What does it take to successfully move from feeling like a Victim in a Domestic Violence Situation, but actually being labelled as the "Offender" in that same situation; to becoming a Survivor in that same situation?
Even if one is charged with an Offense that includes a DV Enhancer; though one was Charged as an Offender or a Perpetrator; one often feels like THE VICTIM.
Why is that? How does this happen? Let us Count the ways....
One basic fact is that a lot of people being charged with DV Offenses have in their lives -- at one point or another -- been victims of Domestic Violence or Family Violence (as an adult; or Child Abuse; or Neglect as a child). Sometimes even within coupling -- meaning that in some cases, the person who is now Officially the "Victim"; has at times in the past been a perpetrator of abuse against the person who is now considered the "Offender".
Look at it this way -- Many circumstances can twist the situation around to where such confusion can happen: For example: One might even feel like they are a victim of the situation, or a victim of alcohol dependence -- Perhaps, they get angry when they drink and they think its the Alcohol's fault.
Or perhaps they feel like a victim of poverty -- like being poor all their lives.
Or a victim of the system.
Some might even think that the whole reason that they got into trouble was because they are from a different culture or race or a different sexual orientation than a lot of other people around.
Or they think the only reason they got into trouble was because the policeman did not like them.
Some people might even be a victim of a bad break-up.
Some people might even feel like a victim to a mental disorder -- perhaps when they are sick with their psychological problems, they don't think straight... and that's not fair is it?
But it goes on and on and on and on...
And surely many of these possible reasons or excuses may be valid on one hand. However, the fact is that just before the point where they got into trouble, they made some choices...
Such as a person with an alcohol / anger problem deciding to drink.
Or a person with a psychiatric disorder deciding NOT to take their meds.
Or they spent the last 2 years telling their partner that they don't really need help with Anger Management... even though their partner has told them many times before that their violence against them is unacceptable.
But there is a major disconnect here it seems. Right?
One problem is that in order to successfully move on in life after a DV Offense, one MUST take Accountability and learn ways to NEVER AGAIN commit Domestic Violence; That's why we go to DV Treatment.
This way, no one needs to become a Repeat Domestic Violence Offender. In short, one needs to learn how to prevent DV from occurring in any way in one's life -- even if it means they can never again have a drink of alcohol.
ON The Same Note: It also helps to remember that the Court divides people in Criminal cases into Victims and Offenders. So frequently, an Offender might also feel like they were victimized. But the Court is not necessarily going to recognize their Victimhood this time...
Accountability can be defined as: "The quality or state of being accountable especially: an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions ..." (Source).
Accountability can also be defined as: "According to Social Workers: "Accountability means being obliged and responsible to others." "Accountability means being answerable to others and is related to responsibility. One takes responsibility for actions but one is held accountable"(Source).
Finally, Accountability can be defined this way: "Psychologists define Accountability as: “The condition of having to answer, explain, or justify one's actions or beliefs to another. It often includes the possibility that you will be held responsible and punished if your acts cannot be justified, or rewarded if your actions are justified. Accountability is a composite of numerous factors: being held responsible for one’s actions, presence of another, being identifiable as an actor, evaluation by an audience, and providing validation for one’s behavior" (Source).
A Victim could be thought of as:
“One that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions (a victim of cancer, a victim of an auto crash, a murder victim). (Maby even a victim of DV?)
A Victim could also be: One that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment. For example: a frequent victim of political attacks, one that is tricked or duped, or even a conman's victim.” (Source)
Now, Think for a minute:
Think about or describe a time in your life when you have been a Victim?
Think about or describe a time in your life when you have been a Survivor?
How are these two conditions different?
How are these two conditions similar? (Keep reading).
The Problem of Feeling Like a Victim:
An Important Note: Sometimes when we feel like victims, we tend to excuse what we do to others, as though is it our Right to show them how we are hurting, by trying to make them feel the pain and fear that we feel as victims. Nonetheless, taking one’s own experiences as a Victim and trying to make other people relive them is just plain wrong WRONG. Right???
