A MultiAxial Model of Domestic Violence Risks and Prevention -- Using DBT Skills and Emotion Regulation

PLEASE NOTE:  THIS IS  DRAFT POST.  Please do not Copy, Print, Publish or Distribute 

Regulation -- NOT as in Laws or Rules... But as in Regulation of Energy... Between two people.

  "Emotional regulation refers to the processes individuals use to manage and respond to their emotional experiences in appropriate and adaptive ways. It involves strategies to amplify, maintain, or decrease one’s emotional responses, allowing for healthier expression and management of emotions. This can include both conscious and unconscious techniques, and it plays a crucial role in coping with stress and maintaining emotional balance."  (Source.)  

  And naturally, our Behavior and our Thinking and our Behavior are tied to our Emotions.  

-- Dysregulation -- When someone is at a point no longer compensating for their typical, normal regulation of their thinking, perception, emotions and behavior.

-- Regulation is when we can handle various types of situations without freaking out.

-- Freaking often happens when someone is Dysregulated.

-- A Trigger can make someone Freak Out and Dysregulated.  

What can one do in such a case where their partner Dysregulates or when they Dysregulate?  (These are two completely different types of situations).  

Emotional Dysregulation: "behavior when emotionally disregulated:

Individuals experiencing emotional dysregulation may exhibit a range of behaviors that are out of proportion to the situation. These behaviors can include:

Becoming easily frustrated by small inconveniences or annoyances.

Mood swings that can be sudden and intense.

Impulsive behavior, such as acting without thinking about the consequences.

Difficulty with emotions interfering with goal pursuit and achieving desired outcomes.

Prone to losing temper, with persistent irritability or anger between outbursts. 

These behaviors can disrupt daily functioning, relationships, and overall well-being. It is important to recognize these signs and seek support to manage emotional dysregulation effectively.   (Source.)

clevelandclinic.org

YET, the goal is Emotional Regulation which is: 

"Emotional regulation refers to the processes individuals use to manage and respond to their emotional experiences in appropriate and adaptive ways. It involves strategies to amplify, maintain, or decrease one’s emotional responses, allowing for healthier expression and management of emotions. This can include both conscious and unconscious techniques, and it plays a crucial role in coping with stress and maintaining emotional balance." (Source.)

As stated before: -- Regulation is when we can handle various types of situations without freaking out.  Such as an argument, a break-up, an incredible surprise like a nice piece of jewelry as a gift or a proposal.

1. If one gets Dysregulated themselves, this is probably not helpful.

2. If I try to Control the situation, this also could be not helpful.

Meanwhile, your partner is getting more dysregulated.

4 Terms:

Regulation -- 

Co-Regulation  -- This is the normal state for a Healthy Couple -- When the couple can handle conflict and wonderful moments without a crisis.

Co-Escalation  -- When it's probably gonna eventually end up in a crisis.  

Co-Dysregulation  --  When both parties become Dysregulated and things just get way out of control, and quite possibly end up in Co-Escalation.

Co-Llaboration -- (Collaboration) -- What is a Cooperative Process, or Sharing Ideas, Thoughts, Solutions, Energy, Losses and Responsbility.  

  Hopefully Collaboration can lead back to Co-Regulation.  

  It's kind of like the Flower with the Pollen and the Bee -- A Collaborative Process:

"the bee takes the pollen from flower to flower

"Bees are essential for the pollination process, which is vital for plant reproduction. They collect pollen from flowers by landing on them and brushing against the anthers, which are the male reproductive parts. This contact causes the pollen grains to adhere to the bee's body, allowing them to transfer pollen from flower to flower. The bees then fly back to their colonies, where they regurgitate the nectar and pollen, creating honey. This honey is stored and used by the bees for their own sustenance and to feed their young. The process of pollination is crucial for the survival of many plant species and the continuation of biodiversity."

If I am emotionally Dysregulated -- Then what happens to my thinking?  

"What is Emotional Dysregulation?

Emotional dysregulation refers to difficulty managing emotions effectively. This can manifest as: 

Intense emotional reactions: Experiencing emotions very strongly, either positive or negative.

Difficulty recovering from emotional distress: Getting stuck in a negative mood or taking a long time to return to baseline.

Impulsive or risky behaviors: Reacting to emotions without thinking, leading to negative consequences.

Difficulty identifying and labeling emotions: Struggling to understand what emotions are being felt."  (Source.)

