Learning How To Argue In A Healthy Way for Healthier and Happier Relationships

  First: Think about the Historical use of Argument.  Arguments actually do a lot of good; but productive arguments are not always done the way that many of us think arguments should be done.  For one, think of all the comforts and the things that we would not have as a Human Civilization today if not for Arguments.  We have all benefited from Arguments; we just may not know it yet?

  Some of the greatest arguers ever known to humankind have names that we have heard before: Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Galileo, Da Vinci, Copernicus, Thomas Paine or even Freud?

• For Example: Some professionals argue for a living.

• Philosophers ( such as those named above) -- Essentially invented argument.  Philosophers such Aristotle essentially invented things such as parts of the Scientific Method, as well as certain Methods for Argument about Right and Wrong (Ethics or Moral Philosophy) or Logic.
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• Attorneys / Lawyers argue for a living (like in Court) -- while Judges settle Arguments.  In the U.S.A., Court is one place where people argue for a living.
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• Teachers and (more so) Professors try to teach people how to Argue.  And many Professors are actually Professional Arguers as well... such as in the use the what's called the Socratic Method.
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• Scientists present their findings of Research and other Researchers or Scientists or even Scholars argue for or against the validity of their findings.  In other words sometimes we come up with better solutions because we argue about our results or our research until we are enlightened by new information or by new ways of thinking.   
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• Politicians argue for what they think is right.  And they are often swayed by the arguments of Lobbyists and Advocates.
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• Authors who write Editorials or Op/Eds or Books or Popular Articles or even Scholarly Journal Articles often argue for a living as well.  They get paid to argue in writing.

• And Guess What Else?  All of these people above -- are typically able to argue almost every day and yet they are trained on how to do so without being disrespectful or violent.
• But without Freedom of Expression -- Freedom or Speech and Freedom of Thought and Belief; We would essentially be nowhere as far as arguments go.
• Because there are societies where arguing is not legal.  Stalin killed as many as 40,000,000 - many of which were killed because they disagreed with his philosophy of Government.
• Many leaders and even Mobs throughout the ages have killed people for having different opinions.

Arguments can be Personal and Professional.  But still in all, if in a Personal Argument, a person can argue in a Profesional way, they might find that it helps their relationship, more than it hurts the relationship.

  Today's lesson is about Arguing in a Professional way.

According to Merriam Webster's Dictionary, an Argument is:

• "The act or (the) process of arguing, reasoning, or discussing."
• That's all it is...

Another way to look at Argument is that Argument is:

• "A coherent series of reasons, statements, or facts intended to support or establish a point of view."
• The problem is that it appears to be that most Americans seem to think that argument is essentially a fight; when truly, nothing could be further from the truth.  Arguing and fighting are two completely different things.

Per Dr. B., Some of The Possibly Good Things About Healthy Argument Include:

1. Can Help us build Stronger Relationships.  Helps with Nurturing your Relationships.
2. Can Help one partner get to know the needs, desires and concerns of the other partner in a really good way.
3. It can Help a Couple Find New Information, Workable Solutions and even Better Solutions.
4. It often Increases Bonding between Partners.
5. It also sometimes helps one or both Partners in Clearing the Air.  In that way it can help us feel better.
6. Helps each Partner learn how to Increase their Listening Skills.  Helps Partners Learn Skills at paying attention to the new information presented during an argument.
7. Helps individual Partners at Building Collaboration and Negotiation Skills.  Argument is Good practice for Collaboration and Negotiation.
8. Builds on one's ability to exercise Patience.
9. Helps one develop more Clear and more Rational and more Logical Thinking Skills.  Arguing helps one build Critical Thinking Skills.
10. Argument can be a great way to experience the depths and the strength of a Relationship; but only when it is done respectfully.

Why does this Seem So Outlandish to Some People -- the Idea that Arguing Can Be Good???