Why is this so -- that we should not put our pain onto someone else? How is it wrong to make someone else experience the pain that I am experiencing? For one, we have no right to do that.
Consider this: Could it be Legally Right or even Morally Right to have someone else experience the fear, the pain, or the anguish and the residual effects of my victimhood?
Probably NOT.
NO.So then, if I have all this pain from my past, what can I do with it?
One Possibility is that I could probably try to live with it and overcome it. In the meantime, why not try to become (in my Heart and Mind) an Accountable Survivor Instead of a Victim? Is that Possible for you? Can you do this? Probably. You can definitely try, right?
(Please Note: The idea here is to be able to notice that a person coming from the emotional position of a Survivor is going to be coming out of a different place, a different set of thoughts and a different set of feelings than a person coming from the Victim position.)What if it turns out that letting go of that need or desire for revenge is a giant step toward becoming a survivor?
But sometimes, we are angry or hurt about what happened to us. But we don't necessarily know what we should be doing right now, do we?
Hence, at first, this project of becoming accountable and becoming a Survivor might include some effort that feels kind of like basically faking it until we make it.
Even if I feel like a victim, I can try to start thinking like a Survivor instead. And that might include the following such as: Gratitude for having survived, Wanting to do better next time, Letting go of the resentment...etc..., and Looking for some reasonable solutions, and developing the will to make some positive CHANGE.
Remember: EVEN if one feels WRONGED by how one's DV Offense unfolded; One is NOT technically "The Victim" in that Offense. This is important to always remember.
So here is ONE LAST QUESTION Before you do the Worksheet:
Would you rather be a DV Victim?
Or, Would you rather be a DV Offender who feels like a Victim?
Or, Would you rather be a DV Offender who feels like an Accountable Survivor?
*** Please CLICK HERE to complete your Offender/Victim To Survivor Worksheet ***
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER TO ALSO COMPLETE A SESSION FEEDBACK FORM FOR EVERY SESSION THAT YOU ATTEND. Look for the link beside the AMERICAN FLAG.
+++ CLICK HERE to Complete Your SESSION FEEDBACK FORM!!! +++
"FROM VICTIM TO SUVIVOR"
Please see Additional Readings Below:
Enough said. Lets move on:
Check out The following essay on Survivors Vs. Victims of Disasters, written by J. Faletto.
"About Survivors Vs. Victims of
Disasters: (Faletto, J. 2017)
“Surviving a disaster doesn't just
come down to fight or flight. Circumventing danger is more complicated than
that. However, there may be one way to gauge if you have what it takes to make
it out alive, thanks to a 2015 study. Do you possess the eight shared traits of
survivors? (Related Video: The Woman Who
Survived a 10,000 Foot Fall)
“I'm a Survivor, I'm Not Gon' Give Up” They say you won't know how you'll respond to a catastrophe until you're faced with one. A study published in PLOS One in July 2015 set out to clear up that mystery. What does it take to survive? The researchers interviewed and surveyed survivors of the 2011 Japan earthquake and tsunami disaster to get closer to what fuels the power to live in these scenarios. More than 1,400 survivors received the questionnaire, which included 40 items, each pertaining to one of three classes of characteristics: personal traits, attitudes, and habits. Drumroll please ... here is the list of Eight Traits that were shared among the Survivors of that disaster:”
(Characteristics
of Survivors):
1. “Leadership: This represents the
attitude or habit of gathering and organizing people. You may possess this
trait if you strongly agree with these statements (taken from the
questionnaire): “I take initiative in
talking to other people. Sophisticated
words that move other people come out of my mouth.”
2. Problem-solving:
This represents the attitude or habit of strategically tackling
problems. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these
statements: “The more agitated the people around me become, the calmer I
somehow become. When I am fretting about
what I should do, I compare several alternative actions.”
3. Altruism: This represents the personality trait
that causes people to care about and help others. You may possess this trait if
you strongly agree with these statements: “I like it when other people rely on
me and are grateful to me. When someone
asks me to do something for them, I cannot refuse.”
