My Personal Mission Statement is for Prevention of Domestic Violence in my Life

  Regardless of what happened or how it happened, if I was named in the Court Case, then I was probably involved.  

  And now, I am choosing to never again be involved in Domestic violence...  NEVER AGAIN!!!  So how might I do that?  

  Could it be that Perhaps I need a Personal Mission Statement?

  In order to plan for this, we need to take a good look at our own values.  Our values tend to project our thoughts, our feelings, our desires, our needs, our beliefs, our past, and our shortcomings among other things.  Many of us carry our values around like Billboards so that everyone can see them.

  Some folks get Morals and Values confused.  And “While morals may feel like they are usually imposed from the outside, values are inherent and personal in character” (Study.com).  So for the purpose of this discussion here today, Values and Morals are essentially the same.

  So here are some questions for us to ponder:

  What are our values?  

  How do our Values impact our lives?  

  How do your values impact the lives of others?

  What is My Mission Statement?   

  Great Questions!  Well, Our Missions in life tend to be based on our Values.  We usually gotta believe in something before we really want to make it happen.

   First, It might help to know what a Mission Statement is. It can sometimes be challenging to tease out our Mission from our Values and Goals.  In fact, our Goals and our Mission can sometimes be intertwined.   So let's check out a few popular Mission Statements.  For example:

 Even McDonald's has a Mission Statement!  For example: McDonald’s says, “Our mission is to make delicious feel-good moments easy for everyone.  This is how we uniquely feed and foster communities” (McDonald’s).

Martin Luther King “refused to allow prison, violence or the threat of death sway his end mission. Instead, he stood beside his goal of achieving rights for all through nonviolent protests. Dr. King maintained a vision for a more diverse America where all people enjoyed the benefits of equality” (The National Civil Rights Museum).

“The goal of the Grateful Dead was to provide a high quality experience with high quality music. They wanted to play great music for people who were really into music. There were choices they could have made along the way that, while more profitable, would have meant abandoning their true goal”  (Anne Grady Group).

And “The Red Cross, born of a desire to bring assistance without discrimination to the wounded on the battlefield, endeavors—in its international and national capacity— to prevent and alleviate human suffering wherever it may be found. Its purpose is to protect life and health and to ensure respect for the human being”  (The American Red Cross). 

  Types of Values might include: Personal Values, Professional Values, Social Values, National Values, Religious Values....

  In this particular case, it is important now to know that for each one of us involved in DV Offender Treatment: "My Personal Mission Statement is for me to be able to Prevent any more Domestic Violence in my Life." 

  Let's see if we Can we agree on to the following:  

  Whereas, according to the Courts, I have had some Domestic Violence in my Life.  This malady has costs others and myself the following: Time, Money, Trust, Emotional or Physical Trauma, Stress, Pain, Mental challenges and numerous other resources.  Therefore, I have decided I no longer want DV in my life.

In order to make that Mission come true, I need a Mission Statement 

 "A meaningful personal mission statement contains these basic elements. 

1. The first thing to think about is what I want to do?  – What I want to accomplish?  What contributions do I want to make and to whom?... to what?  And finally, What do I hope to get out of it?

2. The second is What do I want to be?  Like...  How do I want to be viewed or perceived by others when my Mission is done?  –  And what character strengths do I have to help me accomplish this?   Also, What qualities do I want to develop during this process.  How do I want to grow?" 

3. Thirdly, I need to keep in mind that an effective Personal Mission Statement must also be doable for me.  

  In order to create a good Personal Mission Statement: I have to be honest with myself; I have to be Flexible; willing to listen to others who mean well; and I have to be strong.  I need to have Positive Energy in my life, I need Patience, I need a Positive Outlook, Tact, and Good Will.  And I need as much Mindfulness as I can do.  And I have to be committed to making the correct decisions, as well as correcting my errors, and then following up by doing the right thing(s).

  So I need some important Tools: I will need to know myself, including what I need, what I want, what I like, how I love, my feelings, my anger, my respect for everyone, and my boundaries, my morals, my resistance, all of my wisdom -- all the energy that I can muster, my courage, my needs in a relationship, etc...   And I also need to know that which I want, and that which I cannot tolerate.  

  Furthermore.  I also need to know what I am capable of; and what I am not capable of.  Further, I need some reliable ways of knowing when things are truly good; as well as ways of knowing when things are not good; along with many other things.

And Finally: 

  In order for me to Prevent DV from happening in my life; I will need to recognize the warning signs -- the Red Flags!  

  I have to be able to Manifest and Promote a Lifestyle that can accommodate healthy relationships as well as one that is devoid of Violence of any kind.