• Could it be that this seems crazy because usually when me and my partner disagree, it turns into a fight?  
• Or perhaps this seems crazy because as a child, I learned not to argue...?  
• Or perhaps I am afraid that an argument will bring me down or even break us up...? 
• But does it really have to be that way?
• What if you were in a Healthy Relationship where it was perfectly okay to have a different opinion about something important?  
• Is that even possible?  What do you think?  Yes, with Critical Thinking.
• So remember, if it wasn't for argument, everyone might just be thinking the same things all the time.  Everyone might eventually even have the same point of view.  There would be no diversity of thought.  It might even be illegal to have a point of view that is different from the Average point of view, or the Majority point of view. 
• Without Argument and Critical Thinking we might not have the benefits of Diversity.  Where would we be as a Society without a Diverse or a Minority Viewpoint?  Finally, where would we as a People be without Diversity in our manners of thinking and in our bodies of knowledge?  

Some Tools for Arguing include the following:  Self Respect, Respect for others, Listening skills, Critical Thinking skills, Clear Respectful and Rational Communication, Patience, Collaboration skills, Negotiation skills, Willingness to consider Minority or Different Viewpoints, and even Compromise.  And finally, one probably really needs to know one's self in order to argue in a healthy way.

Dr. B's Rules About Arguments / How To Argue Without Destroying An Otherwise Good Relationship:

1. Accept that Argument is an almost inevitable part of Relationships.  It's gonna happen.
2. Know that the Purpose of an Argument is to Find Solutions Together.  The Purpose of an Argument is NOT to Win.  It is not about Winning or Losing or being Right or Wrong.
3. Arguments are NOT about Venting either necessarily; however, we often feel better after we share our point of view on important matters.  But it is important in an Argument to try and keep the emotions from taking over.  It's often good to stay on point.
4. Understanding the difference between Truths and Facts helps in Arguments.  We each have our own Truths.  But between us somewhere, lie the Facts.  I might own my Truth.  But I can never own the Facts.  Because Truths are not Always FACTual.  Truths are what each person believes to be True.  Whereas FACTS are simply FACTS.  They don't change much.  And the Purpose of an Argument is often to learn what the FACTS are by Listening to Each Person's Truths.  (Perhaps this is why in Court, the Judge asks you: "Do you swear to tell the TRUTH and nothing but the TRUTH, so help you GOD?"  Rather than asking you if you will swear to tell the FACTS and nothing but the FACTS, so help you GOD?)  Another Purpose of an Argument is to Discover Facts as gleaned from Truths.  So it's important that we always respect and even Value our Partner's or the other person's Truths.  In essence, we need to learn how to value the fact that the other person has a Truth; even if we disagree with it.
5. Effective Arguments do not necessarily have Winners or Losers.  An Effective Argument does not need to include Blame, Shame, Guilt, Exaggeration or Intimidation.  Effective Arguments should almost always end in a positive, fulfilling way -- if possible.  In other words, when an Argument ends; both parties should feel like they learned something new; or that something is finally settled -- or about to be settled.
6. Arguments tend to have Rules.  And the first Rule of Arguments is Respect.  Successful Romantic Relationships (and Other Relationships); as well as productive, and healthy arguments; are all built on Respect.  ALWAYS be Respectful toward your Partner (And Everyone Else too -- including yourself) -- especially if you are trying to argue about something.)  Especially if you disagree.  Proper Argument is always done in a Respectful Manner.  If an Argument is NOT Respectful; then it is no longer an Argument.  It then has become a Fight.  
7. Arguments are NOT Fights.  Arguing is NOT Fighting.  Fighting is one of the most Disrespectful things one person can do to another person or to themselves.  Whereas a good Argument can be educative, enlightening, resourceful and even helpful -- and above all, a good Argument MUST BE Respectful at all times.
8. One cannot really facilitate a healthy Argument in a rush either.  Take your time.  Make time to Argue.  
9. Always be sure to to identify the standards you are using for telling what indicates success in the argument.  For example:  Do NOT confuse Morals with the Law or what is Legal with Morality.  In other words, what is Legal is not always Right.  And what seems Right, is not always Legal.  In other words, just being Right or Legal in an Argument does not necessarily win the Argument for both people; unless, that is the standard for a successful argument in that case.  Because the goal is often to be BOTH Right  (or good) and also Legal at the same time, for example.
10. Try to argue about one point at a time.  Don't mix points or time frames.  If you are arguing about one thing, don't bring up another until this one is settled.
11. A Point only becomes a Point if you both agree that it is point -- and that point belongs to both of you.  No person gets more points than the other in a Personal Argument.  The objective here is to settle differences; not to win.  Now, in a Courtroom it's different to do it this way because the Judge (and/or the Jury) are frequently keeping score.  

