Attitudes And Types Of Thinking That Might Support DV-Type Behaviors: And How To Avoid Them

  Obviously, the things that we Humans do -- or Our Behaviors -- tend to be dictated by OUR Decisions and or Choices that we make.  And our Decisions and our Choices are typically based on our Perceptions about what is going on, Our Values, Our Beliefs, Our Attitudes, Our Desires, Our Needs, Our Intentions, and Our Thinking.

  Whenever we get into trouble of any kind, it is usually because of a Choice that we made and the Thinking and/or Behavior that we did prior to making that choice.

  Hence, if our Values, Beliefs, Attitudes, Thinking and Behaviors are those that somehow permit us to act in negative ways or even to commit DV, then we will likely choose to act negatively or to Commit DV -- even if we did not know at the time that it was DV, or that it was illegal.

  As a Mental Health Therapist and a DV Prevention Counselor or Treatment Provider, I have seen and heard many different types of thinking and attitudes from people who have gotten DV Charges (See below).  

  And I feel it is really important to know that this is not about anyone feeling ashamed; rather this is about people getting a really good look at some of what tends to under-pin or motivate DV-type Behaviors.  This way it can hopefully be prevented.

  And by the way, these are also things to watch out for in prospective future partners.

Beliefs, Attitudes and Thinking that Could Lead to DV

  This Lesson is about Learning about some of the Beliefs, Attitudes and Thinking can lead to DV or at least to some very negative patterns of thinking and behavior.  This is not to point anyone out or to pick on anyone in particular.  But below is a list of possible Less-Than-Helpful Thoughts and Attitudes that might sometimes lead to trouble.

  So, first lets take an inventory of sorts, asking the question: What are our possible Attitudes And Types Of Thinking That Might Support and/or Promote negative behaviors or DV: And How can we possibly Avoid Them?

  So, Which of these thoughts below seem familiar to you?

  (Items marked with an * are items that might just as commonly be found among women as men.)

* -- Thinking that Relationships are Permanent and that they will Never Change.

-- Thinking that I Own her (or him).

* -- Thinking that I Have a Right to Control Who She (or he) Talks To or Spends their time With.

-- Thinking that I have Privileges that she (or he) does not have.  Like going out and drinking with friends. 

-- Thinking that it is My Right to Control All of The Money -- especially if I earn all the money.

* -- Thinking that I do all the work around the house.

* -- Thinking that I am in a Position to Judge Her (or Him) About Almost Anything that they do or that they Believe.

-- Thinking that Because She's Female (or He's a Male), She (or He) is Somehow Less than I am.

* -- Thinking that Because She has (He has) Committed to this Relationship with me That I Don't Have to Respect them 100% of the Time any more.

* -- Thinking that I can Use The Kids To Get Her (or Him) To Do What I want them to do.

* -- Thinking that Because She's A Woman (or He's a Man), they are Automatically Responsible for Certain Things such as Cleaning the House, Cooking and Watching the Kids -- or even putting gas in the in the Car, doing the Yardwork, or Keeping a Steady Job.

-- Thinking that I have a Right to take Sex from Her (or Him) any time I want to because she is my wife (or He is my Husband).

* -- Thinking that if I suspect (or even think I know) that they are Cheating on me, that I have a RIGHT to know any of the details --- much less ALL of the details.

* -- Thinking that I get to determine what is FAIR, and what is not FAIR for us regardless of how she (or he) feels about it.

* -- Thinking that it is My job to Teach Her (or Him), to Mold them, or to Make them do things the way I Want her them to do them.

* ? -- Thinking that whenever we disagree, that it must be settled asap, and that one of us has to be right and the other one has to be wrong.

-- Thinking that I am more powerful than her (or him) just because I am bigger, stronger and know how to fight better.

* -- Thinking that Because we are together or even married; I have a Right to make her (or his) Family and others butt out of our business.

* -- Thinking that Because She (or He) has me, they do not need to have anyone else in their life -- like no friends, no nothing....

* -- If she (or he) already has kids from before; thinking that their other kids are somehow NOT my responsibility and that they should not be treated as well as we treat the children that we share.

* -- Thinking that Because She (or He) chose to leave me; I have a Right to Alienate them from our children -- or from our friends, my family, or from anyone or anything else for that matter.

