Sunday, February 27, 2022

Attitudes And Types Of Thinking That Might Support DV-Type Behaviors: And How To Avoid Them

  Obviously, the things that we Humans do -- or Our Behaviors -- tend to be dictated by OUR Decisions and or Choices that we make.  And our Decisions and our Choices are typically based on our Perceptions about what is going on, Our Values, Our Beliefs, Our Attitudes, Our Desires, Our Needs, Our Intentions, and Our Thinking.

  Whenever we get into trouble of any kind, it is usually because of a Choice that we made and the Thinking and/or Behavior that we did prior to making that choice.
  Hence, if our Values, Beliefs, Attitudes, Thinking and Behaviors are those that somehow permit us to act in negative ways or even to commit DV, then we will likely choose to act negatively or to Commit DV -- even if we did not know at the time that it was DV, or that it was illegal.
  As a Mental Health Therapist and a DV Prevention Counselor or Treatment Provider, I have seen and heard many different types of thinking and attitudes from people who have gotten DV Charges (See below).  
  And I feel it is really important to know that this is not about anyone feeling ashamed; rather this is about people getting a really good look at some of what tends to under-pin or motivate DV-type Behaviors.  This way it can hopefully be prevented.
  And by the way, these are also things to watch out for in prospective future partners.


Beliefs, Attitudes and Thinking that Could Lead to DV

  This Lesson is about Learning about some of the Beliefs, Attitudes and Thinking can lead to DV or at least to some very negative patterns of thinking and behavior.  This is not to point anyone out or to pick on anyone in particular.  But below is a list of possible Less-Than-Helpful Thoughts and Attitudes that might sometimes lead to trouble.
  So, first lets take an inventory of sorts, asking the question: What are our possible Attitudes And Types Of Thinking That Might Support and/or Promote negative behaviors or DV: And How can we possibly Avoid Them?
  So, Which of these thoughts below seem familiar to you?
  (Items marked with an * are items that might just as commonly be found among women as men.)

* -- Thinking that Relationships are Permanent and that they will Never Change.

-- Thinking that I Own her (or him).

* -- Thinking that I Have a Right to Control Who She (or he) Talks To or Spends their time With.

-- Thinking that I have Privileges that she (or he) does not have.  Like going out and drinking with friends. 

-- Thinking that it is My Right to Control All of The Money -- especially if I earn all the money.

* -- Thinking that I do all the work around the house.

* -- Thinking that I am in a Position to Judge Her (or Him) About Almost Anything that they do or that they Believe.

-- Thinking that Because She's Female (or He's a Male), She (or He) is Somehow Less than I am.

* -- Thinking that Because She has (He has) Committed to this Relationship with me That I Don't Have to Respect them 100% of the Time any more.

* -- Thinking that I can Use The Kids To Get Her (or Him) To Do What I want them to do.

* -- Thinking that Because She's A Woman (or He's a Man), they are Automatically Responsible for Certain Things such as Cleaning the House, Cooking and Watching the Kids -- or even putting gas in the in the Car, doing the Yardwork, or Keeping a Steady Job.

-- Thinking that I have a Right to take Sex from Her (or Him) any time I want to because she is my wife (or He is my Husband).

* -- Thinking that if I suspect (or even think I know) that they are Cheating on me, that I have a RIGHT to know any of the details --- much less ALL of the details.

* -- Thinking that I get to determine what is FAIR, and what is not FAIR for us regardless of how she (or he) feels about it.

* -- Thinking that it is My job to Teach Her (or Him), to Mold them, or to Make them do things the way I Want her them to do them.

* ? -- Thinking that whenever we disagree, that it must be settled asap, and that one of us has to be right and the other one has to be wrong.

-- Thinking that I am more powerful than her (or him) just because I am bigger, stronger and know how to fight better.

* -- Thinking that Because we are together or even married; I have a Right to make her (or his) Family and others butt out of our business.

* -- Thinking that Because She (or He) has me, they do not need to have anyone else in their life -- like no friends, no nothing....