"How to Communicate During an Argument: 7 Quick Rules (By Estes (2012).  (Dr. B's Annotations are in Parentheses):

1. "Avoid bringing up the past.  When your partner comes to you with a concern or is upset, avoid bringing in the past as an example, to prove your point, or in an attempt to resolve the issue. ...  (Much less to shame or intimidate your partner).  (Dr. B. says, Don't bring up the past or exaggerations in order discount the other person's point and try to win; when in fact, the purpose is to solve things, not to win or lose.)
2. Use positive pointing language. ...  (Don't blame your partner -- Like "You always..... or You never...."  etc..  Use "I" statements noticing positive qualities about your partner.  Be sensitive to how both you and your partner are feeling during this argument.  We don't want to create more damage than good.)
3. Become a “we” ... (Like Partners -- or like a Team -- yeah... like a Couple!).  Look at the solution as something "we" are seeing together, given the facts that have now been revealed through our truths and our argument.
4. Claim your own role in the problem. ... (Take Responsibility and Accountability for what you have contributed to the problem.  Be accountable.)
5. Calm your nerves. ...  (Deep Breathing helps, Grounding helps.  Be patient.  Try to Ralax.  Try never to argue standing up.  Sit down, listen and listen really well.)  (Don't raise your voice).
6. Don't leave -- or walk out on the argument if you can help it; unless it's getting abusive; or if it is time for you to take a Time Out. ... If nothing else, you can Stay there and listen Respectfully.  Be Patient.
7. Bring down the wall."  (Be yourself).  (Let your partner come past your defenses.  (From: Jennine Estes, MFT (2012)).

*** Don't let your argument get the best of you. ***

*** Other: The "Rules for Argument" as proposed by the University of Colorado include an 
"Argument Checklist", which suggests that the following questions be answered prior to arguing  (Dr. B's Annotations are in Parentheses):

• "Is this subject worth arguing about?  (Will it take an argument to solve this? Or do you simply need a friendly negotiation instead?)
• Have I gathered enough evidence to make an argument?  (Have I established what the Truths are as well as what are probably the FACTS.  Hence, is my argument going to be based in fact or in fiction?)
• Do I represent the views of my opponents in a way they would consider fair?  (Would my partner agree with the way I am representing her or his View of the Situation?  Or am I exaggeration or embellishing truths in order to sway opinions?  Or am I missing crucial information?)
• Have I developed my argument logically?  (Or am I just angry and venting?  But seriously, does my argument flow from one point to the next without holes?)
• Is my use of evidence accurate?  (Or am I minimizing or just exaggerating?)
• Have I tried to prove too much?"  (Am I over-arguing in trying drive home the point?)

  *** Please Click Here to Complete Your Worksheet on Arguing in Relationships **   

Sources: Webster's Dictionary Online.

  Jennine Estes, MFT (2012) "How to Communicate During An Argument."
  "Rules for Argument: Make Your Argument Convincing" (University of Colorado, Denver).
  "A Short Guide to Writing About History" Marius (1999).

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Please Read:

  Everyone who attends a DV Session This Week should Pay for that Session This Week, either through the the PayPal / Debit Buttons Below (to the right), through mailing Payment to Dr. B.; or through Voucher.

  Everyone who has an IOU as of This Week, should Pay something on that IOU Every Week until that IOU is completely PAID off.

  Everyone who Attends a DV Session This Week and wants to get CREDIT for this Session SHOULD do three things: 

1. Complete BOTH the Session Worksheet(s) and the Session Feedback Form.  Do this EVERY WEEK.  (Links for those can be found at the bottom of each Session Text.)