* -- Thinking that my behavior when I am stoned or drunk or even blacked out does not count.

-- Thinking that Because I make the money, she (or he) has no need for Education, Training or even a Job.

* -- Thinking that I have the Right to Control where she (or he) Works and With Whom they Work.

* -- Thinking that I have a Right to look at her (or his) Phone -- such as to see if she they are "cheating" on me.

* -- Thinking that When I am Angry, I have a Right to break anything around the House as long as it is something that I Paid For.

* -- Thinking that Because She is a Female (or He is a Male), that they are not as Smart as, or as Honorable as I am.

* -- Thinking that doing things the way my own Family did them is the way it has to be.

* -- Thinking that I have a Right to do things that I Like, even if they hurt their feelings.

* -- Thinking that it is okay to verbally Disrespect or Threaten Her (or Him) as long as I do not hit them.

* -- Thinking that it is acceptable for me to intentionally make her (or him) Jealous and make them believe that I am seeing someone else just to manipulate them.

* -- Thinking that I have the Right to Manipulate Her (or Him) by Threatening to Kill Myself if they don't do what I want them to do right now. 

* -- Thinking that I have a Right to Call Her (or Him) Names.

* -- Thinking that If I Accuse Her (or Him) of Cheating, or even Catch them Cheating that it will Solve anything.

-- Thinking that Because I am Bigger or Meaner or Stronger or Smarter or Cuter than Her (or Him), that I get to make significant decisions (I.e., Choosing a place to live, buying a vehicle, or even naming a child) without also seeking their Approval.

* -- Thinking that I have a Right to Humiliate her (or him) in front of others (or even privately), in order to get them to do what I want.

-- Thinking that it is Okay for me to emotionally or physically hurt or Threaten to hurt or neglect the Kids or the Pets when we are not getting along.

* -- Thinking that I am in a Position to determine what my partner is Really thinking or feeling.

* -- Thinking that it is understandable and acceptable for me to say and/or do hurtful and/or destructive and/or embarrassing things when I am Angry.

-- Thinking that it is Wrong to get help from a Family Member, Counselor, Therapist, a Good Friend, Doctor or Minister when we -- as a couple -- or even when either one of us -- as individuals -- are experiencing serious problems.

* -- Thinking that it is okay for me to use our funds to purchase Alcohol or Drugs -- especially if I have an Addiction -- and even if we do not have money for our basic needs.

* -- Thinking it is normal for me to NOT Trust her (or him) -- especially around people of the opposite sex.

* -- Thinking that it is Acceptable for me to live off of her (or his) Public Assistance Entitlements such as Food Stamps, Housing, Tan-F or Disability without contributing.

-- Thinking that as a Man (or Woman), I have "needs", Hence I have a Right to take a Mistress or a Sancha (Sancho) if they do not sexually please me the way I want them to.

-- Thinking that it is Okay for me to keep, play, watch or listen to offensive and/or demeaning Music or Videos in the Home, or in the presence of Her (or Him) and/or the Kids.

-- Thinking that as the Man (or Woman), it is My Role to intentionally use my Power Over them, or to Subjugate and/or Dominate My Partner, or even the Kids in order to Teach them to Respect Me.

-- Thinking that while in this Relationship, it is Acceptable for me to keep company with people or even family or friends who are disrespectful toward Women / (or toward Men) or toward Children in general and/or specifically toward Our Children and/or my Partner.

-- Thinking that Because I am the Man (or a Woman), I can single-handedly make important decisions regarding our Children (such as school, sports, church, or medical treatment etc...) without even considering the feelings of my partner.

-- Thinking that it is Okay for me to Yell and Scream in My House because I feel Angry -- even if it is scary for others when I do so.

-- Thinking it is Acceptable for me to Drive in a Scary Way when I am Angry.

-- Thinking that during times when we are Troubled, Arguing or Fighting, that I have a Right to mess around with, Clean, Display, Brandish, Train, or even Practice with a Weapon -- such as a handgun -- of any kind particularly in the presence of, or even on the same property as My Partner and/or the Children.

-- Thinking that She (or He) does not have a RIGHT to Love or even to Like any other person of the opposite Sex as much as they like or love me.

  

  CAN YOU THINK of ANY MORE???

  No doubt there are more out there.  RIGHT???