* -- If she (or he) already has kids from before; thinking that their other kids are somehow NOT my responsibility and that they should not be treated as well as we treat the children that we share.

* -- Thinking that Because She (or He) chose to leave me; I have a Right to Alienate them from our children -- or from our friends, my family, or from anyone or anything else for that matter.

* -- Thinking that my behavior when I am stoned or drunk or even blacked out does not count.

-- Thinking that Because I make the money, she (or he) has no need for Education, Training or even a Job.

* -- Thinking that I have the Right to Control where she (or he) Works and With Whom they Work.

* -- Thinking that I have a Right to look at her (or his) Phone -- such as to see if she they are "cheating" on me.

* -- Thinking that When I am Angry, I have a Right to break anything around the House as long as it is something that I Paid For.

* -- Thinking that Because She is a Female (or He is a Male), that they are not as Smart as, or as Honorable as I am.

* -- Thinking that doing things the way my own Family did them is the way it has to be.

* -- Thinking that I have a Right to do things that I Like, even if they hurt their feelings.

* -- Thinking that it is okay to verbally Disrespect or Threaten Her (or Him) as long as I do not hit them.

* -- Thinking that it is acceptable for me to intentionally make her (or him) Jealous and make them believe that I am seeing someone else just to manipulate them.

* -- Thinking that I have the Right to Manipulate Her (or Him) by Threatening to Kill Myself if they don't do what I want them to do right now. 

* -- Thinking that I have a Right to Call Her (or Him) Names.

* -- Thinking that If I Accuse Her (or Him) of Cheating, or even Catch them Cheating that it will Solve anything.

-- Thinking that Because I am Bigger or Meaner or Stronger or Smarter or Cuter than Her (or Him), that I get to make significant decisions (I.e., Choosing a place to live, buying a vehicle, or even naming a child) without also seeking their Approval.

* -- Thinking that I have a Right to Humiliate her (or him) in front of others (or even privately), in order to get them to do what I want.

-- Thinking that it is Okay for me to emotionally or physically hurt or Threaten to hurt or neglect the Kids or the Pets when we are not getting along.

* -- Thinking that I am in a Position to determine what my partner is Really thinking or feeling.

* -- Thinking that it is understandable and acceptable for me to say and/or do hurtful and/or destructive and/or embarrassing things when I am Angry.

-- Thinking that it is Wrong to get help from a Family Member, Counselor, Therapist, a Good Friend, Doctor or Minister when we -- as a couple -- or even when either one of us -- as individuals -- are experiencing serious problems.

* -- Thinking that it is okay for me to use our funds to purchase Alcohol or Drugs -- especially if I have an Addiction -- and even if we do not have money for our basic needs.

* -- Thinking it is normal for me to NOT Trust her (or him) -- especially around people of the opposite sex.

* -- Thinking that it is Acceptable for me to live off of her (or his) Public Assistance Entitlements such as Food Stamps, Housing, Tan-F or Disability without contributing.

-- Thinking that as a Man (or Woman), I have "needs", Hence I have a Right to take a Mistress or a Sancha (Sancho) if they do not sexually please me the way I want them to.

-- Thinking that it is Okay for me to keep, play, watch or listen to offensive and/or demeaning Music or Videos in the Home, or in the presence of Her (or Him) and/or the Kids.

-- Thinking that as the Man (or Woman), it is My Role to intentionally use my Power Over them, or to Subjugate and/or Dominate My Partner, or even the Kids in order to Teach them to Respect Me.

-- Thinking that while in this Relationship, it is Acceptable for me to keep company with people or even family or friends who are disrespectful toward Women / (or toward Men) or toward Children in general and/or specifically toward Our Children and/or my Partner.

-- Thinking that Because I am the Man (or a Woman), I can single-handedly make important decisions regarding our Children (such as school, sports, church, or medical treatment etc...) without even considering the feelings of my partner.

