Valentine's Day and Domestic Violence -- What does Valentine's Day Mean To You? A Process Approach

NOTES>>> DRAFT >>> DO NOT DUPLICATE!  

  Valentine's Day and Domestic Violence -- What does Valentine's Day Mean To You?  A Process Approach

  One thing for certain: There are few things more natural than two Humans pairing off together... and doing what they do...  If nothing else, it keeps the species going.  And by the way, Animals do it too.. kind of...  (I think....)

  But unfortunately, for those who are not doing it...  That is pairing off together ---  it can feel empty, left out... rejected, neglected and down right out of place.

Valentine's Day and Domestic Violence --  Now how the heck could those two things be related to each other...

  "Some people get into Domestic Violence situations on Valentine's Day because the other person is expecting special attention.. some affection, a gift, or maybe even flowers... and a CARD!....    But it doesn't always come through that way -- does it...  

  Otherwise, this day could turn into a fighting day and that could yield some DV.  Or if nothing else... it might become a good reason for someone to break up with someone else.

  This is a hard topic... it tends to stir up feelings.... Why?

Unrealized expectations...  ?

So what is so special about Valentine's Day? 

From the Article: “Violence and Valentine's Day: A brief reprieve from abuse.”

  “This Valentine’s Day, whether you are in a happy, loving, committed relationship or you are one of the many people who will be celebrating “Singles Awareness Day,” one of the things that you may be thankful for is a brief reprieve from domestic violence.

  Although there is anecdotal evidence that Valentine’s Day is connected to a spike in domestic abuse, according to the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, Valentine’s Day is actually one of three days where there is actually a slight decrease in reports of domestic violence (the other two are Thanksgiving and Christmas).

  This is a tiny bright spot within a very dark issue that usually only comes to light when a celebrity has been caught on tape abusing their partner or because someone who you have never heard of has been killed after years of abuse.

  Sadly, domestic violence is overwhelmingly common in the United States. Twenty people are physically abused by their partners every minute. Nearly 5 million women are victims of physical abuse by their partners every year and over 38 million women in the United States have experienced physical intimate partner violence in their lifetimes.”  (Source).  

How do you feel about Valentine's Day???

You say... Valentine's Day is Made Of what???  

  Love, Happiness, Candy.. Sweetness... Appreciation, Gratitude..  Gifts...  Recognition, Intimacy..... Sexual Intimacy.. Victoria's Secret makes a fortune on Valentine's Day....

  Or Valentine's day could be sad and lonely for a lot of people as well...

  Perhaps when these things happen.. and people experience painful rejection... loss.... fear... sadness...  Lots of pain.

  So perhaps all this could be avoided... if we each... just show a little kindness... 

  Being kind to the person you are with is not a bed thing.. Being extra nice to your children or family... and maybe even celebration of the relationships that you are gifted with.....  Or .. it could be celebrating a friendship... with anybody... or some other type of relationship.. such as the one that St. Valentine might have felt like when he chose NOT to deny his belief in Jesus which cost him his life...  (Maby Valentine's Day is about a Love that one cannot deny....)  For he was killed for refusing to give it up or renounce his love for Christ even under the penalty of death.....  

  On the other hand, some might think that Valentine's Day should be ignored, or minimized..

  One person even said, "I think Valentine's Day is Stupid!"

She continued, "There should not be just one day to dedicate or to get or to give chocolates... Rather it should be a consistent effort from both sides...  To me.. I like little things that are consistently done by each other to show their love for you..   Add a surprise just to make you happy or smile..  it should not be just ONE day out of the year and also it does not have to be EVERY day either."

So let's take a DEEPER DIVE -- What is the Origin of Valentine's Day:

  “The "Feast" (Latin: "in natali", lit.: on the birthday) of Saint Valentine originated in (what was called) Christendom and has been marked by the Western Church of Christendom in honour of one of the Christian martyrs named Valentine, as recorded in the 8th century Gelasian Sacramentary.” (Source).