Super Basic Questions: 

  “It's time to start Building On My Individual Values in order to create My Personal Mission Statement for Domestic Violence Prevention”.  First I need to know the following:

Question: “What are some of my Personal Values as they relate to Relationships and prevention of DV?"

Question: “What is my Mission in Life as it relates to Relationships and Prevention of Domestic Violence?”

Question: “How might my Values and / or my Mission in Life help me to Prevent Domestic Violence in my future relationships?”

  And this is how I am going to do it.  I am going to Feel, Think, Love, Listen to my Heart, be Honorable, I will Plan, Act, Respect others, command Respect for myself, Re-Assess, and go for it again... 

*** Please Click Here to Complete your 

Personal Mission Statement To Prevent DV *** 

TABLE OF CONTENTS for DV Treatment: Below are The Basic Necessities for Completing Domestic Violence Treatment. These Links Below lead to the Topics and the Worksheets that are part of DV Treatment Requirements. These Worksheets are Required for Successful Completion of DV Treatment.

  There are several things that must be done in order to Successfully Complete DV Treatment.  Before you start, you should read the Treatment Orientation Posting.  Also take a look at the Schedule of Groups.

  The first requirement is that I attend all sessions, take the lessons seriously, and demonstrate positive change change in my thinking.  You definitely should not have missed more than 2 or 3 DV Sessions.  If you missed any sessions, you should have informed Dr B as to why you missed.  Fact of the matter is; if I missed any DV Sessions, I should complete an Absences Attestation for each one.

  Another requirement for successful completion of DV Treatment is that 100% of my Balance is paid off.  Remember, your P.O. is NOT required to give you Vouchers to pay for your DV Treatment.  But if you need a Voucher to pay for your DV Treatment, you must speak with your P.O. (nicely) about this matter if you hope to get any help from them paying for your DV Sessions.  The sooner you do this, the better.  Because they can only give you vouchers or you that will cover DV Sessions starting the day you ask for them.  Finally, it is important that you understand that any amount that is not covered by vouchers is an amount that you will owe for your DV Treatment.

  The third requirement is to understand that any really good DV Treatment Participant is also filling out a Session Feedback Form at the end of each session.

  The fourth requirement is to know that any one who wishes to Successfully Complete Domestic Violence Offender Treatment, must be sure that I All of of their Worksheets are completed and successfully submitted online.  

  Some of the most important DV Topics are those listed below.  Even if you have done these before, they really must be gone over again to make double-sure that you completely understand how you will never again have any more DV in your relationships.

Important:

  Go to each of the Links below and complete the  worksheets that they have links to. 

Dr. B's DV Prevention & Education Blog: Treatment Planning for Success (drbsdvpreventionandeducation.blogspot.com) 

Autobiography of Violence Worksheet

DVOMB Mandatory Core Competencies

    Core Competencies Worksheet

BRIEF CORE COMPETENCIES CHECK-UP: Where Do I Think that I am in my DV Treatment???

Managing Conflict Effectively: And Prevention of Domestic Violence

Learning about Chain Analysis in order Prevent Domestic Violence: A DBT-Type Method

Understanding our Values and Using our Virtues to Prevent Domestic Violence

Understanding Different Types of Domestic Violence - 

        CLICK HERE >>>- Types of DV Worksheet 

The Vagina Monologues -- Decades of Altruistic Efforts to Improve the Lives of Girls, Women, and Yes; the Entire Planet!

Overcoming Denial  -- Being Responsible or Being in Denial Worksheet

Overcoming Minimization, Denial and Blame -- Moving Toward Accountability

    Minimization, Denial & Blame Worksheet

The Role of Anger in Domestic Violence -- Anger and DV Worksheet

Taking Time Outs

Understanding Communication for Healthy Relationships

Getting Ready to Take Full Accountability For My Domestic Violence Offense and Moving Forward: What Is Real-Time Accountability?

DVTPA: Domestic Violence Treatment Progress Assessment

My Domestic Violence Treatment Check-In and Check-Up!

The Effects of Using Children During and After a Relationship

The Duluth Power & Control Wheels

The EFFECTS of Using Power and Control in Relationships

Using Equality for Healthier Relationships

Balancing Our Empathy With Our Own Needs Particularly During Troubled Times

Developing Empathy

The Fallacy of Control -- Controlling Behaviors

Types of DV Worksheet

What is Love?

Making Better Choices: Poor Choices, versus Mistakes, Accidents and Victimhood

Mindfulness and Prevention of DV: Where was I when my DV Happened?

