Making Choices About Relationships -- How Important is it to Make a SMART Choice Regarding Our Relationships?

  When you make an important choice in your life, what do you go through... ?  

  Some folks think that Relationships just happen automatically -- or even magically.  Like I'm just walking along one day and BOOM!!! Cupid done hit me with an Arrow.... and I'm in love.  

  Ain't no stopping me now!  

  Other times, we feel comfortable; or even obligated due to having a shared history or something like that.

  What is this about relationships that a person will pretty much risk their livelihood -- if not her or his life -- in order to be in one?  Why are relationships sometimes so difficult and/or so impactful?  

  Sometimes or Somewhere among the ponderings that we go through while crying through the shambles of a broken relationship we start making choices, don't we?  Even in the Break-Up Zone we are making choices.  But then a lot of folks don't think about it this way; so what comes next seems like it could be nothing, a make up, a break up, or a new relationship -- or even just a distraction.

  So, How about Relationships -- Do our troubles just come to us automatically; or do we help create them?  So this gets us to thinking doesn't it...

  Do I make SMART Choices regarding Relationships?  Sometimes, yes.  But No, Not always.  Right?

  Can we agree that it is time to start Making Smarter Choices regarding our Relationships -- So what is a SMART Choice anyway?

  

What is A Real S M A R T choice?  Well it starts with the following tools here            (Spell it out -- SMART):

BEFORE YOU GET INVOLVED IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP or 

BEFORE YOU MAKE THE NEXT BIG DECISION IN YOUR EXISTING RELATIONSHIP consider the following:

S -- Be Sort of Selfish.  -- Think about your own needs first... (Wants and Desires come later). What are my needs?  Don't ever get into a relationship just because THEY want you to.  What if I make a bad choice?  

  NEVER be so afraid to make a change that you are stubbornly stuck with a poor choice.  Realize, you are there by CHOICE.

M  -- MAKE sure you go for a Healthy Relationship -- NOT just a fling -- Unless of course a fling is all you really want.  But be sure to protect yourself.  Either way, always try to choose the Healthier Road.  Before you make a choice; be sure it is a choice you can live with (and hopefully thrive with).

A   -- Remember, to make A smart choice.  Assess the Potential Pros and Cons first -- before you act.  -- Always do a Cost-Benefit Analysis (Hint: Always Analyze the potential costs first).  Look at the Risks first.

R  -- Always Respect Yourself and Respect your potential partners -- no matter what happens.  Respect is the name of the game in healthy relationships.  Remember: Whenever DV Happens, someone is probably disrespecting someone.  And it might be the other person or themselves or both.

  And then finally...

T  -- Trust your Instincts, and your Desires, and your Attractions -- but NEVER do so, prior to conducting a thorough empirical analysis.  (Empirical means that you separate what you KNOW from what you THINK you KNOW).  Get REAL.  DO NOT go against Reality.  Know as much as you possibly can about what you are getting into before you get into it.

               Finally, Slow Down!  Don't go so fast... We have all day.

  Sometimes the person who we are when we first meet someone else is a good bit different from the person who we become while in the relationship.  

  Sometimes this might be good.  

  But other times -- all too many times -- this can be tragic.

For example: 

  Did you ever wish you could stop and really examine how YOU are in long-term Relationships?  Like who do I become when I get involved?

    Or 

  Have you ever even really looked at how your prospective partners might be in a long-term Relationship -- before you get into the relationship with them?  

  If you answer is "No", then realize that this is a pretty natural thing.  It is natural for humans to want to find mates.  And sometimes we feel so awful after losing one mate that we are not as selective or choosy as we should be in selecting the next potential mate.  Why?  Because we are in such a hurry.

  Hence, we end up in trouble again -- sometimes BIG Trouble!  

  If you don't like getting into trouble, then perhaps it could be beneficial to develop some good insights into why your relationships sometimes turn out the way they do -- whether good or bad?

  And it seems logical to assume that one of the greatest influences on how we behave in relationships could have something to do with the kind of person we are in relationships.  Or with the type of person we are with -- if there is a difference.

  So whether I am already in a Relationship; or I am not currently in a Relationship but I want- or don't want to be in that Relationship; questions around the idea of What Type of Person I am; and What Type of Person I might like to have in my life can be very important.  Exploring this might help us for a number of reasons.  It could definitely give us some useful insights.

  So, Did I ever really stop to think: What Type of Person am I?  

  When I am in a Relationship, do I tend to feel, think, react or act in certain ways that either encourage the relationship to last; or even destroy the relationship before it's time?  

  A very honest look at this can quite possibly bring a bounty of wisdom.

