and embarrassing. 

Question:  How could we handle this type of situation in a way that does these three things:

1. Provides a way that shows empathy and possibly even sympathy for the impact of what we did to the Victim; 

2. And in a way that doesn't make us hurt worse...  (We don't want to let it make us too mad.).

3. But we are also required to DO NO HARM... Hence we really need to learn ways of never letting this happen again in our lives. 

This can be a tricky set of tasks... 

  The Human EGO can be a funny thing.  It has all kinds of reflexes that it does in order to protect us from decompensation (a fancy word for "going crazy".) 

  But still -- WEEEEEE just want to MOVE ON!!!

  So, take a minute and entertain the following analogy:  

Look at it this way; If my 17 year-old daughter's boyfriend hit her in the face and caused her pain and serious fear; wouldn't I want them to either:

1. Break up forever; or

2. If they were going to stay together: we would want that they would both be able to totally reconcile this event -- including all due accountability, apologies, penance if needed, and even treatment if it could help?  

I mean, if they were going to stay together -- My daughter and this man who hurt her -- wouldn't I need to see accountability, and BOTH empathy and sympathy on his part in order for me to feel anywhere near okay about them staying together?

 > > > SO the point is that Perhaps talking about the Offense can help us get 

that Big PURPLE ELEPHANT out of our Living Room. < < <

Question:  

  If you were going to speak with the Victim about your DV Offense, what would you say?

  If you were going to speak with a New Person You Were Dating about your DV Offense, what would you say?

*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete Your Talking About My DV Worksheet ***

PLEASE BE SURE TO DO a New or UPDATED Treatment Plan Every 2-to-3 Months.

This is a requirement.  Please Click here to work on a Treatment Plan.

Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.
      Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

NOTES: 

And now for yet another Analogy -- just to drive the point home:

Then Finally -- There is Always Hope for Truth and Reconciliation:  

  Check out this example:  

 “Apartheid (South African English: /əˈpɑːrteɪd/; Afrikaans: [aˈpartɦɛit], separateness; lit. "aparthood") was a system of institutionalised racial segregation that existed in South Africa and South West Africa (now Namibia) from 1948 until the early 1990s” (Source).

  The Apartheid era in South African history refers to the time that the National Party led the country's white minority government, from 1948 to 1994.  "Max Coleman's authoritative book analyzes all deaths due to political violence from 1948 to 1994 in South Africa and Namibia.  According to the HRC statistics, 21,000 people died in political violence in South Africa during Apartheid - of whom 14,000 people died during the six-year transition process from 1990 to 1994."

  It is important to know that South Africa has been a very violent place for many years.  Members of the Black African Native population had been politically, economically and violently dominated for this period and many had been unjustly killed.  People were killed in South Africa for things that Americans take for granted.  In the U.S.A., you can speak your mind about the Politics and no one can legally touch you for it.  Whereas in South Africa at this time, many of the Black Population were imprisoned or killed for doing just that.  They were killed or imprisoned simply for wanting their freedom.

  Mandela had been a Political Prisoner: "He was arrested and imprisoned in 1962, and subsequently sentenced to life imprisonment for conspiring to overthrow the state following the Rivonia Trial.  Mandela served 27 years in prison, split between Robben Island, Pollsmoor Prison and Victor Verster Prison" (Source). 

“In April 1994, South Africans of all races voted in the country’s first democratic elections, choosing Mandela as their first black president. The inhumane apartheid regime seemed to be miraculously ending peacefully, though much work remained to improve the lives of all South Africans.” (Source). 

  Following Mandela's Election, there was much work to be done.  "Archbishop Desmond Tutu was the chairman of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC). The TRC was created by Nelson Mandela’s Government of National Unity in 1995 to help South Africans come to terms with their extremely troubled past. It was established to investigate the violations that took place between 1960 and 1994, to provide support and reparation to victims and their families, and to compile a full and objective record of the effects of apartheid on South African society" (Source).

  In order to try and heal the Country from 50 years of Apartheid -- which was like Jim Crowe or Racism on Steroids, the New Government, headed by Nelson Mandela decided to try and handle the differences between the oppressors and the oppressed using what was called The Truth and Reconciliation Commissions. 