Mandatory Empathy Panel Presentation at SLVBHG 8/8/2028 

Empathy Panel Week Worksheets for Everyone to Complete even if they did not attend the Empathy Panel.

Cycle of Violence

Potential Risk Factors for DV: Knowing your Risk Factors 

Healthy Boundaries

Codependency, Relationships and Domestic Violence

Introduction to Basic DBT Skills for Prevention of DV-Type Thinking, Feeling and Domestic Violence Itself

What Happens When We Violate Somebody's Rights

Cognitive Distortions

The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children -- A Reminder

Building On Individual Values And A Personal Mission Statement For Domestic Violence Prevention

Moving from Being Considered the "Offender" in a Domestic Violence Case, (yet Feeling Like a Victim); Toward Becoming an Accountable Survivor

Using The Control Log Process In Order to Prevent Domestic Violence

Personal Change Plan

PLANS -- PLANS -- PLANS !!!  Time to Get It Done!!!

Understanding DV From a Trauma-Informed Perspective 

    Trauma-Informed DV Victim Empathy Worksheet 

Communicating for Healthy Relationships

Personality Disorders, Other Psychiatric Disorders, Substance Use, and Domestic Violence

How Do I Talk About My DV Offense?  What if they won't let it go?

DV and The Holidays and Domestic Violence:  The Holidays can be a Great Time to Move Forward: Planning for a Nourishing and SAFE Holiday

Getting Ready for a NEW YEAR: Planning for A Year without Domestic Violence and A Year with Healthier Relationships 

My Domestic Violence Treatment Check-In & Check-Up

Dr. B's DV Prevention & Education Blog: My Domestic Violence Treatment Check-In & Check-Up (drbsdvpreventionandeducation.blogspot.com) 

The Phenomenon of Jealousy and How it Relates to Domestic Violence

Respect Letter

The Often-Times Challenging Journey from Trauma to Hope and Confidence for People with Domestic Violence Offenses

"Getting Ready to Take Accountability for my DV Offense."  Accountability Practice Letter Worksheet -- 

Valentine's Day and Domestic Violence -- What does Valentine's Day Mean To You?  A Process Approach 

About Relationships: Unhealthy versus Healthy 

Empathy Recognition and It's Potential Role in Preventing Domestic Violence 

Dealing Effectively with Dysfunctional, Destructive, Negative Behaviors and Problems in Relationships

The Vagina Monologues -- Decades of Altruistic Efforts to Improve the Lives of Girls, Women, and Yes; the Entire Planet!

Using Children as a Form of Domestic Violence During a Relationship; and/or Parental Alienation as a Form of DV After the Intimate Relationship is Over

Domestic Violence, Parental Alienation & Child Abuse: A Deadly Intersection

Developing Accountability for a Better Chance at Preventing Domestic Violence and a Brighter Future!

Create Your Emergency Toolkit 

for Prevention of Domestic Violence

>>> Mindfulness and Prevention of DV: 

   Where was I when my DV Happened? <<<

Denial and Domestic Violence

Dr. B's DV Prevention & Education Blog: “Denial and Responsibility -- Which Works Better for Me?” (drbsdvpreventionandeducation.blogspot.com)

and

Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

NOW YOU CAN GO BACK TO THE TOP OF THIS LIST AND KEEP ON PROGRESSING!!!

Accountability Letter Worksheet

Aftercare Planning for Success.

Turn in and Read Your Accountability Letter to The Group

Exit Interview Worksheet

Finally:  if your Evaluation and all of your Treatment Sessions have not been paid for, you must pay for them before you can be successfully Discharged. 

"Just Friends" ??? The Value of Being Friends with Your Partner

DRAFT POST: Please DO NOT PRINT, SEND or RE-POST.

A Misnomer is "a wrong or inaccurate name or designation."  While some consider a Romantic Relationship to include Friendship; others do not.  Is it a Misnomer to say that "Healthy Relationships include Friendship"? 

     When someone says, "let's just be freinds...."  What does that really mean?"

  Might help to compare and contrast Friendships and Relationships

SONG: "Can We Still Be Friends?"

"Can We Still Be Friends

Song by

Todd Rundgren

We can't play this game anymore

But can we still be friends?

Things just can't go on like before

But can we still be friends?

We had something to learn

Now it's time for the wheel to turn

Grains of sand, one by one

Before you know, it's all gone

Let's admit, we made a mistake

But can we still be friends? (Can we still be friends?)

Heartbreak's never easy to take

But can we still be friends? (Can we still be friends?)