Some Ideas or Principles about Preventing the Attitudes and/or Preventing the Thoughts that might constitute "DV-Type Attitudes", "Thinking" or "Behaviors" --  that might be DV include:

1. Always know that you and your Partner are basically Equals.  You might not always notice their worth, but it is there.  Neither of you is more important as a Human than the other.  Treat your Partner like an EQUAL Partner -- for as long as you are partners.

2. Always show RESPECT for your Partner and for the Children in every way possible.  But above all, Respect yourself ...  Always strive to find ways where BOTH you and your partner can feel respected.  

3. Obtain and Maintain a firm grasp on the separation of things that you CAN Control from the things that you CANNOT Control.  Don't try to control things about your partner that you cannot control.

4. Work hard to develop a Strong Sense of Empathy for your Partner and for your Children.  Learn about what makes them tick and definitely learn about what makes them tickle.  Remember, if it is flies that you want; Honey attracts more flies than Vinegar.

5. Learn how to Communicate -- and learn that Listening is the MOST IMPORTANT Part of Communication.  And in a Crisis type of argument with your Partner or with your Kids -- if it is physically safe to do so, ALWAYS try to sit down and listen fully to their point of view.  Then work to negotiate and even compromise a Fair Solution.  This way you will never be perceived as threatening.

6. Remember that Fairness is not Fair, unless you both agree that it is Fair.  

7. Commit to always being HONEST with yourself and HONEST with your Partner.  But be careful what you say, when you say it, and how you say it.  Think before you talk.

8. Do the Best you can for your Partner -- every time -- FOR YOUR PARTNER.

9. Never Use the Children in any way to Hurt, Insult, or Relay negative messages to your partner; or to your Ex.  

10. Always be Accountable to Your Self and to your Partner.  Be willing to sit down and listen to your partner's concerns and be as prompt as you can be in the efforts to take accountability for things that you have done.

Discussion: 

  

  What do you think?  

  Do I see myself in any of these descriptions.  Do I -- or Have I -- thought of or done any of these things?

  What kinds of thoughts and feelings might underlie these types of attitudes and thinking -- this "DV Thinking" that I have had?

  Where do we learn these types of thinking and attitudes -- this "DV Thinking"?  Quite possibly, I learned it from my Family, from Friends, From Society, or even from my own Cognitive Distortions

  What could be the effects of such Thinking and Behaviors -- this "DV Thinking" -- on my partner?

  What could be the effects of such Thinking and Behaviors on our children?

  What could be the effects of such Thinking and Behaviors on other people?

  What could be the effects of such Thinking and Behaviors on Me?

  Finally, when I think or behave this way  -- with this "DV Type Thinking" --  does it really work for me?  

  Does it work for anyone?  Probably not.  

  Does it get me what I want?  No.

  So, Why do I do these things?  

  Perhaps I will never really know why.  

  But what I can do is I can try really hard to change my own Thinking, my own Attitudes,  -- my own "DV Thinking" --  and my own Behaviors.  

 

  And then I can try to move forward with a different type of thinking and a different attitude as well. 

  And perhaps then, things might work out better for me and for my partner and for our kids. 

  What do you think?  

  ***Please CLICK HERE To Complete your

Helpful Thoughts and Attitudes Worksheet!***

Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  

*** Also, please Click Here complete your Session Feedback Form for today's Session.

And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.       

 

* Please Click Here to Work on Another Treatment Plan. *

About Paying for Sessions...

PLEASE CLICK HERE TO PAY VIA PAYPAL!

(Originally posted 4/19/2021)

Musica:

Right Place; Wrong Time (Dr. John)

Can't You See... (Marshall Tucker Band)

South City Midnight Lady (Doobie Brothers)

Love on a Two Way Street (The Moments)

Thank you.  And have a nice day.

What is Love? And How Might a Better Understanding of Love Help Us Avoid or Even Prevent Domestic Violence?

  I think we can all agree that romantic relationships, marriages, romantic partnerships are largely about finding love and perhaps, hopefully even keeping love -- for the duration...  But it seems we rarely ever really stop to think about what Love really is.

  It's to say that we all want LOVE.. and why is that???  Possibly if we are loved, then we belong... right?  And humans really do tend to want to belong to someone else; and / or something else like a group, a family, a club or a religion or whatever.... its usually good to belong......