Who was St. Valentine?

  “The very brief vita of St Valentine states that he was executed for refusing to deny Christ by the order of the "Emperor Claudius" in the year 269.” 

  “Saint Valentine (Italian: San Valentino; Latin: Valentinus) was a 3rd-century Roman saint, commemorated in Western Christianity on February 14 and in Eastern Orthodoxy on July 6. From the High Middle Ages, his Saints' Day has been associated with a tradition of courtly love.  He is also a patron saint of Terni, epilepsy and beekeepers.[2][3] Saint Valentine was a clergyman – either a priest or a bishop – in the Roman Empire who ministered to persecuted Christians.[4] He was martyred and his body buried on the Via Flaminia on February 14, which has been observed as the Feast of Saint Valentine (Saint Valentine's Day) since at least the eighth century.[5]

  Relics of him were kept in the Church and Catacombs of San Valentino in Rome, which "remained an important pilgrim site throughout the Middle Ages until the relics of St. Valentine were transferred to the church of Santa Prassede during the pontificate of Nicholas IV".[6] His skull, crowned with flowers, is exhibited in the Basilica of Santa Maria in Cosmedin, Rome."  (Source.).

How did Valentine's Day start in the US."

"Valentine's Day is named after Saint Valentine, a Catholic priest who lived in the third century. The exact origins of the holiday are not clear, but it is believed to have originated as a Christian feast day to commemorate Saint Valentine."  (Source).....  

  What is the deeper meaning of Valentine's day?  (Could it be that The martyr Valentine who died for refusing to deny Christ... was basically like Christ reportedly loving the people and the Church for ever -  like a wife.).

The Deeper Deeper Meaning Behind Valentine's Day 

  "It is about sacrifice and devotion, love and honor, in the face of overwhelming and dangerous odds.  While making your Valentine's Day plans, remember St. Valentine who was willing to give his life in pursuit of love and marriage, and ask yourself if you would be willing to do the same for those you profess to love." (Source.).

"One is the Loneliest Number..."  Dealing with Valentine's Day as a Single person or a Non-Attached Person:  Let's Try A PROCESS APPROACH -- a good way to work through your feelings

  As noted above: Few things in human life are more natural than pairing off.

  Thus unfortunately, to some people, if a person is not paired off, there's something wrong with them...  Which is not always the case.

  So What's it like if you do not have anyone on Valentine's Day?  Do you Celebrate "Singles Appreciation Day"..

  Some people suggest: "Make February a Month about you... Give yourself things.. not everybody else...  (A time to learn how to practice Radical Acceptance). 

  Radical Acceptance (Radically accept the moment you are in and the past.

Radical Acceptance Video: By Wackett 

Questions to Ponder: 

  What is One Little thing I could Change in my Life that might improve how I feel on Valentine's Day?  

  Have you ever considered Serenity.  

  What feelings does Valentine's Day bring up for you?

  Ever felt really sad or left out or like a Loser on Valentine's Day?

  Valentine's Day without my Valentine -- Seriously??? 

  What is it like to feel like there is someone out there who will never give up on you?

  Is there someone out there who you will never give up on?

  Isn't it nice when both people feel that way?

Let's go back a little bit:

  What are your Earliest MEMORIES OF Valentine's-Day?    

  Did they contain... Acceptance, Surprise, Rejection, Loneliness, or Sadness?  Or something else? 

  What might it be like Accepting My-Self on Valentine's Day... just the way I am?

  What do you plan to do for your partner or for yourself on this Coming Valentine's day?

Now: How Can I Move Forward?

  Perhaps, First: Accept where I am RIGHT NOW!  Re-asses my situation and myself.  Think of my Good Qualities.  Think positive.  Be open to the possibilities.  Problem solve.  Keep at it.  Whatever you do... Don't give up!