  The Truth and Reconciliation Commissions were set up in South Africa following the end of Apartheid (1995).  

  "The mandate of the commission was to bear witness to, record, and in some cases grant amnesty to the perpetrators of crimes relating to human rights violations, as well as offering reparation and rehabilitation to the victims." (Source).

  In short the idea here was to find a peaceful, non-violent solution that was as healthy as possible for everyone involved... both Victims and Perpetrators.

Now: 

  If they could do it in South Africa -- an entire Country; then perhaps two people who are in a Couple -- and have had DV between them -- can also do it.  

  That is if they truly want to and choose to do so in a constructive manner.

  But, just as with Truth and Reconciliation Commissions; Whoever did whatever they did to hurt or kill people -- if they wanted Forgiveness from the Families of their Victims; or a Pardon or Amnesty from the Commission -- they were required to publicly come out and be truthful about what they had done; also to show remorse; and ask for forgiveness.

  Hence, how is it really that difficult to truly own my DV Offense?  Just to own what I did?  And to own whatever someone else did in reaction to what I did; or had to do in order to deal with the impact of what I did?

  There are numerous other questions that could also be related to this:

  What are some likely reactions when someone reminds us of our DV Offense(s)?

  How should I handle it when they remind me of what I did that got me that offense?

  How should I handle my DV Offense when it comes to discussing it in NEW Relationships?

  How do I feel about my DV Offense -- myself?

  How do I feel when someone brings it up?

  How do I feel when my (Ex-) Partner wants to talk about what happened?

  How do I feel when my son or daughter (or other close family member) wants to talk about what happened?

  Who's fault was it?

  Who's responsibility is it now to be sure that it does not happen again?

  What might be some good ways for me to make sure that it won't happen again?

  What would be the best way to talk about my DV Offense if I wanted to demonstrate that I have truly moved beyond it?

*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete Your Talking About My DV Worksheet ***

and

Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

PLEASE BE SURE TO DO YOUR A New or UPDATED Treatment Plan Every 2-to-3 Months.

This is a requirement.  Please Click here to work on a Treatment Plan.

Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.
      Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

Mental Illness: Personality Disorders, Other Psychiatric Disorders, Substance Abuse Issues and Domestic Violence

   Some couples who find themselves in the middle of DV-related messes find that they both contributed to the situation.  Other couples fall into the depths of DV-Hell because one partner has a much larger DV-related Challenge than does the other; while this other is simply the Victim.  

  Some Couples -- whether they stay together or separated are able to expediently get their acts together; figure out what the problems are/were that put them at risk of another DV Offense; Take Steps to solve the problem; and then one or both of them move along their merry ways and never cross DV's doorstep again.

  Either way, some couples also find that one or both partners have psychiatric, psychosocial, psychopathic, sociopathic or other related problems that make it very difficult for either one or both of the partners to move on in a healthy way. 

 At the same time, it is important to note that the primary cause of Domestic Violence Behavior is the choice that one (or both) persons made just before it happened. 

Psychiatric Disorders and DV

   First and foremost, we each should try to accept that all humans have challenges, and many of us are working on our issues; while others are not.  That being said, it is probably a fact that virtually all human beings have parts of psychological disorders (however small or large) in their minds and they manifest in the presentation of their personalities; as well as in their behaviors.  Also, it is very important that people understand that the actual diagnosed disorders as briefly summarized below have many more conditions, symptoms and features than are  listed herein.  One cannot make a sound diagnosis based on the info in this article.

  This module is not intended to marginalize people with psychiatric challenges.  Because essentially, this applies to all of us in one way or another.  

  It's important to understand that the field of Psychiatric Disorders includes two basic types of disorders: Major Syndromes (like Depression or Schizophrenia) and Personality Disorders (like Narcissistic or Antisocial).  Additionally is is helpful to understand also Personality Disorders used to be called "Characterological Disorders".

   Personality Disorders have been believed by many who work in the field of Domestic Violence Prevention to be contributors to -- or Risk Factors for Domestic Violence.  These can include: Antisocial, Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorders, and others (Source 1).