So What Is Love?

  Think about it: What is love?  When I say "I love you" to my partner"; what do I really mean?  If I say that; what am I really trying to say?  And what does Love look like across different circumstances -- like how does a parent love a child versus how a boy loves a girl; much less how a girl loves a boy?  Today, we are going to explore this together.

  Some people believe that Men and Women tend to love each other differently,  One “Study author Elizabeth Schoenfeld, a researcher at the University of Texas in Austin, found that while men show love by initiating sex or sharing activities together, wives express love by being less assertive and more accommodating.”  On the other hand, "There aren't too many real gender and sex differences between men and women on the whole," said Stevie Yap, a researcher in the department of psychology at Michigan State University in East Lansing, according to HealthDay.  "If you look at the overall research, gender differences don't usually hold up." (Source).

  Whether it is for Men or Women; it seems that many (if not most) Humans have a strong desire to somehow find and experience love in their lifetimes.

How does Love Change as We Mature?

  “Our love moves from the higher arousal emotions of interest, amusement, and joy into the calmer positive emotions of serenity, gratitude, inspiration, and awe.”

  As we move from passionate to companionate love, “our levels of adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin get back to their normal state,” Rowbotham says.

  “They’re replaced by oxytocin, a hormone that’s released as a result of the physical closeness we experience with our partners.”

  Oxytocin, the “hug hormone”, calms you down and makes you feel more connected to your partner.

  According to one study, oxytocin can also make a person consider their relationship in a more positive light.”  (Source).  

  

But what is Love?  Let's look at some different ideas about love and definitions related to Love.

Quotes about Love found in the Holy Bible:

   “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”   (1 Corinthians 13:4). 

          “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man." (Proverbs 3:3-4).

     “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." (Ephesians 4:2).

     “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8).

     “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." (John 15:12).

     “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." (Corinthians 13:13).
   

     According to the Teachings of The Buddha: 
    
“Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity.” 

 “You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” 

      “Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.” – Buddha


     And According to Islam:

    "The laughter of our spouse is one of the best sounds in life. Always try to make them smile and keep them happy In ’Sha’Allah"

     "Love is shown in your deeds not in your words"

     "A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other."

 
     Per Hinduism:

       In Hinduism, kāma is pleasurable, personified by the god Kama. For many Hindus schools it is the third end in life.

       In contrast to kāma, prema or prem refers to elevated love. Love in Hinduism is sacrament. It preaches that one gives up selfishness in love, not expecting anything in return.

  It also believes "God is love". A sacred text named Kanda Guru Kavasa quotes, " Oh holy Great flame, Grant me with love.. You said the spreading love is Para Brahma, For the thing which is everywhere is only Love, And Love is the only thing which is like a soul within us, Love is Kumara, Love is Kanda" This simply means Love is God.

  The love of the Hindu deity Krishna with Radha and many other gopis (milkmaids) of Vrindavana is highly revered. His amorous dance with the gopis became known as the Rasa lila[50] and were romanticised in the poetry of Jayadeva, the author of Gita Govinda. These became important as part of the development of the Krishna bhakti traditions worshiping Radha Krishna.[51]  (Source).

 

      For the Sikhs:

        In Sikhism, love means love for the Lord and His creation. This is one of five virtues vigorously promoted by the Sikh Gurus. The other four qualities in the arsenal are truth (sat), contentment (santokh), compassion (daya), and humility (nimrata). These five qualities are essential for a Sikh and it is their duty to meditate on and recite the Gurbani so that these virtues become a part of their mindset.

  Love is a positive and powerful tool in the Sikh's arsenal of virtues. When one's mind is full of love, one will overlook deficiencies in others and accept them wholeheartedly as a product of God. Sikhism asks all believers to take on godlike virtues, and this perhaps is the most godlike characteristic of all. Gurbani teaches that Waheguru is a "loving God" full of compassion and kindness. It is the duty of the Sikh to take on qualities of this nature and to easily forgive, never hate anyone, and live in Waheguru's Hukam and practise compassion and humility.”  (Source).

“Eight Different Types of Love (According to the Ancient Greeks):

       “Eros” or Erotic Love.  The first kind of love is Eros, which is named after the Greek god of love and fertility.  Eros represents the idea of sexual passion and desire.”