  If your feelings and emotions are getting the best of you, please watch this video about Emotional Regulation:

  Hey, Check this out this Article by Taryn Herlich!

 “Valentine’s Day and Abuse:  The Emotional Ties Between The Two”

“Valentine’s Day can be difficult  for survivors of domestic violence. Our society has marketed this day towards happy, healthy couples and for individuals who have faced abuse, it can make this day feel rather disheartening. Social media is often full of unrealistic presentations of happy couples and this can create feelings of unworthiness, provoking individuals to ponder their own decisions. When Valentine’s Day and abuse come together, the emotions can get complicated.

Moreover, many survivors who do leave an abusive relationship may face what’s known as Stockholm syndrome after abuse. This is essentially when you feel compassion for your abuser and struggle to get over the break-up as you still miss being with them. On Valentine’s Day, it can be extremely easy to fall into a cycle of reminiscing on the positive times you had with this person, because let’s face it, even an abusive relationship can have good days. That’s essentially what keeps survivors holding on. They hope one day this person will change, and focus on the fond memories they may have had at the beginning of the relationship. During a pandemic, it can be especially challenging, as there is little distraction to help dissipate these thoughts and in some cases, triggers.

 So, let’s find ways that Valentine’s Day can be a day full of self-love rather than sorrow. This day should be about admiring your inner strength, and celebrating you as a wonderful individual deserving of recognition.

1. Write a love letter to yourself

A personal love letter is a great way to reflect on life, and recognize all the qualities that make you special and unique. It’s similar to telling yourself positive affirmations which help re-frame negative self-talk. The more you tell yourself that you are worthy, kind, smart, and a good human being, the more your mind will believe it. One of the first steps to healing is self-love and a love letter to yourself is a great way to begin or continue the process. This article on Glamour has some amazing examples of letters survivors wrote to themselves.

2. Participate in self care

Why not make Valentine’s Day about treating yourself! Relax and do what makes you feel good. Self care can be as small as doing your makeup (something many people actually find therapeutic) to colouring, writing, taking a bath, going for a walk, speaking with your therapist, or even unplugging from social media.”

3. Be around those you love

We’re in difficult times as the pandemic is still present. However, if you live with friends or family that you like, try initiating a movie or dinner night, and have a fun day of celebrating the ones you love! This day isn’t only for celebrating romantic relationships. If possible, go on a socially distant outdoor walk with a friend to switch things up.

4. Take advantage of the day full of chocolate and bake something delicious

Baking is another act of self care and for many, is extremely relaxing and a great way to unwind and relieve stress. Not only are you creating something delicious but baking actually allows you to express creativity.

5. Call a helpline if you begin to have upsetting thoughts and feelings

There is no shame in calling a helpline on Valentine’s Day. If you need that extra bit of support right now, you should absolutely reach out and get it. Sometimes having someone who doesn’t know you, listen to your problems can be a great relief.

6. Be gentle with yourself

Remember, it’s okay if you feel certain upsetting emotions on Valentine’s Day. Your feelings are valid, and normal so don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re only human and quite frankly doing the best you can. In fact, just reading this article is such a wonderful step. You are loved, and so worthy.

If you are currently in an abusive relationship, we recognize how challenging this day can be and how it can be even more difficult to leave on the days leading up to it. There is a pressure that Valentine’s Day will solve certain issues, and that with flowers, chocolate, perhaps a necklace, this day can be special and peaceful. We recognize that you may be holding onto those grand gestures, those moments of kindness, and that on this day your heart yearns for some form of love. The pressure of any holiday can make it harder to leave, especially the ones that are based on love. Know that you are worthy of kindness and respect. This is not your fault, you are not alone, and you are appreciated and loved. Please, seek support by involving a trusted family member or friend, and contact a hotline that can help guide you in leaving (we will have them listed below).  If you’re in immediate danger call 911."