It's a strange, sad affair

Sometimes seems like we just don't care (ooh-ooh-ooh)

Don't waste time feeling hurt

We've been through hell together

(La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la)

(La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la)

(La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la)

(La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la)

(La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la)

(La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la)

(La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la)

La, la, la, la

La, la, la-la, la, la, la-la, la

Can we still be friends? (Can we still get together sometime?)

La, la, la-la, la, la, la-la, la

Can we still be friends? (You know life will still go on and on and on and on)

We awoke from our dream

Things are not always what they seem

Memories linger on

It's like a sweet, sad old song

(La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la)

(La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la)

(La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la)

(La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la)

(La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la)

(La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la)

Songwriters: Todd Harry Rundgren. For non-commercial use only."

What We Know:

"People who are friends with their partners tend to experience greater well-being and satisfaction in their relationships. Studies show that couples who view their partner as a best friend report higher levels of companionship, Inc.com. This is particularly true for married couples, where the well-being benefits can be significantly larger for those who consider their spouse their best friend. 

Here's why friendship in a romantic relationship can contribute to greater happiness:

Increased Companionship and Support: Having a partner who is also a close friend provides a deeper sense of connection, support, and understanding. 

Enhanced Communication: Strong friendships involve open and honest communication, which can lead to better conflict resolution and a stronger overall relationship. 

Playfulness and Fun: Couples who are friends enjoy spending time together, engaging in shared hobbies, and finding humor in everyday life, which can strengthen their bond and keep the relationship exciting. 

Reduced Stress and Increased Resilience: Having a strong friendship network, including a partner, can help individuals cope with stress and feel more resilient to life's challenges. 

Overall Well-being:  Studies suggest that strong social connections, including romantic partnerships where friendship is valued, are linked to higher levels of overall well-being and life satisfaction." (SOURCE).

  According to AI:  Many relationships include Friendship / Do Healthy Relationships Include Friendship? 

"Do healthy relationships include friendship?"

  "Yes, healthy relationships, especially romantic ones, often include a strong foundation of friendship. Friendship can foster intimacy, emotional resilience, and long-term satisfaction. Couples who prioritize their friendship are more likely to navigate challenges together and experience a relationship built on mutual respect and understanding. 

Here's why friendship is so important in healthy relationships:

Mutual Respect and Trust:  Healthy relationships are built on respect and trust, and these elements are often present in strong friendships. 

Support and Understanding:  Friends provide support and understanding, which can be invaluable during challenging times. 

Open Communication:  Friends often feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings openly, which can contribute to better communication within a relationship. 

Shared Interests and Experiences:  Friendships often involve shared interests and experiences that can create a sense of connection and intimacy. 

Personal Growth:  Friendships can offer different perspectives and encourage personal growth, which can benefit a relationship. 

Resilience:  Having strong friendships can make individuals more resilient to stress and challenges, both within the relationship and outside of it. "  (Source.)

 "Yes, a healthy relationship often includes aspects of friendship, such as trust, mutual respect, shared interests, and support. While romantic relationships involve a deeper level of intimacy and commitment, a foundation of friendship can enhance emotional intimacy, communication, and resilience in the face of challenges. 

Here's why friendship is important in healthy relationships:

Stronger bonds:  Couples who are also friends are more likely to enjoy each other's company, respect each other's ideas, and be more forgiving. 

Improved communication:  Friendship fosters open and honest communication, allowing couples to address issues and work through challenges. 

Enhanced intimacy:  Friendship enhances emotional intimacy, creating a deeper sense of connection and trust. 

Resilience in the face of adversity:  A strong friendship provides a solid foundation for couples to navigate life's challenges and setbacks together. 

Increased happiness:  Couples who prioritize friendship in their relationships tend to report higher levels of happiness and satisfaction. 

Long-term connection:  Friendship can help couples maintain connection and vitality throughout the years. "

What's the Value of Friendship?

  According to Psychology Today: "6 Rules for Healthy Friendships: If you can’t follow the rules, healthy relationships don’t stand a chance.

Posted September 24, 2018 |  Reviewed by Lybi Ma

"When it comes right down to it, there is no more valuable social capital than friendships. These are the relationships that can stand the test of time and distance and roll with the punches when things get a little dicey. Good friends, though, will give you the space you need when you need it, and love you just as much when you’re down as when you’re up, and when you’re broke as well as loaded.

Even in the best friendships, life can get in the way of frequent connections, but good friends can pick up a conversation months or even years later and feel as close as ever. It’s not the frequency of connecting that proves the strength of a relationship, it’s the depth of the connection and the mutual affinity and respect that are the hallmarks of its merit.

