Dr. B's DV Prevention & Education Blog: August 2022

Monday, August 29, 2022

DV In The News: Recent Stories

This post is NOT for the feint at heart. This in educational exercise about some of the Domestic Violence That is happening around the U.S.A. recently. These are based in Headlines from Popular News Sources.

Nonetheless, it is probably good to be aware of what DV looks like in eye of the Mass Media.

“‘Shadow pandemic’ of domestic violence”

“In 2021, the United Nations published the report “Measuring the Shadow Pandemic: Violence Against Women During COVID-19.” It said that since the pandemic, violence against women has increased to unprecedented levels. The American Journal of Emergency Medicine said that domestic violence cases increased by 25 to 33 percent globally. The National Commission on COVID-19 and criminal justice shows an increase in the U.S. by a little over 8 percent, following the imposition of lockdown orders during 2020. I don’t have anything more specific for Massachusetts, but there is no reason to believe that we are any different from the rest. Domestic violence is prevalent everywhere.

According to all statistics I have seen from 2020-2021, domestic violence and intimate partner violence during the pandemic has increased because the risk factors have increased with lockdowns and pandemic restrictions.”

(https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2022/06/shadow-pandemic-of-domestic-violence/#:~:text=According%20to%20all%20statistics%20I,with%20lockdowns%20and%20pandemic%20restrictions.)

Click Here for State-By-State Comparisons of State-by-State Domestic Violence

"WHAT IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

(Definition of DV): Domestic violence is the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another.
It includes physical violence, sexual violence, threats, and emotional abuse. The frequency and severity of domestic violence can vary dramatically."

"DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN COLORADO
• 36.8% of Colorado women and 30.5% of Colorado men experience intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner sexual violence and/or intimate partner stalking in their lives. (1)
• 32 Coloradans were killed by former or current intimate partners in 2018; almost 2/3 of those were killed using firearms. (2)
• 15% of homicides in Colorado were committed by intimate partners. (3)
• A 2019 survey of 88% of Colorado domestic violence programs found that on the day of the survey, participating programs reported serving 1,221 adults and children; on that same day, 269 needs were unmet due to lack of resources. (4)
• Approximately 233,000 Colorado women are stalked during their lifetimes. (5)
• As of December 31, 2019, Colorado had submitted 419 domestic violence misdemeanor and 330 active protective order records to the NICS Index. (6)
"DID YOU KNOW?
• 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men in the United States have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner.(7)
• On a typical day, local domestic violence hotlines receive approximately 19,159 calls, an average of approximately 13 calls every minute. (8)
• In 2018, domestic violence accounted for 20% of all violent crime. (9)
• Abusers’ access to firearms increases the risk of intimate partner femicide at least five-fold. When firearms have been used in the most severe abuse incident, the risk increases 41-fold. (10)
• 65% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 96% of the victims of these crimes are female. (11)"
(For Info on the Sources of this NCADV data as cited above go to, Click Here).

"Video shows Ohio man shoot daughter's ex during break-in" (Trigger Warning, Video is Graphic).

https://nypost.com/2022/08/29/video-shows-ohio-man-shoot-daughters-ex-during-break-in/

"“In a 911 audio recording from the incident, which has been obtained by WHIO-TV 7, a woman who described the intruder as her ex-boyfriend is heard telling her father that Rayl is trying to break down the door.
“Dad, is he trying to kill me?” the woman could be heard saying.
After Duckro shoots at Rayl, his daughter is heard telling him, “Dad, there’s nothing you could have done. You saved my life,” according to the station.”"

(Noted Update: One report today, 8/30/22 reported today that this father will not be charged for shooting his daughter's ex-boyfriend.)

"Florida deputies shoot, kill man accused of pointing gun at them after threatening girlfriend"

https://www.foxnews.com/us/florida-deputies-shoot-kill-man-accused-pointing-gun-threatening-girlfriend

“An active-duty U.S. Marine accused in the stabbing death of his wife is in custody and facing a second-degree murder charge.
The Honolulu Police Department said Saturday that Bryant Tejeda-Castillo was being held on $1 million bail.
Police say he was captured shortly after the Wednesday killing of 27-year-old Dana Alotaibi along a freeway. Police say he was taken to the Queen's Medical Center in Honolulu with what one witness said were several self-inflicted wounds.
Alotaibi's friends said she was pregnant, but police said they are awaiting autopsy results.
A police spokesman on Saturday said he didn't know if Tejeda-Castillo remained at the hospital or had been transferred elsewhere. Tejeda-Castillo was arrested on a warrant of second-degree murder.
Alotaibi's mother, Natalia Cespedes, told Hawaii News Now that her daughter faced abuse from her husband and was able to get the military's version of a restraining order against Tejeda-Castillo, who was stationed on the island of Oahu.
Cespedes said she believes her daughter would still be alive if military officials had acted on her daughter's requests for help.
"Probably because she's a woman they don't care, or she looked like crazy, they don't care," Cespedes said.
In a statement, the U.S. Marine Corps said it was aware of the situation.
"We can confirm that the Marine suspect's command was engaged with both him and the victim, and were responsive to those allegations and concerns that the command was made aware of," it said. "Due to the ongoing nature of the criminal investigation, it would be inappropriate to comment further on this topic."
Witnesses who stopped to help after the stabbing described as a horrific scene.
"I ran there and told him to let her go," George Schmidt told Hawaii News Now. "I just seen blood all over her, she was full of blood."
He said he saw the suspect wound himself.”