2. Pay for this Session This Week (one way or another); and

3. Pay on their IOU if they have one.  You may calculate your Balance by taking your number of sessions multiplying it by your Co-Pay amount, and then subtracting from that, the amount of Vouchers that you have been issued and used within their time limit.  (Ask your P.O. if you need to know about your Vouchers).

Questions:  If you have any questions regarding this, please present your  questions to Dr. B. PRIVATELY.  Please use Text or Email to do this.

Accountability for What is Perceived by Other People as Domestic Violence

  If I do something that could be viewed as the wrong thing to do -- Did I still do it?

And even if I did it in the shade where no one could see me do it -- I still did it, right?

Accountability: According to one source, Accountability can be defined as "a noun that describes accepting responsibility, and it can be personal or very public. A government has accountability for decisions and laws affecting its citizens; an individual has accountability for acts and behaviors. Sometimes, though, taking accountability means admitting you made a mistake."  And at other times, one has to simply admit that they made a poor choice.

Perception (Perceived) is in the eyes of the observer.  I cannot count the number of times that a person with a DV Offense told me that he or she was accused of DV; however they said that the accuser did not know what was really going on.  Yet still, this person with a DV Offense was sitting right in front of me -- just as the Court Ordered.  

  In other words, what is perceived as DV by some people might or might not have been intended to be DV by the person who actually did it; however, it may have been perceived as such by the victim, or even by the observer.

  Surely, if one does not intend to commit DV, then one should not be doing anything that could be perceived as DV, right?

  Thus, even if one continues to feel like one was convicted or offered a plea deal based on someone else's faulty perception; the fact is that this person is now under Court Order to complete DV Treatment.

  In other words; even if one does not think they committed DV; the Court believes that they did.  So one might as well relax and make the most of this opportunity to make some positive changes in one's life.

Getting Deeper into Accountability in Terms of a Domestic Violence Offense:

  Noting the definition at the top of this page, within the Context of Domestic Violence, Accountability can be further defined as: When a person with a DV Offense takes full (100%; not just 50%) responsibility for his or her own actions, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings related to the DV Offense(s).  This includes becoming responsible for his or her part in the cause(s) of DV, the reason(s) for the DV, the behaviors leading up to the DV Offense, all of the different elements of the DV itself, the effects of the DV, the impact that this DV had on all of those who were affected by it, and even the actions that other people took to try and deal with DV.

  In DV-Related situations, the person with the DV Offense is called upon to be 100% Accountable for his or her actions.

  At the same time -- although the Offender must NEVER try to blame the Victim for the Offense; there are cases where it is also in the victim's interest to search her or his self for accountability for her or his own actions, thoughts, behaviors and the impact on self and others as they relate to the DV Offense.  

  In other words; even if the Victim did something that upset me; I have no Right to do what I did to them.  And that's there are Charges attached.

  Now again, it is never a Victim's fault for being attacked by an anyone else.  However, some victims of DV might be wise to try and help prevent themselves and others from becoming victims of DV through making wiser, more informed, slower, and more proactive choices about who to get involved with, which Risk-Factors to tolerate, and which ones to take seriously, when to start safety planning, when to involve third parties such as counselors or advocates, when to contact police, and when and how to exit volatile relationships safely. 

  Nonetheless, regardless of who the Victim is, or what they did or did not do; the DV Offender must be 100% Accountable for his or her choices and actions.  

  Accepting this responsibility is part of the change process as well as the healing process. 

What does Accountability Look Like in DV Treatment?

  Accountability-like Behaviors can include:

1. ·         A person apologizing for his or her DV-related actions, behaviors, thoughts and/or feelings without blaming any of it on the other person;
2. ·         A person accepting that his or her DV-related legal problems are NOT the fault of the Victim, the police, the person who called the police, the Courts, Probation, or DV treatment providers;
3. ·         A person coming to all DV classes, paying for all DV classes, Contributing thoughts, feelings and ideas in class, and Complying with all other DV-related requirements.
4. ·         A person actively taking a full moral inventory of her or his own character, behavior, thinking, feeling, or socialization challenges that lead to the DV and making a serious commitment to changing them for the better;
5. ·         A person taking full responsibility for his or her DV actions without trying to say that it was the alcohol or drug’s fault; 
6. ·         A person taking steps to make amends (altruistic amends only – (i.e., expecting nothing in return)) for the damage he or she did;
7. ·         A person taking serious steps and making serious lifestyle changes that will lead to preventing any DV in the future; and
8. ·         A person committing to living her or his life in such a way as to have the serenity to accept the things that she or he cannot change; the courage to change the things she or he can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    Think about it: In your current situation, what does Accountability look like when one is really getting something out of DV Treatment?   