4. Stubbornness: This represents the personality trait, attitude, or habit of sticking to one's desires or beliefs. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements: “I say whatever it is I want to say without hesitation. I hate losing.”
5. Etiquette: This represents the
attitude or habit of conforming to social norms in daily behavior. You may
possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements: “In everyday life, I take care of myself as
much as possible. When someone has
helped me or been kind to me, I clearly convey my feelings of gratitude.”
6. Emotional regulation: This
represents the attitude or habit of endeavoring to stay calm in difficult or
strained circumstances. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with
these statements: “When something
happens, I try to stay calm and not panic.
During difficult times, I endeavor not to brood.”
7. Self-transcendence: This
represents awareness of the meaning of one's life from a spiritual perspective.
You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements: “I am
aware of the path and teachings I should follow as a person. I am aware of the role I should play in
society.”
8. Active well-being: This refers to the daily practice of maintaining or improving one's physical, mental, and intellectual status. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements: “In everyday life, I endeavor to find opportunities to acquire new knowledge, skills, and attitudes. In everyday life, I have habitual practices that are essential for relieving stress or giving me a change of pace.”” (Faletto, J. 2017) Retrieved 7/8/2019).
Believe it or not, one can then evolve out of the Victim Position, to the Survivor Position, and then eventually move on to become a Thriver!
From Victim to Survivor to
Thriver Dillmann, PsyD
(2011), Retrieved 7/8/2019 from: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/victim-survivor-thriver-trauma-stages/
“A
woman raises her arms in victory as she stands outside facing the sun. One way
to understand the healing journey is to think of growing from a place of
victimization to survival, and ultimately, to thriving. While a person has had
no choice about being victimized, he or she does have a choice about growing
through these stages."
(Dr. B. Says: Sometimes we do have a choice about potentially being victimized by leaving ourselves open, or making unwise choices -- like drinking when we know we shouldn't. Still in all, we can make a choice RIGHT NOW to start to grow in a positive direction. Even in the middle of a crisis, we can be resolved to become a Survivor. And with a little luck, it could come true. But if we just give in, we might end up just being victims instead. Which do you choose?)
"Regardless of what the traumatic event was, where or when it occurred,
there was a period of time when victimization occurred. This victimization is
not something one should feel guilt or shame about, rather it is a factual
reality to understand, accept, and grow through. When an individual cannot or
does not grow through the period of victimization, one can think of this person
as being stuck within the victim stage.
An individual in the victim stage feels as though he or
she is still in the trauma—no matter how long ago the actual traumatic
incident(s) occurred. The sense of being in that moment of time permeates the
person’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviors and even his or her sense of self.
It is common for an individual in this stage to avoid many emotions while
experiencing in abundance feelings of helplessness, vulnerability, fragility,
self-pity, numbness, defeat, shame, self-hatred, and discouragement. The person
might feel out of control or angry, want to hide and hope to be rescued. The
individual often believes he or she lacks choices and has few possibilities and
a shortened future. This combination of thoughts leads to little planning for
the future and a preoccupation with the past.
In addition, the individual may feel plagued by memories of the event,
particularly if he or she is struggling with flashbacks. Common behaviors that
arise out of these thoughts and feelings are self-destructive ones such as
addictions or a pervasive passivity. While most individuals, even those who
have been stuck within this stage for quite some time, do not desire to be
within the victimization stage, some individuals do experience secondary gains
(such as love, support, attention, assistance) from being within this victim
stage.
These benefits can also become intertwined with the individual’s way of
life and identity, making it all the more difficult to grow through this phase.
Just as some individuals struggle with leaving this stage, some individuals
struggle with being in this stage and try to avoid acknowledging the truth of
the victimization. Neither approach is
healthy, because true recovery can only occur when one has dwelt within and
then healed out of this stage.
(In some ways, the big difference between the Victim Stage and the Survivor stage and the Thriver stage may be the degree of Reality that one is willing to accept about their Victimization -- including the idea about the choices they made that might have contributed to them becoming victims or Survivors. And this is followed by the degree of HOPE a person has as well. And people tend to need hope in order to have better outcomes and even improved mental health.)