(Resource Link For Helplines In Canada:   https://www.dawncanada.net/issues/crisis-hotlines/

Sources:  https://www.allure.com/story/valentines-day-guide-for-domestic-violence-survivors"   (https://www.vestasit.com/valentines-day-and-abuse/).

Other Possible Solutions Could Be: 

What is Valentine's Day a Day of:

Have some Hope

Give someone a nice Card.. or even a Picture you drew..

a Watercolor you painted.. or a Poem you just wrote... Today!

Give Love

Share Warm Greetings

Keep on Wishing

Show Appreciation

Give people Happiness

Other Solutions to Valentine's Day Disappointments;

About: Radical Acceptance (Radically accept the moment you are in; as well as the past.)

Other Solutions to Valentine's Day Disappointments; Emotional Regulation...

DBT Skills: Emotion Regulation and Calming Your Emotions

If experiencing uncomfortable and overwhelming emotions.

Identify and Name my emotions and tell myself it's okay to feel that way.  Or Acknowledge and Validate the emotions.

Manage and then learn ways to Regulate our Emotions. 

Discussion Questions:  

1.  What does Valentine's Day Mean to you?

2.  What would be the best Valentine's Day outcome for you?

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(c. William T. Beverly, Ph.D.).

Core Principles in Healthy Relationships -- And How to Prevent Domestic Violence

This is a DRAFT POSTING.   Please do not PRINT, do not COPY, and do not Re-Post.

Core Principles in Healthy Relationships -- And How to Prevent Domestic Violence

Assumption: If a relationship is Healthy there will not be any Domestic Violence -- 

What does a healthy relationship look like:

• "I don't think it exists"
• Communication
• Understanding
• Trust
• Faith in each other.  
• Takes two to work on it  
• Relationships need work (Understanding, Trust for sure, A desire to make it work)
• Both can be Right at the same time
• Possibly some Faith in God (Humility)
• If you find the right person, you can fall into it.  (When two people fit each other)
• Compromise
• Ability to overcome preconceptions - Ability let go of prejudices.
• Similar Values.
• Religious compatibility.
• Same wave-length.
• Honesty
• Respect
• Altruism / Charity / Ability and Willingness to do Good.
• Humility
• Willingness to Grow  (Focus Group ... In DV Groups)

How does DV contribute to Relationships Failing

"More than one-third of women and one in 12 men have experienced intimate partner violence in their lifetime , according to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey. Anyone would agree that’s too many. If you’re asking yourself what you can do to help, read on. Below, 10 steps you can take to help stop domestic violence in your community.

1. Know the signs. Domestic violence can happen to anyone—white, black, young, old, rich, poor, educated, not educated. Sometimes violence begins early on in a relationship and other times it takes months or even years to appear. But there generally are some warning signs. Be wary of the following red flags an abuser may exhibit at any point in a relationship:

• Being jealous of your friends or time spent away from your partner
• Discouraging you from spending time away from your partner
• Embarrassing or shaming you
• Controlling all financial decisions
• Making you feel guilty for all the problems in the relationship
• Preventing you from working
• Intentionally damaging your property
• Threatening violence against you, your pets or someone you love to gain compliance
• Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to
• Intimidating you physically, especially with weapons

2. Don’t ignore it. Police officers hear the same thing from witnesses again and again—I heard/saw/perceived domestic violence but didn’t want to get involved. If you hear your neighbors engaged in a violent situation, call the police. It could save a life.

3. Lend an ear. If someone ever confides in you they are experiencing domestic violence, listen without judgment. Believe what they are telling you and ask how you can help, or see this list of 25 ways to help a survivor.

4. Be available. If someone you know is thinking about leaving or is in fear the violence will escalate, be ready to help. Keep your phone with you and the ringer on, make sure you have gas in your car and discuss an escape plan or meeting place ahead of time.

