Accountability for What is Perceived by Other People as Domestic Violence

  If I do something that could be viewed as the wrong thing to do -- Did I still do it?

And even if I did it in the shade where no one could see me do it -- I still did it, right?

Accountability: According to one source, Accountability can be defined as "a noun that describes accepting responsibility, and it can be personal or very public. A government has accountability for decisions and laws affecting its citizens; an individual has accountability for acts and behaviors. Sometimes, though, taking accountability means admitting you made a mistake."  And at other times, one has to simply admit that they made a poor choice.

Perception (Perceived) is in the eyes of the observer.  I cannot count the number of times that a person with a DV Offense told me that he or she was accused of DV; however they said that the accuser did not know what was really going on.  Yet still, this person with a DV Offense was sitting right in front of me -- just as the Court Ordered.  

  In other words, what is perceived as DV by some people might or might not have been intended to be DV by the person who actually did it; however, it may have been perceived as such by the victim, or even by the observer.

  Surely, if one does not intend to commit DV, then one should not be doing anything that could be perceived as DV, right?

  Thus, even if one continues to feel like one was convicted or offered a plea deal based on someone else's faulty perception; the fact is that this person is now under Court Order to complete DV Treatment.

  In other words; even if one does not think they committed DV; the Court believes that they did.  So one might as well relax and make the most of this opportunity to make some positive changes in one's life.

Getting Deeper into Accountability in Terms of a Domestic Violence Offense:

  Noting the definition at the top of this page, within the Context of Domestic Violence, Accountability can be further defined as: When a person with a DV Offense takes full (100%; not just 50%) responsibility for his or her own actions, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings related to the DV Offense(s).  This includes becoming responsible for his or her part in the cause(s) of DV, the reason(s) for the DV, the behaviors leading up to the DV Offense, all of the different elements of the DV itself, the effects of the DV, the impact that this DV had on all of those who were affected by it, and even the actions that other people took to try and deal with DV.

  In DV-Related situations, the person with the DV Offense is called upon to be 100% Accountable for his or her actions.

  At the same time -- although the Offender must NEVER try to blame the Victim for the Offense; there are cases where it is also in the victim's interest to search her or his self for accountability for her or his own actions, thoughts, behaviors and the impact on self and others as they relate to the DV Offense.  

  In other words; even if the Victim did something that upset me; I have no Right to do what I did to them.  And that's there are Charges attached.

  Now again, it is never a Victim's fault for being attacked by an anyone else.  However, some victims of DV might be wise to try and help prevent themselves and others from becoming victims of DV through making wiser, more informed, slower, and more proactive choices about who to get involved with, which Risk-Factors to tolerate, and which ones to take seriously, when to start safety planning, when to involve third parties such as counselors or advocates, when to contact police, and when and how to exit volatile relationships safely. 

  Nonetheless, regardless of who the Victim is, or what they did or did not do; the DV Offender must be 100% Accountable for his or her choices and actions.  

  Accepting this responsibility is part of the change process as well as the healing process. 

What does Accountability Look Like in DV Treatment?

  Accountability-like Behaviors can include:

1. ·         A person apologizing for his or her DV-related actions, behaviors, thoughts and/or feelings without blaming any of it on the other person;
2. ·         A person accepting that his or her DV-related legal problems are NOT the fault of the Victim, the police, the person who called the police, the Courts, Probation, or DV treatment providers;
3. ·         A person coming to all DV classes, paying for all DV classes, Contributing thoughts, feelings and ideas in class, and Complying with all other DV-related requirements.
4. ·         A person actively taking a full moral inventory of her or his own character, behavior, thinking, feeling, or socialization challenges that lead to the DV and making a serious commitment to changing them for the better;
5. ·         A person taking full responsibility for his or her DV actions without trying to say that it was the alcohol or drug’s fault; 
6. ·         A person taking steps to make amends (altruistic amends only – (i.e., expecting nothing in return)) for the damage he or she did;
7. ·         A person taking serious steps and making serious lifestyle changes that will lead to preventing any DV in the future; and
8. ·         A person committing to living her or his life in such a way as to have the serenity to accept the things that she or he cannot change; the courage to change the things she or he can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    Think about it: In your current situation, what does Accountability look like when one is really getting something out of DV Treatment?   

Check out this Article on ACCOUNTABILITY!

“Ways to be Accountable When You Have Been Abusive.”

by Kai Cheng Thom  

As I sit in my bed and begin to type (beds are my favorite typing places), there is a part of me that says, Don’t write this article.

