Understanding the Red Flags for Domestic Violence in order to Prevent Domestic Violence Before it Happens

Question: If we can learn about what are considered to be the Red Flags for Domestic Violence -- or the Early Warning Signs of DV, then how can we use this information in order to prevent ourselves from ever again committing Domestic Violence, Being Accused of DV, or getting a DV Charge?

  This is an excellent question.  Surely no one wants to again find his or her self being accused of abuse by a person who he or she really likes being with.  No one wants a DV Charge.  And  it doesn't have to be that way.  However, in order to prevent future DV-related problems, one would be wise to learn more about DV, what it looks like, how it happens, and most importantly, how to prevent it from happening again in their relationships.  

  In some cases we might actually worry that we are doomed to failure -- that we are bound to continue along this lonely path.  And the reality is that if we fail to plan on ways to prevent such tragedies from haunting our lives in the future, we will need to muster the courage to move forward and try to change things that we have a good chance of changing.  One can start this process by examining the evidence and then using a Thinking Model to help create possible Solutions.  

  One way to prevent Domestic Violence could be to learn how to stop it before it starts.  This would be prevention.  This sort of prevention could be a positive for everyone.  

  Try to Look at it this way.  Take a list of Red Flags for Potential Domestic Violence or Warning Signs of a potentially Violent Relationship and give it some serious and sincere thought.  

  Then try to set up a thinking model such as this below, and use it to help figure out how to change behaviors that might show up initially in a Relationship; such that the Red Flag or Warning Sign Behaviors are no longer present.  But in order to do that in a meaningful way we will need to put some thought into it and do the following: 

1.  Identify Red Flags and/or Warning Signs that have shown up in your past Relationships that have become abusive;
2. Identify your thoughts related to generating or contributing to the manifestation of such Red Flags or Warning Signs;
3. Identify your feelings related to generating or contributing to the manifestation of such Red Flags or Warning Signs;
4. Identify your behaviors related to generating or contributing to the manifestation of such Red Flags or Warning Signs;
5. And finally, we have to Plan on ways to prevent us for thinking, feeling or doing any of these types of behaviors that tend to show up as Red Flags or Warning Signs for DV in Relationships.

  And Remember this: Red Flags are not the same as Risk Factors.  Risk Factors are generally things about a person in his past or present that put him at Risk of committing Abuse or Domestic Violence.  Where as Red Flags, are simply things in the present that are Warning Signs that something might be about to happen.  

Take a look at the thinking model below:

• On the Left side of the Page, write down a Red Flag.

• Then on the Right side of the Page, write down things you could do to prevent this Red Flag from happening.

Example: 

Red Flag  

              Possible Preventive Solution

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

• RED FLAG: "Wants to move too quickly into the relationship." 

• SOLUTION: Go very slowly developing a Relationship.  Take your time.  Be patient.
• Other Solution: Avoid being the one to push the Relationship forward unless your partner indicates that she/he is definitely ready for this.  

Or

• RED FLAG: "Wants you all to him- or herself; insists that you stop spending time with your friends or family."

• SOLUTION: Be extra careful to try and include your new friend's family and friends in activities. 
• Other Solution: Always be ready and willing for your new friend to spend time with her or her family and friends.  

Text Below is in Draft Form -- i.e., is still not completely Edited:

(PLEASE Continue to the Bottom of this Page to Complete Your Worksheet)

Some Questions one might consider to help with the Thought Process:

What are my Red Flags for DV?

What are some ways of Successfully Dealing with Red Flags?

How well do I Recognize my Red Flags?

Am I typically able to Avoid the Blame Game?

What might be a food first step in Successfully Dealing with Red flags?

When facing down the perceived catastrophic impact of a Red Flag Crisis, might it be smart to back off, take a time out, stop, breathe, focus, reflect and choose wisely?

What are some of the key ingredients to dealing with my Red Flags?

Is it not probably a smart thing to ask for help while in the middle of a Red Flag crisis?

What are some ways one might be able to identify a Red Flag crisis?

What are some false signs of a Red Flag crisis?

What do I have the power to change?

What are some things that I probably ought to accept as they are?

If my partner tells me she/he is having a Red Flag crisis, then is he/she really having a Red Flag crisis?

If my partner screams at me then do I have a right to have a Red Frag crisis?

If my partner is having a bad day, develops a bad attitude, then takes it out on me; do I have a right to have a Red Flag crisis?

What are some of the best ways for me to Calm Myself Down?

 

Notes from other Authors who are representing VICTIM ADVOCACY Agencies and Others:

"Red Flags of Abuse

"Domestic violence encompasses a spectrum of behaviors that abusers use to control victims. The following list includes warning signs that someone may be abusive. If you or a friend experience these behaviors from a partner, remember: it is not your fault and there are advocates waiting to help.