-- Thinking that it is Okay for me to Yell and Scream in My House because I feel Angry -- even if it is scary for others when I do so.

-- Thinking it is Acceptable for me to Drive in a Scary Way when I am Angry.

-- Thinking that during times when we are Troubled, Arguing or Fighting, that I have a Right to mess around with, Clean, Display, Brandish, Train, or even Practice with a Weapon -- such as a handgun -- of any kind particularly in the presence of, or even on the same property as My Partner and/or the Children.

-- Thinking that She (or He) does not have a RIGHT to Love or even to Like any other person of the opposite Sex as much as they like or love me.
  

  CAN YOU THINK of ANY MORE???

  No doubt there are more out there.  RIGHT???


Some Ideas or Principles about Preventing the Attitudes and/or Preventing the Thoughts that might constitute "DV-Type Attitudes", "Thinking" or "Behaviors" --  that might be DV include:

1. Always know that you and your Partner are basically Equals.  You might not always notice their worth, but it is there.  Neither of you is more important as a Human than the other.  Treat your Partner like an EQUAL Partner -- for as long as you are partners.

2. Always show RESPECT for your Partner and for the Children in every way possible.  But above all, Respect yourself ...  Always strive to find ways where BOTH you and your partner can feel respected.  

3. Obtain and Maintain a firm grasp on the separation of things that you CAN Control from the things that you CANNOT Control.  Don't try to control things about your partner that you cannot control.

4. Work hard to develop a Strong Sense of Empathy for your Partner and for your Children.  Learn about what makes them tick and definitely learn about what makes them tickle.  Remember, if it is flies that you want; Honey attracts more flies than Vinegar.

5. Learn how to Communicate -- and learn that Listening is the MOST IMPORTANT Part of Communication.  And in a Crisis type of argument with your Partner or with your Kids -- if it is physically safe to do so, ALWAYS try to sit down and listen fully to their point of view.  Then work to negotiate and even compromise a Fair Solution.  This way you will never be perceived as threatening.

6. Remember that Fairness is not Fair, unless you both agree that it is Fair.  

7. Commit to always being HONEST with yourself and HONEST with your Partner.  But be careful what you say, when you say it, and how you say it.  Think before you talk.

8. Do the Best you can for your Partner -- every time -- FOR YOUR PARTNER.

9. Never Use the Children in any way to Hurt, Insult, or Relay negative messages to your partner; or to your Ex.  

10. Always be Accountable to Your Self and to your Partner.  Be willing to sit down and listen to your partner's concerns and be as prompt as you can be in the efforts to take accountability for things that you have done.


Discussion: 
  
  What do you think?  

  Do I see myself in any of these descriptions.  Do I -- or Have I -- thought of or done any of these things?

  What kinds of thoughts and feelings might underlie these types of attitudes and thinking -- this "DV Thinking" that I have had?

  Where do we learn these types of thinking and attitudes -- this "DV Thinking"?  Quite possibly, I learned it from my Family, from Friends, From Society, or even from my own Cognitive Distortions

  What could be the effects of such Thinking and Behaviors -- this "DV Thinking" -- on my partner?

  What could be the effects of such Thinking and Behaviors on our children?

  What could be the effects of such Thinking and Behaviors on other people?

  What could be the effects of such Thinking and Behaviors on Me?

  Finally, when I think or behave this way  -- with this "DV Type Thinking" --  does it really work for me?  

  Does it work for anyone?  Probably not.  

  Does it get me what I want?  No.

  So, Why do I do these things?  

  Perhaps I will never really know why.  

  But what I can do is I can try really hard to change my own Thinking, my own Attitudes,  -- my own "DV Thinking" --  and my own Behaviors.  
 
  And then I can try to move forward with a different type of thinking and a different attitude as well. 

  And perhaps then, things might work out better for me and for my partner and for our kids. 

  What do you think?  




Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  



And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.       
 




(Originally posted 4/19/2021)

Musica:
Can't You See... (Marshall Tucker Band)
South City Midnight Lady (Doobie Brothers)

Thank you.  And have a nice day.