There is a part of me that still resonates deeply with the fear and shame that surround the topics of abuse and intimate partner violence – the taboo that most communities have around talking not just about the fact that people experience rape and abuse, but that people we know and care about might be rapists and abusers.

Perhaps most secret and shameful of all is the fear that we, ourselves, are or have been abusive – the fear that we could be those villains, those monsters in the night.

Nobody wants to be “an abuser.” No one wants to admit that they have hurt someone, especially when so many of us have been hurt ourselves.

But the truth is that abusers and survivors of abuse do not exist, and have never existed, in a dichotomy: Sometimes, hurt people hurt people.  In this rape culture we live in, sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference between the hurt you are experiencing and the hurt you are causing someone else.

Seven years ago, when I first started training as support worker for survivors of intimate partner violence, I was sitting in a training workshop when someone asked what our organization’s policy was on taking requests for support from people who were abusing their partners and wanted help stopping.

The answer was brusque and immediate: “We don’t work with abusers. Period.”

Fair enough, I thought. After all, an organization created to support survivors of rape and abuse should center survivors, not the people who hurt them. The only problem was, I wondered, What happens when people are both survivors and abusers? And if we don’t work with abusers, who does?

Note: I am not, in this article, talking about whether or not a relationship can be “mutually abusive.” This is a conversation for another time. Rather, I am suggesting that people who are survivors in one relationship are capable of being abusive in previous or later relationships.

Seven years later, as a therapist who has worked with many individuals who are “recovering” or “former” abusers, I am still looking for the answers to those questions. The fact is that there are extremely few resources and organizations out there with the mandate, will, and/or knowledge to how to help people stop being abusive.

But doesn’t the feminist saying go, “We shouldn’t be teaching people how not to get raped, we should be teaching people not to rape?”

And if so, doesn’t it follow that we shouldn’t only support people who have survived abuse, we should also support people in learning how not to abuse?

When we are able to admit that the capacity to harm lies within ourselves – within us all – we become capable of radically transforming the conversation around abuse and rape culture. We can go from simply reacting to abuse and punishing “abusers” to preventing abuse and healing our communities.

Because the revolution starts at home, as they say. The revolution starts in your house, in your own relationships, in your bedroom. The revolution starts in your heart.

 

The following is a nine-step guide to confronting

the abuser in you, in me, in us all.

 

>>> 1. Listen to the Survivor

When one has been abusive, the very first – and one of the most difficult – skills of holding oneself accountable is learning to simply listen to the person or people whom one has harmed:

• Listening without becoming defensive.
• Listening without trying to equivocate or make excuses.
• Listening without minimizing or denying the extent of the harm.
• Listening without trying to make oneself the center of the story being told.

When someone, particularly a partner or loved one, tells you that you have hurt or abused them, it can be easy to understand this as an accusation or attack. Very often, this is our first assumption – that we are being attacked.

This is why so many perpetrators of abuse respond to survivors who confront them by saying something along the lines of, “I’m not abusing you. You are abusing me, right now, with this accusation!”

But this is the cycle of violence talking. This is the script that rape culture has built for us: a script in which there must be a hero and a villain, a right and a wrong, an accuser and an accused.

What if we understood being confronted about perpetuating abuse as an act of courage – even a gift – on the part of the survivor?

What if, instead of reacting immediately in our own defense, we instead took the time to listen, to really try to understand the harm we might have done to another person?

When we think of accountability in terms of listening and love instead of accusation and punishment, everything changes.

 

>>> 2. Take Responsibility For the Abuse

After listening, the next step in holding oneself accountable is taking responsibility for the abuse. This means, simply enough, agreeing that you and only you are the source of physical, emotional, or psychological violence directed toward another person.

A simple analogy for taking responsibility for abuse can be made to taking responsibility for stepping on someone else’s foot: There are many reasons why you might do such a thing – you were in a hurry, you weren’t looking where you were going, or maybe no one ever taught you that it was wrong to step on other people’s feet.

But you still did it. No one else – only you are responsible, and it is up to you to acknowledge and apologize for it.

The same holds true for abuse: No one, and I really mean no one – not your partner, not patriarchy, not mental illness, not society, not the Devil – is responsible for the violence that you do to another person.

A lot of factors can contribute to or influence one’s reasons for committing abuse (see the point below), but in the end, only I am responsible for my actions, as you are for yours.

 

>>> 3. Accept That Your Reasons Are Not Excuses

There is an awful, pervasive myth out there that people who abuse others do so simply because they are bad people – because they are sadistic, or because they enjoy other people’s pain.