  But then we really must remember that it takes two to have a relationship.  

  So it's not only about me and how I think, feel and behave.  But it's also about my partner and how they think, feel and behave.

  All of this begs the question(s): 

-- What Type of Person am I? 

-- What Type of Person Would I Like to Have in my Life? 

-- And what exactly do I want and need in a Relationship?

  Like am I the type of person that brings out the furious anger in a mate?  -- Not that it's my fault if they are abusive though.  

  Or ...  Do I just have a tendency to push a few too many buttons sometimes?

  Or ...  am I a person who is easy to love on a daily basis?

  

Think about it:  

What kind of person are you? 

Are you easy to live with? 

Are you an easy lover? 

Or Are you difficult to handle? 

If so, do you want to change that?  

The first step to changing anything is to have a good understanding of what is going on with you.

Or, Look at it This Way:  Another related set of important questions could be:   

  What kind of person would you like to have in your life?  

One who is easy to live with? 

One who is an easy lover? 

Charming? 

Or one who is difficult to handle .... and challenging... or perhaps a little drama here and there?

  Then Maybe One Should Ask -- What are some of the characteristics of a person (self or other) who is Easy to live with for you?  

  Or Ask -- what are some of the characteristics of a person who is NOT Easy to live with for you?

  In other words: What do I really want a person to be like that I would want to get involved with? 

  And then ask, What would that person want me to be like if we were in a relationship?

 After this, one can even go on to think about what exactly do I feel like I need in a Relationship?  And other things like that as well.

  And Thinking about these things before diving deeper into an existing relationship can be pretty wise; or before striking up a new relationship as well.  This might help us to avoid pitfalls as well as help us to have better relationships in the future.

This is a good time for a TOOL (No, not that kind of tool!):

Relationship-Related Qualities (Good and Bad) That Some People tend to have:

  Try considering this Partial List of Relationship-Related Qualities (good and bad) that some people tend to have in Relationships.  Then for each quality ask yourself a couple of questions: 

•   Does this quality describe me and how I am in a Relationship?  And/Or...

•   Does this quality describe the kind of person I would like to be with in a Relationship?

•   OR... is this the kind of person who I would LOVE to be like in a relationship; OR in a relationship with... but it just never seems to happen that way?

Here's THE LIST:   Ready???

Industrious

Creative

A Follower

The Leader

A Good Lover

A Hater

Kinda Freaky

A Straight Edge

The Worker

A Good Parent

An Adult Child who has not yet worked through it.

Brutally Honest

A Nice Person

The Helper 

The Martyr (Always the Victim)

Very Serious (But NOT Stalker Status)

A Jokester

Really Smart

Somewhat Destructive

The Neat-Freak

A Slob

A Collector (But not a Hoarder)

The Hippie (how about the Old Hippie)

Delicate

Durable

Jealous

A Dancer

Somewhat Courageous

Narrowly-Focused

Broad-Minded

Sex-Appeal

Passive

Aggressive

Passive- Aggressive

Submissive

Straight Up

Laid Back

Religious / Spiritual

Daddy's Little Girl / Mama's Little Boy

Relatively Independent

Talented

Easy-Going

Futuristic

Frugal

Cheap

Wasteful

Dwells on the Past

Forgiving

Humble

Fretful

Confident

Generous

Stingy

Always Punctual

Lackadaisical

Motivated

Waiting to be told what to do

A Real Go-Getter

A Gaming Addict

A Disappointment

The Cheater

El Borracho / La Borracha

Attractive or Cute

Loyal

Very Political

Single-Minded

Foolish

Wise

Prideful

Lazy or

Modest

  -- So First, we go through this list (or another list -- you can add to it if you like) and we figure out some good information about who we are.  Am I any of these things?

  -- And then next, we go through and think about who we really want in our life?

  This is probably a useful exercise because some people can be extremely easy to get along with at first.  But once they get into the relationship, they can be really hard to deal with.  And it truly does not have to be that way.

  In other words, it can be heartbreaking when one learns that the person they got involved with is nothing like the person who they thought they were in the beginning.  

So Again: Think About It.  What type of person are you in a relationship?  

And what type of person would you like to be with in a relationship?

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Natural Law And Family Violence: A Proposal for Prevention of Domestic Violence

What is Natural Law and 

  What does Natural Law have to do with Family Violence?

  Philosophers, Physicians, Politicians, Warriors, Planners, Theologians and other Leaders discovered (or realized) the concept of Natural Law a very long time ago.

  It seems that one way to put it is that the Natural Law of Human Kind is to Survive and Grow through many different and perhaps even difficult circumstances over time from generation to generation.