Keep in mind: Regardless of a Personality Disorder; if a person commits DV against another person, they will probably be held accountable by the Courts and by the Community regardless as if the Disorder does not matter.

  It is also very important to understand that just because someone seems to have some sort of personality flavor or flaw as a characteristic in their thinking and behavior; it does not mean that they would qualify for an official diagnosis of that Personality Disorder or other Psychiatric Disorders.  

"What are Personality Disorders?  Personality is the way of thinking, feeling and behaving that makes a person different from other people. An individual’s personality is influenced by experiences, environment (surroundings, life situations) and inherited characteristics. A person’s personality typically stays the same over time. A personality disorder is a way of thinking, feeling and behaving that deviates from the expectations of the culture, causes distress or problems functioning, and lasts over time.1

There are 10 specific types of personality disorders. Personality disorders are long-term patterns of behavior and inner experiences that differs significantly from what is expected. The pattern of experience and behavior begins by late adolescence or early adulthood and causes distress or problems in functioning. Without treatment, personality disorders can be long-lasting. Personality disorders affect at least two of these areas:

• Way of thinking about oneself and others
• Way of responding emotionally
• Way of relating to other people
• Way of controlling one’s behavior" (Source).

Some DV Advocates have even created a form of a Personality Disorder that they call, "Abusive (or sadistic) Personality Disorder".

"Those with sadistic personality disorder derive pleasure from the distress caused by their aggressive, demeaning, and cruel behavior toward others. They have poor ability to control their reactions and become enraged by minor disturbances, with some sadists being more severely abusive."  (Source)

Narcissistic Personality: "Narcissistic personality disorder: a pattern of need for admiration and lack of empathy for others. A person with narcissistic personality disorder may have a grandiose sense of self-importance, a sense of entitlement, take advantage of others or lack empathy."  (Source).

Borderline Personality: "Borderline personality disorder: a pattern of instability in personal relationships, intense emotions, poor self-image and impulsivity. A person with borderline personality disorder may go to great lengths to avoid being abandoned, have repeated suicide attempts, display inappropriate intense anger or have ongoing feelings of emptiness."  (Source).

Antisocial Personality: "Antisocial personality disorder: a pattern of disregarding or violating the rights of others. A person with antisocial personality disorder may not conform to social norms, may repeatedly lie or deceive others, or may act impulsively."  (Source).

  It is possible that some DV problems are NOT related to Antisocial, Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorders; but rather could be attributed to -- at least in part -- to a Dependent Personality Disorder; or a severe Anxiety Disorder or Depressive Disorder or Bipolar Disorder.  And of course, there is also data that supports the idea that Substance Use and Abuse can be a strong contributor to Domestic Violence Thinking, DV Feeling and DV Behavior.  These Disorders are commonly defined in the following ways:

Dependent Personality: "Dependent personality disorder: a pattern of needing to be taken care of and submissive and clingy behavior. People with dependent personality disorder may have difficulty making daily decisions without reassurance from others or may feel uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of fear or inability to take care of themselves."  (Source).

Anxiety Disorder: "Anxiety is a normal reaction to stress and can be beneficial in some situations. It can alert us to dangers and help us prepare and pay attention. Anxiety disorders differ from normal feelings of nervousness or anxiousness, and involve excessive fear or anxiety. Anxiety disorders are the most common of mental disorders and affect nearly 30 percent of adults at some point in their lives. 

But anxiety disorders are treatable and a number of effective treatments are available. Treatment helps most people lead normal productive lives.  Anxiety refers to anticipation of a future concern and is more associated with muscle tension and avoidance behavior.  Fear is an emotional response to an immediate threat and is more associated with a fight or flight reaction – either staying to fight or leaving to escape danger.

Anxiety disorders can cause people to try to avoid situations that trigger or worsen their symptoms. Job performance, school work and personal relationships can be affected.  In general, for a person to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, the fear or anxiety must:

• Be out of proportion to the situation or age inappropriate
• Hinder your ability to function normally

There are several types of anxiety disorders, including generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, specific phobias, agoraphobia, social anxiety disorder and separation anxiety disorder." (Source).