This is, I think, part of the reason why so many people who have been abusive in the past or present resist the use of the terms “abuse” or “abuser” to describe their behavior. In fact, very, very, very few people who abuse are motivated to do so by sadism.

In my experience as a therapist and community support worker, when people are abusive, it’s usually because they have a reason based in desperation or suffering.

Some reasons for abusive behavior I have heard include:

• I am isolated and alone, and the only person who keeps me alive is my partner. This is why I can’t let my partner leave me.
• My partner hurts me all the time.  I was just hurting them back.
• I am sick, and if I don’t force people to take care of me, then I will be left to die.
• I am suffering, and the only way to relieve the pain is to hurt myself or others.
• I didn’t know that what I was doing was abuse. People always did the same to me. I was just following the script.
• No one will love me unless I make them.

All of these are powerful, real reasons for abuse – but they are also never excuses. There is no reason good enough to excuse abusive behavior.

Reasons help us understand abuse, but they do not excuse it.

Accepting this is essential to transforming culpability into accountability and turning justice into healing.

 

>>> 4. Don’t Play the ‘Survivor Olympics’

As I mentioned above, communities tend to operate on a survivor/abuser or victim/perpetrator dichotomy model of abuse. This is the belief that people who have survived abuse in one relationship can never be abusive in other relationships.

I find that social justice or leftist communities also tend to misapply social analysis to individual situations of abuse, suggesting that individuals who belong to oppressed or marginalized groups can never abuse individuals who belong to privileged groups (that is, that women can never abuse men, racialized people can never abuse white people, and so on).

But neither of the above ideas is true.  Survivors of abuse in one relationship can, in fact, be abusive in other relationships.

And it’s for privileged individuals to abuse others because of the extra power social privilege gives them, but anyone is capable of abusing anyone given the right (or rather, wrong) circumstances.

It can be easy, when confronted with the abuse we have perpetrated, to try and play “survivor Olympics.”

“I can’t be abusive,” we may want to argue, “I’m a survivor!” Or “The abuse I have survived is so much worse than what you’re accusing me of!” Or “Nothing I do is abusive to you, because you have more privilege than me.”

But survivors can be abusers, too.

Anyone can be abusive, and comparing or trivializing doesn’t absolve us of responsibility for it.

 

>>> 5. Take the Survivor’s Lead

When having a dialogue with someone who has abused, it’s essential to give the survivor the space to take the lead on expressing their needs and setting boundaries.

If you have abused someone, it’s not up to you to decide how the process of healing or accountability should work.

Instead, it might be a good idea to try asking the person who has confronted you questions like: What do you need right now? Is there anything I can do to make this feel better? How much contact would you like to have with me going forward? If we share a community, how should I navigate situations where we might end up in the same place? How does this conversation feel for you, right now?

At the same time, it’s important to understand that the needs of survivors of abuse can change over time, and that survivors may not always know right away – or ever – what their needs are.

Being accountable and responsible for abuse means being patient, flexible, and reflective about the process of having dialogue with the survivor.

 

>>> 6. Face the Fear of Accountability

Being accountable for abuse takes a lot of courage.

We live in a culture that demonizes and oversimplifies abuse, probably because we don’t want to accept the reality that abuse is actually commonplace and can be perpetrated by anybody.

A lot of people paint themselves into corners denying abuse, because, to be quite honest, it’s terrifying to face the consequences, real and imagined, of taking responsibility.

And there are real risks: People have lost friends, communities, jobs, and resources over abuse.  The risks are especially high for marginalized individuals – I am thinking particularly of Black and Brown folks here – who are likely to face harsh, discriminatory sentencing in legal processes.

There is nothing I can say to make this hard reality easier.

I can only suggest that when it comes to ending abuse, it’s easier to face our fear than live in it all of our lives. It’s more healing to tell the truth than to hide inside a lie.

When we hold ourselves accountable, we prove that the myth of the “monster” abuser is a lie.

 

>>> 7. Separate Guilt from Shame

Shame and social stigma are powerful emotional forces that can prevent us from holding ourselves accountable for being abusive: We don’t want to admit to “being that person,” so we don’t admit to having been abusive at all.

Some people might suggest that people who have been abusive ought to feel shame – after all, perpetrating abuse is wrong. I would argue, though, that this is where the difference between guilt and shame is key:

Guilt is feeling bad about something you’ve done. Shame is feeling bad about who you are.

People who have been abusive should feel guilty – guilty for the specific acts of abuse they are responsible for. They should not feel shame about who they are, because this means that abuse has become a part of their identity.

It means that they believe that they are fundamentally a bad person – in other words, “an abuser.”