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Sunday, February 20, 2022

What is Love? And How Might a Better Understanding of Love Help Us Avoid or Even Prevent Domestic Violence?

  I think we can all agree that romantic relationships, marriages, romantic partnerships are largely about finding love and perhaps, hopefully even keeping love -- for the duration...  But it seems we rarely ever really stop to think about what Love really is.
  It's to say that we all want LOVE.. and why is that???  Possibly if we are loved, then we belong... right?  And humans really do tend to want to belong to someone else; and / or something else like a group, a family, a club or a religion or whatever.... its usually good to belong......

So What Is Love?

  Think about it: What is love?  When I say "I love you" to my partner"; what do I really mean?  If I say that; what am I really trying to say?  And what does Love look like across different circumstances -- like how does a parent love a child versus how a boy loves a girl; much less how a girl loves a boy?  Today, we are going to explore this together.

  Some people believe that Men and Women tend to love each other differently,  One “Study author Elizabeth Schoenfeld, a researcher at the University of Texas in Austin, found that while men show love by initiating sex or sharing activities together, wives express love by being less assertive and more accommodating.”  On the other hand, "There aren't too many real gender and sex differences between men and women on the whole," said Stevie Yap, a researcher in the department of psychology at Michigan State University in East Lansing, according to HealthDay.  "If you look at the overall research, gender differences don't usually hold up." (Source).

  Whether it is for Men or Women; it seems that many (if not most) Humans have a strong desire to somehow find and experience love in their lifetimes.


How does Love Change as We Mature?

  “Our love moves from the higher arousal emotions of interest, amusement, and joy into the calmer positive emotions of serenity, gratitude, inspiration, and awe.”

  As we move from passionate to companionate love, “our levels of adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin get back to their normal state,” Rowbotham says.

  “They’re replaced by oxytocin, a hormone that’s released as a result of the physical closeness we experience with our partners.”

  Oxytocin, the “hug hormone”, calms you down and makes you feel more connected to your partner.

  According to one study, oxytocin can also make a person consider their relationship in a more positive light.”  (Source).  

  
But what is Love?  Let's look at some different ideas about love and definitions related to Love.

Quotes about Love found in the Holy Bible:

   “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”   (1 Corinthians 13:4). 

          “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man." (Proverbs 3:3-4).

      “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." (Ephesians 4:2).

     “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8).

     “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." (John 15:12).

     “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." (Corinthians 13:13).
   

      According to the Teachings of The Buddha: 
    
“Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity.” 

 “You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” 

      “Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.” – Buddha
     And According to Islam:

    "The laughter of our spouse is one of the best sounds in life. Always try to make them smile and keep them happy In ’Sha’Allah"

      "Love is shown in your deeds not in your words"

      "A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other."

 
     Per Hinduism:

       In Hinduism, kāma is pleasurable, personified by the god Kama. For many Hindus schools it is the third end in life.

       In contrast to kāma, prema or prem refers to elevated love. Love in Hinduism is sacrament. It preaches that one gives up selfishness in love, not expecting anything in return.

  It also believes "God is love". A sacred text named Kanda Guru Kavasa quotes, " Oh holy Great flame, Grant me with love.. You said the spreading love is Para Brahma, For the thing which is everywhere is only Love, And Love is the only thing which is like a soul within us, Love is Kumara, Love is Kanda" This simply means Love is God.

  The love of the Hindu deity Krishna with Radha and many other gopis (milkmaids) of Vrindavana is highly revered. His amorous dance with the gopis became known as the Rasa lila[50] and were romanticised in the poetry of Jayadeva, the author of Gita Govinda. These became important as part of the development of the Krishna bhakti traditions worshiping Radha Krishna.[51]  (Source).