Courtney Clenney, Only Fans model charged with killing boyfriend, denied bond.

https://nypost.com/2022/08/28/onlyfans-model-courtney-clenney-denied-bond-amid-murder-charges/

“Clenney was arrested while in rehab and therapy in Hawaii four months after the bloody confrontation inside the couple’s luxury residence.
The pair clashed frequently, with their fighting so intense at times that building managers considered pursuing an eviction.
Clenney claims she threw a knife at Obumseli from a distance after he shoved her to the ground.
But Miami prosecutors said the forensic evidence in the case contradicted that claim and that she stabbed him at close range.
In announcing her arrest, prosecutors released surveillance footage from the building elevator that appeared to show Clenney repeatedly hitting Obumseli.”

"Mom called ex to show how she'd slit his kids' throats"

https://nypost.com/2022/08/10/mom-called-ex-to-show-how-shed-slit-his-kids-throats/

“Louisiana mom FaceTimed her ex to show how she’d slit his kids’ throats: cops
A disturbed Louisiana mom repeatedly video called her ex after slitting their two young kids’ throats — showing him his daughter “gasping for air” before she died, according to harrowing court documents of the “unspeakable” crime.
Jenee Pedesclaux, 31, first called her ex, Jermaine Roberts, to tell him she’d damaged his vehicle amid their bitter child-custody battle — and that she planned to kill herself and their kids rather than go to jail, according to court documents obtained by NOLA.com.
She then FaceTimed him three times to show how she’d stabbed their 2-year-old son, Jay’Ceon, and daughter, Paris, 4, the report said.
In the last video call, she showed him how she had slit both kids’ throats — with their daughter “gasping for air” on the bed before later being pronounced dead in a local New Orleans hospital, the outlet said.”

Gabby Petito's family to file wrongful death lawsuit

https://nypost.com/2022/08/08/gabby-petitos-family-to-file-wrongful-death-lawsuit/

“Gabby Petito’s family announced a $50 million wrongful death lawsuit against Utah police on Monday, alleging that cops failed to recognize their daughter was in a life-threatening situation last year when officers investigated a fight between her and her boyfriend.
The notice of claim alleges that officers in the tourist town of Moab missed signs that the 22-year-old was a victim of domestic violence at the hands of her boyfriend, Brian Laundrie, when they encountered the couple on Aug. 12, 2021.
Highly scrutinized body cam footage from that day showed a visibly upset Petito speaking to officers on the side of the road after a 911 caller reported seeing a domestic violence incident between the pair.”

California dermatologist arrested after husband shared 'compelling' video of her poisoning him, police say

https://www.foxnews.com/us/california-dermatologist-arrested-husband-shared-compelling-video-poisoning-him-police-say

“A California dermatologist has been arrested after her husband shared "compelling" video evidence that she was poisoning him, police tell Fox News Digital.
Yue Yu, 45, of Irvine, was taken into custody Thursday at the home she has shared with her spouse of 10 years, the Irvine Police Department said in a statement.
"He became ill and his condition worsened over the past month and as a result of him examining his routine he grew suspicious of his wife and placed a video camera in the home they shared and discovered evidence he believes supports the fact that she was poisoning him," Irvine police Lt. Bill Bingham told Fox News Digital on Monday.
Bingham would not disclose how the husband allegedly was being poisoned, but regarding the footage he brought to police, said "we found it to be compelling.
Irvine police say the victim "sustained significant internal injuries but is expected to recover."

Long Island man Mark Small allegedly killed girlfriend Marivel Estevez in luxury apartment

https://nypost.com/2022/08/04/long-island-man-mark-small-allegedly-killed-girlfriend-marivel-estevez-in-luxury-apartment/

"A Long Island man allegedly shot and killed his girlfriend at her luxury apartment building, cops said.
Mark Small, 55, fatally shot 39-year-old Marivel Estevez in the bedroom of her apartment in Mineola just after 11:15 a.m. July 30, according to the Nassau County Police Department.
Surveillance footage shows Small entered her apartment the night of July 28, Nassau County Police Detective Capt. Stephen Fitzpatrick told reporters on Wednesday, WABC reported.
Once inside, Small opened fire and killed Estevez. He then took off in her car along with her dog and got into an accident on the Long Island Expressway, police said.
“While he was awaiting police arrival, Mark looked to exit the vehicle. As he exited the vehicle, the dog jumped out,” Fitzpatrick said.
“Mark went to get the dog so it didn’t get hit by a car. It didn’t get hit by a car. Mark got hit by a car.”
“Marivel Esteva was allegedly shot dead by her boyfriend, who then took her car and dog.
It’s not clear what happened to the dog.
Small was rushed to an area hospital with bone fractures, where he was arrested by police. He was released from the hospital on Wednesday and arraigned on charges of second-degree murder and criminal possession of a weapon.
Investigators said Estevez’s friends and family described the pair’s two-year relationship as “tumultuous.” Fitzpatrick said she had recently confided to those close to her that she was considering leaving Small and moving back to Florida.”