Following is a list of six plain and simple rules that women believe people will follow if they are to be counted as a true friend:

1. Support, trust, and honesty are givens.  Everyone needs a support network — and friendships are the bedrock of our social support systems. When you consider yourself the friend of another, you’re implicitly offering to be a part of her support network. If you’re a no-show too often when you’re needed, your value in the network declines at a rate in direct proportion to how great her need might be. If you fail to show up for her, you shouldn’t be surprised if she fails to show up for you. Friendships are built on mutuality and reciprocity — be there for her, so that she will be there for you.

If you don’t trust her, she’s not your friend. If she cannot trust you, you’re not her friend. If you share untruths or spread lies, you’re not her friend. It’s just that simple. Without trust, there is no authenticity to the friendship. If you can’t be straight with her or feel the need to hide your actions or tell untruths, the relationship is being built on shifting sand and won’t be able to withstand any real challenges.

2. Listen to your friends.  Too often, we only “half hear” what others are telling us — our own lives are so complicated that we have difficulty making space for caring about another’s experiences some days. However, friendships require attention and tending — if we don’t truly know what a friend needs, and if we don’t clearly state what we’re feeling or needing ourselves, friendships just won’t survive.

3. Ditch the judgment.  Good friends are able to acknowledge that everyone is human, and that true friends don’t judge each other’s choices. If you can’t handle friends who make decisions or choose lives that differ from what you feel is “best,” then you need to exit the relationship. Friends don’t have to necessarily “like” or “approve” of their friends’ choices, but good friends will accept their friends’ choices no matter what. And if you can’t handle the path your friend is traveling, it’s better to let the relationship go than to stand on the sidelines heckling your friend or shaming her for her decisions.

Another important and related request is that you assume the best and give your friend the benefit of the doubt. If you’re quick to assume the worst and ready to lay down blame, you’re not going to be the kind of friend that anyone wants for the long haul. We have to prove ourselves often enough on the job and in other situations; don’t make friendship a proving ground, as well.

4. Don’t talk behind a friend’s back.  There’s no rule that says you have to love what your friend is wearing, who your friend is dating, how your friend is raising her kids, or any other choices your friend is making. However, there is an unspoken rule that you don’t bash your friend’s choices to others behind her back. Gossip is a dangerous tool that women use to cement their own standing in a social setting. Gossip began as a tool that was used to protect people from making mistakes that others had made before them — Kind of like warning a friend, “Tammy cheated on her exam, and she ended up having to totally retake Algebra,” or “Matta ate the berries from the plant with the scratchy leaves and almost died.” Gossip was borne out of the desire to protect others, not harm the subject of the gossip. Unfortunately, gossip today is designed to damage the reputation of another, which is a 180-degree turnaround from its original purpose.

5. Respect your friends — and their boundaries.  Respect your friends’ boundaries as well as their stories. Some friends may have a difficult time letting people get close to them for fear of being hurt. Don’t crowd your friends — give them the space they need to feel comfortable, and let the relationship deepen over time. The beautiful thing about strong friendships is that they provide the freedom to communicate openly and honestly. However, being too quick to jump in and say exactly what you think — without taking time to reflect on whether or not you’re about to show judgment or efforts at controlling a friend’s responses — can do long-term damage to the relationship. While honestly is essential, tact and diplomacy are also important elements of upfront conversations.

6. Forgive where you can — and seek forgiveness when you screw up.  When you expect more from others than you expect from yourself, your relationships are not going to be nearly as enduring as you might hope. No one promises to bring perfection to a relationship, so being willing to accept and forgive the shortcomings of others makes it much more likely that you’ll build the kind of friendships that will last. It’s also important that we are able to acknowledge when we make mistakes, as well. If you’re able to admit when you’ve failed to hold up your end of the relationship, it’s a lot more likely that a friend will be able to forgive and move forward."

Healthy Versus Unhealthy Relationships  -- Are basically Healthy Versus Unhealthy Friendships...   Except of course... Relationships are like friends with benefits.