Check out this Article on ACCOUNTABILITY!

“Ways to be Accountable When You Have Been Abusive.”

by Kai Cheng Thom  

As I sit in my bed and begin to type (beds are my favorite typing places), there is a part of me that says, Don’t write this article.

There is a part of me that still resonates deeply with the fear and shame that surround the topics of abuse and intimate partner violence – the taboo that most communities have around talking not just about the fact that people experience rape and abuse, but that people we know and care about might be rapists and abusers.

Perhaps most secret and shameful of all is the fear that we, ourselves, are or have been abusive – the fear that we could be those villains, those monsters in the night.

Nobody wants to be “an abuser.” No one wants to admit that they have hurt someone, especially when so many of us have been hurt ourselves.

But the truth is that abusers and survivors of abuse do not exist, and have never existed, in a dichotomy: Sometimes, hurt people hurt people.  In this rape culture we live in, sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference between the hurt you are experiencing and the hurt you are causing someone else.

Seven years ago, when I first started training as support worker for survivors of intimate partner violence, I was sitting in a training workshop when someone asked what our organization’s policy was on taking requests for support from people who were abusing their partners and wanted help stopping.

The answer was brusque and immediate: “We don’t work with abusers. Period.”

Fair enough, I thought. After all, an organization created to support survivors of rape and abuse should center survivors, not the people who hurt them. The only problem was, I wondered, What happens when people are both survivors and abusers? And if we don’t work with abusers, who does?

Note: I am not, in this article, talking about whether or not a relationship can be “mutually abusive.” This is a conversation for another time. Rather, I am suggesting that people who are survivors in one relationship are capable of being abusive in previous or later relationships.

Seven years later, as a therapist who has worked with many individuals who are “recovering” or “former” abusers, I am still looking for the answers to those questions. The fact is that there are extremely few resources and organizations out there with the mandate, will, and/or knowledge to how to help people stop being abusive.

But doesn’t the feminist saying go, “We shouldn’t be teaching people how not to get raped, we should be teaching people not to rape?”

And if so, doesn’t it follow that we shouldn’t only support people who have survived abuse, we should also support people in learning how not to abuse?

When we are able to admit that the capacity to harm lies within ourselves – within us all – we become capable of radically transforming the conversation around abuse and rape culture. We can go from simply reacting to abuse and punishing “abusers” to preventing abuse and healing our communities.

Because the revolution starts at home, as they say. The revolution starts in your house, in your own relationships, in your bedroom. The revolution starts in your heart.

 

The following is a nine-step guide to confronting

the abuser in you, in me, in us all.

 

>>> 1. Listen to the Survivor

When one has been abusive, the very first – and one of the most difficult – skills of holding oneself accountable is learning to simply listen to the person or people whom one has harmed:

• Listening without becoming defensive.
• Listening without trying to equivocate or make excuses.
• Listening without minimizing or denying the extent of the harm.
• Listening without trying to make oneself the center of the story being told.

When someone, particularly a partner or loved one, tells you that you have hurt or abused them, it can be easy to understand this as an accusation or attack. Very often, this is our first assumption – that we are being attacked.

This is why so many perpetrators of abuse respond to survivors who confront them by saying something along the lines of, “I’m not abusing you. You are abusing me, right now, with this accusation!”

But this is the cycle of violence talking. This is the script that rape culture has built for us: a script in which there must be a hero and a villain, a right and a wrong, an accuser and an accused.

What if we understood being confronted about perpetuating abuse as an act of courage – even a gift – on the part of the survivor?