Depressive Disorder: "Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease your ability to function at work and at home.  Depression symptoms can vary from mild to severe and can include:

• Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
• Changes in appetite — weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting
• Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
• Loss of energy or increased fatigue
• Increase in purposeless physical activity (e.g., inability to sit still, pacing, handwringing) or slowed movements or speech (these actions must be severe enough to be observable by others)
• Feeling worthless or guilty
• Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
• Thoughts of death or suicide

Symptoms must last at least two weeks and must represent a change in your previous level of functioning for a diagnosis of depression.  Also, medical conditions (e.g., thyroid problems, a brain tumor or vitamin deficiency) can mimic symptoms of depression so it is important to rule out general medical causes.

Depression affects an estimated one in 15 adults (6.7%) in any given year. And one in six people (16.6%) will experience depression at some time in their life. Depression can occur at any time, but on average, first appears during the late teens to mid-20's. Women are more likely than men to experience depression. Some studies show that one-third of women will experience a major depressive episode in their lifetime. There is a high degree of heritability (approximately 40%) when first-degree relatives (parents/children/siblings) have depression" (Source).

Bipolar Disorder: "Bipolar disorders are brain disorders that cause changes in a person’s mood, energy and ability to function. Bipolar disorder is a category that includes three different conditions — bipolar 1, bipolar 2 and cyclothymic disorder.

People with bipolar disorders have extreme and intense emotional states that occur at distinct times, called mood episodes. These mood episodes are categorized as manic, hypomanic or depressive. People with bipolar disorders generally have periods of normal mood as well. Bipolar disorders can be treated, and people with these illnesses can lead full and productive lives." (Source).

Substance Use or Abuse Disorder: "What is Addiction: Addiction is a complex condition, a brain disease that is manifested by compulsive substance use despite harmful consequence. People with addiction (severe substance use disorder) have an intense focus on using a certain substance(s), such as alcohol or drugs, to the point that it takes over their life. They keep using alcohol or a drug even when they know it will cause problems. Yet a number of effective treatments are available and people can recover from addiction and lead normal, productive lives."

"People can develop an addiction to:

• Alcohol
• Marijuana
• PCP, LSD and other hallucinogens
• Inhalants, such as, paint thinners and glue
• Opioid pain killers, such as codeine and oxycodone, heroin
• Sedatives, hypnotics and anxiolytics (medicines for anxiety such as tranquilizers)
• Cocaine, methamphetamine and other stimulants
• Tobacco"

"People with a substance use disorder have distorted thinking, behavior and body functions. Changes in the brain’s wiring are what cause people to have intense cravings for the drug and make it hard to stop using the drug. Brain imaging studies show changes in the areas of the brain that relate to judgment, decision making, learning, memory and behavior control.

These substances can cause harmful changes in how the brain functions. These changes can last long after the immediate effects of the drug. Intoxication is the intense pleasure, calm, increased senses or a high caused by the drug. Intoxication symptoms are different for each substance.  Over time people with addiction build up a tolerance, meaning they need larger amounts to feel the effects.

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, people begin taking drugs for a variety of reasons, including:

• to feel good — feeling of pleasure, “high”
• to feel better — e.g., relieve stress
• to do better — improve performance
• curiosity and peer pressure

People with addictive disorders may be aware of their problem, but be unable to stop it even if they want to. The addiction may cause health problems as well as problems at work and with family members and friends. The misuse of drugs and alcohol is the leading cause of preventable illnesses and premature death.

Symptoms of substance use disorder are grouped into four categories:

• Impaired control: a craving or strong urge to use the substance; desire or failed attempts to cut down or control substance use
• Social problems: substance use causes failure to complete major tasks at work, school or home; social, work or leisure activities are given up or cut back because of substance use
• Risky use: substance is used in risky settings; continued use despite known problems
• Drug effects: tolerance (need for larger amounts to get the same effect); withdrawal symptoms (different for each substance)

Many people experience both mental illness and addiction. The mental illness may be present before the addiction. Or the addiction may trigger or make a mental disorder worse." (Source).