  Another part of Natural Law includes the idea of helping others to Survive and nurturing their Growth as well.  

  Natural Law is largely about the following values / virtues being shared among Humans.  These include: Respect, Honesty, Trust, Altruism, Survivorship, Service to Selves, Service to Others and Service to our Communities, Stamina, Love, Forgiveness, Acceptance, Strength, Fortitude, Character , Sacrifice for the greater good, Humility, Hope, Charity, Faithfulness and other qualities as well.

  "Natural law is an ethical theory that claims that humans are born with a certain moral compass that guides behaviors. These inherited rules essentially distinguish the "rights" and "wrongs" in life. Under natural law, everyone is afforded the same rights, such as the right to live and the right to happiness" (Source).

  Simply put: Dr. B. Proposes that Family Violence (DV, Child Abuse, Animal Abuse and Neglect are Unnatural.)  Hence, if we follow Natural Law, then we will not be committing Domestic Violence.

  Some say that Natural Law is about Discovering Right versus Wrong, instead of Inventing what is Right versus What is Wrong.  What's the difference?  We are thought to have essentially been born with the potential to develop wisdom to know Good from Evil.  We Discover these things as we grow.  However, we do not Invent Good or Evil.

  Although our Basic Rights are set forth in the Declaration of Independence, The Constitution and the Bill of Rights were clearly written by men and women who were inspired by Natural Law; Natural law should not be confused with American law, religious law, scientific laws, or the laws of the jungle.   

  In a way, In the USA, Our Rights come from Natural Law.  And Our Laws come from our Rights.  Natural Law has been a significant part of the USA since the beginning.

  Throughout Humanity for millennia, we as Humans have probably felt commanded by our conscience to do not harm... and to care for the young, the poor, the sick, the disabled, and the frail elderly as well.

  Theoretically, Natural Law assumes we all have a sense of morality (eg., A sense of what is Right and what is Wrong) from what all humans have in common.

  For example, Victor Frankel, a Concentration Camp Survivor postulated that Natural law inspires us to have Meaning and Purpose...  Natural law will remind us that we -- as Human Beings -- have a purpose (Source).

  Further, Natural Law suggests that we are all following our higher nature when we follow natural law.  "Natural Law theory posits that by adhering to its principles, humans are essentially acting in accordance with their inherent, "higher" nature, which is understood as a set of universal moral values accessible through reason and embedded within human beings themselves" (Source).   

  One might assume from that that we all have Good Nature.  And that we are all capable of being "Good Natured."  

  "Good-natured" means having or showing a pleasant, kindly disposition, and can also imply cheerfulness or helpfulness. Good-natured people are often characterized by being patient, tolerant, and forgiving, and are not easily angered or frustrated. They are also often described as being "laid-back" (Source).

  In Nature, humans share a great deal: We all drink water, We all have desires, We all have a drive to survive and for the most part, we all have hope.  Under almost any circumstance; whether conscious, unconscious, infant or elderly frail, every human being seems to have a will to try and survive whether it's by simply breathing and taking in fluids or actively feasting at the banquet of life.

NATURAL LAW AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:

  Today's discussion is about the comparison of modern day domestic violence related thought and an ancient concept known to human beings as "natural law."

  Natural law is largely about human beings reaching there positive potential and about human beings enabling themselves and each other to reach their highest possible level of achievement, happiness, contentment; all the things that they would reach naturally were they not impeded by all the negative energy that exists between people and in far too many so-called relationships.

  If domestic violence includes physical, emotional, verbal, social, digital, sexual, and economic violence towards one person from another then please tell me what types of domestic violence conform with natural law?

  

  Is it natural for two adult human beings who say they love each other to cut each other down, to call each other names, to lie to each other, to spy on each other, to cheat each other out of possessions and time, or to put each other down, to talk badly about each other, to make each other feel bad with guilt over things nobody could help or prevent, to dominate each other, or to be manipulative and passively aggressively hurtful to each other?

  Is it natural for two human beings to want to make each other cry, to want to hurt each other, and want to put each other in a position where they have pain?

  Is it natural for two adults who claim to be a couple, to lie to each other, to mistrust each other, to trick each other, to prevent each other from having things that each other likes and wants, to be envious of each other, or to hold resentment toward each other?

  Finally, is it natural for two human beings to hit each other, to want to beat each other physically, to physically intimidate each other, to embarrass each other, to physically dominate each other, too want to kill each other, to rape each other, to keep each other's children away from the other, or to talk badly about each other to other people including to the children?  

  Is any of this Natural?