But if you believe that you are an “abuser,” a bad person who hurts others, then you have already lost the struggle for change – because we cannot change who we are.

If you believe that you are a fundamentally good person who has done hurtful or abusive things, then you open the possibility for change.

 

>>> 8. Don’t Expect Anyone to Forgive You

Being accountable is not, fundamentally, about earning forgiveness.  That is to say, it doesn’t matter how accountable you are – nobody has to forgive you for being abusive, least of all the person you have abused.

In fact, using the process of “doing” accountability to try and manipulate or coerce someone into giving their forgiveness to you is an extension of the abuse dynamic. It centers the abuser, not the survivor.

One shouldn’t try aim for forgiveness when holding oneself accountable. Rather, self-accountability is about learning how we have harmed others, why we have harmed others, and how we can stop.

But…

 

>>> 9. Forgive Yourself

You do have to forgive yourself.  Because you can’t stop hurting other people until you stop hurting yourself.

When one is abusive, when one is hurting so much on the inside, that it feels like the only way to make it stop is to hurt other people, it can be terrifying to face the hard truth of words like abuse and accountability.  One might rather blame others, blame society, blame the people we love, instead of ourselves.

This is true, I think, of community as well as individuals. It is so much easier, so much simpler, to create hard lines between good and bad people, to create walls to shut the shadowy archetype of “the abuser” out instead of mirrors to look at the abuser within.

Perhaps this is why self-accountability tools like this list are so rare.

It takes courage to be accountable. To decide to heal.

But when we do decide, we discover incredible new possibilities: There is good in everyone. Anyone is capable of change. And you are braver than you know."

Kai Cheng Thom is a Contributing Writer for Everyday Feminism. She is a Chinese trans woman writer, poet, and performance artist based in Montreal. She also holds a Master’s degree in clinical social work, and is working toward creating accessible, politically conscious mental health care for marginalized youth in her community. You can find out more about her work on her website and at Monster Academy."

(Retrieved: https://transformharm.org/9-ways-to-be-accountable-when-youve-been-abusive/)"

  Please click on the link below to complete the attached Worksheet in order to complete this topic:  Accountability for What is Perceived as DV Worksheet

Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.

      Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.        

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(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic     and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

The Helpfulness and the History of the Duluth Model for Understanding Domestic Violence

 History of the Duluth Wheels for Understanding what Domestic Violence Looks Like.

  Understanding Power and Control Wheel 

  Understanding the Idea of Equality in Relationships.  (Please click here for a Blog Post on this Topic).

  Per Free Social Work Tools, "The Equality Wheel describes the qualities involved in healthy relationships. The Equality Wheel shows the changes needed for men who batter to move from being abusive to non-violent partnership (Source)."

  It is also important to try and view Domestic Violence from BOTH how men might view DV; and how Women might view DV.  Consider the following questions in order to try and find some differences (and similarities) between why men might commit DV and why women might commit DV.  For a moment here, let's try to try to understand and differentiate Motives and Outcomes of Men's Violence against Women; versus the Motives and Outcomes of Women's Violence against Men:

• What are some differences between Men's and Women's Motives for DV-type Thinking and Behaviors?  How are Men and Women Different or the Same in terms of having the following Motives:

1. One's Purpose of the DV-type Behavior
2. To achieve Domination
3. To achieve Submission
4. To create Injury
5. To realize one's Demands
6. To use one's Partner as a Tool
7. To clear the air and then exercise one's Power to Make-up afterward

• How are Men and Women Different or the Same in terms of having the following Outcomes of DV-type Thinking and Behaviors:

1. One's Purpose of the DV-type Behavior
2. To achieve Domination
3. To achieve Submission
4. To create Injury
5. To realize one's Demands
6. To use one's Partner as a Tool
7. To clear the air and then exercise one's Power to Make-up afterward

  Please CLICK HERE to View Videos about the Duluth Power & Control Wheels.

  And how does all of the above look different from a relationship with Equality?  Well The Equality Wheel looks like this...

  In fact, you can click here and see a list of the various other wheels about Domestic Violence that have been created using this same concept.

  So what do you think about the Duluth Model's Contribution to Preventing Domestic Violence?

*** Power and Control Wheel Worksheet ***

*** Equality Wheel Worksheet ***

*** Complete your Session Feedback Form! ***

   So what do you think about the Duluth Model's Contribution to Preventing Domestic Violence?