Discussion:  

  Everyone has a personality.  Many DV Offenders have some of these Disorders as listed above -- or other disorders.  However, no DV Offense can be 100% attributed to such disorders.  Why?  Because lots of people with such disorders have never had a DV Offense.  If nothing else, at least we must have made some choices in order to get into trouble.  It is the disorders, however, that often impact our opinions that lead us to such bad choices.  But still, it is us making the choices.  And too often, one of those choices is to NOT get help for our disorders.  Sometimes, we are unaware of our issues until after we start getting help for the symptoms.

  And many DV Victims have these problems as well.  And it is imperative to accept the fact that even if she or he has serious problems, that does not excuse abusing her or him. 

  And most everyone has some personality, thinking, feeling of behavior features that might remind them or others of Personality Disorders.   Everyone has some anxiety and some depression in their lives.  Substance abuse is perhaps the king of them all.  Many MANY DV Offenders were using drugs or alcohol when they got into DV Trouble.  Everyone finds patterns in their lives.  And often their patterns can tell them a lot about their behavior.  

  Another way to look at this is to consider also that many people commit Domestic Violence while they are trying to help (or make) their partner stop using alcohol or drugs; or when they are trying to get their partner the help that they need for a mental illness.  It is important to consider however, that whenever such a situation arises, who ever is trying to help someone stop using drugs or alcohol or trying to help (or make) them start getting help for an untreated mental illness MUST ALWAYS be respectful of that person's privacy and respectful of that person's Rights.

  It is important to know about these things... And to know this is not about shame or guilt.  It is about awareness, accepting responsibility, getting help if needed, and moving forward in a healthier way.

  The first step here is to do some serious soul searching, and then to get help if things like this are Risk Factors for you in your relationships. And effectively addressing such issues truly can improve the quality of your life.  So Go For It!!!

*** Please CLICK HERE To Complete your

PSYCHIATRIC DISORDERS & DV Worksheet. ***

References for SA and DV:

 “What is the link between violence and alcohol use?  Alcohol plays a large role in criminal activities and violence. Excessive drinking has the ability to lower inhibitions, impair a person's judgement and increase the risk of aggressive behaviors. Because of this, alcohol-related violence and crime rates are on the rise throughout the country.”  (https://www.alcoholrehabguide.org/alcohol/crimes/#:~:text=Alcohol%20plays%20a%20large%20role,the%20rise%20throughout%20the%20country.)." 

 

Song List for Discouraging Substance Abuse 

to Listen to While You Do Your Worksheets

No No No Song, Ringo

Stuck in the middle with you.

Pusherman

Surrender

Needle and the Spoon

Purple Haze

She Talks to Angels

Cocaine Blues

Life in the Fast Lane

Truckin

Go Ask Alice

La Flaca

(Originally Published 11/2/2020)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Understanding Communication for Healthy Relationships

    As Human Beings, Communication is typically very important to us.  Communication is commonly defined as: 

• "The imparting or exchanging of information or news."  

  Healthy Relationships are very much about Communication.  Communications can make or break a Relationship.  Many personal Relationships have been started and have been ended over Messages Communicated and Styles of Communication as well as Miss-Communications.

  Likewise, when Domestic Violence happens, it often appears to happen as a result of poor Communication, Poorly Chosen Communication Styles, Communicating too Much, or even Communicating too Little.  
  Some of the primary issues linking Communications to DV include the fact that Listening and Paying Attention are some of the most important parts of Communication.  And DV quite frequently occurs when one or both partners are not listening very well; or are not paying attention; or when one or both parties are sending the wrong signals to each other -- as in miscommunication.
  Another important part of Communication that seems to often be missing in DV Situations is Patience.  In order to maintain healthy relationships; it is often important to ask for, or to give clarification of a message.  Some people lack the patience to ask for or to give clarification.  This can lead to misunderstandings.  
  Question: I wonder how many DV Situations happen due to misunderstandings or miscommunications.