  The evidence that these behaviors (above) go against Natural Law is in the answer to the following question(s)? 

• How do any of these behaviors (above) help anyone involved feel better about themselves?
• How do any of these behaviors (above) help improve the lives of anyone involved? 
• How did any of the behaviors (above) help our children to grow up to be healthier and happier?
• How do any of the behaviors (above) make our physical, emotional, economic or social habitat any better?
• How did any of these behaviors (above) help improve the Human Condition?

 So, if we are NOT supposed to do the Bad things; What are the Good Things:

  In short: Prevention of all Family Violence (or Domestic Violence) is an essential task in Human Nature.  Why?  Because the more DV there is; the more likely people will lives shorter, more miserable, less productive and less fulfilling lives.  The more DV there is; the less likely people will make a positive difference in their own lives, their families, the communities and Society as a whole.  Finally, the more DV there is, the more likely the Violence and Disrespect will continue from generation to generation until it infects all of Humanity and creates a Violent World where Safety simply does not exist anywhere.

  St. Thomas Aquinas wrote: "The master principle of natural law, was that "good is to be done and pursued and evil avoided." Aquinas stated that reason reveals particular natural laws that are good for humans such as self-preservation, marriage and family, and the desire to know God" (Or a Higher Power whether it be Spiritual or Rational in Nature).

  Some basic goods according to Natural Law include items such as life and health, knowledge, work and play, the appreciation of beauty, friendship, and religion.

  "For Finnis, there are seven basic goods; life, knowledge, sociability of friendship, play, aesthetic experience, practical reasonableness and religion. Life involves all aspects of vitality that enable a person to gain strong willpower." (Source).

  "In natural law, a good person does what they think will bring them good and avoid what they think is bad. This is a basic tenant of natural law, as articulated by Thomas Aquinas, who believed that what is good and evil is derived from human reason." (Source).

  "According to the natural law theory, what makes someone a good person is their ability to fulfill their true nature and obey moral laws derived from nature or God's commands." (Source).

  On the other hand, AI says: "According to natural law theory, a good person is someone who fulfills their true nature by acting in accordance with the inherent moral principles embedded within human nature, not simply by obeying the laws of the land, as the "true nature" aspect is considered more fundamental to the theory" (Source).

Follow the attached Audio/Video for more about Natural Law:  

Audio on an Introduction to Natural Law from the The Thomistic Institute: "Does Nature Make Laws?  An Introduction to the Natural Law Tradition."

Video on Natural Law Theory: Crash Course in Philosophy.

What Happens When We Violate Someone Else's Rights?

  Think about it this way:  When a Person is Arrested for Allegedly Committing Domestic Violence; it is a Temporary Suspension of his or her Rights.  And the Allegation is that he or she has violated the Rights of his or her partner.  It's as simple as that.

We ALL Have Rights:

  Everyone in the United States of American has Rights.  
 But this brings up two important questions: 

1. Are my Rights Always Respected?  and,

2. Do I Always have to Respect the Rights of Everyone Else?

  But what are Rights anyway?  Now that I know I have some Rights, I might as well learn about what they are.
  One definition of Rights is as follows
"Rights are legal, social, or ethical principles of freedom or entitlement; that is, rights are the fundamental normative rules about what is allowed of people or owed to people according to some legal system, social convention, or ethical theory."

  When The United States of America was founded, the founders gave all of it's people certain Rights. (Note: However, all people in the U.S.A. did not their Rights respected for almost 100 years.  For examples, The Slaves did not have their Rights respected equally.  And even in 1960's, the decendents of Slaves and other African Americans were still asking that their Rights be respected because they were not always respected.  Further, Women in the U.S.A. did not have their Rights broadly respected for decades either.  For the most part.  In the beginning of the U.S.A., it was the Rights of wealthy Land Owners who's Rights were respected.

  Nonetheless, in 1776: 

  The U.S. Declaration of Independence stated the following, 

•   "We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men (and including Women) are created equal, that they are endowed (for given) by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights (unalienable means, these Rights can never be taken away by another human being), that among these (Rights) are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness….” US Declaration of Independence.

  The Declaration of Independence was penned by Thomas Jefferson (a Virginian) with the learned direction of Benjamin Franklin (of Pennsylvania), and John Adams (of Massachusetts).  Each of these people -- along with a diverse group of many  other Colonists -- made tremendous contributions to the founding of the United States of America.

The Long Road to Truly Inclusive Independence:

  As mentioned above, the road to truly Independence required a few more steps -- such as those that explicitly recognized the Rights of People of Color and of Women.