Getting Ahead Of Our Domestic Violence Behavior: Learning How To Think More Carefully Before We Wish We Had

Change is CONSTANT:  "On average, an adult sheds close to 12 million skin cells in a year, which adds up to more than 8 pounds (3.6 kilograms) of dead skin. By about age 70, we have shed approximately 105 pounds (35 kg) of skin" (From How Stuff Works.)

  The question is, is my Change gonna be a good Change or a bad Change -- or even a mixture of both?  

Consider this Philosophical Proposition:

  Try not to allow the Epistemology around a significant Ontology to be colored or covered up by your (or anyone else's) sense of Morality.  

  In other words: When trying to determine What Something Is; try not to allow your vision to get distorted by What you think that Something Should Be. 

  Once we determine precisely What Is; there will probably be plenty of time to eventually determine What Should Be.

  Unfortunately, we don't always see WHAT IS, because quite often, we are instead too busy looking at what we want, or thinking about what we think should be. 

  Yes, What Should be can be an important thing especially in Relationships.  And many of us strive to manifest it on a daily basis.  And we also spend time trying to prevent What Should Not Be.

  However What Is, already Is; regardless of what should be.  What is may change over time; however, What Is; still exists until it exists no longer. 

  In regards to Relationships, perhaps we might think that "Relationships should never change or end."  However, because CHANGE is Constant; Many Relationships do end, and they also tend to Change.  They just do.  What Is, is that we sometimes feel that our Relationships Should NEVER CHANGE or END; However, Relationships tend to end (or at least they tend to change) over time.  And we can't always stop that -- can we?

  Further, it is a MORAL IMPERITIVE that before one can claim that a Relationship SHOULD BE; they really must know for sure that EVERYONE directly Involved in this Relationship, also believes that this Relationship SHOULD BE.  

  In other words, the way to have a Healthy and /or a Good Relationship is for BOTH Partners to WANT THIS RELATIONSHIP to happen.

  Although when Relationships are in the midst of Changing or Ending; we sometimes try to keep them from doing so; we often have to accept that this is beyond our control.  Hence, at times, it seems kind of crazy to try and stop a Change in a Relationship -- especially if we truly love someone. 

   If Love is the willingness to allow someone to be exactly who or what or how they are right now, and then right now... and so on and so on...; then If I LOVE someone and they decide to make a change; then why would I try to stop them -- unless of course this change could put them in danger?

  In other words; Sometimes, what we think SHOULD BE; is not always WHAT IS.

  I also propose that a great deal of Domestic Violence type thinking, feeling and behavior happens when one or both Partners in a Relationship are either trying to STOP a CHANGE in the Relationship; or they are trying to CREATE a CHANGE in the Relationship.  There is data that supports the idea that a great deal of DV happens within months of a break-up -- either before or after the break-up.

Dealing with Change in Relationships:

  CHANGE is Constant in Relationships.  People are ALWAYS Changing on various levels, including: Physical, Social, Psychological, Spiritual, Financial, Intellectual, Educational, Vocational, Physiological etc...  

  To many people CHANGE is a good thing.  But to others, it's not.  However, CHANGE still Happens.

  Further, a great deal of PAIN around Relationships comes and/or goes away seemingly in direct relation to the Changes in a Relationship.  However, some Changes also bring JOY.

Valuing and Prevention

  In order to understand something; we must first have a good sense of the FACTS.  We need to know What It Is.  And then we can figure out What it Should Be.  It also helps to have an idea about whether or not this phenomenon is something of value. 

 Typically, we need to know what something is before we know its value.  Only after we establish precisely what it is, can we know its VALUE; such as whether or not it is A GOOD THING OR A BAD THING.  If it is a GOOD Thing for all concerned; perhaps it is very valuable and it SHOULD BE.  But if it is NOT a GOOD Thing for all concerned; perhaps it is not very valuable, and it SHOULD NOT BE.  

  Speaking of Value, a wise person once said something to the effect of: "An ounce of Prevention is worth a pound of cure."  Hence, Prevention is worth more than Cure.  It's often smarter to prevent a mess; than it is to have to clean it up afterwards.  Hence, where should we put our efforts?

  Knowledge about something before it happens often gives us the power to more effectively prevent it; or shape it.  That is, if we have that much power.  After all, we cannot control that which we cannot control.  But working early to prevent something is a way to gain much-needed strength.  Prevention requires thinking.  Prevention can be as simple as taking a moment to examine the facts and think before we act.  

Thinking Before We Act:

  Just think; What might have happened in my DV Case, had I been ABLE AND WILLING to think more carefully and to consider BOTH What I WANTED TO HAPPEN and THE FACTS at some point before I did what I did?