5. Know the number to a nearby shelter. You never know who might need refuge in a hurry. Keep numbers to shelters (find local shelter numbers here) and the National Domestic Violence Hotline in your phone (800-799-7233).

6. Check in regularly. If a loved one or friend is in danger, reach out regularly to ensure his or her safety.

7. Be a resource. Someone experiencing violence may not be able to research shelters, escape plans or set up necessities like bank accounts and cell phones while living with his or her abuser. Offer to do the legwork to help ease stress and keep things confidential. Here’s a list of items a survivor may need to take with them.

8. Write it down. Document every incident you witness and include the date, time, location, injuries and circumstances. This information could be very useful in later police reports and court cases, both criminal and civil.

9. Get the word out. Assist a local shelter or domestic violence organization in their efforts to raise awareness in your community. Or use your personal connections to start a grassroots campaign. Organize talks at your workplace wellness fair, HOA meetings and church groups.

10. Put your money where your mouth is. Use your power as a consumer and refuse to support the culture perpetuated in music, movies, television, games and the media that glorifies violence, particularly against women."

(Source).

For Prevention of DV -- Core Principles:

Healthy Relationship Tips: How to Have a Good Relationship.  Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of mutual respect, trust, and open communication, where both partners feel supported, safe, and equal. Key principles include setting healthy boundaries, embracing individuality while staying connected, and managing conflict through constructive, honest dialogue. Commitment to mutual growth and nurturing affection are essential for longevity. (Mark Manson)

Core Principles of a Healthy Relationship:

Mutual Respect: Partners value each other's opinions, feelings, and boundaries without trying to control or change one another.

Trust and Safety: A secure environment where both individuals feel physically and emotionally safe, allowing for vulnerability without fear of retaliation or judgment.

Open Communication: Proactive, honest, and kind communication, including active listening and expressing needs directly rather than expecting partners to guess.

Equality and Compromise: Decision-making is shared, and both partners contribute equally to the relationship's maintenance and conflict resolution.

Independence and Individuality: Maintaining personal hobbies, friendships, and self-care routines outside of the relationship to avoid codependency.

Support and Empathy: Encouraging each other's goals and offering compassion during difficult times.

Constructive Conflict Resolution: Addressing disagreements calmly and respectfully, focusing on solutions rather than winning arguments.

Appreciation and Affection: Regularly expressing gratitude and affection to keep the connection strong. 

(Johns Hopkins University)

How to prevent Unhealthy Relationships .. prevent DV and have Good ones.:

Be able to identify healthy vs unhealthy relationship

Learn about what is a healthy vs. unhealthy relationship (From healthy sources)

Psychological concepts are not always very well understood.  Kepep it simple.

Remember that people are complex and unique.

Respect boundaries

Don't be so controlling

Don't be defensive or unable / unwilling to communicate

Call out unhealhty behaivors ina healthy way.

Don't just disappear -- 

Own your own bad behavior.

Get perspective

Get out of Denial -- Stay out of Denial

Keep in touch with supports (Healthy supports) (Frinds, trusted adults, support lines, formal suposrts).

Healthy relationship sloook like communication.

Trust.  Being abel to be vulnerable, trusting, comfrtable with eiach toher.

SImple things like listening, taking in other people's interests.

Knowing each other's boundaries.

Giving each other tips on how to improve each other.

(_Source)

Videos:

THE IMPACT OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ON LEARNING

Kids Taught to Prevent Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence Awareness

A Strategy for Domestic Violence

Expert shares tips on preventing domestic violence incidents

Stopping Domestic Violence

Prevent Interpersonal Violence

DIscussion Questions:

1. What would be at least one thoughtful -- yet brief response to describe each of these Characteristics (listed below) of a healthy relationship) ?

Core principles  of healthy relationships? 

Core Values,  of healthy relationships?  

Core Skills of healthy relationships? 

Core Goals of healthy relationships?  

Core Objectives of healthy relationships? 

Core Characteristics healthy relationships