  Almost 200 years later, it was reported that a learned Advocate for millions of oppressed people of color in the USA had informed the President of the United States of America that this Advocate (Dr. Martin Luther king) and the people he represented truly needed their Dignity and that they were hoping that this President could somehow help them attain it.

  This President did his best with Laws to help these people find their Dignity; however, there came a point where the Laws could only be as effective as the people themselves would allow them to be. 

  In other words, there came a point where these people needed to accept the Dignity that they already had and to make choices to do what they saw fit in order to pursue the happiness of which they had long dreamed.  The Road to Justice is often a very long journey. 

What is so Important about Dignity?

  One definition is that "Dignity is the right of a person to be valued and respected for their own sake, and to be treated ethically.  This is of significance in morality, ethics, law and politics as an extension of the Enlightenment-era concepts of inherent, inalienable rights" (Wikipedia).      

  Others have argued that in the U.S.A., dignity does not need to be given out -- nor is it able to be handed out from one person -- or a government -- to a given person.  However, a bad Government clearly can try to take away the dignity of the people.  We gave seen that over and over again throughout history.
  The Fact is that dignity is essentially covered by the above phrase of the Declaration of Independence.  And further, Dignity -- per the Declaration -- is such that every person is "created equal" and that every person is "are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights"; meaning that Dignity is something that is given to every person by their Creator (Whoever they view thier Creator or God to be) when they are created. 

 

  Further, it notes that these Rights (Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness) are unalienable -- meaning no one person or Government can take them away permanently without the proper legal process.

  Each person in the U.S.A. has a Right to live and to choose the path that she or he wants, and to pursue the happiness that she or he feels is on that path, as long has their journey does not in some way deprive another person of Life, Liberty or the Pursuit of Happiness.

Now, What do Rights Have To do With Domestic Violence?

  When it comes to trying to understand how one gets charged with Domestic Violence, it is very important to understand and accept that if we violate another person's Rights, we might be Charged and consequently arrested because of the possibility that We Have Violated that person's Rights.  
  Also to be considered are the manner in which we Violated their Rights, as well as Who's Right was Violated.  

  Theoretically, when ever someone is arrested, it should be because they have violated the Rights of someone else.

  Think about it:  

• What was your Charge?

• How does this relate to anyone's Rights?

• How was the Arrest itself related to your Rights?

  It's like this:  At the start of anything; Everyone involved has their Rights in-tact.

But then, say one person hits another person.  They they have just violentedly disrespected the Rights of the person that they hit.

  Then the Police come along and they Arrest the person who hit the other person.  And the person who was Arrested sees his or her own Rights suspented under an Emergency Custody Order (or an Arrest Warrent) until a Judge comes along and decides what to do about each person's Rights -- 

In Other Words, Think about it this way: What Rights?     

  Ideally, Everyone -- Every Single Person regardless of her or his Color, Ethnicity, Ability, Wealth, Public Position, Physical Ability, Gender, Employment Status, Self-Identification or their level of Education -- in the U.S.A. has a Right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

• What are our Rights to Life?  Think about it:  
• What does this include? 
• Perhaps it includes Freedom from anything or anyone who physically compromises his or her Life.  (This might include freedom Injury (physical or mental))

• What are our Rights to Liberty?  Think about it:  
• What does this include? 
• Perhaps it includes Freedom from anything that physically or mentally holds her or him back.  (This might include trying to keep him or her from walking away.  Might even include trying to keep her or him from advancing her or his education or training or career.)  You have the Right to do what you want to do with your life.  Just so in achieving this goal, you do not ever violate another person's Rights.

• What are our Rights to a Pursuit of Happiness?  Think about it:  
• What does this include? 
• Perhaps it includes Freedom from anything or anyone who tries to keep him or her from seeing another person in a Romantic sense.  (This might include keeping her or him from doing something that she or he feels could make her or him happy.  
• In pursuit of such Rights of the other person; An Officer of the Law could determine that it is a violation of Rights for yet another person to be stalking or threatening this person or her or his new lover.  
• This might even include when one's current partner tries to erase other peoples' (like other men's or other women's) names out of his or her phone in order to keep her or him from contacting another person that she or he has decided that he or she now likes (or even loves)).

• (Please Note: There are other explanations or descriptions for these Rights as well as well as other Rights to consider.  Please see other listings of Rights below)

And Keep In Mind That: 

  Whenever a person is arrested, and charged, this is because in the eyes of those who are administering the Law (Police and Prosecutors), the reason for the Arrest and/or Charge is because the person who was arrested (The Subject) was Arrested because he or she allegedly violated the Rights of another person. 