And what happens to my behavior?  

DBT And Emotional Regulation:

"How DBT Helps with Emotional Dysregulation 

DBT is designed to help individuals develop skills to manage emotions, cope with distress, and improve interpersonal relationships. It focuses on: 

Mindfulness: Paying attention to the present moment without judgment.

Distress Tolerance: Learning to cope with difficult situations without making them worse.

Emotion Regulation: Identifying, understanding, and managing emotions effectively.

Interpersonal Effectiveness: Improving communication and relationship skills."  (Source.)

Video on Emotional Dysregulation and DBT 1

Video on Emotional Regulation and DBT -- Check the Facts 

Video on Emotional Dysregulation and DBT 2

Video on Emotional Dysregulation and DBT 3 -- Check the Facts

ANOTHER TAKE ON DBT:    "Emotions are helpful and important. They communicate information to us about our environment and our experience. Goals of Emotional Regulation include: naming and understanding our own emotions, decrease the frequency of unpleasant emotions, decrease our vulnerability to emotions, and decrease emotional suffering." (Per Bruce Lipton)

More from Bruce Lipton: "There are about six primary or basic emotions that most of us are born with. We are born with the potential or the biological readiness to experience the emotions. These basic emotions include: fear, sorrow, joy, interest (curiosity), guilt/shame, and disgust. Emotions are signals that help us develop healthy relationships with others."

"Emotions are natural and normal. They are biologically wired. We need them in order to survive. They motivate and organize us for action. They communicate our needs to ourselves and to others. They help us understand our environment and the people with whom we have contact."

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Financial Responsibility, Financial Abuse, Economic Abuse and Domestic Violence

Why are we Talking About Financial Responsibility, Financial Abuse, Economic Abuse and Domestic Violence Right Here and Now?  

  Well, it's complicated.  Perhaps the first question to be answered here could be: What does the Domestic Violence Offender Management Board (D.V.O.M.B.) say about Financial Abuse and Economic Abuse?  The D.V.O.M.B. requires that this type of Abuse be included in the Treatment of people who have committed Domestic Violence Offenses.  This is probably because some Research has reported that among couples where Domestic Violence has occurred; about 98% have also included Economic Abuse.

  Additionally, the D.V.O.M.B. also has something to say about people with DV Offenses paying for their own Treatment:

• "The Colorado Domestic Violence Offender Management Board's Standards and
  Guidelines for Domestic Violence  Offenders states the following:
• "Section 5.04, 2, B, Item 9, says: "The offender paying for his/her own evaluation and treatment is an indicator of responsibility and shall be incorporated in the treatment plan..."

  This means that in keeping with the D.V.O.M.B. Standards, if a DV Client does not have a Voucher from Probation; she or he must pay their Domestic Violence Treatment Provider for the services provided.  This also means that a DV Treatment Provider cannot and will not successfully discharge any DV Client who has an outstanding Balance.

  Hence, this week's session is about respecting Financial and Economic boundaries in all kinds of relationships from personal Intimate Relationships, to friendships to professional relationships and yes even in treatment relationships.

 

Why is Financial Responsibility important in Domestic Violence Offender Treatment? 

  Clearly, The Domestic Violence Offender Management Board of Colorado feels that Paying for Treatment is somehow germane to, or related to positive Treatment Outcomes.  If nothing else, paying for Treatment indicates that a client has a really good attitude about their treatment. It also indicates that a client values what he or she is learning in treatment.  Finally, paying for Treatment is a good indication of positive change.

  This is also important because Domestic Violence offenses are largely about people not respecting their partner and or not respecting themselves. And in many cases both of the partners are not respecting each other or themselves either.  Without Respect, Relationships typically break apart.  Relationships need a lot of Respect in order to Survive and Thrive.

What do Boundaries Have to do with Domestic Violence; Much Less Economic or Financial Abuse?

  One of the most important parts of learning how to have more respect in relationships is that of recognizing all the different ways that boundaries were being disrespected during a relationship. And then also recognizing ways one can start respecting boundaries in a relationship.

  What are some of the boundary types that are sometimes disrespected -- either openly or even covertly -- in abusive relationships? 