 

      For the Sikhs:

        In Sikhism, love means love for the Lord and His creation. This is one of five virtues vigorously promoted by the Sikh Gurus. The other four qualities in the arsenal are truth (sat), contentment (santokh), compassion (daya), and humility (nimrata). These five qualities are essential for a Sikh and it is their duty to meditate on and recite the Gurbani so that these virtues become a part of their mindset.

  Love is a positive and powerful tool in the Sikh's arsenal of virtues. When one's mind is full of love, one will overlook deficiencies in others and accept them wholeheartedly as a product of God. Sikhism asks all believers to take on godlike virtues, and this perhaps is the most godlike characteristic of all. Gurbani teaches that Waheguru is a "loving God" full of compassion and kindness. It is the duty of the Sikh to take on qualities of this nature and to easily forgive, never hate anyone, and live in Waheguru's Hukam and practise compassion and humility.”  (Source).


“Eight Different Types of Love (According to the Ancient Greeks):

       “Eros” or Erotic Love.  The first kind of love is Eros, which is named after the Greek god of love and fertility.  Eros represents the idea of sexual passion and desire.”

       “Philia” or Affectionate Love. The second type of love is philia, or friendship. The ancient Greeks valued philia far above Eros because it was considered a love between equals.”

       “Storge” or Familiar Love.  Although storge closely resembles philia in that it is a love without physical attraction, storge is primarily to do with kinship and familiarity. Storge is a natural form of affection that often flows between parents and their children, and children for their parents.”

       “Ludus” or Playful Love.  Although ludus has a bit of the erotic Eros in it, it is much more than that. The Greeks thought of ludus as a playful form of love, for example, the affection between young lovers.”

       “Mania” or Obsessive Love.  Mania love is a type of love that leads a partner into a type of madness and obsessiveness. It occurs when there is an imbalance between Eros and ludus.”

       “Pragma” or Enduring Love.  Pragma is a love that has aged, matured and developed over time. It is beyond the physical, it has transcended the casual, and it is a unique harmony that has formed over time.”

        “Philautia” or Self Love.  The Greeks understood that in order to care for others, we must first learn to care for ourselves. This form of self-love is not the unhealthy vanity and self-obsession that is focused on personal fame, gain and fortune as is the case with Narcissism.”

        “Agape” or Selfless Love.  The highest and most radical type of love according to the Greeks is agape, or selfless unconditional love.”


Per Dr. Beverly: 

  “Love is the willingness & the ability to accept, admire, respect & possibly even cherish someone for the way they are right now, & right now, & now, & right now, & now…and as you both move into the future....”


What about Love Across Cultures?

“Given love is a divine thing, let us try to know how people in different cultures express their love to their dear and near ones :

France: According to experts, the dating landscape in France is quite different than the rest of the world. The French usually say ‘I Love You’ to their partner within two months of dating or relationship. Not only that, people introduce their lover to friends after a few dates and parents in between one to three months.

Japan: Surprisingly, Japanese language does not have any exact phrase that can be equal to ‘I Love U’. The closest phrase to ‘I Love You’ is “ai shiteiru“. Still this phrase is not necessarily voiced in a serious relationship. Therefore Japanese people uses other expressions to show their feelings or affection for their love.

Iraq: In Arabic, the word ‘ahibbik’ represents both love and like. Iraqi men in general pronounce this word to their love on their first meeting.

South Korea: Koreans do not say ‘I Love You’ much to their partners. They usually avoid expressing feeling verbally. As per experts, when anyone feels that he or she are in love, they get aware of it. That’s ok for them. But this tendency is increasingly changing thanks to the exposure to western cultures and movies.

Iran: In 20th century, a man saying ‘I Love You’ meant proposing a woman for marriage and is followed by his family meeting the woman’s parents to talk about their wedding. However, things took an ugly turn around 1979 when Islamic revolution brought in new social rules and started punishing couples who were not related to one another.

Nowadays when a man says ‘I love you’ can mean he is ready to take their relationship forward. Both Iranian men and women in general use this words to show their feelings to each other.