Orlando family who died in murder-suicide identified

https://nypost.com/2022/08/03/orlando-family-who-died-in-murder-suicide-identified/

Texas man dies after girlfriend stabbed him to death at apartment: police

https://www.foxnews.com/us/texas-man-dies-girlfriend-stabbed-him-death-apartment-police

“A Texas man is dead after his girlfriend allegedly stabbed him on Thursday night at an apartment complex in Houston.
The incident happened around 11 p.m. at an apartment in the 1300 block of Redford Street, according to FOX 26.
Police say that the couple were at a friend's apartment to help with moving when the stabbing happened.
The woman stabbed her boyfriend once in the chest, according to police.
A witness said that the couple was in an argument when the incident happened. When the witness walked into the room where the argument was happening, the woman could be seen holding the wound, according to police.”

U.S. Marine facing second-degree murder charge in wife's stabbing death - CBS News

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/bryand-tejeda-castillo-us-marine-accused-dana-alotaibi-wife-stabbing-death-hawaii/

"“An active-duty U.S. Marine accused in the stabbing death of his wife is in custody and facing a second-degree murder charge.
The Honolulu Police Department said Saturday that Bryant Tejeda-Castillo was being held on $1 million bail.
Police say he was captured shortly after the Wednesday killing of 27-year-old Dana Alotaibi along a freeway. Police say he was taken to the Queen's Medical Center in Honolulu with what one witness said were several self-inflicted wounds.
Alotaibi's friends said she was pregnant, but police said they are awaiting autopsy results.
A police spokesman on Saturday said he didn't know if Tejeda-Castillo remained at the hospital or had been transferred elsewhere. Tejeda-Castillo was arrested on a warrant of second-degree murder.
Alotaibi's mother, Natalia Cespedes, told Hawaii News Now that her daughter faced abuse from her husband and was able to get the military's version of a restraining order against Tejeda-Castillo, who was stationed on the island of Oahu.
Cespedes said she believes her daughter would still be alive if military officials had acted on her daughter's requests for help.
"Probably because she's a woman they don't care, or she looked like crazy, they don't care," Cespedes said.
In a statement, the U.S. Marine Corps said it was aware of the situation.
"We can confirm that the Marine suspect's command was engaged with both him and the victim, and were responsive to those allegations and concerns that the command was made aware of," it said. "Due to the ongoing nature of the criminal investigation, it would be inappropriate to comment further on this topic."
Witnesses who stopped to help after the stabbing described as a horrific scene.
"I ran there and told him to let her go," George Schmidt told Hawaii News Now. "I just seen blood all over her, she was full of blood."
He said he saw the suspect wound himself.”"

Houston good Samaritans shot after helping domestic violence victim: report

https://www.foxnews.com/us/houston-good-samaritans-shot

“The good Samaritans reportedly intervened in a domestic violence incident when the suspect left and later returned to open fire, Houston authorities said”
“Two good Samaritans were shot Monday while trying to assist a domestic violence victim in Houston, according to reports.
The shooting occurred around 12:40 a.m., Fox Houston reported. The suspected shooter was beating on a woman who was with her child at the time, the report said.
When a group of people intervened, the suspect left the scene. He later returned and opened fire on the Samaritans, police told the news outlet.
Someone else at the scene returned fire, but it was not clear if the shooter was struck or who fired.
When Houston police officers arrived at the scene, they found gunshot victims. A woman was shot in the leg and a man was wounded in the leg and back. Both were taken to nearby hospitals.
The man was reportedly in critical condition.
Authorities are searching for the suspect.”

Georgia Supreme Court overturns prominent Atlanta attorney's murder conviction in wife's killing - CNN

https://www.cnn.com/2022/06/30/us/claud-tex-mciver-wife-murder-conviction-overturned-georgia-supreme-court/index.html

Georgia family dispute leaves multiple people stabbed, Savannah police say

https://www.foxnews.com/us/georgia-family-dispute-leaves-multiple-people-stabbed-savannah-police-say

A woman's brutal killing shocks the Arab world - CNN

https://www.cnn.com/2022/06/24/middleeast/egypt-woman-killing-mime-intl/index.html

FBI hunting for alleged 'master of disguise' for questioning over girlfriend's disappearance, presumed death -- FBI seeking man who entered California from Mexico after he was initially 'uncooperative' with authorities

https://www.foxnews.com/us/fbi-hunting-alleged-master-disguise-questioning-over-girlfriends-disappearance-presumed-death

How to murder your husband' writer sentenced for murdering husband - BBC News

https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-61786575

“Murder, she wrote - and for murder, she is going to jail.

An Oregon judge has sentenced Nancy Crampton Brophy, a romance author who apparently foretold of her crime in an essay titled "How to murder your husband", to life in prison for the shooting death of her late spouse.

“Crampton Brophy was seen driving to and from the Institute at the time of the crime in surveillance footage shown in court.

And although police never found the murder weapon, she was shown to have purchased a gun of the same make and model.
Taking the stand in her own defence, the author claimed she had a "memory hole" from the morning of Brophy's death. She could not however deny it was her driving around the Institute.
A jury of 12 found her guilty of second-degree murder after deliberating for less than two days.
Her life sentence, handed down on Monday, carries the possibility of parole after 25 years. Her lawyers said they plan to appeal.
Ahead of the sentencing, friends and family members of the late chef delivered statements.
"You opted to lie, cheat, steal, defraud and ultimately kill the man that was your biggest fan," said Nathaniel Stillwater, Brophy's son from a previous marriage. "You were - to borrow from your catalogue - the wrong wife."