Watch this Video: "Healthy Versus Unhealthy Relationships"

https://youtu.be/Gn7ZQ2x0cOE?si=hua5f1cmK-vxJCv6

Watch this Video: " Differences Between Good Friends and Toxic Friends" 

https://youtu.be/J0brxU8tg2I?si=pvDod8tw7b-8jUn0

Watch this Video: "6 Differences Between Healthy and Unhealthy Love"

https://youtu.be/4c5dFcC4LNY?si=FsIjbQQFKLVHHsqZ

Watch this Video: "8 Habits of Healthy Relationships"

https://youtu.be/IwZlFG-3Y4o?si=oumtaXVtQ-XGyoEF

Watch this Video: "Toxic People: How to End a Bad Relationship"

https://youtu.be/wPwck0EQkgs?si=B1J1Isuoz09QC5TM

Watch this Video: "How to Get Out of an Unhealthy Relationship"

https://youtu.be/lv2q7LWSl8s?si=UQiRyiGCKQ9pdaXX

Sometimes it's more about who we picked, how we picked them and why we picked them; than it is about things we did after we picked them.

Draft POST -- Please do not COPY, PRINT or Distribute.

   Sometimes it's more about who we picked, how we picked them and why we picked them; than it is about things we did after we picked them.  

  A lot of times, at first it seems wonderful; and it may only grow in good ways from that point forward.

  But other times, we eventually find a sense of remorse about our choice.

  So how do we get into these messes?  

  Even just a brief AI-based search may shed some light on this. 

Mate Selection:

  "Mate selection in humans is a complex process influenced by both biological and social factors. Individuals are drawn to potential partners based on a combination of physical attractiveness, perceived intelligence, and shared values. Ultimately, mate choice is a personal decision shaped by individual preferences and cultural norms. 

Factors influencing mate selection:

Physical attractiveness:  Individuals often seek partners they perceive as attractive, influenced by evolutionary cues like symmetry and health. 

  (Facial Symmetry and Morphic/Body Symmetry matter).

Intelligence:  Both sexes tend to value intelligence in a partner, potentially reflecting the benefits of cognitive ability in resource acquisition and child rearing. 

Shared values:  Similarity in beliefs, values, and life goals can lead to greater compatibility and lasting relationships. 

Social standing:  Economic status, social class, and other markers of success can influence mate preferences, especially in societies where these factors are highly valued. 

Cultural norms:  Social and cultural factors, such as endogamy (marrying within one's group) or exogamy (marrying outside one's group), can significantly shape mate selection practices. 

Personal preferences:  Ultimately, individuals have unique preferences and criteria for selecting a partner, influenced by their experiences, personality, and desired relationship outcomes. 

Evolutionary perspective:  Evolutionary theory suggests that humans are driven to select mates who exhibit traits associated with good genes, health, and resource-providing ability. 

Females may be more likely to choose partners who demonstrate resources, intelligence, or other traits indicating long-term investment potential. 

Males may compete for access to females or seek mates who can provide resources or maintain a high-quality home environment. 

In conclusion, mate selection is a multifaceted process influenced by a combination of biological, psychological, and social factors. While some universal traits are valued across cultures, individual preferences and societal norms play a crucial role in shaping the choices individuals make when seeking a partner."

Video: "Why You're Attracted to Certain People" (Physiological view)

Video: "Why Are We Attracted to Certain People?"

How To Choose A Mate:    "How to Choose a Mate

Mate selection criteria exposed.

Posted November 25, 2009

  "What to look for in a mate? Have you chosen wisely? With respect to this issue, there are probably five factors in mate selection (choosing your life partner) that everyone uses - whether knowing it or not:

1. Mind: Is what he or she says interesting to you?

2. Eye: Does she or he appeal to your eye?

3. Heart: Does your heart feel love, and loved?

4. Stomach: In your gut, does it feel like he or she is a good person?

5. Behavior: Is her or his behavior good?

  Which of these factors do you think is the most important so that if that point was missing, the relationship would probably be doomed from the beginning?  It's clear that some people are only smitten if the person is brainy, and others if the person pleases and nourishes the eye. Still others are taken solely with being loved by the other so that the heart feels loved. In addition, there are those who need someone who is sincere and who conveys a sense of ‘goodness,' and that's all that seems to count. For some, the most important quality in choosing a mate is that the person's behavior should be good.

Of course, many people seek more than one of these qualities, and that clinches it for them; finally, many people want all of them.

However, in all likelihood, one of these factors is the one that can contribute most to the potential viability and longevity of the relationship. Number 5 is it - behavior, behavior, behavior. Character is behavior and vice versa. Without good behavior the relationship has a poor chance of working. For example, the person could be very bright and very attractive, you could feel loved by the person, and love the person, and you can see that the person is good and always means well. But if the person is an alcoholic and behaves in a way that facilitates that sort of addiction then the relationship would have a very poor chance, a poor prognosis.

Therefore, no matter what the person says or hopes to be, it's what the behavior is that tells the story.