China: In the country, men in the age group of 20-35 usually say ‘wo ai ni’ to women as a sign of showing love or affection. Before saying the phrase, the couple can hold hands and hang out together but perhaps refrain from having intimate acts or publicly accepting each other as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Expression of one’s fondness or likings to others may surely be different from culture to culture. But the taste or eternal meanings of love is quite the same regardless of every single person.“ (Source).


Love and Domestic Violence: 

  Surely Love and DV are definitely NOT complimentary actions.  But yet, they sometimes seem to happen in the same relationships.  How does this happen?  Is it possible to have DV with someone that one loves?  Or, is it practical to believe that when there is Love, there is never Domestic Violence? 

  And if you now feel more confused about what Love is than when you started this little study here, then it appears that you got the message.


              YOUR "TYPE OF LOVE"  WORKSHEET *** 
(Quotes about Love in the Bible.  Retrieved 12/30/2017 from: https://www.theknot.com/content/bible-verses-about-marriage.).  (Types of Love According to the Ancient Greeks.  Retrieved 12/30/2017 from: https://lonerwolf.com/ different-types-of-love/).

(Quotes Compiled by Dr. Beverly, June 2018 and February 2022)
 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).
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Monday, February 14, 2022

A Review of Two Solid Techniques for Preventing DV: STOP, BREATHE, FOCUS, RELAX, REFLECT and CHOOSE WISELY --- AND --- TAKING TIME OUTS

  Today, we are going to talk about what are probably Two of the BEST Ways to Avoid DV-Type Feelings, Thinking or Behaviors

 First, let me ask you a few questions (Feel Free to Chime In).  What would you do if:  

>>>  What if you and your partner had a really big fight last night and she (he) told you to leave; but you didn't.  Not a word between you all night; and today, while you were on your lunch break, she (he) texted you that she (he) and your 3-year-old are moving in with his (her) mother for now, while they file for Divorce; what would you do??

>>>  Let's say: you know a person is in an abusive relationship.  Let’s say that you know it is abusive, because you have seen or heard it with your own eyes or ears.  What would you tell her (or him) to do?

>>>  If your partner was planning to start a job tomorrow at a place where lots of eligible singles hang out, what would you do?.

>>>  Let’s also say that you have noticed that someone close to you is in pain (physical and emotional) as result of this abusiveness in her (his) relationship.  What would you tell her (or him) to do?.

>>>  If your partner and you had just not been connecting lately; and they started up an argument with you about something that could spell the end of your Relationship; what would you do?

>>>  If someone who is a Victim of Abuse told you that they are going to go back to their abuser because they have no power; What would you tell her (or him) to do?.

>>>  If you got into an argument with your partner and you decided to leave so that you could just get away from the hurtful things they were saying to you; and then as you were driving down the road, they texted you saying: "And don't you ever come back here, you A__hole!!!"; what would you do?

>>>  If someone who is close to you was being abused and they told you that they were going to go ahead and go home today because she or he wanted to Stand up for herself or himself What would you tell her (or him) to do?. 

>>>  If you had been worrying for a while about how heated and even disrespectful your arguments have been getting with your partner lately; and if they started talking about something that tends to make you very angry; what would you do? 

For sure: NOW's a Great Time for either (or BOTH), a STOP, BREATHE,

 FOCUS, RELAX, REFLECT and CHOOSE WISELY ---  

 and / or --- Take A TIME OUT!!!     What-da-ya-Think???

  When I'm not sure if I need a time out; then this technique helps me clear my mind enough to where I can decide wisely whether to take a Time Out; or whether to simply do this Stop, Breathe and Focus exercise and just move forward.  
  If violence is already happening.  Or if I am really thinking about doing violence, then it is time to take a Time Out.  
  Otherwise, Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely can help me handle the situation in a constructive way.  I can do this in the same room or in a different room.
  In many cases, such a break could be a Time Out.  However, if it is not that bad; then one can do a pretty simple, easy-to-do exercise that helps them relax and adjust their thinking such that they feel a whole lot more in control of their self; while feeling a whole lot less of a need to continue to try and control their partner.


Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely:

(Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely) can be done in as little as 15 minutes.  Here is how you do it:

  • Stop --  Stop Talking -- Stop Arguing -- Stop trying to Prove Something.  Stop doing what ever I am doing, get alone for a moment -- if needed.  Or just sit down if possible in the same room and  (Stop, Shut yourself up, Sit Down, and Start Breathing -- slow, deliberate deep breaths).  Either stay in that room where the argument was taking place -- and listen to the other person (only if it's safe to do that).  
    • Or if needed, go into another room where you can feel peaceful.  Be by yourself for a few moments..  Listen to yourself.  It's kind of like meditating.  If you cannot leave the room where the problem is taking place, then at least sit down and shut yourself up.  Stop talking.  Stop reacting.  Focus on you.  What are you thinking?  And listen to your partner.
  • Breathe --  Breathe deeply (close my eyes if I need to), get into a nice comfortable posture, feeling your body, feeling your senses, body relaxed.  All my weight on my but.  Breathe deeply – in slowly and out slowly (feel my blood cells in my lungs becoming more oxygenated, and let that flow up to my brain and it makes me think more clearly at that moment).  This can help me make better decisions..  
    • Focus --   Focus on your breathing.  Focus on relaxing your body.  Focus away from what ever has been happening that has you so frustrated.  Focus on what I am facing.  The reality.  The pain.  The Anger.  The Fear.  What am I afraid of?  And what are the Possibilities (bad or good)?
      • Relax --   Relax some more. Focus on breathing some more.  Relax for a few more moments…….  Take it easy….  Take some more deep breaths.  SLOWLY.  Get out of a hurry of the stress in that was in that other space.  No hurry.  Take your time.
      • Reflect -- Reflect on what I would like to have happen for me right now or in the near future.  How would I like for this situation to resolve?  Continue to Relax and Breathe as you do this -------   
        • And Reflect on what I would like for this moment or for my life to be remembered for as I get older.  Do I want to be remembered as someone with DV-type problems, DV convictions etc...?  Or do I want to be remembered as someone who really cared for people and cared for myself, and showed it by doing the right thing(s) such as Stop, Breathe and Focus; rather than fighting?  
        • Disengage from the Craziness in that other space.... (Stop chasing the solution with that other person for right now.)
      • Re-Focus --  Now, Re-Focus on what I need to do right now to feel better.  Do I need to take a Time Out?  (Remember... Sobriety is a must in these situations.).  
        • Think: "What -- if anything -- has to happen right now?"  
        • Does anything really need to be done right this minute?  
        • Is this an emergency?  Probably not.  
        • Or can it wait for just a little while, or few days or weeks?  
          • Keep breathing deeply, Relaxing, Focusing...  
        • What can I do to turn this into a situation that works for me?  
        • And how does patience help me right now?  
          • Keep doing the deep breathing.  Keep doing the right thing.
      • Choose Wisely --  Choose what you need to do right now (if anything).  Choose something that will BOTH prevent any more bad feelings regarding this situation right now; and/or something that will help you address the situation in a way that is non-threatening, peaceful, respectful, helpful, and a win-win solution for everyone.  
        • Or be patient until you have such a solution.  
      • (Then when you present a solution to the other person -- be sure to first: Listen to what your partner is saying; and also remember that as you speak about your ideas, you must be flexible).  
        • And always continue with patience.

         ---------------------------------------------------

      Taking Time Outs:

      Taking Time Outs can be A Great Tool for Helping Keep Potential Domestic Violence Victims from Being Harmed; And an Effective Tool for Helping Keep A Potential Domestic Violence Offender from Becoming A Domestic Violence Offender.