       “Philia” or Affectionate Love. The second type of love is philia, or friendship. The ancient Greeks valued philia far above Eros because it was considered a love between equals.”

       “Storge” or Familiar Love.  Although storge closely resembles philia in that it is a love without physical attraction, storge is primarily to do with kinship and familiarity. Storge is a natural form of affection that often flows between parents and their children, and children for their parents.”

       “Ludus” or Playful Love.  Although ludus has a bit of the erotic Eros in it, it is much more than that. The Greeks thought of ludus as a playful form of love, for example, the affection between young lovers.”

       “Mania” or Obsessive Love.  Mania love is a type of love that leads a partner into a type of madness and obsessiveness. It occurs when there is an imbalance between Eros and ludus.”

       “Pragma” or Enduring Love.  Pragma is a love that has aged, matured and developed over time. It is beyond the physical, it has transcended the casual, and it is a unique harmony that has formed over time.”

        “Philautia” or Self Love.  The Greeks understood that in order to care for others, we must first learn to care for ourselves. This form of self-love is not the unhealthy vanity and self-obsession that is focused on personal fame, gain and fortune as is the case with Narcissism.”

        “Agape” or Selfless Love.  The highest and most radical type of love according to the Greeks is agape, or selfless unconditional love.”

Per Dr. Beverly: 

  “Love is the willingness & the ability to accept, admire, respect & possibly even cherish someone for the way they are right now, & right now, & now, & right now, & now…and as you both move into the future....”

What about Love Across Cultures?

“Given love is a divine thing, let us try to know how people in different cultures express their love to their dear and near ones :

France: According to experts, the dating landscape in France is quite different than the rest of the world. The French usually say ‘I Love You’ to their partner within two months of dating or relationship. Not only that, people introduce their lover to friends after a few dates and parents in between one to three months.

Japan: Surprisingly, Japanese language does not have any exact phrase that can be equal to ‘I Love U’. The closest phrase to ‘I Love You’ is “ai shiteiru“. Still this phrase is not necessarily voiced in a serious relationship. Therefore Japanese people uses other expressions to show their feelings or affection for their love.

Iraq: In Arabic, the word ‘ahibbik’ represents both love and like. Iraqi men in general pronounce this word to their love on their first meeting.

South Korea: Koreans do not say ‘I Love You’ much to their partners. They usually avoid expressing feeling verbally. As per experts, when anyone feels that he or she are in love, they get aware of it. That’s ok for them. But this tendency is increasingly changing thanks to the exposure to western cultures and movies.

Iran: In 20th century, a man saying ‘I Love You’ meant proposing a woman for marriage and is followed by his family meeting the woman’s parents to talk about their wedding. However, things took an ugly turn around 1979 when Islamic revolution brought in new social rules and started punishing couples who were not related to one another.

Nowadays when a man says ‘I love you’ can mean he is ready to take their relationship forward. Both Iranian men and women in general use this words to show their feelings to each other.

China: In the country, men in the age group of 20-35 usually say ‘wo ai ni’ to women as a sign of showing love or affection. Before saying the phrase, the couple can hold hands and hang out together but perhaps refrain from having intimate acts or publicly accepting each other as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Expression of one’s fondness or likings to others may surely be different from culture to culture. But the taste or eternal meanings of love is quite the same regardless of every single person.“ (Source).

Love and Domestic Violence: 

  Surely Love and DV are definitely NOT complimentary actions.  But yet, they sometimes seem to happen in the same relationships.  How does this happen?  Is it possible to have DV with someone that one loves?  Or, is it practical to believe that when there is Love, there is never Domestic Violence? 

  And if you now feel more confused about what Love is than when you started this little study here, then it appears that you got the message.

*** PLEASE CLICK HERE TO COMPLETE 

              YOUR "TYPE OF LOVE"  WORKSHEET *** 

(Quotes about Love in the Bible.  Retrieved 12/30/2017 from: https://www.theknot.com/content/bible-verses-about-marriage.).  (Types of Love According to the Ancient Greeks.  Retrieved 12/30/2017 from: https://lonerwolf.com/ different-types-of-love/).

(Quotes Compiled by Dr. Beverly, June 2018 and February 2022)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).