What if, instead of reacting immediately in our own defense, we instead took the time to listen, to really try to understand the harm we might have done to another person?

When we think of accountability in terms of listening and love instead of accusation and punishment, everything changes.

 

>>> 2. Take Responsibility For the Abuse

After listening, the next step in holding oneself accountable is taking responsibility for the abuse. This means, simply enough, agreeing that you and only you are the source of physical, emotional, or psychological violence directed toward another person.

A simple analogy for taking responsibility for abuse can be made to taking responsibility for stepping on someone else’s foot: There are many reasons why you might do such a thing – you were in a hurry, you weren’t looking where you were going, or maybe no one ever taught you that it was wrong to step on other people’s feet.

But you still did it. No one else – only you are responsible, and it is up to you to acknowledge and apologize for it.

The same holds true for abuse: No one, and I really mean no one – not your partner, not patriarchy, not mental illness, not society, not the Devil – is responsible for the violence that you do to another person.

A lot of factors can contribute to or influence one’s reasons for committing abuse (see the point below), but in the end, only I am responsible for my actions, as you are for yours.

 

>>> 3. Accept That Your Reasons Are Not Excuses

There is an awful, pervasive myth out there that people who abuse others do so simply because they are bad people – because they are sadistic, or because they enjoy other people’s pain.

This is, I think, part of the reason why so many people who have been abusive in the past or present resist the use of the terms “abuse” or “abuser” to describe their behavior. In fact, very, very, very few people who abuse are motivated to do so by sadism.

In my experience as a therapist and community support worker, when people are abusive, it’s usually because they have a reason based in desperation or suffering.

Some reasons for abusive behavior I have heard include:

• I am isolated and alone, and the only person who keeps me alive is my partner. This is why I can’t let my partner leave me.
• My partner hurts me all the time.  I was just hurting them back.
• I am sick, and if I don’t force people to take care of me, then I will be left to die.
• I am suffering, and the only way to relieve the pain is to hurt myself or others.
• I didn’t know that what I was doing was abuse. People always did the same to me. I was just following the script.
• No one will love me unless I make them.

All of these are powerful, real reasons for abuse – but they are also never excuses. There is no reason good enough to excuse abusive behavior.

Reasons help us understand abuse, but they do not excuse it.

Accepting this is essential to transforming culpability into accountability and turning justice into healing.

 

>>> 4. Don’t Play the ‘Survivor Olympics’

As I mentioned above, communities tend to operate on a survivor/abuser or victim/perpetrator dichotomy model of abuse. This is the belief that people who have survived abuse in one relationship can never be abusive in other relationships.

I find that social justice or leftist communities also tend to misapply social analysis to individual situations of abuse, suggesting that individuals who belong to oppressed or marginalized groups can never abuse individuals who belong to privileged groups (that is, that women can never abuse men, racialized people can never abuse white people, and so on).

But neither of the above ideas is true.  Survivors of abuse in one relationship can, in fact, be abusive in other relationships.

And it’s for privileged individuals to abuse others because of the extra power social privilege gives them, but anyone is capable of abusing anyone given the right (or rather, wrong) circumstances.

It can be easy, when confronted with the abuse we have perpetrated, to try and play “survivor Olympics.”

“I can’t be abusive,” we may want to argue, “I’m a survivor!” Or “The abuse I have survived is so much worse than what you’re accusing me of!” Or “Nothing I do is abusive to you, because you have more privilege than me.”

But survivors can be abusers, too.

Anyone can be abusive, and comparing or trivializing doesn’t absolve us of responsibility for it.

 

>>> 5. Take the Survivor’s Lead

When having a dialogue with someone who has abused, it’s essential to give the survivor the space to take the lead on expressing their needs and setting boundaries.

If you have abused someone, it’s not up to you to decide how the process of healing or accountability should work.

Instead, it might be a good idea to try asking the person who has confronted you questions like: What do you need right now? Is there anything I can do to make this feel better? How much contact would you like to have with me going forward? If we share a community, how should I navigate situations where we might end up in the same place? How does this conversation feel for you, right now?