Uzbekistan groom slaps wife after losing a game: Video shows groom whacking bride in head after losing game at wedding

https://nypost.com/2022/06/13/uzbekistan-groom-slaps-wife-after-losing-a-game/

NYC man Eriberto Grullo punched girlfriend in face over dinner: prosecutors

https://nypost.com/2022/05/29/nyc-man-eriberto-grullo-punched-girlfriend-in-face-over-dinner-prosecutors/

“A drunken Manhattan man was arrested after he allegedly punched his girlfriend in the face for failing to make him dinner, authorities said.
Eriberto Grullon, 46, then trashed the couple’s West Harlem apartment, breaking chairs and dishes, prosecutors said during his Saturday arraignment in Manhattan Criminal Court.
Grullon was charged with two counts of assault, harassment and attempted assault for the Friday beating, which authorities said unfolded just before 10 p.m.
He “became angry at the [the victim] for not having prepared dinner for him. He began breaking and throwing things around their home,” Assistant District Attorney Katelyn Colman said.
The woman’s face was bruised and swollen, and her nose was bleeding after the attack, Colman said.
The accused was released Saturday and is due back in court in July.”

Tennessee woman Latroya Lemons shoots boy one day after released on bond

https://nypost.com/2022/05/18/tennessee-woman-latroya-lemons-shoots-boy-one-day-after-released-on-bond/

"A Tennessee woman is back behind bars after allegedly firing a gun into a crowd and striking a 12-year-old boy a day after she was released on bond on separate charges.
Latroya Lemons, 35, was arrested on Tuesday after she allegedly opened fire from a vehicle at a Memphis home where the child had been playing last Wednesday, hitting him in the leg, Fox 13 reported.
Memphis police had taken Lemons into custody earlier in the week for harassment charges after she allegedly threatened to kill her ex-boyfriend. She was locked up and released on bond on those charges the day before the 12-year-old was shot, records show.
Police said she pulled up on the home to find her ex-boyfriend and opened fire. Witnesses identified Lemons as the shooter who fired five shots from a gray Cadillac, according to Fox 13.
She faces numerous new charges, including six counts of aggravated assault, six counts of reckless endangerment with a deadly weapon and four counts of violating bail conditions. Her bond has been set at $500,000, the outlet reported”

Damaris Maravilla's boyfriend Dylan Diaz charged with her murder

https://nypost.com/2022/05/08/damaris-maravillas-boyfriend-dylan-diaz-charged-with-her-murder/

Remains in Texas ID'd as those of missing girlfriend of ex-NFL player Kevin Ware

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/remains-found-texas-idd-missing-girlfriend-ex-nfl-player-kevin-ware-rcna26798

Tekashi 6ix9ine’s girlfriend arrested for punching him inside Miami nightclub

https://nypost.com/2022/08/29/tekashi69s-girlfriend-arrested-for-punching-him-inside-miami-club/

“The girlfriend of Brooklyn rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine was arrested for allegedly socking him in the face at a Miami nightclub early Monday morning, according to reports.

The rainbow-haired rhymer told police that Rachel Wattley, 25, slugged him and yanked on his chain during an altercation inside Kiki on the River, according to NBC Miami.

Investigating cops noticed marks on the rapper’s face and booked Wattley on a misdemeanor battery rap.

Wattley, known as “Jade” on her social media profiles, has been with the rapper for three years and has 1.7 million followers on Instagram.

She previously hit the headlines in 2018 after brawling with Cardi B inside a Queens nightclub over allegations that she bedded the “Bodak Yellow” emcee’s husband, rapper Offset.”

Husband charged with murder after claim wife died by suicide - ABC News

https://abcnews.go.com/US/husband-charged-murder-claim-wife-died-suicide/story?id=84417438

*** PLEASE CLICK HERE TO COMPLETE

YOUR "DV In The NEWS Worksheet"!!! ***

Monday, August 15, 2022

Balancing Our Empathy for a Partner WITH Our Own Needs -- Particularly During Troubling Times: The Value of Collaboration Through Negotiation and Fairness

Balancing Our Empathy for a Partner as well as Our Awareness of Our Own Needs: Learning how to Negotiate and Being Fair-Minded About Important Issues During Difficult Times

What is Empathy: Having some idea about what another person is experiencing, and what they are thinking and feeling, so as to understand why they are saying or doing -- or even NOT saying or doing -- what they are saying or doing. Without Empathy it probably won't seem fair.

What is Equality: When both people have at least an equal say in the matter. This requires Respect and Patience among other things.

What is Fairness: When both parties feel that a decision, an arrangement, or an outcome is Fair.

What is Collaboration: When both parties work together to try and make something good happen, and/or to resolve a difference, or to solve a problem together.

What is Negotiation: Trying to come to an agreement about something important to both parties. Negotiation often required communication, compromise, patience and respect.

There are lots of words here, like: Empathy, Equality, Fairness, Collaboration, Negotiation, Respect, Patience, Communication and Compromise.

The Duluth Power and Control Wheel Versus the Equality Wheel Pertains to this Topic in a Big Way:

Warning: There are several things that we should not do. And Empathy helps us know what NOT to do. Empathy is here so that we hopefully will know better than to do things that are harmful or disturbing to anyone else.

And empathy helps us maintain a feeling of the pulse of the person or people we are trying to relate to.

So.....

One of the biggest things to NOT do is you want a positive result is Power and Control -- Do not use Power and Control.

Like Power and Control in the Form of Coercion and Threats:

Making and/or carrying out Threats to do something to hurt your partner
Threatening to leave your partner -- just because you are angry.