• Social / Reputational Boundaries,
• Emotional Boundaries,
• Intellectual Boundaries,
• Spiritual Boundaries,
• Privacy Boundaries, 
• Sexual Boundaries,
• Familial Boundaries,
• Procreational Boundaries,
• Friendship Boundaries,
• Educational Boundaries,
• Vocational Boundaries,
• Digital Boundaries, and  
• Financial or Economic Boundaries.

   Today, we are discussing Financial and Economic Boundaries.

What Does It Mean To Be Financially Responsible?

  Being financially responsible means you have a process for managing your money that is productive and in your best interest overall. A cornerstone of financial responsibility is saving to protect yourself and the things you have. Here’s a look at a few other behaviors of a financially responsible person:

• Understands their costs and income, budgeting to ensure all their expenses are covered
• Saves money for the unexpected costs that will pop up sooner or later along with future items and experiences
• Has a healthy attitude toward money, taking a long-term view and living within their means
• Pay bills on time
• Manages credit responsibly and looks for ways to cut costs
• Shops around when making any financial decision to ensure they are getting the most value on expenses
• Pursues proactive financial education, both understanding basic financial concepts and financial products
• Has a written strategy, often created by working with a financial professional"(Source.)

 

What is domestic violence? / What is domestic abuse?

  “We define domestic abuse as an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence, in the majority of cases by a partner or ex-partner, but also by a family member or carer. It is very common. In the vast majority of cases it is experienced by women and is perpetrated by men.

Domestic abuse can include, but is not limited to, the following:

• Coercive control (a pattern of intimidation, degradation, isolation and control with the use or threat of physical or sexual violence)
• Psychological and/or emotional abuse [2]
• Physical or sexual abuse
• Financial or economic abuse
• Harassment and stalking
• Online or digital abuse" (Source.)

• Others might include: 
• Property Abuse
• Child Abuse
• Pet or Animal Abuse 
• Emotional Abuse

 

How are Finances and Domestic Violence Sometimes Connected?

  "When domestic violence becomes a national conversation, it’s often only after the curtain is pulled back on an otherwise respected, high-profile celebrity. The ensuing uproar makes headlines for a few days, maybe weeks, and then fades back into news-cycle obscurity. But for the millions of victims of domestic abuse—more than one in four women in the U.S., according to the Department of Justice—these headlines ignore a less-visible, longer-lasting damage wrought by their abusers: financial abuse.

  By blocking or controlling access to financial assets, abusers can coerce their victims into staying with them or coming back if they try to leave, locking them into a cycle of abuse. In fact, “lacking financial knowledge or resources is the number one indicator of whether a domestic violence victim will stay, leave, or return to an abusive relationship,” according to the Allstate Foundation’s Purple Purse, a fundraising and public awareness campaign.”

  “Financial abuse, whether you’re talking about ruining her credit, getting her fired or hiding the money, is just as effective in controlling an abuse victim as a lock and key,” Kim Gandy, president of the National Network to End Domestic Violence, told The Huffington Post.

  Financial abuse is insidious: It can first appear as a considerate offer to take care of the bills, or a casual request to borrow money. But it escalates until the abuser has full control of every bank account, credit card, and paycheck, which means that even if victims escape, they could have no way to rent a new apartment, find a job, or care for their children.

  Unfortunately, it seems that while the majority of abusers have discovered that truth, the rest of society has yet to catch up. A 2014 survey commissioned by the Allstate Foundation found that while 98 percent of domestic-violence victims also experienced financial abuse, 78 percent of Americans had not heard about financial abuse as it relates to domestic violence."  (Source.)

 

What is Financial Abuse?

  "Research indicates that financial abuse occurs in 99% of domestic violence cases. Surveys of survivors reflect that concerns over their ability to provide financially for themselves and their children was one of the top reasons for staying in or returning to an abusive partner."  (Source.)

  "Financial abuse is an aspect of ‘coercive control’ – a pattern of controlling, threatening and degrading behaviour that restricts a victims’ freedom.

  It’s important to understand that financial abuse seldom happens in isolation: in most cases perpetrators use other abusive behaviours to threaten and reinforce the financial abuse.

  Financial abuse involves a perpetrator using or misusing money which limits and controls their partner’s current and future actions and their freedom of choice. It can include using credit cards without permission, putting contractual obligations in their partner’s name, and gambling with family assets. [1]

  Financial abuse can leave women with no money for basic essentials such as food and clothing. It can leave them without access to their own bank accounts, with no access to any independent income and with debts that have been built up by abusive partners set against their names. Even when a survivor has left the home, financial control can still be exerted by the abuser with regard to child maintenance.