Freedom of Speech & Responsible Communications: Communication can be unbelievably important.  Think about this: A long time ago, the people who formed the United States of America knew that in order for the U.S.A. and the American People to succeed as a Free Country, everyone needed to be free to think what they wanted to think, to believe what they want believe, and to Communicate what they wanted Communicate -- even if it is unpopular, immoral or incorrect.
  Hence the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution reads: "Congress shall make no law respecting establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."
  Among other things, the above-stated Amendment, grants everyone in the U.S.A., Freedom of Speech. So remember, you have the Right to say anything that you want to say. 
  At the same time, you might want to think first.  Why?  Because you are responsible for what ever you say.  Hence, one asks one's self: What is Acceptable Communication?  Just because I have a Right to say something nasty or offensive, does not mean that it would be smart or helpful or effective for me to do so.  
  Please see attached Link to Example of Freedom of Speech.

Effective Communication is the ability to communicate what you need and/or wish to communicate in the way that you mean to communicate it; and to be able to achieve the results that you need or desire.
  When considering a communication to someone, the question for one to ask and answer for one's self might be: "If I communicate this message this way, to this person or to these people, in that place, at this time, will it yield a positive or a negative difference in my life or anyone else's life?  or will it yield any difference at all in my life?  And also, will it yield any difference in the lives of others?
  First and foremost, it is important to almost any type of Communication to be willing and able to Listen or to try your best to comprehend the communication that is being sent to you.  And it is important to monitor reactions to your communications.
  Always remember: Listening and Paying Attention can be the most important part of Communication.  It's not always what one says that matters; sometimes it is what you hear and how you hear it and/or what you think it means.  In other words, two different people can listen to the same message and come away with multiple meanings.
  
Different Ways to Communicate Include:  Verbal, Non-Verbal (Facial Expressions), Oral (but non-verbal), Hand Signals, Social Media, GIFs, Dance Steps, Text Messaging, Face-to-Face, Written (Letter / Memo, Note), Singing, Chanting, Sign-Language, Icons, Other Messaging, Email, Faxing, Smoke Signals or Bon-Fires along the Coast or on Mountain Tops, Light-Houses, Drawing Pictures, Gestures, non-verbal (but oral) Sounds, Tea-Leaves, Tones-, Vibrations-, or Relative-Volume of Sounds,  Switching of Tones, Eye-to-Eye (only) Communication, Flag Signals, Banners, Trophies, Street Signs, Sale Signs, Statues, Codes, Tapping, A Series of Touches, and probably many others. 
  What are some of the ways that you feel most comfortable with when you communicate?  

Meta-Messages / Vibes / The Spirit of the Message:  
  What is Meta-Data -- What are Meta-Messages?  "Metadata is "data that provides information about other data". In other words, it is "data about data." Many distinct types of metadata exist, including descriptive metadata, structural metadata, administrative metadata, reference metadata and statistical metadata. Wikipedia"  Meta-Messages about Messages about a Message?
  Another important part of Communication is It is also important to keep in mind, Meta-Messages / Vibes / or The Spirit of a Message -- like putting together the person's words, the sounds, with their expression, with their posture, with their affect (emotional expression), with their behavior, with the situation, with any known history about them, with any awareness about your own history, and with the history that they and you share, and with your own baggage, with what it means to you, and with everyone's take on it
  For example, what does the picture above communicate to you? 

  When I use a given style of communication, how do people react?  Do all people react the same? No.  
  Communication includes the words or meanings that we are trying to convey.  But it also includes how we convey it on different levels: Including our perceived attitude, our posture, our perceived intent, our expressions (facial or otherwise), our dialect, our command of the language, our style of a given language etc.. etc... and one should always probably wonder: Am I being perceived as Aggressive, Assertive or Passive (or a combination)?  

Important Terms to Define and Differentiate:  The following Terms, Words or Phrases are often helpful when one is trying to learn how to Prevent Domestic Violence Behavior.  Can you Differentiate the following terms from each other? 

• Communication
• Perception
• Listening
• Interpreting
• Argument
• Debating
• Inference
• Agreeing
• Assumptions
• Silent Support
• Truth
• Commitment
• Opinions
• Imply
• Fighting
• Facts
• Aggressive
• Assertive
• Passive
• Patience
• Ignoring

Discussion Question:  What could one do -- Communication wise -- to help de-escalate a situation with your partner that seems like it is winding up toward becoming a crisis?