Or Threatening to report them to welfare
Or even threatening to commit suicide

Or Making them drop the charges
Or Making them do illegal things

Remember... No Manipulation, No Blame, Shame or Guilt. They simply do not work.

Or Even using Power and Control in the form of Using Intimidation:

Like making your partner afraid by using looks, actions or gestures
Smashing things / Breaking Things

Or Displaying Weapons

Destroying her or his Property -- or Destroying our own Property
Abusing Pets

Displaying Weapons.

And these things above are just a few of the things NOT To Do.

Instead, One Should Do Things That Might Work A Whole Lot Better

Such as -- we need to learn to try and communicate as Equals:

Or think of this way: We can do better by Using Healthy Communication that includes Empathy, Equality, Respect, Patience, Negotiation and Fairness:

What is Negotiation? What is Fairness? How do you know if something is Fair? Well, if both sides are happy (or at least satisfied) with the outcome.
Like Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict
This often requires Accepting Change and/or Being Willing to Compromise

Ultimately, the best outcome is quite possibly where both people might give up something in the compromise; yet both people might also feel like winners once the negotiation is over.

(Ye old Win-Win Situation -- Wouldn't that be great?)

Other ideas could be:

> Using Non-Threatening Words and Non-Threatening Behaviors:

Talking and acting so that she or he feels safe and comfortable expressing herself or himself and doing things that she or he feels that she wants to do or needs to do.

> And ALWAYS Using Respect too:

Listening to her or him non-judgmentally
Being emotionally affirming and understanding
Valuing her or his opinions.

Being patient.
And basically being nice -- even when you don't feel like it.

Ask Yourself: Have you ever felt like you won an argument with your partner only to realize later that you did not really win at all?

Perhaps it was because one used Power and Control; rather than Empathy, Equality, Negotiation and Fairness?

This is why it is important to keep you finger on their pulse. It helps you know how your message is getting across and what to do next.

> And Healthy Communication -- What is that?:

Where does Communication Come Into the Picture? Well, it's all over the place... We need to be able to talk about it and listen to others in order to be able to Negotiate and Collaborate...

Healthy communication involves a lot of listening, a lot patience, respect, acceptance, understanding, assertiveness and stick-to-it-iv-ness.

And the secret ingredient to Negotiation.... is Communicating with Empathy in real time...

Because then you know what they really want. And you know whether or not your communication or your message is working. Is it being understood? This is important.

The Value of Collaboration -- Yet another form of communication --

Think about it: If we truly are Partners; Do we really have to be on Opposite Sides?
After all, if we are partners, even if I am thinking that I am finally winning because my partner is disheartened; am I really winning? NO!!!
What might be an example of Collaboration then? Perhaps it's when BOTH people are happy, and both people feel like they won.

Getting things to Balance:

What is True Balance going to be in this Situation? (Are things ever Perfect or truly Equal or truly Equitable)? Probably not.

Or could it be that things right now Are good enough at this point to try and move forward together toward more a perfectly balanced relationship?

If not; then what seems to be Balanced; and what seems to be NOT Balanced in this situation? Is it fixable -- or not? Probably. But it may take patience, respect, communication, acceptance and many other virtues.

So if you remember, Today's lesson was in part about Balancing Our Empathy for a Partner with Our Own Needs -- Particularly During Troubled Times. Questions to think about:

Is somebody going for Power; rather than Cooperation here?

Am I really trying to fix this for the better? Or am I just trying to win?

Either way, Empathy is a great tool? Because then we know what is going on with our partner.

Or, think about this: Am I really doing my best here? Can I do my best without taking at least one minute or more to Empathize with my partner?

For Example, when two people are splitting up it could look like this:

One Situation:

Am I really getting what I am thinking that I really want here?
Am I fully understanding what I am actually feeling in this situation?
Do I really comprehend what I am needing right now -- or am I just trying to win a fight?

So Yes, Humans can be Selfish at times. And we can be downright stupid or foolish at times too. But we should consider whether or not these things really serve me (or my partner) in such situations?
Have I conceptualized and/or decided for myself what I am able and willing to settle for in this situation? Or am I just rushing into, or out of something.

What is it about this situation Can I Control; versus what can I not control?
Is it any wonder that I feel so crazy when we fight?

Ask Yourself This: Why wouldn't I want to be nice or at least respectful when I am dealing with my Partner or with my Ex-Partner? Even if I am angry.

Have I Considered My Partner's / Or My Ex Partner's Situation:

(Okay, we are including the Ex-relationship here as well. Why are we doing that? Can we include our Ex's among those whom we consider to be people? Why is this important? Perhaps we are following that same old destructive pattern again???

Because even if you are Ex's, you are BOTH still people. And you might have kids depending on you as well. (Separate, but still together -- United the wellbeing of your child.)

You both still have thoughts, feelings, needs and desires. Besides, if you really want to accomplish a constructive goal related to your shared property or your shared kids; you will probably get through it much more easily if you communicate, respect, collaborate and try your best to get it done without hard feelings.)

So if you are in a situation with your partner or your ex-, ask yourself:

Do I fully understand what my Partner (or Ex) is actually saying or communicating to me right now?
Do I really get what my Partner (or Ex) is indicating that she/he wants?
Do I have some sort of an idea about what my Partner (or Ex) is thinking?

Do I really comprehend what my Partner (or Ex) is needing?

Do I have a clue about what (or how) my Partner (or my Ex) is feeling right now?