From: Love Is Not Enough: What It Takes To Make It Work

 (Psychology Today has an Article about How to Choose a Mate: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/thinking-matters/200911/how-to-choose-a-mate)

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do --

*** DRAFT *** DRAFT POST.  PLEASE DO NOT PRINT, COPY or DISTRIBUTE.

When does DV Happen???

 "Many therapists urge battered women to leave those abusive relationships. Statistics warn, however, that the greatest violence often follows their departure.

  In fact, the Justice Department says the majority of domestic assaults reported to law enforcement take place after the couple separates.

  “The statistics are that women in abusive relationships are about 500 many times more at risk when they leave,” said Wendy Mahoney, executive director for the Mississippi Coalition Against Domestic Violence. “Domestic violence is all about power and control, and when a woman leaves, a man has lost his power and control.”"

Why do Couples Break Up?

  According to AI, "Couples break up due to a multitude of factors, but some common reasons include communication breakdowns, lack of trust, lost intimacy, financial problems, and incompatibility. Other contributing factors include disrespect, different values or goals, and abuse."

 "Common causes for breakups include personality differences, lack of time spent together, infidelity, lack of positive interactions between the couple, low sexual satisfaction, and low overall relationship satisfaction. Ending a relationship is one of the most difficult things we have to do." (Source.)

Neal Sedaka

Domestic Abuse Vs Normal Breakup: Understanding the key differences.

Primary Reasons Why Couples Break Up?

 "The most common reasons couples break up include lack of commitment, infidelity, excessive conflict, financial disagreements, and substance abuse. Additionally, issues like lack of intimacy, communication problems, and growing apart can also contribute to relationship breakdown." (Source.)

Why is Breaking Up So Difficult?

"Breakups are difficult due to a combination of factors, including the loss of a significant relationship, the emotional toll of the end, and the potential for long-term psychological impact. Factors like the length of the relationship, the depth of the emotional connection, and the specific circumstances surrounding the separation also contribute to the emotional intensity. 

  Why do Humans have such a hard time being alone?  

Here's a more detailed look at why breakups are so challenging:

1. Loss and Grief: 

Losing a relationship: Breakups involve the loss of a significant other, a shared future, and the routines and habits that have become part of daily life. 

Emotional investment: The more emotionally invested you are, the more profound the sense of loss and the more intense the grieving process. 

Shared plans and dreams: Breakups can involve the loss of shared plans, dreams, and hopes for the future, adding to the sense of disappointment and grief. 

Emotional rollercoaster: Breakups can trigger a wide range of emotions, including sadness, anger, loneliness, and even relief, making the process feel chaotic and overwhelming. 

2. Psychological Impact: 

Attachment style: Individuals with certain attachment styles (e.g., anxious or avoidant attachment) may struggle more with the transition and the uncertainty of a breakup.

Low self-esteem: People with low self-esteem may struggle with the thought of being alone or believe they won't find another partner, making the prospect of a breakup more daunting.

Fear of the unknown: Breakups can create a sense of uncertainty about the future, leading to anxiety and fear of the unknown.

Dependency: Financial or emotional dependency on a partner can make breaking up feel like a loss of stability and support.

Social pressure: Social pressures from friends and family to stay together or maintain a certain image can make it difficult to end a relationship. 

3. The Nature of Relationships: 

Comfort and familiarity: Long-term relationships often provide a sense of comfort and familiarity, which can be difficult to let go of when ending the relationship. 

The "good" memories: It can be hard to let go of the positive memories and experiences shared during the relationship, even when it's not working. 

Hope for the future: Some people may hold onto hope that things will improve, making it difficult to accept the need to end the relationship. 

4. Specific Circumstances:

Nature of the breakup: A break-up initiated by one partner versus one initiated by the other can impact the emotional experience, with some finding it easier to move on when the decision was made by their partner. 

Reasons for the breakup: The reasons behind the breakup can also influence the pain. If the relationship ended due to betrayal or abuse, the healing process may be more challenging. 

In conclusion, breakups are a complex and multifaceted process that involves a combination of emotional, psychological, and practical challenges. Understanding these factors can help individuals navigate the breakup process and support them in moving forward. "  (Source).

"For No One" No Longer Needs You

The Pain of a Break-Up:

  What do we do in order to avoide the pain???

  Rationalization

  Obliviation (Dranking and Drugging)

  La Oltra / El Otro (find a substitute) -- Temporary Fix

  Go Crazy  /  Psycho

  Try to keep busy / Workaholism

  Find Another Love

  Become an Envious Hater

  BE Jealous...  Do Bad Things or Settle for Bad Thoughts

  

You Would Like To Have A Healthy Relationship, Right? Ever Seriously Consider Equality -- In-Depth?