  Many believe they were NOT Thinking prior to, or during their DV Offense.  However, the Human Brain regulates and monitors sensations and behaviors 24/7.  This requires either active thinking or passive cognitive processes.  We tend to do some form of Thinking almost 24 hours per day, every day.   Hence, it is almost certain that we were Thinking Before, During and After our DV Offense -- even if we were intoxicated or just highly emotional -- we were thinking at some time before that offense.  But, the catch is that we are not always aware that we are Thinking.  But still we are Thinking.  The better question would be; Were we thinking rationally at that time?  

  One problem is that we often forget to use our Logic when it comes to our Relationships.  We tend to go with our Feelings in Relationships instead.  And sometimes, that doesn't work out too good. 

  For example; if I was drinking or drugging while in this Relationship -- Prior to my DV offense -- a rational question could be: Did I consider the FACTS about the possible negative outcomes of drinking or drugging on the possibility that I could some day be arrested for DV?  Probably not.  Yet a great deal of DV happens to involve Alcohol.  Hence, was it logical to be drinking or drugging while in this Relationship?    

  And the same goes for high emotion or high distraction.  If we are highly emotional or highly distracted, it is quite possible that we are going to make a poor choice, Right?  

  Or if I feel that much of the blame for my DV Offense lies in the hands of my Victim; Prior to my DV offense, did I consider the FACTS and probable outcomes of getting involved with a person like this on the possibility that I could some day be arrested for DV?  Is it Logical to get involved with a person who is dangerous for me?

  Perhaps we need to develop some techniques that will help us do a better job of thinking when it comes to Relationships.

Possible Steps for Thinking it Through -- Just Ideas.. not a Recipe:

  Consider these ten ideas -- Particularly in regard to your Relationships -- especially before they start and during challenging times and during endings. 

  The point is to learn to be more careful with our relationships through more sound decision-making.  None of us are necessarily going to follow all of the steps below.  But if we at least try to consider some of them, we might have some good results:

1. Stop -- Slow down - Take your time -- Think before you do it!  (As much as possible).

2. Be Clear with yourself about What YOU really Want -- What you want is what you think SHOULD BE.  Or at least think about what you DON'T want in a partner.  And you get bonus points if you can do this before you get too involved. 

3. Pay Attention to the FACTS as you go -- Get REAL CLEAR about WHAT IS.  Be honest with yourself about what you are seeing in front of you right now.

4. Think about whether or not there is a Possibility that you could influence a Change in this Situation (i.e., if you ask her out, will she go with you?).  (Remember, a change could be as small as calling your sweetheart, "Babe", instead "Honey" for a few months; or a Change could be as large as Starting or Ending a Relationship).

5. Before you make this Change, consider the possible OUTCOMES (Negative and Positive).  (Learn how to do a Cost-Benefit Analysis.  And be sure to consider your potential costs first).

6. Make a Decision To Act; or To NOT Act.  (Remember, it is often good to NOT Act unless you must).

7. If you still want to make this Change, then Make a PLAN for Action first.  (You can do this in your head even -- Roadmap the situation.  Get your Mission on.)

8. When you are ready, engage in your Action; making necessary Adjustments or additional Changes as needed;  (Hint;  Look back at Number 1... and consider the probability that most people might start here at Number 8, instead of at Number 1.  How might that influence the Outcome?)

9. Critically (Honestly) Assess your New Situation, and your Results -- Both Bad and Good (Think about it: Who Benefited from my actions?  Who Lost?  Was it a Good Thing for me?  Was it Worth It for Everyone Else?).

10. Either Continue moving forward, or wait for a while, or move backwards, or Stop the Action altogether.  (Sounds a lot easier than it is; right?)

 

 Moving Forward in a Smarter Way:  Complimenting the above steps... 

(EXTRA QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF):

  When presented with the opportunity to either pursue, begin, continue, modify, alter, change, or end a Relationship; carefully consider the potential costs and benefits before you act.  (Hint: Consider the possible COSTS first -- and repeat...).  

  Ask yourself the following Questions:

  1. What change am I presently thinking that I would like to make?  (And don't forget about the other changes that could probably happen; after I make this change?  (Can you say domino effect?) 

  2. Am I ready for the DOMINO effect changes as well?  Is my potential partner ready and willing for this change to happen? And How might these changes effect me and everyone else?)

  3. Why do I want to make a change regarding this situation?  Does this Need to happen or is it just something I want?  Furthermore, does it really need to happen right now?  Am I in Lust or am I in Love?

  4. How might this Change Impact Others?  How might this Change Impact me if it impacts others?  Is it worth the possible costs or the possible benefits?  