Do I even care about how my Partner (or my Ex) is feeling today -- after all that has happened?

So.. If you can answer yes to the above questions, then perhaps you have Empathy?

------------------------------------------------------

One of the best things about Empathy is that is truly can enable the process of Negotiation and Fairness -- which can be a major key to success in a relationship:

Potential Poison Pills for Negotiation and Fairness:

Unrealistic Expectations.
A lack of Empathy for my Partner (or my Ex).
Inability to Forgive or Let go of a need to beat the other person.

Trying to Control EVERYTHING going on between us.

Pride: A failure to Keep my pride in check.

Or just being too darn Defensive.

On the other hand:

Things that might really help with Negotiation and Fairness include:

Having a good sense of Empathy for my partner.

Having an idea going in of what you really want here.

Having an idea going in of what you really need here.
Having an idea going in of what you are willing to accept.
Having an idea going in of what you are willing to give up.
Having a good sense of your own Strengths. (As well as your partner's or your Ex's Strengths)
Having a good sense of your own Weaknesses. (As well as your partner's or your Ex's Weaknesses)
Showing Compassion for your partner -- or your Ex.

Achieving Resolution in light of Empathy for your Partner or your Ex.:

Is there Room for Compromise in this situation?

Are there points that could possibly be negotiated?
Ask Yourself: Does Negotiation and Fairness really have to be different when two people are splitting up; versus when they are together and trying to remain together?
Finally: Can I muster a sense of winning or at least wellbeing; even in cases where I think I just lost? Or did I blow it again by letting my pride get in the way...? And trying to win; instead of trying to collaborate, negotiate, compromise and achieve peace through Empathy.

Bottom Line: Empathy is an essential part of participating successfully in a relationship.

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and Fairness WORKSHEET! ***

(First posted August 15, 2022); Edited, June 20, 2023.) (C. 2022, William T. Beverly).

Monday, August 1, 2022

Positive Psychology and Prevention of Domestic Violence: Knowing our Social, Emotional, Behavioral and Personality Strengths That Might Help Us Have Healthier Relationships

Like an old Actor or Actress, you picture yourself after a make-believe Domestic Violence Situation; where you were the one who got arrested. And then, all that comes with it starts raining down like a mountain of rocks.... But This is a Real-Life situation. -- I mean... A S I T U A T I O N !!! It is Shocking !!! ... Who knows what really happened; but we know that somehow, what was a beautiful turn of events that had been the wonderful relationship that you once had with your partner; has now evolved (or even devolved) into a Serious MESS !!!

What are you gonna do now? --

Like Right Now -- What would you do???

Picture Your Self Now -- moving forward: You are at a Railroad Crossing ready to go; but which way are you gonna choose this time?

Obviously, you only have two safe choices: Your best choice would either be to turn around and go back from whence you came; or you could try to just stop right here for a moment and start thinking about what happened that got you into this mess in the first place.

Like anyone else, you're getting tired of waiting for trains to go by. But you can't move forward safely right now. So you have to sit there and think... right... just think..

This would be an excellent time to choose the right move -- no doubt. Nobody wants to make the wrong move -- twice?

And only you can say which is right and which is wrong for you right now.

So how do we know which of the two to choose? Perhaps some thinking is in order...?

Think about this: How Did I Get Into This Mess In The First Place?

Regardless of our feelings of innocence or guilt about our DV Offenses; we can admit that there were some things about Our Social Interactions, or Our Emotions, or Our Behaviors, or Our Personalities, or even Our Strengths that somehow contributed to our DV Offense.

Surely, we all know that some combination of all these qualities is there with us every day -- 24/7 -- for better or for worse.

So for a moment, let's imagine that our Strengths as a: “family of positive characteristics … each of which exists in degrees” (Park & Peterson, 2009, p. 3) are laying out before us... just waiting for us to pick them up and put them on and then use them to the best of our ability. Our Strengths.

And so we probably should remember that it's a no-brainer that some combination of Our Social Interactions, Emotions, Behaviors, Personalities and even Our Strengths helped shape our Perceptions, Feelings, Thinking, and Our Behaviors that in some form or another combined with the rest of the elements on that day to make Our DV Offenses possible.

So perhaps we didn't intend for things to turn out that way. But regardless of our intent; we each ended up with a DV-Related Charge and all the unfortunate and even painful baggage that comes with it.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Today's Lesson is about getting to know ourselves better so as to Prevent DV from ever happening again in our lives. And we will be doing this from a Strengths Perspective. “The Strengths Perspective is an approach to social work that puts the strengths and resources of people, communities, and their environments, -- rather than their problems and pathologies, -- at the center of the helping process” (Source.). Now that could be good, right?

So What Gives??? How Does All This Come Together?

Theoretically, we are each informed by Our Previous Behaviors, Our Memories, Our Wants and Our Needs, Our Perceptions, Our Feelings, Our Thinking, the Reactions of Others, as well as our assessments of our most Recent Behaviors. It is also important to admit that unfortunately, some of our Strengths also overpower us at times in the wrong way sometimes... even to a point where we make choices that are not good for us, or for anyone else. So this is about honing our Strengths and learning how to use them for "The GOOD".

Hence, it might be smart to start building on our Strengths so that we can prevent this in the future. But first, we need to figure out exactly what our Strengths are. We also need to really focus today on our Relationship-Building Strengths. And then we can Learn how to Use Them to Make Our Relationships Better.

