Assumption: If I am here today because I got a Charge related to Domestic Violence; then perhaps it is because I have some sort a glitch in my thinking, my communications and/or perceptions when it comes to relationships. But if this glitch adjusted properly; I might be a lot less likely to have Domestic Violence in my life. Hence, it could be a great time to consider some sort of change in my life -- A change in the way I handle things such that I don't end up in a similar situation again.
One good question to ponder at this time could be: Am I up for making some sort of a change in my life and the way I conduct myself while in relationships?
If so, then what about making a Commitment to elimination of abusive behavior?
Admittedly, sometimes, we just cannot see to stop abusive behavior from happening. Other times, we know that we can. But what if it is me who is doing the abusing? Or even worse, what if it is me who is accused of doing the abusive behavior?
What can I do? Take accountability for it; Walk away; take a minute; Stop and think about it; Take nice deep breaths; Get some help; and/or Make a Change:
According to AI: "The likelihood of reoffending for a misdemeanor domestic violence offender is high, with studies showing rates as high as 53.5% within a certain timeframe. Several factors increase this risk, including a history of prior offenses (especially serious ones) and substance abuse.
Other studies indicate that one-third to over half of domestic violence offenders may be re-arrested for a new crime, though not always a violent one.
"These are results for what is the likelihood that a misdemeanor domestic violence offender will reoffend?
What might be some of the Factors that increase the likelihood of reoffending:
Prior criminal history: Offenders with previous criminal convictions are significantly more likely to reoffend.
Severity of prior convictions: A more serious prior conviction increases the likelihood of a new conviction.
Substance abuse: Offenders who violate sobriety orders have a much higher likelihood of reoffending.
Age: Younger offenders have been found to have higher recidivism rates.
Number of prior arrests: The more an individual interacts with the criminal justice system, the more likely they are to have future contacts.
Other Important Considerations include:
Varying recidivism rates: Different studies report varying recidivism rates depending on the time period studied, the population, and the specific metrics used (e.g., new arrest vs. new conviction).
Type of offense: While some re-offenses are for violent crimes, others may be for less serious offenses, such as probation violations.
Effectiveness of (DV Treatment) programs: The effectiveness of common court-mandated batterer intervention programs in reducing recidivism is debated, as some research suggests they do not significantly reduce re-offense rates or change attitudes about violence, though this area is still being researched" (Source).
The bottom line is that many of us need to be open to making positive changes in our lives in order to avoid committing more domestic violence against the people who we say that we love.
Speaking of Change:
Realistically, what percentage of people who have done abusive behavior in their past are willing and capable of making such a change?
Serenity is often thought to be a combination of accepting the things that I cannot change, I would like to be able to have the serenity to do this:
- having the Courage to change the things that I can change, and
- having the Wisdom to know the difference between things I can change and things that I cannot change.
Rhetorical Question: Which among these is the most important then -- Serenity, Courage, or Wisdom? Or do we truly need all three of them? They kind of work together to form one, though -- right? If so, then we probably need all three.
Now, think about a given relationship with potential for Domestic Violence; If having had a prior DV Event -- and/or a prior DV Charge is a Risk Factor, Can I change that Risk Factor? Or is it permanent? This is what is known as a Static Risk Factor, because one cannot change the past.
However, one probably can change whether or not the potential still exists. Or perhaps another way to look at it, is that one can probably change how high one's Risk is for DV in the future. For example, if alcohol is one's major Risk Factor, then one could possibly change his or her potential for DV by Drinking or Not Drinking Alcohol.
What about making changes within a given relationship? Could one make changes within the relationship that could possibly impact the future probability of having DV in that relationship? Yes, possibly. However, it may require that both partners want to make a change.
However, if only one person needs to make the change, then it might only take one of the partners to make the changes. But generally speaking, both partners might need to be involved in the change.
So what does it take to make these changes?
- A Curiosity about what needs to be changed.
- (Being willing to ask the question.)
- A Desire to make the change.
- Support to help one work through the change.
- The Knowledge and Skills needed to get through the change.
- The Right Tools for the Change (i.e., Help from others, patience, commitment, and perhaps even courage...).
In some cases, courage could be the main ingredient needed to make the right change. But what makes Courage. What is Courage Made of:
Well, Audre Lorde was known to have said, "When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid" (From Inspiring Quotes by Women).
Sounds like Changes might require courage, wisdom and commitment.
So what does Courage really have to do with it?
- Courage makes it easier to get through the good and the bad.
- Courage helps one know when one needs help.
- Courage helps one ask for help.
- Courage helps one honestly consider and even accept some of the critical ideas of others.
- It takes Courage to really listen to one's self.
- It often takes Courage to know the difference between the things I can change and the things I cannot change.
- It may take courage to change the things that I can change.
- It could take courage to make the necessary and desired changes that will help one move forward; rather than backwards.
- It may take serenity to Accept things I cannot change.
- And it probably takes wisdom to know the difference between the things that I can change and the things I cannot change.
- Quitting alcohol or drug use.
- How one handles their anger.
- One's attitude.
- One's peer group.
- How one thinks about certain things.
- How one reacts to certain things.
- How one feels about certain things.
- One's level of accountability.
- The degree to which one tries to blame others for their own problems and their own regrettable decisions and behaviors.
- One's behavior. The courage to change how I act.
- What one does or does not do.
- Physical Courage
- Social Courage
- Moral Courage
- Emotional Courage
- Intellectual Courage
- Spiritual Courage
Discussion Questions:
Question #1: In what was has your sense of Courage helped you make changes that have helped you recover from having Domestic Violence in your life?Question #2: What is one enormous Change that you feel like if you could make it -- it would go a long way towards helping you never again have any Domestic Violence in your life as a victim?Question #3: What is one enormous Change that you feel like if you could make it -- it would go a long way towards helping you never again have any Domestic Violence in your life as a perpetrator?
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