*** Please Click Here in order to Complete your Communication Worksheet ***

(Originally published 6/29/2020)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Understanding DV from a Trauma-Informed Perspective

   In the Core Competencies for DV Offender Treatment, The Colorado Domestic Violence Offender Management Board states that everyone who goes through DV Treatment should be able to demonstrate Empathy in the following way:  

D.   Empathy:

  1.  Offender development of empathy: Recognizes and verbalizes the effects of one’s actions on one’s partner/victim;

  2.  Recognizes and verbalizes the effects on children and other secondary and tertiary victims such as neighbors, family, friends, and professionals;

  3.  Offers helpful, compassionate response to others without turning attention back on self (D.V.O.M.B. Core Competencies, Item D, 1-3).

 What is Empathy: Empathy can be defined as "the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person" (Source).

 What is Trauma: According to Oxford Dictionary, Trauma is defined as “A deeply distressing or disturbing experience” And it can also be defined as:  “Emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury, which may lead to long-term neurosis” (Source).

  Trauma is often thought of in one or both of two different ways: In terms of physical Trauma such as a Physical Injury that one might go to an ER for; Or in terms of the type of Trauma that one would go and see a Therapist for in order to help them better manage their life that was shaken up in a big way by the Trauma that they had experienced at some time in their life. 

  "The Center for Treatment of Anxiety and Mood disorders defines trauma as “a psychological, emotional response to an event or an experience that is deeply distressing or disturbing.”  When loosely applied, this trauma definition can refer to something upsetting, such as being involved in an accident, having an illness or injury, losing a loved one, or going through a divorce.”

  “However, it can also encompass the far extreme and include experiences that are severely disturbing such as rape or torture. Because events are viewed subjectively, this broad trauma definition is more of a guideline. Everyone processes traumatic events differently because we all face them through the lens of prior experiences in our lives. As an example, one person may be upset or fearful after going through a hurricane, but someone else may have lost family in Hurricane Katrina, which can bring up traumatic flashbacks of their terrifying experience.” (Source).

 Merriam-Webster Dictionary’s definition is even more comprehensive:  “Trauma is the Greek word for "wound".   Although the Greeks used the term only for physical injuries, nowadays trauma is just as likely to refer to emotional wounds. We now know that a traumatic event can leave psychological symptoms long after any physical injuries have healed. The psychological reaction to emotional trauma now has an established name: post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.  It usually occurs after an extremely stressful event, such as wartime combat, a natural disaster, or sexual or physical abuse; its symptoms include depression, anxiety, flashbacks, and recurring nightmares.”” (Source).

  Further, according to Medicine.net, “Trauma is divided into three main types: acute, chronic, and complex” (Source)."

  One model that one could use to help people understand this concept could be what is now commonly called, the "Trauma Informed Perspective". 

 

  What is Trauma Informed?  “A trauma-informed perspective views trauma-related symptoms and behaviors as an individual's best and most resilient attempt to manage, cope with, and rise above his or her experience of trauma.” (Source).

  Whereas, The Center for Mental Health Services National Center for Trauma Informed Care says that another way of looking at it is that "A trauma-informed approach is based on the recognition that many behaviors and responses expressed by survivors are directly related to traumatic experiences."  (Source).

  In short, the National Institutes of Health says, “Individuals who have survived trauma vary widely in how they experience and express traumatic stress reactions. Traumatic stress reactions vary in severity; they are often measured by the level of impairment or distress that clients report and are determined by the multiple factors that characterize the trauma itself, individual history and characteristics, developmental factors, sociocultural attributes, and available resources. The characteristics of the trauma and the subsequent traumatic stress reactions can dramatically influence how individuals respond to the environment, relationships, interventions, and treatment services, and those same characteristics can also shape the assumptions that clients/consumers make about their world (e.g., their view of others, sense of safety), their future (e.g., hopefulness, fear of a foreshortened future), and themselves (e.g., feeling resilient, feeling incompetent in regulating emotions). The breadth of these effects may be observable or subtle” (Source).