Once a person has grown through the victim stage, he or she enters into the survivor stage, which is the time when one begins to feel strong and confident and to truly believe that there are resources and choices. A key realization of this stage is that an individual has gotten through the trauma intact, or mostly intact, and is indeed outside of it. This understanding allows the person to begin integrating the trauma into his or her life story, to take control of life, and to recognize potential for change and growth.
For many, a sense of satisfaction accompanies this realization as does a
shift into an emotional state that has less suffering, less pain, less guilt,
and definitely less depression. Many of the difficult emotions decrease, and
though this is not necessarily a happy phase of life, moments of happiness will
start to occur more often. As one progresses through this stage, living one day
at a time increasingly becomes a primary focus. Coping from day to day and
acting upon a commitment to healing, trusting, and restoring relationships
becomes the essence of healing.
The thriver stage crystallizes the growth of the survivor stage and
takes one’s healing to the point where he or she has general satisfaction with
life as well as a sense that ordinary life is both interesting and enjoyable.
Commitment to moving forward, to taking care of one’s physical health, to
investing in one’s career, relationships, and love and life allow these gains
to occur. On an emotional level, feelings of strength, empowerment, compassion,
resilience, and self-determination eclipse the emotions experienced within the
victim stage. In addition a renewed sense of joy, peace, and happiness arises
because one has grown, despite the traumatic experience, and is living well.
It is within this thriver stage that a person’s thinking becomes less pessimistic; he or she begins to think and believe that that there are long-term options, that there is a point to planning for the future, and he or she begins to recognize and embrace new possibilities. This living well is also exemplified in an ability to connect with others who are suffering, to accept imperfections in loved ones, and to reach out to others. Life is once again rich in meaningful relationships which help the person find a sense of meaning and purpose. If any symptoms of posttraumatic stress or other issues remain, the individual has learned how to effectively cope with these symptoms. Ultimately, he or she perceives him- or herself as more than a victim. One recognizes him- or herself as a valuable individual who, though tempered by tragedy, has risen and moved beyond the trauma” (Source).
(Dr. B says: A large part of the journey toward Survival and Thriving is about doing the Right Thing -- what ever that is... Even if we don't know all the answers, we can try our best. And we just might find them. We can almost always ask someone for help. We now have that positive energy that can fuel such a journey. And as you go along, be sure to accept the fact that this includes building a positive Support System that you can lean on if you need to.)
Music about Hitting Bottom and Survival:
Whenever God Shines His Light On Me: Gets Your Feet Back on Higher Group
We Can Be Heroes (David Bowie)
The Water is Wide (Karla Bonoff)
Sweet Melissa (Allman Brothers)
Reflections of My Life (Marmalaide)
It Takes Every Kind of People (Robert Palmer)
What's Going On (Marvin Gaye)
The Water is Wide (James Taylor)
(Originally Posted 1/11/2021)
Sources:
- https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/accountability
- https://sk.sagepub.com/books/key-concepts-in-social-work-practice/n1.xml#:~:text=Accountability%20means%20being%20obliged%20and,them%20with%20a%20protected%20title.
- http://psychology.iresearchnet.com/social-psychology/social-cognition/accountability/#:~:text=Accountability%20is%20the%20condition%20of,if%20your%20actions%20are%20justified.
- © Copyright 2011 by Susanne M. Dillmann, PsyD, therapist in Escondido, California. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.
- (Faletto, J. 2017) Retrieved 7/8/2019: https://curiosity.com/topics/these-are-the-8-characteristics-shared-by-people-who-have-survived-disasters-curiosity/)
“Effects of domestic violence on children
"Many children exposed to violence in the home are also victims of physical abuse.1 Children who witness domestic violence or are victims of abuse themselves are at serious risk for long-term physical and mental health problems.2 Children who witness violence between parents may also be at greater risk of being violent in their future relationships. If you are a parent who is experiencing abuse, it can be difficult to know how to protect your child” (Source).
(c. 2021, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).