  Sadly the vast majority of survivors experience financial abuse at some point."(Source.)

 

Financial abuse might come in different forms including:

  "These are some common forms of financial abuse—and resources to help protect or recover from it.

• The Abuser “Takes Care” of the Finances. ...
• Employment Sabotage. ...
• Economic Exploitation.  (Source.)

 

What is economic abuse?

  "Economic abuse is a situation in which someone harms another person in a close relationship using money or property, for example by controlling how they are able to get or spend money, or preventing them being able to buy things that they need:

With economic abuse, money becomes a way to control the victim.

Economic abuse can also include restricting access to essential resources such as food, clothing, or transport."  (Source.)

 

How might economic abuse impact the victim of domestic violence?

•   Would the victim of domestic violence have their own car?
•   If a person doesn't have their own car are they able to get away from an abuser?
•   What a victim of domestic violence have their own lease or their own property?
•   If a person doesn't have their own property,
•   How would they get away from an abuser?
•   What happens to the children when a victim of domestic violence is trying to take care of the children but it has zero Financial Resources?

 

Ways One Might Overcome Financial Abuse or Economic Abuse in a Relationship: What is shared responsibility?

  From "Stop Playing the Blame Game and Take Responsibility in Your Relationship, by Katie Christy, Wtiters' Corps" we find some wise words about Why Taking Responsibility is Important? 

  "Taking ownership and responsibility for your actions is an important part of healthy relationships. Doing so is an empowering reminder that you have control over the role you play in your relationship. Taking responsibility creates trust and dependability.  When you take responsibility for your behaviors, you demonstrate to your partner your willingness to be honest and vulnerable, which in turns encourages your partner to be open and authentic with you."

  "For you, taking responsibility looks like practicing self-awareness. Another way is being able to apologize and accept that what you do affects your partner. For your partner, taking responsibility looks like having open communication with you about their feelings and being willing to admit they can grow from the hard parts of the relationship. Your partner learns to take responsibility when they own their behaviors and hold themselves accountable to their actions."  (Source.)

 

Economic partnership, Shared Responsibility and Negotiation and fairness. 

  The Equality Wheel from Duluth suggests that healthier relationships often have properties such as partners who practice:

• Shared Responsibility
• Economic Partnership
• Negotiation and Fairness
• Responsible Parenting
• Respect
• Accountability and Trust
• Equality

Some Ideas on Improving Your Partnership-Ability in your Relationship:

  "Certain behaviors make a difference in relationship happiness. These maintenance behaviors often come naturally, but intentional efforts to engage in them could benefit relationships. Research (Stafford, 2010) underscores the power of these seven behaviors in particular in predicting relationship satisfaction, liking, love, and commitment:

• Positivity. Express happiness and pleasure when spending time together.
• Understanding. Listen, forgive, apologize, and refrain from judgment.
• Giving assurance. Talk about the future; remind your partner what he/she means to you.
• Self-disclosing. Share feelings and encourage your partner to do the same.
• Openness. Share what you need or want in the relationship.
• Sharing tasks. Equitably share responsibilities (e.g., family, household, relationship).
• Involve networks. Spend time with your partner’s friends and family."(Source.)

So What Was That About the Domestic Violence Offender Management Board of Colorado and Paying for Treatment?

  Seriously consider the following Questions and you should be able to come up with some answers:

• Why does the domestic violence offender management Board of Colorado require that clients and domestic violence offender treatment be responsible for paying for their own treatment?
• What are some of the reasons why a client in domestic violence treatment wouldn't want to pay for their treatment?
• If a client in domestic violence offender treatment does not pay for his or her own treatment, what does that say about that person's emotional investment and putting domestic violence type Thinking,  Feeling Behavior behind him or her?

*** PLEASE CLICK HERE TO COMPLETE the Mandatory

Financial / Economic Abuse and Financial Responsibility Worksheet. ***

 $$$ Read More Here about how this could directly impact you $$$

 PLEASE CLICK HERE TO COMPLETE YOUR PAY-AS-YOU-GO Policy and Your Mandatory FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY in DV Treatment WORKSHEET

  If you have any questions about how to pay for DV Sessions, please Text Dr. B. at            719-671-7793 or email him at nepeht@gmail.com.  Thank you.