  4. Is this change truly within my grasp to where I could actually make my part of it happen?  (Consider that which you can control; versus that which you cannot control.  And remember, if you have to force something too much; you might just break it).

  5. If I start to try and make a change, what things could possibly happen then?  

 A. What negative things could possibly happen -- what are the Risk Factors?  

 B. What Positive things could possibly happen as a result of this change?  Is it            worth it? 

          1. If these things happen, who could be directly impacted either Negatively                        or Positively.

          2. Overall, who could be harmed by the possible impacts of this change?

          3. Overall, who could be helped by the possible impacts of this change?

 

Also Remember: If you feel a need to, you may ask these questions in an order different from the way they are presented above; or you may add questions or discard questions to ask yourself.  However, it is typically best to be as thorough as possible -- no matter what your method -- in order to avoid problematic or even dangerous outcomes.

A Curative Suggestion: Becoming a Life-long Learner can probably help

  Pay Attention.  Learn the differences between wishes and facts.  And Learn how to Question your own perceptions, thinking, feelings, plans, actions and evaluations -- hopefully, before it's too late.  

  Instead of trying to focus on the other person's mind and what they are thinking right now; make sure your own mind is clear about what you are thinking right now.

  Always be willing to ask yourself: What do I really know about this person who is sitting right here in front of me?

  And always be willing to learn something new -- especially when it's about someone or something that you think you already know.

* Please Click HERE to Complete Your Moving Forward Smarter Worksheet. *

*** And always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session (Below). 

 
 Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

Music: "What is and What Should Never Be" by Led Zepplin

            "Call it Stormy Monday" by BB King

            "When the Rain Comes" By The Beatles

            "Sweet Melissa" By The Allman Brothers

            "Cruel to be Kind" By Nick Lowe

   Thank you.  And have a nice day.

Making Payments and Settling Balances for DV Treatment: EVERYONE Who is in DV Treatment Must Read This and Complete the Form at the Bottom

 IMPORTANT: Don't Get Discharged as Unsuccessful due to having a Past-Due Balance:

(Originally Posted 6/1/2021.)

Making Payments for DV Treatment:

  Hello there -- Please READ this entire Text or Email.  (If this TEXT is too long for your Cell Phone Text App, then TEXT me your Email Address at 719-671-7793 so I can email it to you).

Please Note: The Colorado Domestic Violence Offender Management Board's Standards and Guidelines for Domestic Violence Offenders states the following:

 

In Section 5.04, 2, B, Item 9, says: "The offender paying for his/her own evaluation and treatment is an indicator of responsibility and shall be incorporated in the treatment plan..."

  This means that if a DV Client does not have a Voucher from Probation for every session; she or he must pay Dr. Beverly for her or his own Treatment.  

  This also means that Dr. Beverly, cannot and will not successfully discharge any DV Clients who has an outstanding Balance.

  As you probably know: 

   The DV Admin Intake Fee is a one-time $25 fee, 

   The DV Post-Sentence DV Evaluation is one-time $75 fee, 

   The DV Text/Blog Fee is a one-time $25 fee, 

   The Group Sessions are $35 per Session & Individual DV Sessions are $65 each.  

   The prices have been this way since June 1st, 2021.   

  In other words: If you are attending Dr. Beverly's DV Treatment Sessions in-person or via conference call, you should expect to pay for your sessions each time you attend.  Or you may pay in advance.  

  Everyone who has any Balance in Dr. B's DV Treatment really must clear that up as soon as it is possible (No Exceptions).  Chances are that if you have not been paying every week, you have a Balance.

  (WAIT!!!  DO NOT Just CALL OR TEXT Dr. B. for your Balance or with other questions yet.  Let's see what you can figure out for yourself.  Please Follow the steps below.  You can do this...!) 

 Also, please keep this Blog Entry or Text Message.  And be sure to READ all points below before getting distracted.

  Everyone who attends DV should be paying weekly or every two weeks if possible.  Please READ everything here and then follow the link below to make payments.  On your payments, please be sure to enter your name so that you will get credit.

  In case you heard something different, during COVID-19 because of the COVID Restrictions and due to our Using Distance-Learning Tools for some Sessions, we had a serious problem of people NOT paying their fees every week.  Whereas, if you were here prior to COVID-19, you know that we typically do not even allow someone into a Treatment Session until AFTER they pay for it.  This is all explained in the Treatment Contract that was signed when you started Treatment.

  Some people have balances due.  This is because they have not been paying every week. 