  The Charge Sheet should list specific Codes from the Law that were allegedly violated.  And each one of those Codes in the Law is supposed to be directly tied or at least backed up by or even jive with those Basic Rights as Listed Above -- the Rights to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

  Additionally consider that one might get a separate Charge for each Right that one Violates as well as each time one Violates another person's particular Rights.

Rights in the Home:

  Also, one should try and remember that you and your partner each have Equal Rights.  Neither of you has more or fewer Rights than the other -- regardless of Religion, Sex, Race, Color, Ethnicity, Class, Socioeconomic Status, Gender, Addiction, Education Level, Physical Size, Income Level, or Moral Standing, or any other characteristic.

  Finally, many Americans used to think that inside of their homes, they had special Rights.  And perhaps we do.  However, we still must always respect the Rights of everyone else whether they are inside of our homes or not.

 

Under What Circumstances May I Violate Someone Else's Rights?  

• Truly, probably NEVER, except when it is in an effort to save a life; and that is very rare.  Keep in mind that the argument of "Self Defense" really must have with it proof that one person is being attacked in a potentially very harmful way; one has no other way to avoid the situation, and one only uses enough force to stop the attack.  

What if My Rights Were also Violated?  

  The Police (and hence, the Courts) typically separate physically, and on paper, the alleged Offender from the alleged Victim.  In other words, if you are an alleged Offender in their eyes; it is difficult to get those same police in that situation to charge the other person with something.

Who Has Rights?

  In short, everyone in the U.S.A. has Rights.  There is some argument regarding this -- particularly in relation to Illegal Immigrants or Undocumented Immigrants; however, according to the U.S. Constitution, 14th Amendment, Section 1., it says,

•   "All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the state wherein they reside. No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or imunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws." (U.S. Constitution).

Can One Lose His or Her Rights?

  When someone violates another person's Rights, or there is probable cause to suspect that they have violated another person's Rights; some of the alleged violator's Rights (i.e., Liberty) might be suspended temporarily by Police, a Judge, or a Magistrate.  This is what happens when one is arrested. 
  However, these rights must be reinstated within a certain amount of time; unless the situation is reviewed by a certain type of Judge or Magistrate, who then chooses to extend this suspension (And/or put bail on it).
  Or, a person's Rights, (say to Liberty) can be suspended temporarily by a Doctor in an Emergency, who can temporarily suspend Rights in order to save a Life.
  In order to actually lose a Right; one must either sign it away, and/or a Judge must decide that it is appropriate that this person lose that particular Right.
  In order to involuntarily lose a Right (often temporarily); it is usually being temporarily suspended or taken away by Police, Judge, Doctor or other Constitutional Officer.  Essentially if there are conditions when one is believed to present an imminent danger to one's self; or to another person; or has just violated another person's Rights, she or he might be subject to Arrest, Investigation, and Prosecution.

Given that Everyone Has Rights....  It's Like One has a Right to Say almost anything they want to say to another person; but the other person has a Right to walk away and not listen.

• So consider this: I have a Right, so does that mean I should always exercise it?

  Additional Conversation on this can be had related to Dignity and Personal Agency, and exercise thereof. 

Legal Rights versus Moral Rights:

  Finally, Legal Rights and being Morally Right are two different things.  The first (Legal Rights) are explicitly covered in the Laws of the Land.  However Morality is NOT the same as Law or Legal Rights, but: “Morality is the set of standards that dictate what is right and wrong in terms of behavior and beliefs.”  

  Think about it: How are these two things the same; and how are they different?  

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FOOTNOTES:

Background and Source Material:

Bill of Rights -  The Really Brief Version: The first ten amendments to the U.S. Constitution are summarized below.  Basically, there are 10 Constitutional rights that Every American has?

1              Freedom of religion, speech, press, assembly, and petition.
2              Right to keep and bear arms in order to maintain a well regulated militia.
3              No quartering of soldiers.
4.              Freedom from unreasonable searches and seizures.
5              Right to due process of law, freedom from self-incrimination, double jeopardy.
6              Rights of accused persons, e.g., right to a speedy and public trial.
7              Right of trial by jury in civil cases.
8              Freedom from excessive bail, cruel and unusual punishments.
9              Other rights of the people. 

10           Powers reserved to the states.

      One should also note that there are other Rights not included in the above list.

The Most Basic Understanding of U.S. Rights (If you are interested?):
  Every American automatically has RIghts that include: Natural rights (or Moral Rights) and legal rights.  There are two types of rights. 