 

 >>> Always Keep In Mind: It's a whole lot easier on everyone if you just pay as you go.<<<

 

Sources:

https://www.usafrancefinancials.com/resource-center/money/money-matters-why-it-pays-to-be-financially-responsible

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

https://www.theatlantic.com/sponsored/allstate/how-money-traps-victims-of-domestic-violence/750/

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/#:~:text=Research%20indicates%20that%20financial%20abuse,returning%20to%20an%20abusive%20partner.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

https://www.forbes.com/2010/09/02/women-money-domestic-violence-forbes-woman-net-worth-personal-finance.html?sh=6fbf0c0e1047

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/abuse

https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/stop-playing-the-blame-game-take-responsibility-in-your-relationship/#:~:text=Stop%20Playing%20the%20Blame%20Game%3A%20Take%20Responsibility%20in%20Your%20Relationship&text=Taking%20responsibility%20in%20your%20relationship%20is%20the%20acknowledgment%20and%20ownership,word%20you%20say%20and%20do.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201501/7-simple-ways-you-can-become-better-partner

https://drbsdvpreventionandeducation.blogspot.com/2022/01/very-important-notice-about-paying-for.html?m=1

https://drbsdvpreventionandeducation.blogspot.com/2022/01/very-important-notice-about-paying-for.html?m=1

DENIAL: What Does My Denial Look Like?

*** DRAFT POSTING *** PLEASE DO NOT COPY OR DISTRIBUTE  *** THANKYOU ***

 The DVOMB Core Competencies states that every person with a DV Offense MUST do the Following:

"E. We have to Accept full responsibility for our actions

 1. Disclose our History of abuse

 2. Put a Stop to our denial and minimization

 3. Increase our self-disclosure over time

 4. Accept our responsibility for the impact of the abuse on others

 5. Recognize that our abusive behavior is unacceptable"

REQUIREMENTS?

  >>> Give A Genuine Response versus a Pretend Response

  >>> Denial can be a majorly simple concept.  However, the sticky webs of Denial that our minds construct can be quite complicated.  So in order to simplify it, Today, we are discussing these particular questions: 

What is Denial: 

Denial might be a state in which we sometimes get stuck.  Sometimes we get stuck because we don't know any better.  Other times we get stuck because we don't want to change.

  AI Suggests that “In psychology, denial is a defense mechanism that causes a person to refuse to acknowledge or recognize objective facts or experiences.  It's an unconscious process that can help people cope with difficult situations that might otherwise make them feel afraid, ashamed, depressed, or worried.” (SOURCE.)

  Psychology Today and Very Well Mind suggest that: “Denial is a type of defense mechanism that involves ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety. 

  Defense mechanisms are strategies that people use to cope with distressing feelings. In the case of denial, it can involve not acknowledging reality or denying the consequences of that reality” (SOURCE).

  Oxford Reference suggests that Denial is: “a psychological process in which an individual refuses to accept an aspect of reality despite robust evidence of this. It is seen particularly in dying patients who refuse to accept their impending death and in those who have problems with alcohol or drug dependency.” (SOURCE.)

  In Social Work, “Denial is a type of defense mechanism that involves ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety. 

  In the case of denial, it can involve not acknowledging reality or denying the consequences of that reality.”

  Denial often protects us from the bitter realities of our life. 

 Harvard Health Publishing suggests that Denial involves the following:

  “What is denial?  In psychological terms, denial is a defense mechanism, a skillful tool the mind can employ when things get tough. "I see it as a protective barrier we have that we might or might not be aware of," Scholl says. "It keeps us safe. It also keeps us from looking at ourselves or addressing something around us and making a change."

  In other words, you can be in denial about something that you're not ready to admit or take on; or you can be in denial about something that challenges deeply held beliefs.

  A Lot Of Times, Our Things We Should Probably Be Aware of or Remember Accurately Either get Repressed or Suppressed and so we don't recall them for a long time. But other times, we triggered by some sort of reminder.  And next thing we know, our Trauma comes to the front.   

Common triggers that can make one recall something that they one has held in denial can involve

• abuse (mental, emotional, physical, verbal, sexual, financial, or other types of abuse)
• alcohol in excess or other substance use, or substance use disorder
• lifestyle or family issues
• medical diagnoses
• mental health issues
• politics
• smoking
• unhealthy weight gain.