At the same time, it’s important to understand that the needs of survivors of abuse can change over time, and that survivors may not always know right away – or ever – what their needs are.

Being accountable and responsible for abuse means being patient, flexible, and reflective about the process of having dialogue with the survivor.

 

>>> 6. Face the Fear of Accountability

Being accountable for abuse takes a lot of courage.

We live in a culture that demonizes and oversimplifies abuse, probably because we don’t want to accept the reality that abuse is actually commonplace and can be perpetrated by anybody.

A lot of people paint themselves into corners denying abuse, because, to be quite honest, it’s terrifying to face the consequences, real and imagined, of taking responsibility.

And there are real risks: People have lost friends, communities, jobs, and resources over abuse.  The risks are especially high for marginalized individuals – I am thinking particularly of Black and Brown folks here – who are likely to face harsh, discriminatory sentencing in legal processes.

There is nothing I can say to make this hard reality easier.

I can only suggest that when it comes to ending abuse, it’s easier to face our fear than live in it all of our lives. It’s more healing to tell the truth than to hide inside a lie.

When we hold ourselves accountable, we prove that the myth of the “monster” abuser is a lie.

 

>>> 7. Separate Guilt from Shame

Shame and social stigma are powerful emotional forces that can prevent us from holding ourselves accountable for being abusive: We don’t want to admit to “being that person,” so we don’t admit to having been abusive at all.

Some people might suggest that people who have been abusive ought to feel shame – after all, perpetrating abuse is wrong. I would argue, though, that this is where the difference between guilt and shame is key:

Guilt is feeling bad about something you’ve done. Shame is feeling bad about who you are.

People who have been abusive should feel guilty – guilty for the specific acts of abuse they are responsible for. They should not feel shame about who they are, because this means that abuse has become a part of their identity.

It means that they believe that they are fundamentally a bad person – in other words, “an abuser.”

But if you believe that you are an “abuser,” a bad person who hurts others, then you have already lost the struggle for change – because we cannot change who we are.

If you believe that you are a fundamentally good person who has done hurtful or abusive things, then you open the possibility for change.

 

>>> 8. Don’t Expect Anyone to Forgive You

Being accountable is not, fundamentally, about earning forgiveness.  That is to say, it doesn’t matter how accountable you are – nobody has to forgive you for being abusive, least of all the person you have abused.

In fact, using the process of “doing” accountability to try and manipulate or coerce someone into giving their forgiveness to you is an extension of the abuse dynamic. It centers the abuser, not the survivor.

One shouldn’t try aim for forgiveness when holding oneself accountable. Rather, self-accountability is about learning how we have harmed others, why we have harmed others, and how we can stop.

But…

 

>>> 9. Forgive Yourself

You do have to forgive yourself.  Because you can’t stop hurting other people until you stop hurting yourself.

When one is abusive, when one is hurting so much on the inside, that it feels like the only way to make it stop is to hurt other people, it can be terrifying to face the hard truth of words like abuse and accountability.  One might rather blame others, blame society, blame the people we love, instead of ourselves.

This is true, I think, of community as well as individuals. It is so much easier, so much simpler, to create hard lines between good and bad people, to create walls to shut the shadowy archetype of “the abuser” out instead of mirrors to look at the abuser within.

Perhaps this is why self-accountability tools like this list are so rare.

It takes courage to be accountable. To decide to heal.

But when we do decide, we discover incredible new possibilities: There is good in everyone. Anyone is capable of change. And you are braver than you know."

Kai Cheng Thom is a Contributing Writer for Everyday Feminism. She is a Chinese trans woman writer, poet, and performance artist based in Montreal. She also holds a Master’s degree in clinical social work, and is working toward creating accessible, politically conscious mental health care for marginalized youth in her community. You can find out more about her work on her website and at Monster Academy."

(Retrieved: https://transformharm.org/9-ways-to-be-accountable-when-youve-been-abusive/)"

  Please click on the link below to complete the attached Worksheet in order to complete this topic:  Accountability for What is Perceived as DV Worksheet

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(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic     and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)