• Natural rights are those that are not dependent on the laws or customs of any particular culture or government, and so are universal and inalienable (they cannot be repealed by human laws, though one can forfeit their enjoyment through one's actions, such as by violating someone else's rights). 
• Legal rights are those bestowed onto a person by a given legal system (they can be modified, repealed, and restrained by human laws)." (According to this Wikipedia Source).

  These most basic (or Natural / Moral) Rights that every American has include our Rights to: "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness", as Thomas Jefferson wrote in the United States Declaration of Independence.^[1] The phrase gives three examples of the "unalienable rights" which the Declaration says have been given to all humans by their creator, and which governments are created to protect." (According to Wikepidia)
  It is also VERY Important that Every American Understand that he (himself) and/or she (herself) has Rights that are inalienable --
"Inalienable" means: "Inalienable right refers to rights that cannot be surrendered, sold or transferred to someone else, especially a natural right such as the right to own property. However, these rights can be transferred with the consent of the person possessing those rights." (According to this Legal Definition).

""Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness" is a well-known phrase in the United States Declaration of Independence. The phrase gives three examples of the "unalienable rights" which the Declaration says have been given to all humans by their creator, and which governments are created to protect." (According to the related Wikipedia Source here.)

Another way to Look at is is that we each have our Right to the following:
Our Right to self-determination.
Our Right To liberty.
Our Right to due process of law.
Our Right to freedom of movement.
Our Right to privacy.
Our Right to freedom of thought.
Our Right to freedom of religion.
Our Right to freedom of expression.

Read about The Bill of Rights by clicking here.

For children it is slightly different; but essentially the same.

Know Your Rights

(Originally Posted, 6/16/2020.)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

The Domestic Violence Treatment Progress Assessment (or the D.V.T.P.A.): Great Practice for Successfully Completing DV Treatment

   There are some Important Questions that a person should be able to answer in a meaningful way when they are ready to Discharge from DV Treatment.

  This exercise is intended to help you figure out what else you need to know about in order to Complete DV Treatment.  Please Note: Studying and Completing the attached Worksheet does not mean that you are ready for Discharge.  More so, this is an Exercise to help You and Your Treatment Provider determine when you could be ready for Discharge.

  There are two Parts.  One part is the DV Treatment Progress Assessment (DVTPA).  This instrument helps You and Your Treatment Provider get an idea of Your Progress in Treatment.

  The second Part of this Process is the Aftercare Plan in which one assesses their current state of being in terms of Healthy Relationships and/or possibility of never again having Domestic Violence in his or her life.  Then one makes a plan for how they are going to remain free of DV in the future; as well as remain free of the negative effects of any potential Risk Factors in their lives.  

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE TREATMENT PROGRESS ASSESSMENT (DVTPA):

Some Treatment Progress Assessment Items are as follows:

POSSIBLE CHALLENGES To Successfully Completing DV Treatment: (Have you found that your Treatment Progress has been negatively impacted by any of these (or other) potential challenges?):

1. "Not Accountable with community supervision and treatment conditions
2. Using alcohol or illicit drugs
3. Not maintaining stable employment
4. Not maintaining stable living arrangements
5. Not Compliant with psychiatric and medical recommendations
6. Hostility
7. Stalking dynamics/obsession with the victim
8. Suicidal/Homicidal"

 

Competency Areas to Master.  (Think about these Competency Areas.  Where do you stand within the Context of your Treatment, and in terms of Your Treatment Progress?):     

  Keep in mind: Someone might believe that Mastering a competency here means he or she does not ever have to visit it again; or does not have anything else to learn about Healthy Relationships or Preventing DV.  But that's not necessarily true.  Because each new Relationship is going to be different -- Regardless of whether or not it's a Romantic Relationship.  A wise person will be revisiting and gaining new insights into ideas like this possibly for the rest of their life.

1.  "Actively participates in treatment.

2.  Confronts (and/or Supports) others appropriately in group.

3.  Commitment to elimination of abusive behavior.

4.  Eliminates manipulative behavior.

5.  Completes personal change plan drafts and Final Version.

6.  Demonstrates and Acknowledges development of empathy for the Victim.

7.  Accepts full responsibility for offense and abusive behavior.

        *Denial Level (If applicable)

8.  Understands pattern of power and control issues.

9.  Does not view themselves as the victim.

10.  Accepts consequences of abusive behavior.

11.  Challenges cognitive distortions.

12.  Define types of violence.

13.  Identifies & manages personal pattern of violence.

14.  Understanding of inter-generational effects of violence.

15.  Uses appropriate, respectful & effective communication skills.

16.  Offender understands and uses “time-out” & Stop, Breathe & Focus Techniques.

17.  Recognizes financial responsibility.

18.  Not engaging in any known forms of violence & abuse.

19.  Understands distorted view of self, others & relationships.

20. Identifies chronic abusive beliefs about victim and thought patterns that support abusive behavior

21.  Uses pro-social community supports.

22.  Understands cycle of violence.

23. Positive parenting skills with children. (living with biological children)

24. Demonstrates appropriate interaction with children and partner in a co-parenting or step-parenting situation (Client a step-parent or visiting parent)