Applying a Trauma-Informed Perspective to DV: 

  Regarding the connection between Trauma and Domestic Violence:

“Childhood Abuse and Relationship Violence

  Separate from PTSD, a connection has been found between the experience of certain traumatic events and relationship violence. In particular, studies have found that women who experienced sexual, emotional or physical abuse in childhood were more likely to experience violence in intimate relationships as compared to those without a history of childhood trauma.3

  People with PTSD also have been found to be more likely to be aggressive and engage in intimate partner abuse than people without a PTSD diagnosis. The connection between PTSD and violence has been found for both men and women with the disorder.

Trauma, PTSD, and Domestic Violence

  Researchers have attempted to better understand what may lead people with a history of trauma or PTSD to engage in aggressive and violent behaviors. In studies of U.S. veterans, depression played a role in aggression among people with PTSD.4 People who have both depression and PTSD may experience more feelings of anger and, therefore, may have greater difficulties controlling it.5

  Despite these findings, it is important to note that just because some people have experienced a traumatic event or have PTSD does not mean that they will exhibit violent behavior. There are many factors that contribute to aggressive behavior and much more research is needed to identify the specific risk factors for aggressive behavior among people exposed to traumatic events or who have PTSD.” (Source).

  Frequently, people involved in DV tend to bring their Trauma to the relationships and in many cases, they create more trauma before they leave some relationships.  This is an equal-opportunity type of thing. For example:

• Both Moms & Dads sometimes bring Trauma to their Relationships (with partners and with their children).
• Victims of DV tend to take Trauma away from the Relationship with them.
• And even Perpetrators of DV Tend to take Trauma away from their Relationships at times.
• Many children and others involved can sometimes take trauma from Relationships that include trauma.

A Thought about Victimhood.

  The purpose of this essay is NOT to create more Victims -- or making people feel like they are Victims.  Nor is there an assumption here that everyone is a Victim of something or another.  Further, it is not about making people feel that being a Victim excuses any sort of behavior that causes harm to others.  Rather, this is about allowing space for persons who have experienced Trauma to come out and talk about their Trauma as it relates to their experience(s) with DV.

Seven Questions:

1. What Trauma(s) have I experienced in the past that I brought into the Relationship where I got my DV Offense?

2. What Trauma did my DV Offense bring up for me?

3. In what ways was my DV Offense Traumatic for the Victim(s)?

4. In what ways was my DV Offense Traumatic for anyone else involved?

5. What am I currently doing to help heal myself from the Trauma that I may have experienced related to my DV Offense?

6. What am I currently doing to help heal others that may have experienced Trauma related to my DV Offense? 

7. In what ways could briefly focusing on the various Trauma(s) among my life's events help me to make better decisions in the future? 

What can I do to help Myself or Others heal from Trauma related to my DV Offense?  A partial list of potentially helpful ideas:

1. Work on ways to Heal Myself.  Learn good self-healing techniques (e.g. mindfulness).  Work on my Relaxation-Type Skills / Maybe if I get Spiritual it might work for me.
2. Get help for My Trauma -- Therapy / Counseling.  (Do so Before a Judge tells me to).
3. Work through My Own Trauma in a Sober Fashion.  Process my feelings about it.
4. I can own my Guilt for what I did that harmed myself and/or others; but I must not carry the Shame -- I need to know that I am not a "Bad Person".  I am a good person who did something bad.
5. Work hard on ways to prevent potential trauma-causing thoughts and behaviors -- that could effect anybody -- in the future.
6. Work on Accepting what I have done as well as how it effected other people; and then learn how to Forgive Myself. 
7. Really Show myself (and maybe even others) that I have Grown (hopefully) in positive ways through the awful situation that I was a part of.
8. Promise myself to accept the Process and to not fight the Good Changes that I am undergoing.
9. Commit to ongoing learning from what happened and commit to doing better next time.
10. Try to make amends or pay reparations if it's appropriate and if it is possible to do so without doing any harm to anyone (including myself).  And don't expect to be forgiven.
11. Practice Forgiveness for whatever I think (or I know) that others have done to hurt me.
12. Try to move on in my life, being with others; and listening to others without judging.

 

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   Trauma Informed DV Victim Empathy Worksheet. ***

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(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)