How does denial help us?

  Denial can shield us from difficult emotions. Scholl says that might be helpful in the short term, and provide relief to people who don't have the bandwidth or ability to face a problem.

  For example, maybe someone is unhappy in a relationship, but the thought of being alone is worse than the thought of being together -- (Even when they are abusive). Or perhaps someone is burned out or overwhelmed, and lacks the energy or emotional capacity for accepting what's happening. "Part of the person feels it's easier not to think about the situation, and lets it go because it feels like it's too much to handle right now," Scholl says.

 

How can denial hurt us?

  In dangerous or unhealthy situations, denial can hurt us.  How?  Because, sometimes we stay in situations that could cause us (or someone else) serious harm; yet we stay anyway.  We take risks that are probably not good for us.  

  For example, keeping our eyes shut about the realities of a physical or mental illness can lead to serious health consequences. "We see a lot of teens with depression and substance use disorders, and some parents deny there are problems because they're afraid of what it means for the child. It comes from a place of worry," Scholl says. "But denying problems can hurt children and block them from making meaningful change."

  Denial can also hurt when it involves addiction or abuse (as well). Those problems affect everyone in a family, and can lead to unhealthy patterns that get passed down from one generation to the next.

 

Spotting behavior patterns that suggest denial

  People in denial often exhibit certain behaviors. For example, they might:

  >>> minimize or justify problems, issues, or unhealthy behaviors; or 

  >>> avoid thinking about their problems -- by using, alcohol, drugs or sex -- or even gambling; or 

            >>> avoid taking responsibility for unhealthy behaviors, or        blame them on someone else; and 

>>> refuse to talk about certain issues, and get defensive when the subjects are brought up. 

 

     Moving from denial toward meaningful change

Dealing with denial means first recognizing that it's occurring — which can be a challenge for anyone — and then addressing the underlying issue that's causing it.

  If you recognize denial in yourself, Scholl advises that you reach out for help. Talk to someone close to you or get an outside opinion from a therapist, a spiritual counselor, your doctor, or a hotline number, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline if you're experiencing intimate partner violence. For addiction problems, make that first call to a substance use disorder hotline or recovery center, or try attending just one meeting of a 12-step program (such as Alcoholics Anonymous). In time, you can learn to face your fears or concerns, and develop a concrete plan to change.

Recognizing denial in others: Tread carefully

  If you recognize denial in others and you'd like to point it out, tread very carefully. Seek guidance from experts before taking on a situation that could be dangerous to you or to the other person.

  If the situation is not dangerous, be as compassionate as possible. "Have a warm and empathetic conversation in an environment without distractions," Scholl says. "Express your love and point out what you're seeing. Talk about how it affects you. And then give it time. You can't force anyone to change. All you can do is plant a seed.” (SOURCE.)

DENIAL IN DV:

  "Denial of responsibility takes place when the abuser attempts to shift blame from themselves on to others. The abuser denies responsibility by claiming the abusive act was an accident, or by arguing that it was secondary to stress, alcohol, or just a bad day."  

  In Psychology Today, Lamber (2024) writes about: "Denial for the Perpetrator and Survivor of Intimate Partner Abuse"  (She also separates the ideas of Perpetrator Denial versus Survivor Denial):

  "A Perpetrator’s Denial looks like The coercive partner who seeks to be in charge in an intimate relationship utilizes many tactics to obtain and maintain this power. Central to this stance is the defense of externalization that shows up as excessive blaming and holding their partner responsible. Attempts by their partner to speak up about their perspective or push back results in them often being accused of being the abusive one or the “gaslighter.” Thus, the abuser sustains a deep denial of their hurtful abusive behavior sidestepping taking any responsibility at all costs."

  "A Survivor’s Denial looks like "The recipient of psychological abuse from an intimate partner usually doesn’t see or experience coercion at the beginning of the relationship. In part, it’s intentionally not demonstrated by the interested partner who is “courting” to win over someone of interest. It’s often a slow and insidious process where coercive intents are embedded in seemingly normal behavior that can be missed. Eventually, it shows up in earnest upon living together, marriage, pregnancy, or the birth of the first child.

  Concurrently, a coercive partner’s behavior fluctuates and can be “kind and caring” at times. It’s during these times when the person they met while “courting” might appear to have returned—giving hope for lasting change—that denial of the previous hurtful behavior kicks in. Sadly, these favorable periods never last and only serve to offer ongoing intermittent hope and reinforce denial of the abuse." (Source).