Below is a list of possible Relationship-Building Strengths that could probably help most people to have much more enjoyable Relationships.

What does it mean to be someone who displays and/or Exemplifies one of the Relationship-Building Strengths as listed below. Well think about it for a minute. It could mean that we are more successful at building healthier relationships in the future. Would that be a good thing for you? Probably...

So what are these theoretically-proposed Relationship-Building Strengths??? --

And which ones speak to you the loudest?

Altruistic (Giving without expecting something in return): Or do I keep score in a Relationship? Am I able to give without expecting something in return? How might this help a relationship?
Brilliance: How might a combination of being creative, smart, witty, and energetic help my relationships? Can I be this way? Can I begin to recognize and develop my own Brilliance?
Caring: Am I consistently caring about my partner and showing compassion for this person and for our Relationship?
Committed and Reliable: How might showing commitment or being reliable help this Relationship? Am I being Reliable? Am I truly Committed to this Relationship? How do I feel when someone who I love is committed to a relationship with me? Do I take that for granted?
A Communicator: Do I communicate clearly and in a meaningful way with my partner? How well do I listen to my partner? Have I accepted that listening is probably the most important part of communication? Do I have Empathy for my partner?
Courageous or Brave: Does my partner know that I will stand up for what I feel is right and that I am Courageous enough to do it the correct way?
A Critical Thinker (Am I able to think clearly with or without my emotions?): Can I think beyond my Biases in order to get to the FACTS -- before I think I know something?
Diligent: Am I conscientious in the ways that I interact with my Partner in this Relationship? Do I do my best? And Does my partner see that? Do I care about the impact of things that I am doing with my Partner?
Easy Going: Can I go about the time in this Relationship without sweating the small stuff? Do I practice relaxation exercises? Am I able to not let my own Anxiety become my partner's problem?
Committed to Equality: Do I view my partner as being a person of equal worth and equal value? Am I committed to manifesting a sense of Equality and/or Equity in our Relationship?
Fair / Fairness: Am I able to make decisions with my partner, while being willing to hold off until we find solutions that suit both of us?
Faithful: Am I Faithful to my partner? Can I withstand temptation?
Flexible: Am I Flexible with my Partner and Flexible within this Relationship as well. Am I able to bend with the Wind like a blade of grass; instead of breaking like a tree in a windstorm?
Forgiving: Can I Forgive on an ongoing basis? Am I willing to NOT have any Regrets that I could otherwise blame on my Partner? Can I just let it go? Can I truly forget the wrongs done to me? (Now that's a hard one!)
Grateful / Thankful: Do I truly feel and show my appreciation, and my gratitude, and my thankfulness for the blessings, challenges, and gifts that each day brings with my partner?
Honorable: Do I carry myself with Honor? And do I consistently hold my Partner in the light of Honor? Do I treat my Partner with reverence, respect, and trust? Or am I always trying to catch my Partner in a lie or something?
Humble / Humility: Do I present myself as a Humble spirit? Especially regarding our Relationship? Or do I delude myself into thinking that I am ALWAYS Right? And / Or do I truly think that I am always in total control of my partner as well as this relationship and the World around it?
Independent: Am I willing and able to function with or without my partner for a day, or a or a week, a month, or even a year........ and still be in Love?
Understands and Values Intimacy: Do I understand and practice Emotional Intimacy on a regular basis with my partner? Do I consistently treat my partner with Trust, Respect, Humility, Altruism, Spontaneity, and Equality etc... ? Can I be a part of such closeness? (Note: Sexual Intimacy is a whole different thing...)
Jovial / Good Sense of Humor: Am I am able to laugh at something funny -- even if it's the 15th time I have heard it? Or myself -- Can I laugh at myself? Can I just laugh? Also, can I admit when I make a mistake? And can I laugh off a costly blunder that I might otherwise blame on my partner? Can I let my partner mess up and not blame her or him for it?
Kind / Kindness: Do I give in terms of both physical and social graces? Am I a kind person? Do I allow my partner to mess up without making her or him feel worse about it? Can I offer my Partner a strong shoulder of Grace to cry on? Can I be humble with my partner 100% of the time -- even when I think I know better?
Expresses Love: Do I understand what Love is? And am I willing to, and capable of Accepting my partner for who she/he is right now, and as the times rolls forward? Can I tell my partner that I love her or him, even when I am furious?
Mature: Can I step up to the plate when necessary, and act like an adult? Am I committed to operating above the Drama? Can I look the other way when it's appropriate? Or do I have to win every time?
Mindful, Paying Attention: Am I willing and able to be in the moment with my Partner on a regular basis? Can we connect on that level? Do I Pay Attention to My Partner?
Nice: Can I carry myself with Grace -- meaning ongoing forgiveness, humility and charity for my Partner. And can I smile with Faith -- even when I feel like crap?
Open to Change, Forward Thinking, Constantly Moving Forward: Am I willing to continue to grow; or have I stopped growing already? Am I able to grow along with my partner; rather than competing against my partner? Can I even admit that I still have some growing to do? Or am I deluded into thinking that I am all GROW-ed Up already?
Patient: Am I able to have Patience with my partner? Am I capable of waiting for the right moment? Am I committed to never judging My Partner or My Self too quickly?
Peaceful: Am I committed and able to settle differences without any sort of violence? Am I committed to learning how to appreciate, value and even treasure our differences?
Prudent / Wise: Do I tend to make the right decisions at the right time when it comes to our relationship? Can I hold my tongue until I have a better response than what I had before?
Respectful: Am I committed to consistently treating my partner the way she or he would like to be treated? Am I always able to show Respect to my partner; no matter how angry I am or how insecure I feel?
Responsible: Can I hold myself Responsible to the point where my partner never has to hold me responsible? - No blame, and No shame or guilt either. But am I willing to own my own blemishes as well as my own beauty marks? Do I admit that I messed up, when I messed up? And do I gracefully look the other way when my partner messes up?
Sincere: Am I typically willing and able to express exactly what I feel and think to my partner? Am I able to hear what my partner is communicating to me on the deeper levels (as well as the meta-messages. (Note: Meta-messages are: "inner messages that could be inferred or implied from a message” (Source.))).
Supportive: Am I there for my partner when ever she or he needs me? Will I stand at my partner's side with love and admirability even at times that I do not agree with what she or he is thinking, saying or doing?
Thoughtful: Do I think about what my partner and I need or want on a regular basis? Am I able to think outside of the box of my past to a newer and broader and deeper level of thoughts regarding our relationship that make it to where the previous relationships cannot compare?
Timely / Punctual: Am I willing and able to wait for the right time to do things or say things that I need to say to my Partner? Can I be right on time for my partner, almost every time -- even if I'm late?
Virtuous / Lives by his or her Values: Do I understand the Principles and Values that I live by to the point where I can act with Virtue on a regular basis; particularly when it comes to this relationship? Does my partner know who I really am?
Willing to Learn: Do I think I already know it all? Or am I willing to keep Learning -- especially when it comes to my partner? Could we both become Lifelong Learners Together?
Young at Heart: Am I willing and able to try and think and feel like a child at times with or without my partner? Or must I always insist on being the adult in the room? Do we play enough?