“Red flags” include someone who:

         Wants to move too quickly into the relationship.

Early in the relationship flatters you constantly, and seems “too good to be true.”

Wants you all to him- or herself; insists that you stop spending time with your friends or family.

Insists that you stop participating in hobbies or activities, quit school, or quit your job.

Does not honor your boundaries.

Is excessively jealous and accuses you of being unfaithful.

Wants to know where you are all of the time and frequently calls, emails, and texts you throughout the day.

Criticizes or puts you down; says you are crazy, stupid, and/or fat/unattractive, or that no one else would ever want or love you.

Takes no responsibility for his or her behavior and blames others.

Has a history of abusing others.

Blames the entire failure of previous relationships on his or her former partner; for example, “My ex was totally crazy.”

Takes your money or runs up your credit card debt.

Rages out of control with you but can maintain composure around others."  (Source)

 

"Early Warning Signs: Identifying DV Red Flags 

(March 15, 2018, Survivor Spot; By Jenn Rockefeller)

"It’s not always easy to recognize the warning signs of someone’s toxic behavior. These signs, or red flags, can be difficult to detect at times. More often than not, the red flags are thickly veiled behind a carefully crafted façade of charm and wit.

 So how can you be able to better spot the red flags in the future? Below is a list of some of the earliest warning signs of an abusive relationship.

Love-bombing

Gaslighting

Glimpses of anger

Jekyll and Hyde

Condescending and “joking”

Lack of empathy

Lying

Blame shifting" (Source) 

According to Catalyst DV Services: RED FLAGS OF ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

You fear your partner will hurt you, your pets, or themselves if you leave the relationship

You miss work, classes or meetings because your partner prevents you from attending

You feel confused about the rules of your relationship and responsible for your partner's behavior

You feel nervous around other friends or family about what your partner might say or do to embarrass or humiliate you

You feel like your partner does not respect your sexuality

You feel pressured to share passwords to email accounts, social networking sites, or to show your partner your cell phone

You feel like your partner keeps track of you all the time

You are embarrassed to tell your friends or family how your partner treats you

You feel controlled

Your partner is extremely jealous and uses it as an excuse to control your behavior (who you talk to, what you wear, where you go, etc.)

Your partner pressures you to move the relationship faster than what feels natural (saying “I love you” right away, wanting to move in together, get married, have kids, etc.)

Your partner consistently accuses of you things that you haven’t done (ex. Cheating)

Your partner is very possessive over your time and attention

Your partner isolates you from your friends and/or family

Your partner makes unreasonable demands

Your partner has an explosive temper

Your partner threatens to harm you or has harmed you in the past but promised it wouldn’t happen again

Your partner criticizes you or puts you down; most commonly tells you that you are "crazy," "stupid" and/or "fat," or that no one would ever want or love you."  (Source).

Or Watch out for these Red Flags from "Someone who:

"Wants to move too quickly into the relationship.

Does not honor your boundaries.

Is excessively jealous and accuses you of having affairs.

Wants to know where you are all of the time and frequently calls, emails and texts you throughout the day.

Criticizes you or puts you down; most commonly tells you that you are “crazy,” “stupid” and/or “fat,” or that no one would ever want or love you.

Says one thing and does another.

Takes no responsibility for their behavior and blames others. Has a history of battering.

Blames the entire failure of previous relationships on their partner; for example, “My ex was a total bitch.”

Grew up in an abusive or violent home.

Insists that you stop spending time with your friends or family.

Seems “too good to be true.”

Insists that you stop participating in leisure interests.

Rages out of control and is impulsive.

Pay attention to the “red flags “and trust your instincts. Survivors of domestic violence frequently report that their instincts told them that there was something wrong early on but they disregarded the warning signs and didn’t know that these signs were indicative of an abusive relationship. Always take time to get to know a potential partner and watch for patterns of behavior in a variety of settings. Keeping in touch with your support system and participating in good self-care can lower your risk of being involved in and abusive relationship." ((Source): From the National Network to End Domestic Violence.) 

Some Final Thoughts about Red Flags:

So how does one solve these Red Flags -- if one has ever been accused of being abusive, or has ever been abusive.  How do these Red Flags from becoming Real? 

What Assumptions or Thoughts and Feelings do I have when I am exposed to my Red Flags and/or My Triggers?

When I am exposed to My Red Flags and/or My Triggers for DV, What to I worry about?  And What kinds of Behaviors do I do?

Why do I do what I do when I am exposed to my Red Flags and/or My Triggers?

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Red Flags for DV Worksheet!!!***