  So Denial is kind of like a Double-Edged Sword.  It can help one through a difficult time, by reducing the initial shock of a tragedy.  But it can also be extremely costly and even dangerous if one does not realize the danger prior to it being too late to change course. 

  +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

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Types of Domestic Violence / Family Violence / Inter-Personal Violence / Intimate Partner Violence

The DVOMB Core Competencies state:

J. Ability to define types of DV

  1. Defines: coercion, controlling behavior, psychological emotional, sexual, physical, animal abuse, property,

financial, isolation... all types of DV.

  2. Identifies specific types of DV engaged in

  3. Demonstrate understanding of DV by giving examples

  4. Defines continuum of behavior from healthy to abusive

What is Domestic Violence?  

  I cannot tell you how many people get charged with Domestic Violence, yet when I interview them, they claim they could never have committed Domestic Violence.  Yet, they proceed to tell me a story that includes the current legal definition of DV.  It seems this could be as good a time as any to talk about what DV is, right?  
  

According to the Colorado Bar Association: The Current Definition of Domestic violence includes the idea that it is a pattern of (feeling, thinking) and behavior in which one person attempts to control another (person) through threats or actual use of physical, verbal, or psychological violence or sexual assault on their current or past intimate partner. (Source FVPF2) 

According to the Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence, regarding the Types of Domestic Violence:  “When the general public thinks about domestic violence, they usually think in terms of physical assault that results in visible injuries to the victim. This is only one type of abuse. There are several categories of abusive behavior, each of which has its own devastating consequences. Lethality involved with physical abuse may place the victim at higher risk, but the long term destruction of personhood that accompanies the other forms of abuse is significant and cannot be minimized.  Please explore the following sections to learn more about how to identify domestic violence.”

A list of Types of Abuse could include but should not be limited to:

• Coercion
• Controlling Behavior
• Physical Abuse
• Sexual Abuse
• Emotional Abuse & Intimidation
• Isolation
• Verbal Abuse: Coercion, Threats, & Blame
• Using Male Privilege
• Animal Abuse
• Property Abuse
• Economic Abuse
• Digital Abuse
• Stalking  (Source).

Check out this Video/Audio about Power and Control and Domestic Violence.

According to the Colorado D.V.O.M.B. Standards:

  All DV Offenders need to have the ability to define types of domestic violence.  We also need to be able to:

1. Define coercion, controlling behavior and all types of domestic violence (psychological, emotional, sexual, physical, animal abuse, property, financial, isolation, (digital, and Social)).
2. To Identify in detail the specific types of domestic violence that we engaged in, and the destructive impact of that behavior on our partner and our children (or anyone else involved) (Pence & Paymar, 1993; SAFE JeffCo., 2002).
3. To Demonstrate cognitive understanding of the types of domestic violence as evidenced by giving examples and accurately label situations (SAFE JeffCo, 2002)."
4. To Define a continuum of Relationship-Related Feelings, Thinking and Behavior from healthy to abusive.

Where do my Thoughts and Behaviors fall on 

   a Continuum of Relationship-Related Feelings? 

          Healthy                                                     Abusive

Thinking & Behavior                    Thinking & Behavior

             ^^^ ---------------------------------------------------^^^

    

Breaking it Down Just a Little Bit More:

Domestic Violence: This term is also defined in Section 18-6-800.3(1), C.R.S. and is expanded to include the following definitions for the purpose of the approved provider's use in treatment:

1. Physical violence: aggressive behavior including but not limited to hitting, pushing or grabbing, choking, scratching, pinching, restraining, slapping, pulling, hitting with weapons or objects, shooting, stabbing, damaging property or pets, or threatening to do so.
2. Sexual violence: forcing someone to perform any sexual act without consent.
3. Psychological violence: intense and repetitive degradation, creating isolation, and controlling the actions or behaviors of another person through intimidation (such as stalking or harassing) or manipulation to the detriment of the individual.
4. Economic Deprivation/Financial Abuse: use of financial means to control the actions or behaviors of another person. This may also include such acts as withholding funds, taking economic resources from our intimate partner, and using funds to manipulate or control our intimate partner.

But it really goes much Deeper, correct???

Question: What did I think I was doing when I did my DV Offense?  