Surely, there are more strengths available for us to identify, develop and use over time. But for now, how could each of these Relationship Strengths (i.e., these Social strengths, Emotional strengths, Behavioral strengths and Personality strengths (Above)) help us to better navigate our relationships? Think about it?

Our Strengths Can Be Like Our Tools For Life

I am thinking that the more of these tools (above) that I can learn how to use effectively; the more satisfying my Relationships are gonna be. And even if I only learn how to do 1 or 2 of those Strengths above; my Relationships will quite possibly improve to some degree.

Retrospective Strengths-Based Summary:

How did each of the following -- including Our Perceptions, Feelings, Thinking, Experiences and Previous Behaviors help shape Our Social Interactions, Emotions, Recent Behaviors, Personalities, or even Our Strengths to help contribute to Our DV Offenses?

The idea here is about getting to know ourselves a little better. It's about making good changes to the way we do things. Then we can possibly begin to allow Our Social Interactions, Emotions, Personalities, even Our Strengths, Our Feelings, Our Thinking, and Our Behaviors to be informed more so by, and driven by, and even colored by more of our Positive Social, Emotional, Behavioral and Personality Strengths. This could possibly lead to healthier relationships. Right?

But first, we have to accept that all that negative stuff just doesn't work and it leads to the poor choices that helped get us into this mess in the first place. So we have to let go of all that Hurt, Pain, Blame, Shame, Guilt, Resentment and HATE -- Let go of all that negative stuff....

And then we need to start focusing on our Strengths -- Our Positive Strengths. Our Positive Relationship Strengths.

And so remember, the idea here is not as much about what we are lacking; It is more about our strengths. It's more about what we have, but maybe do not use enough of.

And so remember, our strengths are things that we each have, and we each can improve upon them..... together; or separately if we want to.

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Music: "I love to Laugh" (Mary Poppins)

A Note About Positive Psychology:

“Positive psychology has been described in many ways and with many words, but the commonly accepted definition of the field is this:
“Positive psychology is the scientific study of what makes life most worth living” (Peterson, 2008).”
“To push this brief description a bit further, positive psychology is a scientific approach to studying human thoughts, feelings, and behavior, with a focus on strengths instead of weaknesses, building the good in life instead of repairing the bad, and taking the lives of average people up to “great” instead of focusing solely on moving those who are struggling up to “normal” (Peterson, 2008).
What Positive Psychology Focuses on in a Nutshell:
Positive psychology focuses on the positive events and influences in life, including:

1.    Positive experiences (like happiness, joy, inspiration, and love).
2.    Positive states and traits (like gratitude, resilience, and compassion).
3.    Positive institutions (applying positive principles within entire organizations and institutions).

As a field, positive psychology spends much of its time thinking about topics like character strengths, optimism, life satisfaction, happiness, wellbeing, gratitude, compassion (as well as self-compassion), self-esteem and self-confidence, hope, and elevation.
These topics are studied in order to learn how to help people flourish and live their best lives” (Ackerman, Courtney, 2020: https://positivepsychology.com/what-is-positive-psychology-definition/).

Sources:

https://www.oxfordhandbooks.com/view/10.1093/oxfordhb/9780199935291.001.0001/oxfordhb-9780199935291-e-77#:~:text=Researchers%20have%20defined%20character%20strengths,3).

https://socwel.ku.edu/strengths-perspective#:~:text=The%20Strengths%20Perspective%20is%20an,center%20of%20the%20helping%20process.

https://positivepsychology.com/what-is-positive-psychology-definition/

(Originally Published March 29, 2021, c. William T. Beverly.)