  If you would like to have a healthy relationship, you should probably start from a point of equality -- somehow.  

  Equality may be defined as: “The state or quality of being equal; correspondence in quantity, degree, value, rank, or ability.”   

  When it comes to DV, the concept of Gender Equality may also be pertinent.  Gender Equality may be thought of in terms of: "Equal treatment of women and men in laws and policies, and equal access to resources and services within families, communities and society at large.  

  As well as in terms of Gender Equity," or "Fairness and justice in the distribution of benefits and responsibilities between women and men. Programs and policies that specifically empower women are often needed to achieve this".   

  According to conventional wisdom in Domestic Violence Prevention, healthy relationships should -- at the very least -- exist and/or operate within a context of Equality between partners.
And this sense of Equality is theoretically enabled through the following behaviors and/or attitudes (as highlighted on the Equality Wheel from the Duluth Model): 

•       Non-threatening Behaviors

•       Respect

•       Trust and Support

•       Honesty and Accountability

•       Responsible Parenting

•       Shared Responsibility

•       Economic Partnership

•       Negotiation and Fairness  (see Duluth Equality Wheel)

*** Tiffany explains the Equality Wheel.

What NOT TO DO:

  Don't use Power and Control.  When considering these aspects of the Equality Wheel, contrast them with their corresponding aspects of the Power & Control Wheel, such as:

                           Intimidation

Emotional Abuse

Isolation

Minimizing, Denying and Blaming

Using Children

Economic Abuse

Male Privilege

Coercion and Threats

Let's Take A Deeper Look at The Equality Wheel!  

  Think about it: What does Equality Look Like In A Relationship?

    (Do you we this in our relationships?)

***The Equality Wheel -- A Different Perspective***

 (It's kind of like Doing to Others as you would have them do to You.)

  These attitudes or behaviors can have many different meanings to different people.  For the purpose of this project, we will view them in the following ways: 

•       Non-threatening Behaviors:  Means talking and acting so that she/he feels safe and comfortable expressing herself and doing things.  Reassuring your partner can be really helpful.

•       Respect:  Means "Listening to her (or him) non-judgmentally.  Being emotionally affirming and understanding.  Valuing opinions.  Means being open to being wrong. It means accepting people as they are.  It means not dumping on someone because you're having a bad day.  It means being polite and kind always, because being kind to people is not negotiable.  It means not dissing people because they're different to you.  It means not gossiping about people or spreading lies.  This would include "An ability to listen respectfully to the words and ideas of your partner without offering an opinion (good or bad) about what she/he says.  An ability to allow your partner to do what she/he wants with whomever she/he chooses without trying to control it, put a stop to it, or punish for it."

•       Trust and Support:    Means "Supporting her goals in life.  Respecting her right to her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions."  Trust may also be viewed as "A firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something" (Google Dictionary).  Support is means: "To help maintain your partner by providing her/him with emotional, tangible, and/or instrumental support at times when she/he is willing to accept it.

•       Honesty and Accountability:   Means  "Accepting responsibility for self.  Acknowledging past use of violence.  Admitting being wrong.  Communicating openly and truthfully."

•       Responsible Parenting:  Means "Sharing parental responsibilities. Being a positive, nonviolent role model for the children."

•       Shared Responsibility:   Means "Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work. Making family decisions together."

•       Economic Partnership:    Means "Making money decisions together.  Making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements."

•       Negotiation and Fairness:   Means "Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict. Accepting changes. Being willing to compromise."  Fairness may be defined as: "The state, condition, or quality of being fair, or free from bias or injustice; even handedness.”  Note: A "Fair" solution is not considered complete until both (or all) parties are satisfied. 

>>> But what if I'm not already doing all of these things in my Relationship?  

 >>> But what if my partner (or Ex-) is not already doing all of these things in our Relationship?

>>> So what might be a solution for that?  Might I be strong enough of a partner to go ahead and do these things for my own satisfaction; rather than waiting for my partner to do so first?

   *** Could it be that the best way for me to get my partner to treat me as an Equal; is to Treat her or him as an Equal?  It's that easy, right?  Maby not... but  it can work; if you work it.  One day at time.  If you cannot do it today; then try again tomorrow. It might take some time and effort... and patience and a whole lot of forgiveness... But we can do it!!! Right??? ***

  So What does it look like when a couple is treating each other with the values that are proposed on the Equality Wheel?

*** Please Click Here to Complete the Worksheet for this Topic. ***

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         Please note: Several Concepts (above) were described with help from other unnamed sources.

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).