Did I think I was committing DV?

Did I Really Make A Choice to Commit DV?; Or Did I Make A Choice to Do Something Aggressive and/or Threatening in order to Try and Get My Way?:

  Violent and abusive behavior is typically viewed as the abuser’s choice: Typically, just before we commit domestic violence, we do make a (sometimes hasty) decision about what we want, and how to get it.  And we do this even when we are intoxicated.  We just might not remember it.

  Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is technically not considered to be due to our loss of control over our behavior.  Abusive behavior and violence is frequently viewed as a deliberate choice made by a person (or an abuser) in order to take control of the situation and/or the relationship.  And at the very least; for persons who are intoxicated when it happened, DV is a result of the poor choice to become intoxicated.

The Fact is that Most Domestic Violence is about Power and Control, Right:

  DV is frequently about using Power to gain Control over a situation or a person; Or it is about using Control to gain some sense of Power over a Person or a Situation.  

  According to the Power and Control Wheels from which much of the current thinking about DV has come: DV Can Include any or all of the following behaviors:

• Intimidation 
• Emotional Abuse 
• Minimizing, Denying and Blaming:
• Using Children: 
• Economic / Financial Abuse:
• Using Male Privilege -- And possibly Female Privilege in some cases: 
• Coercion and Threats:
• Physical Abuse:
• Sexual Abuse:
• Psychological Abuse:
• Parental Alienation
• Animal abuse:
• Property Abuse:
• Jealousy (Using Isolation):
• Social Abuse / Reputation Abuse:
• Digital Abuse / Online stalking or trolling or Harassment on FB or elsewhere:
• Manipulation:
• Trying to gain Respect through Fear.

Watch or Listen to this Video about the Power and Control Wheel.

Question: What might make a certain behavior into DV?

Some Specifics About Different Types of DV from the Victim's Point of View.

 

 Think about it: What does DV  Look Like from the Point of View of the Victim(s)?

Emotional abuse: It’s often a bigger problem than we think.

  When people think of domestic abuse, we often picture battered women who has been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve physical violence.  Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused.  Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked — even by the person being abused.

Understanding emotional abuse:  The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at  our feelings of self-worth and independence.  If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

  Emotional abuse can include: verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse.   Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

  We may naturally think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send us to the hospital and leave us with scars.  But many survivors say that the scars of emotional abuse are also very real, and they run deep too. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse — sometimes even more so.

Also Some Abuse is About the Money:  Economic or financial abuse:  A subtle form of emotional abuse.  Remember, an abuser’s goal is often to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so.  Economic or financial abuse can include:

 Rigidly controlling your finances.

 Withholding money or credit cards.

 Making you account for every penny you spend.

 Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

 Restricting you to an allowance.

 Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

 Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly).

 Stealing from you or taking your money.

 Watch or Listen to This Video about Domestic Violence

 Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power.  Some of these tactics are very effective and leave lasting damages and scars in their wake:

1.  Dominance –  Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. Sometimes, they will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may even treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
2.  Humiliation –  An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave.  Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
3.  Isolation –  In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world.  He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school.  You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
4.  Threats –  Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, or to harm or kill your children, or other family members, or even pets.  He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, threaten to file false charges against you, or to report you to child services.
5.  Intimidation –  Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
6.  Denial and blame –  Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

On the other Hand, there are times when a Woman can be Abusive as well.  What about a case where a Woman is the Abuser?

  From "10 Signs of an Abusive Wife and How to Deal with It" By Sylvia Smith, Expert Blogger Verified Marriage & Family Therapist Approved By Angela Welch, LMFT (7 May, 2021).

  According to this author, some of Women's types of abuse can include:

Controlling behavior

Verbal abuse

Violence

Extreme jealousy

Unreasonable reactions

Isolation

Instills fear

Blames everyone else

Gaslighting

Inability to handle criticism

(Source).

Discussion Question: What Tactics Have I Used to Take Control?  Did it work?:

*** Please CLICK HERE, to Complete your Types of DV Worksheet. ***

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(c. 2020-2024, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

(Originally Posted, 8/28/2020)

Sources: https://www.cobar.org/index.cfm/ID/21062

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#emotional

(For info on DV in LBGTQ Relationships: http://www.humanservices.alberta.ca/documents/NCN1375-abuse-in-same-sex-LGBTQ-relationships-booklets.pdf)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).