        Did you ever wonder what is basically going to happen when a Police Person intervenes in a Domestic Violence Dispute and finds that either; a Domestic Violence crime has happened; or that a Domestic Violence crime is about to happen?  
        In such cases, perhaps a Time Out is about to happen.  Either that Police Person is going to recommend that one or both parties involved in the dispute take a Time Out.  Or that Police Person is going to require that one or the other of the parties involved has to take a time out.  
        If the Police requires a Time Out, then someone is probably going to get arrested and charged with a DV-Related Crime.
        Question: Do you need for a Police Person to come along and give you a Time Out when one is needed?  Or can you take a Time Out on your own when one is needed?


        When Should One Take A Time Out?
        If one begins to think about committing violence, is thinking thoughts or feeling feelings that could lead to violence of any kind.  Or if one has a history of losing their temper and one is about to lose their temper; it is time to take a Time Out instead.  
        One should be aware of his or her Red Flags that might indicate that one could be at risk of becoming violent. 
        When one feels Cues telling him or her that they are truly starting to feel like doing violence or feeling that one may soon be unable to control one's self, then it is definitely time to act.  It is time for a Time Out.  

        How does One Take a Time Out?  
        Ideas on How to Take a Time Out in order to Prevent DV are readily available.  For Example, Author and Family Therapist, Dr. Richie Cole (1993) suggested that things one should do include (These lists below are Paraphrased and Edited for inclusion): 

      Things to do when Taking a Time Out:
      • 'Say you're taking a Time-Out and/or give the Time-Out hand signal
      • Immediately leave the place you're at without getting caught up in an argument or explanation.
      • Try to make sure you're positioned near an exit so your partner won't be in your pathway. If you push her on the way out, you've been physically abusive and re-violated.
      • Go away from the place you are and do a relaxation exercise or some physical activity that will not reinforce abusive actions in order to initially deal with your adrenaline rush.
      • Make a buddy contact with a group member (or a close friend) who's working the program. (This means you should have phone numbers in a few different places and always in your wallet.)
      • Call or Text your female or male partner after about 30 minutes to let them know you're taking your Time-Out and that you're not doing something destructive to yourself, to them or to the relationship. Don't get caught up in a conversation and don't talk about the matter at hand.
      • Tell her or him that you’re on your Time-Out and that you'll call them in a few hours.
      • Notice if you need to do another relaxation exercise or some activity to deal with your physiological state.
      • Do a control log analyzing your behavior. Don't examine her or his behavior.
      • Think about how you want to non-abusively deal with the situation. You may need to road-map the situation.
      • Make sure you stay away for at least four (4) hours since the adrenaline pump won't fully abate for at least that amount of time.
      • When the time is appropriate call your partner and see if she or he is open to having you return and to deal with the matter at hand. If they are, return and deal with them in a non-abusive, assertive and empathic manner. Only return or talk about the issue at hand if your partner wants to do so.
      • If the red flags reappear take another Time-Out.'

      Things to NOT do when Taking a Time Out: 
      • 'Never try to give your partner a Time Out.  She or he needs to make that decision for themselves.
      • Don't give any parting shots, insults, threats or poor me-type signals.  Just leave.
      • Don't act abusively toward anyone.
      • Try not to make this into a moral situation where you determine that she or he is wrong and you are right.  Instead, I need to figure out what I am doing wrong or what I am doing that is not working for me.
      • If there is a small child around, DO NOT Bring Them into the argument.
      • Don't drink alcohol or use drugs or engage in other addictive behaviors.
      • Don't stay with, or see another person who could be thought of as a potential partner; or even a friend or family member who is the same sex/gender as your partner.
      • Don't do any behavior that will reinforce violent actions, Such as, martial arts, boxing, batting practice, shooting weapons, etc.
      • Don't return home too early.
      • Don't get caught up in an argument on the phone.
      • Don't interact with people who will reinforce violent and controlling thoughts, behaviors, or beliefs.
      • Don't think you're above and beyond a Time-Out.
      • Don't forget or fail to clearly announce your Time-Out.

      Now: What do you do when?  And which should you try first?




      Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.


      And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.        

      (Originally Posted, June 7, 2021)

      (c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic     and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)


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