  DO NOT WAIT for me to give you a Total Balance or an Invoice.  While I do balance everyone's account at the time of Discharge because we cannot discharge anyone who has a balance; I normally do not give out Balances or Invoices, as it is a waste of time.  If you have a balance, please start paying on that as soon as possible.

  The way to figure out if you have a balance is to do the following:

1. Sometimes, Probation Officers will award Vouchers to Clients.  One thing for certain is that Probation Officer are probably more likely to award Vouchers to clients who are attending every session and to clients who are making progress in Treatment.  If you are not sure whether or not you have a Voucher, contact your Probation or Diversion Officer.  The only way to figure this out is to speak with your Probation or Diversion Officer.  Also remember that when they issue Vouchers, these Vouchers must be used within a certain time-frame; otherwise they expire and are useless.  Do not ask me if you have a Voucher.  Ask your Probation Officer.  If you have a Voucher that did in-fact cover a given Session, then you won't have to pay for that session.

2. Then, if you were Evaluated your Intake Fee was $25, Your Blog Fee was $25, and your Evaluation Fee of $75.  

3. Add up your total number of sessions attended.  Multiply your total number of sessions by $35 each.  If you started after June 1st., text me at 719-671-7793 for that session fee amount.  (If you need to know how many sessions you have attended, I can usually give you a ballpark figure.  If you need this, please TEXT me for this at 719-671-7793.  Do not call unless it is a REAL Emergency or a Crisis.

4. Add your Evaluation, Intake and your Session Fees for a Subtotal.

5. Subtract each valid used Voucher that you had from your Subtotal.

6. Then Subtract any payments you made from that (After Vouchers) Subtotal.

7. This is your current Balance for DV Treatment.

8. If you have a Balance due, then you will see that total at this point after doing your math.

9. EVERY TIME that you attend a Treatment session, you should add $35 (or your appropriate session fee) to your total running balance and you should keep track of that. 

10. EVERY WEEK, (if possible) you must pay something.

11. Failure to pay something each week -- or -- failure to pay anything on your Balance after a week; can lead to Involuntary Unsuccessful Discharge from DV Treatment.  In order to avoid this, pay something every week, and keep track of your Sessions, your payments, payment dates, and payment amounts.

12. You should not have to ask about your Balance or for an Invoice until it is time to be Discharged.  And theoretically, by that time, you should NOT have a Balance because you have been paying every week.

13. Typically, all payments are made using cash if in-person, or using a Credit or Debit Card.  If you do not have one, you should be able to go to Walmart and get a prepaid care with which to do this.  If that is not possible, please mail your regular payments to me at P.O. Box 871, Walsenburg, CO 81089. Or bring them to an In-Person Treatment Session.

14. So if you have a Balance -- and you know who you are -- Please start making payments TODAY using the link below.  Do not worry about paying more that what you owe.  That hardly ever happens.  And if that happens, I will definitely settle up with you as soon I am made aware of the over-payment.

  ***PLEASE SEE THE INSTRUCTIONS BELOW ON HOW TO MAKE PAYMENTS*** 

   https://drbsdvpreventionandeducation.blogspot.com/

 (If when you hit the link (above), you do not see the Paypal / Debit / Credit Buttons in the upper - right-hand corner; then do this:

   A. Scroll to the bottom of your cell phone screen. 

   B. Tap where it says, "View Web Version". 

   C. You will see the Paypal / Debit / Credit Card Buttons in the Top-Right Corner of your screen. 

   D. Use your fingers to navigate to make your payments.  And MAKE your payment.)

15. If you have any questions about this, please TEXT me at 719-671-7793. (Do not call unless it is a REAL Emergency or a Crisis.)

16. Finally, if you have a Balance-related, Voucher-related, Payment-related or Fee-related question that really must be answered by Dr. B; please DO NOT ask Dr. B about this during Group.  This is a private matter and Group Time is precious.  Instead, send a Text to Dr. B at 719-671-7793.

17. From here on our, I will assume that you understand that if you have a Balance for Dr. B's DV Treatment and if you are not paying something on this Balance every week or at least every other week; you may be Discharged from DV Treatment as Unsuccessful.

18.  If you have a serious Income issue and you wish to be considered for a reduction in your fees, please send Dr. B a TEXT and he will set you up with the forms that you will need to fill out and the forms you will need to provide in order to prove that you are unable to pay these fees.  Meanwhile, continue to pay what you can.

    

*** Please Click Here to Complete your 

     Making Payments & Balances Agreement. ***

Thank you.  And have a nice day.  Dr. B

(Updated, 12/8/2024, Originally published 9/13/2021)