25.  Understands healthy sexual behaviors & consent."

STRENGTHS: (How are you regarding the following Strengths?):

• "Pro-Social Friends
• Social Activity
• Spirituality
• Happiness
• Creativity
• Fun Time/Hobbies
• Health"

(Davies & Associates)

Another part of this is understanding the basic Principles of Equality in Relationship:

• Trust and Support:  Supporting her/his goals in life. Respecting her/his right to her/his own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions. 

• Respect: Listening to her/his non-judgmentally.  Being emotionally affirming and understanding.  Valuing her/his opinions.  This term essentially means valuing each others points of views. It means being open to being wrong. It means accepting people as they are.  It means not dumping on someone because you're having a bad day.  It means being polite and kind always, because being kind to people is not negotiable.  It means not dissing people because they're different to you.  It means not gossiping about people or spreading lies.

• Negotiation and Fairness: Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict.  Accepting changes.  Being willing to compromise.

• Responsible Parenting: Sharing parental responsibilities.  Being a positive, nonviolent role model for the children.

• Non-Threatening Behavior: Talking and acting so that she feels safe and comfortable expressing her/his-self and doing things.

• Shared Responsibility: Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work.  Making family decisions together.

• Economic Partnership: Making money decisions together.  Making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

• Honesty and Accountability: Accepting responsibility for self.  Acknowledging past use of violence. Admitting being wrong. Communicating openly and truthfully.

The Third Part of this process if keeping an Ongoing Personal Change Plan:

• Am I ready to Make Changes in my mind that would allow for me agreeing to this?   I hereby commit to eliminate abusive behavior; which includes the use of physical intimidation or violence, coercion, emotional, verbal or economic abuse, or psychological cruelty toward my spouse, partner and/or children.  If I do behave abusively in the future, I consider it my responsibility to report the behaviors honestly to my friends, relatives, probation officer or other interested party who will hold me accountable.

• Am I ready to Make Changes and Make Room for this?  The way I am going to prevent abusive behavior of any kind is by:

• Am I ready to Make Changes and Make Room for this?  The way I am going to change my thinking so my thoughts and behaviors will be healthy is by:

• Am I ready to Make Changes and Make Room for this?  If I realize I am in danger of becoming abusive I will do the following:

The Fourth Part of this Process is Aftercare Planning:  

AFTERCARE PLANNING is the act of Planning for how one will care for himself or herself after Treatment is completed so as to never again commit DV-Type Behaviors and therefore never again end up with a DV-related Charge. Hence, the overall question is: Have you developed an Aftercare Plan that could help you do the following:

A. Continue to be fully Accountable your previous DV Offense? 

B. Continue to heal from your previous DV Offense?  and

C. Continue to make changes to your life that will help you better prevent DV-Type Behaviors and Offenses in the future? 

   Here, take a look at the following questions and think about how you might answer them: 

(Questions to consider as you move along successfully include)

1.  "What effect has this domestic violence offender treatment program had on your life?

2.  What changes have you noticed about yourself, you relationship, your lifestyle, or your attitude from when you first started treatment until now?

3.  What did you learn about the cycle of violence?

4.  What are the consequences of violence?

5.  How do you communicate with your partner and express your feelings?

6.  Describe the steps you use when taking a “time out”?

7.  What do you take responsibility for in your specific domestic violence incident?

8.  What are you major goals in your personal relationships?  (3 or more)

9.  What have you done to make amends to the victim?

10. What are options you have to acting out violently? (activities, exercise, meditation, etc.)

11. Who are the people that you rely on to help you understand your thoughts and feelings?  Talk about how they are supportive to you."

12. Name three general attitudes or ways of thinking that you plan to hold in order to keep yourself from ever again committing DV-Type Behaviors or being charged with a DV-related Offense.  

(SLVBHG)

*** Please CLICK HERE to

Complete your Adapted DVTPA Worksheet *** 

Please CLICK HERE to Complete

Your Session Feedback Form!!!

*** AND Once have completed the above, 

you can CLICK HER TO move on to 

the Treatment Planning for Success Section. ***

Sources: 

(DVTPA by Davies and Associates)

(AFTER CARE PLAN Questions by SLVBHG)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).